Chapter 55 Chapter Up

The years are passing... It is not as urgent as the tongue twister that the reform-through-labour prisoners joked: "Winter-Summer, Winter-Summer".Autumn is long, winter is long, spring is slow, only summer is short.In the archipelago, summer is short. Even one year is long enough.Even if it is a year, how much time for thinking is left for you!In one year, whether it is a muddy drizzle, a bitter and violent snowstorm, or the bitter cold after the wind stops, you have to stand in the queue for work three hundred and thirty times. in the jostling.You have to do 330 days of annoying, mindless work that has nothing to do with you.Three hundred and thirty dusks, you huddled wet and cold at the off-work assembly point, waiting for the soldiers of the escort team to come together from all the distant watchtowers.Line up to work, line up to work.Lower your head and drink seven hundred and thirty bowls of vegetable soup) and seven hundred and thirty servings of porridge.Wake up and go to sleep in your "little car".No radio or books to distract you.But it's all right, thank God.

It's just one year.And there are as many as ten years like this.There are as many as twenty-five years to spend in such years... There are also times when I lie in the hospital because of malnutrition.This is also a good time for you to think about things. Think about it!Draw conclusions from your suffering. In this endless time, the brains and souls of the prisoners can't be inactive all the time, can they? !From a distance, in groups, they look like a bunch of wriggling lice, but they're still spirits, aren't they?Hadn't the faint spark of God been introduced into their hearts at some point?How is it now?

It has been believed for many centuries that the sentence given to a criminal is to make him reflect on his crimes during this "period", suffer, regret, and gradually reform himself. But the condemnation of conscience has nothing to do with the Gulag Islands!Five out of a hundred natives were thieves, and instead of feeling reprehensible for their crimes, they considered it heroic.They fantasize about more subtly and shamelessly performing such feats in the future.He 01 has nothing to regret.There are five more who have made a lot of money, but not privately: in our time, a lot of money can only be taken from the state, and the state itself is there to make big money without any regrets and meaninglessly. To squander the money of the people.So what does this type of character have to regret?Could it be that he regretted that if he made more money and everyone shared the loot, could he get away with it?The other eighty-five natives were innocent of any crime.Regret what?Regret shouldn't think about those things you thought about? (However, some people are really indoctrinated and fooled to such an extent that he really regrets that he has become a bad person... Let us recall the person who felt guilty about himself compared with Zoya Kosmodemyanskani Nina Pelegood's desperate mood.) Shouldn't you be a prisoner in desperate situations?Shouldn't he have found a job instead of dying of starvation during the German occupation? (However, the boundaries between right and wrong are so confused that some people do feel bitterly that it would be better for me to die than to earn this bread.) It is not right to take things back from the field to feed while working for the collective farm in vain. children eat?Or shouldn't something be taken out of the factory for the same?

No, you not only have nothing to regret, on the contrary, your innocent conscience is like a lake in the mountains, shining cleanly in your eyes. (Your eyes, cleansed by suffering, can spot any cloudiness in other people's eyes without fail. For example, you can tell who is eyeliner without fail. "Chickageb" didn't know that we have this kind of good at discerning truth. Pseudo-smart eyes - this is our "secret weapon" against it. The state security apparatus is always our underdog in this regard.) The main difference between us and Yanstoevsky's convicts and Yakubovich's convicts is our almost unanimous sense of innocence.They realize that they are irreversible social rebels, but we know with certainty that the authorities can drag any free person in as well as we can; the barbed wire is only a nominal dividing line.Most of them in those days were unconditionally aware of individual guilt, whereas what we are aware of today is the catastrophe of millions.

However, it cannot perish in a disaster.To survive disaster. Could this be the reason for the astonishing rarity of suicides in labor camps?Yes, they are rare, although anyone who has been in a labor camp can probably remember a suicide.But remember more is the escape.There must be more flight than suicide! (Enthusiasts of socialist realism may praise me: I am pursuing the line of optimism.) The incidents of self-mutilation are far more than suicides! --But this is also an act of loving life.It's a simple calculation: sacrifice the part to save the whole.I even have the feeling that the suicide rate in labor camps, calculated by thousands of people, is lower than outside prisons.Of course, I can't verify it.

Skripnikova remembered that in Medvezhegorsk in 1931, a man in his thirties hanged himself in the women's toilet, on the very day that his release was announced!Perhaps it was due to a distaste for the society outside the prison at the time? (His wife had abandoned him two years earlier, but he did not hang himself then.) Also, the designer Voronov hanged himself in a club at the headquarters of the Brepolom labor camp. --The Communist Party member and party cadre Alamovich who served his second sentence hanged himself in the attic of the machinery factory in Knyazh-Pogost in 1947. --A group of Lithuanians driven to the point of utter desperation, and more importantly a whole life unprepared for our cruelty, came face to face with armed soldiers in Kraslag during the war years, expecting to be shot by them die. ——In 1949, in the investigation cell of Vladimir City, Volin Region, a young man who was frightened by the interrogation had already hanged himself, but was released by Baraniuk. -- At the Kaluga checkpoint, a former Latvian army officer lies in the inpatient section of a health facility and sneaks up the stairs of an unfinished, unoccupied building.A female nurse who was a prisoner spotted him and hurried after him.She caught up to him on the sixth-floor balcony and grabbed his robe.The suicide throws off his gown, and in his underwear he hastily stepped into the void -- flashing across the sky like white lightning, under the watchful eyes of passers-by on Kaluga Street on a sunny summer day. --After hearing the news of her husband's death, Amy, a female member of the German Communist Party, walked out of the shed without a coat to the cold open air in order to catch a cold.Kelly, an Englishman in Vladimir's special prison, cut his own intravenous line with the door of the cell open and the guard standing in the door opening with superb skills. (The implement he used was a piece of enamel peeled off the washbasin. Kelly hid it in a shoe, which was by the bed. Kelly dragged the corner of the quilt off the bed to cover the shoe, took out the enamel, and cut the enamel under the quilt. veins in the hand.)

I repeat, there are many other people who can tell about similar incidents, but the total number is not much after all for the tens of millions of people who have served their sentences.Even from these examples, it can be seen that foreigners and people from the west of our country account for a large proportion of suicides: falling into the archipelago hits them harder than ours, so they commit suicide.Then there are loyalists (but not diehards) who also account for a large proportion.This is understandable, their minds must have been a total mess, buzzing non-stop.How can they stand it? (Zosia Zaleska, a Polish aristocrat who dedicated her life to the "communist cause" by serving Soviet intelligence, committed suicide three times during the interrogation: hanged herself - was undone; cut her veins - Interrupted; jumps onto seventh-floor ledge--the dozing investigator grabs her dress just in time. Saves her three times in order to shoot her.)

What is the correct interpretation of suicide in general?Anse Bernstein insists that suicides are not cowards at all and that suicide requires a great deal of willpower.He himself twisted bandages into ropes, rolled up his legs, and tried to hang himself.But whenever green circles appeared in his eyes and ringing in his ears, he involuntarily put his feet on the ground.In the last test, the rope broke - he felt lucky because he was still alive. I don't argue.Perhaps even at the height of despair, it takes willpower to commit suicide.For a long time, I'm afraid I won't say anything about the matter at all.I have always been sure that I would never have suicidal thoughts under any circumstances.But not too long ago, I had a couple of cloudy months when I thought my life's work was all over, especially if I lived.I vividly remember this distaste for life now, this feeling that "it's easier to die than live" that came up at times.In my opinion, it takes a stronger will to continue living in this state than to die.But maybe different people feel differently at different peaks.Therefore, there have been two opinions since the beginning.

It's a spectacular reverie: millions of innocent victims suddenly start committing en masse suicides, causing the government a double woe: they both prove their innocence and rob it of its free money. labor.Maybe the government's heart will suddenly soften?Maybe start to feel pity for your own people? ...I'm afraid not necessarily.I am afraid that Stalin will not stop because of this, he will only get another 20 million from free people. But nothing like this happened!Hundreds of thousands and millions of people died, they seemed to have been pushed to the top, but for some reason, those who did not commit suicide were destined to endure deformed life, tortured by hunger, and overworked people did not commit suicide End of Life!

After careful consideration, I think this argument is stronger: a suicidal person is always a bankrupt, always a cornered person, a person who has lost his life and has no courage to continue fighting.And if these millions of helpless poor cows and horses finally refuse to kill themselves-it means that there is still some invincible emotion in them, some powerful thought. That’s what it’s like to generally think of yourself as righteous.This is what it feels like to suffer a whole people under the Tartar yoke. But if there's nothing to repent -- well, what has the prisoner been thinking? "Poverty and prison give wisdom".It will be given.But where will it lead him?

Not only me, many people have felt this way.The sky of our first prison--the billowing clouds, the black plumes of volcanic eruptions.This is the sky of Pompey, the sky of the Last Judgment, because it is none other than me, the center of the world, who is arrested. The sky of our last prison is infinitely high, infinitely bright, even a lighter color than sky blue. We (religious peoples aside) are all first moves; pulling our own hair - but it's been shaved! ...how did we do it!How did we not see the informer?How did we not see our enemy? (How we hate them! How will we avenge this?) What negligence!How blind!How many mistakes were made!How to save it?Hurry up to remedy it!To write...to speak...to inform... But there is no need to do anything.Nothing can save us.At that time, we will sign according to the procedures stipulated in Article 206, and then we will hear the in-person judgment of the Revolutionary Court or the default judgment of the Special Court. The deportation phase has begun.This is when we begin to like to recall our past: what a wonderful life we ​​used to have! (Even if it wasn't actually pretty.) How many untapped opportunities!How many unkneaded flowers were there!When will we make it all up again? ... If I had lived to that day ... Oh, how differently and how wisely I would have lived!The day of freedom in the future?It is as bright as the rising sun! The conclusion is: to live to that day!Get out alive!At any cost! "At any cost!"--this is just a common phrase, a customary saying. But the words are swollen with all their meaning.Thus formed a terrible oath: get out alive at any cost. He who can swear this oath, who can not blink before its final red fire-for him, his own misfortune covers both the common misfortune and the whole world. This is a big fork in the road of life in the labor camp.From this point, the road splits into left and right.One up, one down.Go to the right - you will lose your life, go to the left - you will lose your conscience. The self-command "Live!" is a natural struggle of a living being.Who doesn't want to live?Who has no right to live?Summon the strength of our whole body!Send the command "Live!" to all cells!Introduce a huge charge into our chest cavity, surround our heart with a cloud of electrons so that it cannot stop beating.Thirty emaciated but strong-boned prisoners braved the wind and snow along the ice road inside the Arctic Circle and were taken five kilometers away to take a bath.There is really no benefit to the small bathroom.Every time you take a bath, you have to divide it into five batches, six people in each batch, and the door of the bath room opens directly to the cold open air.When one group of people took a shower, the other four groups had to stand outside and wait.Because no one can force them to go back by themselves!But not only did no one get pneumonia, no one even caught a cold. (There is an old man who served his sentence from fifty to sixty years old. He has been washed like this for ten years. After he was released, he returned home, was warm and cared for, and died within a month. The order "Live!" was invalidated... ...) But simply "surviving" does not mean at any cost. "Any price" means: at someone else's expense. We have to admit the fact: not most of the people who turn right on this big fork in the labor camp, on this separation station of the soul.Unfortunately - not most.But luckily it's not just a few people.There are not many people who have chosen this path.But they don't advertise themselves, you have to observe carefully to know.They have faced dozens of choices, but each time they know what to do. Take Arnold Suzy, for example, who entered the labor camp in his fifties. He has never been a religious believer, but he has always been a dignified and decent person, and he has never changed his way of life.Entering a labor camp is not ready for another life.He is a "person from the western region", which means that he is doubly unsuited to the environment, and he will suffer and be deceived at any time and anywhere, and get into trouble.He is the one who does ordinary labor, and he is the one who squats in the punishment isolation area.But he continued to live, the same person he had been when he first entered the labor camp.I knew him from the beginning, I... I knew him later, I can testify.It is true that there were three important mitigating conditions that accompanied his reform through labor: he was recognized as a disabled person; he received packages from outside for a few years;But these three conditions can only explain why he survived.Without these conditions he may die, but he will not change. (Perhaps the ones that die die because nothing changes?) And Tarashkevich, a very simple and straightforward man, recalled: "There are many people who are willing to beg for a ration, for a smoke of horses. I am a half-dead person, but my conscience is clean and white. I'd never say it's black..." It has been known for centuries that prisons can transform a man.There are countless examples of Silvio Pellico: after eight years in prison, he transformed from a fanatical Carbonarist to a meek Catholic.In our country people always mention Dostoevsky.But what about Pisarev?What remains of his revolution after coming out of the Peter and Paul Fortress?Whether this is good for the revolution is debatable.But these changes always make the soul more advanced."Lack of oxygen the soul withers," wrote Ibsen. No!It's not that simple!Quite the opposite!For example, General Gorbatov, who has been fighting since he was young and rose through the ranks in the army, had no time to think.In prison, that's great--all sorts of things come to mind: remembering that he once suspected an innocent man of espionage; remembering that he wrongly ordered the shooting of an innocent Pole Yan (probably only remembered now! I'm afraid you won't think about such things much after your reputation is restored?) Enough has been written about this kind of inner change in prisoners, and it has been raised to the level of prison science. theoretical level.For example, Luchenetsky wrote in the pre-revolutionary "Prison Bulletin": "Darkness makes man more sensitive to light; the state of unfree inactivity arouses in him the desire to live, to move, to work; silence Forces him to reflect deeply on his own self, his surroundings, his past and present, and prompts him to think about the future." Leo Tikhomirov's contrary opinion should also be mentioned.In his article ("Red File", No. 41/42, p. 138), he writes that the Narodnaya Volya "has no place to test his views. This is the most terrible aspect of prison, and I know it from my own experience. One point. Four years in prison was a complete loss to my development. The next four years of freedom gave me a thousand different insights into myself, people, and the laws of life." I thought: Maybe this is because of being in prison Are all people of the same type as him?Or are some very impatient people who are looking forward to being free soon?If this is the case, it will be very difficult to focus the mind and develop growth. The Enlightenment writers in our country who have never been in prison have only the natural sympathy of the spectator; however, Dostoevsky, who has been in prison himself, advocates punishment!This is food for thought. The proverb also says: "Freedom destroys people, but no freedom educates people." But what Peliko and Luchenetsky wrote was "prison", but what Dostoevsky demanded was the punishment of prison.Unfreedom educates man -- but what kind of unfreedom does that mean? Is it a labor camp? This will make you think. Compared with prisons, the labor camps in our country are of course poisonous and harmful. It is certainly not our souls that they swell up the archipelago.But anyway, is there really no hope of gaining a foothold in a labor camp? To take it a step further: Is it really impossible to ennoble the soul in a labor camp? In the Samarka labor camp in 1946, a group of intellectuals were on the verge of death; hunger, cold, and incompetent labor tortured them to the brink of death.Even the right to sleep has been deprived, there is no place for them to sleep, and the cellar-style work shed has not yet been built.Did they steal?Are you going to be an eyeliner?Crying about your ruined life?No!Knowing that death is imminent, knowing that the remaining time is not counted in weeks but in days, but please see how they sit by the wall and spend their last sleepless leisure time; Timofeev-Lesovs The base gathers them to hold "workshops".They seized the time to exchange knowledge and learn from each other's strengths.Teach each other the last lesson.Father Saveli talks about "Death without Shame", a theologian talks about the study of the father's suicide note, a member of a combined religious sect talks about doctrine and canon issues, a power engineer talks about the dynamics principle of origin, and an economist ( Leningrad) on how efforts to create the principles of Soviet economics had failed for want of new ideas.Timofeev-Lesovsky himself introduced them to the principles of microphysics.Attendance at each seminar dwindles -- the absentees have gone to the morgue . . . He is an intellectual who is interested in all this when his body is already stiffened by the imminence of death! Excuse me, do you love life?It's you!It's about people who cry, sing, and dance "I love you, life! Oh, I love you, life!" every day!Do you love it?Please love this too!Please love the life in the labor camp too!It - is also life! Where there is no struggle with fate, Where your soul will be reborn...(?) You don't understand anything.When you get there, you will turn into a puddle of mud! The road we chose circled one circle after another.Is it leading to the top of the mountain?Is it to the cloud?Let's walk along it, let's stumble over it. The day you regain your freedom?After all these years, what else can it bring us?We ourselves will be changed beyond recognition, and our loved ones have changed as well.The place that was once our home will make us feel more foreign than a foreign land. Thoughts about freedom even become forced upon you at some point.far-fetched idea.Rusty thoughts. The day of "freedom"!As if there is freedom in this country!And as if it was possible to set a person free without first liberating himself spiritually! Stones crumble beneath our feet.Fall down and become a thing of the past.This is the ruins of the past. And we're going to go up. Prisons are good places to think, and labor camps aren't bad either.Mainly because there is no rally.Within ten years you got rid of any rally!Wouldn't that be the same as breathing mountain air?The camp cadres openly claim ownership of your labor and your body until you are exhausted to the point of death, but they never violate your ideology.They never try to screw a screw into your brain and hold it in place. (Except for that unfortunate period when the Baibo and Volga Canals were built.) This creates a freedom far beyond that felt by legs running along the horizon. No one mobilizes you to apply for party membership.No one is forcing you to pay dues to various voluntary groups.There is no union that acts as your "protector" like the officially appointed advocates in special courts.There are also no production meetings.You will not be selected for any position, you will not be appointed as a representative, and more importantly, you will not be forced to be an agitator.What kind of propaganda speeches, you have to shout when someone makes a connection: "We demand!... We will never allow it!...", line up to the election station to vote freely and secretly for the only candidate, etc., All for free.You don't have to put up socialist contest pledges, you don't have to be self-critical, you don't have to write for wall papers, you don't have to answer interviews from state newspaper reporters. Freedom of mind--isn't that the virtue of archipelago life? There is also a freedom: you cannot be robbed of your family and property -- you have been robbed.God cannot take away what is not there.This is the most basic freedom. Incarceration is a good time to think.The slightest reason will drive you to long and serious thinking.In three years, a film was shown in the labor camp, which can be said to be a once-in-a-century event.The movie was the cheapest "sports" comedy called "The Greatest Fighter."boring.But there is a lesson that is tirelessly instilled in the audience on the screen: "It's the result that counts, and the result is that you lose." The screen was laughing.The audience was laughing too.You must still be thinking about that sentence as you squint into the sunlit labor camp compound.Lying on the bunk at night, you will continue to ponder it.I was thinking about it when I went to work on Monday morning.There will be endless time to ponder it in the future.Where else can you use this brain?You gradually understand a truth in your mind: This is not a joke.This is an infectious thought.It has long been instilled in our motherland, and it is still transmitted to it again and again.The concept of the primacy of material results has become so deeply rooted that when figures such as Tukhachevsky, Yagoda, or Zinoviev are declared traitors collaborating with the enemy, the reaction of ordinary people is completely different. It was an ouch of surprise and a unanimous expression of wonder: "What else does he want?" Now that he has food and drink, twenty suits, two villas, cars, planes, fame--what more could he want? !Millions of our overwhelmed fellow citizens cannot conceive of anything but material good that can be the driving force of a human being (I am not referring here to these three exclusively). The mantra "It's the result that counts" has been assimilated and accepted by all to such an extent. Where did it come from? Where did this come from?Go back three hundred years—could there be such a thing in the Russia of the Old Believers? This is handed down from the time of Peter, from the splendor of our flag and the so-called "honor of our fatherland".We oppressed our neighbours, we expanded, and within our own country there was a fixed idea that results mattered. Later came from our Demidovs, Kabanikhs and Tsybukins.They were the ones who climbed up themselves and didn't care whose ears their boots knocked off.As a result, among the once pious and simple people, the concept of "what matters is the result" has been established more firmly. And after that came socialists of all shades, above all from that latest, infallible, intolerant of all doctrine.It's all in one sentence - what counts is the result!The important thing is to form a fighting party!Take power!Stay in power!Eliminate all enemies!Win on steel!Rocket launch! Although for this industry and these rockets must be complete with lifestyle, family.The health of the national spirit and the soul of our country's fields, forests, and rivers will be sacrificed.Fuck it!What matters is the result! ! But this is a lie!We have been bent over the country for many years in All-Soviet hard labor.One year at a time, we climb slowly along the road of understanding life in a spiral. From this height, we clearly see: the important thing is not the result!Not the result - but the spirit!Not what was done - but how it was done.It is not what purpose is achieved, but what cost is spent. The same is true for us prisoners - if the outcome is what matters, then "live at any cost" would be a truth.This means: to be an eyeliner, to sell out a partner for a comfortable position and maybe even an early release.From the point of view of the doctrine of infallibility, there is obviously nothing wrong with this.Because he did so, the result is in our favor, and what matters is the result. Winning a good result is, of course, something to be happy about, and no one will object.But it can't be at the cost of losing the human image. If the result is what matters--you must expend all your energy and ingenuity in avoiding ordinary labour.One must grovel, curry favor, and do mean and nasty things in order to keep his position as a handyman.And by this -- save your life. If substance is what counts—then now is the time to settle for ordinary labor, for rags, for worn hands, for less and worse bread, and perhaps for ... at the time of death.But as long as you live, straighten your aching back with pride.It is only when you are no longer afraid of threats and no longer after rewards that you will become the most dangerous person in the eyes of the headhunters of your masters.For how else could they have restrained you? You start to find it a lot of fun to talk to your labor mates about the influence of cinema on literature while carrying a basket of trash (rocks are another matter!).You start to think it's fun to sit on an empty mortar trough and smoke a cigarette next to a wall you've built.If the foreman passes by, take a look at your joints, look at the baseline and say: "You built it? It's pretty neat." The wall is useless to you, and you don't believe that it can bring a happy future to the people one day, but you poor ragged slave can't help but smile to yourself next to the products you created with your own hands. The anarchist's daughter, Galya Venediktova, works as a nurse in the health department.But she saw that this is not a place to treat people, but a place of comfort for individuals.Stubbornly, she ran to do general labor by herself, and picked up a sledgehammer and a shovel.She said it saved her spiritually. A good person can be healthy by eating rusks, but a bad person can’t do much by eating big fish and meat. (That is true, but what if there is no rusk?  …) As soon as you abandon the goal of "living at any cost" and follow the path of peaceful and simple people, life without freedom will start to change your original character amazingly.Change it in directions you hadn't expected at all. You may think that in this place, what is increasing in people's hearts should be vicious feelings, panic from the enemy, untargeted hatred, agitation, and nervousness, but even you are not aware of it, and you live without freedom. How to nurture in you with the imperceptible passage of time the germs of the exact opposite feelings. You were blunt and impatient, you were often in a hurry, and you were often short of time.Now it's more than adequate for you.You are filled with it, back and forth, as many months as you need, as many years as you need.Your veins are filled with the calming nectar of patience. you are going up... You used to forgive no one, you condemned mercilessly and praised without restraint.Now the gentle attitude of understanding all becomes the basis of your unabsolute views.Now that you know that you are weak, you can also understand the weakness of others.You can be amazed by the power of others, and you also have the desire to learn from him. The stones rustle underfoot, we're going up... The armor of self-control wraps around your heart and the skin of your whole body year after year.You are not in a hurry to ask a question, you are not in a hurry to answer, your tongue loses its elastic ability to make fine tremors, your eyes no longer flash in and out of joy for good news, and are no longer dimmed by pain. Because you still need to verify whether this is true or not.You also need to figure out what is joy and what is pain. Don't be happy when you find something; don't cry when you lose something!Now this becomes your rule of life. Your formerly dry soul has become nourished by suffering.Even if you don't know how to love your neighbor according to Christian teachings, you are learning to love your relatives. Love the spiritual loved ones who surround you in prison life.How many of us will admit that it was in prison that we first learned what true friendship is! Also love your blood relatives who have surrounded you in previous lives.They loved you so much, but you were domineering over them... Reflect on your entire previous life!Think back to all the bad things you have done, shameful things, and think about whether you can correct them now? --this is the sure harvest and never-ending direction of your mind. Yes, you were sent to prison for no reason, and you have no regrets when facing the country and the law. But what about facing your own conscience?What about individual people? …After the operation, I lay in the surgical ward of the camp hospital.I couldn't move at all, I felt hot and afraid of the cold, but my sanity was not blurred.I am grateful to Dr. Boris Nikolayevich Kornfield, who sat by my bed and talked to me all evening.The lights were turned off so as not to irritate my eyes.There was only him and me in the ward, no one else. He told me at length and with fervor the story of his conversion from Judaism to Christianity.His conversion was brought about by a well-bred, good-natured little old man like Platon Karataev in his cell.I marvel at the devotion of his neophytes, the ferocity of his words. We didn't know each other well, and he wasn't in charge of treating me.He just couldn't find anyone to talk to here.He is gentle and courteous.I see no evil in him, and know nothing about him.However, I am wary of one thing. For two months, Kornfeld has imprisoned himself in the workplace, not out of the hospital shed, and avoiding walking in the camp. This means that he is afraid of being slaughtered.This kind of practice has been very popular in our labor camp recently-stabbing the eyeliner with a knife.It works.But who can guarantee that it is only the eyeliner that gets the knife?A convict was murdered, evidently for some mean personal vendetta.So Kornfield imprisoning himself in the hospital does not prove that he is an eyeliner. It is very late.Everyone in the hospital is asleep.Cosfield ends his remarks thus: "You know, generally speaking, I am convinced that any punishment that befalls us in this life is not without cause. It may appear that it befalls us unrelated to the crime we have actually committed. But if your life Examine it carefully, think deeply, and we will always find our sins that hit us today." I can't see his face.The only thing coming in through the windows was the dim light of the camp and the yellow spot on the door from the electric light in the corridor.But such a mystical insight in his voice made me shudder. These are the last words of Boris Kornfield.He walked silently through the corridor of the silent night into an adjacent ward and slept there.所有的人都入睡了，他已经再找不到可以说一句话的人。我自己也入睡了。 早晨，我被走廊上的奔跑和沉重脚步声惊醒：卫生员抬着科恩菲尔德去手术室。他在睡梦中被人用灰泥匠的小锤在颅骨上砸了八锤（我们这里通常利用刚打起床铃、工棚门打开了但人们还没有起床的时机杀人）。他死在手术台上，根本没有醒过来。 科恩菲尔德留在人间最后的话竟成俄语。这些话是对我说的，从而像遗产一样留给了我。这样的遗产并非抖抖肩膀就甩得掉的。 但是此时我自己也成长到了产生类似的思想的水平。 我本来倾向于赋予他的话以生活的普遍规律的意义。可是这样做便会陷入一个难题。这样做你就得承认那些遭到比监禁更残酷的惩罚--被枪毙、被烧死的都该是超级的恶一（而实际上……遭到最凶狠的惩办的正是一些无辜的人。）关于我们的那些明摆着的折磨者又该怎么说？为什么命运不惩罚他们？为什么他们至今还在享福？ （对此唯一的答案只能是：人世生活的意义并不像我们习惯认为的那样在于享福，而在于……灵魂的升华。从这个观点来看，我们的折磨者受到了最可怕不过的刑罚：他们正在变成猪，他们脱离人类而向下坠落。从这个观点来看，今日承受刑罚的，正是有升华的希望者。） 但是科恩菲尔德最后的话中确有一些扣人心弦的东西，对于我自己说来，我是完全接受的。许多人也会接受它们，作为对自己的箴言。 在我被监禁的第七年，我对自己的一生做了足够的回顾和检验。我终于懂得了我为什么会得到了这一切：监狱以及补充监狱之不足的--恶性肿瘤。如果连这样的惩罚都被认为是不够的，我也决不会抱怨。 惩罚吗？但是--谁给的？ 你们想想吧--谁给的？ 我在科恩菲尔德走向死亡之前停留过的那间手术后特别病房里躺了很久，而且一直是一个人。在失眠的夜晚我怀着惊异的心情思索着我的一生和我一生的转折。按照我在劳改营中的惯用办法，我把自己的思想编成押韵的短句以便于记忆。现在最正确的是把一个题在被一场暴动的余波所震撼着的劳改营的医院里的病人的心声，照原样抄录在下面： 究竟在什么时候--我 将善的种子丢弃得不剩一颗？ 毕竟我的少年时代 在你神殿的赞歌中度过。 书中的奥理光辉闪灼， 把我高傲的大脑穿射。 世界的秘密已为我掌握， 人世的命运像蜡似地任我捏塑。 血在沸腾--血波的拍击 在前方闪耀着异彩。 没有轰响，一片死寂， 信仰大厦在我胸中崩坏。 通过有与无之间的山颠， 跌倒，抓紧绝壁的边缘。 回顾往昔的生活， 心头发出感激的震颤。 既非明智屯不是期望， 照亮了它每一个曲折。 那是神意的宁静的光华， 但它事后才让我悟彻。 如今以赐还我的王杯， 自起生命之水， 宇宙的主啊！我又重新信仰！ 我虽曾将你背弃，你却与我同在。 回顾往昔，我看到在我全部有意识的生活中，我既未能理解我自己，也未能理解我的追求。明明是祸，我却长久地认为是福。一向的努力从来是南辕而北辙。但正如海水的来潮把无经验的洗浴者推倒并抛上海岸一样，灾祸的打击也使我浑身痛楚地跌回坚实的地面。只是因为这样我才得以走上了我一直想走的那条道路。 命运只许我用压弯的、几乎要折断的脊背从狱中年代里驮出一条这样的经验；人是怎样变成恶人和怎样变成好人的。在少年得志的迷醉中我曾觉得自己是不会有过失的，因而我残忍。当大权在握时我曾是一名刽子手和压迫者。在我穷凶极恶的时候我确信我在做好事，我有头头是道的理由。只有当我躺在牢狱里霉烂的麦秸上的时候心里才感觉到善的第一次蠕动。我逐渐发现善与恶的界线并不在国家与国家之间、阶级与阶级之间、政党与政党之间，--而是在每一个人的心中穿过，在一切人的心中穿过。这条线在移动，它随着岁月的流逝而摆动；?连被恶占据了的心中也保持着一小块善的阵地。连在最善的心中仍保留着一个……尚未铲除的恶的角落。 自那以后我终于懂得了世间一切宗教的真谛：它们是与存在于（每一个）人内心的恶作斗争的。世界上的恶不可能除尽，但每个人心中的恶却可以束缚。 自那以后我终于懂了历史上一切革命之虚妄：它们只消灭各自时代的恶的体现者（而在匆忙扰乱中也不加分辨地消灭着善的体现者）--至于被更加扩大了的恶的本身，它们却当做遗产继承下来。 纽伦堡审判应当归入二十世纪的荣耀：它杀的是恶的思想，而对感染上这个思想的人劫杀得很有限。（当然这不是斯大林的功劳，照他的意思恐怕应当少讲点道理，多砍点人头？）如果到了二十一世纪人类还没有炸烂了自己和窒息了自己，或许这个趋向终能取得胜利？ 而如果它不能取胜的话，那么整个人类历史都将是空虚的原地踏步，没有丝毫的意义！如果这样的话，我们现在正朝哪里运动？为什么要运动？用棍棒打敌人--这是穴居野人也会做的事。 "认识你自己！"对自身的罪过、失算和错误进行触及痛处的思索最能促进我们谅解一切的觉悟。在这样的思索中绕过了几个艰难的、需要走许多年的圈子之后，每当别人对我说起我国大官们的冷酷、我国刽子手们的残忍，我总回想带着大尉肩章的我，回想我的炮兵连在战火纷飞的东普鲁士土地上的进军。于是我说： "难道我们--比他们好吗？" 当别人在我面前怨恨西方松松垮垮、缺乏政治远见、四分五裂和张是失措的时候，我也总是提醒： "我们在没有经历过群岛以前，难道比他们坚定些吗？思想上强硬些吗？" 因此当我回顾自己被监禁的年代时，有时会说出一句令周围的人吃惊的话： --祝福你，监狱！ 列夫?托尔斯泰曾梦想被投入监狱，他是对的。这位巨人从某一时刻起开始涸竭了。他真的需要监狱，正像干旱需要一场暴雨！ 所有描写监狱，但本人没有在那里蹲过的作家都认为自己的任务是对囚犯表同情和诅咒监狱。我……在那里蹲过足够长的时间，我在那里培育过自己的灵魂，我却要毫不犹豫地说： --祝福你，监狱！感谢你进入了我的生活！ （然而从坟墓中传来了对我的回答：你说这话倒是不错，因为你是从那里活着出来的！）