Chapter 5 5. Make good friends

There is a Western proverb: "No one is an island." Communication and communication between people are indispensable, and all kinds of friends will play an important role in each stage of a person's life.In ancient China, monarch and subject, father and son, husband and wife, brothers, and friends were the "Five Ethics", and friends were also an important one among them.Confucius said: "It's such a pleasure to have friends come from afar!" Greetings in letters, but in my heart I clearly know that the other party is always blessing me.If there is an opportunity to meet again, there will naturally be a sense of gratification for a lifetime.

Communication between friends is a process of forming karma, the so-called "widely forming good karma".This "fate" can be because we are classmates, fellow countrymen, colleagues, or comrades - have the same interest in life, or even travel together - and go out to play together, resulting in friendship.After getting married, we must cherish the fate and cherish the affection between the two of them.Because usually when we make friends, we only start to miss them after we are separated. When I think about what kind of friends we had when we were studying, and how happy we get along with each other, but we didn’t cherish them very well at that time. Now it’s not easy to meet again. .However, in addition to cherishing fate, we must also follow fate.Things in life come together because of fate, and disperse because of fate, and everything goes with the flow.For example, everyone is about to graduate, so let’s graduate. You can’t say that the relationship between our classmates is particularly good, and everyone will study together for another year. This is impossible.

No matter what the fate is, between people, there is no saying who must be friends with whom, and who must not be friends with whom.Generally speaking, making friends is divided into four levels. The lowest level is called "friends of wine and meat", where everyone eats, drinks, and enjoys together; the upper level is called "friends of interests" and does business and cooperates together. , separation means two evils; further up, it is called "the friendship of morality and righteousness", "Tao" represents the direction of life, and "righteousness" represents legitimacy, that is, every legitimate choice I make is the same as what you choose or think , For example, the Chinese people talk about the "Taoyuan three friendships", Liu Bei, Guan Gong, and Zhang Fei are friends of morality; the highest level is called "friends of life and death", generally called bosom friends.British writer Henry Adams (Henry Adams) said: "It is rare to make one friend in a person's life; it is very lucky to make two friends; as for making three friends, it is impossible at all." Defined at the level of "confidant", this passage does reflect life experience.Didn't the ancients of our country also say that "if you have a confidant in life, you can die without regret"?It can be seen that confidants are exchanged with life, which is the highest state of making friends.

No matter what kind of friends you make, the principle of making friends is the same, four words: treat each other with sincerity.In fact, "sincerity" is not only for friends, but also for everyone.There is a saying in the West, "You expose your personality to your friends." In front of friends, my personality does not wear clothes, disguise, or make-up. Let friends know what kind of personality I am; on the contrary, if If you can't get along with friends with sincerity, you are just pretending to be false and wasting your life. The Master said: "Smart words, attractive looks, and full respect, Zuo Qiu is ashamed of him, and Qiu is also ashamed of him. Hiding resentment and making friends with others, Zuo Qiu is ashamed of him, and Qiu is also ashamed of him." ("The Analects of Confucius Gongye Chang ")

Confucius said: "The speech is beautiful, the expression is flattering and warm, and the attitude is extremely obedient; Zuo Qiuming thinks such behavior is shameful, and I think it is shameful. I hate a person in my heart, but continue to communicate with him on the surface; Zuo Qiuming thinks this It's a shameful act, and I think it's shameful." Zuo Qiuming was the official historian of the Lu State, and Sima Qian called him "the gentleman of Lu".Zuo Qiuming believes that if a person is warm and friendly to his friends on the surface, but harbors resentment towards his friends in his heart, such behavior is shameful.Misunderstanding or resentment is unavoidable when making friends. For example, hearing others say that you criticize me behind my back will cause misunderstanding; There will be resentment.If you have a pimple in your heart, but hide it, pretend to be indifferent on the surface, and continue to be friends with him, Confucius thinks this is not good, and it lacks sincerity.You said that if I am sincere and I express my opinion directly, the misunderstanding may be more serious, and what should I do if the two of them even fall out?To be honest, a true friend must be able to "respect each other with sincerity". Many times, you don't know each other without telling the truth. How do you know that others will reject you?Maybe he is unwilling to accept it out of anger. After a while, he will find that you are also doing it for his own good, and he will be very grateful for your sincerity.

People change.People change, either because of the external environment, or because of the inner concept.The external environment also includes the advice of friends, so the ancients "use friends as a mirror" to remind themselves whether they are doing right.The change of inner concept is to read more books.Reading books can help a person understand the truth. After understanding the truth, one will know that personal emotions are one thing, but the principles of life are another.When we make friends, sometimes various external interferences make our friendship more complicated.For example, when friends do business together, in the end they may be able to share poverty, but not wealth; some friends feel that they have nothing to say to each other at first, but later encounter some difficulties in life, only to realize that "a friend in need is a friend in need", and friends in need are the best friends. true friend.

However, the advice to friends should also know when enough is enough.Zi Gong once asked Confucius how to make friends, and Confucius said a word, "Advice is good, if you can't do it, stop, don't shame yourself." ("The Analects of Confucius Yan Yuan") If a friend makes a mistake, you must sincerely advise And tactful persuasion, but if he doesn't listen, you have to stop, so as not to humiliate yourself.Why?Because friends are equal to each other, if the status is unequal and you come to teach me, then you will be my teacher, and the relationship between teacher and student will no longer be a friend relationship.Although friends have the obligation to advise each other, if the other party does not listen, after talking too much is useless, you'd better keep your mouth shut and don't force it.

In addition to sincerity, what principles should be based on making friends?According to Confucius, aspirations are very important.What are your interests?As far as ordinary leisure life is concerned, for example, today is a holiday, you want to climb mountains, I want to swim; you want to play chess, I want to play ball; it is difficult for two people with different hobbies to get together.Another example is that if a person's interest is in art, it may be very difficult to make friends with people who like science, so it is necessary to find friends with similar interests. Confucius said: "There are no friends who are not as good as yourself." ("The Analects of Confucius Zihan") Many people think that it means "don't make friends who are not as good as yourself".At first glance, this is a good suggestion. People go to high places, but water flows to low places. We should make more friends who are stronger than ourselves and improve our standards.But if you think about it carefully, here comes the question: If you don’t make friends who are not as good as you, but only find someone who is worse than you to be friends with, then should this person also refuse to make friends with you based on the same principle?He can also be "those who are not as good as themselves without friends".In this way, people all over the world have to compare each other before making friends, and it is inevitable that there will be differences between superiors and inferiors. The result is: no one or very few people can find friends.

This is of course not what Confucius meant. "Better" can be interpreted as "less than, not as good as", or "unlike, not similar".According to the latter, "one who has no friends is not as good as oneself" means: "Don't make friends who are not like yourself". "Not like myself" refers to parting ways with myself in terms of interests.For example, in terms of aspirations, some people want to serve the society, some people want to earn money; some people want to pursue knowledge, and some people want to play games in the world.In terms of hobbies, indoor chess, cards, drinking tea, reading, watching TV, outdoor mountain climbing, traveling, playing ball, jogging, socializing, etc., are also different for everyone, or they are similar, or small. Big difference.The so-called "difference in the way, do not conspire with each other", is derived from the difference in aspirations to the difference in life choices.If you rashly choose people with different interests to be your friends, not only will you get twice the result with half the effort, but you may even be estranged, or even turn against each other.Many enemies in the world have evolved from friends, can you be careless?Therefore, making friends depends on fate at the beginning, like fellow countrymen, classmates, colleagues, or even going out to play together, may become friends, but later development depends on whether the interests are similar.If you don't have similar interests, if you are reluctant to stay together, it may be difficult to maintain a long-term friendship.

In addition to being like-minded, when Confucianism talks about "making friends", it also needs to take into account "responsibility for kindness" and expect and demand each other with "goodness".Confucius said: "Friends are inseparable, brothers are Yiyi." ("The Analects of Confucius Zilu"). "Qieqiesisi" means to learn from and encourage each other, and "Yiyi" means to live in harmony.Because brothers and sisters have the same parents, they are destined relatives, no matter how different their personalities are, they must try to get along with each other in harmony.Friends are found by oneself, some are good friends, some may be bad friends;Then you have to ask, why do I make these friends?Confucius' answer is "Friends are always like friends". Making friends should not just waste time or play together, but should encourage each other at any time to move in the right direction of life.

Zeng Zi said: "A gentleman makes friends with literature, and helps benevolent people with friends." ("The Analects of Confucius Yan Yuan") Zeng Zi said: "A gentleman gathers with his friends to talk about literature and art, and then uses such friends to help him walk on the right path of life." The "gentleman" mentioned in the book has two meanings. One is a person with a political background and official position, such as the hereditary noble children in a feudal society; .Zeng Zi's words refer to the second type of people.What is the standard for a gentleman?There is a saying that "a gentleman establishes a constant ambition, while a villain always establishes his ambition". The villain often aspires, which means that his ambition is very short-lived and cannot be persisted; while a gentleman only has one ambition, and he will continue to improve from the beginning of reading, and finally become a personality perfect person.And the cultivation of personality is endless, and if you persist in doing it for a lifetime, you may not be able to reach the standard of perfect personality.Zeng Shen believes that making friends is directly helpful to becoming a gentleman, "a gentleman makes friends through writing", and "writing" includes various cultural and artistic activities, as well as various skills.For example, you make a friend who likes to play chess. You didn't like to play chess at first, but he took you to play chess, and gradually you also like to play chess; or you don't like to read, but your friend likes to read, Under his influence, you may also like to read books.That's why Zeng Zi said that friends must be able to talk about literature and art in order to have a common intersection, that is, a common language.The purpose of making such friends is to use them to "help benevolence". "Benevolence" refers to the right way of life, that is, "Tao", that is, friends should learn from and encourage each other, and support each other on the right way of life, so as to realize everyone's aspiration to be good. This is the bright way to make friends. However, the friends you make in life are actually worth cherishing due to limited opportunities and no longer karma.Many people have fantasies about friends, longing to meet ideal and like-minded friends; but they often ignore that friends are mutual, and what kind of friends we hope to have, friends also want us to be like this.If a person lacks self-knowledge and is not clear about his own interests, how can he expect others to be his like-minded friends? When dealing with friends, everyone knows that "keeping promises" is very important, but "righteousness" must also be considered while keeping promises. "Yi" stands for legitimacy, which is commonly referred to as morality.What is the relationship between faith and righteousness?Zi Gong once asked Confucius, what kind of conditions must he meet to be called a scholar? "Scholar" is a class in ancient times. After the doctor, it can also be used to refer to ordinary scholars.Confucius mentioned three kinds of people who meet the conditions of a scholar. The last one is: Be faithful in words and resolute in deeds.What a villain! ("The Analects of Confucius Zilu") Words must be trustworthy, and actions must have results. This kind of no-nonsense little person can be regarded as a first-class taxi again. Just looking at the literal meaning will surprise you. Is it wrong to speak and keep your word?Isn't it very responsible to do things with results?Why did Confucius criticize this as a small person?The problem lies in the word "righteousness".If you read Mencius' words together, you will know the profoundness of Confucianism.Mencius said: "A grown-up person does not need to believe his words, and does not need to act in a fruitful way. Only righteousness lies." ("Mencius Li Louxia") "Adult" represents a person with complete morality. Eligibility is called an adult.Mencius said that a person with complete morality does not necessarily honor what he says, and does not necessarily have results in doing things. Everything depends on the morality. "Righteousness" means "appropriate".What was suitable yesterday may not be suitable today; what is suitable for Zhang San may not be suitable for Li Si; it depends on the changing situation, cooperates with the appropriate situation, makes the right choice, and finds out the "should".Human affairs are always changing and developing. If you don't have the ability to adapt to changes, your words and deeds may be in trouble.For example, I bought a shotgun recently, and a friend I am very close to said that you can lend me the shotgun to go hunting next month.A good friend is of course no problem, I promise you.But within this month, my friend suffered from depression and had suicidal tendencies.When the time came, he came to me and said you promised to lend me the shotgun, lend it to me now, and fulfill your promise.What should I do at this time?If you must keep your word and lend him the gun, shouldn't I be responsible for what happened to him later? "I don't kill Boren, Boren will die by me."Keeping promises is what I have agreed with you to do in the future, but there is still a period of time between now and the future, and various unforeseen changes may occur. At that time, we must make a suitable decision based on the actual situation.It also mentions a man named Wei Sheng, who kept his word. He dated a girl and made an appointment to meet under the bridge. As a result, when the flood came, he held on to the pillars under the bridge and drowned.Why?He said that I agreed to meet you under the bridge, so I can't go on the bridge, but in fact, the girl was late because the wind and rain were too heavy, or her family objected. If we changed, of course we would go to the bridge, otherwise we would go home However, Wei Sheng kept his word and drowned in the end. We are not saying that things agreed with friends can be ignored, but that you have to consider the actual situation, and you can't just keep your promises for yourself, or you must not change them if you are afraid that others will say that you don't keep your promises, which will lead to Bad results, in this way it becomes dogmatism.Confucian wisdom is very dynamic and takes into account changing circumstances.Why does Confucius say that "words must be believed, actions must be resolute" is a small person, because he did not notice that life is full of changes, and it seems to be rigid, but in fact it may ignore "righteousness"."Easy" means change. In the midst of changes, you have to find the "unchanged" rules and make appropriate choices according to various situations. The unchanging principle is "I want to be sincere". A sincere heart interacts with people, and then it depends on the specific situation. Confucius once said that the difference between him and many great sages in ancient times is that the sages in ancient times had some special performances, and they might sacrifice their lives for it in the end, while Confucius believed that he was the five words "nothing is necessary", I don't have to be like that, and I don't have to be like that.After hearing this, some people think that this attitude may be a bit slippery.But don't forget that life is full of variables. When should you enter and when should you retreat; If you can do it, you can stop it; if you must emphasize "words must be believed, actions must be resolute", it seems to be very persevering, but in fact, it does not know how to adapt to changes and adapt to the times.Confucianism tells us that it is good to make friends and keep promises, but we must not forget to have flexible wisdom and firm principles. Confucius also had a student named Youzi.Youzi said: "Faith is closer to righteousness, and words can be repeated." ("The Analects of Confucius Xueer") The things you agree with others should be as moral as possible, and only words can be practiced.On the contrary, if the agreed thing is not legitimate, violates social etiquette or law, even if you say it, you can't practice it.So when we communicate with friends, don’t just say what I promise you, but we must consider whether this matter is close to morality, and only when we are close to morality can we practice it, otherwise even if we make an agreement, we will break our promise. Friends are like a person's mirror, reflecting his interests, hobbies, aspirations and tastes.But a friend is not just a mirror, he will further urge people to a better and fulfilling life.Confucius said that there are three kinds of friends that are beneficial: friends who are straightforward, friends who are understanding, and friends who are knowledgeable.Yi carry on. ("The Analects of Confucius Ji Shi") It is good to have friends with the upright, with the honest, with the well-informed. The first kind of friendship is straight, "straight" stands for sincerity and integrity, that is to say what is in your heart directly, so that you know what I think.Whether the friendship between friends is based on wine and meat, interests, or morality, this is the criterion for judging.If a friend is "straight", he sees that you have made a mistake or is about to make a mistake, he will tell you directly to remind you, he will not be embarrassed to say it, or find various excuses to cover for you.This kind of friend is like a mirror, through which you can see your own shortcomings.A man is less prone to make mistakes if he can find such a friend.But such friends can also bring pressure. In ancient times, there was a saying called "fear friends", a friend who makes people fear.When this kind of friend talks, you immediately feel pressured, but you must admit afterwards that what he said makes sense and is right.You should feel grateful to have such a friend. The second kind of friendship, "forgiveness" stands for honesty and understanding.This person counts, is trustworthy, and is more considerate of your mood, knows your grievances, and can comfort you at the right time.Zeng Zi said: "I reflect on myself three times a day. Are you not loyal when you seek others? Do you not trust your friends? Are you not used to passing on?" Zi Xia said: "When you make friends, you must keep your word." The Master said: "The old man Peace of mind, friends trust in it, young people cherish it." The word "faith" in these three paragraphs all points out that you must be honest when making friends.However, when it comes to integrity, it also involves the question of whether a person can persist in his ideals for a long time.For example, when you were poor in the early years, you had some ideals, but later you became rich and expensive, can you still stick to your ideals?The friends we made when we were young are often very simple, especially the classmates we met in school, but after entering the society, we don’t see each other for ten or twenty years. There are achievements, who gets what glory and wealth.What does this mean?It means that such friends cannot stick to their youthful ideals, and they may not meet the standards for honesty. As for understanding, it is inevitable that there is no fault in life. Are the faults committed from inadvertence, ignorance, or malice?Only malicious mistakes cannot be easily forgiven.Friends know me very well, so they can naturally distinguish these things and lend a strong helping hand when I need them.But understanding is two-sided, and you can't just ask others blindly.Being considerate also includes never asking others to do what you can do, because friends are not tools or means, but to help each other. The third kind of friend is more knowledgeable, "more knowledgeable" does not refer to the level of education, but refers to a strong interest in seeking knowledge.Friends are well-informed, can inspire our ideas and broaden our horizons.For example, friends always talk when they get together, but you can’t always talk about gossip that happens every day, or all kinds of road news, but talk about something more nutritious and can increase your knowledge. At this time, you need this kind of “learn more”. friend.Everyone's time and space are limited, and the mind is easy to be one-sided. For the richness of the family, the country and the world, we often know it but don't know why, or even never hear about it.At this time, if there is a friend who knows astronomy and geography, he can talk to you about these issues, including many strange things, and he can explain the truth, which will undoubtedly open a window for our lives. Help us break out of our own narrow pattern and appreciate everything with a more comprehensive perspective. The above three kinds of beneficial friends are based on the three requirements of people's will, emotion and cognition. "You Zhi" means that this friend adheres to principles all his life and is very firm in will. "Friendship" can be considerate and tolerant emotionally, and "Youduowen" can add a lot of important and interesting information to you.Any friend with one of these three is fine.You can't ask a friend to have all three. If you have all three, you will be a valuable confidant, but a confidant is hard to find.And when you ask for friends like this, you must first ask yourself whether you have these conditions, because when we choose friends, friends also choose us. Making good friends can increase the happiness in life.So when Confucius talked about "three joys for those who benefit", "pleasure for many virtuous friends" is also one of them.Which three pleasures are beneficial?The first "Music Festival Ritual Music" is to enjoy the adjustment of ritual music. "Li" stands for propriety, what kind of propriety is there when dealing with whom, what to say, what to do, all belong to the scope of propriety. "Music" is the emotional communication between everyone. What kind of movies do you like to watch and what kind of music do you listen to?Regulated by ritual and music, one is restriction and the other is communication, which can be retracted or released, showing lively vitality.The second is to "enjoy the goodness of Taoists", to take pleasure in praising others' merits and doing good deeds.This other person is often a friend we know. We often praise the advantages of friends behind our backs, which means that we are broad-minded, and getting along with friends will of course be easy.The third type of "Happy Many Good Friends" takes pleasure in making many good friends.In the encounters we meet by chance, we often find that many people are very kind and have a heart for each other.Often having this feeling will make us work harder to move in a positive direction in dealing with others.Besides, if a person can make many outstanding friends, it means that you are also excellent, otherwise why would they be wronged to associate with you?Therefore, making good friends is a great pleasure in life. There are "three friends who benefit" in front, and "three friends who lose" in the back.If we make friends carelessly, we will make bad friends. Confucius said that there are three kinds of bad friends that cannot be made: friendship is easy to avoid, friendship is gentle and friendly, and friendship is easy to be ruthless.It is damaged. ("The Analects of Confucius Ji Shi") It is harmful to be friends with the posers, the flatterers, and the eloquent ones. The first type of friendship is to be open, and "Bianpi" refers to posturing.People who like to put on airs are not only ambitious, but also attach great importance to appearance, and like to put on a facade and talk big.Why is this kind of friend harmful?Because when such a person associates with you, what he values ​​may be your family background?Do you have money at home?Are there various social resources?He probably considers these things when he chooses you as a friend, not because of your character, talent, or interest.So why would you want to befriend someone like that?To be honest, sometimes being with this kind of person seems to be able to gain some benefits, because he is very imposing, very face-saving, and good at putting on appearances.Talking about face is not necessarily a bad thing, but if it exceeds the limit and ends up being superficial, it is of course not good. The second kind of kindness and softness, "goodness and softness" refers to flattery, submissiveness, deliberate flattery, and lack of integrity.This kind of person is good at observing other people's faces, and after observing their words and expressions, they choose what to say and how to speak, and deliberately please you.The Master said: "Smart words and beautiful looks are rare and benevolent." ("The Analects of Confucius Xueer") People who speak beautifully and have a flattering and warm expression are seldom sincere.Some people say, who doesn't like to hear good words?It sounds quite comfortable to have someone flattering and complimenting you.But don't forget that if you continue like this, you won't be able to improve yourself, because if you make any mistakes, he will help you find excuses and reasons instead of directly telling you your problems and reminding you to correct them.Mencius hated such a person as a minister.When the monarch made a mistake, he not only did not say that the monarch was wrong, but instead found reasons for the monarch.Mencius said that if a ruler does something bad, you can forgive him if you help him do it together; if a ruler does something bad, if you help him make excuses and say that what he did is not bad, then it is unforgivable. The third kind of friend is a sycophant, "a sycophant" is eloquent, exaggerated, and unwilling to seek knowledge seriously.It sounds very learned, but in fact it is just hearsay, with ears instead of eyes, and no real insight.This kind of person is exactly the opposite of "Youduowen".Others are really knowledgeable and well-informed, but you are here with your rhetoric, as if you can tell the truth about everything, but without a real foundation, you will not try to find the truth about anything, Such a person is not a good friend. Confucius said that these three kinds of friends are harmful because they are not helpful to your life.How can it be helpful?Can urge you to constantly reflect and improve yourself.Confucius had a friend named Yun Boyu, a doctor in the state of Wei.Qu Boyu sent an envoy to the state of Lu to visit Confucius. Confucius sat down with him and asked Yan, saying: "What is the master?" He said to him: "The master wants to avoid his mistakes but fails." The emissary came out.The Master said: "Make it! Make it!" ("The Analects of Confucius Xianwen") Confucius asked him (the envoy) to sit down and talk, and said: "What has Mr. Qu done recently?" He replied, "Mr. Qu wants to reduce his faults but has not done so." After the envoy left, Confucius said: "Okay A Messenger! A Good Messenger!" This is a real good friend, always encouraging each other to improve their mistakes.If you make friends who just make excuses for your mistakes, or flatter you in another way, saying you're good or bad, you'll never get the chance to make things better.The Master said: "Living in groups all day long, talking out of righteousness, trying to do little wisdom, is difficult!" In "The Analects of Confucius Wei Linggong", a large group of people gather together all day long and gossip to pass the time, none of which is meaningful, and Like to show cleverness, it is difficult for such a person to have any hope.Or "It's hard to eat all day long and have nothing to do! Is there no gamer? It's a virtuous one." ("The Analects of Confucius·Yanghuo") It's better to eat all day and have nothing to do, and have no mind to learn anything. Going to play chess.Such friends should also be kept away. Contrary to the "three joys of the beneficial", Confucius also mentioned the "three joys of the loser", that is, there are three kinds of happiness that are harmful.The first is "joy and joy", taking pleasure in being proud and complacent.When some of our achievements are higher than others, we develop arrogance, believing that we are superior and superior to others.But the joy that pride brings must cause envy in others.Pride is a manifestation of self-centeredness, and it is easy to deny the ability of others.The second "leiyouyou" is to indulge in wandering and do nothing for pleasure.Playing is not a bad thing, but taking pleasure in it becomes self-indulgent, a craving for pleasure, and a neglect of proper relationships with others.The third is "pleasure and feasting", which is to enjoy eating, drinking and gathering together.When friends get together, they only care about eating, drinking, having fun, and flattering each other. A small feast every three days and a big feast every five days are of course harmful.why?Because this kind of happiness only takes care of people's physiological and superficial needs, it can only make people temporarily forget their troubles. On the surface, they are proud and complacent, wandering and playing every day, eating and drinking, but this kind of happiness will soon be repeated. Boring, when the stimulus diminishes, the marginal benefits will become less and less attractive. Many things in life are done with friends.When you get along with bad friends, although many things will make you feel very happy, but it will not help you improve your soul, it will only make you indulge in very specific, low-level, material desires, and gain something. A very narrow, short-lived complacency and happiness.The really important thing in life is to be able to continuously improve on the spiritual level, constantly self-reflection and self-cultivation, so that life can embark on the right direction and move towards a broader space.A friend who is helpful to you in this respect is your true friend. The premise of the three friends of the beneficiary and the three friends of the loser is: these six kinds are all friends, the difference is that the first three make you benefit, and the latter three make you suffer.Confucius also has a way of dividing friends into Bank of China, crazy people, and prostitutes. This is his own principle of making friends. The Master said: "If you can't go in the middle and give it to you, you must be crazy! The crazy ones make progress, and the crazy ones don't do something." ("The Analects of Confucius·Zilu") Confucius said: "If you can't find people with moderate behavior to associate with, you must find people with lofty aspirations or self-discipline. People with high aspirations strive to make progress, and people who are clean and self-disciplined will not do anything." The first type of "BoC", that is, the golden mean that we are more familiar with, behaves moderately and advances and retreats with restraint.Some people misunderstand the doctrine of the mean as doing things slowly and taking the middle route.This is not the case. The real "BOC" does what it should, and words and deeds can be just right at any time, which cannot be achieved without a high degree of self-cultivation.It is of course ideal to be able to find such a friend. If not, who should I turn to?The madman or the prodigal. Let’s talk about the prodigy first.I have been teaching for so many years, and one thing I often say is that I hope that students will be prostitutes first.What is a prostitute?Do nothing.The basic performance of a person's education is to do something. If he doesn't do some illegal or substandard things, it's not that he doesn't know how to do it or dare not do it, but he doesn't bother to do it.For example, I often advise students to disdain such things as cheating on exams.If you can persist in this point, you may not bother to do many illegal and disciplined things when you enter the society in the future. If a hooligan can do it, he might as well be a madman again. "The madman is enterprising", constantly striving, striving upwards, and doing something.When Mencius mentioned madmen, he often used Zeng Shen's father, Zeng Dian, as an example.Because Zeng Dian often talks about "the ancients, the ancients", the ancients are so good, the ancients are so good, it seems that the ancients are always more noble and great, and they are worth learning.He has such lofty aspirations, demands himself from the ancient sages, keeps learning, and is aggressive, so Mencius classified him as a madman. Hun and Kuang, one does not do something, the other does something; one is negative and the other is positive.Don't do bad things first, things that are not of low standard, and then do things that should be done, things with higher standards.The combination of the two, when you are crazy, you will be crazy, and when you are crazy, you will be crazy, that is "the Bank of China". Therefore, Mencius praised Confucius, saying that he is "the one who is holy at the time", and "time" is the Bank of China, which means that Confucius' performance is always Appropriate. Confucius made friends, in addition to considering whether the other party is a middle-of-the-road, madman, or prodigal, he also depends on whether he can learn from each other, be suitable for the way, establish and have power. The Master said: "You can learn from each other, but you can't be with the right way; you can be with the right way, but you can't be with you; you can be with the establishment, but you can't be with the power." ("The Analects of Confucius Zihan") Confucius said: "Those who can study together may not necessarily be able to walk on the right path of life together; those who can walk on the right path of life together may not necessarily be able to stand in the world together; those who can stand in the world together may not necessarily be able to weigh right and wrong together." Confucius divides making friends into four levels: common learning, proper way, establishment, and power. "Learning together" refers to studying together under the teacher's door.For example, we all live in the same community, go to the same school, and have the same teachers.These friends belong to the level of "co-learning".But after graduation, leaving school and going their separate ways, everyone's development path is different.So the next step is to look at the "appropriate way", that is, like-minded, on the right path of life. "Tao" is not limited to a certain occupation or industry, because colleagues are not necessarily comrades, and true comrades speak for values ​​and lifestyles.Some friends can walk on the right path of life together, but they may not be able to stand up together and stand firm. This is the level of "standing".There will be various tests in life, and it is not easy to stick to principles.Confucius said: "A gentleman is always poor, but a villain is too poor." A gentleman can stick to his principles when he is poor, and a villain can do anything wrong when he is in poverty.Because of the differences in life experiences and the different efforts that people have made, there will also be gaps in the realms they have achieved in terms of standing in the world.Many friends are clearly working in the same direction, but after a few years, there are successes and failures. There is also a kind of friend who can be "appropriate to the Tao" or "based on the Tao" together, but they may not be able to weigh and discuss together.For example, what kind of subject to study, what kind of business to do, and how to choose when encountering important choices are all "rights".To make friends alone, it is the most difficult to make friends who can discuss with each other.In many cases, major life decisions can only be made by one person behind closed doors, thinking for oneself.但一个人往往没有办法想得周全，这时候如果有朋友了解你的个性，理解你的志趣，能够旁观者清，给出明智的建议，对你的帮助是很大的。所以，能够与“权”，在孔子看来是交友的最高目标，与朋友能够一起权衡人生的各种选择，做出判断，这样的人自然不易得。 孔子交到朋友，怎样跟朋友相处呢？里有几句话可以参考。一、“朋友之馈，虽车马，非祭肉，不拜。”（《论语·乡党》）朋友送礼物给孔子，就算是车跟马，只要不是家里祭祀祖先用过的祭肉，孔子不会作揖拜谢。古代的车马是很贵重的礼物，等于现在的轿车一样。马可以当作财产，齐景公过世时就留下四千匹马。有人看到孔子家里比较穷，送辆马车给他，但孔子只是说声谢谢，拿来就用，为什么？朋友有通财之谊嘛，既然大家是朋友，你有钱，送辆车给我，我拿来就开，有什么关系？反正钱是身外之物，朋友的交情更重要。你这次送孔子马车，孔子下次说不定送你一些他学习的心得，这叫做朋友之间互惠互利，互通有无，千万不能只用物质来衡量。但是如果你送给孔子的礼物是祭拜祖先时用的祭肉，孔子就会作揖拜谢了，为什么？因为你祭拜祖先时想到孔子，表示你把他当作家族的朋友，这对孔子来说意义非凡，代表一种精神的价值，所以这时候他会非常慎重地向你作揖拜谢。由此可见，孔子跟朋友相处，对于精神价值的看重远远超过物质。在孔子的学生中，子路学到了这一点。子路对朋友特别豪爽。他的志向是“愿车马衣裘，与朋友共敝之而无憾”（《论语·公冶长》）。他的车、他的马、他的衣服棉袍，跟朋友一起用，用坏了都没有遗憾，这可不简单，只有把朋友的情意看得比身外之物更重要，才能有这样一种作为。 二、朋友死，无所归，曰：“于我殡。”（《论语·乡党》）朋友不幸过世了，没有人料理后事，孔子站出来说，我来负责。What's the meaning?朋友过世没有人管，代表他可能家道中落，也可能子孙不孝，孔子在此时挺身而出，不是锦上添花，而是雪中送炭，非常够意思。我们常说，一死一生，乃见交情。能交到孔子这样的朋友，实在是一件很幸运的事。 三、问人于他邦，再拜而送之。 （《论语·乡党》）孔子托人向远方的朋友问候送礼时，对所托之人两次作揖才辞别。Explain what?孔子很看重朋友之间的情谊，两次作揖，重其所托，托人到远方给朋友传达讯息。他的好朋友蘧伯玉跟他通的讯息是，我想减少我的过失却还没有办法做到。我们可以想一想，这是什么样的朋友啊！是大家一起努力，朝着人生理想的方向前进，希望彼此的交往可以帮助对方完善人格，成为君子。这样的朋友是多么难得！ 人生活在这个世界上，很多东西不由我们选择。譬如我们无法选择自己的父母，无法选择出生的时间、地点，无法选择种族、国家和文化传统，也无法选择自身的成长经验。但是交朋友这件事，在机缘成熟的情况下，我们是可以选择的，可以化被动为主动。孔子的选择使我们知道，朋友之间相处不要问贫穷富有，也不要管地位高低，而要看彼此间是否真正的友直、友谅、友多闻。我们无法和所有的人做朋友，所以朋友宁少而不求多。而且，我们在选择朋友之前，也要先问问自己，我是不是做到了我选择别人的标准？是不是重视朋友之间的情谊远远超过物质利益？如此，你才可能找到一个真正的知己。而人生能有知己，乃是一件最愉快的事。