Chapter 7 Chapter nine

Bereavement (1) It has been more than twenty years since my father left us to live with the most destined woman in his life.In such a long time, our father and daughter have not had many opportunities to meet each other, but there is no unbearable concern in each other's hearts; my mother has always been unable to let go of this third party, and she does not want me to visit my father often. If I take the initiative to call He and she also have criticisms.I have a completely different view of this third person.Aunt Hua is a Jiangnan woman who has been in the restaurant business for many years. She is independent and heroic, with a tendency of sacrifice and dedication of the Pisces family.The father whose parents died at an early age actually has a part of his personality still in the childhood stage. What he needs is the nourishment, care and pampering of motherhood.If this part of the trauma cannot be healed, if that deep desire is not satisfied, it will be difficult for him to function normally in this world.The role played by Aunt Hua is the healer and reborn mother most needed by the father.Every time I see the patterns of their interactions, I secretly lament the trauma of the human psyche.My father and Aunt Hua lived together for a few years and became paralyzed on the bed, unwilling to move.I use the word "unwilling" because it is not difficult for you to see that he wants to regain the maternal love that was deprived by fate in his infancy.He refused to get out of bed and walk around. He refused to eat properly, go to the toilet, or take a bath. Aunt Hua took care of all his eating, drinking, toileting, and drinking.Auntie Hua is a believer in Yiguandao. She feeds her father vegetarian food and requires him to recite the Diamond Sutra and the Ksitigarbha Sutra in devotion[1] to her grandmother who died unjustly.When my father was upset, he was like a spoiled son, hitting Aunt Hua with his severed palm or twisting her thigh.Aunt Hua took it all because she understood his needs and felt sorry for his misfortune.Love and understanding have never been separated.Can I still have an opinion on such a third party?

After I returned to Taiwan from New York at the end of 1988, my father's health was critical several times.When I went to see him in the hospital, Aunt Hua was crying. She told my father that he always said my name when he was in crisis.Weak and speechless, his intuition is still quite keen, and he can see through my thoughts at a glance; I held his hand, looked at his silver hair and smooth skin, and said everything without saying anything.The tenth day of the third month of the lunar calendar in 1989 was my father's eighty-fifth birthday, and the eighth day of the third month was my birthday.In Chunzhong, before our birthday came, one night I received a call from Aunt Hua, she asked me to go to their house as soon as possible, she said that my father could not breathe, and his heart had stopped beating.I rushed to her residence, entered the bedroom, sat by my father's bed, held his still warm hands, and looked at his precious face quietly with tears in my eyes.It feels like his consciousness hasn't left that space yet, probably waiting for my appearance!I thought to myself: He was ready to leave this miserable world long ago; the heavy debt of love was finally paid off.

I felt more relieved than mourned. When I got home, I told my mother the news of my father’s death. My mother used a high degree of willpower to suppress the grievances and hatreds of more than 30 years, and walked into her bedroom expressionlessly.In the middle of the night, intermittent cursing that sounded like sleepwalking came from her room. I got up from the bed and walked into her bedroom a little uneasy.Her short body shrunk into a fetal shape on the oversized bed, her whole body was shaking uncontrollably, and she kept cursing in her stiff and dry mouth: "You old ghost... you are finally dead... I live longer than you Long... I won..." I didn't interfere with her venting, I closed the door silently, and walked back to my room alone with the life and death hatred of the previous generation in my heart.

On the day of the farewell ceremony, old committee members and friends who had friendship with the father entered the Jingxing Hall of the second funeral home to pay homage to the remains of the father.Mother sat on the chair, and I knelt on the ground to salute.The person who recited the sacrificial oration sang the life story of his father in a professional crying tone.After his mournful opening remarks, he followed up with a series of praises - his father had not asked questions for more than 30 years, which he whitewashed as a badge of honor, and his mother's more than 30 years of mahjong career was rewritten by him as husband and son.My mother listened patiently, and suddenly couldn't help cursing in a low voice: "It's a bunch of nonsense!" I watched this absurd drama that was completely different from the facts, and my old childhood problems recurred, and I began to feel sick all over my body. Trembling secretly laughing unceasingly, the mother actually laughed along with it.The mother and daughter were dressed in funeral clothes and knelt on the ground. The tragedy became a comedy.Fortunately, we didn't move too much, only the elder brother Xiaolong noticed our abnormal behavior.After the sacrificial oration was finally finished, Xiaolong forced himself to hide the smile on his face and walked to our mother and daughter, and said to us in a low voice with his mouth crooked: "Steady down, it's too shameful." The party flag was covered on the coffin, and the father's coffin was covered with a grand funeral.It is said that whether the party flag should be covered, the committee members once had a debate.I thought to myself, my father, who had been indifferent to fame and fortune all his life, just wanted to go back to the spiritual world to catch his breath. He didn't care if the skin covered with heavy makeup was covered with blue sky, white sun, and red everywhere.Men always use the party-state to escape their own truth. If you can’t even talk about self-knowledge, can you still talk about the macro-state and nation?The truth is, self-knowledge is far more difficult than building a country and bringing peace to the world.Big topics always have face, but self-knowledge is an act of removing face.I was thinking about these metaphysical problems when suddenly something crawled around my neck. I grabbed it with my backhand and it turned out to be a fat and big black caterpillar.It may have crawled out of the flower basket next to it, but how could it have climbed up my neck?This incident was so bizarre, so I told my mother in a low voice, and my mother's reaction was quick, and she whispered to me immediately: "Hu Gengnian is probably reincarnated as this caterpillar!" My poor father must be reduced to a caterpillar to vent her three Sixteen years of bitter hatred, but there was a triumphant childish joy in her tone, which made me laugh again.The countless tragedies and comedies in life are always staged at the most unexpected moments.To be honest, I agree with Zorba’s optimistic attitude towards death in Greece. The funeral should be completed amidst the dance of moonlight and fine wine—the dead can finally rest for a while, reflect, and come back with a different body.

After my father passed away, the "Legislative Yuan" issued a pension of more than 2 million yuan. I tried to figure out what my father meant, and decided to give the money to Aunt Hua to express my gratitude.I told my mother about this decision. To my surprise, my mother agreed, but she insisted that the money should be remitted to our bank first, and then transferred to Aunt Hua's account a week later.A week later, I asked my mother if the money had been transferred. Her face suddenly changed, and she said firmly: "How could I give this money to that woman who ruined the family for nothing?" I was so angry that I couldn't even speak. , A huge and boundless anger hit my heart, I pressed my mother to a corner of the sofa, and began to reprimand her loudly.I told her that Aunt Hua had not had a good time in the past ten years, and that she should feel lucky to have someone play this difficult role for her in the second half of her life; this small amount of money is not enough to thank others.Then I began to point out her distorted outlook on life and the mistakes in her education methods. I mustered up the courage to vent my half-life anger, and I said, "Why are you so arrogant? You have been on the mahjong table all your life. I've spent my whole life with no achievements, but always ride on other people's heads. If you are really so good, why don't you find a job, like Aunt Hua and Aunt Pan? You think your talent score is higher than these women, I But I think they are much better than you!... You have lived your whole life in fear and self-preservation, which is already miserable enough, but you also need to project the fear in your heart onto your next generation, and set limits everywhere so that they cannot You can't be happy. You don't know what kind of person your daughter is. You just want to educate her to be an ordinary person who makes money, saves money, makes money and saves money. Let me tell you, you are not big It’s so wrong, money can’t solve the pain. Are you still not clear about whether your pain is solved because you have more money? Your problem is not that you have too much money, but the most important thing is that you have too little love , neither know how to love others, nor know how to love yourself..."

Bereavement (2) I scolded her for an hour like I was training my daughter. My mother listened to me without saying a word, and remitted the money to Aunt Hua the next day.That night I felt something was wrong with my body, as if I was about to catch a cold.When I woke up the next morning, I felt that my left facial nerve was a little paralyzed. I looked in the mirror and found that the left half of my face was crooked.When washing the face, the eyes cannot be completely closed, and water will flow into the eyes; when brushing teeth, the toothpaste flows out from the corner of the mouth; when drinking water, only half of the lips can be sucked in carefully.I thought to myself that this is a terrible situation. If I spend the rest of my life with my eyes crooked and my mouth slanted, wouldn't it be too disgusting?The old mother took advantage of the fire and said: "Look, this is the reward of unfilial piety." This sentence awakened my dream of being a teacher of justice. I found that if I justify the inner violence with justice, this negative force will still follow the law of cause and effect. to himself.There is neither violence nor resentment in true justice; there must be violence and resentment in false justice.The way of filial piety is just an excuse for the mother not to reflect on herself.This two-way view saved me from falling into the trap of anger again, but the first thing to do was to find a doctor to treat this strange disease as soon as possible.

I saw several Western doctors, and they all said that there is no cure for peripheral nerve paralysis, and the only thing to do is to wait for it to recover slowly by itself.Later, someone introduced a traditional Chinese medicine doctor in Taichung. The doctor told me that this disease is called "nervous cold". Acupuncture and moxibustion can help it recover quickly.I waited for a month, and the situation really improved, but it took three years to fully recover.This incident made me understand what Kirk said, emotional energy must be completely burned and released at every moment through observation without condemnation or suppression. If you blindly suppress and accumulate, once it bursts out, it will be harmful. serious harm to oneself.I found myself a long way from processing emotional energy.