Chapter 31 Indonesian Stories (30)

That being said, I woke up at two o'clock in the morning with a heavy sigh, physically hungry, and not sure how to satisfy it.I told the crazy cat in my house howling loudly for some reason, "I know how you feel." I had to figure out what to do with my cravings, so I got up, went to the kitchen in my pajamas, and shaved a Pounds of potatoes, boiled and sliced, fried in butter, sprinkled with plenty of salt, eaten up - see if your body can accept the satisfaction of a pound of crisps in lieu of sex. With each bite my body simply replied, "No haggling." So I crawled back into bed, sighed boredly, and started…

Ok.Allow me to talk about masturbation.Sometimes it's a handy tool (forgive me), sometimes it's unsatisfying and only makes you feel worse afterwards.After a year and a half of being single, after a year and a half of lying in my own bed calling my name, I'm getting a little tired of the pastime.Yet tonight, in my restless state -- what else could I do?Potatoes didn't work.So again I deal with myself in my own way.As always, my mind rummaged through the stored porn files, looking for the right fantasy or memory to help get things done as quickly as possible.But nothing worked tonight - not the firefighters, not the pirates...nor the freaky clinton scene that usually works in one fell swoop, not even the victorian gentleman with a group of young maids around me in the living room , also does not work.In the end, the only satisfying thing is when I reluctantly let the scene of my Brazilian buddy crawling into bed with me enter my mind...

Then I fell asleep.Wake up to a still blue sky, and an even quieter bedroom.Still restless, I spent a good part of the morning chanting the 182 verses of the Guru Gita—the great, purifying basic hymn I had learned in my Indian ashram.Then I sit quietly for an hour until I feel again my own specific, faithful, clear, unconnected, unchanging, nameless, eternally perfect happiness.The pleasure was truly better than anything I've experienced anywhere in the world, including salty, creamy kisses and saltier, oilier potatoes. I'm so glad I decided to be alone. So I was kind of surprised the next night - he made me dinner and we slumped on the couch for hours talking about various topics and he unexpectedly jumped up and buried his face in my armpits and said how much he loved me The stink, and after that - Felipe put his palm to my cheek and said, "That's enough, sweetheart. Now come to my bed." And I went with him.

Yes, I slept with him; the bedroom faced the silent Balinese rice fields at night.He pushed back the transparent white mosquito netting around the bed frame and ushered me in.Then he undressed me with the gentle ability he had been used to for years preparing children for a bath, and made my condition - that he had absolutely no desire to deprive me of anything except to allow him to adore me for as long as I wanted.Are these conditions to my liking? From the couch to the bed, I was speechless and just nodded.There is nothing more to say.I've had a long, bitter time.I have done well for myself.But Felipe was right - enough is enough.

"Okay," he replied, moving some pillows and moving my body under him, "let's get ourselves organized." It was actually quite funny, because that moment ended all my attempts to organize. Later Felipe told me what he saw of me that night.He said I looked young, nothing like the confident woman he'd known in the daytime world.He said I looked young, yet open and excited, relieved to be recognized and tired of moving forward.He said I had obviously not been touched in a long time.He saw that I was full of need, yet was grateful to express that need.Although I don't remember all of this, I took him at his word because he seemed to care a lot about me.

What I remember most about that night are the white mosquito nets that surrounded me like waves, which looked like parachutes to me.I feel like this parachute escorts me out of the side door of the sturdy plane that has carried me for the past few years, away from difficult times in my life.But now this sturdy craft is no longer needed in mid-air, so I step out of this dedicated single-engine plane and let this fluttering white parachute carry me through the strange layer of air between my past and my future, keeping me safe Landed on this small bed-shaped island, inhabited only by this handsome Brazilian shipwrecked sailor.My appearance made him (who was also alone for a long time) so surprised and delighted that he suddenly forgot English and only repeated five words every time he looked at my face: beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful what.