Chapter 46 Four or six extramarital affairs

Extramarital refers to sexual relations with people other than the spouse, including ancient and modern times, and there are various situations (the emperor is a special animal recognized by society, not counting).Arranged in the order from plausible to impracticable, one is to remarry after becoming celibate (widowed or divorced), male is to remarry, and female is to remarry.In this case, the law allows.Morality or fashion varies from time to time and from person to person.For example, in the old days, men were so aboveboard, but women were not honorable.In the new era, it will also vary from person to person. For example, when you are young and strong, the previous wishful person has left (to the underworld or to the sun), and you will find a wishful person again. It is upright, and old age may not be easy, because children may not agree.The other is rich men taking concubines, which is not allowed in modern times, but was taken for granted in old times.There is more than one person who is rich and powerful, and some of them are accepted by the original wife. In this case, the boundaries of comments are clear, whether it is legal or moral, it is allowed in the old era, but it is not allowed in modern times.The other is whoring and prostitution.In the old days, the law allowed it, because it could be listed for business (the situation of female prostitutes is slightly different); in terms of morality, it was also lenient to men (for example, during the Ming and Qing Dynasties, it was considered elegant to enter and leave the Qinhuai River house), and strict to women (the famous ones such as Gu Mei, Li Xiangjun and the like are always men’s playthings).In modern times, the ground has been changed to underground, which proves that the law does not allow it; but there are still many, and there will be moral comments, which still have a traditional meaning, which is slightly lenient for men and strict for women.There is another kind, compared with the above situations, it is to turn the obvious into the hidden, but the face is wide (at least in modern times), and it has an indissoluble relationship with the relationship, so the problems are more complicated, which is usually said "Extramarital affair".This kind of love, in theory, has a difference between going far and near. Nearly, there is love but no relationship between the sexes (or it is actually platonic); far, it is both love and relationship.In fact, the following two situations are more common: one, there may not be many love affairs, but there is a relationship between the sexes;Obviously, the last type, which is both romantic and sexual, may be quite a lot in modern times, so it causes the most problems and is also the most difficult to solve.The so-called extramarital affairs in this article, I want to limit it to this kind.

This kind of extramarital affairs may not have been many in the old days (because it cannot be counted); but it can be inferred that even if the net is dense, small fish will be missed, and the number must be far less than in modern times.The reason for this is not that people's hearts are not old now, but that it was ancient at that time, but that men and women were not equal at that time. Women were men's private property, and there was a code of incompatibility between men and women to protect this private property. Extramarital affairs violate property rights and must be tolerated by man and nature. It's rare.Speaking of the etiquette of incompatibility, that is, the etiquette that women can only be owned by men alone, the power is so powerful that even the restrained women believe it as a matter of course.The death of Bo Ji in the Song Dynasty during the Spring and Autumn Period can be used as the best example. "Spring and Autumn" recorded in the 30th year of Xianggong: "In the fifth month of the fifth month, there was a disaster in the Song Dynasty, and Bo Ji died." (In the house on fire, still alive), a Si Fu (informed) himself: "The fire is coming, please bring out the dead body." Uncle Ji said: "No. I heard that women go out at night, and they don't see their mother and mother (female master) ) not to go to the hall. 'Fu arrived, and before his mother arrived, he was caught (fired) and died." In case of fire, a 60-year-old old woman was already accompanied by Fu alone, because she still lacked a mother, which was not a proper dogma. , I would rather burn to death, so as to protect the body of the man, there will be no danger of extramarital affairs. The power of this code of ethics can be further expanded. Words, but also lifelong chastity.Obedience wins honor, and dishonesty is a great disgrace, so it has spread to the world. Except for close relatives, there are almost no opportunities for the opposite sex to communicate, let alone get close.Obviously, this blocks the way to extramarital affairs, and many problems caused by extramarital affairs can be wiped out.The problem is less is to get, although this gain is exchanged for too much price.The obvious price is that women must sacrifice themselves for others (a certain man); the less obvious one is that all people are only allowed to have marriage virtue but not love affairs.Breaking through barriers is not easy.Naturally, not absolutely nothing.It can be divided into upper, middle and lower classes.For example, the love between Empress Dowager Hu of the Northern Wei Dynasty and Yang Hua really became a reality (later Yang fled to Liang in the Southern Dynasty in fear of disaster, and made a song of "Yangchun Eryanyue" to express his miss).Among them, Zhu Yizun's love for his aunt can only be written as "Two Hundred Rhymes of Fenghuai Poems" as a "symbol of depression".For example, many literati made up stories about Liu Ruan's entry into the rooftops. The reality is hopeless, daydreaming, and nothing more than comfort.

In this way, even in the old days, people were not too forgetful because of self-restraint and restoration of rituals, but were imprisoned by social forces, and the vast majority of people "seemed" to be calm.It seems that there is a distance from the reality, or a large distance, specifically, there is infinite pain and tears hidden behind it.The new era has come, and the situation has changed radically, or considerably.There are three aspects to the count.One of the most important is that men and women have the opportunity to associate freely.If you don't know each other, you can squeeze the bus side by side, and if you know each other, you can dance ballroom dancing with your chest close to each other, and even walk hand in hand on the street, sit and talk at night in a hut, etc., all of which were unimaginable in the old days.The second, related to this, is the improvement of women's status, the liberation of words and deeds, and the transformation of the three obediences of the past into today's one obedience, that is, marriage can also be decided by oneself, and other matters other than marriage, only social aspects and men, When we gather, we sit at the same table, and when we share, we can write letters. Of course, we can do whatever we want.The third is that views on gender relations are "moving toward" modernization.This so-called modernization is like economy and technology. The so-called advanced countries are running ahead, and we are chasing behind.Naturally, there is still a period of staggering, because our traditional foundation is thick and powerful. Using a car as a metaphor, it is too heavy to run fast.However, in the eyes of some old people (especially women) who can be regarded as old-fashioned, they have gone too far. Love, etc., which were considered unreasonable in the past, have become commonplace today.The elders are not used to it, but they are powerless to oppose it, because this is the trend of the times. In a popular new language, it does not depend on people's will.And it can be inferred that the situation, in the old saying, is in the ascendant, because as mentioned above, we are still looking at modernization from afar, chasing and catching up.As a result, it is conceivable that as far as the present is concerned, there are already many problems caused by extramarital affairs, and there will be more problems in the future.

If there is a problem, it needs to be solved, at least to study how to deal with it.Let me ask the basics first, is this kind of thing (having a relationship outside of marriage), right?good or not?It is difficult to answer, because before answering, one has to step on a certain "reason".Reasons, on the other hand, are both dropped from the sky and processed by society.When it comes to destiny, after the ancients said "destiny is nature", they continued to say "willfulness" without asking what destiny is. The reason is, first, lack of interest in metaphysics; second, only God knows what destiny is.As for the processing society, as Han Feizi said, the world changes with time, and the world changes with preparations. In this world, this preparation, whether it is right, good or not, if you want to judge, you have to find "reason".As a last resort, Sancai had no choice but to ignore the world and only ask people, or humanism, whose judgment principle is that "benefiting" people is right and good, otherwise it is wrong and bad.On the surface, this principle is not bad. For example, reviews of medicines say that real medicines are good because they are good for the disease, and counterfeit medicines are bad because they are not good for the disease.From drugs to extramarital affairs, the problem is not so simple, because more than one person is involved; what is more serious is what is meant by profit, which will also become a problem.

Troublesome problems arise because the scope of benefit expands and its nature becomes far-reaching, specifically speaking, benefiting disease becomes benefiting "life".The ancients believed that the great virtue of heaven and earth is life, and they also said that "life is called nature" and "spontaneity is called Tao". clear.In order to be clear and understand, we need to make great efforts in the analysis of life.This, we have talked about in general before, the main point is, we don’t know whether there is an ultimate purpose of life, or not; all we know is that we can call it destiny, or we can simply say it, anyway, we are happy to live Therefore, life is a trend of seeking extension and expansion, and it is difficult to resist, so I would rather "comply with it".What is compliance?Using Chuang Tzu’s method of getting worse, the answer is yes, clothes, trendy leather jackets are more comfortable than old clothes, we will take trendy leather jackets and give up old clothes, food, roast duck is more comfortable than dried sweet potatoes, we will choose roast duck and give up sweet potatoes Do, live, a high-end apartment is more comfortable than a cave dwelling, so we will take a high-end apartment and give up a cave dwelling. OK, a Mercedes-Benz sleeper is more comfortable than a big wheel, so we will take a Mercedes-Benz sleeper instead of a big wheel, plus one more thing, Men and women who eat and drink men and women, combined, Xi Shi is more comfortable than no salt, we take Xi Shi and give up no salt, so the choice depends on the feeling, not whether the comfort has ultimate value.Not asking about the ultimate value is to avoid philosophy; in fact, from a certain perspective, adaptation is also a kind of philosophy.As for the reality, conformity will also lead to dissatisfaction. Take the trendy leather jacket as an example. If the economic situation of the group cannot meet everyone’s needs, using the principle of conformity will lead to many problems, such as inequality between the rich and the poor, and not being able to get what you want. .What I want to talk about here is only the problems caused by taking Xi Shi.Focus on this question and say yes, there is already a wishful person, and when you see Xi Shi, you still love it, or if you see Pan An, you still love it, how to solve it?

If you look at it from the perspective of the old times, this problem is easy to solve, at least it is easy to comment that it should not be.But even in the old days, when it comes to this kind of problem, it is not the same voice, but a lot of people.Take Cao Zhi's "Luo Shen Fu" as an example. It was originally written by the Zhen family who had been occupied by Cao Pi, and he couldn't write it because of his love. Walking, the socks are dusty", are you also shaking your head?To put it bluntly, this is quite miserable, because although there is a big umbrella of etiquette, people's hearts are fleshy after all, and sometimes it is inevitable that emotions will be moved in them, and they don't know how to dance with hands and feet.In modern times, the so-called new era, the umbrella of ethics has become dilapidated (not thrown away), and the problems have obviously become more and more clear, and it is even more difficult to solve.Difficulties, some come from the real situation, as mentioned above, men and women no longer give and receive intimacy; close neighbors are close, it is the emotion that moves in the middle, and the movement has great strength.Difficult, some are based on theory, is, if you throw away the umbrella of ethics, or temporarily ignore social constraints, and see Xi Shi or Pan An and be moved by it, shouldn't it be?If you want to answer, you have to look at the destiny first.The talents of heaven are uneven, some people have many emotions and are easy to move, and some people have few emotions and are not easy to move.Zhuangzi admires those who are less emotional and not easy to move, so he said: "In the past (addiction) deep desires have shallow secrets." It is unavoidable to have more troubles and tears, that is, how hard life is.At least from the point of view of Buddhism, Lin Daiyu's path is wrong. The right path should be to eliminate lust and seek freedom from suffering.It's a pity that this is also an ideal, because, as shown on the stage, some monks have gone down the mountain, and some nuns have lost their minds.This goes back to destiny, people with deep secrets, I am afraid there are not many; people who meet in the streets and alleys, and heard from various channels, are almost all secrets.Many of them are still too shallow, so I would rather, or even though I don’t want to, I have to, "The belt is getting wider and I will not regret it, and I will make people haggard for Iraq."This kind of obsession with Iraq is mostly buried in the hearts of those involved due to unknown and social constraints.There are a few, fortunately or unfortunately, that have become anecdotes that have been circulated, such as Xu Zhimo, who makes the king have a wife, loves Lin Huiyin and Lu Xiaoman, and expresses that he is in love with a talented woman, that's it.It is a personal matter for a man and a woman to love again and again, but one can imagine that if the social constraints are removed and the "fate is called sex", more love (especially for men) is probably not a habit of some people. Sex, but the natural nature that everyone has, because the biological origin of love is the propagation of seeds, and there is no necessary connection between the propagation of seeds and the oneness.From the requirements of one to social constraints, this has something to do, one is to adapt to the exclusive desire of the two sexes; two, to prevent social chaos caused by asking for more than one can get; three, it is beneficial to childbearing and upbringing.If this understanding is correct, there will be two kinds of incongruities due to the nature of multi-love: one is between destiny and destiny, and the nature of multi-love and exclusiveness cannot be coordinated; the other is between destiny and society. , is how much love and sincerity cannot be coordinated.All problems are caused by the incompatibility of these two kinds; or reduced to one, it is the difficulty of reconciling between man and heaven: man manifests as a rational demand, it is best to get from one; heaven manifests as a blind command, it is more love .

Xunzi believes that manpower can conquer the sky, which is very good, but it is not entirely wrong to use reality to prove it.If it's about estrus, it's just about etiquette and righteousness. Even if it's called Xiaosheng, there may be many examples.But that was the old days, when social conditioning was valued without asking why it was necessary to obey the constraints.The new era has come, and the situation is pressing. If you don't want to ask, you have to ask.For example, it is closer to modernization, people have made a lot of mistakes, cherish the flow of love and no longer pay attention to the source of inheritance, and there are contraceptive methods to make people feel sorry for tigers. Marriage, family, and status are not what they used to be (or include the present) Is that stable?Immediately after that one has to be bored, is one still a virtue or a necessity?Time-shifting makes things different, and the staged relationship between the sexes may become commonplace, right?For now, this is just conjecture, but it can be seen from the facts, because the basis may be "temporary" social constraints, which may not be in line with humanism.Humanism should pay attention to the benefit of life, and the benefit cannot be separated from the amount of the calculation, and once the calculation is made, add and subtract, from one to many love, who will be the upper and lower, at least it is still uncertain, right?This is obviously still biased towards the future, at least it is biased towards theory, some people will think that they are dreaming.Then let Xuan Yuan return to reality, and see what is the entanglement between Cong Yi and Duo Ai.Facts are hard, the most powerful, you can look at them first.Before marriage, in terms of impressions and feelings between the two parties who become dependents, the situations vary widely. To simplify, for example, some are 100% (probably not many), while others are only 50%.After marriage, as usual, there will be small frictions, even if there is no friction, as time goes on, it will definitely become thicker and weaker.And people, "destiny is called sex", always need, or at least welcome, passion. At this time, the chance of giving and receiving amiability between men and women will easily attract affection. Even the original 100% may not be able to be calm, right?More than turbulence, as far as society is concerned, it is better to have nothing, because some waves, large or small, will be stirred up on the calm water.As far as I am concerned, it is not easy to choose whether to have or not, because if you have, you will lose something (including all kinds of distress and difficulties); if you don't, you will also lose something (you will not get passion).What is even more regrettable is that in such matters, people often have no ability to choose, but are confused and fall in love.Whether it is suffering or happiness, it becomes a fact, and it is no longer useful to say that something is worse than nothing; being pragmatic, we should study how to live better.

The general question is how to look at it, and then how to deal with extramarital affairs.How to look at it has already been roughly discussed above.It also comes from the nature of destiny, whether it is good or not, it is hard to say; anyway, manpower is limited, and I cannot resist it, so I have to accept it. As for how to deal with it, because it involves other people besides the two, and the two have different requirements , it is very difficult to be specific.There is only one way left, which is to generalize and talk about principles.It starts with the unexplained joy, anger, sorrow and joy.The general spirit is to give consideration to both man and nature.After this is one, people with deep secrets are blessed by nature, they can see what they want but their hearts are not disturbed, they are blessed, because they can face the wall and feel at ease.2. If nature is not rich or not very rich, it is best to use manpower to transfer nature, such as being cautious when choosing a mate, asking for 100%; No need for extra passion.Third, if you are lucky or unlucky and fall in love, it is better not to ask too much, if you are satisfied with Platonic or quasi-Platonic, specifically, if you don’t seek to form a family, the impact may not be too far-reaching.Fourth, it is also the best way to love the new and not to dislike the old. After a period of time, the new will also become old. With strong social constraints, the turmoil of life can gradually calm down.Even in the frenzied period, this situation should also be recognized.In order to make big things into small things, and small things into nothing.Fifth, if the relevant people are aware of it, it is better to forgive than to blame.One of the reasons for doing this comes from the understanding of life (even thinking about the situation of changing places);Sixth, divorce is the worst policy, because, unless you can find a secret; in a society where men and women are amiable, find a secret, and require that you will not be moved by anyone except yourself. Unnatural and unnatural (even if it is possible).People can't help but be born under the destiny and common sense, so there is only one feasible way, which is to be happy with perfection and be content with imperfection.