Chapter 5 moon queen

moon queen ——Story of Yingying St. Clair one Over the years, I have been firmly controlling my mouth, so that I never let a little bit of my personal thoughts and opinions leak out of it.Because of years of reticence, now even my daughter rarely hears me speak.She used to hang out by her favorite pool, listening to her Sony Walkman, her wireless phone, and her big husband asking why they only had charcoal and no kindling. Over the years, I have been covering my true self tightly, trying my best to shrink myself into a small black shadow, so no one can catch me.I lived my days in such silence that my daughter turned a blind eye to me.

What she saw was her shopping list, overdue checks, and no ashtray on the table. I really want to say to her: we lost each other, she and me.We don't see each other, we don't hear each other, we don't understand each other. My self-lost seems to have been a long time ago.Over the years, I have been washing my face with tears, and my pain has gradually washed away, just like rain washes away a stone.Then, everything faded, faded away. However, I still remember that there was such a moonlit night, I was so excited, I wholeheartedly hoped to tell the moon lady the secret in my heart, my longing... I can't remember what I told it back then, but over the years, I can't forget that moon night.

two Everything that happened that day from morning to night is still fresh in my memory and vivid in my mind, as clear and profound as the various stupid things my daughter has done since childhood. In 1918, I was exactly four years old, in Wuxi.The Mid-Autumn Festival should be sunny and refreshing, but that year's Mid-Autumn Festival was extremely hot, which corresponds to the saying "fire burns in August and a half".When I woke up in the morning, I felt that the straw mats on the bed were all sticky and wet.The room was hot and exuded bursts of chafing heat. As early as early summer, the servants had already hung bamboo curtains in front of the window lattices in the room, and spread straw mats on the bed.Autumn is here now, but there is still no coolness in the morning and evening, the curtain blocks the heat that has been lingering overnight, and the air is turbid, mixed with the pungent smell of urine in the potty.Sweat drenched my pillow mat, and my head and neck were dripping with sweat. When I woke up, I felt my head was swollen and I was very irritable.

There was a scorched sweet smell outside the house; it seemed to be burning something. "What's the smell?" I asked my grandmother, the maid who took care of me. Every morning when I opened my eyes, she always appeared beside my bed.She slept on a cot in the next room. "Didn't I tell you yesterday." She said, hugging me on her lap, and began to dress me. "Are we smoking 'Five Poisons'?" I murmured sleepily, climbed down from her lap, and climbed up to the window to look into the courtyard; I saw a plate of green things that looked like a The entangled snake, the rising yellow smoke is like its raised tail.A few days ago, I saw my grandma take it out of a colored box with five kinds of poisonous insects painted on it: snakes, scorpions, centipedes, spiders and Heng Ma, "Any one of these five poisonous insects is enough It can kill a child." Grandma once said to me like this.So whenever I think that we have caught the "five poisons" and are burning them, I breathe a sigh of relief.I don't know, but it's actually just a green incense stick to repel mosquitoes and flies.

On this day, my mother took out a set of stiff silk clothes with yellow background and black stripes for me. "You don't have time to play today," my grandma told me as she put on my clothes. "Your mother has made you a new tiger-striped suit for the holidays. Now you are a big boy." Girl, you can go to that ceremony now." "What is a ceremony?" I let my mother play with it. "Anyway, you have to be quiet and obedient, so that you won't be punished by the gods." Grandma said as she buttoned my button. "How to punish?" I asked again.

"You ask too much." Grandma shouted at me, "You don't have to ask, anyway, when the time comes, follow your mother, light incense, pray to the moon goddess, and kowtow. Do you hear me, Yingying? Don't lose me face!" I pouted and nodded.At this time, I found that there were golden peonies embroidered on the black border of the cuffs, which was embroidered by my mother. At this time, a voice came from the yard: "...this strange weather, my bones are going to rot..." They complained about the unseasonable heat.A lot of relatives came to the house, and they came here from the north for the festival, and they had to stay here for at least a week.

Grandma combed my hair and let me turn around in a circle. After looking at it, she finally said with satisfaction: "It's so beautiful." I pouted with a displeased expression on my face, and felt that the clothes with yellow background and black stripes looked like prison clothes in a prison. "Who are there today?" I asked again. "The whole family." She said with great interest, "We will go to visit Taihu Lake. We have already rented a boat and brought a cook with us. We will have a boat banquet and worship the moon goddess." "Miss Moon, Mistress Moon!" I jumped up and down happily, staring at Grandma and asked, "Who is Mistress Moon?"

"Daughter-in-law! She lives in the moon, today is the only day you can see her in a year, you can make a wish to her." "What is a wish?" "It's what you think in your heart, but you can't say it, and others can't ask." "Why can't you ask?" "Because... once you ask, it won't work. You shouldn't ask this. A girl should always listen more and ask less." "Then how does the Moon Lady know my wish?" "Hey Qing, I'm so annoying. Because she's a fairy." "Okay," I finally understood, "then I'm going to tell her, I don't want to wear this dress."

"Ah, didn't I tell you that you can't make a wish." Grandma said. At breakfast, no one seemed to mention the lake tour.After breakfast, everyone just chatted.I'm getting impatient. "The autumn moon is just like a person, and the crane shadow in the lotus pond..." My father began to recite poems and explained to everyone. "The meaning of this sentence is that the big waves wash away the sand, and all the heroes of the past have been washed away. Generation after generation, the boat has passed through the water without a trace!" "Oh, thanks to you, a historian, who can still remember them and explain them." Everyone echoed him.

Mom was also chatting with the old ladies, introducing a homemade plaster to them: "Here, just stick it on this acupuncture point and feel your skin is burning, that's all." "Oh, can this plaster reduce swelling? My legs are sore and sore, I can't even touch them," said an old lady. "It's so hot," interjected another old aunt, "it's almost burnt out." I just felt so bored, my grandma finally noticed my impatience, handed me a rabbit-shaped moon cake, and sent me to the yard with my half-brother and third child. Holding the moon cake in my hand, I quickly put aside the lake tour.The three of us passed through the moon gate in the inner courtyard, screaming and rushing towards a stone bench.I'm the biggest so I get to occupy the best part of that shade.The side of the stone bench sheltered from the shade was cool, so they had no choice but to sit under the sun.I gave each of them a rabbit ear with no stuffing inside, just flour, but they were too young to know how to suffer.

"My sister likes me." The second child said to the third child. "No, my sister likes me." The third child said to the second child. "Stop making noise!" I said, eating the rabbit's body with relish, which contained egg yolk and bean paste. After eating, we patted all the crumbs on our bodies, and suddenly seemed to have nothing to do.Suddenly, a red dragonfly was hovering low, and I immediately jumped up to chase it, and my two younger sisters followed me to hunt it down. "Yingying!" I heard my grandmother yell at me from behind.The second child and the third child fled away in a hurry.At this time, my mother and other wives were coming out through the moon cave door.Grandma bent down and brushed the clothes for me, angrily reprimanded: "Look at your new clothes, you just put them on, and you made a mess..." My mother smoothed my hair for me with a smile, and said: "Girls can't catch dragonflies like boys and chase them away. Little girls should be quiet. If you stand still, the dragonflies won't come." I'm pestering you." After finishing speaking, she followed the group of old ladies and left. I stood where I was, looking down at the shadow I cast, which had ridiculously short legs, long arms, and a braid on its head.I shook my head, it shook its head, I turned around, it turned around.I lifted the bamboo mat hanging on the brick wall to see if it could cut off my shadow, but it got under the bamboo mat.I was amazed by the intelligence of my own shadow.I ran to the shade of the tree, and the shadow disappeared.I love my own shadow, it is like another side of me, with the same restless temper as me. "Yingying, are you still planning to swim in Taihu Lake? Everyone has left." Grandma called me again. Our whole family, young and old, were all dressed and waiting at the gate, chatting chirpingly.Dad was wearing a brown woven silk gown, and my mother's dress was the opposite color of ours, with a black background and yellow trim.The two half-sisters were wearing rose-colored shirts, and their mothers were my father's concubines.The elder brother is wearing a gown with a pattern of birthday flowers.Even the old ladies are all dressed up beautifully to welcome this unusual festival. The servants loaded the rickshaw with food, a large basket of rice dumplings, a small stove for making tea, cups, plates and bowls, and in addition, there were large bags of apples, pomegranates and raw pears.Inside the wet pot were pickled vegetables and bacon, and a large stack of red boxes, each containing four mooncakes, and even a napping mat. We each jumped into the rickshaw, the young child and his grandmother, but I suddenly broke free from the nurse's car and jumped into my mother's car.This annoyed my mother very much.This not only showed my dominance, but also hurt her decency.She has always doted on me.Since her husband died, she left her son aside to work as a maid in our house.To me she was like a fan in summer and a stove in winter, and I was only inconvenienced and displeased by not being able to find them when I needed them. When we came to the Taihu Lake, there was no cool breeze here, and our coachmen were already sweating profusely, panting for heat.Everyone boarded the boat one by one.This kind of boat is called Fang, and it is like a teahouse on the water. There is a terrace on the boat, which is bigger than the balcony in my yard. Before my mother could help me, I had already jumped up with the second and third children.I wore all kinds of cool silk clothes of the grown-ups and ran through the crowd like an eel. We were competing to see who could run to the bow first. I like to walk on rocking boats.I pushed open the door of the flower hall, and the first room looked like a living room at home, with my sisters following behind me.We walked through one room at a time, and finally, when we entered the kitchen, a man pointed a kitchen knife at us, and we laughed and ran away. The boat gradually left the pier, and my mother and other female relatives were already sitting on the terrace at the bow of the boat, chatting with fans and chasing away bugs.Dad and uncles leaned against the railing and talked about something seriously.The servants were busy making tea, frying almonds, and setting the table for lunch. Although Taihu Lake can be regarded as one of the largest lakes in China, the surface of the lake seemed to be very crowded that day. Small sampans, paddle boats, sailboats, fishing boats, and boats like ours were everywhere here and there. I get excited.On the patio, the family is sitting around the table to start enjoying the festive fun.They picked up the fresh shrimp with chopsticks, dipped them in the mellow soy sauce, and swallowed them raw. However, I was immediately disappointed.I just feel that the afternoon spent on this boat is not much different from the afternoon at home in the past.In the afternoon, my mother sent me to take a nap. After Grandma fell asleep, I got up gently and walked to the stern.There, a stout boy was playing with a long-necked bird with a metal ring around its neck, and another boy fastened a thick hemp rope to the metal ring.Then the bird flapped its wings and stood on the side of the boat, staring straight at the shimmering water.I moved lightly to follow, it squinted at me vigilantly, and jumped into the water with a plop. Another boy rowed a raft made of reeds, and within a few seconds, the long-necked bird emerged from the water, struggling with a big fish in its mouth.He was perched on the raft and was about to have a good meal, but the thing on the head and neck got him in the throat and the boy on the raft snatched the fish out of his mouth and threw it to the boy in the boat. For an entire hour, I watched them fish.I saw more and more fish in the wooden barrel at the stern, and then a boy called out: "Enough." The boy next to me swished into the water, then climbed on the raft, and took the long-necked bird Gone.I waved to them, envious of their carefree life. Behind the raft they went away, two mother-of-pearl-like yellow-brown ripples were drawn.I stood there blankly, as if I was in a dream.Turning around abruptly, I found a woman with a gloomy face, who was sitting straddling in front of the fish barrel, silently disemboweling the fish, digging out the red viscera, throwing it behind her, and throwing it into the lake, her movements were quick and uninterrupted. The blown fish scales were blown up by the wind, flying in mid-air, quite like pieces of broken glass.Then, she slaughtered two chickens, a soft-shelled turtle, and a large pile of river eels, and then she quietly carried the pile of things into the kitchen and never came out again. I just realized that it was getting late.He lowered his head and looked at himself - no, he was covered in blood, fish scales and chicken feathers.At this time, I heard someone approaching, and in panic, I had a weird idea: I quickly dipped my hand into a bowl of turtle blood, and spread it all over my cuffs, jacket and trousers, and front, I thought that in this way, I could cover up the blood and people would think that my clothes were born red. What I heard was Grandma's footsteps.Seeing me covered in blood, she screamed.When it was found that I was not missing an arm or a leg, or even a finger, she started yelling at me, with more fear than anger in her voice. "You still expect your mother to come and wash your hands for you?" She said angrily, "She will drive us to Kunming." Those words really scared me dumbfounded.In my impression, Kunming is so far away, over there is the world of monkeys. Grandma left me in the stern of the boat and left me crying in just my underwear and tiger shoes. I'm looking forward to my mother's arrival, and I think that even if she sees me in this state, she will at most just scold me gently. But she didn't come.I heard footsteps, but it was only the second and third.They stared at me with wide eyes, then smiled and left. The lake water is coated with a layer of golden yellow, gradually green red, purple red, and finally dark black.It was getting dark, and red lanterns were lit up on the entire lake, and people's laughter came from time to time, either from the flower hall or from neighboring boats.All I could hear was the ping-pong-pong of the kitchen door, which was opened frequently, and the aroma of the dishes wafted in the air. I feel hungry. Although it was night, the surrounding area was still bright.I clearly saw my own shadow: my legs, my hands, my head... I understood why the surroundings were so bright, and I saw a full moon in the water, a big warm and bright moon.I leaned over her, hoping to confide in her.Others must have seen this moon lady too. I only heard the sound of firecrackers, and I didn't even hear a "plop" before I found myself falling into the water. The water is cool and refreshing, very comfortable.So at first, I didn't panic at all.It's a bit like falling into a soft dream, so floating, I hope my mother will pull me up.But immediately I felt suffocated.In desperation, I paddled and kicked in the water, and the rushing water poured into my nose and throat, and I felt suffocated. "Grandma!" I wanted to cry, she shouldn't have left me alone!A black shadow passed by me, it was one of the five poisons --- water snake! It clung to me, squeezed me like a sponge, and flung me into the air—and I fell headfirst into a fishing net.I gulped and cried. Four figures approached me: "It's too small, throw her back. Can this be sold for money?" They laughed.I am no longer afraid, I have stopped crying, I know who these people are.When my grandmother led me through the market, I often saw people like this. At this time, my grandmother would cover my eyes and ears with her hands. "Okay," a woman scolded them, "you frightened her, she will think we are bad people." Then she turned to me kindly: "Where is your home, little sister?" The men leaned over to look at me and laughed, "Oh, it's a little girl, not a fish, not a fish." I was scared again, and there was a fishy smell everywhere. "Ignore them," said the woman. "What ship did you come from?" I'm at a loss.There are patches of sails everywhere on the lake: pedal boats, sailboats, and boats like the ones our family rents. "That ship!" I pointed to a boat decorated with lights and festoons, full of laughter. "It's that one, that one!" I started to cry again, and after my panic passed, I opened my eyes wide and stared at the slowly approaching boat, wishing I could return to my loved ones immediately.The tempting aroma of wine and vegetables wafted from the boat. "Hey, have you lost a little girl? A little girl has fallen into the water!" the woman yelled at the boat. There was a buzzing commotion in the flower hall of the cabin, and I couldn’t wait to look for grandma, father, mother in the crowd... Everyone on the boat flocked to the railing, and what passed before my eyes were all strangers for wine. His face flushed red with smog.At this time, a little girl squeezed out from the crowd: "Here I am!" The people on the boat coaxed a smile, made a false alarm, and went back to the cabin. The ship sailed away.I stood silently, trembling all over.I felt a void, a panic of abandonment.There was a brilliant light on the lake, the sound of firecrackers came and went, people drank and boxed, enjoyed themselves, reveled in the joy of the festival, but no one cared about me. I just felt that the world was suddenly empty, and I was separated from my family forever. The woman looked at me again. At this time, my braids were loose, my underwear was covered with mud, my shoes were lost, and my feet were bare. "What are we going to do with her?" said a man. "No one wants her." "Maybe she's a beggar, look at her," said another man, "like the beggars on the raft." I was filled with fear that perhaps I had really become a beggar.I don't have a home anymore. "Qing, don't you all have eyes?" the woman said, "Look at her skin, how white it is, and the soles of her feet, look, how tender it is." "Then let's put her ashore. If she has a home, they'll find her." The other man sighed: "At night like this, accidents are most likely to happen: some people fell drunk, and some children fell into the water by accident. Fortunately, she didn't sink." The boat docked, and the man carried me off the boat with his fish-smelling hands. The moon hung high behind me, and I saw my own shadow again, this time it was short, crouched, and somewhat rude.Together we ran along the bushes.In the distance, there was the sound of gongs and drums. In the open space over there, a stage was set up, and under the moonlight, people were watching shadow puppets.A young man is saying to the audience: "Now, the Moon Lady is out." Empress Moon!These few words made me forget the predicament in front of me.After a burst of dense gongs and drums, a graceful figure of a woman appeared on the curtain. She plucked the pipa and sang: "The concubine lives in the middle of the moon and the king lives in the sun. The sun and the moon miss each other from a distance. Every day, I miss you and don't see you. Only in the Mid-Autumn Festival can we get together." Her hair was disheveled and she was distraught.She is doomed to live on the moon forever and be separated from her husband, searching hopelessly for her future. "Women are yin," she sang bitterly. "She is doomed to only cool her passion, like a shadow, without brilliance. Men are yang, dazzling and dazzling. Women can only have brilliance through men." Hearing the last few lines sung, I cried, desperate and mournful.Although I still can't understand the whole play, I can already understand her pain. "We've all lost our world and can never bring it back." As soon as the gong sounded, the Moon Lady bowed to the audience and disappeared from behind the curtain.The crowd cheered enthusiastically, when a young man said to the crowd: "Listen, everyone, you can make a wish to the Moon Lady..." His voice was drowned out by the noise below. "...just spend a few copper coins..." The audience began to leave. "It's only once a year!" The young man almost begged, but no one paid any attention to him, only me and my shadow rushed forward, but the young man didn't even roll his eyelids at me.I continued to squeeze forward with bare feet, I want to make a wish to the moon lady, I know what I want.Like a lizard, I got behind the cloth slow. I see her.She stood there far away, with just a flickering oil lamp, her figure looked so beautiful and moving. "I have a wish..." I whispered to her, but she couldn't hear me.I approached her slowly. I could see her clearly: wrinkled cheeks, an oily rosacea nose, big die teeth and bloodshot eyes. "She" looked very tired.I saw her with thick black hair, stepping off the stage slowly by the dim oil lamp, then tore off her hair and took off her long skirt. When I was about to grab her and beg her to listen to my promise, I found out that Empress Moon has become a man. three Many years have passed, and I don't remember, what exactly did I want to pray to the Moon Lady back then?And how did my family find me in the end?These two things remain a mystery to me to this day.My wish was promised, but not fulfilled. ——Although I was finally found, my family searched for me along the waterway——but I still don't believe that the girl I found was me. Later, when I grew up, the tragic stories of the Moon Lady, the boat boat, the long-necked bird that could catch fish... gradually faded in my memory. Now that I am old, I am getting closer and closer to the grave, which seems to give me a sense of belonging again. I seem to have returned to my childhood, the dawn of my life, and I clearly remember the Mid-Autumn Festival that year, and experience it again Seeing that innocence, frankness, anxiety, curiosity, terror and loneliness, just like that, I lost myself. Tonight is the Mid-Autumn Festival again, and I remember that distant Mid-Autumn Festival again, and I even remember my begging for the Moon Lady: I ​​hope I can be found back. Twenty-six evil doors "Don't ride your bicycle along the corner," the mother warned her seven-year-old daughter. "No!" The girl refused, "Why?" "Because of this, I can't see you, and if you fall and cry, I can't hear you." "How did you know I would fall?" the girl objected. "It's in the book of fate. "Twenty-Six Fierce Gates", everything will be predicted in it, and you will encounter disaster." "I don't believe it. Let me see." "It's written in Chinese, and you don't know Chinese. So, you have to listen to me." "So, what are those twenty-six evil doors? Tell me." Mother only cares about the knitting in her hand. "Say it!" Mother still ignored her. "I know, you don't speak because you don't know yourself. You don't know anything yourself." The girl said, and left in a fit of anger, jumped on her bicycle, and rode along the wall, before turning to the corner , Even the person and the car fell down.