Chapter 7 Nostalgia - Uziris of a Dancing Woman

Author: Huang Biyun (Scan proofreading: Y.Yan) It started with the desire to take a long-distance train.Come to Amsterdam. How should I explain Amsterdam.How should I explain myself—my name is Chen Yu, I am twenty-six years old, and I am a dancer by profession. At this moment when the seasons change, I come to the land of lakes and tulips, facing the ignorance, strangeness, and unreasonableness of the whole world?Everything is so random, yet it has an irresistible inevitability. i decided to leave my mother It was dusk when we arrived in Amsterdam.Because I didn't check my passport and go through customs, it didn't seem like I was in another country.Only the green light for the exit was in Dutch, proving it was Amsterdam.We often use words and appearances to understand the world, but I often look for the meaning behind the appearances.the nature of the world.This meaning is fluid, ambiguous, and often difficult to explain. Perhaps it is for this reason that I dance.Only the abstraction of dance is closest to this essence.Therefore it is also plain.

I still have a pair of dancing shoes and a dancing dress in my hand luggage - but I've decided not to dance anymore.Just as I decided to leave my mother. So I have a slight pain in my fingertips. Because I don't shed tears.i dance i sweat Amsterdam’s Central Station was built in the 19th century. It is a neo-Gothic-style spire building. The station is long and symmetrical, with red brick walls and painted gold letters. The color and shape are very pleasing to the eye, but the station is dirty.Behind the station is the harbor, facing the canal, next to the tram station, there are seagulls and pigeons, lingering.The weather was fine and the scenery was blue.

I think my mother is dying. I boarded a tram casually. The tram was very long and did not see the end. It passed quickly from stop to stop in Amsterdam.I just don't know where I'm going.Leaving her became a blind, one and only, desire. It was a shadowy afternoon when I left.She had just had a shot of morphine, and there was a moment of dazed silence.I sat on the edge of her bed, and she fumbled to reach out and hold mine—I was her only connection with life.But I forsake her. I want her death so badly, I just can't wait. How did it start, for example, me, or the name Chen Yu; I don’t know my father’s name and face, and my mother’s name is Ye Rong, so my name, my flesh and blood, have become the difference between my mother and me. , the most insurmountable suspense.I never asked, and she never mentioned it, as if it was just like this, and there should be no more.

Later she became more and more like a beast. I got in the car randomly, this is the downtown area called Leidsplein.I got out of the car because I liked the way it intersects, yes, canals and roads, that kind of ambiguity.Stand in the middle of the road.The road is wide.The wideness is just a feeling, because the teenagers are speeding past on a pink bicycle, because the small shop is messy and rich in family atmosphere, because there are clowns performing arts on the tram tracks (yes, he performed on the tram tracks, attracting crowds, the police came to catch up, He even did a mime with the police, the audience laughed, applauded, and gave him a lot of rewards, the tram had to stop and wait).The liveliness of life, the vast possibilities—like the moment the lights on the stage come on, the audience hold their breath.

It's my first solo show.Proof of the "brilliance" of "a young dancer".My dance begins with the long dusk and night of waiting for my mother's return. Perhaps I once made her happy, expecting me to be as quiet as jade, healthy and happy, just like all children, who give adults false, fleeting, perfect hopes.She was quickly disappointed, whether for me or for her life, I still don't know. It's just that my mother disappeared in my life very quickly, and what I was waiting for was a woman who was attacked by alcohol, disease and countless ghosts, named Ye Rong, who had my blood, the flexibility and fragility of my hair, and a common bone structure.I often dance while waiting for her repeatedly.I can't contain the fright the darkness gives me.So I move and sweat.

I started to wear her cheongsam, and used her gouache and rouge to wait for her to come back with the coquettishness of childhood. When she came back, seeing me like this, she slapped me hard and slapped me hard.The violent force made her fall. I laughed out loud.I have trouble explaining my laughter, it seems to be the strongest instinct that cannot be replaced by tears, words, touch, "please don't" etc. She pushed down all the cups, saucers, and floor lamps. "You are so scary. Chen Yu. A monster." She covered her face and shed tears for me. But I started to feel happy, really happy.

That's when you started dancing, right?Because I don't shed tears.I dance and I sweat.Let go of all the grievances and hardships. Jumping and jumping, you can take it slowly. Even became a professional dancer. "Brilliant". sudden tranquility When rehearsing this solo dance, I have never been so calm and clear: I said, the footlights in the first row should be reduced, and a small spot is needed, yes - sudden tranquility. I just learned the news that my mother was ill that day, but it was a very late event.This does not explain why it seems to be tortured so badly by life.

She had already started to lose weight very early, panting when going up the stairs, and her hands and feet were shaking.It is not known whether there is lingering sorrow and resentment from one man to another.It's just that when she came back drunk, I showered and changed her, wiped away her tears, blood and whiskey. I told myself: everything must stop. Tried to leave her too, in difficult teenage years.She went door to door looking for me, visited forty-four of my classmates, called the police, and waited for me to show up at arcade centers, bowling alleys, and small bars.I can't get away from her.

When I went back, she cut my hair while I was asleep. she hates me. I want to kill her. It is hard to describe the relief her illness gave me: her liver was already full of cancer cells.There is such a sudden peace in my heart—— Looking for a small hotel. Small hotels are the most unnamed thing. There are so many small hotels in Leidsplein, I am afraid it is a tourist area.Naturally, the small hotels in every tourist area are the same. Only the long trams on the street and the canals belong only to Amsterdam. Had beef bread at the Egyptian's little shop. It is said that there is no nightlife in Amsterdam: the streets are deserted before it gets dark.Only the neon lights of bars and sex shops are on.The depravity of the present world and the prosperous red brick buildings in the 17th century are surprisingly harmonious.Some people say that Amsterdam is the most sick and decadent city in Europe.I'm afraid that's where its charm lies.

Sleeping and waking up at night in a small hotel... I like all the mess and corruption On the other side of the river, there are four museums leaning against each other, so it is called Museum Plein.Among them, the architect of the Rijksmuseum is also the architect of the Central Military Station, so the museum also has the new Goethe color of the station.The three museums next to it are new buildings. Rijksmuseum has Museum Street, which is a small passage through the museum, full of garbage, where young people sell paintings and sing, and there are graffiti on the wall. I like all the mess and corruption.Among museums, I only like Museum Street.

Hanging around in Dan, it seems that I can let go of the burden of survival from now on I slowly fell in love with "Dan" in Amsterdam. "Dan" is located in the city center, is a small square, that is, Amsterdam's Dam.As the name suggests, it was originally a dike, built in the thirteenth century.Amsterdam has become a commercial port, and Dan has also become the raisondetre of the city. From then on, all urban activities begin, so there are city hall, palace, new church, weight row next to it... I like Dan because there are Beng people, Le and Fu youths, and South American ronin singing and resting, drinking beer, and smoking marijuana. Hanging around in Dan seems to let go of the burden of survival from now on. —— Everything that matters to me, feelings, dancing, even life itself. Because sometimes I want to die. i hate the repetition of life We had fleeting hopes. That was the first time she was admitted to the hospital, and the diagnosis was hepatitis, which made her quit drinking.Maybe this is the unfinished part of her life, I can't speculate, but after being discharged from the hospital, she cut her hair, ate more, her face was a little rosy, and she gained a little weight.We sometimes spend some afternoons.She was resting on the bed and I was sitting next to her reading a book.At that time, the sun was always shining.When she wakes up, she will call my name: Chen Yu, Chen Yu.Smiling, gently stroking my calf.How young and strong, she said.Because I dance, I explain. I just got into dance academy and I'm in a relationship. Jia and I have gradually become inseparable. Jia is actually just an ordinary graduate student with a modest personality and likes to joke. I feel healthy and normal with him.So I stayed in his dormitory more than at home. Later I found her wearing a petticoat, her face turning blue and red, mopping and talking in the kitchen, and there were empty wine bottles on the floor. I hate repetition of life.Extremely annoying, difficult to get rid of human weakness and limitations. I kicked over all the dishes in the kitchen.I want to kick her hard.Kick her and destroy all material existence. She grabbed my hand, knelt down, and said: Chen Yu.Please don't forsake me.I know you're going with someone else. I closed my eyes, supported the wall, and whispered: Let me go. Fate has not spared us.A fate born of weakness. I suspect that the whole world has nothing to do with me For it has been said: Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give them rest.I entered Dan's new church. The church was built in the 15th century. It is a typical Catholic church building. It is gorgeous and rich, which fully demonstrates the power of the church at that time: rosewood podium, north and south colorful glass inlays, red marble pipe organ, David statue, wooden ceiling, lacquered gold .Next to it are nine chapels and scattered confessionals.The hallway is lit with white candles, shaking, shadows and silence. A strange, sudden stillness.The official performance, the little spot lights up, I crouch, the music flows away beat by beat, I look at the light position stickers on the stage floor, the whole person is blank, motionless, I can’t dance anymore —— Sudden, tragic fate. She was lying in the bathtub.I heard the silence, and her blood, gurgling, drop by drop, making a slight hollow sound.I pick her up.She's like getting small, something between my hands.Her body was still warm, and her pulse was still pounding.I pressed the wound on her neck, but the blood still gushed out from between my fingers and flowed away.I kissed her wound and tasted the bloody heat, but the blood didn't stop because of it. I was just cold and dripping with sweat drop by drop.I look up.I suspect there is no sky above my head, and tomorrow never comes.I suspect that the whole world has nothing to do with me.The origin and end of life are nothing but random, cruel and absurd fiddles in an instant.Her life disappeared bit by bit in front of me, but it turned out not to be my will. If there is a God, I am willing to convert.If there is Luciferization, I am willing to sell my soul. Just please, let me go. She did not die later, but was sent to a mental hospital. And I broke up with Jia, and I started to be in a very strange state—— The sun does not enter, only the shadow of myth and power... Next to the church is the City Hall Palace.The palace was built in the seventeenth century, and its appearance is in the style of a classical Greek temple.There is a small room underground, which is the court room, that is, the place where the death penalty was pronounced in the past.After the sentence was pronounced, the prisoner pulled out the pill and beheaded.As a result, the courtroom was filled with bas-relief statues of evil shapes. The large room on the second floor is called the "Citizen's Hall". The floor is made of marble, and there are three huge maps of the positions of the stars on the earth. The stone statue of the Virgin symbolizing the Netherlands looks up.On the left side of the virgin is the lion-headed goddess, symbolizing strength; on the right side is the goddess of wisdom.Surrounded by statues of mythical figures symbolizing earth, water, air, fire, peace, justice, power, and the universe. The hall is illuminated by crystal chandeliers.The room is empty, the sun does not enter, only the shadow of myth and power makes people feel cold all over. —I began to see myself. After she entered the mental hospital, I realized that I was not alone in the family.Waking up in the morning, I saw my mother's bed, sleeping myself.I recognize her because she has the same deep black eyes as mine, full of bewilderment and stubbornness, and the same flexibility and fragility as her hair, but she is much younger than me, maybe only seven or eight years old. I stand and look at her. There was pity and sympathy on her face. I cover my eyes. she disappeared. In the "notary office" on the second floor, the story of Moses accepting the Ten Commandments on Mount Sinai is painted on the chimney.A child's head is drawn in the corner of the room, because this is also a place for notarized marriages. ——When I was dancing, she was watching me from a distance.Sometimes hook fingers, want me to go.I do not. The South Gallery is the office of the Minister of Commerce, surrounded by eight statues, the head of which is the god Apollo, which means light and harmony.The ceiling is a map of war killings, recording the 24-year war of the Dutch against the Spanish invasion. — Sometimes she simply stands in front of me, and I ignore her. The municipal office is a place for discussion.There are large paintings on the walls in the room, which describe the scene of the peace talks between the Romans.The large painting on the ceiling narrates the story that the Romans did not recognize their sons for the country. ——she thought of thousands of ways to torture me. On a sunny morning, I went back to school for rehearsal, but when I looked up, I saw her standing high on the roof of the music room on the fourth floor, smiling with her head up, waving to me, and then jumping off. When I was ordering food in the cafeteria, I saw her sitting opposite me, her face was purple and black, and she vomited green gastric juice. I was doing my homework in the room, and she hanged herself behind me, her shadow shaking slightly.Tongue out. —she wanted to kill me.I am not reconciled in a thousand ways.I do not. In the courtroom, the ceiling depicts the story of Solomon and Moses seeking wisdom.There are large paintings of lions, wolves, dogs, and foxes on the walls, symbolizing the past, present, future, and wisdom. After passing the North Gallery, you are back to the "Citizens' Hall".The north gallery is guarded by the gods of the earth and the gods of agriculture, and the ceiling is a map of Roman wars.There are two small offices in the North Gallery, with pictures of angels falling to the ground and mice filling the room, and ending with the statues of Venus and Mercury. stage is a hoax When my mother came back, she found out that she had cancer.It seems too late.She is weak and I am extremely tired. I took a long, long walk to the Jewish quarter called Waterloo Plein.In this area, there are a lot of graffiti, the stairs are full of water, and the garbage is piled up. It's not quite like Amsterdam.I stood in the long, long sun for a long, long time.There is a "blue bridge" in the distance. I fell in the middle of the bridge for a long, long time. The pain can go to the point of absurdity—she was in so much pain, she would pull her own hair, use artificial pain to divert the burning and cutting in her body, and she kept screaming until blood came out of her throat.Yet she pulls her nails, and I have absolutely no idea why she would do that. In and out of the hospital, she became more and more like a beast. The days I left her, she started becoming incontinent.I remember the smell of poop. ——Hold my hand, with the tranquility of a morphine shot, that afternoon, I held her gently, stroked her face, got close to her, soaked in the humble, intimate, raw, feces smell, and A purely physical bond between mother and daughter.All the pride of life is brought to naught. What kind of humiliation can fate give us. Is it because of this that in Amsterdam, the Jewish quarter where 100,000 people were massacred in World War II, a hexagonal "Star of David" in the distance, and the middle of the bridge in the Portuguese temple, I just feel very, very tired . Probably at the moment when that little spot lights up. I knew my mother was dying—the music flowed away beat by beat until it was still, I crouched and looked up to see myself, seven or eight years old, wearing a cheongsam, with the allure of a child, omniscient, Sympathetic and mean, and then turned her back to me, her eyes were bloody—— The woman named Ye Rong (I am born of flesh and blood) is full of cancer cells, after electrotherapy, sedatives, morphine, long-term confusion and disappointment in life, staggering, smelling of feces, baldness, Pain at the fingertips, screaming, crawling towards the window, pulling the nose tube of the hanger, trying to end everything, but only pulling down the blinds, leaving human warm, beautiful and corrupt blood on the white wall—— Before my eyes, at the moment when this little spot lights up, it is so clear—— She grabbed my hand and said: Chen Yu, I don't understand—— I am on the stage, purely an act of emotion, power, intelligence, rich and rich, as if I could hold life— The stage is a con. It all seems to be a series of intertwined oppositions between the individual and the destiny.When King Oedipus decided to goug out his eyes, it was fate that decided to kill his father and marry his mother; Betrayal of friends and relatives——Is fate playing tricks on people, or is it the fate that people decide to exist—— Gaffers don't know what to do.They lost their cue.So he turned on all the lights. The performance was abruptly interrupted.The audience didn't know it, they clapped their hands, stood up, and called Bravo. —Life is a deception. I decided not to dance anymore.Just as I decided to leave my mother.The moment that little spot lights up—— ... So I came to Amsterdam. Life is a deception... At noon, I was walking aimlessly in the middle of the road in Amsterdam.Is this called Muni Plein, or Rembrandt Plein? In Amsterdam, there are so many Pleins. It is a place where canal memories and bridge cities alternate with tram tracks. It seems that there is such a wide confusion, full of sunshine, European youth drinking a cup of coffee or something - How beautiful the water city is.My heart was so calm that it could burn like a fire.I think my mother is dead: all her unreasonable pains go away.What could be longer than endless torment.not necessarily.All fate is no longer than life. Even fate is but a temporary thing, a chaotic, wrong stroke.I stopped, curled up, a little dizzy and hot, but my body has incomparable strength, and I can't load it with any movement, so I can only stand still-this is it, the white noon, the strong sunlight, in the corner of the world, a fallen European city without reason, I am but a temporary body of flesh, as the stage is but a temporary movement - my mother is dead, I still have endless struggles, because I am alive, and with life without return, abruptly terminated. I know the fate of thousands of people, and nothing more.At this time, I have never been so close to my stage, and all temporary life.On this random Amsterdam street my desperation was fulfilled.This city also completes the disillusionment and enlightenment it wants to complete in my life—life is like a deception.Nothing mattered, but my life suddenly opened up from then on.Maybe I will go back and continue my stage career and do it better than before, or maybe I will continue my journey, Florence, London, Barcelona... .I don't dance anymore.None of this matters anymore.It's just the random but inevitable passing of a dancing girl in Amsterdam.The turning point of things often falls to the point of no surprise, and there is no trace to be found in the world of appearance. So record it.This is written for the grievances and hopes that people can have. Note: Yuzilis originated from the epic poem "The Trojan Horse Massacre of the City" by the ancient Greek poet Homer, and is the hero in the story.The British writer Joyce also has a novel of the same name, which is famous for using the writing method of stream of consciousness. (From Hong Kong Tiandi Books Co., Ltd.)