Chapter 36 my childhood

When it comes to childhood, it always makes people yearn for it. No matter whether childhood is happy or sad, people always feel that it is the most profound part of life; there are many impressions, many habits, which are deeply carved in his personality and temperament. , and affect his life. My childhood life has been described unconsciously in many fragmentary words. When Mangui proposed this topic to me, I still felt interested and wrote it happily. A middle-aged person, unwilling to say any more emotional words, although the memory is full of tearful smiles, I only roughly draw my childhood environment and training, and everything left on my hobbies or habits, maybe some Parents are willing to use it as a reference.

Let me start with my genetics: my father was an admiral in such good health that I never remember him being on a sick bed. My grandfather was also in good health, and died of no illness at the age of eighty-six.My mother was very thin, and often had headaches and vomiting blood—I also had this symptom of vomiting blood. It was not tuberculosis, but swelling of the air branches of the lungs, and it would happen when I was overworked or worried—so I remembered it in my childhood. Mother, is a very gentle and quiet woman, either doing work or reading, her life is very peaceful. Although my mother said that I vomited blood when I was able to vomit milk, but in my childhood, I never had an attack, and I don’t remember any serious illness I had at that time. In those seven or eight years of life in the mountains and seas, I was mostly my father's child, and less than half my mother's daughter!

Before me, my mother gave birth to two older brothers, both of whom died at birth, and under me, a younger sister died.My eldest brother is six years younger than me.Before my eldest brother was born, I was the only child at home. The environment turned me into a "wild child" in my childhood, without any girlish atmosphere.Our home was always near a naval barracks, or a naval school.There are no female companions of the same age as me around, I have never played with "dolls", I have never learned needlework, I have never put on makeup, I have never worn bright clothes, and I have never worn flowers.

On the other hand, because of my mother's illness and the calmness of the family, I stayed by my father's side all day long, participated in his various work and activities, and gained experience that even ordinary men can't get.For all convenience, I always wear men's clothing, usually military uniform.My parents called me "elder brother", and my younger brothers called me "brother", which made me forget it later. When my father was working, someone would often take me out. My travels included flag towers, forts, navy docks, gunpowder depots, and the Dragon King Temple.My talking partners are workers repairing guns, disabled soldiers guarding powder depots, sailors, and officers. Most of them are from Shandong, kind and simple. They told me many strange and tragic stories at sea.Sometimes I meet farmers and fishermen and talk about the daily life in the mountains and seas.At that time, apart from my mother and the wives of my father's colleagues, I hardly saw a single woman.

After the age of four, begin to recognize words.When I was six or seven years old, I was studying at home with my cousins.They are four or five years older than me, and they still can't play anywhere. I often go to the mountains and the sea alone.It was an extremely familiar environment, every grass, every stone, every sand and every foam, I had infinite kindness.I often walk alone on the beach, and when the tide comes, it seems as if the sky and the earth are floating!When the tide goes out, it seems that the coast and I are sucked away!The childish heart is often embarrassed by this kind "greatness".At dusk, the resting bugle sounded, and the four mountains echoed. The sound was majestic and long. The familiar tune also made me want to cry for no reason. .

Because I had no playmates, I learned to read at a very young age, and got a habit of "reading well, but not seeking to understand deeply".My teacher loves me very much, and often teaches me to recite some poems, which I sometimes appreciate very much.For example, "I don't see the ancients in the past, and I don't see the coming ones in the future. I recite the longness of the world, and I feel sad and weep." When I was alone on the mountain, I often recited it silently. The nearest city to us is Yantai, and my father sometimes takes me there to go to banquets, visit the Tianhou Palace, or listen to operas.My father didn't like to listen to operas, because I was watching "Three Kingdoms" at that time, and my father went to the theater to order plays for me, such as "The Straw Boat Borrowing Arrows", "The Meeting of Heroes", "Hua Rong Dao" and so on.Even though I don't know the script, I feel very happy when I see the characters in the book on the stage.That's why I still don't hate Beijing opera, and I like to listen to Xu Sheng, painted face, and black-headed operas.

A little older, I learned some delicate mischief, my toys have progressed from shovels and sand buckets to cricket jars and kites, I collect beautiful pebbles and keep them in magnetic jars, I learn to compose poems, and write chapters and novels , but it can’t be the end of the chapter, because my interest is still outdoors, and I seldom bow my head at my desk. Father likes to grow flowers and raise dogs, and this is his only pastime in his spare time.Therefore, I was not afraid of animals since I was a child, and I have a general interest in flowers and trees.My mother doesn't like dogs, but she also loves flowers. On summer nights, we often drink beer and soft drinks under the flower stand of the bean shed to enjoy the shade.My mother went to rest very early, and my father took me to the flag platform to watch the stars. He pointed out the names and positions of each constellation to me.He often said: "Don't you see that the stars are very small and far away from us? But we people at sea can't live without them for a while. Seeing stars when lost at sea is like seeing family members." Therefore, I still love stars. Even better than Aiyue.

My father often took me to visit warships and pointed out everything on the warships. I only felt that everything was neat, clean, bright, and white; I always felt unspeakable admiration and envy in my heart.I also often get close to many of my father’s friends, such as Mr. Sa Zhenbing, Mr. Huang Zanhou—Admiral Huang Zhongying, the first Minister of the Navy in the Republic of China—they are all very serious and kind at the same time, and their lives are so disciplined and peaceful. , They also wrote poems and often sang with their father. They were what the literati at that time called "Qiu with a singing pot, elegant Confucian generals".My ideal at the time was to be like my father, and these close friends of my father never thought that my "sexuality" prevented me from being their follower.

This kind of life continued until I was eleven years old. After that, we went back to our hometown—Fuzhou—and our life changed a lot.I can't thank you enough for this transformation either!If the training before the age of ten continues, I will easily become a male woman, and my mind may not be sound.Because of this change, I gradually walked from my father's side to my mother's arms, and began my teenage years. The impressions and facts of my childhood left behind my personality. The first is my serious attitude towards life. I like a tidy, disciplined and clean life. The second is that I like the open and lofty environment, I am not afraid of loneliness, I am not afraid of being alone, I am willing to often disappear in the vastness.So when I go to the wild, it's like returning to my hometown. I don't like living in the city, and I'm afraid of socializing. I don't have the hobby of the city.

The third is that I don't like to wear clothes in bright colors, what I like is black, blue, gray, white.Sometimes my mother would force me to wear slightly brighter clothes once or twice. I always feel very shy and unnatural, and I have to take them off immediately after putting them on. I think this is completely a matter of habit. Under the circumstances, girls who like nature should "dress up"! The fourth is that I like straightforward, frank and natural communication.It's hard for me to force myself to do things I don't want to do, meet people I don't want to meet, and eat things I don't want to eat!My mother often said that this is a kind of "willfulness" and cannot be a "great" personality.

The fifth is my general respect for soldiers throughout my life. In my heart, soldiers are the crystallization of nobility, bravery and discipline.I am also interested in everything related to the army. When it comes to childhood, I often thank my good parents, they cultivated me a calm, "returning to nature" habit, they gave me a happy and clean environment, so I can be self-sufficient and content in any environment.I respect life and cherish life. I have no hatred for human beings. I think many shortcomings can be improved, as long as people are determined and willing to work hard. This is not an easy task, because life is a blank slate, and its essence is neither pain nor happiness.Our outlook on life is formed by the environment. People who believe that life is upward, have courage, and others will be happy because of it. Not only do I often miss my parents, but I am also often vigilant about how we should be parents.On March 27, 1942, Geleshan. This article was written forty years ago in Chongqing.At that time, my student Li Mangui was editing a women's publication, and she gave me this title.Because people often asked me to "do things I don't want to do, say things I don't want to say, and meet people I don't want to see", but it was difficult for me to force myself to do that, so I took this opportunity to play my best. Views.After I wrote it, I completely forgot about this "My Childhood"!This time, Comrade Zhuo Ru edited my "Ji Shi Zhu" for the "New Literature and Historical Materials Series", and copied it from a Chongqing publication. I read it like meeting an old friend.Because the last sentence in this essay reads: "Not only do I always miss my parents, but I also often warn how we should be parents." When the editor of "Parents Must Read" came to ask me for a manuscript, I had to take this An old work to fill in the blame.I don't know if there is any reference value for parents 40 years later? August 24, 1982.Could it be that you are cold in life, why are you trembling like autumn leaves; it is cool here, wait for me to slowly pull you away.You see how clear the sky is, the drops of bright spring stars; the eyebrows of the new moon are as beautiful as the eyebrows, and there is happiness and light on your head.Look at how beautiful the lights are, and the gentleness of orange is revealed in the spun window; doesn't this give you some warmth? Even if you have deep sorrow like the sea.See the warmth on your fingertips, see the smile on your lips - do you feel that life is in your arms? You have searched for this for many years. In the spring of 1942, Gele Mountain. (This article was originally published in Volume 4, Issue 9 of "Women's New Movement" in November 1942.)