Chapter 19 Section 18

That night, she returned to the apartment exhausted amidst the noise of engines and horns.How she longed for peace.But as soon as she opened the door of the apartment, she heard the sound of hammers and workers drinking.The elevator is broken.She could only go up the stairs.She felt a sickening wave of heat hit her.The sound of hammering echoed in the elevator shaft, like a drumbeat for a heat wave. It strengthened it, expanded it, and made it more turbulent.When she stood at the door, her underwear was soaked with sweat.In order not to let Jean-Marc see her blushing in embarrassment, she took a short rest at the door.

"The cemetery left me its business card," she thought.She hadn't created the business herself, it had formed in her head somehow.Standing in the doorway, amidst the noise that never seemed to stop, she said it to herself several times.She didn't really like the business, their exaggerated form of horror left a terrible impression on her, but she couldn't shake the idea. The sound of hammering finally died down, and the fever began to slowly die down.She opened the door and went straight into the room.Jean-Marc kissed her, but when he began to tell her a few stories, although the noise of the little drill stopped, the hammering began again.She felt like she was being hunted, and she had nowhere to hide.Her skin was still damp."The crematorium is the only place that doesn't leave our bodies to their mercy," she said incoherently.

Seeing Jean-Marc's surprised gaze, she immediately realized how weird what she just said was.She started talking about the video she'd seen at the company and about Laila's words, especially the fetus in the womb performing a masturbation in a way that adults couldn't do, with acrobatic movements. "A sexually active fetus is unimaginable! It has no consciousness, no personal characteristics, no sensations, but it already has a sexual drive and may be satisfied. Therefore, our sexual desire is in our self-consciousness. It was there before we were born, our sexuality was there when we weren't there yet. And, even more incredible, my colleagues were touched by it. They, for this masturbating baby, There are tears in my eyes!"

"how about you?" "Me? I'm just disgusted. Jean-Marc, disgusted." Strangely, she held him tightly with her arms and leaned on him, refusing to let go for a long time. She then continued: "A man has those desires that they call divine even in his mother's womb, and you're no exception, they filmed you, watched you, watched you masturbate. As long as You can't escape them while you're alive. Everyone understands that. But the damn thing is, you can't escape until you're born. Just like you can't escape after you're dead. I remember writing in a newspaper I read in the article that an exiled man with a prominent Russian nobleman's name was suspected of being a liar. After his death, in order to deny his noblemanship, they took a man who they claimed to be his mother, who had The remains of a long-buried rural woman were exhumed. They dissected her bones and analyzed her genes. I wonder what kind of arrogance gave them the right to dig up her grave. And looted her naked body, That absolute nudity, that super nudity in the shape of a skeleton. That poor woman! (O) Jean-Marc, all I feel is disgust, nothing else but disgust. You heard that story about Haydn's head The story? They cut it out of a still-warm corpse so those mad scientists could take out his brain and precisely calculate the areas of the musical genius. And the story of Einstein? He was in his His will expressly stated that he was to be cremated. They complied with his arrangements, but his devoted follower refused to live without his gaze. Before the cremation, he dug out Ein Stan's eyeballs. He put them in a bottle of alcohol. So those eyes could watch him every day until the day he died. That's why I say only the crematorium can keep our bodies from their surveillance ...that's the only way to really die. Then I'd have nothing else to ask for. Jean-Marc, I want a real death."

After a few minutes of silence, the sound of the hammering began to reverberate over the room again. "I really don't want to hear it anymore." "Chantal, what got you in trouble?" She looked at him, then turned away.She was moved again.This time I was moved not because of what she said just now, but because of Jean-Marc's affectionate care for her.