Chapter 26 past events (2)

She is a graceful swallow, floating across the sea, the moon is bright and the wind is tight, she dare not stay - in the flight she frequently looks back Always with nostalgia! one It snowed heavily that day, and in the gloomy dusk, I sent a friend out of the mountain.On the fluffy snow, we are engraved neatly and distinctly Footprints of peers.On the way back alone, I accidentally lowered my head and saw the white and even snowflakes. At this moment, it was already lightly Covered our tracks when we went. ——On the vast white land, who else knows that under this piece of snow, a moment ago, there was a fellow

OK, have a farewell? My heart is deeply immersed in sorrow because of my awakening! Su Dongpo's: It should be like Feihong stepping on the snow mud - accidentally leaving fingers and claws on the mud, Hongfei's recalculation thing! ………… Those few sentences haven't come to an end yet, isn't it just that Hong Fei doesn't count things anymore?Even the fingers and claws on the slush are unavoidable... So life is full of confusion everywhere! What is life really?How erratic?It is like the new wind blowing head-on, and when it hits the face, it is clear that it feels bitingly cold; it blew past in a hurry, and scattered into the woods and into the sky with no reason or effect, and rode fast There is nowhere to find the horse.

The original is also boring, but when the thin paper is kept, it may last longer than the clear and fast snow. Today is not happy, amidst the soft sound of pines and waves, on the mountain pavilion where the wind blows from all directions, I write "Past Events" again.The history of life is turned page by page, and gradually approaching the middle, the pages are wonderful, and the colors of the pictures are more vivid, which shakes my heart and eyes.These are the handwriting of the Creator. He understated it, and unfolded it in front of my eyes; I looked up and added one or two embellishments.

After embellishment, looking at it for myself, it seems that I feel emotional, how many times can life stand to be rewritten?Life is lost in the blink of a pen... At this time, the spring rain from the green mountains has already sprinkled on the pine tops! March 7, 1924, Qingshan. two How can you have a heart?However, he was invited by a friend to say goodbye—it was already dusk when he came back.There is no electric light tonight, and two candles are burning in the middle hall. The flickering lights and shadows come out from the bamboo curtains, making me feel desolate. Walking into the yard, I could already hear my mother talking intermittently with Han and Jie.When I went in, the sound of the curtain was silent.

The mother just lowered her head to do the needlework. Han and Jie stood up bewilderedly, but said nothing. They just leaned on the back of the chair and stared blankly at the flickering candlelight. I was suspicious, and while I was talking to my mother about today's farewell, the two of them didn't come to talk to me, and I didn't ask. My mother went in, and I asked them what was going on.Han didn't say anything, Jie sighed, and said for a while: "Mother said...she is reluctant to let you go, she seems to be gone...but she doesn't want you to know..." Over the past few months, we used to have a clear heart for each other, but our hands were soft and we didn't dare to expose this layer of paper.But tonight when I heard the words I wanted, I was stunned.

Suddenly Han looked at Jie and said seriously: "Mother told you not to tell brother Ying, why are you so busy?" There was a moment of silence——at this time the electric light came on brilliantly, and the faces of both of them were flushed in the bright light. Jie murmured, "I think... I think it's okay..." Han stopped him: "No, I won't let you say that!" His voice became more severe. At this moment, Jie was in a hurry, feeling that he was being scolded by his brother too much.He also said loudly: "Do you want to hide it from others, but do you want to hide it from your own sister?" He stubbornly resisted.

I have lost the ability to referee, I was at a loss, and I blew out the candle unintentionally, and I was about to say a few words reluctantly—— Han's voice became sad, "It's my sister who doesn't hide it from others, only her own!" The two pairs of bitter eyes met, like strings just unloaded, and both of them lowered their heads weakly at the same time. I stood dazedly among them. The light went out again, thank you for this momentary disappearance of light!We only felt the hot and trembling hands, holding each other tightly, but we couldn't see each other's tearful eyes!

On the night of July 23, 1923, Beijing. three The green hills under the moon in the forest tonight are incomparable!As if in case, it can only be said that she is a quiet girl who looks like Juanjuan. Although she is bright and beautiful, she is not flamboyant; In the flowing brilliance, everything loses its color: the pine forest is thick black, the sky is white, and the boundless snow field is actually light blue.The universe formed by these three colors is full of serenity, elegance and solemnity; the middle is overflowing with a sad spirit, all words and characters are lost, and it is almost impossible to stare at and grasp!

Tonight's forest is definitely not suitable for generals to hunt at night - those horses riding turbulently, called Fengsheng, will trample on the smooth and fine snow; the blossoming fire and cold iron armor will be confused. Calm moonlight. Tonight in the forest, it is not suitable to have a picnic by burning sticks - the noise and laughter in the firelight, the mess of cups and plates, will startle the birds that are stable in the trees; The world of poems of resentment and admiration. In the woods tonight, it is not suitable to say goodbye to a friend, and to whisper softly-the sadness is enough, and the voice is weak; but the depression and lingering emotions are always too "human", not suitable for this crystal snow month, the empty mountains and forests.

In the forest tonight, it is not suitable for a nobleman to wander around and beauties are hidden—even if there are good sentences to be found and good news to enjoy under the moon in the forest, but in the mist and mist, only the whirling of ideas is allowed, and no characters are allowed to embellish. I leaned on the pillow and meditated in every possible way, and suddenly a thought turned around, and I felt sad... The green hills tonight are only suitable for these girls, these sick girls who lean on their pillows and watch the moon! If I can fly in the middle of the moon and look down, the winding corridors up and down the mountains, the snow encroaching on the outside, and the moonlight soaking the snow-clean quilt will make my exquisite eyebrows.In this promenade: everything is cut off, everything is cut off, there are water-like guest sorrows, silk-like homesick dreams, deep feelings, deep enlightenment, prayers, repentance, and thousands of words...

Thousands of days in the mountains, the mountains and pine shadows overlapped thousands of times, the worldly affairs were subtracted from the head, and the feelings gradually invaded, and the crystal-clear mind was filtered.At this time, even the blunt roots of stubborn stones have to think about everything, let alone these women who think deeply and think well? The past is like looking at the flowing water - the soul of the country travels under the moon, or in the Roman Forbidden City, next to the decaying columns; or in the Great Wall, on the broken battlements; or in the Jordan River, or in Mecca or cross the Rhine River, or fly over the Luoji Mountains; how many ecstasy are there?Only she knows! Those who come are like looking up to a high mountain, wandering on the impoverished road for a long time, maybe tomorrow, maybe this year, they will unravel the fine net of disease, and gently try to knock on the iron gate of death!The heavenly mud plow, let her imagine: Is it flooding into the lotus pond of seven treasures?Is it to pay homage to the White Jade Emperor?Is it joy?Is it timid?There is a reunion in the sky, there is nostalgia in the world, there are unfinished things that can be done, and there are wishes that will be real but still empty; Is it not just for me?Reaching all living beings, life is great! All of these are fused with infinite life, moment, moment, here and now, the flowing brilliance in the universe, it is sorrow, it is enlightenment, it is already faint, transcendent and holy—— Almighty God, how blessed am I?What am I to blame? ... On the night of February 30, 1924, Sha Rang. Four On a whim, as if listening to the call of an elf, from the comatose sleep, he turned and sat up like a whirlwind—— After the bell rang, the door opened, and there was a silent commotion in front of the bed. The frenzy receded—the doctor stared at me speechlessly.The nurse was holding the floppy disk, her eyes filled with unending panic.I was completely devastated, and there was a complete death-like emptiness in my heart.The clear tears streaming down her cheeks were just a kind of oppression in her eyes, not from any of the seven emotions. In the end, I seemed to find myself sitting, leaning against the edge of the bed, half bound and half surrounded, with a big ice bag tied to my chest.The injected right arm was so numb and painful that I couldn't move it, but I had no intention of turning it. Sure enough, the blood was congealed but not flowed, and the erratic soul felt the weight of the body.The weight sank layer by layer, the body pressed against the bed rail, the bed rail pressed against the building, and the building pressed down on the ground. In the heavy condensation, time passed minute by minute, and people have retreated.The light on the side of the bed is adjusted until only the blurred outlines of everything in the room can be seen—in fact, I only have an outline left at this time! I don't even have the power to close my eyes—but I saw a dream for no reason. I walked slowly among the layers of palaces and pavilions, but I couldn't always walk on the ground, and walked softly in the clouds and mist. I didn't know how far I walked, and I reached the last floor; I suddenly looked up and saw a golden plaque with four large characters, which read "Great Freedom", and it seemed that I realized that this was the main hall of the Jingxi Reclining Buddha Temple. Involuntarily, he still walked up, and the underside of the two verandas suddenly deepened, and it was dark, and music was suddenly played on both sides, but there was no musician in sight.The sound was like ringing a complicated bell, like blowing an emergency pipe, blowing by the wind, very scattered and sad!I stopped and listened in my dream, and naturally admired, "This is 'Shifan', after all, it is still ancient oriental music that is moving!" Walking further in, the hall became darker and darker, like paint and ink, and the groping went deeper and deeper. Suddenly, it was as if the roof of the hall was lifted, and a ray of light shot down. The hall was empty, and the big image of the reclining Buddha was gone. On the back wall, there was a big white silk silk with large green velvet characters hanging high on it. "It's just because the highest branch in the sky is open to people..." The light tip only flashed to the word "person", and then it was pulled back abruptly.I was startled, like fog, like electricity, amidst the constant music, I suddenly fell into the bottomless abyss... In the infinite fall, the soul found the body again: "Juban" was still heard in the ear, there were still a few fuzzy silhouettes in the room, and the stars were shining in the cold gray sky outside the window—— I made up my mind, and I smiled again. My whole body was still heavy and frozen, but a ray of coolness came to my heart, which was the first feeling after the return of knowledge. It was still dawn, and just after the medicine in my right arm dissipated, I struggled to reach out to get a pencil, and wrote the ten words I saw in my dream obliquely on a small piece of paper, and stuffed it into the pocket of my bathrobe. When you are so sick that you don't know what to do, your frozen heart and soul still have the ability to fly! ——Light and shadow just flashed again, "Open to people..." Underneath, I don't know what it is. Whenever I recall it, I feel a little regretful.It turned out that it was just the reappearance of the concept of many characters in the dream, and the seven characters in the last sentence "just because of the highest branch in the sky" seem to be well connected. On the night of November 26, 1923, at St. Busen's Sanatorium. Fives "The storm is coming, and this section of the water journey is not stable as usual!" I don't know when these two words came from, and I don't know which waiter said them, and they spread among these hundreds of young people in an instant.Everyone kept thinking about it, and talked to each other like reporting good news.In this curious and lively mind, it is more hopeful than defensive. So everyone felt dizzy first, and focused on the ocean.The still boundless flickering waves seem to be gradually swaying, but when you look at it carefully, you don't see it. I—even more nameless joy, secretly smiling calmly—during dinner, the lights were still bright, the glasses in the hall were full of clothes, and amidst the laughter, I suddenly saw those waiters in white, holding the plates, swaying. The ocean is in turmoil!Everyone temporarily stopped their knives and forks, looked at each other and smiled, their eyes were moving, as if telling each other: "The wind and waves are coming!"—At this moment, they all felt the swaying of the hull from side to side. I had no words, and smiled with satisfaction. Back to the room after the meal—there was a talk meeting tonight—I slowly changed my clothes, looked at the mirror slightly, and saw my surprised expression in the mirror, like a goddess who was preparing to go to the sea invited to have a drink A night banquet; it's like sharpening a sword to face an enemy, the opponent is a well-known athlete, but he has a certain degree of certainty of victory. It was scheduled to disembark late at night, so everything was arranged before going to bed. Going out and laughing, several female companions in the living room are sitting recliningly on the big sofa, talking and laughing tenderly under the light, the laughter is dizzy. Along the way, I met many companions who came down from the cabin with blankets and smiled, and they were a little dizzy in their laughter. I smiled and went up to the deck.There were many people sitting and standing beside Qin, so I pulled a chair and sat next to Ling. She laughed so much that she leaned on my shoulder and said, "The storm is coming!" The player who played the piano was still playing with his wrists swaying left and right, and the singer who sang, holding the qin platform with his hands and singing with a smile, suddenly slid from one end of the qin to the other involuntarily. Everyone laughed, and it seemed that they didn't want to support any more, so they gradually dispersed. I turned into the communication room, and all the people from the talk meeting were already there, and everyone sat down in groups.The room seemed gloomy.I feel that some people look very helpless, sitting with their mouths covered in a frown - everyone feels that they are at the same height, and everything in the room is tilted sideways. It seems to be very reluctant, and many people's spirits are used to dizziness!As if talking about love in the sea, Hua asked me why I love the sea? How to love the sea? ——I gradually felt filled with joy, and smiled happily.It’s not that I like this question, it’s that I like the feeling I got directly from the sea in my heart at this moment. I laughed and said, “Aihai is gradually falling in love bit by bit…” Before he could finish speaking, a companion walked out with his mouth covered. Everyone laughed again.In the laughter, it seemed to say: "Let's break up!" But they were all too embarrassed to leave, and they continued talking intermittently.My mind is completely over, it seems that the time for the banquet in the water palace is approaching minute by minute; the opponent in the competition has come towards me step by step with a sword - but I still say one sentence at a time "Literary Criticism". Another companion walked out with his mouth covered—so two, three... I knew it was time for me to speak, so I laughed and said, "Let's break up, don't be restrained because of me!" Standing up first. Everyone laughed and dispersed.When I went outside the cabin, there was no one under the shadow of the lights, only the sound of the waves could be heard outside.The whole ship fell asleep, and I walked up to the top floor with a smile. Facing the sea breeze, I brushed my temples and was shaken vaguely. I walked to the side of the lane, put down a life buoy, sat on it with my knees hugged, facing the tall chimneys and masts.I saw the railing of the stern of the ship and the horizon of the dark gray sky overlap and rise and fall, with a height difference of five or six feet. I listened attentively to the sound of the tide on all sides.Looking up at the sky, only one or two big stars can be seen at the tip of the mast. ——My heart and soul are peaceful from agitation, and solemn from joy.The mother of the sea gently shakes this big cradle on the torrents.Among hundreds of babies, I may be the only one awake... I think of my mother, I think of my father, and I recall that my father smiled and said to me before the trip: "This trip across the Pacific, if you get seasick, you don't deserve to be my daughter!" In my letter to my father, I said these words: "I have already been tempted by a storm. In order to report to my father, I sat on the highest floor in the sea breeze until midnight. The sea has proved that I am indeed my father's daughter. " In fact, what is the point?During this voyage, the sea was as flat as a mirror, and there was a gentle breeze every day, but that night there was only a vibration of five or six feet.The wind and waves in the waiter's mouth, and the wind and waves in the young man's heart, are much bigger than the real situation in the ocean! On the night of August 20, 1923, the boat was in the Pacific Ocean. six I have never felt it before, but I have felt it in the past three nights, especially tonight! ——It’s better to say “thorn” than “feeling”—— I feel it tonight, and I sincerely hope that I will never feel it again in this life! On the fourteenth night of the eighth month in the lunar calendar, I went upstairs with a friend after dinner. From the tower window, she suddenly called me to look at the moon in admiration.Lifting the veil, I saw a bright moon hanging high on the spire far away.The ground is full of moonlight like mercury pouring down the ground.My heart felt like a whip, but the feeling was still loose and vague, so I only praised a word bewilderedly, then went back to the house, put down the double curtains and fell asleep. Waking up early while getting a haircut, I suddenly recalled the impression of last night.I thought of the two sentences "...Looking at the moon and returning to thinking, Xiaoqi opens the cage to release the white pheasant".If there is a white pheasant to release, I must have opened the cage last night, but even if she has two flying wings, how can she fly across the vast Pacific Ocean?When I lost even the hope of imagining for the white pheasant, I felt that I had reached the most helpless state! On the Mid-Autumn Festival, it was actually clear and bright. I was already frightened, and Yi told me with a smile that I was going to go boating on the lake tonight. I was especially sad! But this is a routine, old classmates invite new classmates to go boating and enjoy the moon every year on this night, how dare I speak? When Huang Wuliang came to call me, the sky was overcast, and I couldn't express my gratitude while walking with her. The seven of us sat in three small boats, opened them with one pole, and slowly passed under the bridge to the lake. Looking around, the lake is full of eyes.The mountains around the lake are dark green, and the lake is also very emerald green.At the bottom of the water, you can see black clouds floating, and the autumn leaves on the lakeshore are greeted by clumps of red, and several towers are in the distance, and you can see them in turn. We swung to the center of the lake, and then turned to the low water branch, talking scatteredly, looking up at the cloudy sky from time to time.The clouds only cover it tightly, and the moon is silent. ——"Even a thousand gold can't buy her hiding at this moment!" I couldn't express my gratitude in my heart. The shadows of the clouds are only tightly covered, the moon is still there, the night is gradually approaching, and the light of the lake is gradually fading.A few black clouds dragged across the bushes in the east of the lake, and everyone felt lost and said, "It's hopeless! Let's go back! " Returning home, I saw autumn at the end of the boat.Amidst the sound of oars, she said with a moan and sigh: "Yue! Why don't you be beautiful!" She smiled lightly again, and I smiled back. ——This is "relief", how does she know my mood? After reaching the shore, I still lingered by the embankment and looked up for a while. ——I thought: "It's so pitiful—the Mid-Autumn Night escaped!" On the way home when everyone was bewildered, I had endless gratitude in my heart. Izayo was unprepared, very calm in his heart, as if he had forgotten about it. For some reason, I accidentally knocked on the door of a friend's room in the east of the building. She was sitting in front of the window with the lights off.Moonlight fills the room!I was startled, and it was too late to retract, so I could only hear her get up and hold my hand, and come to the window. No regrets!The moon is full and bright to twelve minutes.I was silent, I bit my lip, I almost uttered a curse word or two! If she knew how sentimental my heart was at this moment, she would not bear to wrap her arms around me like this and force me to stand in front of the window.I am miserable and silent, and I have tried my best to appreciate it.Just like a cliff standing nearly ten thousand feet, facing the endless sea of ​​acid water. Instead of hovering in horror, it is better to simply jump and feel the bitter feeling that does not cut the skin. I stared at it dazzled: it was as close as a square courtyard, as far as an observatory, and the tall and low trees around it were so compelling that I could see the colors of red, blue, and yellow.Under the high-pointing dome of three green hemispheres, there are continuous white round domes, and circles of moon shadows on the ground, as clear as ink lines.The grass at the four corners of the cross is as green as green velvet, and it is not so clear in broad daylight, not to mention that all of these are soaked in the light and shadow of thousands of miles... I started the curse! Nostalgia paralyzed my whole body, I brushed my hair, and my hair felt nostalgia; I squeezed my fingertips, and my fingers pinched nostalgia.It is the pain felt on the real body, not the floating sorrow flowing on the soul! As soon as I turned over, I dismissed her in a hurry and went back to the house.Hastily covered the silver frame with photos of father and mother on the table with a handkerchief.I hurriedly picked up a very thick book, supported my head and read it hard - I flipped through dozens of pages in a daze, I really didn't have the strength to deal with it anymore, I pushed the book away, retreated to the bed, and sobbed in despair.I am sick-- The shock and emotion of that night, like Xia Kong's urgent electricity, rushed to the highest peak.Thinking about it later made me sigh and feel unconfident!Now the heart that repeatedly feels nostalgia can no longer soar.Countless moonlit nights have passed, and sometimes I watched them all night, but in terms of emotions, they were at best "confused". After learning from the pain, I realized why Mingyue has hurt countless customers for thousands of years!In the infinite light of the quiet night, the surroundings were reflected clearly and floated, making her completely aware that her body was not a dream, but a trip to foreign countries.All sorrows and hatreds are not indifferent or hesitant; they are clear, real, and anxious as a bunch of wet. Regarding this matter, I kept silent for half a year; only after quoting the famous line of the ancient moon night in the correspondence with my friends this spring, I wrote: "Woohoo! Appreciating good literature and appreciating life, what a price to pay?" As for the price, I didn't mention how much sadness was hidden behind the word "woo hoo", so my friend never asked. On the night of September 26, 1923, the Bilou was closed. seven Of course I love flowers and plants! When I was in China, although I kept offering fragrant flowers in my house, I didn't often do things like cutting leaves and adding water.The father or mother came in, pressed the potting soil with their fingers, and said, "I see flowers and plants coming to your house, it means their doomsday has come!" If he and the two elders let it go after saying this, I can't be lazy anymore, at least I have to be perfunctory. , Not only the flower roots, but also the pots and even the stones were washed.I am happy to smile and stand aside. It is by no means that I do not love flowers, nor am I lazy.Firstly, I know that I can’t clean up as neatly as theirs,—I really believe that tidying up flowers is an art—and secondly, I often get a topic that I like, which attracts my father and mother to pester me.But after going abroad, I never forgot to add water to the flowers in the house!The daffodils on my desk were raised by others and me at the same time, and they were in full bloom before they sprouted.I cut the dense flowers one by one, making the flower tubes drooping, and I tied them up gently with string. Before the flowers bloomed, I was sick and went to the hospital, and I have been isolated since then!I only mentioned one sentence in a friend's small note, "I have already watered your flowers." No one will mention it later, and I am too embarrassed to ask again.But when I was on the sick bed, I often thought of someone going to the sky, and she was of course silent in the room.In the neat and brilliant nighttime light of the Guanbi Tower, there is one thing missing, which is my dark window, and no one in the dark room can see her beauty under the light and shadow! One day after entering the mountain, I opened the boxes that my friends packed for me, and the green pots of daffodils were inside.I know that during the twenty days of my illness, she was completely ruined.There is no way to "communicate words with microwaves", I am at a loss - for a long time! On the third day, I got a box, cut the rope, and there was a piece of white paper, which read: Endless love, Anna. Inside the paper was a bouquet of scarlet roses.Preciously inserted in the bottle, the fragrance hits people at dusk. After only one night, I got up early and came in, and saw that the flowers were drooping, and the petals were so emaciated that they looked like they were cut from black velvet!Only then did I realize that it was too cold in this room, and there was a stove in Ying's small building at the back. She needed the comfort of flowers, and she was also worthy of the offering of fragrant flowers. I quickly asked someone to bring them to her as a gift. ——I heard that after one night, the flower soul turned around again. After that, I got many more flowers one after another, including roses and daffodils, and I couldn't bear to keep them.After seeing off the guests, he carried them to Ying's building by himself. I am fascinated by the ever-growing flowers in the rooms of St. Busen's Hospital.However, when Hua and I can't have both, I would rather work hard on myself.I lived alone and cold for sixty days without sacrificing a single flower! On February 16th, another friend gave me six carnations, three red ones and three white ones, with a few sprigs of Pteris in between.It was a little warmer that day, and the friend who gave the flowers stood aside to watch me arrange them. I felt embarrassed and sent the flowers away, and put them on the glass table in the house after they were inserted. Seeing Ying in the middle of the night, I said, "I have another bottle of flowers for you!" She thanked me with a smile. Come back and lie on the pillow, waiting to go outside the porch, suddenly saw a few carnation flowers on the ground, the three white ones, I didn't think much of it, only the three red ones, so pitifully red! Under the bright lamp, the red velvet-like petals overlapped with delicate light to dazzle the eyes, and surrounded by the fine green leaves of a few sprigs of ferns beside the flower, the interplay of brilliance actually has the meaning of a cup of beauty. At this time, I don't know whether it is "flower" or "red", the feeling of love in my heart is very vague and strong... "I don't want to be a fool anymore! The surroundings are all white and cold, and I can't see any beauty or business. After sixty days like this, why bother?" I decided to keep her! Waking up early the next day, Ying asked me, "Where are the flowers?" I smiled and didn't answer. It's snowing today.I sat hugging on the porch, turned around and saw these flowers rustling against the new wind on the glass table in the room with the door and window open, I didn't say a word. Go in and take a book from the shelf, and go out onto the porch again.Turning the pages of the book, I feel that even the paper is frozen.I raised my head and looked at the shivering flowers——I was silent again. In the evening, these few flowers have been haggard and damaged, and the edges of the petals have been browned!It is too late to mourn, I have sacrificed her. I picked up a pen by chance, I don't know if it was to comfort her, or to write for myself, and wrote a few lines:  … How many times have you been willing to wave your flag?The snow is cold and the wind is cold - I can't bear to pull the weak flower branches, Come and suffer with me.cherish them Forced me to forget myself. Dianthus!Ruthless friend, dismissed you gorgeous Come lean on the cold me! Do something cruel too!Two months in the mountains, bone-chillingly cold, can no longer... At this point, the pen'er naturally put down the pen, only rested his head and looked at the remaining flowers in a trance. After that, it was rewritten three or five times, but it just couldn't be put together.The flowers are dead, and there is no need to write about them. So far, the manuscript paper is still casually sandwiched in a book. On February 20, 1924, Sha Rang. Eight It was after a big night of drinking, in my father's study.My father was reading a book, and I was also sitting on the table. There was a long silence——I stood up, resting my hands on the table, half leaning on the table, and called, "Daddy!" My father raised his head. "I want to keep the lighthouse." My father smiled and said, "That's okay, I'll be guarding the sea all year long—it's just too cold and lonely." After finishing speaking, he continued to read his book. I said again, "I'm not afraid of the cold, really, Daddy!" Father put down the book and said, "So what?" At this time, I have no way to talk about it!I shrugged, and I said: "Looking at the lighthouse is the greatest, noblest, and most poetic life..." Father nodded and said, "Naturally!" He leaned back in the chair, in the posture of preparing for a long talk.At this point we were all interested. I was still standing, and I said: "As long as we serve the crowd in the same way, we don't have to be alone; we certainly don't have to hide from the world, but we don't have to hide from the world because of our similar sex!" Father smiled and nodded. I continued: "It is something I disdain to escape from the world and become a monk. How can I receive support from the ten directions as a young and promising person?" Father just smiled. I bravely said: "The alias of the lighthouse keeper is the 'Bright Messenger'. He left the field, sacrificed the reunion of his family, and all kinds of entertainment in the world, to face the boundless world for a whole year and a month. The sea and the sky. Except for the flying gulls and sails on the sea, the clouds in the sky are surging and the wind is rising, and there is no new contact. Except for the turbulent sea breeze and the green grass on the edge of the island, he does not know the spring. ', I only know 'dedication'..." My father said: "What kind of sacrifice is it to be isolated from the crowds on the mainland? We sailors really understand this emotion!" I quickly said: "No, this is not a sacrifice for me! I held the torch at night and climbed the ladder. I felt supremely proud and honorable. How many good men have insulted and parted, ridden the tide and broken the waves, and have learned to be at sea. The fierce wind drove Ruyi's mast sails, and they thought they were invincible, but in the thick fog and the sea and mountains, they frowned and lowered their heads, held their pans and held their breath, focusing on this shining light hanging high! This point is vigilance, comfort, and guidance, but this point is ignited by me!" In the quiet eyes of the father, it seemed that a memory suddenly appeared. "On a sunny day, when the sea is calm, I sit on the sand with my knees in my arms, and watch the tide and stars grow leisurely. On a stormy day, I lean against the window to watch the waves, and listen to the waves shake the cliff rocks angrily.I study behind closed doors, take the ocean as my teacher, and Xingyue as my friend, all of which are unchanging and eternal. "On the small boat that came every three to five days, I kept getting news from outside the world, and letters from family and friends; the situation that seemed to be parted temporarily and parted forever made us stay in the friendship of 'like water' forever ...I can read all the new books, I can write, and culturally, I'm not cut off from the world." My father said with a smile: "Life in a lighthouse is indeed extremely detached, but your phantom is too beautiful. If you get sick and the sea hits the sky, what will you do?" I also laughed and said: "This is easy-I can't think about these things for a while!" Father said: "Illness is only about you. If you missed the lighting, it is about the light of all living beings..." I quickly said: "So I say this life is great!" My father smiled at me, laughed at my words, and said: "I know you can climb a ladder and light a lamp; but if there is a strong wind and thick fog, you have to fire the gun, and you have to launch the boat..." I solemnly said: "All these, especially what I love deeply. For myself and for all sentient beings, I am willing to learn!" The father was speechless for a long time, and said with a smile: "If you are a man, you are my good son!" I took a step closer and said, "If I want to get this kind of position, along the southeast coast, daddy will always be able to do it?" My father looked at me and said, "Or...but why are you speaking so solemnly?" I solemnly said: "I have been thinking about it for three years!" My father restrained his face, stroked the corner of the book in thought, and said for a long time: "I disagree with everything, and I can do nothing. In order to go to the country and leave home, to absorb the voyager of the sea, I have the heart to give up my only one. Go to the island and light up the light. But, the only condition is that the lighthouse keepers don’t want girls!” I forced a smile, and sat back down.Another long silence— My father stood up, as if to comfort me: "The quiet, great, and bright life is not just a lampstand guard, life is very broad!" I don't speak.After sitting for a while, he opened the curtain and went out. The younger brothers stood in the four corners of the yard, lighting small firecrackers.Throwing each other, amidst the cheers, occasionally one or two were thrown at me, I just laughed and avoided - I really didn't have the mood to chase them. Back in the bedroom, lying on the bed in a dark state.Even if the dream on New Year's Eve does not come true, if you can dream it, it will be more comforting than nothing. I want to fall into a dream sincerely, and draw the environment in my fantasy, the dark gray waves, the standing white tower... A night of solitude—how can’t even have a dream! This happened two years ago. Since then, I have been forbidden to think, and I have not seen the lighthouse for another ten years, and my mind is not disturbed. In the past half month, I have seen it six or seven times at sea, and only sighed quietly when I passed by.Disappointed mood, do not want it to rise again.And tonight's independence in the thick fog, I feel extremely sad! In the rainy day, I walked up to the highest floor, leaning against the side of the boat, and suddenly saw under the sky, among the fog spots all around, on the two islands and mountains that looked like paintings in light ink between the banks, there was a little bit of starlight shining on each—— The hull of the boat is slightly slanted left and right, and these two points of starlight are also slowly rising and falling on both sides.The light passed through the fog layer, shining brightly, shining directly into my heart, like a greeting, like a reception, I was speechless, for a long time—for a long time, the sad heartstrings began to move! How many tears of ruthlessness and hatred are shed on these two stars tonight!With the whistling sea wind, carrying the secret wish that died two years ago, to the light in front of the pagoda—this is the end!I can afford it, I can let it go, I hope that I will never be tempted by the lighthouse, and I will never dream of the lighthouse. I will never be disappointed if there is no hope, and I will never hope for the unexpectable. There will be no sorrow forever! May God bless the lamp burners in these two towers! ——May God bless the lamp burners in countless towers where there is sea water!May the sea grow green to him, and may the sea and mountains grow green to him!May they know that they are the uncrowned emperors of this corner of the island, and only to them, I would like to give my highest praise and admiration! On August 28, 1923, in the Pacific Ocean. Nine Just be so dizzy, don't go in a hurry, neither lingering nor tragic, it's useless to worry about the heart for so many days! At noon on the first day, I didn't go to the table to eat. My brothers called me, and I lay on the bed and pretended to be asleep.I heard my mother say outside: "Forget it, don't mess with her." It hurt my heart for a while—the younger brothers’ friends came to play in the afternoon.Everyone ran around a big lotus tank in the yard, splashing water on each other for fun, and even I got wet on the front of my clothes.My mother was away for a long time and went to my aunt in the west courtyard, but she ordered the kitchen to cook a bowl of noodles for me. It was quiet again at dusk, and I turned on the light next to the piano to play the piano. I haven't learned the piano for several years, and my fingering is all messed up. I just absent-mindedly press it repeatedly.In the end, I don't know when I stopped playing, I just leaned on the piano stand and looked at the score. My father walked up to the piano and said, "It's okay to invite a few of your friends to have a talk tonight, and just invite them to dinner." I agreed, and after thinking about it, many friends left during the holiday, although the stars are far away Some, still in Xicheng.I went to the phone box, took off the earphones, found her, and asked her to bring more siblings, the more people the better tonight.She said it was late, and if it was too late, there was no need to wait for dinner. It was already night at that time, and it is usually time for the stars to return from my house. My aunt came over, and Qian also came from home.We are all very happy, tonight I am most afraid that there will only be family members facing each other!We listened very lively as we talked about the stories on the sea boat and the jokes of the foreign students. The cook kept walking up and down between the two courtyards, and said to himself, "It's nine o'clock!" I heard it through the curtain, and said to my mother with a smile, "Just tell them to cook dinner. The chef is in a hurry to turn the grinder in the yard! —— Xing Yi may not come soon." 母亲说：“你既请了她，何妨再等一会？”和我说着，眼却看着父亲。父亲说：“开来也好，就请舅母和潜在这里吃罢。我们家里按时惯了，偶然一两次晚些，就这样的鸡犬不宁！” 我知道父亲和母亲只怕的是我今夜又不吃饭，如今有舅母和潜在这里，和星来一样，于是大家都说好——纷纭语笑之中，我好好吃了一顿晚饭。 饭后好一会，星才来到，还同着宪和宜，我同楫迎了出去，就进入客室。 话别最好在行前八九天，临时是“话”不出来的。不是轻重颠倒，就是无话可说。所以我们只是东拉西扯，比平时的更淡漠，更无头绪，我一句也记不得了。 只记得一句，还不是我们说的。 我和星，宜在内间，楫陪着宪在外间，只隔着一层窗纱，小孩子谈得更热闹。 星忽然摇手，听了一会，笑对我说：“你听你小弟弟和宪说的是什么？”我问：“是什么？”她笑道：“他说，'我姊姊走了，我们家里，如同丢了一颗明珠一般！'”她说着又笑了，宜也笑了，我不觉脸红起来。 ——我们姊弟平日互相封赠的徽号多极了！什么剑客，诗人，哲学家，女神等等，彼此混谥着。哪里是好意？三分亲爱，七分嘲笑，有时竟等于怨谤，一点经纬都没有的！比如说父亲或母亲偶然吩咐传递一件东西，我们争着答应，自然有一个捷足先得，偶然得了夸奖，其余三个怎肯干休？便大家站在远处，点头赞叹的说：“孝子！真孝顺！'二十四孝'加上你，二十五孝了！”结果又引起一番争论。 这些事只好在家里通行，而童子无知，每每在大庭广众之间，也弄假成真的说着，总使我不好意思——我也只好一笑，遮掩开去。 舅母和潜都走了，我们便移到中堂来。时已夜午，我觉得心中烦热，竟剖开了一个大西瓜。 弟弟们零零落落的都进去了，再也不出来。宪没有人陪，也有了倦意。星说：“走罢，远得很呢，明天车站上送你！”说着有些凄然。——岂知明天车站上并没有送着，反是半个月后送到海舟上来，这已是我大梦中的事了！ 送走了她们，走入中间，弟弟们都睡了。进入内室，只父亲一人在灯下，我问妈妈呢，父亲说睡下了。然而我听见母亲在床上转侧，又轻轻的咳嗽，我知道她不愿意和我说话，也就不去揭帐。 默然片晌，——父亲先说些闲话，以后慢慢的说：“我十七岁离家的时候，祖父嘱咐我说：'出外只守着三个字：勤，慎，……'” 没有说完，我低头按着胸口——父亲皱眉看着我，问： “怎么了？”我说：“没有什么，有一点心痛……” 父亲叹了一口气，站起身来，说：“不早了，你睡去罢，已是一点钟了。” 回到屋里，抚着枕头也起了恋恋，然而一夜睡得很好。 早饭是独自吃的，告诉过母亲到佟府和女青年会几个朋友那里辞行，便出门去了。又似匆匆，又似挨延的，近午才回来。 入门已觉得凄切！在院子里，弟弟们拦住我，替我摄了几张快影。照完我径入己室，扶着书架，泪如雨下。 舅母抱着小因来了，说：“小因来请姑姑了，到我们那边吃饺子去！”我连忙强笑着出来，接过小因，偎着她。就她的肩上，印我的泪眼——便跟着舅母过来。 也没有吃得好：我心中的酸辛，千万倍于蘸饺子的姜醋，父亲踱了过来，一面逗小因说笑，却注意我吃了多少，我更支持不住，泪落在碗里，便放下筷子。舅母和嫂嫂含着泪只管让着，我不顾的站了起来…… 回家去，中堂里正撤着午餐。母亲坐在中间屋里，看见我，眼泪便滚了下来。我那时方寸已乱！一会儿恐怕有人来送我，与其左右是禁制不住，有在人前哭的，不如现在哭。我叫了一声“妈妈”，挨坐了下去。我们冰凉颤动的手，紧紧的互握着臂腕，呜咽不成声！——半年来的自欺自慰，相欺相慰，无数的忍泪吞声，都积攒了来，有今日恣情的一恸！ 鸦雀无声，没有一个人来劝，恐怕是要劝的人也禁制不住了！ 我释了手，卧在床上，泪已流尽，闭目躺了半晌，心中倒觉得廓然。外面人报潜来了，母亲便走了出去。小朋友们也陆续的来了，我起来洗了脸，也出去和他们从容的谈起话来。 外面门环响，说：“马车来了。”小朋友们都手忙脚乱的先推出自行车去，潜拿着帽子，站在堂门边。 我竟微笑了！我说：“走了！”向空发言似的，这语声又似是从空中来，入耳使我惊慑。 我不看着任一个人，便掀开帘子出去。 极迅疾的！我只一转身，看见涵站在窗前，只在我这一转身之顷，他极酸恻的瞥了我一眼，便回过头去！poor child!他从昨日起未曾和我说话，他今天连出大门来送我的勇气都没有！这一瞥眼中，有送行，有抱歉，有慰藉，有无限的别话，我都领会了！别离造成了今日异样懂事的一个他！今天还是他的生日呢，无情的姊姊连寿面都不吃，就走了！ ... 走到门外，只觉得车前人山人海，似乎家中大小上下都出来了。我却不曾看见母亲。不知是我不敢看她，或是她隐在人后，或是她没有出来。我看见舅母，嫂嫂，都含着泪。连站在后面的白和张，说了一声“一路平安！”声音都哽咽着，眼圈儿也红了。 坐车，骑车的小孩子，都启行了。我带着两个弟弟，两个妹妹，上了车，车门砰的一声关上了。马一扬鬣，车轮已经转动。只几个转动，街角的墙影，便将我亲爱的人们和我的，相互的视线隔断了…… 我又微笑着向后一倚。自此入梦！此后的都是梦境了！ 只这般昏昏的匆匆的一别，既不缠绵，又不悲壮，白担了这许多日子的心了！ 然而只这昏昏的匆匆的一别，便把我别到如云的梦中来！ 九个月来悬在云雾里，眼前飞掠的只是梦幻泡影，一切色，声，香，味，触，法，都很异样，很麻木，很飘浮。我挣扎把握，也撮不到一点真实！ 这种感觉不是全然于我无益的，九个月来，不免有时遇到支持不住的事，到了悲哀宛转，无可奈何的时节，我就茫然四顾的说：“不管它罢，这一切原都在梦中呢！” 就是此刻的突起的乡愁，也这样迷迷糊糊的让它过去了！ 一九二三年八月三日，北京。 ten 只是这般昏昏的匆匆的一别，既不缠绵，又不悲壮；然而前天我追写的时候，我的眼泪流的比笔尖移动得还快！亭中寂寂，浓密的松枝外，好鸟时鸣，嫣红姹紫开遍；而我除了膝上的纸笔，和一方湿透的纱巾外，看不见别的！ 我写时不须思索，没有着力，而回忆如大河泛决，奔越四流。我恨不能百管齐下，同时描述了每一段时间，每一个人，每一端思念！ 我写时因呜咽而中断了好几次，归结只写了顾一失百的那一篇，而那一篇中的每一小段都是无尽，每一小段都能演绎到千万言！ 文艺既凭借着主观的欣赏，我写时如雨的眼泪，未必能普遍的感动了世间一切有情。但因着字字真切的本地风光，在那篇中提名的人，决不能不起一番真切的回忆，而终于坠泪，第一个人就是我的母亲！ 我远道寄回这几篇去，我不能伴她同读，引动她的伤感后，不能有即时笑语的慰藉，我诚何心？ 然而不须感伤，我至爱的母亲！我灵魂是躯壳的主宰，别离之前，虽不知离愁深刻到如斯，而未尝不知别离之苦。我要推却别离，没有别离敢来挽我。为着人生，我曾自愿不住的挥着别泪，作此“弱游”！ 别的都不说，只这昏昏的匆匆的一别，先在世上绝对的承认了一个“我”的存在，为幸已多！ 乡愁每深一分，“我”的存在就证实了一分，——何以故？ 因我确有个感受痛苦的心灵与躯壳故！ 既承认了“我”，就不能不承认宇宙中无量数的“他”，更不能不承认了包罗一切的“生命”，以及生命中的一切。 我既绝对承认了生命，我便愿低头去领略。我便愿遍尝了人生中之各趣，人生中之各趣我便愿遍尝！——我甘心乐意以别的泪与病的血为贽，推开了生命的宫门。 我曾说： “别离碎我为微尘，和爱和愁，病又把我团捏起来，还敷上一层智慧。等到病叉手退立，仔细端详，放心走去之后，我已另是一个人！ “她已渐远渐杳，我虽没有留她的意想，望着她的背影，却也觉得有些凄恋。我起来试走，我的躯体轻健；我举目四望，我的眼光清澈。遍天涯长着萋萋的芳草，我要从此走上远大的生命的道途！感谢病与别离。二十余年来，我第一次认识了生命。” 所以，不须伤感，我至爱的母亲！凭着血与泪，我已推开了生命神秘的宫门。因着巨大的代价，我从此要领受人生，享乐人生。 不须伤感，我至爱的母亲！悲哀只是一霎时，我的青春活泼的心，决不作悲哀的留滞。 日来渐惯了单寒羁旅，离愁已浅，病缘已断；只往事忽忽追忆，难得当日哀乐纵横，贻我以抒写时的洒落与回味！ 不须伤感，我至爱的母亲！往事的追写，决不会摧耗了我的精神，有把笔的可能，总未到悲哀的极致。母亲寄我的信中曾有： “除夕我因你不在，十分难过，就想写信，提起笔来，心中一阵难受，又放下了笔，不能再写……”可知到了悲极，决无能力把笔！我只洒洒落落写来，写完心释。投笔之后，就让它从此成为“往事”，不予以多一刻的留连！ 往事愿都撇在一边！——现在我收了纸笔，要在斜阳中下了山亭。春光真明媚！芊芊无际的山坡上，开了万树不知名的黄的，白的，红的，紫的花，内中我只认得樱花已开，丁香已含苞，杨柳的嫩黄，与松枝的深绿，衬以知更雀的红胸，真是异样的鲜明！此行循着紫罗兰路，也许采些野花归去。 愿上帝祝福母亲！ 愿上帝祝福母亲！ 一九二四年五月十九日，青山。 是不相干的——作者原注。 事》。 )