Chapter 43 description of a struggle (2)

There are vigorous swallows on the stones on the shore. The fat man said, "Dear Mr. Shore, don't you try to save me. It's the river's vengeance, the wind's vengeance; I've lost. Yes, it's vengeance, because we, me and my friend, the prayer, are in Singing the sword, sharpening the sword, how many times have these things been violated amidst the blazing trombone and the deafening sound of drums and drums." A little seagull spread its wings and flew over his belly, its speed not affected at all. The fat man went on to say: b Conversation opened with the prayer

"For a while, I went to a church every day, because a girl I fell in love with worshiped there for half an hour every night, and during that time I could look at her quietly. Once the girl didn't come, I looked towards the praying crowd with great reluctance, and an emaciated young man who was kneeling on the ground with his whole body caught my attention.His hands rested on the stone, and now and then he seized the head with all his strength and struck it with the palm of his hand, moaning. There were only a few old women in the church, and they turned their kerchiefed heads from time to time to look at the praying man.It seemed that he was pleased to be noticed, for before each expression of pious affection he looked to the left and right to see if there were many people watching him.

I didn't think it was right to do that, so I decided to greet him as he walked out of the church and ask him directly why he prayed in this way.Yes, I'm mad because my girl didn't come. But it took him an hour to stand up, make the sign of the cross seriously, and stop and go to the holy water basin.I stood in the path between the holy fountain and the door, and I knew I wouldn't let him pass without an explanation.I tilted my mouth, which is my usual preparatory action before opening my mouth to speak.I leaned on my outstretched right leg, and the left rested nonchalantly on tiptoe, which also kept me on my feet.

The man may have seen me when he sprinkled the holy water on his face, perhaps he had noticed me with concern before that, for now he suddenly ran to the door and went out.The glass doors of the church were closed.When I followed him to the door, I couldn't see him, because there were several narrow alleys and the traffic was very heavy. He didn't come for the next few days, but my girl did.She was wearing a black dress with a sheer lace trim at the shoulders that covered the neckline of her shirt, from which hung a long silk skirt with a neatly cut collar.As soon as the girl came, I forgot about the young man, and I didn't even think about him when he came again every day and prayed in his usual way.And he always turned his face away in a hurry suddenly and walked away from me.It may be because I always have the image of his movements in my mind, so even when he is standing, I feel that he is slipping away quietly.

Once I was delayed in the house.But I still go to church.I didn't find the girl there and was going home.The young man bowed there again.At this moment, the scene of that day appeared in my mind again, which made me feel curious. I tiptoed softly to the door, gave a copper coin to the blind beggar sitting there, and squeezed to his side behind the open door.I sat there for an hour, maybe I made a face.I felt very comfortable there and decided to come there often.In the second hour I felt that there was no point in sitting here for this man who prayed.Still, I agonized over the third hour as I endured the spiders crawling on my clothes, when the last of the men came out, panting, from the shadow of the church.

He also came out.He walked carefully, touching the ground lightly with his toes before taking a step. I stood up, took a big step forward, and grabbed the young man by the collar, "Good night." I said, my hand did not let go, and I pushed him down the steps all the way to the brightly lit square . When we came down below he said in a voice that was not firm at all: "Good evening, my dear, dear sir, and you must not be angry with a villain." "Yes," I said, "I want to ask you, my sir, that you slipped away from me last time, and today it seems unlikely."

"Please, sir, let me go home. I am very poor, it is true." "No," I called to the noise of the passing trams, "I won't let you go home. I was going to hear the truth. I'm lucky. I congratulate myself." Then he said: "O God, you have a heart alive and an elm head. How happy you are to say I am lucky! For my misfortune is tottering misfortune, teetering on a tiny point The misfortune of the world, which, when it comes to it, will befall the interrogator. Good night, my sir." "Okay," I said, as I grabbed his right hand. "If you don't answer, I'll yell right here in the alley. Then all the salesgirls who are leaving their shops, all the lovers who are waiting happily for them, will come running because they think a cart-horse has fallen or gone out. Something like that. I'll show you to these people then."

With tears streaming down his face, he kissed my hands back and forth. "I'll tell you what you want to know. But I have a request. Let's go to the little alley over there." I nodded, and off we went. The small alley was dark, with only a few dim street lamps here and there, but he was still not satisfied with the dimness, so he led me into the low corridor of an old building. Ticks fell on the wooden steps. He solemnly took out a handkerchief, spread it on the steps, and said, "My dear sir, please sit down so that you can better ask questions, and I will stand up so that you can better answer. But don't make trouble with me."

I sat down, squinted my eyes at him, and said, "You're a complete madman, yes! What do you look like in church! It's ridiculous, and how awkward it is for the bystanders! How can anyone see you?" Pray earnestly." He pressed himself against the wall, turning his head freely. "Don't you be offended—why are you offended at something that has nothing to do with you. If I misbehaved, I would be angry with myself, but if it was only someone else who misbehaved, I would be happy. So if I say, I The purpose of prayer is to make others look at me, you don't have to be angry."

"What are you talking about," I shouted too loudly for such a low aisle, but I was afraid to muffle my voice, "really, what are you talking about? Yes, I guess Now, when I first saw you, I guessed what condition you were in. I have experienced it, and if I say this is sea sickness on land, I am not joking. The essence of this disease is , you forgot the real names of the things, so you randomly put a few on them in a hurry, hurry up, give them a name! But as soon as you walked away, you forgot the new name again. Yang on the field You call the tree Babel, because you don't know, or don't want to know, it's a poplar tree. When you see this swaying poplar tree, and you forget its name, you will definitely say: Noah ②He was very drunk."

① The unbuilt Babel Tower in the Bible. ②The new ancestor of mankind after the flood in the story of the Bible. He said, "I don't understand what you're saying, I'm glad." I was a little shocked when he said that. I quickly said angrily, "You're happy that you understand." "Of course I understand, kind sir, but what you said was also very strange." I put my hands on the upper step, leaned back, and said in this impenetrable, last-ditch wrestler's stance: "It's funny how you saved yourself, you put yourself in a situation where someone else assumed it would be." .” Then he had courage.He folded his hands together, coordinated his whole body, and said with a little reluctance: "I'm not doing this to offend everyone, and I'm not going to offend you, because I can't do that. I'd be happy if I could, because Then I don't need the attention of the people in the church, and you know why I want their attention?" This question caught me off guard, and of course, I didn't know, and I didn't want to know.I said to myself, I didn't even want to come here, but this man must make me listen to him.So now I just shake my head to show him I don't know, but I can't move my head at all. The person standing across from me smiled.Then he squatted down and said to me with a tired face: "I have never felt confident in my life. My understanding of the things around me is just an unfounded and flimsy imagination. so much so that I always thought that these things were once there, but now they are dying. My dear sir, I have always had such an irresistible pleasure in seeing things as they are before they reveal themselves to me. .They may have been beautiful and peaceful then. They must have been, because I've heard people talk about those things in that way a lot." I was silent, but with an involuntary twitch of my face to show how displeased I was, he asked, "Don't you think people talk in that way?" I thought I should nod in agreement, but I couldn't move. "Really, don't you believe it? Hey, listen; when I was a kid, after a nap, I opened my eyes, and I hadn't quite woken up from the nap, and I heard my mother use the "What are you doing, my dear? It's hot!" A woman replied from the garden: "I'm having my snacks in the garden." They said that without thinking. , and in a vague way, as if the woman was waiting for the question, and my mother was waiting for the answer." I thought it was asking me, so I went to the back pocket of my trousers, pretending to be looking for something.Actually, I wasn't looking for anything, I just wanted to change my appearance to show that I cared about this conversation.This, I said, was very strange, and I could not understand it at all.I went on to say that I don't believe it to be true, that he must have invented it for a purpose which I just haven't seen through yet.I closed my eyes after I finished speaking, because my eyes hurt. "Oh, that's good, you agree with me, and you didn't stop me to tell me that it wasn't for your own personal gain." Don't I, I can't stand upright, I have a hard time walking, I don't walk with a civilized stick, and I don't brush shoulders with loud talking and laughing passers-by, so what should I—or we—have to be ashamed of? .As a shadow, on the other hand, I do not have free-swinging shoulders, and I hop along the sides of the house, sometimes disappearing into the glass of the display windows, and should I not be extremely displeased at this. "What a life I live! Why are all the houses so badly built that sometimes high-rise buildings collapse, and people can't find a reason for the collapse from the outside of the house. So I climbed on the rubble and asked everyone. One person I saw: 'How can this happen! In our city - it's still a new house - today the fifth house has collapsed - think about it.' No one can answer my question. "Often people in the alleys would just fall down and die like that. Then all the businessmen would open their gates full of wares, run over nimbly, drag the dead man into a house, and wink I came out with a smile, and broke the gossip: 'Hello—grey sky—I sell a lot of headscarves—yes, there's a war.' I walked quickly into the building, and several times I He timidly raised his hand, bent a finger, and finally knocked on the small window of the house servant: "My dear," I said kindly, "a dead man has been dragged here. Could you please show me?" ?' He shook his head, as if unable to come to a decision, so I said firmly: 'My dear, I'm the secret police, let me see the dead man at once.' 'A dead man,' he asked, as if insulted. 'No, we don't have dead people here. This is a well-behaved family. 'I said goodbye and left. "But later, when I was about to cross a large square, I forgot all about it. The difficulty of walking through the square confused me, and I often thought: If such a large square is built out of ego, Then why not also build a stone railing across the square? Today there is a southwesterly wind. The air in the square is invigorated. The wind roses on the spiers of the city council tower draw small circles. Why can't the crowd be quiet? This is What a noise! ​​All the window panes were rattling, and the lampposts were bent like bamboo poles. The cloak of the Virgin Mary on the columns was blown out, and the wind would tear it apart. Rotten. Didn’t anyone see this? The gentlemen and wives who should be walking on the gravel road are floating in the wind. When the wind dies, they stop, say a few words to each other, and nod their goodbyes, but if the wind blows again, They couldn't resist, so they all lifted their feet at the same time. Although they all held on to their hats, they all smiled, as if it was mild weather and I was the only one who was afraid." Treated so badly, I said: "I am not at all surprised by the story you just told of your lord mother and the lady in the garden. Not only because I have heard and experienced many such stories, Some of the stories I've even been involved in myself. It's actually quite natural. Don't you think I wouldn't ask the same question if I were standing on that balcony, wouldn't I give the same answer from the garden? Such an ordinary one thing!" He looked very happy after I said this.He said that the clothes I wore were beautiful and he liked my tie very much.How fine my skin is.This kind of recognition is the clearest thing to cancel the recognition. c prayer story Later he sat next to me, I was very embarrassed, I turned my head to the side and lowered my seat for him.Even so, I noticed that he was a little awkward sitting there, trying to keep a little distance from me, and he said with difficulty: "What kind of life am I living!" I went to a party last night.By gaslight I bowed to a young lady and said, "I'm so glad we're going through winter"—as I bowed and said this, I was annoyed to find that my right thigh Get out.The kneecap is also a little loose. So I sat down to talk, for the integrity of my speech was always to be preserved: "Because it takes so much less effort to live in winter; it's easier to behave, and to speak with less effort. Is it, my dear lady? Wish I were here Makes sense." My right leg annoyed me even more at this point, at first it seemed like it was coming out completely, and then I managed to get it right with some pressure and proper massage. Then I heard the girl, who also sat down out of sympathy, say softly: "No, you don't impress me at all, because—" "Wait," I said, contented and hopeful, "my dear lady, you don't have to spend five minutes just talking to me. Eat while you talk, I beg you." I stretched out my arms and took a bunch of grapes full of grapes from a bronze bowl held up by a little boy with wings. Gracefully handed it to the girl. "You don't impress me at all," she said, "everything you say is dull and incomprehensible, and you don't tell the truth. Because I believe, my sir—why do you always call me my dear lady— —, I believe that the reason why you don't tell the truth is only because the truth is hard to tell." God, I'm in a good mood now! "Yes, madam, madam," I almost cried, "how right you are! Do you understand, my dear madam, that it is a great pleasure to be understood in such a way without seeking it out. " "Because it's too hard for you to tell the truth, my sir, look at you like that! Your whole body is made of tissue paper, cut out of yellow tissue paper, like a silhouette, and when you walk, people Got to hear your rustle. So it's not fair to get mad at you for how you act or think, because you have to bend over according to the draft in the room at the time." "I don't understand. There are a few people standing here in the room. They're either putting their hands on the backs of their chairs, leaning against the piano, or they're hesitatingly putting their glasses to their mouths, or they're timidly going into the side room, and if they In the dark, their right shoulder was broken by a box, and they would stand in front of the open window, breathe in the fresh air and think: There is Venus, Venus, and Chang Gung, but here I am meeting with others. What if What is the connection between the two, I don't understand. But I don't know at all, whether they are connected.—You see, my dear girl, all these people are so indecisive and behave ridiculously because they don't understand, it seems that I am the only one One clearly heard what others said about me. In order to make this place a little bit more pleasant, you speak in a teasing tone, and obviously go on and on, like a burnt-out house with only load-bearing walls left Now people's eyes are almost unobstructed. During the day, through the large window holes, the clouds of the sky can be seen, and the stars can be seen at night. But now, the clouds seem to be cut out of limestone, and the stars appear. Unnatural graphics.——In order to thank you, let me tell you a secret. All people who are willing to live will one day be like me. They are all cut out of yellow tissue paper, like silhouettes. The—as they see—they will be heard rustling as they walk. They are no different from what they are now, but they will look that way. Even you, dear lady—. " Only then did I realize that the girl was no longer sitting next to me.She must have left after her last few words, and she was standing by the window, far away from me, surrounded by three talking and laughing young men in snow-white turtlenecks. I happily drank a glass of wine for this, and went up to the unusual pianist, who was wagging his head and playing a sad piece.I carefully bent down to his ear so as not to frighten him, and said softly along with the piece: "Excuse me, my lord, let me play the piano now, and I will have a good time." He didn't hear what I said, so I stood a moment embarrassed, and then, restraining my timidity, I went up to the guests and said: "I'm going to play the piano today. Yes." Everyone seemed to know that I couldn't play the piano, but they all smiled kindly at the pleasant interruption of their conversation.When I say loudly to the piano player, "Excuse me, sir, let me play the piano now. I want to have a good time. It's a triumph," before they listened to me intently. Although the piano player stopped playing the piano, he didn't leave his brown stool, as if he didn't understand what I meant.He sighed and covered his face with his long fingers. I had developed a little sympathy for him, and was about to encourage him to play the piano again, when the hostess came in with a group of people. "That's a strange idea," they said, laughing out loud, as if I was putting on an act. The girl also came over, looked at me contemptuously and said, "Ma'am, please let him play. Maybe he was trying to have fun.This is commendable.I beg you, madam. " All laughed with delight, evidently finding the remark as ironic as I was.Only the piano player was silent.With his head down, he gently stroked the wooden board of the stool with his left index finger, as if painting on the sand.I shivered and put my hands in my pockets so that no one would notice.I also can't speak clearly because I want to cry.So I have to choose my words carefully so that the idea of ​​crying seems ridiculous to the listener. "Ma'am," I said, "I must play because"—I forgot the reason for saying it, and sat down at the piano.It was then that I understood my situation again.The pianist stood up and thoughtfully stepped over the stool because I was in his way. "Please turn off the light, I can only play the piano in the dark." I sat up straight. At this moment, the two gentlemen grabbed the stool, whistled, and rocked me gently, and carried me away from the piano to the dining table. Everyone seemed to be in favor of it, and the lady said: "You see, ma'am, he plays very well. I knew it all along. Don't worry about it." I understood what she meant and bowed a big bow to express my gratitude. Someone poured me a glass of lemonade, and while I drank it, a young lady with red lips held the glass for me.The hostess handed me meringues on a silver platter, and a girl in a snow-white dress put them in my mouth.A buxom lady with blond hair held a bunch of grapes on top of my head, and I had only to pick and eat them, and the lady looked into my averted eyes. People have treated me so well, so naturally I was surprised when I was going to play the piano again and they wouldn't let me go. "All right," said the host, whom I hadn't noticed before.He went out and came in with a huge top hat and a patterned copper-brown coat. "This is your thing." Although these are not mine, I don't want him to bother looking for them.The host was close to my thin body, and personally put on the coat for me, which fit me just right.A kindly woman with a kind face bent down little by little according to the length of the coat, and fastened the buttons of the coat one by one for me. "Good-bye, then," said the hostess, "and you are welcome to come back soon. You know, we always like to see you." At this moment all those present rose and bowed, as if it were absolutely necessary.I tried to return the salute too, but my coat was too thin, so I picked up my hat and fumbled out the door. As I stepped out of the house with small steps, I suddenly saw the moonlit night sky, the large vaults, the circular square of the city council, the Maria lamppost and the church. I calmly walked from the dark to the moonlight, unbuttoned my coat, and warmed my body; then I raised my hands to silence the roaring moonlit night, and began to think: "So what if you pretend it's real. If you want me to believe that I'm standing ridiculously on the green gravel road, it's not real. But you, the sky, your real existence is long gone, and you, round square, you never really existed." "You are now superior to me, it is true, but only if I do not give you trouble." "Thank God, Moon, you are no longer the Moon, however, to give you the name of the Moon, it would be my oversight to still call you the Moon. Why call you the 'forgotten paper lantern with a strange color' you Not so gleeful, why do you hide when I call you Lamppost Maria, and call you 'the moon with the yellow light' so I can't see your aggressive posture?" "It seems true that you are not well when you are thought of; you have less courage and less health." "God, it would be good for health if the thinker learned like a drunk!" "Why is everything so still. I think the wind has died down. The little houses that used to glide around the square as if on wheels were not moving at all--silence--silence--there was no way to see the usual ties between the houses and the square. That thin black line that divides the land." I ran.I ran three times around the square unimpeded, didn't meet a drunk person, so I didn't need to stop quickly in the middle, and I didn't have to struggle to detect it, and I ran straight towards Carl's Alley.My figure often appeared shorter than me on the wall, and it ran beside me as if it were running on a narrow road between the wall and the embankment. Passing the house of the fire brigade, I heard a commotion from the little ring road.As soon as he turned into the ring road, he saw a drunken man standing by the railing of the well, his arms outstretched, and his feet in wooden slippers stamping the ground. I stopped first to calm my breathing, then walked up to him, took off my top hat, and introduced myself: "Good night, frail lord, I am twenty-three years old, but I have no name. You must come from that great city of Paris, with a strange, singable name. The affectation of the out-of-balance royal palaces of France surround you." "Your colored eyes must have seen that tall woman standing on a high bright platform, her slender waist turned around mockingly, but the same color spread on the steps The ends of the skirts were still lying on the sandy ground in the garden.—Did you not see that there were everywhere servants in gray, smartly cut tailcoats and white trousers, their legs straddling the poles, their upper bodies bent back, To the sides, to the poles, they must lift the great gray screen of the earth aloft, and hang it on thick ropes, for tall women wish for a misty morning." He hiccupped, which almost frightened me, and I said, "Really, is it true, sir, that you come from our Paris, from Paris with the wind, ah, from that mad hailstorm?" He hiccups again, and I say sheepishly, "I know, I'm honored." Then, I quickly buttoned up my coat, and said enthusiastically but shyly: "I know that you don't think it worthwhile to answer me, but if I don't ask you today, I'll have a miserable life all my life." "Please tell me, Mr. Fashionably Dressed, is it true what people tell me? Are there any people in Paris made of only beautiful clothes, are there houses with only gates, and in summer, the city is blue and the sky is only sparse. Dotted with a few heart-shaped white clouds, is it true? Is there a wax museum full of people in Paris, where there are only trees with small plaques on which are written the names of famous heroes, criminals, and lovers." "And there is this news! This obviously untrue news!" "Really, those big avenues in Paris suddenly branched off and weren't quiet anymore? Everything wasn't always so well-organized, how could that be! If there was an accident, people would walk across the big city People's steps, which rarely touch the gravel road, rush up from all the paths to watch; although everyone is curious, they are also worried that they will be disappointed; they breathe faster and stretch their little heads. If they touch each other After a moment, they will bow deeply and ask each other for forgiveness: "I'm really sorry - I didn't mean it - it's too crowded, please forgive me - I'm too stupid - I admit it. My name is - My name is Jerome Falloch, I'm the spice vendor in the Via Cabotan - allow me to treat you to lunch tomorrow - and my wife will be very happy too.' So people talk, little alley The noise made people dizzy, and even the smoke from the chimneys between the houses was shaken down. That's it. Maybe there were two cars parked on a busy street in a rich neighborhood. The servant opened the door solemnly Eight purebred Siberian wolfhounds hopped out of the car, jumped up and roared towards the roadway. Then someone said, these are some fashionable young Parisians in disguise." His eyes were almost closed.I was silent, and he put his hands in his mouth and pulled his chin.His clothes were filthy.Probably someone else had driven him out of a tavern, and he didn't know it yet. Perhaps, without our appreciating it, our heads will still grow on our necks during the short, silent interval between day and night, and perhaps then, imperceptibly, everything stops and we Did not observe, so everything disappeared without a trace.At the same time, the two of us stood alone, bent over, and looked around, but saw nothing, not even felt the resistance of the air, but we still firmly remembered in our hearts that we were in harmony with each other. At some distance we have houses with roofs and, fortunately, boxy chimneys, and it is through the roofs, chimneys, and attics that darkness creeps into the rooms.Fortunately, tomorrow is another day when everything is clearly visible, which is unbelievable. The drunk man raised his eyebrows, and with a look of light in his eyes, he said staccatoly: "It's like this - I'm sleepy, so I'm going to bed - I have a brother-in-law who lives in Wenzelplatz - I'm going there Go 'cause I live there and my bed's there--I'll go--only I don't know what his name is, where he lives--I can't seem to remember--but it doesn't matter, because I don't even have Brother-in-law doesn't even know--now that I'm gone--do you think I'll find him?" Without even thinking about it, I said, "I'm sure I can find it. But you are from a different place, and it happens that your servant is not with you. Please allow me to show you the way." He didn't answer.So I offered him my arm and let him hold it. The next conversation between the fat man and the praying man— For a while, I tried to cheer myself up.I massaged my body and said to myself: "It's time for you to talk. You're already embarrassed. Are you troubled? Wait! You understand the situation. Take your time! Everything around you is waiting for you, too." "It was like at the meeting last week. Somebody was reading something in the manuscript. I had copied a page at his request. When I saw the words on the page he had written, I was startled. .It was baseless. People were leaning over from three sides of the table. I cried and swear, that wasn't my writing." "But what is the resemblance between that and today's business. This conversation which has begun today is entirely due to you. Everything else is all right. Take heart, my dear!—you will propose something different. Opinion.—You can say: 'I'm sleepy. I've got a headache. Goodbye.' Quick, quick. Say something to get your attention!—What's this? Blocked again? What do you remember?— — I thought of a plateau that rose up as a shield of the earth against the high sky. I saw this plateau from a mountain, and was about to roam over it. I began to sing." My lips were dry and unruly, and I said: "Shouldn't you be living a different life!" "No," he said in a questioning tone, laughing. "Then why do you pray in church at night," I asked, and everything between me and him that had been held up like a dream had collapsed. "No, why are we talking about it. Anyone who lives alone at night is not responsible. People are afraid of some things. Maybe the body will disappear, maybe people are really what they are in the dimness, maybe Can't walk without crutches, maybe it's better to go to church and pray aloud so others can see and get your body again." He said so, and then he didn't say a word. I took out a red handkerchief from my pocket, and wept with my head bowed. He got up, kissed me and said: "What are you crying about? You are tall and big, which is what I like, and you have two long hands that can almost do what you want; why are you not happy about it. I advise you to always wear dark colors - no - I'm flattering you, and you're still crying? You're perfectly sane enough to take life's troubles." "We're actually building useless war machines, towers, walls, making silk curtains, and we'd be amazed at all this, if we had time. We're floating, we can't fall, and even if we were uglier than bats, we would Flying around. On a good day, there's hardly anyone who can stop us from saying, 'God, it's a good day' because we've adapted to the planet and lived according to our consensus.” "We're like tree trunks in the snow. They just look flat and you think you can push them away with a little effort. You can't, you can't, because they're bound to the ground. See, even It's all just superficial." Thoughts hold back my sobs: "It's night now, and tomorrow no one will blame me for words I might say now, because they might be words in a dream." So I said, "Yes, that's true, but what shall we say. We can't talk about the shining of the sky, because we're still standing deep in the hallway of a house. No—but we could have talked about it anyway, We are not entirely autonomous in our speech, and we have neither purpose nor truth to achieve, but only to have fun and amuse ourselves. Nevertheless, would you please tell me again the story of the woman in the garden.这个女人多么值得钦佩、多么聪明啊！我们应以她为榜样。我多么喜欢她！我遇到了您，就这么把您拦住了，这也不错。我十分高兴和您谈了一次话。 我听到了迄今为止也许是有意不去了解的东西——我很高兴。 " 他看上去很满意。虽然接触一个人的身体使我感到难为情，我还是得拥抱他。 后来我们从过道走到室外。我的朋友吹散了几团碎云，所以现在我们头上已是满天星斗。我的朋友吃力地走着。 4胖子的末日 这时所有的一切都发生得那么快，一下子就到了远处。河水在一悬崖断壁处流向下方，它有意打住，在裂石棱角边还犹豫不决，蹒跚迈步，可再往下，便如泻洪一般，飞身而下，雾花四溅。 胖子讲不下去了，他不得不转过身，消失在震耳欲聋的、飞奔而下的瀑布之中。 听到这许多趣闻的我站在岸边望着。“我们的肺该怎样做才好，”我喊，我叫，“您若呼吸得快，您就会因自身中毒而窒息；您若呼吸得慢，便会因吸的是不能呼吸的气体、因吸入使人恼火的东西而窒息；如果您想找到适合于您的呼吸速度，您就会因寻找而毁灭自身。” 河岸在无限延伸，而我的手掌却触到了远处一个小指路标的铁牌。我觉得这有点不可思议。我这么矮，差不多要比平时还矮一些，而一簇带白色野无花果、快速摇曳的灌木丛都比我高。这是我看见的，因为这簇灌木刚才离我很近。 不过尽管如此我还是搞错了，因为我的手臂像阴雨连绵的乌云一样大，只不过手臂比云动作更匆忙。我不知道，为什么我的手臂要把我可怜脑袋压扁。 而我的头却小如蚁卵，只不过受了点损伤，因此不那么滚圆。我转动着头，作出请求的样子。因为我的眼睛是这样小，它所表达的东西不可能被人注意到。 可我的腿，我那双不像话的腿还跨在树林覆盖的山上，遮蔽着一派田园风光的山谷。这双腿在长，还在长！它们长到了已经没有自然风光的空间，它们的长度早已超过我的视野。 不，这不是我——我那么小，眼下是那么小——我滚动着——滚动着——我是山中的雪崩！喂，路过的人们，劳驾告诉我，我有多高，量量我的手臂，量量我的腿。 “怎么回事，”我的朋友说，他和我一起从聚会中出来，在劳伦茨贝格的马路上安详地走在我的身边。“您站一会儿，让我弄个明白。——您知道吗，我要做一件事。这件事可不大好做——这清冷而又明亮的夜，这对什么都不满意的风，有时它像是要改变那些金合欢树的位置似的。” 月光下，园丁房屋的影子笼罩在稍稍隆起的道路上，被点缀上些许积雪。当我看到门边的长凳时，抬起手指了指它，可因为我没有勇气，估计有人会指责我，所以又把左手放到胸脯上。 他一点也不顾及那身漂亮的衣服，厌倦地坐了下来。他用肘支着髋，把前额放在弯曲的指尖里时，我吃了一惊。 “好的，现在我来说说这件事。您知道，我生活很有规律，无可指摘，该做的、值得称道的事都做了。正如我周围的人和我满意地看到的那样，我往来的这个社交圈子里，司空见惯的不幸并未能使我幸免，而那种一般的幸福倒也并没有离我而去，因而我能在小范围里谈论这种幸福。好在我从没有真正恋爱过。有时我对此颇感遗憾。但如果需要的话，我也会使用谈情说爱时那些老生常谈的词语。不过现在我要说：是的，我恋爱了，并且也许因恋爱而情绪激动。我有着姑娘们所喜欢的炽烈的爱。可难道我不应该想到，恰恰是从前的这一不足之处使我的情况有了一个非同寻常的、有趣的、特别有趣的转变吗？” “安静，安静点，”我无动于衷地说着，想的只是自己，“听说您的情人很漂亮。” “是的，她很美。我坐在她身边时，只有这么个想法：'有这个胆量——我的胆子这么大——我要去海上航行——我喝酒就要成加仑地喝。'不过我的情人笑的时候，并不像我所期待的那样露出牙齿，我只能看到那个又黑又窄又弯的张开的口。她笑起来头向后扬时，显得既狡猾奸诈又老态龙钟。” “我不能否认，”我叹着气说，“可能我也看见过，因为这肯定很显眼。但还不只于此。所有年轻漂亮的姑娘都这样！我看到穿在优美身材上的合身的、带许多褶裥、饰物的衣服时，常常这样想，这些衣服不能总是这样漂亮，它们会起皱褶，不再平整，落上灰尘，装饰物上积起的厚灰也去之不掉，谁也不愿这么可悲又可笑地每天早晚老穿脱这同一件贵重的衣服。不过我也看到，有的姑娘也许很美，有着非常迷人的肌肉和小腿、光滑的肌肤和细密的头发，可她们每天每日都带着这副天然的面具，总是把这同一张脸放到同一个手心里在镜前端详。只是有时候在晚上，当她们在宴会后夜归照镜子时，才会觉得这套面具已经用旧、肿胀、布满灰尘，已被所有的人看到过，几乎不能再戴了。” “不过，我在路上常问您，是否认为那个姑娘漂亮，可您不回答我，总把头转到另一边。您说说，您是不是有什么恶意？您为什么不安慰我？” 我把脚伸进月光影子里，殷勤地说：“您用不着安慰。您被人爱着。”说这话时，我用有蓝色葡萄花的手绢挡着嘴，怕我着凉。 这时，他把身子转向我，把那张胖乎乎的脸靠在长椅的低靠背上：“您知道，总的说来我还有时间，我总还可以用一件丢脸的事、不忠实的行为或去遥远的国度旅行的办法立即结束这场刚刚开始的恋爱。真的，我很怀疑是否应该卷进这场激情之中。这事一点都没把握，谁也不能确切地指出它向什么方向发展，会持续多长的时间。要到酒馆去有意地喝醉酒，我就会知道，今晚我定会喝醉，可我现在这种情况！我们打算一周以后和一家要好的朋友去郊游，在两周时间内，心灵的深处不会有激烈的争斗。今晚的亲吻使我陶醉得昏昏欲睡，得以在梦中心驰神往。我抵制住了这种诱惑，晚上出去散步，于是就出现了这种情况，我不停地动，我的脸像是被阵风吹过似的一会儿冷、一会儿热，我总得不停地摸口袋里的红色绸带，为我自己忧心忡忡，但又不去深究，甚至连您，我的先生，我都能够容忍，而在往常，我肯定不会和您谈这么长时间的话。” 我感到很冷，天已渐渐发白：“丢脸的事、不忠实，或到遥远的国家去旅行都无济于事。您只能自杀了。”我说，并且还微笑着。 在我们的对面，林荫道的那一头，有两棵矮树，树后的下面是市内。那里还有些许灯光。 “那好，”他大声叫道，并且还用他那握紧的小拳头朝长凳打，不过他立刻就停住了。 “您可活着。您不自杀。没有人爱着您。您什么目标都无需达到。您也不能掌握下一个时机。因此您才对我说了这番话，您这个小人。您不能去爱，除了害怕，什么都不能使您激动。您看看我的胸脯。” 他很快地解开他的外衣、背心和衬衫。他的胸脯的确很宽很美。 我说：“是的，有时会遇到这种不顺利的情况。比如今年夏天我到过一个村子，这个村子就在一条河边。我记得很清楚。我时常斜坐在岸边的一条长椅上。那儿也有一座海滨宾馆。时常可以听到拉提琴的声音。健壮的年轻人坐在花园的桌旁，边喝着啤酒边谈论着打猎和冒险的经历。对面的河岸也是一片这样云雾蒙蒙的群山。” 我稍稍撇着嘴，站起身来，走到长凳后面的草坪上，还踩断了几根剪修时掉下的树枝，然后对着朋友的耳朵说：“我订婚了，我承认。” 我的朋友对我站起身来并不感到惊奇：“您订婚了？”他真可以说瘫软在那儿，只靠长椅的靠背支撑着。然后他摘下帽子，于是我看见了他那圆脑袋上好闻的、梳理得整整齐齐的头发，它在脖子上形成了一条滚圆的弧线，这是今年冬天流行的样式。 我很高兴给了他这样一个聪明的回答。“是的，”我对自己说，“他在聚会时脖子转动灵活，手臂抬举自如。他能有说有笑地带着一位妇人从大厅的中间穿过，而且，无论房前下雨、还是那里站着一个腼腆胆小的人，或是出现了什么别的糟糕的情况，都不会使他感到不安。不，无论在什么情况下，在夫人们面前，他都会同样彬彬有理地鞠躬致意。可现在他就会这么干坐着。” 我的朋友用一块麻纱手绢擦着额头。“请，”他说，“请您把手在我的额头上放一放。我请求您。”我没有马上这样做，于是他合拢双手请求着。 好像我们的忧虑使一切都变得更暗淡了似的，我们坐在山上，如同坐在一间小小的屋子里，尽管我们刚才就看到了晨曦，感到了清风。虽然我们俩都不喜欢对方，我们却挨得很紧，我们不能够彼此离得太远，因为四周的墙却是客观的存在并且很坚固。但我们可以不顾人的尊严，做出可笑的举止，因为在头顶的树枝和对面的树木面前，我们不必害羞。 这时，我的朋友一下子从他的口袋拿出一把刀子，略有所思地打开了它，接着，就像演戏似的往他的左臂上戳，也不拔出来。血立刻流了出来。他那圆圆的脸煞白。我拔出刀子，剪破大衣和燕尾服的袖子，撕开衬衫袖子。然后往前往后各跑了短短一段路，看能不能找到给我帮忙的人。几乎所有的树枝都能看得一清二楚，它们一动不动。于是我就在深深的伤口处吸了一会。这时我想起了园丁的小屋。我跑上通向房屋左边那块稍高的草坪的楼梯，急匆匆地寻找窗户和门，生气地跺脚按铃，尽管我立刻就发觉这家没住人。后来我又去察看伤口，它汩汩地流着血。我把他的手绢在雪地里弄湿，笨手笨脚地把他的胳膊包扎起来。 “你呀亲爱的，亲爱的，”我说，“你为了我把自己弄伤了。你的处境很不错，周围都是友人，大白天时，要是有穿戴讲究的人散落在桌子之间或山丘路上，你可以去散步。记住，到了春天，我们将要去森林公园，不，不是我们要去，不过可惜这是真的，可是你会和小安娜笑着跳着去。是的，相信我，我请求你，阳光下，出现在所有人面前的你俩一定光彩照人，哦，那时会奏起音乐，依稀听得见远处的马蹄声，无需担心发愁，绿荫大道上到处是喊叫声和演奏手摇手风琴的声音。” “天啊，”他说，他站了起来，靠在我身上，我们走着，“没用。这并不能使我高兴。请原谅。已经很晚了吗？也许明天早上我该做点什么。啊上帝。” 上面，在紧靠墙的地方，点着一盏灯，把树干的阴影投射在路上和白色的雪地上，各式各样树枝的阴影则像折断了似的，弯弯地洒落在山坡上。