Chapter 3 Louju

The weather is hot and the whole family sweats all day.I get up at about six o'clock every morning. When I got up, I looked at the people sleeping on the beds in the front and back rooms. Like the disaster victims in Gansu Province, they seemed to be too thin to be human.Because of the hot weather, they didn't go to bed until midnight, so they slept very well at this time.It was cool in the morning and windy, and seeing the big flies buzzing in the air, I stood blankly in front of the balcony that would be exposed to the sun in half an o'clock, facing the opposite side that was hot as a branding iron in the afternoon. Wall, make some inexplicable fantasy.

Because the whole family is thin and sick, I think I have become too thin recently. The old man sweeping the floor in the alley has not yet arrived. Some watermelon peels on the ground, some cut in half, like hats, are very romantically distributed on the squared ground. There are also lights, street lights, white at night, only a little yellow at this time, and the lights will only go out when sweepers come. On my face, between my legs and knees without socks, I feel the cool wind is refreshing and pleasant, but from these winds, from the trees on the street with the sound of cicadas in the morning, I can see that the day after the second half of the day is like turning people away. Put it in the steamer, still the same as yesterday.

I dread the thought of such things as the day.However, not only the days, but everything still occupies my heart. Every day when I wake up, I always feel that there is some weight on my heart.I didn't get enough sleep. When I got up, I felt very tired and wanted to sleep, but I couldn't sleep. After thinking about life and other things, it seems that the enjoyment of the morning breeze by the balcony is close to a luxury. At this time, I should find a pen, ink bottle, and manuscript paper. I have everything ready, and when the wind blows Come sit down at the table and write.So I do my job.

I will write when I have nothing to write, and I write all the articles in this way. I caught the pen in my hand, looked back and slept sideways on a small military bed, with a big bath towel as a quilt, suffering from heatstroke, like my brother who hasn't eaten for four days, his thin cheeks are covered with beards like weeds , I was going to write something, but I couldn't write it anyway. The man seemed to be sleeping soundly at this moment.However, I was so thin and haggard. After looking at this person's sleeping posture for a while, I suddenly felt a kind of emptiness, as if this person in front of me would no longer live, and my existence was terribly lonely.

I stood up. How about it?Take pens, paper, etc. to the back room, and leave this dreadful place. The back room is where my mother slept.Although there is a curtain, the room is not good in the afternoon, but it is fine in the morning.The window in the back room can look at other people's roofs. The red tiles are arranged in scales, and the chimney that often smokes in the morning and evening is so close that you can grasp it with your hands.There is also a good wind in this room in the morning, as long as the door is opened to let the wind have a way out, the wind will come from the window and walk out of the door.

When the sun is still out on the clothes-drying platform, the roofs of other people in the back room are already full of sunshine. Thinking of the sun, sweat, sparrows are not afraid of the heat, playing around on the tiles, my pen is in my hand again.A nail, an ant crawling on the table, a small glass, a kettle, I looked at them all for a while.Seeing the round paper box of mosquito coils again reminded me of the reason why I couldn't sleep peacefully at night.There are so many mosquitoes at night, our family has no tents.Because I didn't get a good night's sleep, I wanted to understand what happened when my mother came at night, so I pinched my pen and quietly avoided waking up my closed-eyed mother with lung disease. I went to her bed and lifted the spittoon cover to have a look.It's all red inside.There was more red blood than I expected, and I took a deep breath.

I stood by the bed, not daring to move, but the patient woke up. It seemed that I had woken up for a long time, and I didn’t want to talk to me for fear of hindering my work, so I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep. I heard that I lifted the spittoon lid, and knew that I was surprised by the blood, so I opened my eyes and saw that I said , "It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. People don't suffer, and they feel relieved when they vomit." "Why so many?" She still insisted, "It's much more refreshing to throw up." She lied.This man just lied to me about these things.

She lied to me not to go, because when I noticed the face that was thinner than my brother's, the color turned from white to blue, and the eyes didn't look like the eyes of a living person, they were small and dull, very pitiful. I felt sad, went to the window to watch the sun, and heard coughing again, and it seemed that there was something in my throat that must be overflowing, but it stuck to my throat again, and I struggled and coughed more than ten times.Then I heard a thud and vomited into the spittoon.I should have poured a glass of water at this time and did not pour it.I looked at the tip of the Notre Dame Road building, which is said to be the tallest building in Shanghai, in the distance. There was a big crane standing there, slowly turning from reclining to standing upright like a mast—as if I was trying my best Escapism.

"It doesn't matter, I vomited last night and it seems to be fine." Because my mother knew that I was sad, she still said such words after vomiting the blood. At first I was angry and didn't speak.When I arrived, I spoke.Like people scolding each other, "How can this work? Anyway, I have to call a doctor." "That's stupid." "You have to do stupid things, otherwise this blood..." "It doesn't matter, I don't know yet? Those people only know how to ask for money!" "There is no way, the money will come out."

"It's still coughing when the money is paid. It's not that the money has never been paid. Look at what they said." I kept silent, there was a reason for my mother's insistence. In the past, the doctor really came, five yuan, or ten yuan, the person came, took out the stethoscope tube from the leather bag, listened to each part, pursed his mouth and thought for a while, without making a sound, took out a square of white paper Come, write a prescription. In addition to printing the doctor's address and phone number in Chinese and Western characters on the corner of the prescription, there is also a saying that this prescription must be filled in a certain pharmacy.Ask again, "Aren't you afraid?" As if thinking that the question is stupid, he looked at me, and after ten seconds, it seemed that he had to agree to a word, so he said, "To Moganshan Go", or, "The air in Lushan Mountain is good", "West Lake is not good", "Shanghai is fine" and other words that made me want to kick him downstairs.As soon as the doctor came, I felt like I was sick. As soon as the doctor left, my illness was cured.

I understand why my mother objected to doctors. The first reason is that doctors in Shanghai hate it. Although I said that I had to invite a doctor to see it once, but I knew better than my mother that without money, this couldn't be done.When the doctor comes, it will cost at least ten yuan, and if there is an extra ten yuan on hand for fire and food, there is hope for my mother's illness to recover in this respect, and there is no need for a doctor. "Because of illness, I feel the pain of being poor." When I thought that way, I didn't dare to look at my mother's face. "I don't have any money, so I have to vomit all the blood." Maybe my mother thought so too.I raised my head and we looked at each other with a wry smile, so my mother still closed her eyes and took a nap, and I sat down.Prepare to work to find money. If you have money, everything may be easy to do. If you don’t have money, it’s all empty talk, which is of no benefit to reality, and it will only cause the family to feel sad. I suddenly took advantage of the morning cool to write 5,000 characters, and my sister who slept on the floor woke up.My younger sister thought that my mother hadn't woken up, so she told me softly that my mother vomited a lot of blood at night and couldn't sleep all night, so I had to find a way. She only wants my ideas, but she doesn't know where I can find a way. Tell her that our current situation is the same as last year in Peiping. During the summer vacation, books are not sold and royalties cannot be collected.Even if someone is willing to pay for a new manuscript, they can't write it. It's a desperate situation. She didn't insist that her mother must go to the hospital like last year when her mother was critically ill. When she grew up, she knew that I was useless and could forgive me, so she quietly took a spittoon full of blood and poured it downstairs.Hearing the sound of going down the stairs step by step, and the sound of pumping water, I had no other thoughts. I sat at the table and thought about the structure. I was making a fuss. Mother is still coughing. Thinking of a little story, it seems that if I write it, it will never be returned by the editors who make deals with me. At the same time, I think of my sister pouring out the blood from the half spittoon.My mother coughed and couldn't write it down.Still talking to her, I said first, and asked her, "Mom, are you at a disadvantage?" "No." "How is it? What do you want to eat?" "I want to go home." This is a sentence she said every day, and I don't comment on it as usual.She also said, "As long as I can support it, I will go back in August." It would be nice to be able to go back. I kept silent, and my mother made up the reason.She was afraid that he was about to die, and there was no way to do it in Shanghai, and there was no place to bury her.The elderly see too many things, and it is clear from the perspective of life and death. The reason why she must go back is not to bury her bones, but to worry that we will feel tied up in this matter.She knew that I had no way to get a sum of money for this important event, and she didn't want me to be in debt for this matter, so she decided that it was better to go home.Originally, there was no home in my hometown, and I might live in a temple when I went back, but because my father, who was a military doctor in the army in his hometown, wrote a letter not long ago, saying that he had no place to live when he came back, but he could go to the military hospital. He also took the phrase "living in the yamen" as a joke. It is really sad to think of the reason why my mother returned home, but now I agree. I said, "As long as I have money, I will do this. I don't teach, and my sister doesn't study. I will go back and live with my mother for a year." "I also think, it's good to go back all the time. I don't have to worry about being poor. If I can send some money here every month, I can live a better life. If I don't have money, I won't be in such a hurry like going to this place every month." Mother's ideas are all for me. My sister also said that it is better to go.My mother is old, and I have lived with my mother for two years, and it is not too late to come out to study again. Decided to leave in August.Mother seemed to be delighted by this. I mentally count my money.Travel expenses are not difficult.With three hundred yuan, I can go to the countryside anyway.The source of the money should naturally be written by me. According to the current market, I have to write 100,000 characters, and the family can return home.I also forgot how long it would take to write the 100,000 words, and how it would become the difficulties of 300 yuan when I wrote it. I temporarily used returning home as the only hope to save my family. So let's talk about the situation in the countryside at this time.It has been eleven years since I left my hometown, four years with my mother and sister, and only my disabled elder brother has been out of the country for less than three months.Although my elder brother was ill, he got up and participated in the conversation when he heard about it.He talked about all kinds of situations in this place that made the old people listen to them, and he didn't leave one thing behind.Like a dream, I will tell them, maybe in Shanghai, in the future, one hundred yuan will be sent to the countryside every month, so that we can live a good life comfortably.I, who said this, seem to have forgotten a lot of the current situation. It's breakfast time, and everyone seems to be afraid of eating. People were already sitting at the table, and the aunt brought the rice, looked at the dishes in the bowl, and shook her head. "Can't you eat a little?" "Okay, try a little." "The dishes are only these dishes, I can't think of anything." "too hot." "Let it cool down and eat a little bit, otherwise my aunt will have a bad face when she puts away the bowl when she sees this." "We are really gods, we don't have to eat this meal." ...to continue the dumbfounding words. As they said, everyone reluctantly ate a bowl of rice, swallowed it as their duty, and drank tea when they were thirsty.After drinking tea, I am ready to sweat again, and I never stop eating because I am afraid of sweating. Before and after the meal, it is easy to have the opportunity to talk about the situation of eating in the country.It seems that everything there is very good, even in such a hot day, each can eat three bowls of rice.It takes at least thirty days to go to the countryside, so when it comes to living on a boat, it seems like you can eat as soon as you get on board. However, in Shanghai, eating out is really a head-shaking thing these days, and no one would want to eat if it wasn't for that aunt. After the meal I sat down at the table again.At this time, I can sleep and I should sleep, but I dare not lie down. I still sit at the table and watch my results for the first half of the day.Look how lame I have written, but I can't be as generous as I used to be.No one wanted the articles I wrote in previous years, so I tore them up, and sometimes chewed them to pieces, and the meaning of my work was gone.Recently, my temper has changed completely. I never lose any bad article, and I often send it to another place if it is returned in one place.At this time, when I saw one of my novels that only filled a single manuscript paper, I thought of my many ridiculous places, but I couldn't laugh. When I read my article, I thought of the attitude of some people who have never invited them to eat snacks, and I am not indignant at all.I should just laugh at myself all the time.It is an indefensible fact that my articles are getting worse and worse.Meaningless empty talk, boring grief and indignation, so trivial that other people can't understand the style, all of them are like this. This is my own feeling when I see my name in the magazine. Because I felt that I could no longer find a life from it, I used to throw the pen holder downstairs from the window in anger.Because I don't want this life to continue, I have found people everywhere to find a small thing to do.Because I am tired of this life, it seems that this is not the first time I have the thought of returning home. At work, I also thought about how to make myself great. As a result, on the contrary, I only paid attention to the number of words.I often think that my articles can sell for a little more money, and if I get a little more money, it will be a lot more convenient for me.But whenever a book is printed in some bookstore, after the advertisement is published in the big newspaper, I always read the advertisement with great trepidation, and I don't want to read the book again. Several times I made up my mind not to do such a thing, and in the end I still made a package of the finished manuscript, carried it under my shoulders, and ran around, asking acquaintances for help.Once I got the money, once I spent it, it was half a month, and the fire and food could not continue. Seeing that there was still no so-called new way to go, I started to do it again. These six months have been "shipped" on time.Now that the weather is so hot, I feel dizzy sitting idle. In order to ship on time, I still write my unpleasant novels. Even knowing that there is nothing to write, I have to write.If you are sick and cannot take medicine, you still have to eat. The heat in the house was unbearable, and the rent still had to be paid monthly. I'm tired of this life anytime.Sometimes, I picked up a pen and thought about it for a long time, but I didn't come up with a story, so I just wrote "Suicide! Suicide!" It seems that once I commit suicide, my family will be reborn and liberated. Talent has eaten, and the weather is getting hotter. Where can I continue to work hard?Although I am called doing things, it is not clear what I did when I sat at the table for an hour. I think I have finished writing a part of the novel, and I can only talk about "new performance" to make fun of it.Because there are still people who can understand what I am writing, and these people often write very touching letters from far away.I want to tell these people that writing this and that is all boring to me, and all I want is to be able to sell.I just want more words.I just wanted not to write novels, so I accompanied the patients back to live in the countryside where they had been separated for ten years, and I was still my sergeant for six yuan a month. None of them believed it. I wrote- "Yu's family has a vegetable garden that grows cabbages..." I continued to write until the fifth page, my back was soaked with sweat, and I still didn't change my clothes. Put down the pen and talk to family members, talking about the hot weather, how some people spent the long days of the hot day, and how some people walked on the asphalt road softened by the sun in this hot day... It was easy A second half day. Put the meaningless dinner on the table again. The mother and sister only said that there was nothing to eat in the dishes, so we drank clear soup and ate plain rice, and each of us barely used up a bowl.As soon as we eat, the day seems to be over. After there was a light in the room, I went to the balcony to look, and saw five shirtless men and two pregnant women who had just moved in and sat around the table to eat.It's the first time I've seen people so informal in the alleys.Listening to the sound of them eating, watching the situation of picking up vegetables and making soup, I can understand that these people have healthy appetites and no miscellaneous diseases, which makes me feel envious. I thought of the hopeless situation of my family, the situation after returning to the country, and the sudden death of my mother.I'm still standing by the railing. I still go to the table to do things, but I can't do it, and I don't know why I can't do it.I put down my pen and went to talk with my mother about the plan to go back to my hometown. She asked me when I could get the travel expenses, and I was confused by this question.Can I tell the time?I haven't left a novel in the drawer yet, and I've been getting more royalties elsewhere than I should be entitled to.The weather has been like this again recently, even if there is a place to borrow money, I dare not go out. Going back to my hometown is just a dream. However, I still said some big things in front of my family, and I told them that in just half a month, I could write out the travel expenses for us to return home.Like selling an appointment, about half a month later, when there is no way to change the date, I have used this method to deal with family members many times. When talking about returning home, my mother seemed to be getting better, and she couldn't be seen as a patient. The people in the family are asleep, and the sound of carriages and horses can no longer be heard on the street. After twelve o'clock, I light candles to write articles and catch up with my creation collection.My thoughts are muddled, as long as I can write, I will not stop writing.Occasionally, I heard a sound in the room with my mother sleeping behind me, so I stopped working for a while, raised my head and listened intently. When the night is quiet and extremely quiet, I put down my work pen, and I am worried that I will die suddenly one day.But I was very tired, and I only had a little nosebleed.In order to make my family believe that I am extremely healthy, I always quickly wipe off the trace of the nosebleed, so that my family will not see it. I wrote the article "The Vegetable Garden" for three days and it was finished.For three days, I wrote while seeing my mother's blood or thinking about my mother's death.I also made a mistake while writing this article and got a little nosebleed. After the article was finished, I nailed more than ten sheets of manuscript paper together, and at the same time told my mother something like a child, "10,000 words, it's done, it's so easy!" Mother didn't answer, coughing.I thought, if I have money to buy medicine, my brain must eat Sanna Tujin. My mother has not taken Kouakos for five days, so the cough is even worse. I told my mother that it was 10,000 characters, and they would give me 40 yuan, and I could write it in a little over two days. If I continued to write for a month, I hoped to return to the countryside.Half of this is close to lying.My mother often sees me with the expression "I understand everything, you've been lying all day lately". I want to deny this, but this July I really wrote another book that is as ordinary and shallow as other works at that time.But it goes without saying that we were unable to realize our hope of returning home.At the end of the month, the rent deadline came again, and the money I got was just enough to cover everything, as well as food and snacks for the next twenty days. My family still talked about returning home all day long, and I also told others that I would go back soon.Mother said August, and now it will be August in a few days.God bless us, if the weather turns cold and the patient has a chance, my mother will not often think of such things as dying in Shanghai and not being able to bury her, so she will continue to live in Shanghai.