Chapter 30 Indonesian Stories (29)

So it's all there - the time, the place, the problem, the parties.We started discussing ideas that naturally arose during our friendly arm-in-arm walk along the beach.I said, "Felibe, under normal circumstances, I might say yes. Well, whatever is "normal"..." We both laughed.But I then made him understand my hesitation, which was that I might be willing to give my body and mind to an expatriate lover for a while, but there was another part of me that strictly demanded that I dedicate a whole year of travel to myself.Something extremely important is happening in my life, a change that needs time and space to complete its process without any interruptions.Basically, I'm a freshly baked cake that still needs time to cool before I can add icing.I don't want to deprive myself of this precious time.I don't want my life to get out of control again.

Felipe naturally said he understood, that I should do what was best for me; he said he hoped I would forgive him for raising the question. ("Sooner or later you'll have to ask, my dear sweetheart.") He assured me that no matter what I decided, we'd still have this friendship because the time we spent together seemed so good to each other. "Except," he went on, "I have to make my own statement." "That's fair." I said. "One, if I understand you correctly, you've been trying to find a balance between piety and joy all year. I've seen you do a lot of devotional practice, but I'm not sure where your joy has come from so far. Come."

"Felipe, I ate a lot of pasta in Italy." "Pasta, Lily? Pasta?" "Yes indeed." "Also, I think I know what you're worried about. Someone is about to walk into your life and take everything from you again. I'm not going to do that, sweetheart. I've been alone for a while, and like you, I've been through a lot Loss of love. I don't want us to deprive each other of anything. I just love having you in company, more than anyone's company, I love being with you. Don't worry - I won't be chasing you when you leave here in September You go back to New York. As for all the reasons you told me a few weeks ago that you don't want a lover... well, think about it this way: I don't mind if you shave your legs every day, I already like your body and you already Tell me the whole story of your life, and you don't have to worry about contraception - I've had a vasectomy."

"Felipe," I said, "is the most charming and romantic proposal a man has ever given me." Indeed.But I still say no. He drove me home, stopped in front of my house, and we shared a few sweet kisses, with the salt and sand of the beach during the day.Beautiful, of course beautiful.But I still say no again. "It's all right, honey," he said, "come over to my house for dinner tomorrow night, and I'll make you a steak." Then he drove off and I went to bed alone. I've always been quick with men.I always fell in love quickly, without measuring the risks.Not only do I tend to see the best in everyone, I also assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching their highest potential.Countless times I've fallen in love with a man's highest potential rather than himself, and held on to the relationship for long (and sometimes too long) waiting for the man to climb to his own greatness.In love, I have fallen victim to my own optimistic tendencies many times.

Starting from love and hope, I rushed into marriage at a young age, but rarely talked about the truth of marriage.No one gave me marriage advice.My parents taught me to be independent, self-sufficient, and self-determining.When I was twenty-four, it was assumed that I should be able to make all the choices for myself independently.Of course the world doesn't always work that way.Had I been born in any early Western patriarchal era, I would have been considered the property of my father until he delivered me to my husband as matrimonial property.I will have no say in the major events of my life.If, in ancient times, a man courted me, my father would have sat down with the man and asked a series of questions to determine if it was a match.He will want to know: "How are you going to provide for my daughter? What is your standing in the community? What is your health? Where are you going to let her live? What are your liabilities and assets? What are your character strengths?" "My dad wasn't going to marry me off just because I fell in love with this guy.In modern life, however, when I decide to marry, my modern father doesn't interfere.He doesn't interfere with my decisions any more than he interferes with my haircut.

Trust me, I have no nostalgia for the patriarchal system.Yet I have come to realize that when the patriarchal system (justifiably) crumbles, another form of protection does not take its place.I mean -- it never occurred to me to ask any of the suitors questions that my father might have asked in another era.I've let myself fall in love many times just for love's sake, sometimes giving everything in the process.If I really wanted to be an autonomous woman, I had to be my own guardian in full power.Gloria Steinem once advised women to try to become like the man they want to marry.I have recently realized that I must not only become my husband, but also my father.So I went to bed alone that night.Because I think it is too early for me to accept a gentleman suitor at this moment.