Chapter 12 Novel: Crescent Moon (2) - Lao She

fifteen I haven't seen the crescent moon for a long time, and I dare not go to see it, although I want to.I have graduated and still live in the school.In the evening, there were only two old servants in the school, a man and a woman.They didn't know what to do with me. I wasn't a student, I wasn't a gentleman, and I wasn't a servant, but I was sort of a servant.At night, when I was walking alone in the courtyard, Crescent Moon would often drive me into the house, and I didn't have the guts to look at it.But in the house, I will imagine what it is like, especially when there is a little wind.The breeze seemed to blow that gleam to my heart, reminding me of the past, and aggravating the present sorrow.My heart is like a bat under the moonlight. Although it is under the light, it is black. Even if black things can fly, they are still black. I have no hope.I don't cry, I just frown.

sixteen I made some money: knitting something for the students, and they gave me some wages.The principal allowed me to do this.But I can't get in a lot, because they can also weave.However, they themselves were in a hurry to use it and couldn't make it, or they came to take care of me by making gloves or socks for the family members.Even so, my heart seemed to live a little bit, and I even thought: If my mother didn't take that step, I could support her.As soon as I counted my little money, I knew it was a dream, but it made me feel better.I would love to see mom.If she sees me, she'll come with me, and we'll have a way of living, I think—but not quite sure.I miss my mother, she often comes to my dreams.One day, I went on a trip outside the city with my students, and it was past four o'clock in the afternoon when I came back.In order to come back quickly, we took a trail.I saw my mother! In a small alley, there was a shop selling steamed buns. There was an ingot basket at the door, and a big white wood steamed bun was inserted in the basket.Sitting along the wall is my mother, leaning back and pulling the bellows.From a long distance, I saw the big wooden steamed bun and my mother, and I knew her back.I'm going to hug her.But I dare not, I am afraid that the students will laugh at me, they will not allow me to have such a mother.As we got closer and closer, I lowered my head and glanced at her through my tears, but she didn't see me.A group of us walked past her body, she didn't seem to see anything, and concentrated on pulling her bellows.After walking a long way, I looked back, and she was still pulling there.I couldn't see her face clearly, only her hair was loose on her forehead.I remember the name of this small alley.

seventeen Like a bug biting me in my heart, I want to see my mother, but I can't be quiet until I see her.At this time, the school changed its principal.The fat headmaster told me I had to make up my mind that she would have my food and shelter for a day when she was here, but she couldn't guarantee that the new headmistress would do the same.I counted my money, and it was two and seventy cents.This money won't keep me hungry for the next few days, but where am I going? I dare not sit there and worry, I have to think.Finding my mother was my first thought.But can she take me in? If she can't take me in and I go to her, even if it doesn't cause a quarrel between her and the steamed bun seller, she must be very sad.I have to think about her, she is my mother, but not my mother, there is a barrier made of poverty between us, mother and daughter.After much deliberation, I refused to go to her.I should bear my own suffering.But how do you bear your own suffering? I can't think of it.I feel the world is small, there is no place for me and my little bedroll.I am not as good as a dog, who has a place to lie down and sleep; I am not allowed to lie down in the street.Yes, I am a human, and a human can be inferior to a dog.If I hold my face and don't leave, how can I know that the new principal will not push me out? I can't wait for others to push me out.It's spring.I only see the flowers blooming and the leaves turning green, but I don't feel any heat.Red flowers are just red flowers, green leaves are just green leaves, I see some different colors, just a little color; these colors have no meaning, spring is a cool dead thing in my heart.I refused to cry, but the tears flowed down by themselves.

eighteen I'm out looking for something.I don't look for my mother, I don't depend on anyone, I want to earn my own food.After walking for two full days, I went out with hope and returned with dust and tears.I have nothing to do.Only then did I really understand my mother, and I really forgave my mother.Mom also washed stinky socks, I can't even do that.There is only one way mother walks.The skills and morals taught to me in school are all jokes, and they are all fun when I am full and have nothing to do.My classmates forbade me to have such a mother, they laughed at the secret door; yes, they had to see it this way, they had food to eat.I'm about to make up my mind: as long as someone gives me food, I'll do anything; my mother is admirable.I'm not going to die, though I've thought about it; no, I'm going to live.I'm young, I'm good-looking, and I want to live.Shame is not of my making.

nineteen Thinking about it this way, I seem to have found something.I dare to walk in the courtyard, a spring crescent hangs in the sky.I see its beauty.The sky was dark blue without a cloud.The crescent moon is clear and gentle, sending some soft light to the willow branches.There is a slight breeze in the courtyard, carrying the fragrance of flowers from the south, and blowing the shadows of willow branches to the corners where there is light, and then to places where there is no light; the light is not strong, the shadows are not heavy, and the wind blows slightly Gentle, everything is a little sleepy, but it has to move softly.Under the crescent moon and above the willow twigs, there is a pair of stars like the eyes of a smiling fairy, teasing the crooked crescent moon and the lightly swinging willow branches.There is a tree on the other side of the wall, which is full of white flowers. The twilight of the moon illuminates half of this ball of snow into bright white and half with a little gray shadow, showing an unimaginable purity.This crescent is the beginning of hope, I said to myself.

twenty I went to find the fat principal again, but she was not at home.A young man let me in.He is decent and kind.I've always been afraid of men, but this young man doesn't make me afraid of him.He asked me to say something, but I was embarrassed not to say it; when he smiled like that, my heart softened.I told him that I wanted to find the principal, and he was very enthusiastic and promised to help me.That night, he sent me two dollars, which I refused to accept, saying it was from his aunt, the Fat Headmaster.He also said that his aunt had already found a place for me to live in, and I could move there the next day.I want to doubt, but dare not.His smiling face seemed to reach my heart.I feel like I'm sorry for being suspicious, he's so sweet and gentle.

twenty one His smiling lips are on my face, and from his hair I look at the crescent moon that is also smiling.The spring breeze seemed to be drunk, it blew through the spring clouds, revealing the crescent moon and a pair or two of spring stars.The willow branches on the river bank are swaying lightly, the spring frogs are singing love songs, and the fragrance of tender cattails is scattered in the heating of the Spring Festival Gala.I listened to the water flow, as if it gave some vitality to the young cattails, and I imagined the cattails growing briskly higher.Small dandelions grow in damp and warm ground.Everything is melting the power of spring, and then releasing some fragrance.I forgot myself, I lost myself, as if I was in the twilight of the spring breeze and the moon.Yue'er was suddenly covered by clouds, and I thought of myself.I lost that crescent moon, and I also lost myself, I am the same as my mother!

twenty two I regret it, I masturbate, I want to cry, I like it, I don't know how.I want to run away and never see him again; I miss him again, and I'm lonely.Two huts, only me, and he comes every night.He is always handsome, always so gentle.He provided me with food and drink, and made me some new clothes.Putting on new clothes, I see my beauty for myself.But I also hated these clothes, and couldn't bear to take them off.I dare not think, and I am too lazy to think, I am in a daze, and there are always two spots of red on my cheeks.I am too lazy to dress up, but I have to dress up. I am too idle, so I have to find something to do.When dressing up, I love myself; when I'm done dressing up, I hate myself.My tears come down easily, but I try not to cry, my eyes are so moist and lovely all day long.Sometimes I kiss him like crazy, and then push him away, and even scold him; he always laughs.

twenty-three I knew earlier that I had no hope; a little cloud could cover the crescent moon, and my future was dark.Sure enough, it didn't take long for spring to become summer, and my spring dream came to an end.One day, just after noon, a young woman came.She is beautiful, but not exquisitely beautiful, like a magnet.She cried when she entered the house.Don't ask, I already understand.Looking at her, she doesn't want to quarrel with me, and I'm not prepared to conflict with her.She is honest.She cried, but took my hand: "He lied to us both!" she said.I thought she was just a "lover" too.No, she is his wife.She didn't quarrel with me, but kept saying: "You let him go!" I don't know what to do, I feel sorry for this young woman.I said yes to her.she laughed.Looking at her like this, I thought she was short-sighted, she seemed to know nothing but wanted her husband.

twenty four I walked on the street for a long time.It's easy to agree to that young woman, but what should I do? I don't want to take the things he gave me; since I want to leave him, I will make a clean break.But what else do I have after that? Where am I going? How can I have food for the day? Well, I need those things, no way.I moved away secretly.I don't regret it, I just feel empty, helpless like a cloud.Moved into a cabin, I slept through the day. twenty five I know how to be frugal. I have learned that money is good since I was a child.I still have that little money in hand, so I want to find a job right away.In this way, although I don't want anything, or there will be no danger.Things are not easy to find because I am a year or two older.I was adamant that it didn't help, it just felt like it should be.Why is it so difficult for women to earn money? Mom is right, there is only one way for women to go, and that is the way that mothers walk.I don't want to go that way right away, but I know it's waiting for me not far away.The more I struggled, the more scared I became.My hope is the light of the first moon, soon to be gone.A week or two passed, and the hope dwindled.In the end, I went to be reviewed in a small restaurant with a line of young girls.A very small restaurant, but a big owner; our group is not ugly, all girls graduated from high school, waiting for the emperor's reward, waiting for the boss who looks like a broken tower to choose.He picked me.I don't thank him, but it was a bit fun at the time.The group of girls seemed to envy me very much, some walked away with tears in their eyes, and some scolded "Damn!" Women are so worthless!

Twenty-six I became the second waitress at the diner.I am not good at arranging dishes, serving dishes, calculating accounts, and reporting the names of dishes.I am a little scared.But "Number One" told me not to worry, and she wouldn't either.She said, Xiaoshun takes care of everything; we as hostesses only need to pour tea for the guests, pass the towels, and collect the bills; don't care about anything else.Strange! The cuffs of "Number One" are rolled up very high, and there is not a single stain on the white lining of the cuffs.There is a white silk handkerchief on her wrist, embroidered with "Sister, I Love You".She powdered her face all day long, and her lips were smeared with blood.When lighting cigarettes for guests, she leaned her knees on other people's laps; she also poured wine for guests, and sometimes she took a sip herself.For some guests, she served them very attentively; for others, she didn't even pay attention to them, she would close her eyelids and pretend she didn't see them.She didn't entertain, so I had to go.I am afraid of men.My little experience made me understand a little bit, what to love or not, men are scary anyway.Especially the men who eat in restaurants, they pretend to be loyal and give up their seats like fighting; they try their best to guess punches and drink;I bowed my head and handed tea and hand towels, my face was hot.The guests deliberately chatted with me to make me laugh; I was not in the mood to joke.It was over nine o'clock in the evening, and I was very tired.When I got to my hut, I didn't even take off my clothes, and I slept until dawn.When I woke up, I felt a little happier. Now I am self-reliant and use my hard work to earn food for myself.I go to work very early. Twenty-seven "No. 1" didn't come until after nine o'clock, and I had been there for more than two o'clock.She looked down on me, but she taught me not entirely maliciously: "You don't have to come so early, who comes to dinner at eight o'clock? Tell you, despondent, don't stretch your face so long; you are a waitress, you are not allowed here Funeral fun. Keep your head down, no one pays for the wine; why are you here? Isn’t it to make money? Your collar is too short, we all have to raise the collar in this business, silk handkerchiefs, people recognize this!” I I know she means it well, and I also know that if I refuse to laugh, she will suffer too, and she will get less money for the drinks; the small bill is shared equally by everyone.It's not that I look down on her, on the one hand, I really admire her, she is to make money.This is what women have to do to earn money, there is no other way.However, I refuse to learn from her.I seem to see it very clearly: one day, I have to be more enlightened than her in order to earn a living.But that's when the end of the mountain is reached; the "last resort" is always waiting for our women there, and I can only tell it to wait a few more days.It makes me gnash my teeth, it makes me angry, but the fate of women is not in their hands.After working for another three days, the big shopkeeper issued a warning: Try me for two more days, if I am willing to work longer, I have to do as "No. 1". "No. 1" was half mocking, half admonishing: "Someone has already asked about you, why are you hiding the obedient one and pretending to be an idiot? None of us know what's going on? Some waitresses marry bank managers; you should be ours." What about being lowly? Let’s get out of your way, let’s take a fucking bus for a few days!” This made me angry, and I asked her, “When are you going to take the bus?” She curled her red lips so that they were about to fall off : "You don't need to play tricks, what do you say; you are born with a fragrant butt, and you don't know how to do this!" I couldn't do it, so I took a dollar and five cents, and I went home. Twenty-eight The last shadow took another step toward me.In order to avoid it, I got closer to it.I don't regret losing that thing, but I'm also really afraid of that shadow.Sell ​​yourself to a guy and I will.Since that incident, I have understood the relationship between men and women very well.The woman relaxes herself a little, and the man comes when he smells it.What he wants is meat, and when he releases his animal power, you will have food and clothing for a while; then he may beat you and scold you, or stop your supply.Women sell themselves like this, and sometimes they are very proud. I used to feel proud.When you are proud, you speak only some heavenly words; after a while, you feel pain and depression in your body.However, if you sell it to a man, you can still say some heavenly things; if you sell it to everyone, you can't even say these things, and my mother never said such things.Different degrees of fear, I could not accept the advice of "number one"; "a" man made me less afraid after all.However, I don't want to sell myself.I don't need a man, I'm not yet twenty.I thought it would be interesting to be with a man, but when we got together, he would ask for the thing I was afraid of.Yes, at that time I seemed to have handed myself over to Chunfeng, at the mercy of others; thinking about it later, he was taking advantage of my ignorance to enjoy himself.His sweet words made me fall into a dream; when I woke up, it was but a dream, some emptiness; all I got was two meals and a few clothes.I don't want to earn a living like this anymore. The food is real, so I should just earn it.However, if you really can’t earn enough to eat, women have to admit that they are women and sell meat! I couldn’t find a job for more than a month. Twenty-nine I met a few classmates, some of them entered middle school, some of them were girls at home.I don't want to talk to them, but when it comes to talking, I think I'm smarter than them.It turned out that I was stupider than them when I was in school; now, "they" are obviously stupid.They still seem to be dreaming.They were all well dressed, like shop goods.Their eyes were on the young man, and their hearts seemed to be composing love poems.I laugh at them.Yes, I must forgive them, they have food to eat, of course they can only think of love when they are full, men and women weave each other into a net, and catch each other; the rich, the net is bigger, catch a few, and then choose one calmly .I have no money, and I can't even find a corner of the house to make a net.I have to catch people directly, or be caught. I understand better than them, and I am more practical. thirty One day, I met that little daughter-in-law, the one who looked like a magnet.She held me back as if I were her relative.She's a little topsy-turvy. "You are a good man! You are a good man! I regret it," she said sincerely, "I regret it! I told you to let him go, huh, it's better in your hands! He has messed with someone else, it's better I'm gone, and I'm gone forever!" From the questioning, I knew that she and him were also married because of love, and she still seemed to love him very much.He ran again.I pity this little woman, she is still dreaming, and she still believes in the sacredness of love.I asked her how she was doing now, and she said she had to find him, she had to stay the course.What if he can't be found? I asked.She bit her lip, she has in-laws, natal family and parents, she has no freedom, she even envies me, no one cares about me.Some people envy me, I really want to laugh! I have freedom, joke! She has food, I have freedom; she has no freedom, I have no food, we are both women. thirty-one Ever since I met that little magnetic man, I don't want to sell myself to a man anymore, I decided to have fun; in other words, I want to "romantically" earn a living.I am no longer morally responsible for anyone, I am hungry.Romance is enough to cure hunger, just as it is romantic to be full. This is a circle, and you can go anywhere.Those female classmates and the little magnets are similar to me. They have a little more dreams than me, and I am more straightforward than them. Hunger is the greatest truth.Yes, I started selling.I've sold all my belongings and put on a new outfit, and I'm not ugly.I'm on the market. Thirty-two I think I'm going to have fun, romance.Ah, I was wrong.I still don't quite understand the world.Men are not as easy to seduce as I thought.I'll seduce the more civilized, and I'll pay you, at most, for a kiss or two.Haha, don't be fooled by that, you will get a bargain if you meet for the first time.What's more, people only invite me to watch a movie, or go shopping on the street, and have a cup of ice cream; I still go home hungry.The so-called civilized people know how to ask me where I graduated from school and what I do at home.That attitude made me understand that if he wants you, you have to give him a lot of benefits; if you have nothing to contribute, he will only exchange a dime for ice cream for a kiss.If you want to sell, you have to have a hard time.I get this.The little magnets don't understand this.My mother and I understand that I miss my mother very much.