Chapter 3 Heather on Mount Hira
Time flies, and it has been five years in a blink of an eye.After five years, I came to Katada Hotel again.The last time I set foot here, it happened to be Yunchun, the year before the war ceased, and it was an extraordinary period when the war situation began to become tense.So, five years passed.I feel that it seems to be a very distant past, and it seems to be a very close yesterday. All in all, these days, I suddenly become unfamiliar with the concept of time.Not so in youth.Just last month in the anatomy magazine, a guy wrote me as hale and eighty.But I'm not yet eighty, two years away.But somehow, in the eyes of others, I seem to be an old man. The word "Weng" is a bit gentle, and I hate it.I love the word "pedant".I am an old pedant—Shuntaro Miike.
There are Miuiji Temple, Awazu, Ishiyama, and many other places to watch Lake Biwa.But as far as viewing Mount Biliang is concerned, although the lakeside is vast, it is not as good as Jiantian, especially the living room on the northwest side of the Lingfeng Pavilion. Nothing can compare with it.This is what the hotel owner is proud of.He once explained that from here, Biliang Mountain has the most solemn posture, so it is named Lingfeng Pavilion.From this living room, Mt. Bira is really beautiful.If you live in Hikone, looking at Mt. Hira from across Lake Biwa, you can see its peaks meandering to the east, and the scenery is certainly magnificent.But looking from here, although you don't see that kind of scenery, you can see several streams with clear outlines, nestled leisurely in the arms of Mt. The boldness and style are not seen on ordinary mountains, and they are indeed beautiful.
However, how many years have passed since the boss died?twenty years?No, more.Because of Keisuke's incident, when I came here for the second time, he had already suffered from a stroke and his speech was slurred.I remember that not long after that, that is, two or three months later, I received his obituary, and he seemed to me at the time to be a shambling old man, but he was barely ancient at that time. year.I calculated that I outlived him by nearly ten years.
Nothing has changed in this family.I first came here when I was twenty-four or five years old, so almost fifty years have passed since I sat in this living room.Families that haven't changed in fifty years are really rare.Now, the son who inherits the legacy of his deceased father sits in the dim tent by the door, his posture and expression are exactly like his father.Looking at this house again, the landscape wall chart and the memorial tablet on the old alcove may be completely from the past.My home is not the same, as if the world has been turned upside down, everything has changed.From furniture, people, to people's brains, it can be said that nothing has changed.The years are changing, and it may be more appropriate to say that it is changing all the time.Families with such changes are rare.I moved the wicker chair to the corridor, and after an hour, I changed the sitting direction as usual, because I couldn't stand it.
what!How leisurely and contented, how many years have I not enjoyed such a peaceful and quiet time!This is the time of the scholar.Just like that, I sat alone on the wicker chair, watching the lake and Mt. Biliang, and no one stared at me, couldn't see an evil look, and couldn't hear any dull or disturbing voice.If you want hot tea, just clap your hands and call the maid.If you keep silent, no one will bother you until evening, no radio blaring, no gramophone and piano, no Haruko shrieking, no grandchildren shouting, no The voice of Hiroyuki who has become arrogant in recent years.
However, the family must have fallen out.Because of my sudden disappearance, the family must be in a state of panic.I've been taking precautions lately and never go out alone, but today I've been out for more than five hours and still don't enter the house, even Chunzi panicked. "The old man is gone!" "The old man is gone!" She would yell as usual, looking for me nearby or at a friend's house.When Hongzhi received a call, he would quickly return home from the company. He neither wanted to inform his relatives nor to report to the police. This kid was like that.But then again, no matter where he called, he couldn't find out my whereabouts.He could only put on a straight face and paced up and down the room slowly.He just loves to worry, so he may have notified my younger brother and younger sister of my disappearance.Dingguang Xingxu rushed home from the university research room, showing that he did not want to be called home because of such a thing.He was in my study, sitting on my chair, drinking tea with a sad face.Kyoko would run home from Kitano too.If there is no such thing, neither Dingguang nor Kyoko will go home.I don't know how busy they are, but even if they occasionally visit the single father with snacks, they won't suffer retribution.If they keep silent, they will forget their father for a year or so, so they are all unfilial children and grandchildren.
Until tomorrow, let them worry.I will suddenly go home at noon tomorrow. For me, who is seventy-eight years old, I have the freedom to go out of the house, the kind of freedom that is popular today.It's not a bad thing to leave quietly.When I was young, I always talked about drinking, stayed wherever I went, and never said hello to Meisha beforehand.I went away quietly for three or four days, and never once called my wife like Hongzhi did.Hiroyuki is shitted on his neck by his wife, doting on his children, pampering his wife, he is a coward.
However, as soon as I step into the house tomorrow, I will inevitably provoke a dispute.In front of Dingguang and Jingzi, Chunzi would deliberately yell: "Isn't it? I'm so worried about taking care of grandpa." She might point at Sang Huai and cry on the ground.Throughout the night, Dingguang and Kyoko were worried about me, and they had to vent all their anger.I said nothing, looked around at everyone's faces, and went into the study.Hong Zhihui chased him in, put on a reasonable look, and said: "From now on, you are not allowed to do such wicked things. Think about how old you are, and consider your own age. If you do this kind of thing, the children will be afraid." I can't bear it, how disgraceful! Dad, you are going astray." Say whatever you want, and I won't answer.I remained silent and looked up at the picture of Mr. Schorbe hanging on the wall. My eyes stayed on his meaningful and peaceful eyes for a long time.Once I had calmed down, I opened my journal and wrote Chapter 9 of "The Arterial System of the Japanese."I took a pen and wrote:
Im Jahre 1896 bin ich in der Anatomie und Anthropolo gie mit einer neuen Ansehauung hervor getreten, indem ich behauptete;...
In 1898 I published new and striking insights in anatomy and anthropology, in which I asserted:
What I start writing, they don't know.The first line of words, shining with Miike Shuntaro's eternal life and pride as a scholar, no one will understand.First of all, Hiroyuki couldn't read at all.He had studied German at school, and it was rare for a guy to be so forgetful.Dingguang specializes in German and is translating Goethe's works, so he can still read it.However, he may only understand Goethe's works.Since childhood, he had such eccentricities.It is unreliable for him to study Goethe like that.As far as Goethe is a great writer, I have always been a layman, but I think that what he studies is probably his hard-to-please Goethe.At least the poet Goethe should not be a willful person who is not in harmony with his parents, brothers and sisters.Goethe, Goethe, he only has Goethe in his heart, and he doesn't know what his important father does. This kind of son is really embarrassing.He has no idea what kind of scientific value the significance of the study of the anatomy of the Japanese arterial system and the simple but important work of soft anthropology have.As for Hongzhi, no, why only Hongzhi?Even Chunzi, Jingzi and Jingzi's husband would think that my words are not as valuable as a hundred dollars.Even so, it doesn’t matter that they all take advantage of my past as a member of the Academy of Sciences, the dean of the Department of Medicine of Q University, and my social reputation of having won the XX Award to despicably use my banner in front of others. If you are proud of your children, you should understand and cherish me better.Probably higher than himself.He also wished me self-respect and self-love.This is the clearest compliment I have ever received in my life.However, Professor Karachi has passed away long ago.The value of my work seems to be understood only by Sakura and Iguchi, who are also extraordinary people who have done great work.However, the names of the two have disappeared from the society for a long time.Of the work of both of them, I may be the only one who can really and reasonably evaluate their work.
Putting these aside for the time being, why did I suddenly want to come to Jiantian?Thinking about it carefully, I also feel baffled.I couldn't bear it anymore, I just wanted to sit in this living room on the northwest side of the Lingfeng Pavilion and enjoy the lake and water. I couldn't wait to see Biliang Mountain on the other side of the lake.Although the direct reason that prompted me to do this was related to 12,000 yuan, it was definitely not because of the money, it was not like this.
Yesterday, I asked Hongzhi for the 12,000 yuan.That was the money I got from selling some of the paper I kept in the basement of the university, ready to be printed.Hongzhi made a strange face. He probably thought that he was taking care of me and living a difficult life right now, so it was only natural for him to keep the money from selling paper as part of his living expenses.But I don't think so.Those papers were used to print my life's masterpiece, as the name suggests, "The Arterial System of the Japanese".In the war-torn years, I scraped together the money and finally bought the paper.Fearing the scourge of war, I asked someone to keep the paper in the basement of the university.Those pieces of paper are precious to me and nothing can replace them.The paper, quite different from the paper on which worthless novels and dictionaries are printed, will be used to print fifty years of hard work by Shuntaro Miike, the founder of Softbu Anthropology.If given the chance.It is to be sent to universities and libraries all over the world.But unlike the papers piled there, my life will be transformed into millions of German words, jumping on those papers.
I put the money in the drawer, and anyway, when I can calm down, I want to get to work.I have lived in poverty since my early years, but I don't feel that I am poor at all.Although I have to borrow money, I can buy what I want, eat what I want, and drink wine every day.Completely plunged into poverty, can you still be a scholar?Those who have never learned do not understand.
I accidentally revealed the matter of selling paper, so Hiroyuki and Haruko counted on the money.If I keep my mouth shut, wouldn't it be in vain for them to count on it?
"The money is mine, and I'm not allowed to move a cent." I said.It's not being sarcastic or mean, I really mean it.
"Father, it's a bit capricious of you to do this." When Hongzhi said these words, my heart became angry.If he were a little more humble and said, "Life is too difficult, Daddy, is it okay to give me some money? I'm really sorry. If it works, I will be saved." One is to get it out.
After hearing these words, Chunzi also poked her head out from the dining room, "I told you, Dad is right, it's Dad's money, it's better to hand over to Dad without any money left." She changed her words.
"Yes, it's my money. It's worthless. It's used to buy candy for my grandson. I can't agree to it." Hearing what I said, Hongzhi clicked his tongue.Although he is my son, it is unbearable for me to be so frivolous.If Misa was alive, she wouldn't annoy me like this.However, Misa was cowardly by nature, and in her later years she began to follow Hiroyuki and Haruko's temperament, so she couldn't expect much.However, this is the money from selling work paper, and Meisha will not obey her children.
Things got even more unbearable this morning.When I was about to work in the study, Chunzi walked in with twelve thousand yuan bills in hand. She could just put the bills on the table, but she said, "Father, you are gradually liking money."
I don't like money.My seventy-eight-year-old career was spent in poverty accompanied by research.Apart from learning, there is nothing I like.If I like money, I will become a clinical professor, then quit my job and start a business, and I will become a millionaire.I would no longer have to deal with cadavers in darkened research rooms and write an unsalable book in a foreign language with donations from industrialists.Chunzi said exactly the opposite.She misjudged me.The environment I live in is a vulgar company employee family, and I have no connection with learning at all, and in today's world, relying on meager wages to survive, if I don't save some private money in the drawer, my heart will not be at ease. If your heart is not at ease, you cannot work.They always seem to be dissatisfied if I don't give them the pension as living expenses.However, if I regard my pension as my living expenses, where will the wages of my sideline students come from?Currently, the pension is my only research expense.It is too heartless for a son to count on his father's pension!
I said nothing to Haruko.I feel that even speaking a word stains the tongue.I took the money from her and counted it in front of her with trembling hands, and it was indeed one hundred and twenty.
"Okay, let's go." I told her.
I sat at the table for a long time, brewed tea, and drank a bowl of snacks.This is a porcelain tea bowl, which was given to me by an unknown student on my 70th birthday.I was not at home at that time, and he left the teacup by the door without making a sound.Whether it's the student or the teacup, I feel satisfied.I slowly tilted the tea bowl in front of my chest, and the small dark green bubbles gradually disappeared by the side of the bowl.
Afterwards, I looked up to the courtyard, and behind the bushes planted from the gate, there was a man in a shabby suit walking towards the gate. I had seen his figure two or three times.I also know that he is the owner of the Omori store.Chunzi sells belts and clothes again.The clothes are brought when you get married, so it doesn't matter if you sell them.However, it is not difficult enough to sell clothes.If it's really that difficult, tell Xiuyi to stop practicing the piano.A twelve-year-old son who has no talent in the first place pays a high tuition fee to let him practice the piano, what a shame!How troubled I was therefore!Music is something that only geniuses work hard on.The same is true for eight-year-old Guizi learning to paint.All this is in vain.Said it is sentiment education, sentiment education.The so-called sentiment is by no means cultivated in this way.Instead of imparting valuable knowledge to them, talk about sentiment education.
So much for the education of grandchildren, there are still many indiscretions in reducing living expenses.It is said that Chunzi spent 20 yuan to shine his shoes four times a few days ago.This is really surprising.However, instead of blaming him, Hongzhi went to Jingji Street to shine his shoes, and was asked to pay thirty yuan, saying that the people there were very polite.A couple with able-bodied limbs don't shine their own leather shoes, so they spend 50 yuan to have someone else do it.Needless to say.
Despite this, she kept crying about being poor, saying that life was difficult and she had to sell clothes.What a contradiction.It is understandable if the husband is an alcoholic and is poor after drinking.In fact, I have been like this all my life, studying people and wine, dissecting rooms and taverns.But my drinking, though equally wasteful, is done for a slightly different reason.I'm not going to have my shoes shined and drink in moderation.Even if you shine someone's shoes, you still have to drink wine.Because for me, drinking is my desire, as much as learning, an unstoppable desire.
When the owner of the Omori store opened the door and rang the doorbell, I stood up and changed into my suit, pinning the small Red Cross First Class Medal of Honor to my vest.This medal was presented to me by the Polish government and is my favorite thing.I put part of the draft of Chapter 9 and a German dictionary in my schoolbag, and then I stuffed the twelve thousand yuan into my pocket. I didn't think the pocket was safe, so I stuffed the money back into my underwear pocket .I stepped down the corridor, across the courtyard, and out the back door onto the street.Perhaps because of the excitement, my knees cracked when I walked.
I walked slowly and came to the tramway, just in time for a taxi to come.I stopped it and asked the driver how much it cost to go to Jiantian.I thought it was two hundred yuan, but this seventeen or eighteen-year-old driver actually asked me for two thousand yuan.I couldn't help feeling angry, and my hands were trembling.However, he was looking contemptuous and turned the steering wheel to drive away, so I said, "Okay, let me drive." He just sat there and opened the door from the inside.Drivers used to get out of the car to open the door.
The car was bumped and bumped, and the body shook violently.I thought, how can this work?He told the driver to drive slower.I shifted into position, pulled my arms out in front of me, tucked my shoulders in, tried to reduce the surface area of my heart so it wasn't working hard, and closed my eyes.The car drove outside of Kyoto City and onto the Beijing-Tianjin Highway.Because this is a concrete road, the car does not bump so badly, and we drive from Keage through Yamashina and go straight to Otsu.The car turned the corner from Hamaotsu and began to drive along the lake, with the beautiful peaks of Mt. Hira in front of it.Ah, Mount Bira!I shouted in my heart.When I came out of the house and hailed a taxi, I said I was coming to Kentian almost unconsciously.However, the split-second actions I took didn't go off the rails.I really want to see Lake Biwa and Mount Hira.I want to stand in the corridor of the living room of Reihokan and enjoy the peaceful lake surface of Lake Biwa and Mount Hira on the other side of Lake Biwa alone.
The first time I saw Mount Bira was when I was twenty-five years old.Oh, by the way, it was a few years earlier than that, when I was in my first high school.At that time, I saw Mt. Hira on the front page of a photo magazine that was sold at the time.I saw it in my hotel in Hongo. The girl in that house was holding a magazine. I picked it up by accident and opened it. The first page of the book was a photo of "Heather Flowers on Mount Biliang". Published in the popular purple color printing at that time.
I still clearly remember that the photo was taken on the top of the Bira Mountains, and a part of the mirror-like lake can be seen at the far foot of the mountain. The alpine plants-beautiful heather communities are like flower beds, covering the steep slopes with exposed rocks On, dazzling.I looked at the photo and was amazed for some reason.Although I didn't know why I was shocked, but no matter what, I felt an indescribable stimulation in my heart, like smelling the volatilization of ether.So, I looked at the photo of the heather on Mt. Hira again.
Just in the corner of the same page, circled, describes the small steamboats that shuttled among the lakeside tribes several times a day and back.I thought at the time that someday I would ride in that little steamboat.Looking up at the ridge of Mt. Hira that stands in front of you, climb to the corner of the mountain in the photo.For some reason it seemed to me that this day was destined for me.It will come, it will come!Are you sure?In any case, it is an exceptionally strong belief.
I think that if this day comes, I may feel very lonely and desolate when I climb Mt.How would you feel then?Call it unbearable, disturbing, unintelligible to whom to tell?Oh yes!There is a convenient word to replace it, and that is loneliness.Call it despair.Lonely, hopeless, yes, that is such a mood.I hate such frivolous and witty words, but I seem to feel that these words are the most appropriate to express my feelings at that time.In those days of loneliness and despair, I am afraid that I will climb to the top of Mount Bira, where the heather is in full bloom, and rest in peace under the fragrant and white heather alone.This day will come to me, it will come!Thinking about it now, this is an incomprehensible negative feeling, but at that time, this feeling came to my heart very naturally. Speaking of which, it was at that time that I first knew and became interested in Bi Liangshan.
Years later, I had the opportunity to see the real Mt. Hira with my own eyes, not the Mt. Hira in the photos.I was twenty-five years old at the time, and it was the second year of my graduation from the University of Tokyo, that is, the end of the year when I went to Okayama as a lecturer in medical school, which should be the twenty-ninth year of Meiji.At that time, I was under the entanglement of death.In the eyes of the world, everyone had the idea of committing suicide when they were young.Keisuke died so vaguely at the age of twenty-five.If he passed this hurdle, he would live a few decades longer in a dignified way.The indecisive guy just died like that.No, the Grim Reaper who haunted Keisuke might be more difficult to deal with and has a worse temper than the one who pestered me.Anyway, he's a stupid fellow, and yet there's something pitiful about it, if he's alive... stupid, stupid, nonsensical fellow, alas!I get angry just thinking about him.
The Grim Reaper haunting me at the age of twenty-five is, at least unlike Keisuke's, something more innocent.I was troubled by the meaning of my existence and wanted to die.At that time, my life and career—the subject of soft anthropology—had not yet grown in my heart. To put it bluntly, my heart was full of loopholes.Although I am engaged in natural science, I am filled with philosophy and religion.Fujimura committed himself to Kegon Falls just a few years after I committed suicide.At that time, those who engaged in philosophy and religion were once entangled by the god of death.The truth of all things, in short: the incomprehensible.We are living in incredible times of serious exploration.The period at the end of the Meiji period was a wonderful time for young Japanese to meditate and consider life and death.
As soon as the school in Okayama was on winter vacation, I took a copy and went straight to Kyoto to hide in the towering Tenryuji Temple.Under the guidance of old monk G, I learned Zen practice as a layman.In those days, I had to do night meditation every day, sitting in the corridor of the main hall late at night.Sometimes, I also came to the Caoyuan Pond covered with thin ice behind the main hall, and sat in meditation on the rocks beside the pool.By the time it was over, I was staggering.Now that I think about it, the reason is nothing but my extreme neurasthenia caused by malnutrition, fatigue and lack of sleep.
Laba pick-up is over.That morning, as soon as the Enlightenment Meeting was over, I immediately walked out of Tenryuji Temple and headed for Otsu.Because I came out as soon as the Enlightenment Meeting was over, it was probably around eight o'clock.It was a cold morning, and the ears and the tip of the nose were frozen.There are pine stumps everywhere in the temple, and the stumps are thinly covered with white snow.Even in Saga, such cold weather is rare.Wearing the cotton clothes of a traveling monk and wearing a pair of wooden clogs with my bare feet, I set off from Saga, passed through Kitano and walked into the streets of Kyoto, and then took Yamashina to Otsu.I didn't stop and walked in a hurry on the Beijing-Tianjin Highway that I drove by today.I still remember feeling hungry as I walked past Kandai's unagi shop in Yamashina while the snow was falling.
Why go to Otsu?I can't remember what happened at that time.It would be a bit far-fetched to say that I was drawn to Mt. Hirayama involuntarily because I remembered the one I saw in a pictorial magazine a few years ago.At that time, I probably went to Lake Biwa to seek a place to be buried, or maybe like a somnambulist, I staggered to the shore of Lake Biwa, looking at the lake and suddenly thought of suicide.
It was a cold day, and I walked to Otsu.Take the road to the west.I walked west along the shore of the lake.The god of death is with me, and to my right is a wide lake without any ripples. Among the withered reeds by the lake, wild ducks can be seen flying away in groups from time to time.
Ruishan appeared before his eyes.In its far left front, I saw the continuous mountain peaks, covered with white snow, towering majestically in an eye-catching posture.On the way, I once saw the Saga Mountains covered by sparse forests, and the outline of their peaks showed gentle undulating curves.But the mountain peaks I see now, with their austere and strange beauty, are not like the compatriots of Mount Saga.On the way, I asked a passing businessman and knew that it was Biliang Mountain. I stopped from time to time and looked at Biliang Mountain in the distance.Death is watching with me.The beauty of Mount Biliang is sacred and solemn, and the peaks are connected in a meandering way.When Mt. Biliang was shown in front of me for the first time, I couldn't help but see God.
I managed to reach the Ukimido in Katada, and it was already dusk.Throughout the day, snowflakes only fell occasionally for a while, but from then on, they rose up in a serious manner, endlessly, densely packed, filling the entire sky.I stood under the eaves of Ukimido for a long time.The surface of the lake has completely disappeared from my field of vision.I reached out my frozen hands and took out my wallet from my rucksack.I opened my wallet to see a five-dollar bill.Holding on to the five yuan, I left Fumidang and came to a hotel by the lake.Although this hotel looks big, it always feels a bit like an inn.I stepped into the spacious room.This is the Lingfeng Hall.
The boss is a middle-aged man with a shaved head.He is heating the tent.I stood in the dirt room, handed him five yuan, and said that I would stay here for a night.He said the rent can be paid tomorrow, but I forced him the money.As a result, he looked at me intently with a puzzled expression, but his demeanor soon became attentive.Fifteen or sixteen-year-old maids brought hot water.I sat on the door frame of the back room, lifted the hem of my clothes, and dipped my feet, which were red with cold and lost feeling, into the hot water basin. Only then did I regain my senses.I was ushered into the finest drawing-room of the hotel.At this time, it was dark, and it was time to light the lamps. I didn't say a word, and ate dinner under the care of the proprietress, and then I sat up and meditated with my back to the alcove.I have already made up my mind at this time, and I am ready to jump off the cliff next to Fumido tomorrow morning.Can my five-foot body sink quietly to the bottom of the lake like a stone falling into the water?I am deeply disturbed.I imagined my body lying at the bottom of the lake, imagining a man dying there, a great death.
The night here is quiet, no less than the meditation hall of Tenryuji Temple.The night was cold, and every movement of the body felt stinging.I meditate here for hours on end.When dawn approached, I woke up suddenly, feeling quite tired physically.I lifted my zazen, went to the bathroom, and lay down.There was a bed in the corner of the room, but I didn't touch it. I just pillowed my arms on the tatami and planned to sleep for an hour or two before dawn.
Suddenly, there was a scream of "ga", as if the throat was torn.It must be the cry of a night bird.I raised my head, and the surroundings were still as dead silent as before.I was about to fall asleep again when there was another "crack".I think the place where the sound came from seems to be under the corridor next to the pillow.I stood up, lit the paper lanterns, went to the corridor, and opened a rain window.You can't see your fingers outside, the light of the lantern can only shine near the eaves, and in the space where the light reaches, you can see fine snowflakes falling continuously.When I leaned out of the railing and peeped down, there was another "crack", this time louder than before, and it rang in front of me.Just after the cry, a bird flew up from the shore of the lake under the eaves, flapping its wings violently and passing by.Although it can't be seen, it can feel strong power from the sound of its wings flapping.Birds fly into the night with snow falling on the lake.I stood there for a long time almost in awe.
Is this life force?In any case, I was astonished by the amazing vitality possessed by a night bird.At this very moment Death left me.
I finally did not die.The next day, I braved the heavy snow and returned to Kyoto on foot.
The second time I watched Mt. Biliang in Katada, because it was when Keisuke had an accident, so it was the unforgettable autumn of the fifteenth year of Taisho.
Since I became the dean of the medical department of Q University in this year, I am fifty-five years old this year.From this time to the time when I was sixty years old and left university due to retirement, in my opinion, it was the period with the most unpleasant things in my life.First, Keisuke had an accident, Misa passed away the following year, and then Hiroyuki got married and Kyoko got married.Then Dingguang turned to the left. On the other hand, I was not happy. During my tenure as the dean of the medical department, I always played the role of a senior handyman, interrupted important research work, and lived an endlessly restless life.
The Keisuke incident can be described as a bolt from the blue. Q University notified Meisha to visit the school. It is said that Keisuke was expelled from school because of women's problems.I listened to Meisha-narration in the study, I almost doubted my ears.Keisuke has been weak-willed since he was a child, and his academic performance is often below the middle level, so he stepped into the not-so-reputable Q University.But in his character, there is a simplicity and kindness that other children don't have. I always thought that his conduct was extremely decent.This matter also depends on the character of the other party. The other party is an eighteen-year-old waitress of unknown origin, and Keisuke actually did a goddamn trick to get her pregnant.
I wanted to verify the authenticity of this matter, so I opened the evening paper of that day, but the newspaper still published the bad behavior of Keisuke that I didn't know about, and said that his father lived in the dean's house of Q University. Although the newspaper used a fake name for an important position in the education field, it was clear at a glance that it was referring to me.In this way, it doesn't matter if I lose face as an educator, because I don't think I am an educator, I am just a scholar.However, Keisuke is my child. As a father, I really feel sorry for him for his misdeeds that a student should not do.A few years later, Dingguang had a left-leaning problem, which made me feel very troublesome, but there is still a solution to this problem, but Keisuke's problem is not, and there is no comfort in it.
That night, I didn't step out of the study.After dark, Keisuke seemed to be returning home, and voices were heard from the tea room.I soon figured out that it was Keisuke talking coquettishly to Meisha.I listened intently, Keisuke seemed to be eating, and the sound of tableware was ringing.
I walked out of the study, walked along the corridor, and opened the sliding door of the tea room.Keisuke sat cross-legged and unbuttoned all the buttons of his school uniform, revealing his white collar.He was having a meal with Misa serving him.Seeing this scene, I flew into a rage.
"Get out! We don't want things like you at home."
Keisuke straightened his posture, lowered his naturally gentle eyes, and sat respectfully.
"Get out!" I ordered.
Keisuke stood up obediently, walked to the corridor, then went up to the second floor, and went back to his room.
I never thought that Keisuke would run away from home.At nine o'clock, Meisha went upstairs to take a look, and Keisuke had disappeared without a trace.
From the second day onwards, Meisha became so worried that she couldn't even eat.I hardly mind though, because I'm sure, he'll be back soon, he's such a wimp.
Meisha seemed to have investigated somewhere, and said that the young waitress was difficult to deal with, her skills were beyond her age, she had given birth to children before, and Keisuke was completely at her mercy.I said, whether you are cheating others or being cheated yourself, the outcome is the same.
Sure enough, as I expected, Keisuke called home on the third day after he left.I knew this by accident. At that time, I was looking for old medical journals in the library next door to the telephone booth. I heard Hiroyuki whispering in the telephone booth. I thought it was very strange.Hiroyuki walked out of the phone booth and chatted with Misa in the corridor.I stepped forward and asked, "Is it Keisuke calling just now?" The two of them didn't answer, but after a while, Hiroyuki replied, "Yes."It seemed they were trying to hide it from me.When I asked, I found out that Keisuke was staying with the troublesome woman at the lakeside hotel in Sakamoto, and he asked Hiroyuki to bring the money to the hotel.
In the afternoon of the next day, categorically ignoring Misa's worries, I set off by car to meet Keisuke at the lakeside hotel.I went to the information desk of the hotel and asked the clerk to call Keisuke out.After a while, a short-haired girl appeared on the luxurious staircase in front.She clattered down with her slippers on.She wears a kimono made of silk or other material with a red sash.Is it disheveled?Still childish?In any case, her figure was odd.She had just walked down half a flight of stairs when my sight met her. She suddenly changed her demeanor and stared at me with a pair of big watery eyes.Then she turned around and ran up to the second floor.She was as quick as a squirrel, not at all like a pregnant woman.
After a while, Keisuke came downstairs with a gloomy expression.We came to the reception room downstairs and sat opposite each other across the table.I handed the wallet to Keisuke, which contained the money he asked for.
“你今天必须回去，暂时一步也不许走出家门，不准你再和这个女人相会。你妈妈早晚要去见她的。”我说道。
“不过……”启介左右为难地说。
“现在就回家。”我见他那副样子，又说道。
于是，启介说让他考虑考虑，明天再谈，我不由得怒火中烧，浑身直哆嗦。这天饭店象是在举行婚礼，几个衣冠楚楚的男女站在我们周围，他们都用好奇的目光看着我们，所以我站起身来，说道：
“那好，你是要那个下贱女人，还是要你的父亲，明天回答我。”说罢，我不等他答话又用命令的口吻说：“明天中午以前，到坚田的灵峰馆来找我！”
“是。”启介老实地回答说，“对不起。”说完就上二楼去了。
我请求办事员给离此地不远的坚田的灵峰馆打去电话，然后乘车来到阔别三十年的这家旅馆。由于启介的事件，我感到身心疲惫。因为第二天正好是星期日，所以想充分休息一下。
旅馆老板来到客房跟我寒暄。三十年过去了，他已是老态龙钟。当我们面对面谈话时，我不禁想起他昔日的模样。我从这里给家里打去电话，把事情简单地告诉了美沙。我独自度过这既不读书也不写字的寂寞的夜晚，这种时光我已有多年未曾享受了。我没能吃到火锅野鸭，因为离野鸭上市还差些时候，不过鱼在湖里是捕得到的，油炸鱼也不失为一种佳肴。这天夜里我酣然入睡。
第二天早上十点，我正要吃晚开的早餐，京都的家里打来电话。电话里传来美沙异乎寻常的声音。
“饭店刚才来通知，说启介他们今天早上投琵琶湖自杀了。你赶快到饭店去看看吧。家里，也立刻去人。”
我愕然了。我想，这混帐东西干了什么呀！启介竟要那女人而抛弃了我。这也无妨，不过，我一想到他以情死这一别有用心的行为，来回答我这个作父亲的，我就无法忍受。
我终于没去饭店。
到下午三点左右，弘之来到我住的旅馆。当时，我正坐在走廊的椅子上，我一回头，看见弘之显出严峻苍白的面容，正在直眉瞪眼地看着我。
“爸爸不可怜哥哥吗？”
“当然可怜。我可怜他愚蠢”。
“哥哥他们的尸体还没有找到。有很多人帮忙。我们也得考虑人家的情面，请爸爸到饭店去看看。”
弘之说完，不客气地一转身，回去了。他只是为了说这番话，才到我这里来的。
过了一小时左右，美沙、京子和京子的未婚夫高津来了。美沙一进屋，就奔到我跟前，想要趴在我膝上，但她又倏然转身，走到角落里，长时间呆在那里，一动也不动。我心里很清楚，她是不想哭出声来。
“天黑前捞上来就好了。”高津说道，他是在说启介他们的尸体。
在这种场合，我对高律的出现深感不快。我本来就不赞成京子和高津订婚。他父亲高津文四郎作为一个实业家，在大阪是数一数二的，但他终归是个没有教养的暴发户，根本就不把学者放在眼里。我对他这种目中无人的傲慢态度，打心底里讨厌。我们初次见面时，他声言可以给我掏出版费。美沙和孩子们曾到他家去过一次，这些人简直拜倒在金钱的威力之下，说他家住宅如何宽敞，客厅如何豪华，还谈论他家在八濑和宝冢的别墅如何，说来道去，骤然间活跃了家庭气氛。我对此感到不愉快。
再者，虽说他儿子高津曾在法国留学三年，却只能谈淡。他不读书但也不喝酒，明明对绘画一窍不通，却到处去看画，碌碌无为地消磨时光。从人家还没答应把女儿嫁给他的时候起，他就不管下雨还是下雪，每逢周末就到家里来玩儿。他这个人超越了我所能理解的范围。当我反对这桩婚事时，京子首先哭哭涕涕。这对我来说，也是颇出乎意料的事情。对美沙和孩子们的思想情况，我都摸了底，他们都赞成京子和高津结婚。家中除我之外，他们对高津的印象都很好，启介也好，弘之也罢，对学问都不感兴趣，定光就更不用说了。所以我想，至少该把京子嫁给一个献身学问的正气凛然的学者。然而事到如今，我不得不死了这份心思。
这些暂且不说，在婚礼举行之前，在三池家里发生大事的时候，高津满不在乎地出头露面，我是不高兴的。
“把你妈妈一个人留下来，京子你回饭店去。”我说道。
京子和高津叫旅馆备好盒饭，吵吵嚷嚷叫来小汽车，两人扬长而去。这只能叫我以为，他们俩是来玩耍的。
他们俩走后，房间安静下来，我本想对美沙说几句温存的话，但冲口而出的竟是叱责的言语。
“启介走到这种地步，你也有罪过。都是你娇惯的结果。这是报应！”
美沙象死了一般俯伏着。
“不论弘之还是京子，孩子们都不成器。我再也不能忍耐下去了！”
听了这话，美沙仰起脸来，摇摇晃晃地站起身。她刚走到走廊，就用一只手按住太阳穴，身子靠在房柱上，之后，朝我扭过脸来。美沙就这么静静地注视着我的眼睛，她象这样看我是空前绝后的。接着，美沙象倾倒一样一下子坐在走廊上。
“你你也有一半罪过。你给孩子们做了什么呢？”
之后，这个平素沉默寡言的女人，突然喋喋不休地唠叨起来，使人觉得她有点异乎寻常。
“孩子们小的时候，你一直在德国留学。本来应该留学三年，你却呆了八年。后来的五年，你不给文部省和家里一点儿音信。那些年里，我们茹苦含辛地生活，你是想象不到的。”
美沙说的一点不错。我那时省吃俭用，把三年的留学费用了八年。头脑里根本没有妻室儿女和家庭的概念。我住在廉价的公寓，一边啃着黑面包，一边—心一意地攀登学问的山峰，那有如阿尔卑斯山一样高的山峰。
“研究，研究，连星期天和节假日都没有。”美沙又这样说道：“一有闲功夫就摆弄死尸。一进家门就说死尸臭气熏人，要喝酒解腻。喝酒时哪怕说句笑话也好啊，可你却边喝边写德语。你究竟给孩子们做了什么呢？你从未看过学校送来的成绩通知书，也没带孩子们去过动物园。我和孩子们成了你做学问的牺牲品。”
在长期贫困的生活中，美沙从不讲究穿戴，始终帮助我从事研究。她今天如此反抗，也是令我感到意外的。
“别说了！我把自己也牺牲了。”我开口说道，我不愿意再听美沙继续发牢骚。
我坐在走廊的藤椅上，就象早晨起床后坐几小时那样，又呆呆地望起比良山来。我把视线离开湖面，再次投向彼岸的比良山。十月的比良山披着深秋的色彩，巍然屹立，静静地扩展，象要把我包围似的。
“我到饭店那边去。昨天，不知你说了些什么，那孩子一定憎恨他的父母，是含恨死去的。”
美沙的口气冷若冰霜。她说完，就立刻站起身来。泪腺或许干枯了，她没有眼泪，脸面光润。她披上披肩，把东西收拾好，随即一转身背过脸去，就这样走出了房间，好象永远不再回到我身旁似的。
不可言状的难以忍受的寂寞感向我袭来。那么好吧！我站起身来，但又坐了下去。什么好不好的，我也不知道。
我把旅馆老板叫来，要了一个杂记本，想打个信稿，准备给几年都不曾想到的谷尾海月写封信。谷尾海月既不是解剖学家，也不是人类学家。我在德国的斯特拉斯贝尔格留学七年，在朔尔贝先生的指导下主要研究儿斑(小孩青痣)，同时为毕生事业——软部人类学打基础。此后的一年中，我在荷兰的莱登博物馆里，测定约一千个菲律宾人的头盖骨，这在我的事业中是顺手牵羊的工作。就在这莱登时代，我在一家日本女人经营的小酒馆里与谷尾海月相识，那家小酒馆当时是日本学者聚集的地方。
他比我稍大一些，是个与众不同的僧侣。也就是在莱登博物馆里，他一直从事梵文的研究。用酒仙一词形容他是最恰当不过的。我喜欢他那悠然自得的饮酒风度。不管他怎样喝酒，他头脑里也只装有研究的事。我不知道他研究的是什么东西，他当然也不知道我研究的是什么东西。但是，我们两人情投意合，都懂得学问的宝贵。两人作为学者尊重彼此的人格，在这方面我们是肝胆相照的。在我离开莱登的时候，谷尾海月想把自己最好的东西，作为礼物赠与我。他问我希望什么，我说：“你死后，让我解剖你的尸体。”
海月当场提笔，在八裁纸上写下遗言，“我愿将尸体送给解剖学家三池俊太郎。”他给自己和我各写了一份，并在自己那一份上面写道：“亲属不可相争。”
大正元年，我和海月在莱登博物馆门口告别。自那以后，我再也没有见到他。但是我听说，他比我晚几年回国，在信浓的小寺院里当住持，如今依然健在。倘若到大学的佛教学教研室去打听，隐居的老佛教学者谷尾海月的地址会知道的。
我想借给海月写信，来消磨今天这个日子。我仿佛觉得，在当今的世上，我解剖他的尸体的那一诺言，是唯一可以称为诺言的诺言。除此之外，任何人与人之间的交往，人与人之间的关系，都是不可信赖的。
然而，我提起笔来，却不知从哪儿写起才是，而且今日今时，相隔几十年光景，对海月深厚的人间信爱之情滔滔不绝，炽热地涌上心头，这究竟是怎样的一种情感，我觉得很难表达出来。
我将笔放下，抬起头来，沐浴秋天的湖面夕阳，辉映着美丽的光焰。在遥远的东边的湖面上，静静地漂浮着几十艘小艇，宛如片片落叶，我想，那浮在湖上的许多小艇，可能是在寻找启介和那个少女的尸体。是的，那个和启介一起自杀的女人，也就是我在湖畔饭店的楼梯上看见的那个女人，不管怎样，我也只认为她是个少女。
结果，我没有给海月写信，只是仰身倒在走廊的藤椅上，面对湖面，思绪缭绕。天黑以后，我回到屋里，端坐于桌前。我不时地站起来，踱到走廊上，看看对过的湖面。那里有几十只小船掌起小小的灯火，那灯火就象装饰灯一样不摇不晃，直到深夜还在同样的位置上闪烁。
我第三次、也就是上一次观赏比良山，是在日本迄今为止最黑暗的时代。那个时期，我的心，社会上所有人的心，都被毫无希望的黑暗笼罩着。
空袭时时都可能降临。报纸和电台大肆宣传，动员人们疏散。战局每况愈下，暗谈的明天压在全体日本人的头上。就在这样一个昭和十九年的春天，我被春子最小的妹妹——在女子学校五年级念书的敦子带着，曾经到坚田来过。从启介自杀到此时为止，近二十年的岁月流逝而去。
当时，我和女佣一起生活，住在京都吉田的家中，那年正月，弘之调到金泽支店工作，春子和四个孩子也一起离开京都，把家搬到金泽去了。虽说这是工作调动，但就弘之的情况而言，他是为躲避空袭才自愿到乡下落户的。弘之有四个孩子，其中大的才十一岁。对这么一个弘之来讲，他采取这种行动，可以说是理所当然的。
弘之和春子都好象为我感到不安，不愿把我这个老人独自留在京都。他们再三再四劝我与他们同行，可我没有听他们的劝说。他们似乎以为我这个老人顽固，其实不然。我是珍重自己工作的。不管谁说什么，我一步也不离开自己的书房。
弘之说有了生命才有研究，但对我来说，是有了研究才有生命。在我看来，事业就是一切。离开大学，我那事业就不能完成。我必须去解剖学教研室，大学的图书馆也罢，研究室也罢，都是和我的事业分不开的。如果弃离京都这块土地，我将一事无成。
弘之说有了生命才有研究，而七十三岁的我的心情更是迫切。那时候，每天早晨当我想要工作，坐在桌前时，我的眼帘便浮现出自己的血管。我知道我的血管所处的状态，倘若用手指一捏，立刻就会象饼干一样捏得粉碎。撇开战争不谈，我也正在与自己的生命竞争。我的心情是，多活一天就多赚一天。即使工作进展顺利，也需要我活到九十三岁，否则，《日本人动脉系统》就写不完了。所以对我来说，完成这项工作终归是没有指望的。但是，我至少能多写一些，写一章是一章。因此，我准备把书分成几个分册，逐次印刷，决定先将脱稿的部分送往印刷厂。但是我面临的问题却是，不知印刷厂几时会倒闭。
再说，即使吉星高照，我的书能出版几册，但将其送往国外的途径，可以说给完全堵死了。我曾经以为，通过德国住神户的领事馆的斡旋，送往去好歹能行得通。然而就欧洲的战局来看，我这最后一线希望也行将落空。
那个时候，我伏案疾书，珍惜每一寸光阴。只要能写就行，写好后总会有办法的吧。在我弃离人世之后，经过几年或几十年，我的工作定会通过某种途径，博得世界上学术界的正确评价，会成为一块永垂不朽的丰碑，而且，将有为数众多的学者继承我的事业，终究会完成软部人类学的伟业。我如此思忖，如此笃信，于是鞭策自己。
但是就在那个时候，我常常梦见这样的情景：我的书稿被火焰吞噬，熊熊地燃烧起来，与缭绕的青烟一同升上高空。每逢这种时候，我就从梦中惊醒过来，眼角儿淌着泪水。
当时，大学附近有一家小小的旧书店，我实在不愿意从它门前走过。因为我知道，有一捆有关京都地志的草稿，覆满尘埃，高高地堆放在这家书店的角落里。我不知道那部草稿是由何人写就的，但那是用毛笔精心精意地眷写在日本纸上的。我也不知道其内容具有何等价值，但我察觉到，那好歹是某人孜孜不倦地倾注巨大努力的结晶。经过近三年的时间，那部草稿照样用细绳捆着，照样放在原来的地方。我由此想象我那《日本人动脉系统》的草稿，也会遭到与京都地志草稿同样的命运，连同几百张图版被搁置起来。我一想到这里，就涌起实在难以忍受的心情。每当我从那家书店门前走过，往往想到我的事业可能带有的黑暗的命运，不禁黯然神伤。
那个时候，每逢星期天，春子的妹妹敦子就从芦屋赶来。她大概是想安慰我这个独自工作的老人，她每次来到家里，总是从手绢里取出她自己烤制的面包，或掏出两三个当时很难得到的苹果，整整齐齐地排列起来，放在我的桌子上。
我不知为何，总觉得喜欢敦子这个十七岁的姑娘。她与嗜好浮华的姐姐春子不同，是个有点娴雅而又纯朴、明朗的少女。我对孙子们往往感觉不到亲爱之情，唯独对这个毫无血缘关系的敦子，格外地感到一种温暖的骨肉之情。不知为什么，敦子好象也喜欢我这个老头。
那一天，我在庭院里散步。平素，我总是吃过早饭就投入工作，那一天则不然。我在庭院里胡乱地走来走去。阳春时节，午前的阳光透过树丛，明晃晃地洒在地上。我的心说不上是愤懑还是寂寞，被冷漠与暴躁的感情攫住了。为了使感情沉静下来，我只得在庭院里来回踱步。
我之所以产生这种感情，是因为当天的报纸。报纸大肆报道颁发文化勋章的事，将勋章获得者公布于众。六名获得者来自自然科学和人文科学两个领域，作为学者的最高荣誉，国家授予他们文化勋章。
我看了一会儿他们的照片，他们列成一排，胸前佩戴着勋章。what!我也想获得这样一枚勋章，受到这样的表彰，象这样宣扬业绩，象这样博得国家和国民的尊敬、关心与理解。在过去的年月，我从未羡慕过物质与名声，然而唯独在今时，我也想要得到这世间的荣誉，将其载在我瘦骨嶙峋的肩上。
我的事业和他们的事业相比，难道不更加伟大吗？我把报纸放在茶室的餐桌上，回到书房。但是，当我在桌前坐下之后，我又站了起来，走出书房跨进庭院。我觉得，这恐怕是我的毕生事业的结局吧。我的毕生事业难道不值得国家表彰吗？难道我的事业不配得到政府的赞扬，国民的尊敬和国家的保护吗？现在，任何微不足道的荣誉，我都想要得到。任何不足挂齿的名声，我都想抓住不放。
必须让人人胸中铭记三池俊太郎的名字，必须让更多的人知道三池俊太郎的价值。尽管如此，可是我的生命正濒于灭绝，国家行将破败。我那几千张草稿，正葬身于不可预测的黑暗的命运之手。我那毕生的事业，可能得不到任何人的赏识，而化作灰烬。朔尔贝先生啊！我脱口喊出恩师的名字，不禁潸然泪下。
正在这时，从大学办公室打来电话，说明天学校召开庆祝会，祝贺K博士荣获文化勋章。所以，请我在会上代表名誉教授致贺词。I refused.
时隔不到五分钟，医学系教授横谷又打来丁电话，他曾是我教过的学生。为了刚才的事，他再次向我请求。
“我没时间给别人写贺词，”我说道，“我因为自己的工作，必须干的事多着呢。我都这么大年纪了，也许明天就会死去。”
横谷觉得过意不去，就此罢休。
我刚放下话筒，不知是那家报社又打来电话，还是请我就一个文化勋章获得者谈几句话。
“除了自己的工作，我没有任何兴趣，对不起，你来也扫搭。”
我只说了这寥寥数语，便挂上了电话。我想，照这样下去，还会有电话打来，所以，我把话筒摘了下来。
我又走到庭院。我在庭院里来回转悠，无缘无故地感到愤懑、悲伤和孤独。正在这时，敦子从沿着中院种植的树丛中钻了出来。她上穿水兵服，下穿扎腿裤，脸上挂着纯真无那的笑容，简直象花一样(我当时真是这样想的)。她把为数不多的食物放在走廊上，说那是家里托她捎来的。
“大伯，咱们去琵琶湖怎么样？”她说道。
“琵琶湖？”她这突如其来的提议，使我感到愕然。
“走吧，我想去坐坐船。”
虽说是在战火纷飞的时候，但春天的温暖阳光，仿佛使这个妙龄女郎格外爽朗快活。当时，我对敦子前提议居然毫不反对，连自己也觉得不可思议。
“好吧，那就带我去琵琶湖看看吧。”我回答说。今天我所能做到的，至少是顺从敦子的指点，这个少女走到哪里我就跟到哪里，不过如此而已。老实说，我的心情就是这样的。
我们来到三条的京津电车的站台，让过好几趟电车，才等来有空座位的电车。我们上了车，直奔大津。自启介事件以来，我几乎有二十年没见琵琶湖了。我在大学任职期间以及后来的时间里，因宴会或别的事情曾有几次来大津的机会。但是，自启分事件以来，我不愿再看见琵琵湖，总是避免到这儿来。
然而，我被敦子带着，到琵琶湖来一看，单单是琵琶湖的美色，就已撩动我的心弦。岁月的流逝，实在令人惊奇，不知不觉，启介事件在我心中留下的创伤，已经痊愈。琵琵湖的上空悬挂着正午的太阳，湖面上映着辉光，就象撒下一片片小小的鱼鳞。敦子说要来乘游艇，的确，小船和游艇在湖上到处可见，仿佛唯独此处没有战争的阴影。
比良山，夹着琵琶湖，屹立在对面。触景生情，我忽然想到坚田去。正巧，朝坚田方向去的汽船驶过来了，我说服敦子登上了汽船。
大约半小时后，汽船抵达坚田，我们两人在灵峰馆歇了下来。那天，灵峰馆的家人不在，家中只有一个举止简慢的女招待。走廊的玻璃窗破了，当时哪儿的旅馆都是这样的，整个宅子都很荒凉。
我们走出灵峰馆，来到船码头附近。敦子叫我登上游艇，我乘坐游艇这是第一次。敦子从租船处借来坐垫，铺在我身下，然后拉过我的手说：“手抓在这儿”说着，把我的手按在船帮上。
湖面上一只船也没有。我们两人乘上游艇，悄然无声地在湖上滑行。敦子挺起胸脯，握桨操船，额头上沁出了汗水。
“大伯，愉快吗？”敦子问道。
船桨击起的水花落在我的脸上。我寄身于这极不安全的一叶小舟之上，心情未必舒适。但我还是回答说：“啊，真痛快！”然而，我严厉禁止游艇远离岸边。
从湖上望去，湖岸樱花盛开，一片四月的阳春风光，没有一点儿腥味，飘散着丝丝凉意。
就在游艇附近，一条鱼跃出水面，“呀，鱼！”敦子睁大眼睛，频频用力摇桨，朝鱼跃出的地方划去。我注视着敦子的一举一动，忽然，我想起同启介一块自杀的那个少女，那是在二十年前在湖畔饭店的楼梯上一晃而去的少女，那个前前后后我仅只见过一次的少女。那个少女的影象，在敦子身上再现了。一瞬间，敦子和那个少女的影象重叠交错，混为一体，我感到一种晕眩。我这种感觉的来由，是敦子在鱼跃出湖面时表露出的少女那种惊讶表情，或许是她那划艇时的敏捷动作。那个少女可能是与敦子一样的少女。我对那个夺走启介的少女，没感觉到丝毫的憎恨。我意识到，自己对她产生了一种类乎爱情的情感。这种情感，对启介也从未有过。
游艇的周围淹没在湖水里，我凝视着湖水，这湖水曾经吞噬过启介和那个少女的性命。我把手伸出去浸在水中。湖水比我原来估计的要凉，冰凉的湖水从老人干瘪的五指中间缓缓流过。
敦子早已去世了，是战后的斑疹伤寒夺走了她的生命。美沙也死了。我曾经讨厌的京子的公公高津文四郎也一命归天。谷尾海月也在战争结束那一年离开了人间。好人坏人都没了。
在海月死的时候，就解剖尸体一事，谷尾的家人从信浓来询问过。从这一点看来，海月五十年前和我许诺，是出自真心实意。但是，因为时运不济，我无论如何也难做到。结果，我没能实现我和海月在莱登许下的诺言。
风从湖面吹来。或许是夜幕降临的缘故，我感到风寒刺骨。脖梗和膝头格外冰凉。虽说现在是五月，却使人想穿上毛衣或丝棉衣服。今天，我的耳朵轰鸣格外厉害，简直象猎猎风声。实际上，风的确刮得很猛。
这时候，因为我的失踪，家里一定会折腾不休吧。让他们各自去揣摩好啦。说不定大学的横谷和杉山已接到告急，以为这恩师的是一件大事，都拥进家来，做出老老实实的神态。横谷和杉山作为大学教授，如今名望都很高。但是，我那作为学者的性格，他们一点也没继承下来。关于我工作的价值，他们丝毫没从本质上理解。他们一见我面，就连声招呼我“三池先生，三池先生，”如此恭维。恭维人不算本事。在我面前称我“老，老先生”，可在我背后，却叫我“老头儿，老头儿”吧？我总觉得是这么回事。我心里知道，他们两人在战争期间，不是搞大学疏散工作，就是从事学生动员工作，完全脱离了研究事业。当时我虽不管不问，但我似乎觉得，我着透了他们两人所谓学者的灵魂，我为此感到寒心。所谓学究绝非这样的人。
我望着租船处的粗陋的栈桥，那是我和敦子曾经乘坐游艇的地方，只有那里荡漾着小小的涟漪。我再仔细一瞧，湖面上也滚着波浪。租船上的白旗随风飘扬。旗子到现在还没收起来，好象被人遗忘了。我一见该收起来的东西没收起来，就心病复发，不禁悻然。我的脾气本来不是这样，似乎是家人把我弄成这样的。春子把衣服晾在外面，我从书房是看得见的，我若不说几遍，她是不会收进来的。弘之把贴好邮票的邮件放在桌上，一忘就是好几天。京子和定光也有责任。不仅是家人，研究室的同事也是如此。我委托他们写关于淋巴腺的简短报告，时间过去一年，拿着报告到我这儿来的，不只是一个最年轻的研究生吗？
what!我什么都不愿去想。想来想去会搞得身心疲惫。除了《日本人动脉系统》之外，我什么都不愿去想。今天这一整天的时光，让毫无价值的事情给断送了。不过，天黑以后，必须把一天的工作挽回来。工作，工作，老学究三池俊太郎只要一息尚存，就必须工作。到今天深夜为止，要把第九章的图版说明写出来。说明写不出来，至少也得写上标题。是的，请女招待把酒端来。写完之后，在睡觉前喝上几盅。拿四两好酒来，把酒壶好好洗一下。以前一小时干完的工作，现在我需要干一天，有时甚至要干上两、三天。衰老是多么令人畏惧！
五十年前，就在这间屋里，我曾一心想着死。年轻时是无欲的。但在如今，我想延年益寿，哪怕多活一天也好。朔尔贝先生和东京的山冈教授也死了，他们都没活到头吧。他们意欲工作，也想多活一天吧。就连谷尾海月也是如此。他曾抱有编写梵文辞典的大志，但他终究没有如愿。然而，所谓宗教家，一涉及到生死问题，也许自然有所不同了。不过，海月绝对不是宗教家，他是一位学者。正因为他是学者当中的一员，我才喜欢他！海月也没活到头。说是悟道，但归根结底，悟道不过是懒惰者的装模作样的念佛。人只要一息尚存，就必须工作。除去工作之外，人生下来有何意义呢？难道人生下来是为了晒太阳吗？难道人生下来是为了贪图幸福吗？
今天，我想看比良山，忍不住要观赏比良山。那时，