Chapter 6 lonely world

This is a true story of when I lived with a certain woman in Yokohama.However, she was not so free and easy at the time, and her lines have also been greatly revised.It's great that novels can be made up at will.The breakup scene of the popular four is almost like this.At that time, I had never written a novel, but maybe I was a writer in my bones.That night, I actually thought, since I encountered such a tragic thing, one day, I must regard it as the subject of writing.And, I don't think there's anything wrong with thinking that way at all.If I hadn't become a writer, I would have been crazy.My house in Yokohama is located on a hill ten minutes walk from JR Ishikawacho Station.During holidays, I often walk to the foreigner cemetery and Hill Park where you can see the harbour.Even now, when I see a novel set in Yokohama, I can't help but pick it up and read it.I have seriously considered that one day, I will rent a small apartment in Yokohama as my secret base.Of course, I will not tell anyone the address and phone number.The footsteps of pedestrians on the streets of Yokohama are slightly slower than those in Tokyo, and I still like it there until now.

Breakup negotiations kicked off at eleven o'clock in the evening. As soon as she got home, she looked me in the eye, told me she had something to say, and told me to sit at the dinner table. She didn't even take off the duffel coat on her body, and the scarf was wrapped around her neck twice, as if to protect herself from external aggression.I've showered, I've worn an old sweater over my pajamas, and my hair is damp. "I don't think we can live together anymore." She said with a pale face, her hands were neatly placed on her lap, and she was sitting upright as if she was taking a commemorative photo.I was too surprised to speak.

"I know you are a good person. You are very capable and smart at work, and you can cook, do laundry, and clean any housework better than me. Of all the people I know, you are the best tennis player." Best. The words I said when I first met you still haven't changed." We lived together for two years.She said this to me so suddenly that it took my breath away, as if someone had ripped out my guts.Not the head, but the body becomes empty. I struggled to make a sound. "I don't remember what you said to me." She smiled palely.I've never thought she was so beautiful like this moment.

"I said, you are outstanding. Not only what I just said, you are gentle, considerate and sensitive. You are enthusiastic about research and work, and your sex is the best." I looked at her, trying to say a joke, but her expression was serious. "Thank you, but you still decided to break up with the best person." She nodded with a smile, and there was a thin layer of tears in her eyes. "Yup." I've managed to get past the first stage of the shock and can finally ask the things I most want to know.My voice is a little hoarse. "why?" She shook her head slowly, her cheeks relaxed, trying to force a smile, she pressed the corners of her eyes, tears slid down her scarf like glass beads.The teardrop remained round for a moment, and was finally absorbed by the scarf as if melting.

"Even though you lived with me, you were so lonely. I thought, one day, I would break down that wall and take you out. I'm not stupid, and besides, I love you very much. So, I believe, one day, it will be possible Took you out into the world, but I'm just realizing now that I was so self-righteous." I couldn't understand what she was talking about. When I was in the company, I was better at work than others, and I got along well with my friends. Although I was a little troubled recently and went home late every day, my life with her was very happy.All in all, life is fine for the two of us.I even vaguely think that as long as we continue to live like this, we will get married sooner or later.She read my expression and said:

"You don't work to get promoted and get rich. You just want to be alone, so you have no choice but to work. Although you didn't put yourself into it seriously, you still easily obtained results above the standard. Therefore, once you reach the level where everyone is convinced, after that Just don't want to do anything. Work doesn't matter at all to you." She was right, work has never been important to me.Whether it's multiple important meetings or presentations, I'm comfortable with them because they don't mean much to me.I remained silent. "It's not just about work. You are gentle and considerate to others because you want to keep a distance from them. When they are close to you, you become extra sensitive. You are naturally dexterous, and you can be very social, It's also okay to act like a cold smart guy. Not only at work, but also when you're with your friends..."

She paused and took a deep breath.Her voice was very soft, as if whispering. "... love is the same. After I discussed it with my female friends, everyone opposed my decision, thinking that I didn't need to break up with you at all. It would be a pity to give up on you. However, I have been watching you take advantage of this natural dexterity, Build a high wall around yourself. In the past two years, we have had many good times, we have traveled, exchanged gifts. My family has a special impression of you. However, I can't bear it anymore. Even though we Holding hands is like walking alone; even if you hug each other late at night, you are still alone. I am not strong enough to accompany you all the time. From now on, I want to live with someone who really needs me .”

Her tears were no less than her words.Tears are very contagious, and I also started crying unconsciously. The reason why I was speechless was because her words pierced straight into my chest.Words that speak the truth always have terrible power.She was crying and smiling. "However, I believe that I will never hate you. Even if I am in contact with others, I can't help but compare with you. Maybe when I live with other people, I deeply feel that I have made a regrettable decision. Yes Isn't it ridiculous?" She burst into tears.I cried with her and nodded.Because she is sincere.Once she has made a decision, no one can stop her, no one can shake her will to break up.I can't change my lifestyle either.After nearly thirty years, a compromise was finally reached with the world.The world is not a comfortable place for me.

"However, I'm sorry." She looked up at me. "What are you sorry about?" "I thought we could be together forever. Someday, when I was successful in some way, I thought you would be there for me and happy for me. And, I hope someday, I can marry you and start a family .” Weeping in her overcoat, she reached into the middle of the table and I held her cold fingertips.She looked me in the eyes and said: "I also used to hope that one day I could be your bride. But I knew a long time ago that this is impossible. I believe that one day, you will succeed in a way I didn't expect. Because you are originally a person with Different people, you don't want things that others take for granted, even if others give you the best things, you will say that I don't want them all, and then throw them away. Except for the things you really want, you Don't want anything, that's who you are."

At this time, the corners of her mouth rose slightly. "But it's not me that you want. May I ask you one last question? Do you really like me?" I think that there are questions that should never be asked even with close people.I couldn't answer right away, she held my hand and waited patiently. "I like you, but maybe not the way you want. I don't know how to like someone the same way you do, though." She laughed. "Don't force it. When I was with you, I never felt that you loved me. However, I love you very much, so I don't regret it."

"But you still have to break up with me." "Yes, after breaking up with you, I will regret it." I stood up from the chair and hugged her sitting tightly from behind. Although we still have to go to work the next day, we chatted about the past that night, and the meetings continued to flow until four o'clock in the morning.Once the decision to break up is made, nothing surprising is restored to its former glory.The next morning, I took her to the station, then called the company, asked for a vacation, and then, crying and laughing, walked the streets of Yokohama in winter all day. So far, nearly fifteen years have passed. I wrote this short story, confirming the end of my youth. I started writing novels out of nowhere. My books appeared in bookstores out of nowhere. I hope that writing is not another building I built. A wall, as for what is going on, I actually don't know very well. After she broke up with me, she married another man and got divorced.We are still good friends. She said that she will probably remarry her childhood sweetheart. I hope she can be happy.Because she deserves it.