Chapter 4 4. Honor your parents

When it comes to filial piety, many people think that it is the patent of Confucianism.In fact, Taoism also emphasizes "filial piety".Zhuangzi said: "A child's love for relatives is fate, and it cannot be understood in the heart." ("Zhuangzi·Human World") Children love their parents, this is predestined, and it cannot be undone in your heart; Wisdom, I have a different outlook on life, you will still love your parents.why?The reason is very simple, because if the parents are not happy, the children will be worried. This is natural. Confucius said: "You must not know the age of your parents. One is for joy and the other for fear." ("The Analects of Confucius Liren") Children must remember the age of their parents; Happy, but also worried about their aging.This sentence is very moving.Because according to Sima Qian, Confucius' father passed away at the age of three and his mother passed away at the age of seventeen. He never had the opportunity to feel the feelings of his parents as children when they were old, but he said such words that are so close to the hearts of children, which shows his extraordinary empathy. Ability and in-depth observation of life phenomena.Human life is always limited. Seeing parents getting older, children will become more and more worried. This is human nature.

Mencius used Shun as an example, "There is no one who is pleasing to people, lustful, rich and honorable enough to relieve worries: only being obedient to one's parents can relieve worries." Marrying his two daughters to him, he himself is rich and noble, but still unhappy; only when his parents are happy can Shun relieve his worries.Why?Because he always feels that his parents are not happy because he is not filial enough. He must make his parents happy so that he will not worry.Mencius praised Shun as the greatest example of filial piety, "A filial piety admires his parents all his life. Those who admire him at fifty will be seen by Shun." Shun still yearns for his parents at the age of fifty. It is no wonder that a person can be so true to his roots. become a saint.It also reminds us that true filial piety knows no age.No matter how old a person is, don't forget how he got along with his parents when he was a child.At that time, we depended on our parents to take care of us for eating, drinking and drinking. How close is our relationship with our parents.I often advise some young friends to look through the photos of their childhood when they have time to see what they were like when they were young and what their parents were like.When I was young, most of my photos were taken with my parents. You can see how young and healthy my parents were at that time. Now, they are getting old and maybe sick.If you look at these photos more, you will make your life coherent, and you will not forget yesterday when you have today.A person must grasp the overall meaning of life in order to realize some fundamental principles of life.

Why does Confucianism spend so much time talking about "filial piety"?Because filial piety comes from human nature and is the most basic virtue for a person to conduct himself in the world.As long as people are filial, they should be filial and willing to be filial.In ancient times, there was the so-called "Five Ethics", which is the "Five Ways" mentioned in "The Doctrine of the Mean": monarch and ministers, father and son, husband and wife, brother and sister, and friends.Three of them: father and son, husband and wife, and brother and sister all belong to the family.Family is the context of a person. Without this context, a person cannot locate and define himself, and does not know where he is and why he is in this world.The relationship between parents and children is the foundation of the family. If the father and son cannot achieve "filial piety", the relationship between husband and wife and brother and sister will not be easy to get along well.Push the three relationships of the family to the outside to have the communication between friends; and push it further to the society to have the relationship between the monarch and the ministers (in today's society, the so-called monarch and ministers refer to the relationship between the old and the employees or the chief and the subordinates. relationship between).No matter what kind of relationship, family is the only way for everyone to grow up and the foundation of all life relationships.A person must start from the family, go to the society, the country, and work hard for the people of the world, leaving achievements and reputations in history.You say that you want to serve the country and want to have a good reputation in history, but if you are not filial to your parents at home, everything else is empty talk.Once someone persuaded Confucius to become an official. Confucius said: The book says: "Filial piety is the only thing that is filial piety. It is friendship with brothers and good government." ("The Analects of Confucius")

The "Book of Books" says: "The most important thing is to be filial to your parents and love your brothers, and then extend it to politics." This is participation in politics. Otherwise, how can it be considered as participation in politics? To live in the world, people need circles of life, which spread from the inside to the outside, from the core to the surroundings, and the core of the circle is naturally the family.The family is a small unit of society. The family is harmonious and happy, the father is kind and the son is filial, and the brothers and friends are respectful, which is the most enviable.If the family can achieve this step, and then promote it to the society, the social atmosphere will gradually improve, and politics will naturally be on track.Therefore, being filial to parents in the family is equivalent to being in politics, and can develop a lot of influence.

So how do children get along with their parents to be considered filial piety?In fact, not only filial piety, but also the following three points must be considered in order to meet the requirements of "goodness" in getting along with others: First, the inner feelings must be sincere.You must always ask yourself, do I really want my parents to be happy, do I sincerely wish to be filial to my parents from within?In other words, filial piety must come from within, if there is no inner emotion, only the external form, everything is hypocritical.A human being is a creature that expresses both the inside and the outside; if the inside and the outside cannot cooperate, it is easy to have a split personality.Second, the other party expects to communicate.If your parents have any requirements or expectations for you, you should communicate with them, understand their needs, and then try to respond, try your best.Like when we read "Stories of Twenty-Four Filial Pieties" when we were young, we saw Wang Xiang "lying on ice begging for carp" and Wu Meng "undressing to fill mosquitoes". They are very filial, but do you still need to do this now?If you really do this, will your parents say you are filial?They will think that you have broken your mind by reading.Third, abide by social norms.If my parents ask me to do something, if it violates social norms, should I do it?For example, if my parents are sick and I want to find a way to get money for their treatment, what should I do?What if it is illegal?In any case, you must not violate social norms, otherwise, even if you are filial, you will be punished by law in the future.

Inner feelings must be sincere, the other party’s expectations must be communicated, and social norms must be abided by; these three points must be considered in any interpersonal relationship, including father and son.What should I do if there is a conflict between the three parties?Focus on sincerity.We say filial piety is important because it stems from the most natural emotion of human nature.Each of us is born of our parents, and each of us owes our parents affection. We usually don’t realize its importance until we become parents.Therefore, when talking about filial piety, it is not to suggest a dogma, but to point out a path that is most suitable for the development of human nature.

No one will object to filial piety, but what is filial piety?this is a big problem.There is a story that the father-in-law was getting old, his hands trembled when eating, and he often broke the bowl. In order to save money, the daughter-in-law bought a wooden bowl for the father-in-law to use.One day when the daughter-in-law came home from get off work, she saw her son sitting on the threshold, carving wood with a knife.The daughter-in-law asked, what are you doing, son?The son said, I am carving two wooden bowls, one for my father and one for my mother in the future.The daughter-in-law was shocked when she heard this, knowing that she had set a bad example by giving her father-in-law a wooden bowl that could not be broken, but in fact she was disrespectful to her father-in-law. She only considered the loss of money, but not his dignity.Therefore, filial piety is not enough to only meet the needs of parents, but also to have a heart of respect and take care of the dignity of parents.

Ziyou asked about filial piety.The Master said: "Today's filial piety means being able to raise them. As for dogs and horses, they can both be raised. Disrespect, why is it different?" ("The Analects of Confucius") Ziyou asked what filial piety is.Confucius said: "The so-called filial piety today refers to being able to serve parents. Even dogs and horses can serve people. If there is no respect, how can we distinguish between the two?" "Can support" includes the care and service of food and daily life.Some people interpret "as for dogs and horses, they can be raised" as: If we only support our parents without respecting them, it is tantamount to raising our parents as dogs and horses.This translation is wrong.In ancient society, dogs guarded the door for people, and horses pulled carts for people. Both animals could serve humans.Up to now we still often say, you are so kind to me, in the future I will do "the work of a dog and a horse".Confucius used the analogy of dogs and horses here, saying that if children serve their parents just like dogs and horses serve others, only to complete tasks without respect, what is the difference between them and dogs and horses?For example, after we get married and start a business, we send living expenses on time every month, but we don't necessarily respect our parents in our hearts.We think that our parents may not study much and have low social achievements, but we don’t think that our parents’ kindness to us is like heaven and earth. It is because of them that we can be born, grow up, and live in this world, so we must respect our parents throughout our lives.

Zixia, another student of Confucius, once asked what is filial piety?Confucius taught students in accordance with their aptitude and gave another answer. Zixia asked about filial piety.The Master said: "Sex is difficult. If there is something to do, the disciple will do his work; if there is food and wine, the husband will eat it; did you ever think of filial piety?" ("The Analects of Confucius") Zixia asked what filial piety is.Confucius said: "It is the most difficult thing for children to keep a happy face. When there is something to do, the young people will do it for you; when there are wine, food and food, let the old people eat and drink. Is this considered filial piety?"

Confucius believed that filial piety stems from children's love for their parents, and this kind of love is naturally manifested in a pleasant expression and complexion.This is indeed far more difficult than doing things for parents and asking parents to eat.For example, when our parents are old and need our care when they are sick, our parents will take care of us.If you look bad and make your parents feel like they are bothering you, then even if you have fulfilled your parents' requirements, it is not considered filial piety.At this time, you have to think about how we were sick when we were young, and how our parents took care of us without sleep and clothes, and never complained.Now that our parents are getting older and need us to take care of them, how can we bear to show embarrassment to them?

There is a man named Lao Laizi in the Twenty-Four Filial Piety, who lived to be in his seventies, and his parents are still alive.In order to make his parents happy, he often wears colorful clothes, like a kindergarten kid, singing and dancing for his parents to see, and sometimes he pretends to wrestle and cry like a baby to make his parents happy, because in the eyes of his parents, no matter how old a child is , will always be a child.Of course we don’t need to be so exaggerated, but when we are filial to our parents, in addition to doing things for them so that they don’t worry about life, we must also pay attention to whether our face is very pleasant, so that my parents feel that my filial piety is voluntary. Said: "Mourning for my parents, who gave birth to me. Mourning for my parents, who gave birth to me. No father, no mother, no mother. Father gave birth to me, and mother gave birth to me. He raised me, raised me, raised me. The virtue of desire to repay, Haotian Wangji." My parents gave birth to me and raised me, it was too hard.Who can rely on without a father?Without a mother, who can I rely on?I feel sad when I go out, and I can't see my parents when I go home.My parents gave birth to me, embraced me, took care of me, and raised me. There is really nothing to say about their kindness to us.When our parents are old, how can we feel at ease if we cannot honor and respect them?Moreover, when we are in our prime, we should also think that we will be taken care of by children when we are old. At that time, if our children treat us disrespectfully, how will we feel in our hearts? Therefore, it is not enough for a person to be filial, one must also know why and how to be filial.It’s not enough for you to meet your parents’ needs in life, you must also respect and understand your parents from the bottom of your heart; see if your parents are happy, and think about how you can make them happy.Confucianism is not a blind dogma, nor is it a unilateral authority requirement, but it hopes that we can fulfill the requirement of filial piety through rational thinking and starting from the sincere emotions in our hearts. Many people have heard the phrase "there are no wrong parents in the world".These words were neither spoken by Confucius nor Mencius, but were summed up by scholars after the Song Dynasty, emphasizing that all parents in the world care about their children, and hope that all people in the world will be filial to their parents.However, looking at this sentence today, it is easy to misunderstand.All parents in the world are good, is it possible?Impossible, the reason is very simple, "People are not sages, who can be without fault?" Parents are also human, and everyone makes mistakes, and parents also make mistakes, sometimes because of cognitive errors, sometimes due to biased judgment, and sometimes even deliberate evil. .What should children do when their parents make mistakes?What parents say and what children do, is that filial piety?This is not what Confucianism means. The Master said: "Admonitions from parents a few times, disobedience to one's will, respect without disobedience, labor without complaint." ("The Analects of Confucius Liren") Confucius said: "When serving your parents, if you find that your parents have made mistakes, you should tactfully dissuade them; when you see that your wishes are not accepted, you should still respectfully do not offend them, and feel sad but do not complain." Confucius made it very clear that parents can do wrong things too.Some parents may do jobs that are not allowed in society, but they also raise their children with great care.After the child is educated, enlightened, and knows what is good and evil, right and wrong, he may want to persuade his parents at this time.Because the state has state laws, and the family has family rules, if a person does not walk on the right path, there will be problems in the end.But your way of persuading parents must be tactful, not harsh words, like a teacher teaching a student, otherwise the parents will not accept it, and instead will feel that the child is disobedient and unfilial.If it doesn't work, Confucius said that children should still abide by the principle of "no violation and no complaint", respect them very much, don't violate them, try to do what should be done, don't complain, and avoid hurting family ties. Mencius said: "If the relatives are too big and don't resent, it will be more sparse; if the relatives are too small and resentment, it is impossible to lose. The more sparse, it is not filial; it is not filial if you can't lose." ("Mencius Gaozi 2 》) Parents make major mistakes, if the children do not complain or dissuade them, it means that the relationship will become more distant, which is unfilial for the children;why?Because if your parents make a big mistake, if you don’t dissuade them and let them continue to make mistakes, maybe they will eventually make a big mistake and become a person who endangers the society. At that time, it will be too late to regret; You don’t need to persuade anyone, who has no small mistakes, and small mistakes should be persuaded, the family becomes like a school, the child becomes a teacher, and the parents are trembling all day long, for fear of making any mistakes that will affect the harmony of the parent-child relationship; On the contrary, if the child makes a small mistake and the parents treat it as severely as the teacher, home will not feel like home. Mencius gave an example, saying that there is a person here, if a Yue people (foreigner or enemy) shoots him with a bow and arrow, he can talk and laugh about it, because his relationship with the Yue people is very estranged.But if his brother had shot him with a bow and arrow, he would have wailed about it.Why?Because my elder brother is a relative, and my relatives treat me badly, which naturally makes me sad.The so-called "deep love, deep responsibility", parents are full of expectations for their children.Because of the deep expectation, even a little injury will make me feel sad.But this does not mean that children should blindly obey their parents, deny all their parents' faults, nor blindly affirm all their parents' faults, but express an appropriate attitude towards their parents' actions according to their inner emotional requirements.The word "appropriate" here is very important.In what kind of situation, what kind of relationship, what kind of conditions, and what kind of method should be used to treat each other, Confucianism is very careful in this regard, very in line with the world, and is reasonable.The filial piety mentioned by Confucianism is not ignorant filial piety, but you must be able to judge the faults of your parents and dissuade them tactfully.Don’t try to force the difference in concepts caused by different times, or the difference in the way of life caused by different personalities; but some mistakes that are obviously violations of laws and disciplines and harming social and public order should be especially careful.And when persuading parents, choose the right time.For example, when your parents celebrate their birthday, when you are in a good mood, it is more effective if you persuade them; if you really can’t persuade them, don’t force them.Because parents are getting older, it is difficult to change their personalities. As children, they have to work hard to do good deeds and make up for their parents' mistakes. There is a saying in "Yi Zhuan" that "a family that accumulates goodness will surely have lingering celebrations; a family that accumulates bad things will surely have lingering disasters." The Chinese believe that good and evil are based on the family as the unit.As a family goes, if you do more good deeds, your children and grandchildren will have some blessings; if you do a lot of things you should not do, your children and grandchildren will also be affected.As the ancients said, it is precisely hope that children and parents will do good deeds together, so that "family harmony and everything will prosper" and have a positive impact on society.If a family's values ​​are deviated and they only know how to make money by any means, even if they achieve success, it may cause harm to society.Therefore, regardless of whether the parents are good or bad, the children must fulfill their responsibilities. Doing a lot of virtue and doing good deeds is considered filial piety. When we are young, it is easy for our parents to worry about it. This is the experience of everyone.We sometimes think that it is the parents who are willing to worry about it, and we have not done anything to make them worry about it.Is that true?As the saying goes, when a child travels a thousand miles, the mother worries.Even if the children do nothing but travel far away, parents will worry a lot.That's why Confucius said: Parents are here, don't travel far.There must be a way to travel. ("The Analects of Confucius Liren") When the parents are alive, the children do not go far; if they go far, they must have a certain place to go. There are roughly four situations for the ancients to go out and leave home: one is to study abroad, to study abroad; to play.In ancient times, communications were underdeveloped. Unlike today, when everyone has a mobile phone, they can send text messages and call to report to their parents wherever they go. Worrying and caring, not knowing what will happen to their children outside.That's why Confucius said that when parents are alive, children should try not to travel far away, lest they miss them. This is a kind of filial piety.But what Confucius means is not to let you go out, but to let your parents know where you go, and always think of your parents worrying about you; thinking of what I am doing now, going to this place, my parents will worry ?If parents are worried, don't do it. In addition, Confucius believes that children who know how to take care of their bodies, so as to be healthy and less likely to get sick, are also a kind of filial piety. Uncle Meng Wu asked about filial piety.Confucius said: "Parents only worry about their illness." ("The Analects of Confucius") Uncle Meng Wu asked what filial piety is.Confucius said: "Let parents only worry about their children's illness." In the book, there are many places where disciples and people of the time asked Confucius about filial piety, and Confucius taught students in accordance with their aptitude, and the answers he gave were different each time.Meng Wubo was the son of Meng Yizi, a senior official in the state of Lu, and a son of a nobleman.This time he asked Confucius about filial piety, and Confucius gave a simple answer: health is filial piety, let your parents only worry about your illness.What does that mean?It is always inevitable for people to get sick. Changes in the weather and dietary problems may lead to sickness.Except for illness, if you don't let your parents worry about all other things, including studying, making friends, and doing things, then you are very filial.This sentence sounds easy, but it is not easy to do it.Poor parents all over the world, who have worked hard for their children all their lives.When their children are sick, they are even willing to replace them with their own bodies.As parents today, if our children can really do it so that we don’t have to worry about anything, but only worry about whether they are sick, then what else can we say except that we have filial children? There is a student Gao Chai, Confucius said that he is "Chai is also stupid", relatively stupid, why?Because when his parents passed away, he was so sad that he cried out his tears and even bled.It can be seen that he does not know how to control himself in moderation.Confucius said to him, it is right for you to miss your parents, but it is unwise not to take care of your health.Because you have family and children to take care of and social responsibilities to bear, if you have a physical problem, even if your parents know about it secretly, they will not feel at ease.Therefore, although Gao Chai is filial, in Confucius' view, it is wrong to be sad to the point of hurting one's own body. Therefore, caring for the body and keeping healthy is not only the responsibility of being a human being, but also the foundation of filial piety.Confucianism talks about filial piety, emphasizing "comparing one's heart to one's heart" and thinking of parents, and the way to think of parents is to think of oneself as parents.There is a saying that goes well, "Only by raising children can you know the heart of parents".When we are children, we are often not able to understand the feelings of our parents; only when we become parents and have children, we will think about how our parents worried about us in the past.Therefore, Confucianism says that when a person has parents and children, he is more likely to show profound filial piety. This is a natural principle of human nature. After a person grows up and matures, on the one hand, he has a child of his own, and he has to grow up with the child.Because when we grow up, we tend to forget our past experience and the kindness of our parents, and our children will remind us that our parents have worked so hard to raise us.On the other hand, we must also mature together with our parents.Seeing that our parents are getting older, we have to think that in the future, we will also be like our parents, aging and sick, and approaching the end of life.Therefore, it is a great happiness in life for a person to have parents, children, and a complete family.When you see your children, you will think of what you were like when you were young; when you see your parents, you can imagine what you will be like when you are old.A person has a past and a future, so that his present will not be in vain, and his life will have its original and gradually mature. One question that Confucianism is often questioned is: Is Confucianism ignoring legal principles for the sake of human feelings?Or does Confucianism lack the spirit of the rule of law and is not suitable for modern society?The biggest point of dispute stems from the following passage: Ye Gong said to Confucius: "There are straight people in our party, and their fathers plunder the sheep, and the son proves it." Confucius said: "The difference between the straight people in our party is: the father is the son Hidden, the son hides for the father. Straightforwardness is in it." ("The Analects of Confucius Zilu") Ye Gong (the doctor of Chu State) told Confucius: "There is an upright man named Gong in our village. His father stole the sheep, and he Go and report it yourself." Confucius said, "The upright people in our village do things differently: the father hides for the son, and the son hides for the father. Naturally, there is integrity in this." Logically speaking, the virtue of "integrity" requires us to report all unrighteous things.Therefore, the father steals the sheep and the son denounces, isn't it a standard pattern of integrity?But Confucius listened and couldn't accept it.Anyone can prove that the father stole the sheep, but the son cannot prove it, and the immediate family members cannot prove it, because to testify violates the ethics and morals among relatives.Confucius put forward "hidden", no matter how you can use the position of the son to report the father, or use the father's position to report the son, because the relationship between father and son is stronger than the law.Confucius also believed that "straightness" can be found in "the concealment of father and son".why?There are two reasons: First, any moral character should be based on sincere feelings.If a person does not have a sincere heart, even if he acts righteously, it will be difficult to last; because he may be trying to please the society, or seem to advocate justice on the surface, but his heart has deviated from the requirements of human nature.Among all people's feelings, there is nothing more important than family affection. Concealing the mistakes made by relatives is out of sincere emotion. I can't bear to see my relatives being punished. Not reporting it does not mean defying the society. Otherwise, if all the people are reported by their own family members, what else do judges and police officers need to do?Sacrificing family affection for the sake of integrity is tantamount to giving up personal responsibility for the sake of being responsible to the group, and the priorities are reversed.Furthermore, whether any behavior is "straight" or not, the relationship between the actor and the other party needs to be considered. As long as it is appropriate, it can be called "straight".Confucius said: "It's hard to learn straight, and its disadvantages are also twisted." ("The Analects of Confucius Yanghuo") If you refuse to learn human affairs, just go your own way and pursue the so-called justice, the result will be "acting strangely and hurting people's hearts". There is also a story in Mencius.A student asked Mencius, "Shun is the Son of Heaven, and Gao Tao is the judge. If Shun's father killed someone, what should we do?" Mencius said, "Just arrest him." The student asked, "Wouldn't Shun stop him?" Mencius said: "How did Shun stop it? Gaotao has a legal basis." The emperor violated the law and the common people were guilty of the same crime, not to mention the emperor's father violated the law, of course he must accept legal sanctions.The student asked again: "Then what would Shun do?" Mencius replied: "Shun regards abandoning the world as much as abandoning my poor house. He steals his burden and flees, lives by the sea, and is happy all his life. He forgets the world when he is happy." 1) Shun would throw away the throne of the Son of Heaven, just like throwing away an old straw sandal, and then secretly ran to the seaside to hide behind his father's back. He was very happy all his life, so happy that he forgot the world. Why did Mencius say this?Could it be that Shun's father was wronged to kill someone?Or isn't the family of the person who was killed sad and miserable?Shun's choice is actually very simple. If you want to be the emperor, you must maintain social justice and send judges to arrest your father. But if you are not an emperor, but a simple son, you must put filial piety first and try your best to protect your father.This concept is consistent with Confucius' position that "the father hides from the son, and the son hides from the father. Straightforwardness is in it."Law is the need of society, and human relations are the requirements of nature. We cannot harm the requirements of nature because of the needs of society. However, most people may find it difficult to accept this approach. Doesn’t this harm social justice for the sake of family affection?But don't forget that Shun has already made a choice. You can't have both, you can only choose a result that you can accept, and the result you can accept is of course to protect your father out of human and sincere emotions, otherwise you will continue to be the emperor, and Father is locked in prison, even sentenced to death, can you still feel at ease?Can you still serve the people with your heart? It can be seen from this that the Confucian way of thinking is not to violate the law, but to let you know that the law is based on the sincere emotions of human nature. If this emotion is threatened, the entire social structure may not be able to maintain for a long time.It is impossible for a society to be perfect, and many things have their costs. In Confucianism's view, family ties should not be sacrificed in order to pursue social and legal justice, because family ties are unique and irreplaceable.And if you have to sacrifice, to what extent do you have to sacrifice?In fact, "great righteousness destroys relatives" is by no means a Confucian thought.Confucianism believes that if you can’t sincerely face your feelings of wanting your parents to be safe and happy, but jump directly to social justice, you will immediately report your parents’ mistakes and let them be punished. This is against human emotions.As a school of philosophy, Confucianism is under great pressure to explain the experience of human life.Because human life experience is full of various contradictions and complex facts, there may be many complicated factors behind the killing and stealing of sheep, which cannot be judged simply.Confucianism would rather say at this time that you should protect your parents out of your inner feelings, but if the law convicts your parents, you don’t have to resist. You should be responsible for what you do wrong. This is the correct and reasonable attitude. The so-called "filial piety" is the most basic expression of human true feelings, and the so-called "ritual" is a social norm that everyone abides by.What is the relationship between filial piety and courtesy?Confucius thought it was related.Once Meng Yizi asked him what is filial piety?Confucius only answered two words "no violation", don't violate the etiquette system. In life, things should be done with propriety; in death, it should be buried with propriety and sacrificed with propriety. ("The Analects of Confucius") When parents are alive, serve them according to the rules of ritual; when they pass away, bury them according to the rules of ritual, and sacrifice to them according to the rules of ritual. Why did Confucius answer like this?Teach students in accordance with their aptitude.At that time, the state of Lu was dominated by three great officials, Meng, Shu, and Ji, who often violated etiquette and did many things that were not in accordance with etiquette.For example, Ran You, a student of Confucius, served as the general manager of the Ji family, and the Ji family wanted to go to Mount Tai to offer sacrifices. Confucius asked Ran You to dissuade him, because it violated the ritual system.Only the Son of Heaven and the feudal lords are qualified to offer sacrifices to Mount Tai. As Ji's family is a doctor of the State of Lu, this is an act of arrogance.As a result, Ran You said that he could not persuade Confucius, and Confucius was very disappointed. Meng Yizi who asked the question this time is also a son of a doctor.He was twenty years younger than Confucius, and was ordered by his father, Meng Xizi, to learn rituals from Confucius.So when he asked Confucius what filial piety is, Confucius replied concisely and firmly: Do not violate the etiquette system.That is to remind him that a son of a nobleman cannot go beyond the rules of "ritual" just because he is rich and powerful, and hold a funeral ceremony that exceeds his status, so that everyone in the world will know that I am filial to my parents.In Confucius' view, this violated the etiquette system and was unfilial.Only when there is no violation of etiquette can the intention of filial piety be realized.The combination of internal filial piety and external etiquette is the practice of filial piety. In addition, Confucius believed that the relationship between filial piety and propriety is also manifested in: The father is watching his aspirations, but the father is not watching his actions.Three years without changing the way of the father, can be called filial piety. ("The Analects of Confucius Xue Er") Observing a person depends on what aspirations he chooses when his father is alive, and what behavior he shows after his father passes away.If he can not change his father's principles for three years, he can be called filial piety. Why is it filial piety to "not change the way of the father for three years"?This is related to the rules of etiquette.In the ancient system, when the parents died, the children mourned for three years.According to Xunzi, these three years are not really three years, but twenty-five months.Many people ask, what should I do if my father's principles are not good if I don't change my father's way for three years?It should be changed immediately, why wait three years to change it?Conversely, if father's principles are good, why change them after three years?You can continue to do it.This issue is very complicated, because each father and son have different personalities and styles, and the reality of the "father's way" is also very complicated. "Three years without changing the father's way" is a steady approach based on this.For example, my father likes to help the orphanage, and I like to help the nursing home; within three years of my father's death, should I continue to help the orphanage according to his wishes?Or as I think, donate the money to nursing homes?Confucius thought, I'm afraid you still have to follow your father's habit for three years, why?Avoid disappointing those in his care.You can make reforms according to your own ideas after you have been working for three years. Take Zeng Shen, a student of Confucius, as an example. Zeng Shen’s father was old, and he served his father with wine and vegetables for every meal.After finishing the meal, he asked his father, who was going to give the rest of the meal?My father said, let's give it to the Zhang family next door this time.Zeng Shen respected his father's ideas and allowed his father the freedom to arrange leftovers, making him feel that although he was old, he was still able to help the poorer people, which showed that Zeng Shen was very filial.When Zeng Shen himself was old, it was different for his son to take care of him.Every meal also has wine and food, but after eating, don't ask him what to do with the rest of the meal.He asked, is there any left?The son said, no more.Why?Too much trouble.But this is the difference between filial piety and unfilial piety.When Zeng Shen served his father, he realized his father's desire to take care of the poor, but Zeng Shen's son ignored this when serving him.Of course, we can also say that Zeng Shen himself was very filial, but he failed to teach his son well, which is another matter. Therefore, when Confucius talked about filial piety, in addition to having sincere emotions, etiquette must also be observed.In this way, people's behavior will not be "excessive", nor will they be "inadequate", and all kinds of emotions can be "expressed and moderate", and "moderate" is an appropriate measure.No matter what era or society a person lives in, only by combining law-abiding and respecting etiquette can the road of life be very stable.Some people may say, is Confucianism a bit conservative?But don't forget that when a person lives in the world, he can only grow slowly if he is conservative and stable; otherwise, the etiquette system changes too quickly, and he may be at a loss in the end, and instead lose his sense of propriety. "Three Years of Mourning" is the most poignant dialogue in the film.Confucius had a student named Zai Wo, who was the first in the language department.Every time this student appeared, it seemed to bring some displeasure to Confucius.For example, if he sleeps during the day, Confucius said that he "cannot be carved with rotten wood, nor can a wall of dung be smashed", and he is incurable.Why?Because there were no electric lights in ancient times, people had to sleep at night, and they should study and work during the day.A person who sleeps during the day is not ambitious or lazy, so Confucius criticized him.However, this time on the issue of filial piety, Jae Yu raised a good question. 宰我问：“三年之丧，期已久矣。君子三年不为礼，礼必坏；三年不为乐，乐必崩。旧谷既没，新谷既升，钻燧改火，期可已矣。”子曰：“食夫稻，衣夫锦，于女安乎？”曰：“安。”《论语·阳货》宰我请教说：“为父母守丧三年，时间未免太长了。君子三年不举行礼仪，礼仪一定会荒废；三年不演奏音乐，音乐一定会散乱。旧谷吃完，新谷也已收成；打火的燧木轮用了一次。所以守丧一年就可以了。”孔子说：“守丧未满三年，就吃白米饭，穿锦缎衣，你心里安不安呢？”宰我说：“安。” 父母过世，子女守丧三年，这是商朝的规定，事实上周朝已经不太流行了。孔子的祖先是商朝人，他总认为祖先那一套还适用，结果宰我提出质疑。他说，三年守丧，时间未免太长了吧，三年不能行礼作乐，一定礼坏乐崩。这就像小孩学钢琴一样，三年不准他弹琴，再弹的时候一定不成调儿，这是人文世界的情况。自然世界呢？古时候鲁国一年收成一次，旧米吃完，新米收成要一年。取火用的木头，也是一年轮用一次。宰我很有逻辑头脑，他说人文世界三年太长，自然世界一年一循环，所以守丧一年就够了。 照理说，这个质疑很难反驳。孔子总不能说，宰我，你说三年不行礼乐，礼乐必定崩坏，你做过调查吗？或者你去过台湾没有，台湾是一年收成三次而不是一次呀？这么扯就扯不完了。孔子毕竟是一位伟大的老师。他立刻把伦理规范的基础转移到心理情感上。他说父母过世了，你自己守丧未满三年，就吃好的穿好的，你心里安不安呢？谁知宰我不客气的回答：“安。”心安理得。所以说宰我是坏学生呢，完全不了解老师的用心，这种事情怎么可以说“安”呢？假设宰我的父母在世，听到儿子这么说一定很难过；假设宰我的父母过世，那他以前替父母守丧时，心思一定转来转去的，不想守太长时间。孔子听了宰我的回答，只好说：“女安，则为之！夫君子之居丧，食旨不甘，闻乐不乐，居处不安，故不为也。今女安，则为之！”宰我出。子曰：“予之不仁也！子生三年，然后免于父母之怀，夫三年之丧，天下之通丧也，予也有三年之爱于其父母乎！” 孔子说：“你心安，就去做吧！君子在守丧的时候，吃美食不辨滋味，听音乐不感快乐，住家里不觉舒适，所以他不这么做。他宁可吃的简单，住的简陋，也要替父母守丧。现在既然你心安，你就去做吧！”宰我退出房间后，孔子说：“宰我没有真诚的情感啊！小孩子生下来三岁才能离开父母的怀抱。为父母守丧三年，天下人都是这么做的。宰我曾经受到父母三年怀抱的照顾吗？” “子生三年，然后免于父母之怀”这话过去一直被中国哲学家所忽视。怎么可以拿“生下来被父母怀抱三年，所以父母死了就要守丧三年”做论证呢？许多人都一笑了之，不去多想。然而，几年前美国一份心理学杂志所发表的研究报告却证实了孔子两千多前的见地是多么了不起。 有一家专门收容弃婴的医院，收容了五十名弃婴，有专人去照顾固定的吃、喝。这五十个小孩的反应都差不多，目光呆滞，面无表情，了无生趣，他们的身体在成长，但是躺在那儿奄奄一息的样子。其中只有一个小孩例外，每天总是嘻嘻哈哈，见了人就笑。医生和护士觉得很奇怪：大家都是弃婴，每个人的表情都死气沉沉，为什么他那么高兴呢？于是在房间里装上闭路电视，二十四小时观察这个小孩身上是否发生了什么特别的事。一星期下来，观察结果发现，原来每天下午下班时间，有一位到医院收垃圾、扫地的老太太，经过这个小孩时，会逗逗他，陪他玩半个小时。就是这每天半小时的差别，使这个小孩出乎其类、拔乎其萃，成为这些弃婴当中最特殊的一个。于是发现了，原来小孩需要有一个人以主体的身份去关怀他，跟他互动，他的生命力才能得到正常的发展。否则，只是饿了给他吃，渴了给他喝，而没有一个人真正去关怀他，他内在的心理能力就无法发挥，只能死气沉沉的呆在那儿，不知如何与人互动。 这个研究使得美国心理学界相当震撼。在美国人的家庭里，小孩生下来，大一点之后，就放到小房间里一人睡。小孩哭，让他哭，哭累了就睡着了，变得很有独立性。但是这种独立性对人性而言，是一种伤害，事实上违背了人性自然的要求。人类与动物的差别之一，是人类的幼儿依赖期是最长的，人类所生的小孩依赖父母的时间最长，远超过其他动物。人类的孩子一般要在父母怀中三年，才能够稳健的独立行走。这种长期在生理上依赖父母的状况，自然在心理上发展出特殊的结构，即孩子和父母之间永远有着互相关怀的心理情感。相反，在成长的最初过程中，若是缺少了父母的特殊关怀，则这种遗憾一生都无法弥补；若要弥补，日后必须付出加倍的代价。 从生理需求到心理情感，最后才出现所谓“三年之丧”的伦理规范。也就是说，人间的伦理规范（三年之丧）是为了响应心理情感（安）而定的；然后，心理情感又可以推源于生理特性（三年免怀）。如此形成“生理——心理——伦理”的观点，可以说明人性的开展过程以及人性何以向善，亦即为何不守三年之丧就会不安。所以孔子怀疑宰我是否曾受过父母三年怀抱的照顾，说他“不仁”，忽略了人心的情感需要。换言之，孔子心目中的人性，是不能离开人的生命之具体存在及成长处境的。“子生三年，然后免于父母之怀”是他对人性的深入观察。“三年之丧”是配合我们内心情感需要的外在表达形式。我们在成长过程中，身体上受到父母照顾，心理上和父母有长期依赖，所以父母过世，守丧三年，才能使我们心安。 因此，儒家讲求的伦理规范，并非由外在的压力而来，而是内在心理情感的适当表达。外在的礼仪、礼节、礼貌只是个表现形式，它的前提在于内心真诚的情感。若没有真情实感，外面也不用去做那些形式了，一切只会沦为教条。这才是儒家真正的思想。两千多年一路下来，一直到清末，很多人都说儒家是礼教吃人，吃人礼教，好像学了儒家之后，就被那种三纲五常给限定死了，好好的人生就被约束得没什么乐趣了。事实上，儒家对于中国传统所规定的“礼”提供了哲学说明。这个说明是合乎经验、合乎理性、合乎理想的，使我们活在世上有原有本，有内在的情感，也有外在表达的形式。两者配合，内外相得，才能构成一个和谐的人生与社会。