Chapter 17 Bouquet for Algernon - Nightmare

Bouquet for Algernon - Nightmare I felt embarrassed and incomprehensible at her refusal. I retreated to the corner of the seat and sulked, staring at the scenery outside the car window.I have never hated anyone before, but now I hate her easy rejection mixed with maternal care. I really want to slap her hard, make her crawl on the ground, and then hug her tightly and kiss her passionately. "Charlie, I'm sorry if I've upset you." "Stop talking." "But you have to understand what's going on." "I understand," I replied flatly, "but I don't want to mention it anymore."

By the time the taxi pulled up to her apartment on Seventy-seventh Street, I was in a deep depression. "You see, it's all my fault," she said, "I shouldn't have come out with you tonight at all." "Yeah, it's been proven just now." "What I mean is that we shouldn't be sentimental. . . things. There's still a lot to do. I shouldn't be interfering in your life at this time." "That's what I should be worried about, isn't it?" "Isn't it? It's not just about you, Charlie. You have a responsibility, not only to Professor Nemur and Dr. Strauss, but also to the thousands of people who may follow in your footsteps in the future." Responsible."

The more she said that, the worse my mood became.Because that not only showed my clumsiness and ignorance, but it also seemed to say that I was just a reckless teenager in her mind, and she could easily deal with me. In front of her apartment door, she turned and smiled at me.For a moment I thought she would invite me in, but she didn't, and just whispered to me, "Good night, Charlie. Had a great evening, thank you." I'd love to kiss her good night, but I'm afraid she might get defensive.I remember what I saw in novels and movies where boys take the initiative first, so last night I planned to kiss her tonight, but now I am a little hesitant, worried that she will reject me.

I leaned forward and pressed her shoulders, and she quickly backed away from me, took my hand and said, "We'd better say good night like this, Charlie. Let's not get personal, it's not time yet. " Before I could ask her what "not yet time" is, she had already jumped in and gently said, "Good night, Charlie, and thank you for spending a good night with me." Then closed the door. At that moment, all my anger welled up, not only at her, but at myself and the world.But when I got home, I realized what she meant.Until now, I don't know whether she really cares about me, or just out of good intentions.Why can she read my mind?Also, to my embarrassment, this has never happened to me before.How can I learn to be close to a person?How should a man approach a woman?None of this is taught in the book.But I think next time I'll kiss her goodnight.

What bothers me about "May 3rd" now is that I don't know when the memories of the past will appear in my mind, and whether it is really what happened, or a similar situation, or just a story I imagined .Now, it's like I've just woken up from a dream I've slept in for the better part of my life, trying to figure out what it was like, and it's all weird, all in slow motion and blurry. Last night, I had a nightmare and woke up with something in mind. The beginning of the dream was like this: I was running along the hallway, most of my eyes were covered by the rolled up dust.Sometimes running backwards and sometimes forwards, I feel like a ship in a big wave, ups and downs up and down.In the dream I was terrified because someone wanted something in my pocket that I didn't know where it came from.

Later, the wall collapsed, and out of nowhere a red-haired girl reached out to me.Her face is like a white mask.She took me in her arms, kissed me, caressed me.I wanted to hug her too, but cringed in fear.The more she touches me, the more scared I become, because I know it's not okay to touch girls.She squirmed against me, and I felt the heat rising inside me, and I felt thumping.However, when I looked up, I found that she was holding a blood-stained sharp knife in her hand. I fled, trying to scream for help, but no sound came out of my throat, and the contents of my pockets were gone.I reached into my pockets and looked around but couldn't figure out what it was and why it was there.And now it's gone, and my hands are covered in blood.

When I woke up, I thought of Alice, and also remembered that I had experienced the same fear as in the dream.What am I afraid of?It must have something to do with the knife, right? I got up and made myself a cup of coffee and sat down to smoke and think about it all.I had never had a dream like this before, but knowing it must have something to do with Alice going out to dinner and a movie, I began to see Alice in a different light.It is a bit difficult to find the clues behind this dream by free association, because it is very difficult not to control the direction of my thinking now... Open the heart and let things flow freely... the thoughts will be like bubbles Floating up...a ​​woman in the shower...a girl...Norma taking a shower...I peered through the keyhole...she came out of the tub to wipe her body and I noticed her body was different from mine.Some things just don't fit together.

Running along the corridor...someone was chasing me...not a person...it was a leaping kitchen knife...I was so scared that I cried out, but the voice was hoarse because my neck was cut off and my body was bleed. "Mom, Charlie is watching me take a shower..." Why is she different from me?How could this be? ...blood...bleeding...a big square black hole... Three blind mice... three blind mice, run stumbling, stumbling, Still chasing after the farmer's wife, Finally, she cut off the tail with a sharp knife, This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience, Three... blind... mice? Early in the morning, while everyone was still asleep, Charlie got up alone in the kitchen playing with fishing bait.Crouching down, his shirt burst open, a button fell off, rolled over a kaleidoscope-patterned kitchen rag, and fell into the bathroom.He ran after it, but lost track of it.Where did the button go?He went into the bathroom to look for it.There was a cupboard with a clothes basket in it, and he liked to rummage through everything in the clothes basket. There were clothes for Papa, Mama, and Norma.He picked them up and wore them all, pretending to be Norma.Once, his mother caught him doing this and beat him up.In the basket he finds a piece of Norma's underwear with dried blood on it.He didn't know how Norma could be like this, he was terrified, afraid that the person who made her bleed would come back to trouble him...

Why is this childhood memory so vivid?Scaring me now?Did it have to do with how I felt about Alice? Looking back on this incident now, I can already understand why my family asked me to avoid women.It's not right for me to express my feelings to Alice, I can't think of women in that way yet - not yet. But even as I write this, the inner voice of my heart keeps clamoring for more.I'm a mortal, a living being even before the knife.I have to love someone.