Chapter 3 Mr Huanhu

Shen Congwen Mr. Huanhu is sitting in front of the window. Like the temper of an old boy, it is three or four o'clock as soon as he sits down.No reading, no composition, just sitting here like a Tathagata Buddha can do it.This temper is only recently developed.Of course, if a little money was sent from anywhere, this temper would immediately disappear, and the table became an impatient place. Even though he was sitting at the table, his expression was still calm.But with a whitewashed wall as the background, a filthy inkwell, two mahogany fountain pens that once took the place of fire chopsticks to burn off the boss, three glass teapots that were opaque due to accumulation of dirt, and a torch A wine bottle, a soy sauce bottle, a black tin thermos, and some scattered manuscript paper, or besides three or two lines of writing on the manuscript paper, there is a very ridiculous drawing of a cow, which is similar to a human head. Taking a picture of the situation is a creation that can be called "melancholy".If the painting is an arc, and the painting is designated by himself, then this painting will become a masterpiece of "symbol of distress"; he is distressed.I was writing something in front of the table with a very happy expression, and soon I bowed my head and punched my legs, and scratched my hair with my claws. This is when my heart is suffering from self-torture. Uncomfortable.

He often laughs at the good things he fantasizes from his heart, and laughs at the fragments of life that he can think of, but most of them can only give him a chance to cry, and a few can make him laugh for a little longer and more happily. And this laugh is bitter. God knows, what kind of things did this person put his hopeless heart on, and he actually had the courage to survive! one Being able to sit on the ground, using the heart as a bridge, and let the melancholy slowly crawl over every day, this endurance is no less than that of a transcript student in the judicial office.No, he was a copyist!After four or five years of training, I sat in front of an old poplar table all day long, writing boring documents such as "waiting for this" and "pray for lessons" on official paper with a "Daojinbiao" pen , It is not easy to leave the table when there is nothing to do, so he gradually develops a fantasy ability.With the nourishment of fantasies, this person who played day and night at a young age was not enough to continue to play in his dreams, gradually got rid of the unruly habit of physical activities, and became a so-called "spiritual life person" that we usually ridicule a certain kind of silent people. "Are.

People with this kind of spiritual life often feel great and fall into pride in the world, but they can't find such pride in themselves.Spiritual life people often express super material and super practical hopes and beliefs. This retired student needs something more concrete than nothingness to appear in his life. He is one of the young people among the so-called poor young people in Beijing who use novels to resist life.This way of life, but the humble occupation in a small county in southern China for the past four or five years helped him and gave him many benefits: on the one hand, it provided him with life experiences, some strange experiences; It showed his ability to stay in front of a table for a long time without making people feel uncomfortable.Of course, a career depends on one's own confidence and destiny—we understand the situation in the domestic literary world, and the fate of an author lies in the hands of an editor of a magazine or newspaper.Even if I am not lacking in confidence, I am often oppressed by the editor because I was born at the beginning, and finally die from disappointment. ——Confidence is not lacking in him, and all the fates in his part are not bad. Up to now, it seems that he will never encounter too much shaking in his life.

To copy the article, just like copying official documents in the past, copy down his own experience and the illusions that can be generated in the experience, and don't forget the delicate handling of some details, while first gaining a little bit in the creation of this article. Grief or joy, the article finally got out of the draft.As soon as the article is finished, send it to the editor of a newspaper or magazine you know and have contacts with, and use the generosity of the editor to send a notice of payment or a check to the editor within a month or half a month. Come.Once you get the money, you have to pay rent, food bills, take a bath, eat some candy, play, drink, and use it. If you have more money, you can buy unnecessary things, such as expensive toys and toys. What kind of toothpaste and toothbrush are used for women, and then they are thrown away casually or given to another person.If it is too easy to get money compared to other workers, then this method of spending money is already easier than other rich people.

In his first budget, he could have 30 yuan per month (of course, this is almost an extravagant expectation), so although life is not enough, at least "stability" can be obtained.A poor boy who came to a metropolis from a small place in the inland, the guarantee of life is only three years in the army and four years as a transcription student—and a little childish knowledge of inland elementary school education—if this is considered a qualification.With such a qualification, I came to Beijing, which is full of strangers, full of habit, snobbery, and cultural power. I want to get thirty yuan a month. This hope is really a brave hope!At first, I didn't get half of it.Unleash all the abilities as much as possible, if it is not for fate not to let him die, it will not be worth fifteen yuan a month.There are not a few people with a bachelor's degree or a master's degree, whose minds are full of philosophy, geometry, and the quintessential words of Shakespeare, Monroe, and Russell, who are still starving in their apartments.In an era of chaos, everyone seems to be governed by an unknown destiny. It is impossible not to believe this.This is not to say that people living in this era should put down their work and let their fate be at the mercy of them (of course there are many young people who do this), a kind of political chaos, all careers deviate from its inherent track, and all behaviors It seems that there is no need for responsibility, the era is such a bizarre era!

It can also be said that he is the light of this era. Although he is clearly used by the leaders of the bourgeoisie to make money and eat the food of the cultural movement, he is trying his best to be a slave to that kind of people, but he is like this in four years. In the middle, he actually improved his life beyond his original expectations. What was hoped for four years ago has actually become a ridiculously small amount four years later.On a convenient opportunity for a philistine to make money, others raise his value to the status of the so-called famous masters. Of course, what he gets is no matter what the boss of the cultural movement is one-tenth of what he gets. The monthly income of nearly five times that of thirty yuan should already be said to be very suitable for him.Look at those university professors whose minds are full of philosophy, geometry, philology, pedagogy, etc., reading reference books and compiling lecture notes every day, so busy that they forget to eat and sleep, they are not good at befriending the authorities in the new school, and they are always It depends on the fear of losing your job (if you go to the ministry to be a minor official, you will have to spend more than five times the energy to cater to your boss, praying for one's birthday today, and sending a funeral for another tomorrow, and the income is still not much).In terms of life, he really shouldn't say anything about suffering now.

However, it is still bitter.The long-term conflict between real life and inner disharmony has caused him suffering.And a kind of order that should be in life is completely ruined in the long-term monotonous work, so he can't change his life into a non-monotonous life just because of a little more income! We often see that kind of person who goes to a small company to collect seventy or eighty yuan every month, and then returns home to deal with the money in various ways.And there is no lack of childbearing at home.On the one hand, he made the wife at home look like a candidate for life, and he was also full of official style.This is the so-called capable person, and there are many in society.

We often hear that a family of five or seven members all depend on a man who pulls a cart for a living, and the whole family does not seem to be much hungrier than others.Speaking of him, it seems unbelievable that he still often looks very poor.All the embarrassment four years ago still exists in this season, and I am also baffled.In this way, it seems that embarrassment is not for money. Money comes so easily that you can't bear to keep it in your pocket for a long time, so you have to distribute it to various consumption areas.Suffering from embarrassment has become a habit, and once the money comes, it becomes impossible for him to think about living for tomorrow.

When a friend came and saw him propping his head on both hands and sadly at the table, he knew what was going on. It has been four years since my friend saw this, and this is something he has kept outside of his works. "Are you free again?" Asked this way, the answer is: "Yes! Not only is it empty, but my heart is also completely empty." Spending the money on pastry shops and movie theater boxes, which can be said to be out of character for him, to buy a mirror (the mirror has a dozen chances of breaking in the end), or to buy some expensive paper. Scribble cursive.When money is used, people seem to get a little pleasure of revenge, but once the money is used up, they see that they are pitiful.Once the money is used up, I feel the oppression of both money and women, and my heart is really emptied for a kind of love that I can't even explain.To bow your head to the table is to link together the impressions of the various young women in the car on the main road, the cafe, the daytime movie theater, or run across the impressions one by one, and I am annoyed by this.It seemed that any one of the women in this group gave him a little hope, as if some small fair face, or a hand, could take a lot of pain from this person.

In this painful generosity, no woman would ever know.People have such an unintentional side, they go close to each other or sit together for a long time, so they have to spend a lot of troubles. If a woman is to bear this responsibility, then a woman with a better appearance will do it for her. The beauty of life will only live in the responsibility to him forever.This man (you can say he is a useless man), the word "brave" left his body at some point and disappeared to a place where he cannot be found.If you can be a little braver in love, what you will give women is unpleasantness, maybe others can always take him to heart.All he could do was cling to an imagined woman hopelessly and helplessly in his heart, never giving any woman a chance to understand that someone loved her.Of course, this kind of person is only suitable for the stubborn love that squanders his enthusiasm and never asks for reward in life!

The idealists thought they were poor at first, so grief and indignation became inevitable. Only when I saw others who were poorer than myself and bravely stepped forward to conquer women away, did I realize that in my own character, I lacked courage, and I no longer have grief and indignation towards women, only in the beauty of women It hurts to think about it. He has seen many heroes in love, who love fiercely and ignorantly a very convenient woman, and soon transfer this love to another more convenient woman with such courage as the wind.Others are able to conquer the East despite defeating the West in this way, and they are doing so-called heroic careers, but I myself seem to shy away from being invaded by others.I see my weakness so innocently, but I can't try to get rid of it, so I see it more "safe" day by day. "I am so sad that no man or woman knows," he said in the preface to a collection of his stories. Exactly, others will not know, unless they are in the same mood as him, but under a certain internal health, they will become sick, and they will never be able to feel this person's distress. Even in such a troubled life every day, he still can't find the new life that comes with spring in both his mind and body.But spring has really come. The weather changes from winter to spring to Su Sheng, there are only more helpless opportunities for him. The restlessness in my heart is just a matter of my heart.Although there is no lack of desire, but the lack of the power to push the desire forward and prove it in reality, what is the use of this? If you regard a woman as a god, you will have a new lesson among your friends. As long as you feel that you worship her, you don’t have to ask if she is exclusive to others. If you love boldly, it will not produce good results at the beginning.If women are regarded as pigs and dogs, inferior to men, or simply cannot have the so-called equal respect, then it is not impossible to buy women once or twice with forty or fifty in your hands. How cheap are women in this place! Even if a woman possesses the compassion of Buddha and the love of Jesus, it seems that she has to ask the person she loves to make a statement in front of her in order to receive what is bestowed upon her.Who did he regard as a god and complained to this god?In his observation, all good women have the power of God to him, and he believes that omnipotence can save him, regardless of the love of any one. But under the arrangement of his fate, according to the length of time, he just stood in front of this god in a daze, and he didn't even dare to put any color on his face that wanted God to pay attention to him. For any woman who made him fall in love, when others mentioned the woman's name in front of him, his heart would become tense and his face would become hot. one When a friend inadvertently mentions that a woman he knows has become a very close friend with someone, he sincerely hopes that the man who is his lover will be loyal to this woman forever, hopes that their love will be complete and firm, and that the woman Very satisfied with the man.In this selfish hope, this useless man, whose life and experience have made him realize his own uselessness, often reveals a state of pitiful humility, thinking that any man is better than himself for this woman's lover.Of course, no one can understand this ordinary understanding of self-regarding that it is not suitable for a woman's heart! While recognizing the personality and freedom of women, I have never had the courage to do this shameful transaction with money.A person, at the age of twenty-five or so, needs at least as much in the body as in the mind, and he does not deny it.However, when a woman is displayed in front of him, and while he is being persuaded so casually, with a habitual flattering smile, can he also close his eyes and talk to this woman? . . . He wants a liberty, a whore's liberty, and yet he wants the advantage in the behavior of women that he pleases.A woman who thinks she is a prostitute is so generous because of her inability to do so, just as she keeps her body like a jade because of her inability to do so. It is often impossible for him to make up for his own weaknesses with other people's weaknesses. Like a dream, in his works, he repeatedly writes about how good the same prostitute is, it's just a dream.Among the helpless young women who accept what fate has arranged, naturally, there will always be one who lacks the beauty of the female heart by nature.But if he had the ability to dig out the gold mine of his love from this situation, he would have worked hard in some ordinary women who are more sure. In his impression, "Anatole" can be regarded as a warrior, who can understand how to suffer for himself, how suitable this matter is for this ideal Werther! Once, I wrote a letter to a friend, saying that as long as I fall in love once, I am willing to die for it. I believe that I lack other courage, and it is not difficult to do the same thing as Werther. The friend replied wonderfully, and the friend said: "I also believe that you can be Werther. However, love should be found, searched, and discovered by yourself. It is definitely not a possibility of "falling on the head" as you said! It is "falling". In my opinion, brother Under the name, you often miss a lot of opportunities, unless you don't admit that you are all 'lost'!" Yes, what fell on the head of this useless person was not lacking, and he had a lot of faults, but at that time, he saw that others were even more useless, and finally another person rushed forward to take this opportunity. Spring came, and I made a great vow to be another person, at least roughly like Anatole. —"If I am no longer brave, may God punish me for never being a woman in this life!" However, when he swore, he wet his cheeks with tears. He knew very well that he would never be favored by women. Bravery in love is close to temperament, and the poverty of bravery is the same as the poverty of genius: in learning, hard work sometimes does not require genius, in love, except for expecting the woman in fate to be particularly brave, in himself, prayer is always Don't dare to speak loudly anymore! two Mr. Huanhu seems to spend more time sitting in front of the window recently. Don't do anything else, just sit still. People who have lived in a longtang house in Shanghai and who have lived in it fully understand that there are many things that are not as estranged as living in a local apartment in Beijing.The peculiar construction of the house affords many opportunities for an inescapable relationship to the neighbors.In the morning, it is common to open the windows or go up to the balcony, as appropriate, to see each other.At night, the lights in the room become the medium of understanding.Even if everyone knows how to cover everything in one's own room with things like curtains, so as not to let others know, there are still many, many things that unintentionally give others opportunities.What's more, if there is a layer of thin curtains or even a thick layer of felt, if it is—for example, can a woman's laughter be covered with a velvet curtain in front of the window, so that the neighbors will not hear it? ? ——If it is, there is no shortage of women, and if this woman is a young and good-looking woman, will this influence make a man in the opposite building or next door be excited about this place? Separate a wall and live separately. We human beings are originally not connected.Everyone's sorrows and joys, everyone's gains and losses, because a wall can make everyone live their own lives.After the two couples are in Boxi, they build a high wall in their hearts. Even though the couple are an inseparable tin, they cannot communicate with each other.Of course, people who have no so-called relationship are more likely to ignore each other.But there is one thing that can not be blocked by any high walls and thick walls, and that is the mood of love.Starting from either side, as long as it is true, the wall cannot stop it. Although there are many oceans apart, the two hearts are still warm and entangled together as if they were in love.Who can explain this?But everyone is like this. There is always such a period of time in his life, which ruins his life on this mundane matter. As with all love, there is also love at first sight.I didn't think it was very good at first, but fate put this pair of young people together—not very close, but still close, and as time goes by, no matter who is between the two, a feeling of love will spontaneously arise in their hearts. Emotions unintentionally affect everything in life for him alone.There are also people who need women too much, abandon all the troubles of women in their hearts, choose all kinds of benefits of women, and treat women as gods, and because there is no way to prove that women with the ability of gods What is going on, even if I meet any woman, I feel that I can entrust the pure feminine soul imagined in my heart to this strange woman, and love will not be stingy to waste.Each of these three kinds of things adheres to the fate of every young man with its own causes.But he was poisoned in the last words, so, very poor, hopeless and helpless thinking about a woman, there is a second chance.Invisibly, a woman who lived in the pavilion opposite his window grabbed his heart. The woman moved in very recently, less than a week, and judging from the life in the pavilion, this woman is a person who has a very hard life, and this kind of understanding only made him unable to let go of this woman. reason.He wants a woman, and if this woman is poorer than himself, she will give him more courage and convenience than what a "Miss" can give him, so his heart is about three days away. It's not his own heart, as long as there is a slight sound on the other side, the heart will run over. This woman, maybe a student of an art school, this is just a rough estimate.But I always studied art, or painting, or music, and I can understand it from the appearance. At first, I didn't know that such a young woman had moved into the room opposite the window.About the second day after he moved in, one morning, he went to the balcony to dry a hand towel, and accidentally saw the face of a woman with haircut in the opposite window.The face disappeared immediately, but a pure white round face with a pair of eyes dangled in front of him. …No matter what status a person is, if they have a good head, a body that doesn’t seem bad, and they are so young, they must be cute.Thinking of him like this, he couldn't help but stay on the balcony, hoping for the second side in his heart.The second time, what I saw was a small white hand, which was stretched out to the window in order to draw down the curtain. It seems to understand that someone else noticed everything in this window, and he stretched out his hand to the window hesitantly, and then suddenly decided to pull the curtain. After the curtains were drawn, he stood on the balcony, feeling a sense of shame, a sense of loss, and finally a sense of sadness, and walked back to his room. "This is a sin!" Wanting to see, he supported his head with both hands and put it on the table in front of the window.Unable to resist the temptation of this crime, he turned his face away, and then looked from his own window to other windows.The window was not directly facing, so even if he could see the opposite window, and the window had no curtains, what he could see was probably only a narrow space in the window on the other side. However, he seemed to see through the past, he saw the bed, the chair, the desk for writing and dressing, and saw the woman sitting beside the bed, and what he was thinking of was pulling the curtains at the right time. He was troubled again.If the woman is really what he imagined, that woman will never forget how miserable his face is, a pointed yellow face. If so, his disgusting appearance will increase the woman's contempt, and he will only despair in the future . He also thought, maybe he was reading his own article, because when he was on the balcony, he saw a magazine that vaguely looked like "Modern Literature" on a chair in this room. If this magazine was a recent issue, women would not Gone. ...That's right, a woman who reads magazines will never let go of the novel to pay attention to the political commentary ahead! ... Then, do you know that the writer of the novel "Mrs. Yazhai" is a sharp-faced man standing on the balcony and staring at him in a daze? ... What if you know? Whether he knew it or not, whether he read novels or not, in short, he was very sad.In writing, he thinks that he may or may not make a woman feel his inferiority, but his self-confidence in his own appearance is equal to zero.He also found evidence from some past experiences that people looked down on him because of his ugly appearance. He seemed to have seen clearly that this love was ruined by the first impression of a woman. Sorrowful, as if mourning for the harbinger of a broken love that has not yet been in love.This happened at another time too, not the first time! If he didn't know that there was a young woman living in the house a foot away from the window, then the meaning of his sitting at the table would be another meaning.At that time, even if there was some emotion of love, burning my heart, it should be the vague, hopeless and sad emotion that is far away.When you lose love in your fantasy love, you can also use your current work to resist this unfulfilled fantasy.Now he is clearly next to a woman, but he seems to be rejected by the woman. He puts the reason for this failure on his lack of generosity. A person who does not look confident will be discouraged before being selected by a woman. Without this hope, there is no way! He is willing to make up for his own shortcomings in the assumption that his strengths are not beautiful, and he always thinks that this strength is not lacking.And keep the example of another ugly pock-faced man who is favored by a good woman, thinking that if he can do it, he can naturally succeed as usual.However, what the friend redeemed was a Cambridge master's degree and an inheritance of nearly 200,000 yuan. What does he have?This era has evolved into a new era, and all the old-age daughters who love and elope are no longer suitable for the new women. If you think you have failed and outdated in beauty, you still want to love the women of the new era. In addition to money, reputation is needed.What is his reputation?A bookstore can use him to make money, but a woman may not be happy to have such a lover.A magazine editor, in a letter asking for a manuscript, can politely call him a friend, a bookstore can call him a genius, a famous artist, but this is not a counterfeit. Qualified as a lover or a husband.On the contrary, for all the young people who engage in this career, in fact, many people can enjoy the benefits, but this kind of people have become withdrawn and useless because of their work. But at a loss, love is more likely to fail.And except for the few women who really need love, most of the other women, how smart they are, know how to use various methods to spy on the family and career of the man who wants her.There is another kind of woman, just how stupid they are, they only know how to let a man who has the opportunity to attack with passion at will; in the end, after being conquered, she returns to the man who she fears more than loves him.He, who is chosen by others, will never pass the exam, but also lacks the courage to conquer others, so why dare he be optimistic about women? "However, I have strengths, and there will be women who will need this strength," he thought, and he masturbated a little. "Women are not the same, just like ducks are not the same: a duck that doesn't live in a stream and never sees water may not be the same. I like to swim, but I like to climb trees. How can it be concluded that this woman is not a woman with a special personality?" His only and very pitiful thing is that he hopes that there is something special among women, and this special meaning seems to mean that if he does not want to love, she will pester him in the future, and Sarai will definitely be close to him.Maybe there is!Maybe it was just such a woman he met at this time! Fate arranged for this boring man to suffer a little more, and this woman just went to school with a book through the back door.When he heard the door open, he pressed his face to the window, and saw the woman turn around in the alley below.The women seen from the window are not all. one A blue woolen cheongsam wraps her body tightly, with round shoulders, a fluffy head, a white face, a pair of small and slender feet, and two black hollow leather shoes.She is a timid, kind and happy woman with the temperament of antelope.A woman worthy of the praises of a poet who could make some good poems.She was the kind of woman who would give him a lot of trouble at another time. He tried to find something wrong with this impression, for example, being old, with freckles on his face, or shapeless breasts, or overdeveloped buttocks... He wanted to raise a little self-esteem in this fault, but he couldn't find it.From the way he walked, he wanted to see that this woman was an aunt or something, so he couldn't feel too sad.But half of this woman's beauty lies in her walking steps.Such lightness and vivacity, such symmetry, only gave him some hope of the opposite. Such a good woman, the place where she lives is only a foot or two away from her own place, she is really an alarm clock that makes the soul uneasy! At first he was hurting himself, but now his eyes were wide open, and he had many absurd dreams. He thought of the kind of things that would happen after he met the woman: he thought of how he would make the woman move to a better place. house.He thought of helping this woman so that she would not be oppressed in life while studying.He thought that this woman could live a life with him in the future, and that this life would be abundant and satisfying. He also thought that he would write a long novel for this woman—that is, of course, his wife—in the future, roughly surpassing all current novels, and from this novel she became a beautiful and beautiful character who would not age. In the future, many people in society will use their lives as conversation materials, but he will use the 1,000 yuan he earned from the novel to buy exquisite painting tools and a violin worth 400 yuan for the woman. I often use this violin to play famous foreign music for him, and let him sit by the big writing desk while writing novels and listen to it. ... He also thought of the time when the two of them met at the beginning. "Yes, I want to ask her how she felt when she saw me for the first time! If she wants to tell her how she fell in love with me! Naturally, she just chuckled. But I must say it. But I must not say it, just laugh That smiling look is worth a hundred kisses on the left and right cheeks!" He thought of his wife's smiling expression, but there was a dry smile on her thin cheeks.Poor look, in his heart not only the family warmed by love has been completed, but he has also raised the child to five years old in the shortest glance. ... I just learned to smoke, so I smoked a big fort with a small-toothed cigarette holder, and the little thing came.Go, Dad has something to do, to learn the story of Alice when she visited our Miao village!If he refused to go, he was fined to sit at the table and count the pages of the manuscript for his father. ………… There should also be a daughter, Xiaoyang's child is so cute, and he is looking for a younger sister for the little thing!Yes, the elder brother is five years old and the younger sister is three, that's how it fits! How to get along with this woman, he forgot. three He hurt himself.For no reason, just sad.My heart is sour and hot.He is going to cry.You have to rub yourself, you have to mock yourself, and you will pity yourself later.To a life of debauchery which had gradually become the rule, there was suddenly added a disturbing incident, which had been carefully studied and was just asking for it. The energy of loss is born in the sadness of demanding and sacrificing. It's a matter of losing money. It's just that one-sided thought, unrequited love, come to form in the mind how many Chonglou Jiege, how many comedies and tragedies, how many tears and lingering, and all the pain and joy of those who have families and lovers, and put aside the reality.But when he opened his eyes, there was a navel-shaped ink bottle standing in front of him. The ink bottle, the dream and the ink bottle, were just two enemies.It is difficult to balance the situation. Going on dreaming, there will only be a layer of dust on the ink bottle, and the ink will only slowly settle, and the next month's fee will become a problem.Let the ink bottle do its job, and keep the cherry branch shaped like a snake between the ink bottle and the white manuscript paper all day long, then this dream has been broken into small pieces——that’s it, with a little bit written on one side What kind of novel, let some soft words and soft songs from the neighbors who seem to contain malice shake this restless soul, what kind of life will this be! It is cost-effective for this person to spare no time to plan for losses. In the bright and happy dream, he discovered a kind of pain that he could never forget that he was dreaming. This made him discouraged and wanted to find another way to go.To go the other way, he should be like a knight (he is a kind of knight in love), and like a knight, that is to say, he should be bolder, thicker, and try to get close to this woman first. Perhaps by doing so, the foundation of the dream became solid.Maybe doing this is a good way to give him the courage to protect himself. Since there are obstacles in his progress, it is wise to retreat bravely. However, can Mr. Huanhu become a knight or a wise man?Not at all. He thought it might as well be dead.It won't be so easy to die.But think. "Thinking of death", thinking of death for such troubles has become a necessary thought in life. From death, so to what a painful wound.Press your fingers to a certain part of your waist or head, and the pressed part will burn.So it was like a display of corpses.So the next day, there were some bastards who pretended to be friends to hold a memorial service, or made some special memorials in the newspaper, and the result was better. Some philistines who had spent some money to buy his novels, ... Just in order not to let these people make money as much as possible, they should live well in this world.To live well in the world, then for the time being a woman, there is nothing more to mourn than curiosity. But at another time, it is still worth saving yourself from this ridiculous thought! If you don't die, how can you live and be "well"?In the end, thinking is still thinking, sadness is still sad, until the sadness can't be resisted, and you want to die, you still make it think.So rest assured that you will never be able to do it just because you think about it, but you may not be able to do it just because you think about it. "Laughing"!This is one hour after the first thought. Just heard a kind of laughter.Qingqian, coquettish, sweet, as well as a loud laugh that is almost being twisted and struggled by someone in a banter.This laughter affected Mr. Huanhu who was sitting blankly at the table, he was more likely to get drunk than eating wine. ——No, it means that there is nothing to do than sniffing wine.When an alcoholic puts a good wine up to his nose and smells it, he feels the desire to drink it or swallow it (or at least take a sip), and he can't even take a sip. What can he do? This woman may have returned home from the front gate, or the sound of walking, from Tongzi's mouth to the front of the gate, is such a long distance, he would never have been unaware.Perhaps it was another woman, for the indulgence of the laughter seemed not to belong to that woman. Even with another woman, the laugh was lovely. "It doesn't matter who laughs, it's all sin!" he thought, "If I were a woman, I wouldn't laugh, because I know that in a casual smile, even if it is not in person, it can give another The pain of men is also great!" However, the laugher was still laughing to himself, and after a while, he began to sing softly. one 个年青男子的趣味，在女人的不拘某一事上总比在许多事业上还固执。焕乎先生就是那么一个年青人。他把所应作的事全搁下不干，一个下午全在一种听隔壁戏中消磨了。 日子是这样消磨，与在一个电车上消磨究也无多大分别，不在此呆就跳上电车，让一个车匣子把自己从静安寺搬到靶子公园，一趟至少将近花一点钟，来去既当加倍，则应在两点钟左右了。花两点三点，到电车上坐着，去看一切人，与一切货物房子，并嗅一切女人身上的香味，及一切男子的臭味，这已作过无数次，似乎也应换换方法了。如今则所换的却近于意中所选择下来的一件事，不过假使是下文还能如意中所选择，那焕乎先生将成另外一个人的。 这另外一个人，将把幸福与苦闷揉成一个生活，这生活是因来到这上海而得的一种事业，事业的继续把自己就变成另一个人，……只有天知道这样一件事！ 这生活，如果如所摹拟的继续的下去，那真是一个荒唐不经的梦了。在不拘谁一个人，总能如所希冀去做吧。到焕乎先生，则将成为一个笑话同一件喜剧。他要的是生活，随到生活后面的一切责任初初还不曾想到。譬如同一个女人玩一次的代价，至少是献殷勤花十二天，用钱二十元，写信八次，（也有本不必要的，但那是什么样的命！）他并不缺少空闲，也有钱，可是这方法，真是一个“大举”！他会设什么方法使一个女人陪到他去上卡尔登看一次卓别麟的马戏？他会设什么法要人离得他近一点？他能想什么方法把自己靠拢不拘谁一个女人一点？ 要，那是要的。他就只知道要，还学不到怎么就可得到这东西。女人是那么多，正象是随处都有碰触肘子的可能，但要他认真去撞一个女人，那撞法在他便成为一件难事。不合宜也罢，就在顶不入时的方法中，仍然就有无数女子长年陪到一个陌生男子睡觉了。在他的情形中无一个女子不象是不配同他生活，但把自己接近女子方法用到新旧两种女人中，则似乎都不相宜。结果则需要自是需要，想要而不能得的难堪也几几乎成为一种平常义务。 这义务，如今是轮到为对窗这女子尽的时候了。 “是这样，那就多么好！是那样，那又多么好！好是好了，然而，…”接着，他便自己如同与另一个他说，“全都好，失也罢，得也罢。朋友，可是我还不明白怎么样去把这一件事成为两边都引为责任的时候！” 问题仍然是要另外那个女人知道。就是尽她笑话，也得明白才好。 尽她笑话，正是，假若这一边，所有的热情，全用了一种乡下礼节送过去，在那一方又正是一个顶瞧不起这类男子的，那才真有笑话讲！ 从笑话上他便看见了他的一个失败以后的未来日子。那时这女人，正拿着他写满了蚊子头大的字的一纸自白，笑着递给她那个原有的情人。 于是男子也笑。 男子且说话了。 “胡闹！一千个无聊加上二十个混账，成为这样东西！” “是啊！在先，见到他，常常有意无意的从那个窗子口露出一个可笑的头来，我就为这个心里怪着，不知道还是一个痴情汉子咧。” “痴情汉子”，那大概是吧。在那女人口中，这样称呼恐怕是顶相宜了，夹一点嘲弄，一点可怜，一点儿恨。然而全无爱的意思。且那男子至少是同情于这一句批评。男子或且说，“痴情汉子？”把这句话加上一个疑问符号，那是更合于一个被保护者受人无理取闹时其保护者从冷笑中说出的口吻了。男子或且应该采用一些本地土产骂人言语，赠给这痴情汉子。 男子，这是一个情敌！ 焕乎先生在这个虚空的情敌身上，把价值估计下了。 …白脸，长身，穿青色洋服，有着那通常女子所爱的一种索俐习惯，以及殷勤的天才。还有钱。虽然这女子的情人应是一个穷人，因为女子象并不富，但一个穷女子并不妨有一个有钱男人。 …这男子，就是在美术学校与她认识的。怎样就认识，自然也不出于平常的几种。 到认识，于是她成了他的情人，他也成为她的情人了。 …他在她欢喜的时候必定很放肆，作着一个年青男子对于女人所作的平常事情，她为此便更欢喜。 …他必善于作伪，会假哭假笑，会在认错时打自己嘴巴以取悦于这女人。又必能赌咒，用为坚固他们爱情之一种工具。 …她见他一事不遂意，脸上有忧愁颜色，必用口去亲他哄他，使他发笑，于是他在这样胜利下就笑了。其实这就是假装，他为了试验女人的心，常常是如此作伪的。 …男子家中必定家里已有了太太，且曾同别的妇人恋爱过了，可是在她面前他会指天誓日说自己是黄花儿，同她恋爱是第一次。 …这男子，在口上必用着许多好话，在行为上用着许多柔驯，在背地里又用着许多鬼计，来对付这女子！ 焕乎先生愤然了。愤然于此男子之坏，且以为女子因怕这男子，是以明明不满意这关系，也不敢另外再来爱谁，他想象她必定有时候是以眼泪为功课的一个女子了。他又想象她是曾想到自杀，且终于还真去尝试这自杀方法，不过到后却为这男子阻拦，且为男子所威吓，只有委屈下去。 “一个该杀的男子！一个滑头！一个—”那一边，忽然听得一个男子的声音，戛戛唱着革命歌，焕乎先生心中矍然自失了。料不到，当真就有一个，且是一个革命者！一个这样青年给占有了这样一个好女子，焕乎先生自己便又看出自己落伍的可怜情形起来。 Four “我问你，对面那个女人—” 那房东老太顶知趣，懂到当一个年青男子打听不相识的女子时，所欲明白的是些什么事，便贡献了焕乎先生一些作梦的新材料。 第一是学生，第二是学音乐的学生，第三是同了一对年青夫妇住此，她住的便是这亭子间。房东老太婆还很谦虚的说所知道的不多，以后当代为问询，但焕乎先生已心满意足了。他要知道比这个更多，也是没用处的事。他只要明白所估计的不差到太远，便已算是够了。 当到老太婆一出房门，他便自言自语“自己的错误，多可笑的一种错误！”他因为记起在另外一个时节听到那个男子的说话声音，才了然于刚才唱歌的那一位即对楼另外一女人的男子，便马上又心中若有一种希望在动着，这希望，为了到凉台上一看的结果，且滋生长大，又渐到以前一般情形了。 上到凉台上去，是下午十点左右光景了。望到街上的灯光，以及天上的星光。但焕乎先生注意的是那对巷亭子间的窗。 窗子是关着，然而玻璃可以透过见到房中一切。他见到的是一种类乎特为演给他看的剧之一幕。先是房子空空无一人，只能见到一张写字桌的一角，以及一张有靠背的平常花板椅。人是到那一边临街房子去了，在那一间房中则厚厚的白窗帘，遮掩了一切动作。所无从遮掩的是灯光与人声。大致人数总在四个以上，其中至少且有三个以上女人声音。唱着不成腔的歌曲，且似乎在吃酒，豪兴正复不浅。女人中他算着必有她在。 象一个花子在一个大馆子前的尽呆，焕乎先生所得的是惆怅而已。然而这惆怅，到后转成说不出口一种情形了。是为了那亭子间房中有了一个人。这便是日间所见的主人了。 第一眼使焕乎先生吃惊的，是这女子若有重忧，又若疲乏不堪。 白白的脸在灯光下辉映着，似乎比白天所见更白净了。剪短的发蓬成一头，且以一只手在头上搔着。一坐倒在那张椅子上后，便双手捂了脸伏在桌前了。 人是纵不在哭泣，已经为一种厌倦或忧愁苦恼着，想要哭泣了。 这样的情形，若是在白天，焕乎先生所想到的，必定以为是为那所悬想的男子欺骗伤心，故独自在此暗泣。但此时却以为另为一种事了。另外一种事，谁能说不正是思量着一个男子作着那荒唐的梦而伤心呢。又谁能说不正是感着一种身世寂寞与孤独而难过呢。总之是有着痛苦，一个女子的苦痛，在对男子失望与想望两事上，还有什么？ 若果是事情所许可，焕乎先生便能凭借着一件东西沿着过去劝慰。他自己是觉得太应在一个女人身上尽一点温柔义务，故这时便俨然又以为是一个机会了。真算是一个很好的机会！不到一会儿，房子中已有了三个人，全是年青女子，看情形，便知道是他所揣测不错，是来劝慰这女人了。 女人在一种牵扯中反而更放赖了，只见其用手捶桌子边，头却仍然伏在桌上不起。声音无从听到，看样子则女人已大声哭着了。 what to do?真使一面焕乎先生为难！ 看到那种混乱，焕乎先生便着急万分。只愿意把自己搀入，作一个赔礼的人。即或是过错在女人，他也愿意把赔礼作揖的一切义务由自己荆他觉得，女人的痛苦全是男子的不善，他愿意以不认识人的资格来用一种温柔克制了那眼泪，即或只此一次的义务！ 看到这种种，却终无法明白这事的原委比见到的稍多一点，焕乎先生忽又为自己难过起来，感觉到别人即或是相打相骂也仍然是有一个对手，自己则希望有一个人发气发到头上来也终无希望，便不能再在凉台上久呆，顾自百无聊赖转回房中了。 且想着，一个大学生，与酒与眼泪连合起来，这身世的研究亦太有趣味了。 另外他为这女人又制成一种悲哀成因。他把这悲哀安置到一件类于被欺被骗的事上去。 ……必定是一个男子，或者便如白天所设想那类男子，把热情攻破了她最后那一道防线，终于献身了。到最后，她却又从友朋中发现了这男子在另一个朋友身上所作的同一事情，于是……该杀！ ... 假若这男子这时正在此，焕乎先生的义愤，将使这男子如何吃亏！他想，“是的，这样人实应在身体上得一种报应，才能给作女子的稍稍出气！”可是他也想到自己是无从为一个人报仇，但她要的若是补偿一类事，他却可以作到的。 什么地方有一个被人欺骗的女子，要来欺骗男子一次，或从一个痴蠢男子方面找到报复么？ 尽人来欺骗，也找不出这样一个女人啊！ 至于身为女子，在社会上来被男子一群追逐拖挽磕头作揖，终于被骗，那又正是如何平常普遍！ 在悲悯自己中，焕乎先生又想到这样徒自煎熬为赔本之事，便睡。 Fives 凉台上，常常有焕乎先生，徘徊复徘徊，望四方。 凉台为房东老太婆晒衣之用。当头全是一些竹竿。太阳好，焕乎先生把自己被头也拿了出来，晾在架子上。把被晾在架子上，把自己留在凉台一角，同是在让太阳晒而已。 冬天太阳虽热，能如在对角小晒台上横横一根竹竿子上的一双长丝白袜之使焕乎先生心热？望那一双白丝袜，则焕乎先生便如在同炉边。然而假如此时照得是六月毒日，则这去身不到一丈远近之女人脚上物，便又成为一把绸遮阳了。 单单只是一双袜子，也便知道美的全体的陈列到眼前，焕乎先生是太善于联想了。 把眼望四方，则望见的是突突作声的各色汽车奔驰，汽车中大半坐的是女子。女子，则焕乎先生又把思想移过来，到那一双白袜子的主人了。 那么近！相距的是不到一丈，（然而心的距离真不知正有多远！）在平常，一对情人，一对夫妇，同在一个大房子中，不正常常有离开一丈两丈时候？如把这两间房子，与一条甬道圈在一处，不是还比别人寝室小？但是如今却如此隔膜，如此不相关，俨然各在一世界。虽在这一世界上的人如何愿与另一世界人认识亲近，而另一世界人倒象全无知道可能。 焕乎先生在此时，便想到自己欲伟大而实渺小的情形，不知如何措手了。 在往常，这人与人隔膜，是使焕乎先生想努力成一点什么伟大东西的引子。他想若果能在这隔膜的上面找到一种相通的机会，那就好。文字是一把破除人间隔阂的刀，他是信这一句话。然而他这时，是把这目下的欲望来写一点什么小说，还是直接写一封足使这女人感动的情书？ 不拘是何种，总之因这欲望的驱使，他将在一枝笔上发泄他这一腔奔放的热情，那是一定的。 坐到桌边后，笔是拿起了。然在两者中他不知道选择的是哪一种。 时间便在他呆子一样的占据桌前情形中，一分一秒过去，要作什么全不能作的焕乎先生，到后在房东老太婆到门边嘘嘘作声时，他便喊老太婆为他拿饭上来。 饭是吃过了，又无事。在这一边虽无可作为，那边亭子间的灯光却已明亮，歌声轻轻的，缓缓的，越唱越起劲，正象有意来诱引他一样。真是一种难于抵抗的诱引！渐渐的，这歌声，就把他拖到外面去了。从凉台上望对面灯光，则灯光下的人影隐约可见。 这是为谁而唱？真只有天知道了。或者为房中另一个人，或者为她自己，或者就正为这个露立在凉台上让风吹的傻汉子。可是这轻轻的缓缓的歌声，在焕乎先生耳边宕着摇着，不问其用意，仍然只是一种影响，这影响便是使他难过。 把许多问题到心上来过堂，问了又问却不能自己开释自己成为一个清白人。站到这里只是一件可笑的事，不过虽明知是可笑也仍得怯怯的站到这地方，那就是他莫能自解的心境了。怕人家知道又似乎愿意别人知道，站到这凉台上真不明白是出气好还是不出气好！ 连出气与否也成为一问题，则其他类乎直接麻烦人的事情当然不会发生了。 假若说，这是一幕喜剧或悲剧，恐怕自始至终也只能这样闭幕，我们的主角，所能的就是这类角色的扮演，即或是事实可以再热闹，也只能这样终场了。 到了二月他搬了家，搬家也只是为朋友劝告见面方便。但女人的影子总是在心上，不能去。但也自幸是搬了好，虽略略对离开这个地方难过。 要忘也无从忘的结果是一有机会过霞飞路时节，他便绕道走善钟路，到旧居停处去问有信没有。 问房东老太婆，他知道人还是在现地方，每日上课与在家中唱笑，皆如常。然而知道就只此。窗帘是似乎常常开着，常常的开，则焕乎先生之惆怅又可知。 “搬回来了吧，”那老太太似乎明白他的心思，那么劝着这年青人。 “想到搬”！真是想到了。到后却又说：“很费事就不搬了。” 想到搬，终于也就不搬的。 然而在目下半年中焕乎先生不会把这个女人从心中开释的。梦还是做下去，只是不思量可以从两边凉台上互相说话了。