Chapter 20 Section 19

The next day, she went to the cemetery (which she does at least once a month) to her son's grave.Whenever she was standing there, she always had to talk to him.Today, as if she was going to explain something, or ask for forgiveness, she said to him: "My dear, my dear Baoer, don't think that I don't love you now, or never loved you in the past. Just because I love you , if you were still alive, I would not be what I am now. Having a child makes it impossible to despise the world, because this is the world we let this child in. Children make us care about the world, care about its the future, and wishing to dissolve into its noise and chaos. This has infected us so badly with its incurable stupidity. When you die, I lose the joy of being with you. But at the same time, you Freed me too. Freed me from fighting a world I despised. I allowed myself to despise it because you were gone. My black thoughts would never plant any more seeds for you Yes. I will tell you now that in the days since you left me, I gradually began to understand that your death was a gift from God. And I finally accepted this heartbreaking gift.