Chapter 48 Indonesian Stories(47)

He ran away laughing.Every day, after he elicited a response from me, he always ran away laughing.I usually end up laughing too, after losing sight of him.I am afraid of this annoying child, but I look forward to his coming.He's the only bit of comedy along the way of this difficult journey.Saint Anthony (Saint Anthony) once described that he was attacked by various visions-demons and angels during his meditation in the desert; he said that when he was alone, he sometimes encountered demons that looked like angels, and sometimes found angels that looked like demons.When the sage was asked how to tell the difference, he said that you can tell which is which only after the thing has left you.He said, if your heart trembles, the visitor is a demon.If you feel relieved, you are an angel.

I think I know who this little rascal is, he always makes me laugh. On the ninth day of silence, I meditated on the beach at sunset in the evening and did not get up until after midnight.I remember thinking, "This is it, Lily." I said to my heart, "This is your chance. Show me all the reasons why you're sad, show me everything, don't hold back." "All the sad thoughts and memories then raised their heads one by one, stood up and reported their names.I watch every thought, every grief, I acknowledge their existence, I feel (without trying to defend myself against it) their pangs.Then I said to the grief, "It's ok. I love you. I accept you. Come into my heart now, it's all over." I really felt the grief (as if it were a living thing) entering my heart (as if The heart is the real room).Then I said, "Who's next?" And the next worry came out.I look at it, experience it, bless it, and invite it into my heart too.I do this with every sad thought I've ever had—going back through the years of memory—until there's nothing left.

Then I said to my heart, "Now show me your anger." Every episode of anger in my life came up and introduced itself.Every misunderstanding, every betrayal, every loss, every anger.I saw them one by one, acknowledging their existence.I felt every anger like it was happening for the first time, and I said, "Come into my heart now. You can rest here. It's safe now. It's over. I love you." This went on for hours, I tossed back and forth between these opposing feelings - one moment fully experiencing the shattering rage, the next moment just as the rage entered my heart, lay down, curled up comfortably next to my brother, and stopped fighting , to experience complete calm.

Then, comes the hardest part. "Show me what you're ashamed of." I asked my heart.God, then I saw these scary things.My base failures, my lies, my selfishness, my jealousy, my arrogance were on display.However, I did not escape. "Show me the worst part of you." As I drew these shameful parts into my heart, each of them hesitated at the door, saying, "No--you don't let me in...don't you understand What have I done?" I said, "I really want you. Even you, really, even you are welcome here. It's all right. You're forgiven. You're part of me. Now you can rest, it's already over."

After it's all over, I'm empty.There is no longer any struggle in my heart.I search my heart, examine my virtues, I see the capacity of the heart.I see that my heart is not even saturated, even after taking in the grief, anger, and shame of those unfortunates; my heart can easily take more, tolerate more.Its love knows no bounds. That's when I realized that this is God's way of loving us and accepting us, that there is no such thing as hell in the universe, except perhaps in our own frightened hearts.Because even a feeble, finite human being can experience this episode of absolute forgiveness and self-acceptance, imagine -- just imagine -- the forgiveness and tolerance that a God of infinite mercy can offer.

I also know that this temporary peace is only temporary.I know I'm still not fully resolved, that my anger, my grief, and my shame will eventually creep back, escape my heart, and occupy my head again.I knew I had to keep fighting these thoughts over and over until I slowly resolved to change my entire life.I also understand that this is hard, tiring business.But in the dark and silent sea, my heart said to my brain: "I love you, I will never leave you, I will always take care of you." This promise floated up from my heart, I opened my mouth to stop it, and put it in my mouth Here, taste it, leave the sea, and walk back to the hut where I am temporarily staying.I got a blank notebook and turned to the first page -- and that's when I opened my mouth and let the words hang free in the air.I let these words break the silence, and then I penciled down the huge statement on the page: