Chapter 63 The second problem is on yourself

On Sunday, we do the laundry as usual.After I finished washing the clothes, it happened to be the time for cultural and sports activities to start. I was not in the mood to play, so I went to the small library to read a book by myself.As soon as I sat down, I heard someone outside talking: "...you don't play tennis?" "I don't know how to fight. If you ask Puyi, he will fight." "He can beat but can't. His clothes will be washed in one lifetime!" "He washes a lot faster these days." "I don't believe it!" This is so annoying.I obviously finished washing the clothes, and I washed no less than them, but some people still don't believe it, as if I can't make any progress by nature.

I found the racket and went into the yard.I don't really want to play ball, but I want people to see if I'm done with the laundry. I went to the court, but I couldn't find the person who was talking just now. It happened that someone else was going to play tennis, so I played a game with him.Some people gathered outside to watch.I played happily and broke out in a sweat. After playing the ball, when washing hands next to the water pipe, I met the director.It is not uncommon to meet the director on Sundays, he often comes to the institute on Sundays. "Puyi, you have made progress today."

"It's been a long time since I played." I was a little proud. "What I'm talking about," he pointed to the clothes on the clothesline, "because of your progress, the time it takes to wash clothes is no more than that of others, so you can enjoy rest and enjoy sports activities like everyone else .” I nodded quickly and walked with him in the yard. "In the past, everyone else took a rest and participated in recreational activities, and you were too busy. You were not equal to others, and you felt wronged. Now that you know how to wash clothes, you have an equal status in this respect, and you feel happy. From this point of view, the crux of the problem still lies with oneself. There is no need to worry about what others will do to you.”

After a while, he smiled again and said: "The Second World War turned you, the 'Emperor', into a prisoner. Now, you have encountered another great war in your mind. This war is to turn the 'Emperor' into an ordinary laborer. You have I have realized the essence of some emperors, but this war is not over yet, and you are not equal to others in your heart. You should understand yourself!" After the director left, I thought about it for a long time.I admitted the first half of the words in my heart: it seems that the problem is indeed with me; but it is difficult for me to admit the second half of the words, am I still putting on the airs of the emperor?

But as long as the first half is admitted, the second half will gradually be understood, because life has answered this question.As the director said, this is an unfinished "war". On this day, our group cleared out the garbage (this kind of labor is already relatively frequent), and when we returned to the house, the life committee criticized us: "After you washed your hands, the water valve was left open, and it kept flowing. This is too irresponsible. Be careful next time." After hearing this, Da Li immediately asked me: "Puyi, you were the last one to wash your hands, right?"

I thought about it, and it was really good. "I probably forgot to close the water gate." "How much do you remember?" "There are times when you don't forget." Someone giggled immediately.One of them was the old man, he asked: "Then, when you still forgot, you still left the water door open a few times." I ignored him.Da Li said to me angrily: "You are not ashamed, and you don't know where this habit came from. You are the emperor's habit in the past. You have never closed the water door by yourself before. You have not even touched the door hinge. Someone else opened the door for you. Close the door for you. When you go in and out of the room now, you just open it and never take the door with you. This is the emperor's airs that have not been put down!"

"I remembered," said the old man, "Sometimes I see you opening the door and pushing the door panel, and sometimes you use newspapers to pad the handle of the door. What does it mean?" "You are afraid of getting dirty, aren't you?" Da Li rushed to say. "Everyone touches that place, isn't it dirty?" Unexpectedly, this sentence caused dissatisfaction among several partners.This one said: "Why don't others think dirty, but you are the only one who thinks dirty?" The other said: "You should pay attention to hygiene, and others deserve it?" This one said: "Do you think the door is dirty, or others?" The other said: "You Is this superior to others? I look down on others in my heart?"...

I had to try my best to argue that I never meant to hate others, but I couldn't help wondering, what did I do?What the hell am I thinking?Why am I different from everyone else?Later, someone mentioned that every time I take a bath, I always jump into the pool first, and when others go down, I come out.Someone mentioned that during the Chinese New Year in the Soviet Union, I always had to eat the first bowl of dumplings first.After hearing these trifles that I never paid attention to, I couldn't help but admit Da Li's analysis: "In a word, I haven't put down my airs yet."

Thinking about it today, Da Li was really a serious teacher at that time.No matter what he thought at the time, his words always reminded me of many truths that I would never think of.I finally had to admit that most of the distress I was experiencing was my own fault. One morning when washing, Da Li told everyone to pay attention not to drip the toothbrush water on the ground, and don't forget to wipe it if it drips.Because today all groups jointly check the sanitation, this is a competition, and points will be deducted for any uncleanliness. I looked down at my feet, my tooth powder dripped a lot.I don't think it's conspicuous, not necessarily a stain.Da Li came over and saw it, and told me to wipe it off.I rubbed it with the sole of my shoe, forget it.

When it was time for the joint inspection of sanitation, the life team leaders of each group and Xiao Rui, the life committee member of the academic committee, conducted inspections room by room, and scored each group according to the standards stipulated by the meeting.When I checked our room, I found a spot of tooth powder that I didn't wipe clean. I thought it was a stain, and points were deducted according to the regulations.Finally, the total scores of each group were compared. Our group’s results were not bad, but Da Li did not forget the stain. He brought a mop and asked me first when he entered the room:

"Why don't you wipe it with a mop?" "did not expect." "Didn't think of it?" he said harshly. "What did you think of? You don't think of anything but yourself! You don't think of the collective at all! You only have rights in your head, no obligations!" Angrily, he picked up the mop, was about to wipe it, changed his mind, put down the mop and said to me: "You should be more conscious! You wipe!" I obeyed his orders. Since North Korea and the Northeast discovered the U.S. germ bombs and the patriotic sanitation campaign was launched across the country, several large-scale activities to eradicate the four evils and improve hygiene have been held regularly in prisons every year.This kind of activity has left me with many deep impressions, one of which is an incident that happened when Da Li and I were fighting flies. He brought some new swatters from outside.There are not enough fly swatters, and many people are vying for a share.I didn't take the initiative to ask for it, but Da Li gave it to me first.This is the first time I hold this thing, it seems a bit special feeling, to be honest, I haven't killed a fly yet! At that time, there were not many flies in the prison. If the standard of "Xinjing" was used, it would be considered extinct.I searched and found one on the frame of the window, which was open, and with a swipe of the fly-swatter, I dislodged it. "What are you doing?" Da Li shouted behind me, "Are you eliminating the four evils or releasing life?" Others might think he was joking, but I actually understood what he meant.I couldn't help blushing, and said unnaturally: "Who will release the life?" But I also wondered in my heart, why did I drive it away? "You don't kill! You're afraid of retribution, aren't you?" He asked me with staring eyes.I feel guilty, but my mouth is strong: "What retribution? The fly ran away by itself!" "Think about it for yourself!" At the review meeting that night, no one paid attention to it at first, but after Da Li’s introduction, people knew the story that I was not allowed to kill flies when I was in Changchun, and I directed everyone to snatch mice from cats’ mouths. up.After the music is over, let's criticize my superstitious thoughts together.I had to accept it in my heart, but I couldn't help but say: "Why am I still superstitious? Didn't I fight last year?" "I remember!" Old Yuan couldn't help laughing, "If you don't mention last year, I still can't remember. I remember that last year you gave up the fly swatter to others, and you took a newspaper and fanned all the flies. You let go!" Among the laughter, only Da Li kept a straight face and said in a very disgusted tone: "What does it mean for others to release life? I dare not say. I understand that you release life. It is completely selfish. In order to get the price, ask the Buddha to bless you. Everyone else can die, but you must protect yourself. Because you look down on yourself. most precious." "You're going too far," I protested. "Puyi sometimes has low self-esteem." Lao Yuan said. "That's right!" I interjected, "I don't see myself as superior to others in any way." "Maybe, sometimes you have low self-esteem," Da Li agreed, but then added, "Sometimes you regard yourself as higher and more important than others. I don't understand how you do it." I finally gradually understood.Because I have lived on high ground for forty years, and suddenly fell on the horizon, I am always unconvinced, angry, and panicked because of grievances; and because many facts tell me that I am indeed inferior to others, so I am discouraged, annoyed, and inferior and sad.In short, the shelf was knocked out, but the ruler remained.The reason why I can understand this truth is because I later discovered people who cannot be measured by my yardstick.Before I understood this point, during the time I spent with Da Li, I only understood what the director said, and gradually realized that I am not equal in my relationship with others. Resentment, not being treated equally or respected by others, in short, the problem is on yourself.And when I get to see those immeasurable people and receive their favor, I understand more about who I am.