Chapter 18 Chapter Thirteen Girl-1

Chapter Thirteen The Girl Although the little girl experienced bullying and deprivation of initiative throughout childhood, she still considered herself to be an autonomous person.In her relationships with family and friends, in her homework and games, she still seems to be a transcendent being: her passive future is just a dream.With the onset of puberty, this future not only looms but takes root in her body, revealing its most concrete reality.It retains the destiny-defining quality it has always had.Boys who have entered adolescence are active in their adulthood, while girls are waiting for the arrival of this new and unpredictable era.From now on, its plot will be programmed, and time will hold her to it.She was already saying goodbye to her childhood past; now, it seemed, it was just a transition period.It doesn't have any tangible goals, it's just a waste of time.Her youth, more or less concealed, wasted in waiting.She is waiting for a man.

Boys who have entered puberty undoubtedly dream of a woman and desire her too.However, she is only a part of his life, and does not summarize his fate.But the girl, from childhood, depends on the man whether she wants to stay within the bounds of femininity or whether she wants to go beyond it, to achieve or to get rid of it.He had the radiant features of Perseus or St. George; he was the liberator; he was rich and powerful, and held the key to happiness; he was the charming prince.The girl thought that under his caresses she would feel swept up in the great current of life, as she felt in her mother's arms.

Yielding to his tender authority, she would rediscover the security of her father's arms: the magic of the embrace and the gaze would once again make her a puppet.She has always acknowledged male superiority.This male prestige is not an illusion of the child, but has its economic and social basis.Men are undoubtedly the masters of the world.Everything around tells the girl that it is in her best interest to become their servant: her parents encourage her; her father takes pride in her daughter's success, and her mother sees a bright future in it; Friends are jealous and envious that she gets the most attention from men.In American universities, a girl's social status is measured by the number of times she "dates."

Marriage is not only an honorable enterprise, but it is also less wearisome than many others: it is the only one that allows a woman both the integrity of her social dignity and her sexual fulfillment as lover and mother.This is how people around her envision her future, and it is also her own vision.It was unanimously agreed that finding a husband, or sometimes a "protector," was her most important task.For her, man is the embodiment of the Other, just as she is for him.But she feels that this other is at the level of the primary, and she sees herself as the secondary compared to him.She will get rid of the reformatory family and her mother's control; she will create her own future; but instead of actively conquering, she will raise her hands and surrender, so that she will be passive and docile at the disposal of her new master.

It is often asserted that if she is resigned to this obedience, it means that she is physically and mentally inferior to boys, and incapable of competing with them: once she gives up hopeless competition, she will put The task of securing her happiness is left to a member of the superior class.But the truth is that her attitude of resignation does not come from any inherent inferiority, on the contrary, this inferiority has caused all her defects; the source of this attitude of resignation lies in the past of the adolescent girl, in the society, especially in the future assigned to her. Indeed, puberty changes the teenage girl's body, making it more vulnerable than before.When female organs are functioning, they are vulnerable and delicate.Her strange, obnoxious breasts were a burden, and the painful quivering during strenuous exercise reminded her of their existence.In the future, her physical strength, endurance and agility will not be as good as men.Her hormonal imbalance will cause nervous and vasomotor instability.Menstruation is painful: headache, fatigue, and abdominal pain that make normal activities distressing or impossible; psychological disturbances are often present; a woman may briefly slip into a semi-lunatic state due to nervousness and restlessness;

The nerve center lost control of the peripheral nerves and the sympathetic nervous system; blood circulation disorder and some self-poisoning made the body seem like a veil between the woman and the world, and the heat from the flame enveloped her, making her feel Suffocation and isolation. Through the experience of this painful and passive body, the whole universe seems like a heavy burden to bear.The burden of excess overwhelmed her beyond recognition, for she became a stranger to the rest of the world.The whole is broken, the sequence of time is disjointed, and others are only half-heartedly acknowledged.If the reasoning and logical faculties are still sound, they are employed, as in melancholic patients, to express the unstable emotions caused by the disordered state of the organism.These facts are very important, but how important they are depends on the woman's attitude towards them.

Around the age of 13, boys experience a real violent probation, their aggression grows into their will to power and penchant for competition.And just then the girl gave up her rough play.She can still take part in sports, but sports have specialization and subservience to artificial rules and have nothing in common with free and customary appeals to force. It is a fringe part of life, not a free fight, a whim climb, that directly informs the world and the self.Female athletes will never understand the conqueror's pride with which boys pin their opponent's shoulders to the ground.Moreover, in many countries, most girls are not encouraged to play sports.Since wrestling and climbing are not allowed, their bodies can only bear things passively.More surely than when they were children, they must give up the idea of ​​breaking free from established constraints and getting ahead: they are not allowed to explore, take risks, and expand the realm of possibility.In particular, the competitive attitude, which is so important to young men, is hardly known to them.Women, of course, compare among themselves, but competition, challenge, is quite different from this passive comparison: two free men confront each other in order to expand their dominion over the world; A bent arm usually indicates a person's sovereignty over the world.This type of bossy behavior isn't right for girls, especially when it involves violence.

In the adult world, no doubt, violence plays little role in normal times, but it still haunts that world.Much male behavior stems from underlying violence: there may be quarrels in the streets and alleys, and these quarrels will slowly die down.But for a man, rolling his fists to feel his willingness to affirm himself reassures him of his sovereignty.Faced with any insult, any attempt to reduce him to the status of an object, the male resorts to the fist, thereby exposing himself to the danger of being beaten: He does not allow himself to be surpassed by others, he himself is at the center of his subjectivity.Violence is the real proof that each man is true to himself, to his passion and to his will.To completely negate this will is to give up objective truth and to enclose oneself with abstract subjectivity.Anger and resistance without the use of force are a fiction of the imagination.And not being able to express your emotions before the world is a serious setback.

In the American South, it was impossible for blacks to use violence against whites.This law is the key to solving the mystery of "black soul".The way the black man feels about the white world, the behaviors by which he adjusts himself to it, the compensation he seeks, the whole way he feels and acts, is to be explained in terms of punishing his passivity.Those who, during the occupation of France, refrained from using violence even in their anger against the occupying forces (whether out of selfish prudence or because they had urgent work to do), found their place in the world to be at risk. Great change: Others can decide at will whether to make them objects or not; their subjectivity no longer has a concrete means of expression, it is only a secondary phenomenon.

Likewise, the world looks differently to the adolescent boy who can urge attention to his presence than to the adolescent girl whose perception of her has had an immediate effect.One is a constant questioning of the world; at any time and against anything he can rebel; and so he feels that in accepting it he is actively acknowledging it.The other was obedient; explaining that the world had nothing to do with her, and that, so far as she cared, the world was forever the same.Lack of physical strength leads to a more general cowardice: she does not believe that her body has powers she has not experienced; s position.She believes that the status quo of things is fixed.

A woman told me that when she was young she knew her own physical weakness, but she always denied it firmly; because if she admitted it, she would lose the enthusiasm and courage to do any work in the intellectual and political fields.I knew a teenage girl who had been brought up boyishly to be so energetic that she thought she was as strong as a man; and though she was beautiful and tormented by the cyclical pains of menstruation, she was completely unaware of her femininity ;She has the bold character, exuberant vitality and active spirit of a boy; she is also as reckless as a boy, if she encounters a child or a woman being bullied on the road, she will not hesitate to intervene with her fist.However, one or two unpleasant experiences made it clear to her that when it came to violence the male had the upper hand.When she begins to realize how weak she really is, her self-confidence is shattered; so she begins to evolve toward femininity, passivity, and acceptance of attachment.Not having confidence in your body is tantamount to losing confidence.One has only to look at the importance young men place on their physical strength to realize that each subject sees his body as an objective representation of himself. The young man's sexual drive only confirms his pride in his body: he sees in it symptoms of his own transcendence and power.A girl may accept the fact that she has desire with no problem, but usually it still has an element of shame.Her whole body was the root cause of her embarrassment.The suspicion she had felt "inside" as a child would contribute to a suspicious quality of menstrual crises that she repelled.It was because of the state of mind that menstruation had put on her that it was such a huge hindrance.The threat the girl feels at certain times may be so intolerable that she forgoes outings and other amusements, lest her shame be known.The fear thus aroused had its effect on the whole structure of her organism, increasing its confusion and pain.We have already mentioned that one of the characteristics of the female psyche is that the secretion of the endocrine fluid is closely related to the regulation of the nerves: there is a reciprocal interaction between them.That is to say, the woman's body, especially the girl's body, is a "hysterical" body in the sense that there is little distance between psychic life and physical realization.The disturbances of puberty are exacerbated by disturbed moods, and this clarity is caused by the girl's discovery of these disturbances.Because she found her body suspicious, because she treated it with horror, it seemed to her sick: it was sick.We have seen that this body is actually delicate, and that organic disturbances do occur within it.But gynecologists agree that nine out of ten of their patients are presumed to be ill; Caused by: It is a mental illness.To a large extent, it is the anxiety of being a woman that wrecks the female body. Obviously, if a woman's biological condition is indeed an obstacle, it is due to her general situation.So long as the neurological and vasomotor instability is not pathological, it will not prevent her from pursuing any profession: there are also various temperaments among men.One or two days of discomfort per month, although uncomfortable, is not a hindrance; indeed, many women have an adjustment problem with it, especially athletes, travelers, dancers and women who do heavy labor. This monthly "disaster" is likely to bring great trouble.Most occupations require physical strength that is beyond the reach of women.In sports, however, the desired end is not success independent of physical condition, but perfection within the limits of each body type: a lightweight boxing champion is no different than a heavyweight boxing champion; No less than the faster male ski champions: they belong to two different classes.When compared with men, it is precisely the female athletes who are passionate about their sport and feel that they have very little handicap.It is true that woman's physical weakness does not allow her to engage in violent training; but this deficiency is easily compensated if she can express herself with her body, and face the world in some other way.Let her swim, climb mountains, fly airplanes, fight storms, take risks, explore, and she won't feel that timidity before the world that I mentioned.It is in the general situation in which she has no outlet that her traits—not directly, but through the confirmation of a childhood inferiority complex—take on their importance. Moreover, this complex will seriously affect her intelligence level.It is often said that after puberty the girl falls behind in intellectual and artistic fields.There are many reasons for this.The most common reason for this is that a girl entering puberty doesn't get the same encouragement as her brother - quite the opposite.She is expected to remain a woman, so she has to fulfill, in addition to the obligations of vocational study, those contained in her feminine function.A female principal of a vocational school expressed her views on this issue as follows: The teenage girl suddenly becomes a person who works for a living.She developed new desires that were no longer related to family.She often has to work pretty hard...she comes home at night exhausted and full of what happened during the day...and how is she treated at home?Mother called her as usual, leaving some housework for her to do, and she also had to pack her own clothes.It was impossible to be completely free from the secret thoughts which had been haunting her.Comparing her situation with that of her brother, who had no obligations at home, she felt miserable and rebelled. The domestic chores and the common dull work that the mother unhesitatingly burdens the schoolgirls, apprentices, eventually overworks them.During the war, in Sèvres, I saw students in my class overwhelmed by the burden of domestic work beyond their studies: one had tuberculosis of the spine, the other meningitis.As we shall see, the mother was secretly hostile to her daughter's emancipation, more or less deliberately bullying her.But the boy's efforts to become a man are respected and he enjoys many freedoms.The girl had to stay at home, her whereabouts were watched: she was never encouraged to have fun on her own.We seldom see women organizing their own excursions or trips, whether on foot or by bike; It is not only women's education that makes them less active, but custom that makes them less independent.If they were walking down the street, they would be watched, and people would come up to them.I know only a few girls who are not timid, but they find no joy in walking alone in the streets of Paris, because they are harassed and have to be on their toes all the time, so they find it boring.If female students walk through the streets in groups laughing like boys, they will make a big fool of themselves; walking with big strides, singing ditties, talking loudly, or laughing, or eating apples, will irritate people.Female students who do this are insulted, followed or approached.Unbridled joy is itself indiscretion.The second-nature self-control imposed on a woman and made into a "brought-up" maiden kills her natural instincts, suppresses her exuberant vitality, and results in tension, boredom. The boredom is contagious: the teenage girls quickly tire of each other.They are imprisoned in their own cages, and it is impossible for them to unite for the common good.This is one of the reasons why they cannot do without the company of boys.This incapacity for self-satisfaction led to cowardice throughout their lives and even in their work.They believe that only men can achieve significant success; they are afraid to aim too high.We have seen fourteen-year-old girls, when comparing themselves with boys, declare that "boys are better off."This conviction of one's own weakness leads to laziness and mediocrity.A maiden who has no special respect for a man scolds a man for his cowardice.When people said she was a coward herself, she would triumphantly declare: "Oh, I'm a woman, that's different!" The root cause of this defeatism is that the adolescent girl does not think she is responsible for her own future. She sees no need to make many demands on herself, since her fate will ultimately not depend on her own efforts.She does not give herself to man because she recognizes her inferiority, but because she has given herself to him in this way, she accepts the idea that she is inferior and establishes the concept of this inferiority. truth. And, in fact, her value in the eyes of men is not gained by increasing her importance as a person, but rather by shaping herself according to the man's dream.She was not always aware of this in her inexperience.She may be as aggressive as the boys, and may try to conquer them with a brute authority, with a self-satisfied frankness.But that attitude almost certainly doomed her.All girls, from the most obscene to the most aloof, sooner or later learn that in order to be liked they have to give up their rights.Their mothers told them to stop treating boys as companions, to stop being courteous, and to play a passive role.If they want to strike up a friendship or start a flirt, they have to be careful not to appear aggressive.Men don't like garCOnsmanques [boyish girls], female scholars, or smart women; too much guts, too much culture or knowledge, too much personality, will scare them away.As George Eliot noted, in many novels the stupid fair-blonde heroine ends up defeating the more masculine brunette.In The Mill on the Floss, Maggie tries in vain to reverse the roles, but she dies and it is the blonde Lucy who marries Stephen.In The Last of the Mohicans, it is the bland Alice, not the brave Clara, who wins the love of the hero.In system. In "Little Women," the lovely Jo is just Lori's childhood friend: he leaves his love for the lifeless Amy and her beautiful curls. To be feminine is to appear weak, useless, and docile.She should not only be groomed and ready, but her naturalness should be subdued, and replaced by the affected elegance and delicacy taught by her elders.Any self-expression will diminish her femininity and charm.Since there is no contradiction between the mission of being a man and the mission of being a man, the life course of a young man is relatively easy to complete.This superiority manifests itself even in childhood.Through self-expression in terms of independence and freedom, he acquires social value and at the same time his masculine prestige: he is, like Balzac's Rastiti, an ambitious man, rich, famous, and womanly. The cause he wants to pursue; one of the role models that motivates him to pursue it is a powerful and famous man who is admired by women. In the case of the young woman, however, there is a contradiction between her status as a real human being and her vocation as a woman.The reason why adolescence is such a difficult and critical time for women can only be found here. Hitherto she had been an autonomous being: now she had to relinquish her sovereignty.Not only is she split between past and future like her brother (but more painfully), but she is also divided between her inherent need to be an active, free subject, her sexual drive and the society that forces her to recognize herself as a passive object. Between the pressure, a conflict was triggered.Her natural tendency is to see herself as the primary: how could she resolve to become a secondary?But how can I give up my ego if I can only fulfill my destiny as the Other?This is the painful dilemma that being a woman has to wrestle with. She oscillates between desire and loathing, hope and fear, she lowers her demands, she vacillates between independent childhood and submissive womanhood.It is this kind of impermanence that made her taste the bitterness of the green fruit when she left the immature adolescence. According to early tendencies, the girl's response to this situation is capricious.This "little mother", the future housewife, can easily let her changes go her own way.But as the "little mother," she may already have a taste for authority that leads her to rebel against the masculine bondage: she is ready to establish a matriarchy only in order not to become an object of sexual desire and a servant. This often happens to older sisters who take on heavy responsibilities at a very young age. A garconmanque [boyish girl] sometimes feels a strong sense of being cheated upon discovering that she is a woman, which can lead directly to homosexuality.What she seeks in independence and violence, however, is the possession of the world: she cannot generally wish to relinquish her experience of female power and motherhood, the whole domain of her destiny.Often, despite some resistance, the girl accepts her femininity; she already knows the magic of passivity in her coquettish childhood, with her father and in her sexual fantasies; she sees it Her strength, but her vanity was immediately mixed with the shame caused by her flesh.That hand, that countenance that agitated her was a summons and a prayer; her body seemed endowed with incredible virtues; it was wealth, it was a weapon, and she was proud of it.Her delicacy, which had often been lost in an unrestrained childhood, reappeared now.She tries on all kinds of cosmetics, tries on various hairstyles; she no longer conceals her breasts, but massages them to make them plump; she looks at her smile in the mirror. Sensuality is so closely connected with seduction that in all instances where sexual sensibility is not aroused, the subjects we observe have no desire to please.Experiments have shown that people with thyroid problems (thus sluggish and difficult to deal with) can be changed by injections of glandular fluid: they begin to smile, become jovial, and very ostentatious.Psychologists influenced by materialist philosophy have recklessly declared that acting like a baby is an "instinct" secreted by the thyroid gland.But this dubious explanation is no more tenable at this period than in early childhood.The fact is that in all cases of organic defects, such as anemia, the body becomes a burden.A hostile, unfamiliar body that neither wishes nor promises anything.Once it has regained its balance and vitality, the subject immediately recognizes it as his own and, through it, seeks to transcend others. For a young girl, so-called sexual transcendence means becoming a prey in order to achieve her goals.She becomes an object, she sees herself as an object.She was astonished to discover this new form of her own existence: she felt as if she had become a double being, no longer completely identical to herself, but from now on existing outside of herself.Thus, in Rosamund Lehman's "Waltz Please", we see that Olivia finds a stranger in the mirror: it is her as an object who suddenly faces herself.This evokes a momentary but bewildered feeling: Now, whenever I look in the mirror, I get a strange feeling: An erratic, seldom-appearing stranger might emerge: a new self. It happened two or three times...she looked at herself in the mirror... Ah, who could this be? ...but it's someone else.It was a mysterious face, both sad and radiant: the hair was thrown back in a disheveled mess, as if blown by the wind.Is it made of the coat?Her body seemed to be harmoniously assembled, both compact and stretched, both still and flowing, full of vitality.This is a portrait of a young girl with youthful beauty.Everything reflected in the room seemed to set off her, describe her, and whispered: This is you... To Olivia's dismay, she thought she could count on that reflection to both recognize her childhood dream and be herself at the same time.Yet the maiden also loves this body, which is actually flesh, and it fascinates her as much as anyone else's. She stroked herself, kissed her round shoulders, her elbows, looked at her breasts, her thighs.Self-pleasure becomes an excuse for daydreaming in which she seeks affectionate possession of herself.During adolescence there is an opposition between self-love and the sexual drive which makes her a possessed object: her narcissism usually disappears at sexual maturity.Unlike woman, who is a passive object both to her lover and to herself, there is a fundamental confusion in the sexual drive of the girl.In complex impulses, she yearns for the admiration of her body through allegiance to the male who is destined to possess it.It would be an oversimplification to say that she wants to be beautiful in order to be attractive, or that she seeks to be attractive in order to be sure of her beauty: in her solitary boudoir, in her drawing room where she wants to be the limelight, she cannot tell the difference. Know which is the desire for men and which is her love for herself.This confusion also manifested itself in Mary Bashkirchev.We have seen that due to her late weaning, she wants to be valued and judged more than other children; Own hands, face, and grace."I am my heroine," she wrote. She wants to be a singing star so that the ecstatic audience will stare at her so that she can glance at them proudly in reply; however, this autism is expressed through romantic dreams.She has been in love since she was twelve: that is to say, she wishes to be loved, and in the admiration she wishes to arouse she seeks only the confirmation of her own love.She loves Duke H, but has never spoken to him. She dreams of him prostrating at her feet: "You will be dazzled by my brilliance, and you will love me... You are the only woman I wish to be." .” In Natasha’s body, we also found this ambivalence: That morning, she was back in her favorite state of mind—self-love and self-joy. "How charming Natasha is!" she added, as if speaking from a group of men around her. "Beautiful, sweet-sounding, young; she won't get in anyone's way as long as she's left alone." Katherine Mansfield, in The Prelude, also describes the complete confounding of narcissism with a romantic desire for a woman's destiny: In the dining room, by the flickering fire, Beryl sat on a cushion and played the guitar... half of her playing and singing was for herself, because she was paying attention to her own playing and singing.The firelight reflected on her shoes, on the red guitar case, and on her white fingers... "If I look out of the window and see myself, I'll be overwhelmed," she thought.She played the accompaniment softer—she's not singing now, she's just listening. ..." The first time I looked at you for a long time, little girl—ah, you must have thought you were alone, sitting on the cushion with your little feet, playing the guitar. God, I never will forget"... Beryl suddenly raised her head and began to sing again: Even the moon is tired... But then there was a loud knock on the door.The maid's bright red face poked in...but no, she couldn't stand the stupid girl.She ran into the dark drawing room and began pacing up and down... Oh, how agitated she was, how agitated!There is a mirror over the fireplace.She propped herself up on her arms, looking at the faint shadow inside, how beautiful she looked, but unfortunately no one saw it, no one... Beryl smiled, and her smile was so endearing that she smiled again... This self-worship of the young girl is not only manifested as admiration for her natural appearance, but she also wishes to possess and be loyal to her whole self.That was the purpose of those private diaries in which she could freely pour out her feelings.The diary of Mary Bashkirchev is well known and can be regarded as a model of the genre.The girl was talking to her little notebook as she used to talk to the doll.It is a friend, a confidant; she asks it questions as if it were a person.Page after page, I wrote down the truth that I couldn't tell my relatives, my companions and teachers, and the author's heartfelt joy in loneliness. There is a little girl who started to keep a diary when she was 12 years old and kept writing until she was 20 years old. She wrote the following inscriptions on the title page: I am your little note, cute and beautiful, and never tell me what's on your mind .This sense of secrecy in girls, which begins before puberty, must now be intensified.She sealed herself up like an iron barrel, unwilling to let people around her know her deeply hidden self.She thought that self was her real self, but in fact it was an imagined character.She may have posed as a dancer, like Tolstoy's Natasha, or a saint, like Marie Renéru, or that stunning figure might have been herself.There is always a world of difference between this heroine and the objective person she is known to her relatives and friends.She also admits that she is not understood, and at this time her relationship with herself is even more intense: she revels in her isolation, feels that she is different, superior, and special; she promises herself that the future will definitely treat her now. revenge for the mediocrity of life.She escaped this narrow and worthless life by dreams; she had always loved dreams, and now more than ever she was addicted to this tendency.She disguised the world that threatened her with poetic platitudes; she dedicated the moon's light, pink clouds, and soft nights to men; she built her body a temple of marble, jasper, and mother-of-pearl ; she told herself silly fairy tales.The reason she has repeatedly fallen into this stupid situation is that she has no power over the world.If she felt it was time to act, she would have seen this clearly; but she was more likely to wait in confusion.Young men are also dreaming: especially of the adventures of the active roles they play.Girls prefer the unthinkable to adventure.It is evident to her that things and people are unpredictable and magical.Magic involves the idea of ​​passive power.The adolescent girl is doomed to be passive, yet she desires power, so she must believe that her body is magical enough to hold men under her control, and that her whole destiny is magical enough to realize herself without doing anything. desire.As for the real world, she wanted to forget about it. “When I was in school, my mind sometimes wandered in class, thinking about things…” wrote a teenage girl. "I fell into such pleasant whims that I lost all sense of reality. I sat in my seat, and when I awoke, I was surprised to find myself in the classroom." “和写诗相比，我更喜欢胡思乱想，”另一位少女承认说，“我喜欢一边凝望着星空下的群山，一边瞎编没头没尾的美妙故事或构思着传奇。这是一件十分愉快的事，因为它比较股俄，给人以一种宁静、心旷神怡的感觉。” 做白日梦可能会变成一种病态，并且可能会困扰人的一生，如下面的例子就是这样： 玛丽·B·是一个喜欢幻想的聪明孩子，在14岁进入青春期时，出现了狂妄症心理危机。她自称是西班牙女王，摆出一副高傲的架势，唱着歌，发号施令。两年来，每次来月经，这种事就要重复一次。后来的8年，她过着一种正常的生活，但仍好幻想，并且抱怨自己的社会地位。将近23岁时，她的病情加重了，在医院住了一段时间。 出院后，她在家躺了3年，脾气乖戾、懒惰，成了家里的负担。她又被送进医院，这次是永久性的。她对生活毫无兴趣，但每隔一段时间（月经期？）她就会下床来，披着衣服，一副盛气凌人的样子。而且她冲着医生微笑，常常表现出某种性冲动。她在自己的梦想世界陷得更深，她衣冠不整，常常裸体。然而却佩戴着古怪的饰物，如用锡纸做的王冠和用缎带做的手钢等。有时她对自己的情况，也能作出清醒的评论，说自己像个孩子似的和布娃娃一起玩并打扮自己，仿佛生活在梦中，是个幻想世界中的演员。她说，她好像在过好几种生活，而且无论哪一种生活她都是主角。她在自己的大房子里举行聚会。她生活在穴居人时代，有数不清的同床伙伴。她也曾有过朋友，那就是花儿、香水和貂皮。它们送给她丰盛的礼物。“当我赤裸在被窝里时，总是想起往日的时光。”她羡慕镜子里的自己。她想成为什么人就成为什么人，她是白痴，在吸毒，有情人。她说，她是一位医生的情妇。她说她有几个年幼的孩子。她说，其中一个孩子在旅行，他的父亲是一个非常潇洒的男人。她有许多这样的故事要讲，每一个都是她在幻想中所过的虚构生活。 我们可以看到，这种做白日梦的病态，是自认为生命功能不健全因而害怕面对生存现实的少女对自恋的一种满足。玛丽·B·只不过是把许多青春期女孩子常有的一种补偿过程，推向了极端。 然而对少女来说，这种单独进行的自我崇拜是不够的。为了实现，她还需要别人意识到的她的存在，于是她经常向伙伴们寻求帮助和慰藉。当她比较年幼时，她最要好的朋友支持她逃出母性圈子，去探索世界——特别是性的世界。这样，进入青春期少女的朋友，既是使她超出自我范围的客体，又是将那自我还给她的证人。有些女孩子还相互展示自己的裸体，比较她们的乳房：也许我们还记得《穿制服的少女》中，描写寄宿学校女生大胆取乐时的情景；她们的相互抚摸甚至具有全面性或准确性。如柯莱特在《学校里的克洛迪娜》当中所指出的，以及罗莎蒙德·雷曼在《含糊的回答》当中所含蓄指出的，几乎所有的少女都有同性恋倾向，而这一倾向与自恋爱好几乎无法区别：每一个人都渴望在他人身上，体验一下自己皮肤的柔润、自己体型的曲线美；反之，在她的自恋中也蕴含着对一般女性气质的崇拜。在性的意义上，男人是主体，所以在正常情况下，男人们被驱使他们接近有别于自己的客体的欲望，搞得相互分离。然而女人是欲望的绝对客体，这就是在中学、大学和艺术家工作室当中盛行那么多“特殊友谊”的原因。它们有些是纯柏拉图式的，有些则明显是肉欲的。在前者，它尤其是一个相互打开心扉、互谈心事的问题；而最诚挚的信任的证据，就是让所选定的朋友去看自己的私人日记。女朋友们之间不进行性拥抱，而是相互表白极端忠诚，并常以委婉方式互赠她们感情的信物。所以，娜塔莎用烧红的铁尺烫伤自己的胳膊，以证明她对索尼娜的爱。特别是她们相互起了许多可爱的名字，还写了热情洋溢的书信。例如，下面就是年轻的新英格兰清教徒艾米莉·迪金森写给她其中的一位朋友，一位年轻的已婚女人的话： 今天一整天我都在想你，昨夜我梦见你了……我和你一起在一个极其美妙的花园里散步，我帮你采——玫瑰，尽管我们采呀采呀，可篮子里总是装不满。于是我整天都在祈祷能和你一起散步，再去采些玫瑰花。夜幕降临，我感到很愉快。我不耐烦地盘算着时间，等待着深夜的来临，期待着再梦见你和玫瑰，还有那永远也装不满的篮子。 蒙杜瑟在他著名的《青春期的情感》里，引用了许多类似的信： 亲爱的苏珊……我真想在这里抄几节雅歌：你有多么美啊，我亲爱的，你是多么美啊！像那神秘的新娘，你是我的夏龙玫瑰、幽谷中的百合；和她一样，你在我心中胜过任何普通的女孩子：你是一种象征，象征着美好崇高事物的精华……所以，纯洁的苏珊啊，我以一种纯洁、无私、含有宗教意味的爱，深深地爱着你。 蒙杜瑟列举的另一个女孩子，在日记里袒露了某种不那么高尚的情感： 我的腰被那只雪白的小手压着，我的手在她圆肩膀上搭着，我的胳膊靠在她裸露着的温暖胳膊上。就在这时，我紧紧靠着她的酥胸，眼前就是她漂亮的小嘴，它双唇启开，露出了贝齿……我发抖了，感到脸上在发烧。 埃瓦夫人在她的中，也收集了许多这种不正当心情的发泄： 致我心爱的仙女，我最亲爱的爱人，我美丽的仙女。what!说你仍然在爱我，说我永远是你的最忠诚的朋友吧。我好悲伤，我是多么地爱你，哦，我的L——我的爱说不出，道不尽，没有任何文字可以形容。只说我崇拜你，实在太不足以表达我的感情了。 有时仿佛我的心都进裂了。被你爱真是太美了，我简直不能相信。啊，我的宝贝，告诉我，你会长久地爱我吗？ 从这种崇高的感情跌落到少女有罪的私通，是一件很容易的事。有时，两个朋友中的一个支配另一个，像虐待狂似的施展着自己的力量。但这种事经常是相互的，没有屈辱，也没有斗争。给予快感和得到快感，都如每一方自恋时那么单纯，而不像做夫妻时那么双重。然而，这种单纯是缺乏生气的。如果进入青春期的女孩子想参与生活，那么，由于屈服于他者，她就会希望为她自己恢复父亲凝视的魔力，要求得到她所极度崇拜的人的爱，并和他做爱。 她将转向一个女人，这个女人不如男性那么陌生，那么可怕，但多少有些男性的威望：一位能挣钱养活她自己。在世界上有所表现的职业女人，会很容易和男人一样有迷人的魅力。我们知道，在学校里，学生们是多么倾心于女教师、女管理人员。在《妇女团体》一书中，克莱门斯·戴恩以朴实的笔调描绘了最热烈的情欲。有时，少女向她最要好的朋友吐露自己的最高情欲：她们甚至可能分享这种情欲，对极其强烈的感受引以自豪。玛格丽特·埃瓦在里，援引了一个女学生写给她朋友的一封信，信中这样写道： 我由于感冒躺在床上，只能想X小姐。我从未这样深地爱过一位老师。头一年我就很爱她，但现在是名副其实地恋爱了。我认为我爱得比你热烈。我幻想我会吻她；一想到我将回学校去看她，就快活得几乎晕倒。 她往往冒昧地向她的偶像直接表白自己的情感，如同一著作中所援引的另一个例子就是这样： 一提到你，亲爱的小姐，我就陷入难以言状的境地……每当你离我很远，我就想不论来去什么也要和你在一起。我一直在思念着你。每当我看见你，我就热泪盈眶，一C想躲起来。和你相比，我是多么渺小无知。你一和我说话，我就感到窘迫和激动，仿佛听到了仙女的声音和爱的喃喃细语，而这是无法模仿的。我留心你的一举一动，语无伦次，小声讲着一些蠢话。你会说那全是昏话，但我讲那些话时心里非常明白，我打心眼里爱你。 李普曼在《青春与性》援引了一个职业学校女校长的一席话： 我记得我小时候，我们常吵着抢我们年轻老师的包饭纸，宁愿为它付出20芬尼。她的地铁车票也是我们收集的抢手货。 既然她必须扮演一个男性角色，被爱的女人就最好是未婚的：婚姻并非总是让年轻的求爱者沮丧，但会令她感到烦恼。她不喜欢让她所崇拜的对象似乎在受丈夫或情人权力的支配。 这类情欲，往往是在暗中，或至少是在精神恋爱层次上显露的。但和被爱者是男性相比，它朝明确的性欲的转变要容易得多。即便少女与同龄朋友未曾有过温存的体验，女性的身体也不会使她感到惧怕。和姐妹或母亲在一起时，她通常已经知道有一种使感情微妙地染上性感色彩的亲匿关系。而和她崇拜的爱人在一起时，从感情到肉欲快感的转变，会在不知不觉中完成。在《穿制服的少女》一书中，多萝西·维克在吻着赫尔塔·蒂尔的嘴唇，这吻既有母性的含义，也有性的含义。两个女人之间有一种消除羞怯感的共谋关系。一个女人在另一个女人身上引起的兴奋，一般没有经过暴力。同性恋的抚摸既不意味着破坏少女的重贞，也不意味着插入：它们使童年的阴蒂性冲动得到了满足，不要求引起新的令人不安的变化。少女既可以实现她作为被动客体的使命，又没有觉得自已被深深地异化。这正是勒内·维维安在某些诗里所表达的。她在诗中赞美情人兼姐妹的轻触柔吻，以及她们的做爱在嘴唇或乳房没有留下任何痕迹。 她答应送给朋友的东西，即诗中被不得体地称之为的“嘴唇”和“乳房”，显然没有使她受到蹂躏。而正是部分因为对暴力和强奸的恐惧，进入青春期的女孩子才往往把初恋送给年龄稍长的女人，而不是送给一个男人。在女孩子的心目中，男性化的女人既是父亲的化身，也是母亲的化身：她具有父亲的权威和超越性，她是价值的来源与标准，她超出了既定世界，她是神；但她也还是一个女人。不论女孩子小时候得到母亲的抚爱太少，还是相反，被母亲宠爱得过久，她都会像兄弟那样梦想得到温暖的胸脯。现在，在这和自己的肉体贴近的肉体中，她又感受到了断乳时失去的那种与生命的无忧无虑的直接融合。而且，在另一个人的这种久久的注视中，那使她变成孤独者的分离被克服了。当然，每一种人际关系都隐含着冲突，所有的爱都会产生嫉妒。但是，在处女和她的第一个男情人之间隐隐出现的许多障碍，这里却得到了消除。同性恋的体验可以变成真正的私通，它能给少女带来十分幸福的平衡，以至她会希望永远进行或重复这种体验，对它眷恋不已。的确，它可以暴露或产生一种女性同性恋的倾向。 但是，这样一种体验通常只代表一个阶段：它的简单宜行恰恰就是它的死亡证书。在把爱情送给一个较年长的女人时，少女是在与她自己的未来恋爱：她会认同于她的偶像。除非这个偶像非常优越，否则她很快就会黯然失色。较年轻的女人一旦开始表现自己，她就会进行鉴别和比较：那个他人，虽然仅仅由于属于同类和没有威胁而被选中，却不具备足够的他性长期影响她自己。男神们的地位比较稳固，因为他们住的天国比较遥远。少女的好奇，她的肉欲，使她渴望更强有力的拥抱。通常，她从一开始就把同性恋冒险只看做一种过渡，一种启蒙，一件不会持久的事情。她假装去爱，去嫉妒、愤怒、骄傲、快活和痛苦，同时又有些坦率地承认她在想，她在模仿她梦想中的冒险时，没冒什么风险，然而她至今还没有勇气或机会，将其付诸于现实生活。她注定要属于男人，这一点她是清楚的；而且她希望有女人的正常而完整的命运。 男人使她眼花缭乱，可也使她感到恐惧。为了顺应她对他的这种矛盾情感，她会把他身上的、令她恐惧的男性，与她虔诚崇拜的、令她愉快的神性分开。和男伴们在一起时，她感到局促而羞怯，她崇拜的是某个遥远的迷人王子：他是一个电影演员，她把他的肖像钉在自己的床头上；他是一个英雄，不论是死是活，反正是可望而不可及的地是一个被偶然注意到的陌生人，她知道永远不会再见到他。这类私情不会引起任何麻烦。通常，少女向往的是具有社会威望或才华出众、然而却是无身体魅力的男人：比如说，一位年迈而又相当可笑的教授。这些较年长的男人处在少女世界之外，因而，她可以如一个人把自己献给上帝那样，暗地里把自己奉献给他们。这不会使她蒙受耻辱，因为不存在任何肉体的欲望。入选者甚至可能是下贱的、丑陋的，因为只有那样她才可以感到安全。选择某个可望而不可及的人，可以使她把爱情变成一种不危及她的整体性的抽象的主观体验。她感受到渴求、希望与痛苦的刺激，却没有真正卷入纠纷。十分有趣的是，偶像离得越远，他就越能是出类拔萃的。每天都见面的钢琴教师最好没有魅力，然而可望而不可及的英雄，如果英俊且有阳刚之气则更可取。 重要的是，无论如何都要把性的因素排除在外，从而在他者并不真正存在的情况下，延长内在性冲动的自恋倾向。 在回避真实体验时，进入青春期的女孩子常以这种方式，展开强烈想像的生活；有时，她的确是把她的幻觉与现实混为一谈。海伦·多伊奇所描写的一个少女的情况很值得注意。 这位少女想像与一个她从未和他讲过话的年龄较大的男孩子，有一种很认真的关系。她一直在写日记，情景很动人，有眼泪和拥抱，有分手与和解。而且还给他写信，不过信没有发出，是她自己答复的。所有这一切显然是对她所恐惧的真实体验的一种防御。 这是一种病态的极端，然而其过程却是正常的。玛丽·巴什基尔切夫同一位无法接近的贵族男子，曾保持了想像中的感情关系，希望在身为女人无法获得独立成功的环境中，提高她的自我。她想做名人，但作为女人如何实现这一愿望呢？她需要一个男人，但他的地位必须极高。她写道：“在优越的男人面前卑躬屈膝，应当是优越女人的最大骄傲。”于是，自恋导致了被虐狂，这一点我们在女孩子对残酷丈夫和神圣殉道者的梦想中已经看到。这种自我仿佛是为他人并且是由他人形成的：他人越强大，这个自我就越高贵、有力。在他人面前消灭自己，是为了在自己身上并为自己实现他人。假如玛丽·巴什基尔切夫被尼禄所爱，她也会成为尼禄。说实在的，这种对虚无的梦想，是对存在（tobe）的一种自豪意愿。实际上，她从未遇到过一个男人，其出类技革足以让她对他如痴如狂。拜倒在自己所虚构的遥远之神的脚下是一回事，而委身于一个有血有肉的男性则完全是另外一回事。许多少女在现实世界坚持追求这一梦想；她们在寻找一个在所有方面都比其他所有男人优越的男人，他拥有财富且名声显赫，是一个由于为他所爱将具有他的光辉和主要性（essentiality）的绝对主体。 她们奉献自己的爱情，不是因为他是一个男性，而是因为他是那个崇高的人。于是，她们的爱情被理想化了。一个朋友对我说：“我想得到巨人，却只找到了男人。”由于这种极高的要求，少女瞧不起仅仅是凡夫俗子的有志者，并回避性问题。她无所顾忌地坚持她自己所梦想的形象，它作为一种形象确实很迷人，但她决不希望遵循这种形象。因而玛丽·勒·哈尔杜思在《黑幕》里叙述了她如何兴奋地想像自己是奉献给某个男人的牺牲品，尽管她实际上是一个盛气凌人的人： 我们痛苦地生活着。我非常费眼神地给他补衣服。由于得病，我们唯一的孩子正面临死亡的威胁。 但我的嘴角上挂着温柔的痛苦微笑，我的眼睛里表现出在现实生活中我会非常讨厌看到的沉默勇气。 在超越这些自恋结果时，有些少女比较现实地感到需要一个引路人，一个老师。逃出父母的控制以后，她们发现这种尚不习惯的独立是令人窘迫的。她们所能够做到的几乎只是消极地利用它，陷入任性和放纵。她们仍然希望放弃自己的自由。任性的。高傲的、具有反抗精神的、令人难以容忍的年轻女郎，在私通时被一个通情达理的男人治得服服贴贴，这种故事是廉价文学和电影的标准样式，也是既讨好男人又讨好女人的陈词滥调。例如，德·塞居尔夫人在《如此童恋！》里讲的就是这样一个故事。一个叫吉泽尔的孩子，对过于溺爱她的父亲感到失望，开始依恋严厉的老姑母。成为少女时，她又受到一个爱吹毛求疵的年轻男人朱里安的影响。他对她讲刺耳的实话，羞辱她，并想改造她。后来她嫁给了一个品行不端的富有公爵，生活很不幸福。只是在作为寡妇接受了她的良师的热烈爱情时，她才终于获得了快乐和智慧。在路易莎·M·奥尔科特的《贤妻》中，任性的乔在她未来的丈夫严厉指责她的一些毛病时，开始和他相爱。尽管美国女人的自尊心很强，好莱坞影片还是一再表现这些难以驯服的年轻姑娘被丈夫或情人的适度粗暴所治服：打一两个耳光，或者，最好是痛揍一顿，似乎是勾引的可靠方式。 然而实际上，从理想之爱到性爱的转变，不全是这么简单的。许多女人多少都能坦率地承认，她们之所以谨慎地避免与所钟爱的对象有任何亲近，是因为担心受骗。如果这位英雄、巨人、半人半神，对他所激起的爱作出反应，把它变成一种现实体验，少女就会感到震骇，她的偶像就会沦为她所嫌弃的男性。有些风骚的少女“拼命”想吸引她们认为是“有趣的”或“迷人的”男人，然而如果他反过来对她们表现出过于浓厚的兴趣，她们又会自相矛盾地心烦意乱。他之所以对她们有吸引力，是因为他仿佛是可望而不可及的：作为情人，他未免显得太平庸了——“他不过是个男人，和别的男人没有什么两样。”女孩子责备他使她失去尊严，以此为借口回避会给她敏感的处女性造成威胁的肉体接触。即使她委身于她的“意中人”，她在他的怀抱里也仍是冷淡的，而且，如斯特克尔所说的那样，“在这种事发生之后，一个思想清高的女孩子有时会自杀，或者，由于意中人原来是个'野兽'，她想像中的整个爱情大厦会顿时倒塌。” 这种对不可能实现的理想的喜好，往往使少女与对她的一个朋友感兴趣的男人相爱，而且这往往是一个已婚男人。她很容易被唐璜式人物迷住；她梦想征服并控制这个任何女人都不曾长期留住的勾引者。她怀着改造他的愿望，不过她也清楚她不会成功，而这就是她所以选择的一个原因。有些少女永远不能体验到真正的完整爱情，她们一生都在追求不可能实现的理想。 在女孩子的自恋与她的性欲注定她要有的那种体验之间，显然存在着一种冲突。女人不会接受她的次要者地位，除非她在这种放弃行为中可以重新变成主要者。可不是吗，她在变成客体的过程中，成了孤芳自赏的偶像，但对让她仍成为次要者的无情逻辑，她则予以唾弃。 她想做迷人的宝贝，而不是做被人获取的物品。她喜欢像神奇的物神似的，充满着魔力，而不喜欢把自己看做供人观赏、触摸和损伤的肉体：不错，男人的确喜欢让女人成为猎物，但他却在逃避吃人女魔得墨忒耳。 她对能引起男性的兴趣、激起爱慕感到骄傲，但对反过来被捕获却感到厌恶。随着青春期的来临，她开始懂得羞耻。而这羞耻将会长久存在，与她的风骚和虚荣融为一体。男人们的注视，对她既是奉承又是伤害。她只想让人家看她展示出来的部位，可人们的目光总是太锐利了。于是，男人们发现这种前后矛盾是无所适从的：她袒胸露肩，裸露双腿，可人们一旦去注视它们，她便会脸红，恼怒。她喜欢刺激男性，但如果看到她已经引起他的欲望，她又会感到厌恶，退避三舍。男性的欲望是恭维，同样也是冒犯。就她认为自己应当对她的魅力负责，或应当自动地运用这一魅力而言，她对自己的成功感到很高兴；但就她的面容、体态和肉体是她必须忍受的事实而言，她又不想让这个贪婪而无关的陌生人看到它们。 这就是这基本羞怯的深层含义，它令人困窘地妨碍了最大胆的卖弄风情。一个小女孩可以惊人地大胆，因为她没有意识到采取主动会暴露她的被动性：一旦看到了这一点，她就会感到惊恐和烦恼。没有什么比看一眼的含义更暧昧的了。它在远处存在，在那种距离它似乎意味着尊重，然而它却不知不觉地占有了所看到的形象。未成年女人在这些陷阱里挣扎着。 她开始放纵，但又立刻对自己升腾的欲望严加控制和压抑。在她仍在骚动的身体里，她时而感到抚摸是一种美妙的快感，时而又感到它是一种令人厌恶的搔痒。接吻最初使她激动，后来突然让她放声大笑。每次屈从之后紧接着就是反抗。她让自已被吻，但又擦拭嘴唇借以卖弄。她笑容可掬，一往情深，后来又突然热嘲冷讽，充满敌意。她许诺，却又故意忘记。 在如此表现出孩子气的乖僻性情时，这个“不成熟的果子”在防范着男人。少女常被描绘成这种半野蛮半驯化的造物。比如，柯莱特在《学校里的克洛迪娜》和《麦苗青青》中，就是以迷人的万卡的形式这样描写她的。她对自己所面对和君临的世界怀有浓厚的兴趣，但她也对男人感到好奇，对他怀有一种肉体上的和浪漫的欲望。万卡身上被荆棘划破过，她捉喇蛄和爬树，可当她的伙伴菲勒摸她的手时，她还是在发抖。她懂得了使身体变成肉体、使女人第一次展示为女人的兴奋。她觉醒了，开始希望自己是美丽的：她时时梳理头发，使用化妆品，穿薄薄的蝉翼纱；她以卖弄风情和诱惑别人为自娱。但她有时似乎希望为自己而不是为他人存在，于是她穿起又旧又难看的衣服，或穿不合身的裤子。她扮演的一个重要角色不准她卖弄风情，认为这是对原则的放弃。所以她故意用墨水涂抹手指，不梳头发，一副邋遢相。这种反抗行为使她变得笨拙，她感到了这一点，于是很烦恼。她被激怒了，脸红了，使自己加倍地笨拙，而且对这种想诱惑人且已流产的企图感到战栗。在这个阶段，少女希望自己不再是一个孩子，然而她不承认自己正在变成成人。她一会儿责备自己的幼稚，一会儿又责备自己的女性服从。她处在一种不断否定的状态中。 这就是少女的特性，也是我们认识她大多数行为的关键。她不接受自然与社会为她指定的命运，然而也没有完全拒绝它。她自身中的矛盾太多了，以至不能同世界作战。她只准备逃离现实，或者同它做象征性的斗争。她的每一种欲望，都引起了相应的焦虑：她渴望拥有自己的未来，然而又害怕与过去决裂；她希望“有”一个男人，却又不希望自己成为他的猎物。而在每一种恐惧的背后都潜伏着欲望，蹂躏使她惧怕，但她又渴望被动。她就这样注定是不真诚的，而且满口遁辞。她注定要受种种表现焦虑和欲望的矛盾的消极观念之困扰。 轻蔑的笑声是用于青春期斗争的最常见的战斗方式之一。女学生和年轻女工在彼此讲充满柔情的或粗俗的故事，或谈到她们的调情时，会“哄堂”大笑。她们从男人身边走过或看到情人拥抱时，也会咯咯地傻笑。我听说，女学生们穿过卢森堡公园的“情人巷”是专门为了发笑；另有些女学生们经常到土耳其浴室，是为了取笑大腹便便、悬着两个大乳房的胖女人。戏弄女性的身体，挖苦男人和讥笑爱情，所有这些都是为了否认自己和性交有关系的一种方式。在这些笑声当中，除了有对成人的挑衅，还有对自己的窘迫和压抑的克服方法。玩弄字眼和联想是为了消灭危险的魔力：我曾看到小学生们在拉丁文课文发现femur[大腿〕这个词时，便“哄堂”大笑起来。 如果少女任凭自已被乱摸或被吻，她就会更加理直气壮地当着性伙伴的面，或和同伴们一起，用笑声进行报复。我记得有两个年轻姑娘，一天晚上在火车车厢里被一个正在旅行的推销员依次“摸来摸去”，他显然会为他的幸运感到高兴。她们间或歇斯底里地大笑起来，在一种性冲动和羞耻的混合感觉中，恢复了尚未成熟的青春期的典型行为。 在这个年龄，少女们不但利用放荡的笑声，而且也利用强硬的言辞：有些少女用词之粗野，足以使她们的兄弟感到脸红。这种言辞无疑不那么令她们感到震骇，因为在她们的一知半解中，她们所使用的表达方式并没有在她们的脑海中引起很准确的联想。况且，她们的意图也不是引起这些联想，而是在阻止它们，或至少是在减弱它们。女学生们相互讲粗俗故事，在很大程度上，不是为了满足她们的性感受，而是为了抵制性冲动：她们希望看到性行为的可笑方面，将其看做机械的或类似外科手术的操作。然而和笑声一样，使用淫秽语言不仅仅是战斗方式，而且也是对成人的一种挑衅，一种亵渎，一种故作反常的行为形式。在蔑视自然与社会时，少女用种种奇怪的方式进行挑战和抵抗。人们常会注意到古怪的饮食习惯：她吃铅笔芯、封缄纸、木屑和活虾；她吞服成打的阿斯匹林片；她甚至吃苍蝇和蜘蛛。我认识的一个女孩子，她并不傻，但用咖啡和白葡萄酒调成一种可怕的混合液，强迫自己喝下去。 她还吃泡在醋里的糖块。我还看见另一个女孩子，发现她那份色拉里有一条小白虫，却毫不犹豫地把它吞了下去。所有的儿童，都坚持用眼和手，并且更直接地，用口和胃去检验世界。 然而在未成熟的青春期，女孩子更喜欢在令她难以理解的和令她反感的领域里探索。“令她厌恶的”东西，常常在吸引着她。这样一个女孩子，尽管美丽、娇气、打扮得整整齐齐，但只要觉得自己像个胜东西似的，就的确会被各种“脏”东西所深深迷住：她摆弄昆虫，盯住有月经污迹的衣物，吸自己伤口上的血。玩脏东西，显然是抵制厌恶（这在青春期一开始就是十分重要的情感）的一种方式：如我们所看到的，小女孩对她的过于亢奋的身体，对她的经血，对成年人的性交，对她注定要归属的男性，都感到厌恶；她在抵制这一情感时，对她所反感的东西恰恰是欣赏、亲近。她仿佛是在说：“既然我每个月都要流血，我干脆就用吸自己伤口的血来证明我并不害怕我的血。既缄我将来必须忍受令人作呕的体验，我现在也就可以吞下一条小白虫。”