Chapter 7 1-2

Dirk said, "What brought us here?—You mean literally here? That's what brought us here, my dear, at your request." Dirk said softly.This is the way to speak to Alia, a new mother, at this time. But Alia insisted on asking, as she always did. "I mean, what brought us—the three of us here, to this place, at this time? In this infinite universe, in this infinite time?" It was a bit difficult for Aaliyah to talk so much at once.In the hospital, in the nursing room with white walls covered with flowers, in the delivery room, she screamed, begged, and threatened.Her delicate voice became hoarse and jerky because of crying and moaning like tearing her throat, and her words were forced out, like a dying animal.

Dirk said softly but firmly, "You know what brought us here: love." "Love! I thought so too." Alia's reaction made it seem like she hadn't thought of it before.She was holding the baby's little head, and her husband stretched out his hand to caress the back of her hand, and used his somewhat clumsy big hands to help hold the little baby's head, while quietly staring at his wife.In the hospital, at his wife's bedside, he had gazed at her like this.The love for her and her son was so strong that Dirk felt unable to express it in words. Alia frowned, and continued, "In life, love is as indispensable as gravity, isn't it? Besides, 'gravity' is also an invisible thing."

Dirk laughed and said, "You and Chandler can see it. Not me." He was afraid to pat his stomach.He had lost almost ten pounds since Aaliyah was in the hospital, but he would have no problem losing another ten pounds. Aaliyah added, "But love is uncertain. It's like rolling dice." "It's more like poker. You're dealt cards, but good players get good cards. And only good players know how to play." Alia smiled at Dirk.She prefers this answer. "'Good players know how to play their cards.'" Playfully, she tugged at Deke's fingers around Chandler's head.Dirk's hand alone was big enough to hold the baby without any other help.In her new, husky, sad voice, Alia said, "I guess you're never going to leave me for even a moment, are you? Now we have our baby."

"Alia, what are you talking about?" Dirk walked away, somewhat annoyed. Alia looked at her husband in amazement, feeling innocent.His handsome face was tired and mournful from the week's torment, and he frowned like an American boy who had to grow up fast.For Alia, this was incomprehensible. Now Chandler writhed more, babbled more, breathed more rapidly, seemed to fill his little lungs with air, and began to growl.It's time to feed him, luckily. Luna Park 7 now has a baby coming to live.a baby! Sometimes, he's an angelic baby.And sometimes, it's a snarling red-faced imp.Mom and Dad always looked at him in surprise.If he hadn't squeezed his way through that tiny hole in her mother, Alia would have sworn he was from another planet.Krypton?Anyway, a planet whose laws of nature are different from ours.

How he loved to cry, to exercise his baby's little lungs.Frenzied, deliberate, like those crazy and brutal fascist leaders in the news stories—Hitler, Mussolini—yelling in the square to their captivated audience.Alia was tempted to joke, "Maybe the first birthday present he'd want would be a pulpit where he could start preaching at a young age." The idea, of course, came from the Reverend Littrell's family.But Alia bit her lip and said nothing. Now, at 7 Luna Park, Dirk Burnaby's old bachelor pad, nights were less romantic.It becomes a rickety voyage: on a windswept, turbulent river that leaves you dizzy and sick.Pray for the dawn to come. "At least you can get away for 'work.' This is where Dad goes." Aaliyah tried to make fun of it.Dirk defends himself, saying he can stay home and help if Alia wants to.He also hired a nanny to help Aaliyah when she was exhausted.But Aaliyah annoys the nanny because baby Chandler is her own.

(She swore she would never have a baby again. Oh, it hurts to have a baby! People say you'll forget the pain of childbirth, but she, Alia, won't. Never.) A little angel, a little devil.Waking up six times a night.howling, hungrily for mother's tits.Filled the diaper with his baby poo. (Ariah, groggy from lack of sleep and out of her usual rampage, has almost stopped hating this, even though it sounds weird. "Actually, it doesn't smell that bad. You You'll get used to it. It smells like... well, like a baby.") A volcano erupts at both ends.Dirk Burnaby was amazed, and that was how he described Chandler.

Then there's breastfeeding. breast-feeding!Something for mom and baby to do together, whenever baby wants.A secret thing.The babe sucked and sucked and sucked on her swollen tits full of milk.This, Alia thought, was another kind of sex.But we don't tell Dad. Yeah, it's better that Dad doesn't know. It's not that dad doesn't love baby, he does.But Dad certainly doesn't want to think of Baby as a rival in love, yes, that's what it is. God thank you.Now that you've made it up to me, I won't ask you for anything more. 2 "Looks like they've forgiven me, I guess. At least the Presbyterians have forgiven me."

In a few weeks, Mrs. Littrell was coming by train, alone to Niagara Falls, to see her grandson. "Oh, Aaliyah! My baby!" It was a tearful reconciliation at the raucous Niagara Falls train station, like a scene from a black-and-white war-era movie in the '40s.Movies of that era, sentimental but beautiful.Aliya, married and mother, was proud of her previous struggles, but when she hugged her mother, she was taken aback by the elderly woman's soft, warm, plump body, despite her face. There was an expression that a daughter should have on her face, but she couldn't shed a single tear.no way!Never forgive you for abandoning me when I needed you. "Alia, dear, will you forgive me?" asked Mrs. Littrell anxiously.Arya shook her mother's hand and immediately replied, "Oh, Mom. Of course I will. There's nothing to forgive." Dirk Burnaby, Mrs. Littrell's son-in-law, smiled and shook hands with her, Those hands were noble and gentle.And Chandler, sitting in his pram, blinked curiously at the tearful, trembling middle-aged woman, sucking her finger in her mouth.Mrs. Littrell knelt down to face Chandler, and she felt dizzy as if facing an abyss.She stuttered a little: "Oh, that's a miracle. He's a miracle. He's a miracle, isn't he, oh, what a beautiful little baby." Alia wanted to correct her mother: Baby money Dele is actually not very beautiful, no need to exaggerate.But to his grandmother, maybe he was really pretty.Mrs. Littrell asked Alia to let her give Chandler a hug, and of course Alia agreed: "Look, Chandler, this is grandma."

"'Grandma', hopefully he'll call me Grandma in the future. Oh, he's so pretty!" Mrs. Littrell had planned to stay in Niagara Falls for only two days, but she ended up staying six days at a stretch in her guest room at No. 7 Luna Park. "I don't know why, but it's easier to get along with people if they don't know you very well." Alia said lightly. (Though privately she's happy for Baby Chandler's win over Mom. There's a nice feeling of revenge.) When Mrs. Littrell arrived by train, she took with her two large suitcases, one of which was full of baby's things. "New, used," it's all in there, as well as some baby clothes that Aaliyah wore as a child 30 years ago. "Do you remember, dear? This little hat was woven for you by your grandmother." Alia smiled and said yes, she remembered, although she didn't remember it at all.Well, these old things must belong to someone else, Alia thought, her mother probably bought them at a bazaar in Troy for all she knew.Churches often hold bazaars in the basement.Alia's sudden fit of rage overwhelmed her happy reconciliation with her mother—the mother had no right to come into her life again, and Alia was better off now without her, and without Reverend Littrair.Gilbert Erskine would not be resurrected, and Mrs. Littleell had no right to break into her new life.

Gilbert Erskine, Alia would never think of him again.Yet in an ugly dream he had come to Alia.Here at Aaliyah's new home, he kept knocking on the door.Like that weird son in "Monkey's Paw."The timid Alia hid under the quilt and asked Dirk to open the door for her. Apparently, Mrs. Littrell didn't know that Dirk Burnaby was rich, and that's why she brought so many new and old things to the young couple.Aaliyah had never actually mentioned to her about her married life here in Niagara Falls, nothing at all.She just sent a typed birth notice and a few pictures of Chandler.Luna Park visibly terrifies Pastor Troy's wife.Adjacent residences are close to the river, elegant brick houses shaded by trees; neo-Georgian units face parks, with small but well-tended lawns and black iron fences; Dirk Burnaby Mrs. Littrell was amazed by the simplicity, sleekness, and style of the one-person apartment in his apartment, and the fact that Arya had such a dazzling Steinway piano.Not to mention the family's Irish nanny, housekeeper, and French male chef who Dirk brought in several times a month for business meals.And there is a black man who mows the small lawn in their house.Mrs. Littrell was a little confused. She seemed to have walked into someone's daughter's house, but there was no need to leave in a hurry.

A few times she whispered to Aaliyah, "Honey, you must be so happy, your cups won't fit your breasts!" The third time Mrs. Littrell whispered this to Alia again, Dirk was holding up Chandler to show Grandma his son's wonderful kicking and twisting ability-Dick called it "helicopter stunts."Annoyed, Alya replied, "Do you really think my cup size is too small, Mom? It doesn't fit so easily?" During this year, Reverend Littrell also began to accompany Mrs. Littrell to Niagara Falls.Alia's father, too, was fascinated by the Burnabys. In particular, he was fascinated by the newborn baby. Alya's father seemed to have aged a lot in a year.She thought, maybe it was her own fault.For all the humility of a Christian clergyman, his father was a proud man, and Alia's actions did offend him.His face was more lined, and his Teddy Roosevelt chin was much less confident.He even looked a little shorter in stature.The belly is also more bulging.He had developed an annoying, anxiety-provoking habit of clearing his throat before and after each speech, as if trying to blur his words a bit.Unlike Alia's tearful mother, he would never apologize to Alia or hug her.All he could do was to deliver a biblical revelation to Aaliyah when he was alone with her: "I know sometimes it's not too hasty to act rashly. You are blessed with your husband and your children. Alia, I Every moment of your life thank God for making your life the way it is." Alia said quietly, "Thank you, Dad." She wanted to smile mischievously again: That's right, but I'm still the cursed one.This is not going to change. In any case, Ariah was grateful for her father's words, though he was stingy, saying only a few words, and at a time when Ariah's life no longer needed them. (Why does she care about others, does she need to? Now that she has her own kids. Her own.) "Your parents are very kind and kind," said Dirk, with his usual enthusiasm.Aria found no sarcasm in his words, in the smile on his face.She knew, he must be thinking, how different from my mother.So it seemed to him that the Littrairs were so nice, so kind, that they were the ideal in-laws. "Well, obviously, they're Christians." Alia said softly.Oh, she's not being sarcastic! In fact she was grateful, very grateful, grateful to her husband, who had always been so courteous as a host and always so respectful to her parents.This allows her to have time to be quiet when she doesn't want to do things or talk.Give her the chance to put Chandler aside and take a nap. She liked it that Dirk was tall and confident as a son-in-law, and he spoke casually and authoritatively about business, politics, economics, law, and he knew so much about the recent "hydroelectric" developments in the Niagara region that Litley The Reverend Mr. Al became respectful. "Yes, I see. Oh, that's it." In Troy, he would have insisted on making his point; but here, in Luna Park, he was conquered.The Littrairs knew nothing of Dirk Burnaby's social class, his religion, or even his sense of humor, which they had a hard time understanding.Even Chandler, a toddler, is suddenly elusive.Compared with Grandma Littrell's ups and downs of concern for her grandson, Grandpa often feels confused.As for the child, he would look at the old man curiously, blinking his eyes slowly, without smiling.Sometimes he would violently push Grandpa away.At this time, Alia would see a heartfelt loss on her father's face. A thoughtless child also knows, to say no.to survive. That's it, one generation replaces another to live on this earth.Turned into bones, turned into dust.To be completely forgotten again.What was the point of the promised heaven, Alia thought, if man had lost the earth.She smiled coldly. "Chandler! You naughty boy. Grandpa wants to read to you, you know? This is your "Big Lion", your favorite book." Alia happily dragged her son back to his father's Beside him, on the couch, next to the old man with the clumsy smile. Alia is terrified of sailing, and doesn't like the 40-foot Valkyrie that much, and doesn't like to ride up and down the bumpy waves, running to Lake Erie and back, although she used to do it because of Dirk —mostly at least because he—had pretended to enjoy the short voyage.She foresaw a time in the future when Dirk and Chandler were out together and she could be at home by herself; but such a time had not yet come. Anyway, it's a big, festive affair, and Dirk is taking his natal relatives on a yacht five miles south to Lake Erie, on the beautiful outdoor deck of the Buffalo Yacht Club picnic.When Dirk took them to the small pier, how surprised and shocked Alia's father was by the sleek, bright, whitish yacht!Alia looked at her father's expression with a sense of pride.She guessed that her father must be wondering how much the yacht was worth. (He'd never guess.) Mrs. Littlerell was excited and anxious.It was a sunny day with a little wind, and there were many other boats on the river: sailboats, yachts, speedboats.Will it hit another ship?Will there be waves that drown their boats or capsize their boats?Alia saw that her mother was terrified.She spoke in a very low voice and was extremely embarrassed, for fear that her son-in-law would hear her.Alia said cheerfully, "No way, Mom. Dirk's an old hand at a yacht." An old hand at a yacht!Alia said the word so easily, and she had never even set eyes on a ship like the Valkyrie before meeting Dirk Burnaby and starting her new life in Great Falls, let alone Said to set foot on its deck so luxuriously furnished.Once on the river, Alia and her mother would stay in the cabin with Chandler anyway.The wind blows constantly on the Niagara River; Decker has to drive at a certain speed; he hates "hanging out";Alia was worried about the clouds ahead of them, but of course she didn't tell her mother.In the Great Lakes region, the weather can change quickly and the forecast is always wrong.Dad's big boat made Chandler very excited, but he seemed to be too excited, and soon tired, began to be anxious, depressed, crying, and all childish. "He's an excitable, sensitive boy," said Mrs. Littrell for the child. "He's like her mother." Alya smiled. "Is that how you see me, Mom? 'Excitable, sensitive'?" She wondered if she was being a little too much, maybe even rough.As a first-time mother, she couldn't be more proud of herself these days. When Chandler was first born, it could be said that she wasn't herself at all.Exhausted and depressed.I want to curl up and hide in the little nest where the bedding is spread.But she didn't, did she?Her small, hard breasts bulged because they were full of milk, sweet, delicious milk waiting for a baby to suck. Mrs. Littrell quickly added: "But you're very talented, Aaliyah. Very—very bright. Kind of weird. Your father and I always thought so." Incredible!It was a better word, Aaliyah liked it.Then she asked again: "Do you think Chandler looks like his father?" "His daddy? Well—I think he has daddy's eyes. A bit of Dirk's mouth. And the shape of his head." But Mama Alia's voice sounded uncertain. Aaliyah said, "When Chandler was born, he had dark hair. Dark, thin hair that looked like seaweed. But it's slowly getting lighter, like his dad's hair. I think he'll be Will look like his dad. He also likes numbers, Dirk said, and he thinks Chandler was playing with numbers a lot when he was his age. Dirk's mom said Chandler and Dirk were a lot alike when they were that age." It was such an astonishing lie that Alia couldn't believe it. "Of course, Chandler was born a week or two early, and he'll have to catch up with that. But he sure will." God, Alia suddenly began to worry about whose blood the child behind her was.She recalled these events vaguely, the way one sometimes recalls vague movie clips from long ago.If you see Dirk and Chandler, you immediately know that they are a father and son.Chandler liked Dad, and Dad liked him.Ariah thinks that the anxiety that comes with looking back is like the morning sickness she experienced when she was pregnant, or the response to weird foods (cold porridge, pickle sandwiches, fish fingers with mustard, Decamiron bread) shop's hot round bakery, etc.) cravings.There are many fantasies about having a baby for the first time, Dr. Pepper had warned her.They would imagine themselves giving birth to deformed children, giving birth to monsters.But at least Alia wasn't that powerful. An irritable Chandler had put his numbers game aside and gone to sleep.Through the constant splash of spray against the cabin windows, Mrs. Littrell watched the two men on deck.She was surprised. "I never expected to see such a picture. Your father became a protector. He is like a captain at sea." Hearing this, Alia forced a few laughs.Although there was a huge lake coal barge passing by at this time, the channel was very close to the Valkyrie, which was dangerous, and the Valkyrie shook because of it.Mrs. Littrell was frightened and smiled ugly: "Alia, what a wonderful man you married. You will never be disappointed." won't be disappointed?Is this why she loves Dirk? "Yeah, Mom. But we don't have to discuss that." Alia closed her eyes.The damn ship!Dangling, staggering.She was more afraid of seasickness than of drowning. But Mrs. Littrell continued to chatter, and she raised the volume to drown out the sound of the boat's motor. "Oh, Alia. God's will is unpredictable, just like the Bible says." Aaliyah replied, "Maybe God has a naughty sense of humor." The Littrairs never mentioned the Erskines to Alia, though they knew their fellow Erskines in Troy well; nor did they ever mention Gilbert Earle. Skin.It seemed that some part of the past had ceased to exist when they came to visit Luna Park, overwhelmed by Burnaby's luxurious apartment. As they undressed for bed at night after returning from a boat trip to Lake Erie, Alia and Dirk talked about the excursion.Dirk thought it was going well, but Alia suddenly felt that she didn't want to see her parents anymore, not even one of them.Her soul was like an old towel, thin and dirty.She said in a comical tone, "Well, now it looks like I'm totally forgiven. I'm totally forgiven by the Littrairs because of the Valkyrie." Looking in the mirror, Alia found A few new strands of striking silver hair have grown back.You want to uproot them, as you would the grim, sad thoughts. "But did you think of it? I've always been a sinner." Dirk chuckled, reached for her, and said, "Honey, I hope so." 3 No warning! On a weekday afternoon in October 1953, the doorbell rang suddenly before the piano students taught by Alia had finished their get out of class.Alia went to the door.She felt a little uneasy.This time will not be the postman, nor will it be the delivery man.Among the neighbors in Luna Park, Aaliyah is not very friendly. Once someone came unexpectedly without an invitation and was scared away by her indifference. (She had a reputation for being unfriendly, aloof, she guessed. And perhaps misguided.) Ariah would miss a few hours of piano lessons each week to spend time with Chandler.She is a passionate and dedicated mother.She fired the Irish nanny Dirk had hired for her and stopped him from doing the housework. "This is my home. I don't like to share it with strangers." Alia loves to look at Chandler from a distance, watching his son playing games for a long time, and forgetting the existence of his mother beside him.He sometimes talks to himself, sometimes argues with himself, smiles at himself, and patiently uses building blocks to spell out beautiful towers, bridges, and airplanes, and then imitates his father's voice and makes a brief comment "Look at me!" They all fell down and turned back into a mess. The game had a secret name, and he asked his mother to promise not to tell anyone, and then he quietly told her: "Earthquake." Chandler, two years and seven months old, is thin, excitable, shy, and doesn't like being around other kids.His little face is triangular like a ferret.Arya thought his eyes were like ferrets too—floating, tireless. "Chandler, look at me, look at Mom." He'd look, but you could feel his little brain that was telling him to be busy thinking about something more important. Before Alia reached the door, the doorbell rang harshly again.Aliya was annoyed, and opened the door—"Who is it? What do you want to do?" On the steps at the door stood an older woman in noble clothes and perfume. She looked familiar, as if she had seen it in a nightmare.This was a man Alia had never met, but knew (she knew!). The woman moved her mouth strangely and said, "Alia, hello. I'm Claudine Burnaby, Dirk's mother." The voice was self-consciously cultivated, as if it hadn't been used in a long time.In order not to notice Alia's surprise and panic, she stretched out a tired gloved hand.There was hardly any strength in her fingers.She watched Alia from behind her dark sunglasses, and Alia couldn't see her eyes.Her mouth was shiny and bright red, but she rarely smiled. is her!own mother-in-law. For a long, awkward time, Aaliyah stood transfixed.This is an unlikely meeting. The daughter-in-law, who has been dreaming about it for more than three years, has imagined it countless times. Now it is happening like this. It is clearly the first time; the mother-in-law has taken the initiative. There was a chauffeur-driven car parked on the side of the road, as serious as a hearse. Ariah heard her own voice falter, like an amateur singing out of tune: "Mrs. Burnaby! Hello, hello. Please, please come in?" The woman smiled gracefully. "Oh, dear—we can't all be called 'Mrs. Burnaby' now. Not at the same time." Alia later thought about this sentence carefully, like a person who doesn't quite understand where his wound is examining his own wound. Alia stammered and said that Dirk was not at home, and Dirk must be sorry not to see her, but she was thinking that Mrs. Burnaby must have come to take advantage of Dirk's absence. Why do you have to be so naive and dull?Alia helped Mrs. Burnaby to carry the coat, which she fumbled to put together with the coat, not realizing that it was actually a cloak of smooth soft wool, a rich and elegant deep purple that matched Mrs. Burnaby's inside. Clothes worn; the suit inside can be seen to be a very popular style in the mid-1940s, with square shoulders and tight waist, and a skirt that unfolds to the middle of the calf.A barrette was pinned to her metallic blonde hair, trimmed with a little cobweb-like tulle.All around her there was a smell of gardenias and mothballs.This man had ignored her since her marriage, and Alia felt ashamed to be exposed to this woman's eyes.She was wearing an old wool sweater, a pair of slacks, and the heels of the "moccasins" on her feet had been crushed and turned into slippers.There was still a patch of paint stuck to the hem of the trousers, which Chandler had painted with Easter egg paint a few months earlier.Alia's hair (gray hair) was pulled back more casually, and her pale, plain face should have been washed long ago.She was going to tidy up a little bit before her five o'clock piano lesson... Mrs Burnaby didn't seem to care about Alia at all, she just looked around purposefully. "Dirk hasn't had me here for years. He's been a weird, vindictive little kid, spoiled from childhood. Nobody thought he'd marry. Of course he should, and there are many advantages to being married. I see, you changed the wallpaper here. The tiles on the baseboard are new too. As far as I know, none of his girlfriends before you have ever lived here in Luna Park. Awesome .'Dirk is getting married, mother,' my daughters told me, 'but you don't know with whom, because you don't read the papers.' They had a good sense of humor, too. Oh, who is this?" Bo Mrs. Naby wobbled a little in her high heels.She went to the living room.There, Chandler, who was playing with a construction toy, looked up in surprise.The chatty woman with blonde hair, brightly painted lips, and shiny black sunglasses appeared to Chandler like a ghost.Her voice rose with excitement: "Is this—Chandler? I suppose it must be." Chandler's eyes widened and he stared silently at Mrs. Burnaby.Alia quickly squatted beside him, pretending to caress him, straightened his clothes, and smoothed his messy hair. "Chandler, this is Grandma Burnaby, Papa's mother, you know? Say hello to her—" Mrs. Burnaby said kindly but firmly, "You can call me 'Grandma Burnaby,' if you don't mind. I don't like being called grandma. Thank you." Alia froze for a moment, then said, "'Barnabizu-Grandmother,' Chandler, say hello." Chandler put his fingers in his mouth, and leaned his thin body against his mother, as if trying to hide in her arms.He blinked his eyes, looked at his grandmother, and muttered something, the voice was barely audible, like "You." Alia picked up the tone of endearment, as if something had happened that was sure to surprise and delight little Chandler, and said, "And this is your Burnaby grandmother, Chandler. You've never seen her before." Grandmother Burnaby, isn't she? So what a surprise she came to see us! What do you say when someone comes to see you, baby? Whisper baby - 'Hi'. " Chandler said again timidly, "You." Mrs. Burnaby said, "Hi, Chandler. You're going to be a man, aren't you? Nearly four? Or—not yet? Oh, what are you building here, Money Dele? A fine town of sticks, isn't it?" Mrs. Burnaby breathed heavily, as if she had just run into the house.In her hand she carried a leather handbag and a shopping bag containing several boxes wrapped in gift paper; Like a servant, he didn't even look at her. "But why are you playing here, Chandler? There's supposed to be a toy room upstairs for you? There's supposed to be a nursery upstairs, right? It's inconvenient for Mom and Dad to play here, and it's uncomfortable for you. , isn't it? See you're in the way. That furniture will get in the way too, won't it Chandler?" It seemed to be an urgent question, Mrs. Burnaby said, suddenly a little anxious and irritable.Chandler rubbed his mother embarrassingly, and Ariah thought she should answer the question. "Oh, Chandler can play where he wants. He plays upstairs and he plays here too. I play with him sometimes, don't I, Chandler? And he's smart with the furniture too. So, Mrs Burnaby—” The elderly woman said bluntly, "Please call me 'Claudine', of course. As I said, there can't be two Mrs. Burnaby at the same time." "K, Claudine." Aaliyah was impulsive and wanted to say, what a wonderful name.To her, the name was indeed beautiful.However, her throat was choked and she could not speak. "You are Alia. Dirk's wife, from Troy. Sorry, I got your last name wrong. Your father is a priest?" "Priest, Presbyterian minister." "He preaches too, doesn't he? Or doesn't their sect preach?" "Oh, he preached, but—" "Oh, we finally met. Needless to say, I've seen your picture, and my daughter showed it to me." Mrs. Burnaby paused, as if expecting a smile, or a concerned frown. eyebrow.But there was no expression on her face. "My dear, every picture of you is very different; now that I've met you, um - you're still different." It wasn't often that Dirk and Aaliyah visited Dirk's married sisters and their families.Usually only during holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter.Alia was terrified of these things.From the very beginning, she felt that Clarice and Sylvia were dissatisfied, even disgusted, with her marriage to Dirk.She had made up her mind not to take their grievances seriously.But now, she could hardly imagine what the two of them would have said to their mother. How dreadful, Mrs. Claudine Burnaby looked not much older than her forty-something daughters. Ariah asked her mother-in-law to sit down repeatedly, but the woman never heard; Alia tried to get her a cup of tea, but Mrs. Burnaby seemed to prefer hanging around downstairs.Ask if the furniture or wall coverings are new, if Alia picked them out; she says she loves the little piano that is full of piano textbooks; The sound of scratching made Alia grit her teeth involuntarily. “我过去也弹琴。不过是很久了，那会儿孩子们还没出生呢。”然后她晃进了饭厅，透过法式房门，她还扫了一眼后院；在厨房她也待了几分钟，阿莉亚呢，看着厨房里乱七八糟的水槽、气灶、冰箱心烦不已。她很想说，清洁女工明天就会过来。虽然确实是这样，但听起来却像是撒谎。她只是想提醒，不要根据你看到的来判断我。 回到起居室后，波纳比太太在孙子旁边的一张椅子上坐了下来。身体僵直，像一尊蜡像，只是在关节末梢稍有一些轻微的灵活才有些微的一点动作。她又试着跟钱德勒说话，拿出一件包装精美的礼物去逗钱德勒，可是钱德勒还是像上回一样躲到了妈妈怀里。波纳比夫人买的那些礼物，钱德勒和阿莉亚一看大小轻重就知道没什么意思，无非是一些衣服和布娃娃。阿莉亚担心钱德勒会挣脱她的怀抱跑掉，因为他在玩的时候要是给人打扰了，有时会变的很暴躁，有时还会莫名其妙地受伤，会让人觉得很可怕。钱德勒尤其讨厌像波纳比夫人这样，给人问来问去。何况这个祖母这么奇怪，跟外婆一点也不一样；她戴着闪闪发光的深色墨镜打量他，自己一丝笑容也没有却指望钱德勒能对她笑；她粗糙的脸上虽然没有皱纹，却是黄色的；为了掩饰过薄的嘴唇，她唇膏涂得很鲜艳，几近夸张。说话时，她又小心又费劲，好像嘴里噙了块大理石，随时会掉下来一样。她身子前倾去摸钱德勒的头发，钱德勒本能地往回缩，要不是妈妈笑着拉住了他，他早就爬过屁股下的地毯逃到另一间屋子里去了。 “他很害羞，波纳比夫人。他——” 这个老妇人对此嗤之以鼻，似乎是在说，她知道“害羞”这个词是怎么回事。 “他和外祖母在一起的时候害羞吗？那个特洛伊市的祖母？” “他太小了，波纳比夫人，到了明年春天才够三岁呢。” “三岁。”波纳比夫人叹了口气。“他要生活到21世纪呢。每个人都是从这么点儿小孩长大成人的，真是神奇，是不是？对了，听说他是个早产儿。” 阿莉亚没把这个放在心上。克劳丁这么随便地说钱德勒，好像这是她的特权，这让阿莉亚感觉很不舒服。 阿莉亚又问波纳比夫人是不是要点儿茶或者咖啡，这次波纳比夫人说：“来杯苏格兰威士忌加苏打。谢谢。”阿莉亚逃进厨房，给婆婆准备威士忌，顺便也给钱德勒和自己准备了一份乐啤露。一个人待着多轻松啊！她听见波纳比夫人站了起来，热情地鼓动钱德勒，想要让他打开礼物，但是听不到钱德勒有什么回应。 你为什么来我们这儿？你想从我们这里拿走什么呢。走开，回到你自己的蜘蛛网去吧。 然而，阿莉亚还是想到，这个妇人始终是钱德勒的奶奶，她或许应该有一些权利吧。同时，钱德勒也该有机会有位富有的、年长的亲戚，不是吗？这是个很实际的问题，阿莉亚应该撇开自己的偏见。 但这偏见就是我自己！我爱我的偏见。 德克昂贵的苏格兰威士忌味道多么浓烈啊，阿莉亚不由得想，她自己也要来点威士忌加苏打，或者就在厨房里来一口不加苏打的威士忌。但是就在让她神经紧张的时刻，一件不幸的事发生了。威士忌入口后，一股灼热顺酒而来，美妙非常，或许太过美妙了，让阿莉亚忽然渴望和德克爱抚、做爱。她又想哭，为她的孤单。她想找一位罗马天主教牧师（在她的生命里，对罗马天主教牧师说的话是最多的），来忏悔自己的罪过。我是个被诅咒的人，请救赎我吧。我让我的第一位丈夫因我而自杀，我却很高兴他死掉了！她想打电话到德克的办公室，告诉他那位柔情似水、声音甜美的秘书（阿莉亚知道，她也爱着德克），她有非常紧要的事找他，他来接电话的时向他哭诉。快回家来！这个可怕的女人是你的母亲，不是我的。快来帮我！阿莉亚手指颤抖，准备好了克劳丁?波纳比的酒，它闻起来棒极了。阿莉亚在瓶塞处吮了一口，很小的一口。 那甜美灼热的感觉充满了她的喉咙。漫遍全身。 1950年夏天在夏洛特那次不愉快的拜访后，已经三年多了，克劳丁?波纳比和这对年轻夫妇一直都鲜有往来。钱德勒出生时，阿莉亚告诉了波纳比夫人，她于是送来了一大堆礼品给他的孙子。那些礼物中，有一个巨大、笨重、昂贵、花里胡哨却毫不实用的维多利亚式婴儿车，收到后德克就马上把它丢进楼下的储藏室里了。圣诞节、复活节她也会给钱德勒送礼物。这些商店包好的礼物总是写着“可爱的钱德勒?波纳比收”。里面没有只言片语，也没有对德克和阿莉亚的感谢。阿莉亚笑道：“也许她认为钱德勒是他的爸爸一个人抚养的。”这只是个玩笑（当然），然而德克却为她母亲的做法感到汗颜，辩驳说：“我母亲确实不讨人喜欢。我已经慢慢接受这个事实，你也该学学我。她并不是有意这么粗鲁的，她活在自己封闭的世界里，就象一只乌龟缩在自己的壳里一样。”可是阿莉亚反对这样的说法，乌龟并不是生活在封闭的世界里。一只乌龟只和其他的乌龟生活在一起，他们肯定互相交流。乌龟也不会荒唐地掌握一大笔财富，而且这财富不是它们努力挣的，而是继承来的。然而，阿莉亚是不会把她的这些观点说出来给她那烦躁的丈夫听的。 阿莉亚痛恨德克的姐姐克莱丽丝和西尔维亚总是把她们母亲的消息带给德克。她们知道这会让德克伤心难过。克劳丁已经成了一个“无药可救的抑郁症患者”，她“可怜又可悲”。有段时间，她好像真的生病了：周期性偏头痛、呼吸道感染、结石。（当然，谁能想象结石是什么样子呢？）克劳丁想“操纵”所有家庭成员。她除了“像个罗马皇帝一样龌龊至极”之外，没有别的“一星半点儿”缺点了。德克的姐姐（还有她们的丈夫）坚信克劳丁?波纳比是在和他们还有他们的律师玩儿一个游戏：她怂恿他们去地方法院提出一个申请剥夺她代理分配遗产的权力，那样她就可以把他们都拖到法庭上，制造一起丑闻。除了德克和他的姐姐，波纳比家的其他成员也参与在家族的生意中——房产、在地方工厂的投资、尼亚加拉大瀑布的资产管理公司。这些阿莉亚知道得很少。可能的话，她宁愿知道得更少。“有专营权吗？”德克火冒三丈地问，“除了我作为委托人挣的钱外，我们不需要一分钱。而且我不想讨论这个问题。”阿莉亚一丁点儿讨论的兴趣点都没有，踮起脚尖乖乖地亲了亲丈夫那张怒气冲冲的脸，张开双臂紧紧抱住了他。 噢，她爱德克！no doubt. 现在想想，就算她不能取悦克劳丁?波纳比，她也应该表现得彬彬有礼；或许甚至（她想起从前受过的基督教博爱教育，还有母亲不知疲倦地教她的那些周日课程）她可以喜欢这个女人。“我会试一试！”又啜了一口——很小一口——德克爽口的威士忌。阿莉亚回到起居室，波纳比夫人已经“帮忙”打开了两件礼物，里面是些衣服。这些衣服太小了，钱德勒根本没法穿。钱德勒假装对这些礼物感兴趣，而对其他的东西却毫不在意。阿莉亚想替钱德勒摆脱窘境，就递了那杯酒过去。波纳比太太接过酒，痛快地喝了起来，没有任何表示，就像这是她应得的。阿莉亚则跪在钱德勒身旁边去喂他喝那杯乐啤露。在她刚才离开这间屋的时候，屋内的气氛已经有了改变。 波纳比夫人用嘲讽的语气说：“带礼物来，就是带着自己的真心来，就是带着'真心诚意'来，可是不见得人家领这份儿情呀。” 阿莉亚张了张嘴想要辩解，可是大概是在厨房里威士忌喝多了，她反而想哭。 波纳比夫人接着说：“我也弹过钢琴，可是没弹过肖邦、莫扎特、贝多芬的曲子。我弹得还不够好。当时，我涉世未深——是个'大美人儿'——用当时的话说。你，阿莉亚，至少没受过这样的罪吧。” 阿莉亚笑了出来，这样的侮辱太粗鲁了。或者——这到底是不是羞辱呢，也许是一种间接的赞誉？波纳比夫人把食指放入饮料中搅了搅。“我的女儿和她们的丈夫都希望能继承夏洛特和周围的土地，但是夏洛特只能留给男孩，注定是德克的。德克是唯一有资格继承那里的人，你明白吗？虽然他伤透了我的心。他不是一个合格的儿子，或许也不是一个合格的丈夫。你以后会知道的，亲爱的。” 这话深深地刺痛了阿莉亚，她平静地说，“我不想和你讨论我丈夫，波纳比太太，尤其在他的儿子面前！希望你能理解，行吗？” 波纳比太太对这些话置若罔闻，又喝了一大口酒。“我女儿们说你是一个非常业余的钢琴师。显然，她们听过你的演奏。你能不能弹一段给我听听呢？” “噢，有时间吧。等到——” “你在这个屋里'教钢琴'对吧，就像你从前在特洛伊市'授课'一样？能告诉我你为什么教钢琴吗，亲爱的？” “'授课'的原因？我喜欢教年轻的学生。而且我——我想做点儿什么事，除了做全职的太太和母亲之外。” “'全职的太太和母亲'！德克对此是怎么说的？” “您为什么不去问他，波纳比太太？我相信他一定会告诉您的。” “她们说你结婚前就教音乐——在你的第一次婚姻前。我意识到你不止结过一次婚，阿莉亚。一个年轻的寡妇。在战争年代寡妇也许比较常见。就我儿子的收入而言，他的妻子还要去教钢琴课似乎有点奇怪，或者我现在不了解德克的收入情况了。他不再跟我说了。他有他的理由，可谁知道是什么理由呢。这个粗心大意的小伙子还欠我12，000块钱呢，不过我不收他的利息，也不会有什么急事去催他还这个债。你看上去很吃惊呢，阿莉亚？是有点奇怪。不过问德克这些事儿没意义，因为他绝对不会说的。他从不相信女人。他自闭得近乎病态。玩儿了一个又一个女人。有一些还来找我，当然，是可敬的那些。她们伤心欲绝，怒不可遏，但当时她们并不知道自己这种样子。我可没有掺和过——德克的父亲也没有。我想告诉你——已经有安排了，某种“医疗”上的安排，万一德克觉得自己或别人处于一种潜在的尴尬中，他可以抽身而出。你明白我的意思吧，阿莉亚？我觉得除了你的那些雀斑比较吸引人，你可真是再平凡不过了。” 这时，钱德勒，也许是阿莉亚自己，把乐啤露洒到了地毯上，这可要餐巾纸反复擦拭才能清理干净呢。 波纳比太太又说：“不知道德克现在还去不去伊利古堡？他带你去过那个赛马场吗，亲爱的？” “赛——马场？”阿莉亚确实知道在伊利古堡有一个赛马场，一个在当地很著名的赛马场；但是波纳比太太的问题让她很吃惊。 “我觉得他没有吧？不知道。” 这时候阿莉亚头痛欲裂，刚喝下的威士忌让她的胃翻腾起来。她好像感到她那戴着高雅黑色天鹅绒帽子和深色眼睛的婆婆前倾着身体，在冷漠地戳她的胸口。更可怕的是，钱德勒将这一切都看在了眼里。平常他很不耐烦大人间的谈话，这时却张大了嘴巴看着他的奶奶。“宝贝儿，先去别的房间好吗？就去一会儿。妈妈马上就来——” “不，不用了。没必要。亲爱的，我这就走。” 闻着波纳比太太身上浓浓的香水味，阿莉亚踉踉跄跄地跟在她的后面，神思恍惚，忘了帮波纳比太太拿披肩，波纳比太太就自己从壁橱里拿了出来，“记得替我问候德克。不知道什么时候我才会再离开我的小岛。那没什么必要，又费事。况且我的身体也不好。”到了门口，波纳比太太又伸出戴着手套的手，握都没握，只碰了碰阿莉亚的手算是告别。她压低了声音说：“亲爱的，不要担心，你的秘密我决不会告诉别人的。” “我的秘——秘密？什么秘密？” “哦？就是孩子不是德克亲生的呀。你知道，我也知道。他不是我孙子。但是，我说了，不要担心。我没那么小心眼儿。” 阿莉亚目瞪口呆地看着婆婆，她踩着那夸张的高跟鞋穿过前院，司机赶忙跑过来迎着，帮她打开车门，她坐进了车里。 阿莉亚回到起居室，发现钱德勒正在专心致志地玩儿那些旧玩具，而对旁边那堆包装精美的礼物视而不见。 阿莉亚拿着那瓶苏格兰威士忌上楼了。德克晚上下班后，是在他们卧室里的那张还没铺好的床上找到她的。 1 这只合乎逻辑，不是吗？ 假如你知道你的第一个孩子随时可能会因为神旨而离开你，你一定想再要第二个孩子。如果你没能像一个母亲应该做的那样去爱你的第一个孩子，你当然会想再要一个孩子，让你能够做到这一点。 “虽然说有些事是永远也不可能做对的。” 同样的逻辑，如果你前面的两个孩子都是男孩儿，你就会想再要一个女孩。 一个女儿。“那样我的生活就完整了。上帝，我发誓我将别无所求。” 这只合乎逻辑。如果你知道，丈夫有一天会离你而去，或者被迫离开，你就会想要很多孩子。这确实很合乎逻辑。阿莉亚?波纳比是一个理性女人。随着岁月的流逝，她已变得不存什么奢望去摆脱那种神思不安了。她变成了一个冷静的宿命论者，像沉着的天气预报员那样不为风雨动容，冷静地面对自己未来的生活。她会冒险（她以为自己知道这一点，因为即便最亢奋的时候，她仍然会很睿智）赶走丈夫，因为她期望有一天，丈夫从她的生命里“消失不见”。 即使在她紧紧地拥抱他的时候。即使她总是想抱他抱得更紧。 这只合乎逻辑不是吗？虽然她并不相信祈祷，可是之后的十年，她无数次地哽咽着乞求。 “上帝啊，你不会如此残忍——对吧？恳求您这次让我怀孕吧？哦，求您了！” 这是个合乎逻辑的愿望，但是要花费许多年的时间才能实现。 “德克，你真的爱我？对吧？” 她用渴望的声音问道。在夜晚半睡半醒、迷迷糊糊的时候，在我们说那些白天不会说起的那些话的时候。 他睡意酣然没有回答她。只是蜷曲着身体抱着她，那臂弯沉重，温暖而又安全。她躺在他的臂弯中。就像是另一个婴儿！ 他们之间的爱一如从前那样炽烈（至少阿莉亚这样认为），可是随着时间的推移他们不像从前那样频繁地做爱了。也不像从前那样充满激情了。做爱对他们来说，越来越平淡无奇。最后一次白天做爱，做了一个小时；那次他们冲动异常，没有在那张又大又舒适的床上，而是在别的地方；阿莉亚痛苦地把嘴压在德克大汗淋漓的胸口，以免叫的太大声。 克劳丁?波纳比那次可怕的拜访后，阿莉亚就下定决心，她绝不再喝酒，哪怕是晚餐时她最爱喝的红酒，哪怕是珍贵的纪念日庆典上的一杯派力格农。小腹中那种甜蜜的渴望也慢慢消退了，就像从来没有过一样。她再不那么充满情欲地去拥抱丈夫了，甚至有时一点儿欲望也没有，除了坚定地想要怀孕、想要一个孩子这些女性的欲望之外。 要一个孩子。 也许，这样一个愿望并不合乎逻辑。孩子们出生以后再回顾这一切，它真的成了那样。 因为在回忆中，即使是绝望之中最随意地掷出的那把骰子，似乎也都是不可避免的。 多少年了啊!“然而我没有怀疑过。也绝不会。” 于是我出生了。But why? 2 真是奇迹！阿莉亚终于怀上了第二个孩子，并且在1958年的9月降生下了他。这时，阿莉亚已经37岁了。 “是很晚。但不是太晚！” 这次怀孕，在阿莉亚的回忆中充满了明亮的金色阳光，是幸福无比的日子，与很久以前噩梦般的第一次怀孕真是天壤之别！罗约尔?波纳比完全是在预产的日期出生的，一个健康的七磅重的足月婴儿，有着淡黄色头发和钴蓝色的眼睛，与他父亲的一模一样。他的母亲总不由自主地想，这个的的确确是我们的孩子了，这个孩子，我们可以爱他了——罗约尔为此而生。 他出生的时候正是他爸爸在尼亚加拉大瀑布事业的巅峰时期。 他出生的那个历史时期，似乎整个宇宙都在扩张。向着无限扩张。 如果说阿莉亚的婚姻正开始“飘摇不定”——“冷战”——这些字眼已经是脑海中比较柔和一点的字眼了——的话，罗约尔的出生使事情有了转机，虽然只是短暂的。 “现在你肯定不会离开我了吧，德克，你会吗？——现在我们有两个孩子了。”阿莉亚这么揶揄着，而罗约尔则用手抓挠着她的眼睛。 德克退缩了，他真不知道如何去应对妻子的这番揶揄，但他知道，他非常地不喜欢。他也很清楚，最好还是不要对她说那些刻薄的话为好。 德克双手把罗约尔举了起来，罗约尔在他怀里乱蹦乱踢。小罗约尔是个健壮、精力充沛的家伙，从小就显得与众不同。和钱德勒性格迥异。阿莉亚看着他们，她知道德克不会是在想“这个是我的，我自己的儿子”，然而他脸上全神贯注、溺爱的表情却分明在这样说。 1950年代。“繁荣时期”。 当地的历史家们宣称，这将和尼亚加拉大瀑布的1850年代一样，是个大发展的年代。不同的是19世纪的50年代尼亚加拉发展的是旅游业，而20世纪50年代发展的将是工业。到1960年，这个地区的人口将翻倍，增长到100，000。 到1970年，这个地区将拥有全美最棒最集中的化学公司。 尼亚加拉河流域中，云雾缭绕，奇幻美丽的大峡谷、尼亚加拉大瀑布市及边远的郊区将得到全面的发展。这就是罗约尔?波纳比的世界。 如果还有其他的什么，罗约尔也不会知道。 阿莉亚对于事情也只知道得很模糊，因为她对“当地政治”不太感兴趣。（事实上，她对政治一丝一毫的兴趣也没有。那是男人的世界，为什么去操那份儿心呢。）尽管如此，阿莉亚也意识到，那些郊区的空地、林地还有耕地都被挖的挖、填的填，全建成了工业区。这些工业区有几百亩——不，一定是上千亩。“怎么回事，爸爸？我们在哪儿啊？”——星期天他们全家驱车沿着河流向北游玩，或者去洛克港内陆的时候，钱德勒这样困惑的问道。（钱德勒对伊利运河和洛克港的大水闸非常感兴趣。）可是从前熟悉的景象变得面目全非，一片狼藉，就像玩积木时的地震一样。 “钱德勒，你看到的是进步。” 透过挡风玻璃，德克指着外面的那些建筑说。阿莉亚抱着罗约尔坐在后排，在他耳边低语轻唱。 这是一个意义深远的事实：原始的土地被水泥地面所取代，树木被砍伐，锯开了运走，巨型的起重机和推土机随处可见。通往洛克港的那条老的双行道被加宽为三行道。一夜之间高速公路穿过了田地。新的灰褐合金的颜色桥梁建了起来，明亮而刺眼。阿莉亚远远地望着这一切，心里充满了厌恶。这些“进步”发生在远离月神公园的地方，她为什么要在乎呢？月神公园位于彩虹大道和第二大街那片街区，是这个城市最老的居民区；而变化都是发生在城市的东北边，在海德公园，布法罗大街，老兵路，斯万路之外，在100大街那片儿。这对于阿莉亚来说就像是发生在月球上一样。原来荒无人烟的土地，建了工厂，仓库、员工车场。有汽车配件制造厂，冷冻设备制造厂、化工厂、肥料厂。有石膏生产厂，皮革制品厂；有生产柏油、石棉的，也有生产杀虫剂、除草剂的，像纳比斯科、斯万化学公司、道化学公司、联合卡博、西方化学公司。沿河南岸，万众瞩目的大型发电站正在建造中，它将利用大瀑布三分之一的水力去“发电”。阿莉亚在《尼亚加拉新闻报》上读到，尼亚加拉电站从波纳比公司买走了成千上万英亩的土地，这真是太令人震惊了，报纸从她手中滑落了下去。 “我的上帝，这是我们吗？我们发财了？” 这种可能性使她恐惧万分。 这时罗约尔已经五个月大了，有的是胃口和精力，正在阿莉亚的胸口吃着奶。钱德勒已经七岁了，他本来就不是很机灵，弟弟的降生让他变得更加害羞和呆板。他在育婴室门口走来走去，担心地看着他的妈妈。看见妈妈一脸又吃惊又痛苦的样子。他问发生了什么事情，阿莉亚马上回答说：“噢，宝贝，没——没事！什么事也没有。”