Chapter 56 You can never think of 3-(Xue Feng)

really hot.I know that not only the weather is hot, but my heart is also hot. Everything has been weighed and the conclusion is quite clear.All that remains is to use action to make the goal a reality.Those ideas in the past—specifically, to go to a difficult place to create extraordinary performance—whether they were lofty or fanatical, everything has receded anyway.Deep down, it does feel a little sad.It is always painful to say goodbye to something so sacred in the past.This is also like we want to be adults, but we are nostalgic for our childhood.This metaphor is not appropriate.Anyway, my dear Xiaofang and I once made an ideal sail together.Yes, sails.This sail has been sailing in the blue sea of ​​our hearts... but the sail should turn now.Yes, steering.Turn to the channel paved by the logic of real life, instead of wandering arbitrarily in the ideal kingdom.As the son of a farmer, I will always have deep affection for the mountains and rivers of my hometown and the folks there.I have been unable to sever my emotional connection with all this, and always think that no matter what, I still have to go back to their China.

But then the mood gradually became contradictory. To be honest, although I went to a normal university, I should be a teacher, but of course I would rather be a poet.If I went to the mountains as I originally thought, I would only be able to teach in a middle school.Teachers, that means endless lectures, assignments, and meetings.If there is another head teacher, it will be tossing around behind dozens of second-rate boys all day long.Can this write poetry?A poet should listen to symphonies, watch ballets, and make extensive acquaintances in order to gain inspiration.However, in the desert, you can only listen to the wild roar of the Mongolian wind and see the endless yellow sand dunes without any life.I can't even find a person on the road for dozens of miles, so what to write?Maybe I can only praise those poor Salix repeatedly...

I may be exaggerating.Yes, after all, there are relics of the majestic ancient Great Wall lying in the desert; camel bells, Haizi, beacon towers, as well as the magnificent sunset and the rising smoke are all poems.I think I just stay in the big city, and I will definitely go there in the future.But it should be a poet to roam, not to be a permanent resident there.This is exactly what I think and the difference between now and the past.Of course, all these changes are slowly developing. After I entered university, I gradually found that it was almost difficult to find people with the romantic view of life that Xiaofang and I had.All people are practical.While they are desperately learning knowledge, they are desperately chasing things that are said to belong to them.

To be honest, I looked down on these people at first, thinking that my level was higher than theirs.I once frankly told my classmates my plan after graduation, but some people laughed mercilessly.They said that when I was still in the "Gang of Four", I insisted on "going to the mountains and going to the countryside". After that, everyone gradually ignored me, as if I was a monster.I have experienced painful loneliness. At that time, I looked again and again into the temple of my soul, and saw once again that what was enshrined there was still sublime. At the same time, I also began to observe and ponder the life views of those who laughed at me without prejudice.I thought like this at the time: Since so many people believe in something, do I have the right to easily deny it?

At first, I found that these things were still opposed to what was in my heart.I can't follow suit.Although I am lonely in my environment, I have my Xiaofang.As long as I am with her, I feel extremely smooth and excited.It's not just that I love her deeply, but more importantly, we have similar hearts.Her beauty, kindness and integrity, her fire-like enthusiasm will always fascinate and intoxicate me.We often talk about deserts, poems, trees, and the work we are going to do in the future...all of which give me the courage to stick to my point of view in my environment.I think as long as Xiaofang and I are together, let alone going to the Mu Us Desert, even going to the icy and snowy North Pole will be happy.

When I returned to school, I still heard some old topics: how to stay in the city through the back door; If you want to engage in a career, you must find a good wife and good mother who is not ambitious, or you must be a good wife and mother but also have a good career, etc. Soon, suddenly a person took the initiative to make friends with me.This is the Yue Zhiming I have already mentioned.From all aspects, Yue Zhiming looked like a high-ranking son.He can hide the flashy in the simple; he can hide the vulgarity deeply under the refined surface.The essence is arrogant, but can care about others condescendingly.Let’s take clothes as an example. Outerwear is not particular, but shirts are special.Everyone knows whose son he is.Several female students in the class were vying to get close to him, probably because they wanted to be the daughter-in-law of a member of the Standing Committee of the Provincial Party Committee—even though they knew that he was already in love with the daughter of a deputy political commissar of the Provincial Military Region.Yue Zhiming and I became friends after I published a few poems in newspapers.I am willing to associate with him not because he is the son of so-and-so, but because he is willing to befriend me.You know, no one in class made friends with me.

Yue Zhiming immediately opened up another world to me. He took me into their home in the provincial party committee compound with soldiers standing guard at the gate—by the way, I usually pass by this gate without even daring to look inside.Now entering here is like entering no man's land, and even the serious soldiers standing guard still nodded with a smile - this is of course not to me, but to pay tribute to Yue Zhiming.I followed him in his father's car, watched the intoxicating and brilliant performances of foreign symphony parks, and enjoyed the exciting performances of ballet troupes from Beijing and Shanghai.Tickets are often hard to come by for these high-end shows, and we don't even have to buy tickets and still get the best seats.

At the same time, my friend introduced me to many extraordinary people in his circle.Such a circle is usually composed of some really talented young people and some less talented but well-born children.One must either be born in a noble family or be extremely talented, otherwise one cannot enter this kind of circle.I am sure that ordinary people walking on the street will never know that there are such worlds in this city.I was introduced by Yue Zhiming as a "famous young poet", so I became one of them in a grand manner.I have heard here the most difficult debates in philosophy; I have heard presentations of the latest schools in art.Sartre, Picasso, Freud, magic realism, stream of consciousness are frequent topics.Of course, there are also various topics about China, foreign countries, ancient times, modern times and the future.You can also go to see some in-house movies; listen to some hard beat music and so on.I was dazzled and dumbfounded.In such a situation, I just listen with my ears and don't say a word.What can I say?I tried to withdraw from the stage, but it was like a drinking addiction, and I didn't want to be absent again.To be fair, I still got some very instructive things here.I have increased my knowledge, broadened my horizons, and seen some new worlds.But I also paid for it.I found that my consciousness, feelings, and psychology have undergone some changes.At first, it was slight and superficial, and then gradually began to enter the blood, starting to burn a new flame, stirring up some new thoughts.I find that I can seldom listen to the distant sound of the small river in my hometown with the wonderful mood of a poet; but what I hear is the overwhelming noise of the symphony and the soft and slightly sad melody of the serenade.I seldom think of the mountains and rivers of my hometown, the land dotted with wild flowers, the green hills blown by the breeze, and the golden piles of wheat on the threshing field; those beautiful ballets are spinning in front of my eyes from time to time The colorful scenes in the big city...

Oh me!I sometimes feel extremely ashamed of this change in myself, especially every time I see Xiaofang.Every time she stood in front of me, like a huge exclamation point, my heart couldn't help but tremble violently.She always seems to have a fresh wind on her body, which immediately woke up my chaotic mind.Every time I'm with her, I see more clearly how precious she is to me.Once I am with her, I can restore some of my old things.Of course, I don't want to tell her too much about my many later encounters.I love her, and I'm afraid she might misunderstand.When I left Xiaofang, I couldn't help being drawn into the world I had already described.How contradictory and painful it all is!

Later, I gradually adapted to my two worlds.I even want to learn from each other's strengths and weaknesses between these two worlds, and shape myself into another kind of person.I don't want to become purely like the people in Yue Zhiming's circle, but I also don't want to bind myself in that pure ideology as before.I am confident that in my new pursuit of life, I can also control my own destiny. I thank Yue Zhiming for introducing me to the editor-in-chief of "Northern" magazine—— This is an old friend of his father.Because of this relationship, I was valued by this magazine.During the summer vacation of the third school year, I was temporarily invited to this editorial department to help with work.From the perspective of the editorial department, this method is used to cultivate talented new writers. From my perspective, I can learn things here that I cannot learn in school.

I work hard here, and I often clean up the office of the poetry group where I read manuscripts, and even turn on the water for other departments graciously.During this period, I have listened to the face-to-face teaching of several famous old writers in this province; I have listened to the literature lectures of several young writers who have won awards in the country.The most important thing is that in more than a month, I have become friends with many editors in the editorial department and even the editor-in-chief himself.I wrote many poems here, among which the group "Youth Movement" was published in the fifth issue of "North" that year - it is said that the editorial department of this poem later received letters from many young readers. After the summer vacation, I left the editorial department with a feeling of attachment.To be honest, I thought at the time, how great it would be if I could work here for the rest of my life!Of course, this is undoubtedly a dream.But anyway, I believe I made a good impression on all the respected people here.All this has satisfied me.Can you imagine, after this, what kind of mood will I think of the desert again?The desert, the place where Xiaofang and I were passionately in love—that magical land, is now desolate in front of my eyes; I see only the boundless sand dunes and the boundless sand dunes illuminated by a lonely crescent moon. The sporadic Artemisia argyi clumps blown by the light Mongolian wind... Once my understanding and thinking changed, I immediately became anxious. Now I think: Although I don't want to live like Yue Zhiming - it's impossible, but I think I should at least pursue a more ideal life in my opinion - this life will definitely not be going to the desert again up.Yes, why shouldn't I stay and work in this city?Of course, it would be best to go to the editorial office of "Northern". I think I have woken up from a deep dream in the past. But at the same time, I also thought that my Xiaofang is still immersed in that dream. It doesn't matter.With our deep love, I believe I will shake my beloved out of that dream.What if you can't wake up?It doesn't matter.Wouldn't it be nice if she would agree to live with me--with her old dream?This may be poetry in itself.But how can I achieve my new goal?My major is a teacher training major. According to regulations, I should teach after graduation.Of course, this fate can also be changed—— Didn't many people change?But this requires strong social ties.I have no such relationship, and in our family and relatives, I am probably the most promising one.I immediately thought of Yue Zhiming, yes, now I can only rely on this friend.The graduation assignment is approaching, so we must hurry up and do the work. When I expressed my wish to Yue Zhiming, he said lightly: "What's so difficult? You can go to the editorial department of "Northern". It's up to me. I don't dare to go there myself. I really need to be able to come to work there for a while, I can’t eat that bowl of rice, and I might embarrass my father’s old friends, it’s not worth it.” "Then where are you going?" I asked him. "I'm going to the Provincial Drama Association. It's easy to mess there. Of course, I'm not going to do those babbling operas. I want to do TV dramas. Now the provincial TV station hasn't set up a full-time screenwriter. Transfer to the past, and now make a transition." He hesitated for a moment, and then said to him: "I have a girlfriend in the Provincial Forestry College..." He immediately said: "It's easy to handle. Let's go find my mother, she is in charge of the distribution in the Education Bureau... Alas, when it comes to my girlfriend, I am very distressed, my girlfriend..." "What's the matter?" I asked him, "Isn't your girlfriend in the provincial military region?" "That was a long time ago. Now I am completely disgusted with the daughter of a high-ranking official. I am superficial and self-important. I don't understand anything except spending money and acting like a baby... Huh! Now I have another girl who is from a commoner background. Although she is a worker, she is very talented and good-looking, and she is fond of literature. She has published several stories in magazines in our province and other provinces... well, I haven’t even published one myself. This aspect seems to be unworthy of others..." "Then you can also write about it." I said to him. Yue Zhiming immediately took out a roll of paper from his pocket and said, "I wrote a poem, can you change it? Let's cooperate!" "Okay." I said.When I read Yue Zhiming's works in the dormitory, I couldn't help being surprised: what kind of poems are these, they are simply nonsense! But there is no way, I have to rewrite it for him.It is said to be rewritten, which is actually equal to rewriting.At the beginning, I wanted to keep some of his sentences, but I couldn't.Later, I saw if I could keep at least a few of his words, but in the end I couldn't even use a single word.After the poem was "corrected", I was worried: How could his self-esteem bear it when I treated his "work" like this?When I was worried.Yue Zhiming couldn't wait to come over and ask me how the rewriting was going.I had no choice but to bite the bullet and show him my rewritten poem. He looked at it and said, "Okay! You've changed it!" I blushed, but Zhiming nonchalantly signed the pseudonyms of the two of us under the title—however, he modestly wrote his name after mine.He took the poem to the provincial newspaper with great interest—he said he knew the deputy editor-in-chief of the provincial newspaper, Guan Fangyi.In this way, our "cooperative" poem was published in the provincial newspaper. Zhiming became more affectionate to me all of a sudden, he said that he was planning to co-write a novel with me, and asked me to go to his house in two days to discuss the outline, and then go to the provincial education bureau together to find his mother and talk about my situation. The assignment of milk friends after graduation... Only then did I realize that I need to discuss this issue with Xiaofang as soon as possible...