Chapter 3 chapter Five

love test After the performances of "Plum Blossom" and "Jianqiao Heroes", my popularity has increased. Even elementary school students would call me "Plum Blossom" or ask for my autograph when walking on the road.One day, I received a call from Zhang Aijia at my home on Siwei Road. She said that Don appeared in Aditya last night and kept asking for my phone number, but no one would tell him; my friends made a private decision to protect me. Don used to be her teacher when she was in an American school. She said that if I want to meet him, I can meet in her mother's Xinglin restaurant.On the one hand, I thanked Ai Jia for her enthusiasm, and on the other hand, I agreed to go to the appointment with joys and sorrows.

Walking into Xinglin restaurant, Don was already seated, his thin cheeks became narrower.I sat down, and the two of us looked at each other speechlessly. Although our feelings haven't changed after a year of separation, our personnel and affairs have long since changed.We listened to the music in the restaurant, and we couldn't stop crying under the overwhelming emotions. Don told me that since he received my last letter, his life has been out of order, cigarettes and beer can't leave his hand, and he often suffers from insomnia at night.Later, he moved from Laos to Hong Kong to work as an editor for the magazine of the United Nations Refugee Organization. This job paid well. He wanted to save a sum of money to lay the foundation for our future. He seemed to have a premonition that I would return to Taiwan soon.However, his daily life in Hong Kong is still very abnormal. Not long after, he suffered a sudden stroke and was paralyzed for a while. He has only recovered a little recently. This time, he will see me for the last time in Taiwan anyway.He said there were pictures of me everywhere and that I was already too famous for him and he couldn't bear it.I looked at him, weeping and smiling wryly, for some reason, we didn't say anything more, but melted each other's souls with our deep eyes, letting it flow to where it wanted to go.

An unforgettable predestined relationship slipped in the flow of life like this.Many years later, my second brother Lin Yun and I went to Washington DC to attend Reagan's inauguration ceremony. I couldn't resist calling Don.He was at the home of his parents in Virginia. An hour and a half later, he came to meet me at the residence of my second brother's friend.His cheeks are narrower than usual, his hair is thinner, and he says the years haven't left a mark on my face.We sat on the bench in the entrance, relatively speechless, and the tears still flowed uncontrollably.After more than an hour's drive, we arrived at his parents' log cabin in the forest; he said that deer often come and go at night.We walked in the "secret garden"-like courtyard, and the feeling was still the same as our first love.Back in his room, I began to long for his body strongly. He looked at me with a serious face, and then told me very seriously that I was too heavy in his heart, and he couldn't dispose of it casually with a one-night stand.We didn't speak a word as he drove me back.We had a Chinese dinner together the second night, and I left sadly on the third day.Later, I hosted the TV Grand View of the Republic of China for the "News Bureau", and went to more than 20 cities in the United States to accept media interviews. My mother accompanied me.When I arrived in DC, I still couldn't help but make a phone call to Don.I told him I still couldn't get over him, and he said he did too.After leaving DC, the first thing I do in every city is to call him.On the day I arrived in San Francisco, I spoke with him on the phone, and he told me that in the morning he opened the astrology column of the newspaper and saw that people with the Sun in Pisces would end an old relationship on that day. Although he doesn't believe in astrology at all.Half a year after I returned to Taiwan, I called him again, and he said that he was dating an outgoing and enthusiastic American female reporter.Her outgoingness seemed to balance out his excessively withdrawn habits, and the relationship developed just fine.Strangely, I didn't feel lost when I heard it, I just wished him all the best, and then this relationship officially came to an end.

There was a quality of ecstasy in the relationship between Don and me, the ability to penetrate each other's soul without words.If we can give up self-protection, maybe we can forget both.However, for many years we have been lingering outside the door of true love, unwilling to accept its whipping and trials, so our life is always what Gibran said, there are no seasons, laughter cannot be completely, and crying cannot be fully enjoyed.We are afraid of disturbing the darkness at the bottom of our consciousness and awakening the sleeping ghosts; we would rather suppress and escape than maintain a false peace.When a person cannot fully face the truth in his heart, addiction will gradually form, and my future boyfriend is actually a heart disease.

After breaking up with Don, as my popularity increased, I became a virtual dream girl in the minds of many men. To this day, people tell me how obsessed they were with me.Yet this illusion, created by me, the media, and everyone else, has become the most destructive third party in my intimate relationships.This perfect illusion is too easy to trigger the possession, jealousy, insecurity, fear, violence, measurement and power struggle buried deep in human nature; this illusion once caused the waiter in the restaurant to stab my male friend with a flat drill A strange man beat up one of my boyfriends, and "she" was the cause of my "cuckold phobia" in my intimate relationship.

I remember that the outstanding French actress Jeanne Moreau (Jeanne Moreau) once said a very heroic sentence. She said that she had had countless boyfriends in her life, and she wished she could own a building with hundreds of rooms, and put her once loved All the men who have passed are kept in it.Although I have never carefully counted my lovers on my fingers and toes, I think I have quite a lot of sexual experience among Chinese women.However, strictly speaking, there are only three people who really affected my growth and prompted my transformation.Among the three, the one I am most "grateful" to should be Earl Lee.

Li Ao and I (1) Since I divorced Li Ao, the books he wrote have not aroused any interest for me, but in order to detail the old things between us, I still bought a copy, the content is as expected, still speaking in the usual way of turning black and white method and sophisticated data to rationalize his childlike desire to survive.To this day he cannot be honest about his personality disorder [1], which makes me smile.As recorded in his memoirs, we met for the first time on September 15, 1979, at Mr. Xiao Mengneng's home in Garden New City.Before that, the word "Li Ao" was no stranger to me. Not only was it not unfamiliar, it was simply the idol I admired the most among Chinese literati, and this obsessive worship was planted since childhood.

At that time, Li Ao’s parents lived in the dormitory of Taichung No. 1 Middle School, which was very close to our hometown in Cunxin Lane. I often heard cousin Guang Xia and his mother talk about Li Ao’s anecdotes, such as his refusal to cry at his father’s funeral, He didn't want to salute according to the rules, and it was even rumored that he once carried a bed from Taipei and gave it to Aunt Li.At that time, I thought to myself: I don't know what the real face of Lushan Mountain will be like.In addition, I often saw Aunt Li wearing a plain long cheongsam, with a bun on her hair and a small handkerchief rolled in her hand, walking by the long ditch with her head bowed in thought.My mother once said to me in a low voice: "This is Li Ao's mother. She must be going to the movies. Li Ao mentioned in the article that her mother likes to watch romantic literary films." Later, I heard from my father that he and Li Ao's father used to be colleagues. , it feels a little more familiar.

The first time I saw Li Ao in Xiao's house, I was quite surprised.When I read his articles in college, I subjectively believed that he should be a rebellious liberal, but I didn’t expect that my temperament was completely conservative like that of the fundamentalist—— fair skin, medium build, and honest eyes under the glasses , the tip of the nose is slightly hooked, and the voice of the speech gives people a feeling that the vocal cords are very short.The shape of his mouth reminds me of my classmate Jian Mingyan from the attached elementary school because of the protruding lower teeth.When he saw our mother and daughter, he bowed a big ninety-degree bow in a very regular manner. Later, my mother told me that his bow was really scary, and no one in this era has made such a big bow.He was dressed conservatively, his arms were slightly shorter in proportion, and his hands were smaller than the average man's. Overall, he looked a bit feminine.That night I wore a pale lime green cotton gown, with big bare feet and no slippers.Li Ao stared at my feet all night, I thought he was checking something, and then I learned from him that he has a foot fetish.Standing next to him was his girlfriend at the time, Liu Huiyun, who was petite and delicate, she looked quite suitable for Li Ao, and I was very comfortable throughout the night, which proved that Li Ao and I did not fall in love at first sight, otherwise I would not be able to relax; The chemistry between them is quite tense.Later Li Ao gave me a copy of his new book, and the line he signed for me in the book ("Sleepwalker under Zhenghong Banner") made me have some reverie.

Not long after, Li Ao asked me out for coffee one day, and we talked about the article "Li Ao the Maverick" I wrote for him in the column of "Commercial Daily" and other trivial matters; There are not many topics that can produce intersections.Later, he took me to his home in Jinlan Building to see the collection of 100,000 volumes.He used dark wood to make a whole piece of bookshelves along the wall of the living room, and the floor was also made of dark wood. The overall look is a serious home, but what hangs on the wall is actually a clip from "Playboy" magazine. Photos of naked women coming down; the combination feels a bit out of place.I told him that the pictures of nude women looked a bit cheap and spoiled the atmosphere of the home, and he said that these pictures and portraits were among his favorite collections and had been with him for many years.I found that he is a person who can do whatever he wants. The aesthetics and design concepts developed by others have nothing to do with him. He has his own circle behind closed doors.When he introduced the bathroom, I saw that he installed an electric heater next to the bathtub, and I told him that the design was very careful, and it must be very comfortable to take a bath in winter.Entering the bedroom, looking up, there is an entire mirror on the ceiling, which is another unexpected decoration, a bit like Hugh Hefner, the owner of "Playboy" and a certain writer Interior design made together.

We sat on the couch and chatted later, and he kissed me out of the blue.I remember that the way he kissed me was something I had never experienced in my life—the angle of his head was straight when he kissed. I wonder if he was too nervous. What about the nose?I found that his method of doing this is different from that of ordinary people.I saw him pressing down straight towards my nose, sucking my upper lip forcefully (because I couldn't reach the lower lip), I was almost suffocated by the pressure, and I thought this person was too rustic .Later, when I went to the bathroom to look in the mirror, I suddenly found a circle of ocher hickeys sucked out by Mr. Li between the upper lip and the renzhong.I quickly took out the powder to cover it up, so as not to be discovered by my mother when I got home.I can't remember if we had sex that night, probably because the way he kissed was so memorable. For the next three or four days, I will have to touch up my makeup at any time to avoid showing the small circle of hickeys that are already "purple".The old mother didn't say anything, but with her clairvoyant eyes under her lightning eyebrows, it was impossible not to notice such a bizarre hickey. Li Ao's soil makes me feel very fresh, and the conflict in his personality makes me even more curious.I have always had a tendency to search for strange things. The more contradictory, complicated, and enigmatic people are, the more interested I am.Of course cats are usually killed by curiosity, but that's how philosophical non-dualism was discovered.When we started to get into the situation, I once asked Li Ao what to do with his other girlfriend, Liu Huiyun.Li Ao said something that shocked me. He said he would tell her: "I still love you 100%, but now there is a one-thousandth, so you have to avoid it for a while." Puzzled, he continued to ask Li Ao what it means to "avoid for a while". Li Ao said: "You are not sure, you may change your mind someday, so you need to wait and see for a while. I asked Liu Huiyun to go to the United States first. If you change your mind , she can come back again." Li Ao's suspiciousness and defensiveness made me very uncomfortable, and his attitude towards women who were always on call and lingering away also made me uneasy, but when people are full of expectations and projections, they are usually rejected. Leading by the vision of the future, these important subsections are whitewashed with Li Kebai. Li Ao and I (2) In mid-October, Brother Bao (Ge Xiaobao) and I went to Indonesia to perform on the stage, and my mother accompanied me for a total of 21 days.I did not want to be separated from Li Ao for such a long time in every possible way, but the salary was very high at that time. Brother Bao and I sang a few songs each, the host interviewed a few words, and told some jokes. It was easy to get a net of NT$100,000 a day.So we stopped at one stop after another, and I made long-distance calls with Li Ao at every stop.After 21 days, I spent NT$100,000 on the phone bill, and Li Ao also spent NT$80,000.Brother Bao asked me every day: "How is your Ao today?" At that time, my mother was still at the stage of "supporting with both hands and feet". She thought that the only man in Taiwan who was worthy of me was Li Ao. After 20 days, Li Ao personally picked me up at the airport when I returned to Taiwan. The reporter had obviously been waiting for me for a long time, and when they saw us, they swarmed towards us.Back at our new home in the World Tower, we found that Li Ao not only helped us install a new water heater and bought a new video recorder, but also took care of the administrator downstairs. His thoughtfulness and carefulness made my mother very satisfied.As long as my mother doesn't obstruct me, my relationship between the sexes will be smoother, Li Ao is very clear about this.Soon we decided to live together. At that time, Li Ao was ready to send Ms. Liu a sum of money and invite her to the United States to "wait and see" for a while.I moved all my clothes to Jinlan Building, and the two of us started to live a life of trial marriage. When Li Ao feels that everything is under control and the situation is safe, he is really one of the men who love women the most in the world.Every morning when I open my eyes, there must be a newspaper, a cup of hot tea and a cup of hot milk neatly placed by the bed.At that time, he had already woken up (his biological alarm clock woke him up on time every day), and he concentrated on collecting materials, making scraps and scraps in the study alone, and started his day's writing activities.His lifestyle is like a precise machine, operating regularly in routine. He does not smoke, drink, listen to music, watch TV, or play mahjong. It can be said that he has no entertainment but only work.He knows a lot of people, but he has almost no close friends. I asked him why he didn't make more friends. He said that he had a pessimistic attitude towards human nature, and even the most trusted people might secretly plot against him.My life at that time still had frequent contacts with the outside world. His life circle was slightly expanded because of my relationship, otherwise he could stay at home, the curtains were covered tightly, and the door was not even opened. After making a dog hole, he asked his younger brother Li Fang to deliver newspapers and food on time, and lived a life of self-imprisonment.His talent and mental state make me swing between the extremes of admiration and pity.I want to bring him joy, play some music I like to listen to from time to time, dance the witch dance I invented myself, and play in front of him.In those moments I was sure he was happy and unguarded, and the natural honesty and admiration on his face gave it away.He told me that he only remembers the song Denny Boy in his head, and he is completely unfamiliar with the rest. On the emotional level, Li Ao holds traditional unliberated masculine values, and it seems that only sex is superior to other feelings.However, his sexuality also has an element of self-prisonment. Even in the most intimate moments, he still cannot fully integrate into your heart.After many years of prison life, he has become too used to sexual obscenity, but his thoughts are materialized, so he is quite materialized in terms of the most basic human desires, and his spiritual manifestations are almost completely suppressed.In other words, you don't feel the love in his heart; it seems that showing selfless love is a shameful thing for him.Like many men who are emotionally undeveloped, the pleasure that sex brings him is limited to the satisfaction of desire for conquest.It was a one-sided need, he wanted the woman to be completely submissive to him, and as long as his desire to control and conquer was satisfied, he usually had a high opinion of that relationship, which you can read from his memoirs. .Both my luck and my misfortune lie in the fact that I was sexually liberated very early, and the first relationship between the sexes involved was once affectionate and integrated in every aspect of body, mind and spirit.But from the perspective of patriarchy, it is indeed not a good thing for women to have rich experience of both sexes. Once people make comparisons, it is really not easy to accept their fate.Sexual love is hard to be unconditional. It is the only first-hand experience of human beings, and it is also the fastest way for people to achieve bliss, so it is easy to make people addicted.Just because the pleasure it brings is so strong, it's hard not to expect it. just love a little (1) Whenever I expected to achieve unity with Li Ao, I always found him looking up at the playboy mirror on the ceiling, admiring his "riding skills" very seriously. I can imagine the disappointment in my heart at that time And know.During the day when he writes, I like to sit on his lap and act like a baby with him, making him happy. When I fall asleep at night, I like to hug him and sleep with him.Such a show of love is not a one-sided thing, it requires a smooth response and resonance, but Li Ao is both reserved and shy in showing love.Don't look at him writing himself as a love saint in his memoirs, even open to the extent of showing his sexual organs, in fact, behind all the exaggeration, there is a kind of opposite hidden.A psychiatric report on the Don Juan complex points out that lovers like Don Juan are actually the most closed and have the least confidence in themselves.On the surface, they are cynical, playful and charming. They express their generosity to women by flattery or petting to win women's devotion and admiration, but deep down they dare not give their true feelings.The best interpretation of this mentality is, in my opinion, a limerick written by Li Ao himself in prison: don't love that much, just love a little bit, The love of others is like the depths of the sea, My love is shallow. don't love that much, Just love a little bit. The love of others is as long as the sky, My love is short. don't love that much, Just love a little bit. Others flirt and frown, I just peek at you. At the end of this poem, Li Ao said some of his views on love, which further explained Don Juan's complex.He said: "I dealt with the messy threads of love with a cynical attitude similar to that of a philanderer. I believe that love is a part of life, and it should only account for a proportion. It should not be mentioned all the time day and night. Once it is mentioned, there is nothing but happiness, and there should be no other. Only the happiness has the depth, and never the pain. This is the best The proper 'love of the wise'." The above point of view is indeed Li Ao's spiritual guiding principle.But this guiding principle is entirely based on duality—there can only be happiness, but no pain; Li Ao, who has always regarded himself as a superman, is actually not superior in his outlook on life, he is the same as everyone else.Although he took "the love of the wise" as his expectation, from ancient times to the present, all wise men who can see comprehensively have realized that duality is the inversion of human nature and the root of various morbidity. The greater the opposition, the more serious the disease. Over the years, Li Ao has successfully cast a god, a rebellious hero of an era, and a hero of the past five hundred years with his writing style, talent, erudition, observation and strong sales that have developed to a certain extent but are far from the truth. Vernacular writers, so weak-willed, rebellious readers like me, who think they are unique and have dreams of redemption, began to worship him as an idol as he wished.However, idols are only suitable for viewing from a distance. Once they live under the same roof, all trivial truths will be exposed. Therefore, in the eyes of cohabitants, there are neither great men nor beauties. Living together with Li Ao not only deeply felt his self-imprisonment, closedness and fear of intimacy, but also his cleanliness, demandingness, nervousness and the fear at the bottom of these mentality.For example, I never wear slippers in the house, and I like to walk around with bare feet, so the soles of my feet are often gray and black. Li Ao's reaction to this matter is very strong.The gray and black soles of his feet are simply an immoral crime for him. Even after the divorce, he often mentioned it to others as a topic to attack me.In addition, he has high requirements for other people's excrement. If there is a peculiar smell in the tuba, it is another crime worth fighting.I remember once my wife's morality suddenly broke out and I wanted to cook for him, but my mother never allowed me to enter the kitchen except for frying rice cakes for Don, so that day when I took the frozen ribs from the refrigerator When I came out to make soup, I didn't know how to melt the ice first.I happily threw the ribs into the boiling water, and when I was about to boil the ribs soup, Li Ao rushed to me angrily, and said to me furiously: "Why are you so ignorant? Frozen ribs must be thawed first, if you don't thaw Just throw it in boiling water and boil it, and the meat will be too old to eat after a while, you idiot with no common sense!" He was right, I am indeed a person who lacks common sense in life, and I have never been in it under the control of my mother. In the kitchen, I have never been to a vegetable market or a post office, and I don’t even know how to write a check.Li Ao's words are always plausible, but he always ignores that the emotion behind the argument is the most precious quality of human nature.His rage and disdain in his words made me feel that the pot of pork rib soup was more important than my existence, so I turned my head and went into the bedroom, took some clothes and put them in the box, and went home without saying a word.Li Ao's heart softened later, and he took me back to Jinlan from the World Tower, and the two of them got back together again. Another day I put the cleaned cutting board over the screen window to dry. When Li Ao walked into the kitchen and saw this action, he screamed hysterically again: "Did you see this? The screen window is loose, so heavy A cutting board is put on it, and it will be crushed in a short time. Then the board will fall from the 12th floor to the ground, plus the acceleration of gravity, if someone happens to walk by at this time, his head will definitely be smashed If we lose our brains, then we will have to lose a lot of money.” I was dumbfounded by his pervasive sense of crisis, and I wondered how I could live on like this, so I packed up my clothes and went back to the World Tower with my suitcase.I don't know how many times there are back and forth between the world and Jinlan. One day when I walked out of Jinlan very depressed, Li Ao's neighbors saw that my expression was not right, so they kindly told me that they had been neighbors with Li Ao for several years, and they probably knew him better than I did.He suggested that I should not ask him by the standard of ordinary people, but treat him as a patient who needs help and may be easier to get along with.After being reminded by bystanders, I began to determine that Li Ao needed help.However, I am not a doctor, and he is so tough, how can I help?From that day on, I began to learn to face him with a calm attitude, and I found that he did have some abnormal physical and mental phenomena.For example, he is very afraid of the cold. When winter comes, he wears so many clothes that I bend over laughingly—he usually wears two sanitary clothes, a woolen vest, a cotton jacket, and a fur robe , and had to wear a fur hat on his head.How can the winter in Taiwan be so cold? This outfit is about the same as in the Northeast.I asked him why he needed to be fully armed, and he said that God would plot against him.Later he told me that when he was being trained as a reserve officer, everyone once marched to a cemetery for the night. When it was almost dawn in the morning, he was suddenly awakened by a cold air, and he was so cold that he was shivering all over. Since then, every winter He was prepared to fear being plotted against by God. just love a little (2) In addition to having "cold phobia", Li Ao also has "cuckold phobia".Possessiveness and jealousy are human nature, but Li Ao's possessiveness is beyond ordinary people.His hysterical tendencies always got on my nerves, and I remember having my whole face covered in dense pimples in one week.I rarely have outdoor activities with him. One day I need to go for a jog to improve blood circulation.After jogging for an hour, I returned to Jinlan. Li Ao asked me what I did when I went out, and I told the truth. He was very unhappy and said that I would definitely flirt with men on the road when I went out for a jog, so I was not allowed to run anymore. In his drawer one day I stumbled across an old notebook with small, crooked handwriting that read like a misogynist rant from a man emotionally traumatized and dumped by his girlfriend.Although Li Ao later practiced Hu Shiti's good handwriting, I guess the handwriting on the old notebook should be from his early years.Soon I found an opportunity to ask his friend the truth about his early emotional experiences.His friend told me that when Li Ao was at National Taiwan University, he had taken sleeping pills three times for Luo's girlfriend's departure, but his classmates found out that he was sent to the hospital for colon cleansing and was rescued.I read his memoirs, and he wrote about this incident truthfully, but only mentioned one suicide.He confessed that for three or four years, he failed to change the biggest dilemma by replacing the old one with a new lover.I think the trauma Li Ao suffered during his first love seriously affected his attitude towards women in the future.In fact, like me, he fell into an addiction for a long time after his first love; the Don Juan complex is the most typical example of addiction. The more I understand his upbringing, the more I can face his hysterical tendencies with a calm mind.Once he quarreled with me, he took out a pair of large scissors, and cut an antique jacket I just bought from Zhang Muyang in half, and I quickly snatched it off to stop him from continuing to fight The scissors pointed the blade at his heart, and he immediately calmed down when he saw the situation.But the night is long, I don't know if he will have ups and downs, so I slipped out of the gate barefoot while he was not paying attention, and passers-by looked at me curiously when I stopped a taxi on the road feet.Another time when I was sitting in the car with him and was about to drive up the Fudan Bridge, I told him that I wanted to break up with him. He threatened to crash into the safety island and die with me. I sat quietly and he saw that I didn’t respond. The idea of ​​dying together was dispelled.His spiritual manifestation made me realize that many violent acts of people are the cry of "craving" issued from fear, inferiority and powerlessness.I moved in and out back and forth, in fact, I just wanted to try again to see if I could tolerate him, comfort him, and give him some happiness, but the result always disappointed me. I am very discouraged by my limitations, narrowness and unforgiveness, but I am really unable to protect myself. I try my best, but I am still unable to protect myself! From marriage to divorce (1) The conclusion of Jinlan with the world was already an unattainable dream, and with the obstruction of my mother, things became more complicated.It is said that Li Ao took a sum of money to Ms. Liu and asked her to stand by in the United States for a while, but after a while Li Ao suddenly felt sorry for the money again.One day my mother was chatting with us in Jinlan, Li Ao suddenly said to my mother, "I have already given Liu Huiyun 2.1 million. If you really love your daughter, you should give 2.1 million." It's the relative fund." The old mother's face changed drastically when she heard it, and she turned around after saying a few words, and Li Ao's face was also very ugly.The next day when I went back to the World Tower, my mother said to me firmly: "Li Ao has made it clear that he wants to cheat us of money, but you must not marry him!" You are the one who agrees, and you are the one who opposes with both hands and feet. I am not a ping-pong ball between you. It is up to me to decide whether to marry or not.Originally, I was very hesitant about this marriage, but now in order to fight for autonomy, I am determined to get married, so I returned home to Jinlan in my pajamas.On the morning of May 6th, in the living room of Li Ao’s house, Gao Xinjiang, editor-in-chief of “China Times” and writer Meng Juezi witnessed the marriage. My bridal dress was the pajamas, and I had to send someone to keep an eye on the door during the wedding. , afraid that my mother would obstruct me halfway.As for what happened after the marriage, Li Ao used his highly selective memory and only recorded that my father invited us to a friendly dinner, but he forgot that the marriage certificate was torn in half by me that afternoon. Act of kindness. The thing is like this, when we decided to get married, Li Ao promised me a condition: on the afternoon of the wedding, our godfather must accompany us back to the World Tower, and re-establish a good relationship with my mother.It is impossible for me to have a husband and not have contact with my mother from now on. If I want to contact, the relationship must be harmonious, otherwise I will become a sandwich cake again, and I will not be human on both sides.After the wedding, Mr. Yu Jizhong invited us to have lunch, and returned to Jinlan Building after the meal. Unexpectedly, Li Ao sat on the toilet and asked me to make him a cup of tea, and said triumphantly: "You have signed the contract now, Let me see where you can run, go and make me some tea!" At first I thought he was joking, but after seeing the serious expression on his face, I thought this person really had a mental problem, so I went to the drawer and took out the marriage certificate, stood in front of him and tore the "contract" in half with a single swipe, and then said to him: "Do you think this piece of paper can restrain me?" No How long did the godfather come to visit, Li Ao said to the godfather very bluntly, how could he apologize to an inexplicable old woman, the godfather was so angry that his face turned red, and I had to accompany the godfather back to the World Building.A few days later, Li Ao called to negotiate. He said that if he would stand at the door of my house and be scolded by Mrs. Hu, would I go back to Jinlan with him after an hour of scolding? I said, "Okay, I promise you this." condition." Soon Li Ao really came to visit, with a box of gifts in his hand. When the old mother opened the door and saw that it was Li Ao, she scolded without saying a word: "You inhuman thing, how dare you come to the door?..." The old mother scolded. After an hour, Li Ao stood still, and when the time came, he looked at it and expressed his consent for me to go back with him. I fulfilled my promise and went back to Jinlan with him with the suitcase. As I said before, if nothing happens in my life, it will be a domino effect.Mr. Xiao Mengneng, who had already gone to Chile in South America, suddenly returned to Taiwan in February.When he was abroad, Li Ao, Li Fang and I moved many antiques and furniture back to Jinlan from his home in Huayuan New City.I asked Li Ao why he emptied everything, and he said that he was doing it for Mr. Xiao.Mr. Xiao has a house named Jinglu in Tianmu. Li Ao said that in order to facilitate handling, the house must be temporarily transferred to my name.During this period, Li Ao often talked with Li Fang on the phone. Li Ao's attitude on the phone was very mysterious, and his voice was so low that I couldn't hear his conversation with such good hearing.I curiously asked him what he was doing, and he said that he was dealing with the sale and purchase of Mr. Xiao's crystal building.The first thing Mr. Xiao did after returning to Taiwan was to find Li Ao. Li Ao avoided meeting him, but I didn't know.He couldn't find Li Ao, so he had to invite my mother out, and told my mother that the house in Huayuan New Town had been rented out, and all the antiques and furniture had been emptied. The crystal building that was dealt with was even auctioned off by the court.Xiao Mengneng, an upright gentleman who has always "obeyed Li Ao's words" and "has no complaints" (Li Ao's own words in his memoirs), is the founder of "Wenxing" magazine and Wenxing Bookstore, and Li Ao's comrade-in-arms for many years. He is just like me. He is an out-and-out idiot in life. We are all controlled by people who are not afraid of trouble because we are too lazy to deal with the tedious affairs of life. After hearing the whole story, my mother immediately called Jinlan to find me and asked me to go back to the World Tower to meet Mr. Xiao and his girlfriend Wang Jianfen.On June 10th, Mr. Xiao told me face to face while sitting in the living room of his home in the World Tower, that he and Li Ao had shared hardships for many years, so it can be said that he completely trusted each other's friendship.Li Ao is much better than him in handling finances, so all his big and small money matters are left to Li Ao's manager, and he will sign whatever Li Ao wants him to sign, without even asking.Jianfen said that Mr. Xiao's behavior was almost like a big idiot, and I said that I knew him very well.Jianfen went on to say that fortunately she reminded Mr. Xiao to make a copy of an 18-foot-long property list written by Li Ao himself. If they want to sue Li Ao for embezzlement, that is the only legal evidence.Later, in the chat, Mr. Xiao mentioned one thing. He said that he didn’t care about those antiques that were removed. Only a small piece of red silk cloth from Qianlong’s imperial seal was a real valuable family heirloom, and that was the only thing he cared about. s things.I suddenly remembered that Li Ao once proudly showed me a piece of red silk cloth from Emperor Qianlong. He said that he bought this treasure at a low price of 500 yuan from an antique dealer on A Brighter Summer Day ten years ago, because the boss I don't know the goods.After listening to Mr. Xiao's words, I already had a score in my heart.Li Ao always said that he doesn't pay attention to motives, but only facts, but any sane person knows that motives are the most important.At this time, my last illusion about Li Ao was shattered.The wise man is right. If you want to maintain a relationship, you need to expect as little as possible. If you don’t have any expectations, you can love unconditionally. But I must admit that when I was young, my expectations of human nature were probably too high.The Li Ao in my fantasy is a chivalrous man with insight and beyond fame and fortune, not a "smart criminal" who seeks more for his own selfishness.So I secretly made up my mind to go. From Marriage to Divorce (2) Soon Li Ao had another dispute with Four Seas Records.Folk singer and record producer Qiu Chen saw what Li Ao had written in the media, and wanted to compose it into a song, so he and Liao Dong and his wife from all over the world invited me and Li Ao to discuss publishing this song at the God of Fortune Hotel.Qiu Chen asked Li Ao what requirements he had for the remuneration of the lyrics, Li Ao said no problem, just compare with the remuneration of ordinary authors.Later, Qiu Chen finished recording the sound, and was preparing to give the remuneration to Li Ao the day after the record was released, but Li Ao began to avoid seeing each other.Soon after Mr. Liao came back from abroad, he personally brought a gift to see Li Ao. Li Ao said that the payment was two days late and did not follow the rules, so he had to resort to the law, but he could reconcile in private, so he asked for two million yuan (it seems He is very superstitious about this number, probably because he has successfully obtained two million Taiwan dollars from Gu Zhenfu by comparing this method).Mr. Liao asked Li Ao to give him a week to think about it, and Li Ao agreed.Mr. Liao took advantage of this week to recall all the records that had been sent out, and published a statement in the newspaper that if the dealer continued to sell the record, he had to bear the legal responsibility himself.Later, Sihai changed the lyrics of that song to money, money, money. During this period, I have become vigilant and know a little about the city.I quietly moved my private seal, household register, paintings and clothes back home bit by bit, and when the move was almost done, I would not go back to live in Jinlan.At this time, I started to ask for a divorce, but Li Ao refused. He said he would delay me for the rest of my life, and I thought he might do so.Unexpectedly, he called one night and asked me to go to Director Liu Weibin's house, and he was willing to divorce unconditionally.Director Liu is also a family friend who grew up in Xinbei, Taichung, and his wife Sun Chunhua is one of the women I have always liked very much. I arrived at Brother Liu's house, chatted with Chunhua for a while, and then everyone sat down.Li Ao took out a pen and paper and began to write the divorce agreement. I felt a sense of expectation that I would be relieved immediately.In the middle of writing, he suddenly turned around and said to me that I must give him my private seal and household registration book so that he can handle the transfer procedures of Jinglu.He didn't know that I had returned the house to the original owner with the assistance of lawyer Li Yongran.I told Li Ao that I couldn't give him such an important thing, because I didn't know what he would do with it.At this moment, Li Ao's expression changed, and he began to swear all kinds of bad words angrily. He jumped and competed again, wanting to challenge me one-on-one like crazy.I listened quietly at first, and when I couldn't bear it anymore, I picked up a heavy potted plant raised by Chunhua on the coffee table next to him, and when I was about to smash it in the direction of his head, Big Brother Liu hugged him It hit me; I used too much force, and the rebound made Brother Liu dodge on the spot.The two of them quarreled like this for several hours, and then suddenly realized that it was almost dawn, so they walked to the dining table alone and ate the supper (which had already become breakfast) prepared by Chunhua alone, when Li Ao suddenly changed A face came to my side and said to me with a pleasant face: "Yinyin! Let's settle this matter properly!" I said to him without raising my head: "It's too late, let's wait and see !" On August 26, Mr. Xiao Mengneng held a press conference, and then Four Seas Records and I joined forces to entertain reporters and announced the truth about Li Ao.The next day all the newspapers published the news, and the public was in an uproar. My whole body was filled with the will to fight.On August 28, Li Ao decided to divorce me under the persuasion of his friends.He first held a press conference, distributed a written statement, and wrote five emotional speeches.Some female journalist friends who were close to me took this statement and immediately rushed to the World Tower and told me that if I couldn’t give Li Ao a written statement immediately, the content published in the newspaper the next day would definitely be one-sided. , because his writing is really "moving".So I responded to his statement within five minutes with tears in my eyes.I didn't keep that piece of paper, but I only remember that the content was to hope that he would take care of himself and never encounter "temptations" again.In the afternoon, Li Ao took a bouquet of flowers and wore the thin tie I gave him. Accompanied by a lawyer, he went to the World Tower to sign the divorce agreement with me.When he shook hands with me, I suddenly realized clearly that although we had gone through an indescribably ridiculous drama, the message conveyed by the palm of the hand was still emotional, so the tense fighting spirit was completely disintegrated in an instant .As soon as my heart softened, my tears couldn't stop pouring out, and I felt extremely helpless for human nature.There is no one who does not want to love and be loved, even those who are as hard as Li Ao. However, the way we court love is so twisted and absurd, and love is mixed with so much fear and self-preservation. After Li Ao signed the divorce agreement, he called me shortly after returning to Jinlan. He said that he thought there was still a deep relationship between us. Throw it aside, have a good quiet moment, and then make a decision.While weeping, I said to him full of regret: "The jade is already broken, I'm afraid it will be difficult to seal it again." Then he changed the subject and said to me immediately: "The ownership certificate of Jinglu is in my hands, you I have committed the crime of forgery in the law, did the lawyer tell you about this?" I told him with vigilance that I didn't know the legal issues involved, and I left everything to the lawyer, and he hung up soon after. Telephone.I later learned that he had recorded the call from beginning to end.He made me realize that vigilance is necessary, and crisis will appear when people neglect it. explore deep inside After the divorce, I seemed to have undergone a thorough baptism. My weight was reduced to 44 kilograms, and my ribs were exposed, but I was in good spirits and my mood was surprisingly calm.Although I have experienced the big right and wrong for the first time in my life, I am still full of longing for human nature.I compare myself to Black Friday in "Robinson Crusoe", oscillating between distorted civilization and naive primitiveness, but there is always a lingering feast in the corner of my heart, a weekend carnival after Friday.In the columns, I successively wrote "Friday's World" and "Matrilineal Society" to express my joy and understanding after the catastrophe.I was filming the TV series "Love in the Blue Sea" during the day, and I concentrated on my work with almost no thoughts. I didn't even have dreams at night when I slept. It was like a peaceful state of mind.It was at that stage that I started to practice the great resting posture of yoga. I lay on my back, slowly adjusted my breath, and combined with some visualization to let myself enter a sedation. Just as I was gradually getting deeper into the inner dimension, Li Ao began to accuse me of forging documents, and I had to go to court to face a lawsuit that had nothing to do with me.Going to court to fight Li Ao's lawsuit is another kind of shock. His sophistry ability to turn black and white makes me almost bow down to him.In order to smear my personality, he actually printed a written statement and distributed it to the reporters of the newspapers present, saying that I was a call girl who charged 100,000 Taiwan dollars a night (he knew that Bao Ge and I were paid 100,000 Taiwan dollars a day for appearing on stage in Indonesia. 10,000 yuan), so my testimony is not enough to be accepted.At that time, Yu Yeying, an upright senior reporter, was sitting next to me. As soon as he got the flyer, he showed me the leaflet immediately, and then quickly discussed with other journalist friends, reminding everyone not to be fooled by Li Ao.I have a lot of gossip in the media, but most reporters know that I am a romantic who only wants love and disdains to exchange love for money.Later, Li Ao's statement was not published in the newspaper. The resentment accumulated in several years of lawsuits was like a hook, tightly hooking me and Li Ao in my heart. Later, I read the wonderful book "Eternal Life of the Soul", and suddenly realized that the director of the predicament was myself. I should be responsible for everything, so the hook was loosened, and the whole person became more relaxed.At that time, I was filming the comedy "The Big Stupid Thief" in Hong Kong. Every day I read "The Eternal Life of the Soul" and tried to persuade Xu Guanwen to pick it up and read it.Shen Gongzi (Mr. Shen Junshan) went to Hong Kong to meet Jin Yong. One night he chatted with me in a coffee shop. I also discussed this book with him enthusiastically, but obviously it did not resonate with me.Although I don't get any intellectual resonance, my mood is still extremely brisk. I often walk alone in the streets of Tsim Sha Tsui with my Walkman dancing and singing. The joy must have infected many passers-by. You can know a thing or two about your smile. Shortly after returning to Taiwan, I received a notice from the court. I still had to face the harassment in reality, but my mood was quite different.I remember that on the morning of the court, my mother and I arrived a little earlier, and the door of the court had not yet opened. I turned around and looked out to the yard, and found Li Ao sitting alone on the bench opposite.A thought suddenly arose in my mind, as if the two of us performed an absurd show together, just to transform the anger and hatred in our innate personality, as if it was something we agreed upon before reincarnation.At that time, I didn't interfere with this idea with my rational test, I just naturally thought that was the case, so I couldn't help but bowed at ninety degrees to Mr. Li who was sitting far away (like the first time he met Mr. Xiao at Xiao's house) to my move).Li Ao reacted slightly, but I don't know if he understood the meaning of my actions.When I got out of the court, I jumped up to him and said to him: "I think the two of us are bored, let's have a good time, but can this farce be stopped?" Li Ao said with a wry smile on his face : "Actually, I don't want to act either, but I'm already stuck." I think he finally spoke from the bottom of his heart, and at that moment all the resentment in my heart disappeared completely. It didn't take long for the judge to acquit me. As soon as the hook in my heart was loosened, the knot on the outside was also loosened.Under Li Ao's "true evidence" offensive, Mr. Xiao lost his lawsuits and was imprisoned twice. The third time he decided not to accompany him in this ridiculous drama, so he immigrated to the United States with Jianfen.Every time someone mentioned Li Ao, he still praised Mr. Li's talent without any hatred, which made Jianfen even more incredible.Li Ao himself was imprisoned once for the crime of embezzlement under the 18-foot-long real evidence, but he still described that disreputable prison disaster as "the second political prisoner's imprisonment" in his memoirs. .He is well versed in the psychology of the masses. In all pan-politicized Taiwan, people's hearts are so superficial that as long as they resort to political persecution, once the vigor of the same hatred is aroused, who cares whether the "Truth News Network" is talking about the truth? , just cool! After the lawsuit, I ran into Li Ao three times in a row at different places in the East District of Taipei.I walked over to shake hands with him to say hello, and I felt a strange feeling that "there was never any entanglement", as if he was just a friend I met for the first time, and I said a few words of greeting to each other before going on the road.More than ten years later, when my health fell to the bottom due to caesarean section and teratoma, Li Ao began to criticize me constantly in his TV programs and books, which made me have a psychological insight——hate There's always the opposite emotion behind it, as if he's still haunted or still terrified of something.I have never had the opportunity to let him understand my psychological truth in this karmic relationship, which seems to be a kind of debt and unfinished responsibility to him.I hope this 10,000-word confession can make him clear—"Only hate itself is the destroyer."All attacks and dissatisfaction with others are basically harmless (if that person has transcended the problem of face); this force only hurts itself in the process.No matter how many ignorant supporters a person has, what he faces when the lights are turned off at the end is still the lonely self and the struggle to justify himself.