Chapter 8 36-39

36 She got up early the next morning, left a note for Dorothy saying she was out on some business, and took the cable car down the mountain.She was walking on the crowded streets, the streets were full of traffic, cars, rickshaws, sedan chairs, colorfully dressed Europeans and Chinese, bustling to and fro.She came to the office of the iron company.A ship had already left the port, and another was due to set sail in two days, and she made up her mind to board that ship no matter what.When the clerk told her that all the seats were fully booked, she asked to see the supervisor.She said her name, and after a while the supervisor who had met her came out and took her into the office.He was evidently aware of the situation she was in, and when she stated her request he sent for the passenger list.But the list made him frown.

"I beg you to help me," she said eagerly. "I think everyone in the colony will do anything you ask, Mrs. Fern," he replied. He called a clerk, asked a few words, and nodded. "I'm going to replace a couple of people. I know you're going home, and I think we should do our best to accommodate you. I've got a small cabin for you alone, and that should be what you're looking for." She thanked him and left satisfied.Really wish to fly back, this is her only thought at this moment.I can't wait to fly back!She sent a telegram to her father, informing them of her return, which she had telegraphed to them about Walter's death.She went back to the Townsend's apartment and told Dorothy what had just happened.

"We will be very sorry to see you go," said the kind woman, "but I understand your desire to be with your parents." Since returning to Hong Kong, Katie has been afraid to go to her house.She was afraid to walk through that door again, afraid that those familiar scenes would remind her of the past.But now she has no choice.Townsend had found a buyer for her furniture, and an enthusiastic re-tenant for the house.But there were still her and Walter's clothes in the house. When they went to Meitan Mansion, they only took one or two pieces, and there were also many books, photos, and various gadgets.Katie wished to stay away from these things. She didn't want to have anything to do with those days.But if they were to be piled up at auction, there would be the outrage of sentimental colonial society, who might collect them all and ship them to her house.So just after lunch, she planned to go to her residence.Dorothy, who was eager to help, offered to go with her, but after Katie repeatedly refused, she finally agreed to let Dorothy's two child servants go with her and help with packing things.

The house had been left in the care of the housekeeper, who opened the door when Katie arrived.Entering the house, Katie felt as if she were a stranger visiting for the first time.The house was tidy and tidy, and all the items were placed in their original places, waiting for her to come back for easy access.The weather was very warm and sunny, but there was a cold, desolate atmosphere in these silent rooms.The furniture was still in the same place as before, and the vases used to hold the flowers did not seem to have moved.The book that Katie didn't know when it was buckled on the table was still buckled quietly as before.It seemed to Katie that they had only been away for a minute, but that minute seemed like an eternity, and it was impossible to imagine when the house would be full of laughter again.The foxtrot score spread out on the piano seems to be waiting to be played, but you have the feeling that when you press the keys, no sound will come out.Walter's room was as tidy as it had been in his presence.On the chest were two extended photographs of Katie, one of her in her ball gown and one of her wedding.

The boys unloaded the suitcases from the storage room, and Katie stood aside, watching them sort things out.They moved very quickly, and Katie estimated that they would be able to take care of everything in the two days before they left.During this period of time, she must not let herself think wildly, she definitely does not have that kind of leisure time.Suddenly, Katie heard footsteps behind her. Looking back, it was Charles Townsend.Her heart convulsed. "What are you doing here?" she asked. "Can I go to your living room? I have something to talk to you about." "I am very busy."

"I only have five minutes for you." She didn't speak any more, just told the servants to go on with their work, and then led Charles to the next room.She didn't find a place to sit down, so that he could understand that he had something to say before leaving.She knew that her face was pale and her heart was beating violently, but she still looked directly at him with cold, hostile eyes. "What's your business?" "I just heard from Dorothy that you are leaving the day after tomorrow. She told me that you are here to take care of things, and asked me to call and ask if I can help you."

"Thank you very much, I can handle it by myself." "I guess so. I didn't come to ask you that. I wanted to ask if your sudden departure was because of yesterday." "You and Dorothy have been very kind to me, and I don't want you to think I'm taking advantage of your kindness by hanging on." "You still have not answered my question." "Would you care about that?" "I care so much. I don't want me to do something to drive you away." She lowered her gaze.Beside her was a table, on which she saw a copy of the Bulletin.It was months ago, and Walter had been staring at it that terrible night, when... now Walter had... she raised her face.

"I think I'm so cheap. You'll never despise me more than I do." "But I don't despise you. I meant everything I said yesterday. What good does it do you to go away like this? I don't see why we can't be good friends? You always think I've turned my back on you, I don't like that point of view." "Why can't you just leave me alone?" "Damn it, my heart is neither wood nor stone. You're too irrational to keep looking at it that way. You're hitting a dead end. I thought you'd think better of me after yesterday .We are all human after all.”

"I don't feel like a human being, I feel like an animal. A pig, a rabbit, or a dog. Well, I don't blame you, I'm as bad as you. I give in to you because I need you, but that's not The real me. I'm not a loathsome, wanton, beastly woman. I'm not one of those things. My husband just lay in his grave fresh, and your wife has been so good to me, unspeakably good, and The person lying on the bed full of longing for you is definitely not me, she is the beast hidden in my body, an evil and terrifying beast like a devil. I spurn her, hate her, and despise her. From then on, every time When I think about her, I'm going to be so sick I'm going to throw up."

He frowned slightly and smiled uncomfortably. "Well, I'm sort of a pretty magnanimous guy, but you really shock me sometimes." "I'm so sorry about that. You'd better go now. You're a worthless man, and I'd be a fool to talk to you any more seriously." He was silent for a while, and she saw a shadow in his eyes, and she knew he was irritated.When he sent her off the pier gracefully, he would surely let out a long sigh of relief.She could not help laughing at the thought that he would then have to shake her hand politely and wish her a pleasant journey, while she thanked him for his hospitality.However, he changed his expression.

"Dorothy told me you were pregnant," he said. She felt her face change suddenly, but luckily she kept her body posture. "yes." "Is it possible that I will be the father of the child?" "No, no. The child is Walter's." She tried her best to deny it hastily, but after she said it, even she felt that she was trying to cover it up. "Are you sure?" He laughed gloatingly. "Think about it. You and Walter were married for two years, but nothing happened. Counting the days, it's about the same as the day we met. I think the child is more Like mine, not Walter's." "I'd rather kill myself than conceive your child." "Oh, why would you say such a foolish thing. I'd be so happy and proud of the baby. I hope it's a girl, you know. Both Dorothy and I are going to have boys. Whose baby will it be soon?" It turns out, you know, my three babies all look like they were carved out of my mold." His humorous demeanor is back.She understood what he meant: if the child was his, even if she never saw him again in this life, she still couldn't get rid of him completely.His talons would follow her, his shadow--indistinct, but very real--was haunting her every moment. "You are indeed the most vain and stupidest fool in the world. I must have done something wrong to let me meet you," she said. 37 During the long and peaceful journey, she recalled the terrible thing that happened to her more than once.She couldn't understand herself, and what she did was completely beyond her expectations.What was it that deterred her from falling into his filthy arms even though she utterly despised Charlie?Anger burned in her chest, and disgust tore at her heart.She felt that she would never forget this shame in her life.She couldn't stop crying.However, as the ship got farther and farther away from Hong Kong, she found that the resentment in her heart gradually blunted.It seemed to have happened in another world, and she was like a person who has suddenly gone mad, and when she wakes up, she feels sad and ashamed of what she vaguely remembered when she was mad.But since that's not who I really am, there's still a chance to ask people's forgiveness.Katie believed that a magnanimous person should pity her rather than blame her.Yet she sighed as she thought of her self-confidence being sadly shattered.There used to be a straight and wide road before her, but now she knew it was just a winding and bumpy path full of traps.The expanse of the Indian Ocean and the poignant sunset eased her heart.She seems to have come to another country, where she can freely control her soul.If she has to struggle to regain her self-esteem, then well, she must have the courage to face it. The days ahead will be lonely and difficult.When the ship reached Port Said she received a telegram from her mother in reply.The letter was long and carefully transcribed in large cursive script, a calligraphy talent that every mother must pass on to her daughter when she is young.However, the flamboyant words and exquisite diction in the letter make people have doubts about the sincerity of the letter writer.Mrs Justin expressed her deepest condolences on Walter's death and sympathy for her daughter's grief.She was worried that Katie's daily necessities would be lost, but the colonial authorities would not forget to send her a pension.She was overjoyed to learn that Katie was about to return to England to join her parents and asked her to stay at their flat until the baby was born.This is followed by inculcate instructions on what to expect during Katie's pregnancy, and a painstaking description of her sister Doris's delivery.Doris' son was born fat and heavy, and his grandfather declared that he was the most wonderful baby he had ever seen.Doris is now pregnant again, and the family hopes to add another boy so that the title of baronet can be passed on without fail. Katie saw that the gist of the letter was to extend to her the invitation which must be extended sooner or later.Mrs. Justin would never sincerely encumber a widowed daughter.She had given Katie so much, and now that she had disappointed her, the daughter was nothing more than a liability.How strange is the relationship between parent and child!When children are young, they are the treasures in the palm of their parents. Any minor illness will make them worry.At this time, the children also respect and love their parents and rely more on them.After a few years, the children grow up, and people who have no blood relationship with them replace their parents as the people who bring them happiness.Indifference has replaced the blind and instinctive love of the past, and even meeting each other has become a source of irritability and anger.Once, I would miss them day and night if I didn't see them for ten days and a half months, but now I am happy to enjoy leisure even if I don't see them for many years.Her mother need not worry about calculating, Katie will find a place to settle down as soon as possible.However, there must be a delay, because I still don't have a clue about what's going on.It is possible that she will die of dystocia during childbirth, and that would be a quick way to cut through the mess. After the ship docked again, she received two more letters.She was surprised to find that it was her father's handwriting, and she remembered that he had never written to her.His tone was not unusually affectionate, starting only with "Dear Katie."He said he was now ghostwriting for her mother, who had been forcibly taken to hospital for surgery because she was unwell.Katie was not surprised, and continued to walk by sea according to her original plan.On the one hand, it was quick but expensive to travel by land, and on the other hand, if she returned home and her mother had not been sent back, it would be inconvenient for her to take care of Harrington Gardens.The other letter was from Doris and began: Katie Baby.It's not that she has a deep affection for Katie, but that she calls everyone she knows that way. Katie baby: I think Father has written to you.Mom has to have an operation, she seems like she hasn't been well since last year, but you know she's a shy person.She came to try official medicines and folk remedies by herself, but I didn't know what disease she was suffering from, and she never mentioned it. If I asked, she would jump up.She looks very badly, and if I were you, I would start from Marseilles immediately and come back as soon as possible.But please don't tell her what I said, she still pretends she's fine, and doesn't want you to come back but she's not there.She has forced the doctor to swear that she will have to be sent back in a week. Your dearest Doris I deeply regret Walter's death.You must have had a rough time, poor baby.I am eager to meet you.We both have young children and it's been a lot of fun.Let's hold hands together. Katie stood on the deck, lost in thought.She still can't imagine that her mother is really sick. In her impression, she is always active and determined. If someone else has a minor illness or disaster, she will be a hundred impatient.Then a crew member came up to her and handed her a telegram. It is with deep sorrow that your mother passed away this morning.Father. 38 Katie rang the doorbell of Harrington Gardens Apartments, and when she was told her father was living in the study, she went to the study and opened the door softly.He was sitting by the fire, reading the last issue of the evening paper.When Katie came in, he looked up, saw that it was Katie, immediately put down the newspaper, and jumped up in surprise. "Well, Katie, I thought you'd catch the next train." "I think it's better not to bother you to pick me up, so I didn't send you a telegram." He poked his face out for her to kiss just as she remembered him. "I glanced at the newspaper," he said, "I haven't had time to read the papers from the previous two days." It can be seen that he feels that if he still buries his mind on daily trivial matters at this time, he must have an explanation for others. "Of course," she said, "you must be very tired. I can imagine how much mother's death has hit you." He was much older and thinner than the last time she had seen him, a thin, dry, orthodox little man. "The doctor said there was little hope from the start. She had been unwell for more than a year, but she refused to go to the doctor. The doctor told me that she was plagued by pain from time to time, and he said it was almost a miracle she could take it." "Did she never complain?" "She said she wasn't well, but never in pain." He paused for a moment, looking at Katie. "You must be tired after such a long journey." "Not too tired." "Do you want to go up and see her?" "Is she here?" "Yes, they moved her here from the hospital." "Okay, I'll go now." "Do you want me to go with you?" There was something strange in her father's voice that made her glance at him quickly.He turned his face slightly, unwilling to let her see his eyes.Katie had learned to read people's minds, after all, she used to have to read her husband's words and gestures every day to figure out what was going on in his head.She guessed at once that her father was trying to hide something—a relief, a relief from the heart, that surprised him too.For thirty years he had acted the part of a competent and devoted husband, never said a word against his wife, and now he must mourn her with great sorrow.He had always lived up to what was expected of him, and he was shocked by small gestures in himself that suggested he was not in the mood of a widower who had just lost his wife. "No, I'll go alone," Katie said. She went upstairs and into the big, cold room that was the pretentious bedroom where her mother had slept for years.She vividly remembered the oversized mahogany furniture, and the Marcus Stone bas-reliefs on the walls.The layout of the dressing table was exactly the same as Mrs. Justin's usual requirements during her lifetime.But the bouquets of flowers everywhere seemed out of place with the surroundings, and Mrs. Justin must have thought it silly, contrived, and unhealthy to have them in the room.The floral scent didn't mask the pungent, musty smell of freshly laundered linen that Katie remembered as unique to her mother's room. Mrs. Justin was lying quietly on the bed, with her hands folded meekly on her breast, and if she was alive, she would never have allowed herself to assume such an affected posture.Her facial features are sharp and angular, her cheeks have sunken due to long-term illness, and her temples have sunk into a hollow.Still, she looked very comely, even magnificent.Death had wiped the bitterness from her face, leaving only the features of humanity.She looked like a Roman queen.This is the first time Katie has seen a corpse that reminds one of a spirit that once lingered.She felt no sorrow, and Katie had no deep affection for her mother in the constant tension between mother and daughter.Recalling her own growth experience, she understood that everything about herself was caused by her mother.However, a woman who was once all-powerful and ambitious, now laying down silently without fulfilling her long-cherished wish, is somewhat emotional.All my life I have been calculating and intrigue, but what I pursue is those low-level and boring things.Katie felt that her mother's worldly life somehow even surprised her. 39 They had dinner.Mr. Justin told Katie the whole story of his wife's death, and he praised the letters from kind friends (he had stacks of condolence letters stacked on his desk, and he was thinking how to deal with them. When I replied one by one, I couldn't help sighing), and talked about the funeral.Then they went back to his study.This is the only room in the whole apartment with a fireplace.Mechanically he took his pipe from the mantelpiece and stuffed some tobacco into it.But he cast a questioning glance at his daughter at once, and put the pipe down again. "You quit smoking?" she asked. "Your mother didn't like the smell of a pipe after supper, and I stopped smoking after the war." His answer made Katie feel a pang of sadness in her heart.How pathetic it is for a man of sixty to hesitate to smoke a pipe in his study. "I like the smell of pipes," she said with a smile. He breathed a sigh of relief, picked up the pipe again, and lit it.They sat down facing each other by the fire.He felt the need to talk to Katie about her own misadventure. "I thought you had a letter from your mother in Port Said. The news of poor Walter's death came as a shock to both of us. I thought he was a fine fellow." Katie didn't know what to say. "Your mother said you were going to have a baby." "yes." "When should it be?" "About four months." "That will be a great comfort to you. You must go and see Doris' son, who is a very lovely boy." Between the words, Katie felt that there was a huge distance between the father and daughter, which was even farther than two strangers they met for the first time.Because all strangers always have a kind of curiosity about each other, and the common life of father and daughter in the past has now become a wall of indifference between them.Katie knew that she had never done anything to make her father dote on her more. He was always a superfluous person in this house. Living and being scorned by family members.She used to take it for granted that since he was her father, he should love her dearly.The fact that he had no paternal affection for her shocked her.All she knew was that their whole family was sick of him, and she didn't expect that he felt the same way about them in turn.He was as kind and courteous as ever, but the penetrating insight he had learned through suffering had shown her that he hated her in his heart, though he never admitted it to himself. His pipe pipe seemed to be clogged, so he got up to find something to poke.Maybe it was just to hide his nervousness at the moment. "Your mother wanted you to stay here until the baby was born. She wanted to tidy up your old room." "I see. I won't bother you here." "Well, don't say that. At this point, I don't think you'll have anywhere to go but your father. But actually, there's a vacancies right now for Chief Justice of the Bahamas, and they've hired me, and I agree." "Well, father, that's very pleasing. I congratulate you with all my heart." "The news came too late for me to let your mum know. It must have been a great relief to her." What a trick of fate!Mrs. Justin had worked hard and worked hard all her life—albeit with lowered goals after repeated disappointments—and died before finally getting what she wanted. "I've got to take a boat early next month. There's no other way, the house is going to the agent. My idea is to sell the furniture too. I'm sorry I can't keep you here, But if you'd like to take any piece of furniture when you've found a place to live, I'd be more than happy." She stared into the fire, her heart beating wildly.She wondered how she could be so tense all of a sudden.She forced herself to speak, her voice trembling slightly. "May I go with you, father?" "You? Well, my dear Katie." His face darkened.She used to hear him call her that often, and she always regarded it as his mantra, and now it was the first time in her life that she saw this mantra spoken with such a face.This startled her. "But all your friends are here, and so is Doris. I thought you'd be happier if you settled down in London. I don't know exactly your financial situation, but I'd like to pay the rent for you. " "I have enough money to live on." "I'm going to a completely strange place. I don't know anything about the conditions there." "I'm used to going to strange places. London doesn't mean anything to me now, I can't even breathe here." He closed his eyes, and she wondered if he would cry.There was a miserable expression on his face, which made her feel anxious.She was right. After his wife died, he was relieved. Now the opportunity to break with the past was in front of him, and freedom came.He saw before him a new life in which idleness and happiness would no longer be elusive.She seemed to see all the miseries of thirty years coming together to torment him.Finally, he opened his eyes and sighed involuntarily. "Of course, if you wish to go, I shall be more than happy to do so." Poor man.He surrendered to his duty with only a little struggle.In just a few words, all hopes were wiped out.She stood up from the chair, walked up to him, knelt on the ground, and took his hands. "No, Father, I'll go unless you want me to. You've sacrificed enough. If you want to go alone, that's all right. Don't think about me." He took out a hand and stroked gently on her beautiful hair. "Of course I need you, my darling. I am your father after all, and you are a widow and helpless. It would be unkind for me not to need you if you need to be with me." "But that's the problem. I didn't force you because I'm your daughter. You don't owe me anything." "Well, my dear boy." "I owe you nothing," she repeated excitedly. "I feel so guilty when I think we've been living on you all our lives and haven't given you anything in return. We don't even have any affection for you. Your whole life Unhappy, can you let me make some amends for the past?" His brows furrowed slightly, apparently a little embarrassed by her sudden emotion. "I don't understand what you mean. I never complained about you." "Well, father, I've been through so much, so much misfortune. I'm not the same Katie I was before I left here. I'm still very fragile, but I'm not the mean, heartless person I was. Can you give me A chance? I have no one in this world now but you. Let me try to make you love me. Well, father, I am so lonely and miserable, and I long for your love." She threw her face in his lap and wept bitterly. "Well, my Katie, my little Katie," he mumbled. She raised her face and put her arms around his neck. "Well, father, be nice to me. Let's all be nice to each other." He kissed her lips like a lover, with tears streaming down his face. "Of course you should come with me." "Do you need me? Do you really need me?" "yes." "I'm so grateful." "Well, my dear, don't talk to me like that again. It embarrasses me very much." He took out his handkerchief and wiped away her tears with a smile she had never seen before.She hung her arms around his neck again. "We're going to live happily ever after, dear father. You don't think how happy we'll be." "You haven't forgotten that you're going to have a baby." "I'm very happy that she will be born in a place with blue sea and blue sky." "You're already sure it's going to be a girl?" he whispered, a flat, flat smile on his face. "I want to be a girl, and I want to raise her so that she doesn't make the mistakes I once made. When I look back on what a girl I was, I hate myself so much, but there's nothing I can do. I'm going to take my daughter Raise her and let her become a free and self-reliant person. I brought her into this world, loved her, and raised her, not to let her sleep with any man in the future, and depend on him for the rest of her life.” She felt his father's body freeze.These words were obviously not something for a man like him to talk about, and he was horrified when they came out of his daughter's mouth. "Let me be honest, just this once, Father. I was a stupid, wicked, hateful man. I have been severely punished. I will never let my daughter do the same thing. I want her to be a fearless, A frank person, a self-controlled person who doesn't depend on others. I want her to live like a free person and find a good job to support herself, not like me." "What's the matter, my love, your words sound like those of a fifty-year-old. Life is still in your hands, and you can't lose heart." She shook her head and smiled slowly. "I am not discouraged. I still have hope and courage." The past is over.Let the dead die.Is such a thought ruthless?She wishes she had learned compassion and compassion.She doesn't know what awaits her in the future, but she's prepared in her heart to accept whatever happens with a relaxed and optimistic attitude.At this moment, she suddenly remembered something, which seemed to emerge from the depths of her consciousness for no reason.It was on their way—she and poor Walter—to the plague city that killed him, and they set off one morning in a sedan chair while it was still dark.After the sky was getting brighter, she saw—or in hallucinations, a breathtakingly beautiful scene, which instantly soothed her suffering heart, and she seemed to feel that all the sufferings in the world were nothing up.The sun rose, dispelled the fog, and a rough path appeared in front of us.It crosses rice fields, crosses small rivers, and undulates across vast lands, extending as far as the eye can't see.Now she understands that if she walks along the path that becomes clearer and clearer in front of her--not the road of no return that the witty old Waddington said, but the nuns in the monastery who have no complaints and no regrets The road on which the earth walked—perhaps all the wrong and stupid things she had done, all the suffering she had been through, were not all pointless—that would be a road to peace.