Chapter 28 one hundred and sixty steps

This is a way back. When I came, I came with a small bag on my shoulders.When I left, I also carried a small burden on my shoulders.When I came, it was broad daylight, and I was full of spirit; when I left, I was accompanied by the morning star and the rooster... When I came, it took only eighty steps.When walking, it took one hundred and sixty steps. The road is really long! The night air has not dissipated yet, and the darkness is layer upon layer.The old locust tree is covered with shadows of small money, could it be the spirituality of the locust tree that fell asleep?The grinder is still there, the wind is clear, and the warm mass in the doorway, could it be a lying dog?Where did the cold air come from? The small swaying, ghostly slapping behind him, and the heavy dampness, dripping for a long time, dropping for a long time, squeezed the days, so short!The morning star is still on, the animal heads of the tiled house are mottled with ferociousness, the eaves are luxuriant, and there are wisps of pitiful vigor in the gray.The land is gone, the crops are exhausted, and the wind brings the smell of ripeness in the yard. During a season, wait and see, until the day of harvest, there is no difference between ripeness and death.Whose old cow is still pouring foam?What are the murmurs?The gray donkey of the Tofu family was stomping, grinding slowly, dripping water, why couldn't it get out of the grinding road?Oh, and it wears an "eyesore" anyway.The way of people, maybe they also wear "obscure", otherwise, how could they walk so blindly?

Ordinarily, people cannot go back.I knew it now, why bother?So, who is willing to go back this way?You have to go.At that time, you were going forward indomitably, you held the word and walked over with your heart in your hands, your eyes were so bright and colorful, you wishfully pulled up a rainbow in your heart, your steps were so light!You didn't expect that one day, you would go back.This is life!Turn back, turn back.How sad it is for you to go back this way.Remember, remember this day, you are going back. The darkness before dawn was heavy.The black seems to be atomized, thickening in rolls and scoops, and the black seems to be playing tricks, and it rushes towards your face, as if trying to push you down.Where is the way?The tree, hazy, is like ink flowers in the fog in the thick black, with layers and layers of curls, gray, black, and ink in disorder.People are speechless, and trees are also speechless.Is that black and dirty piece the scar of the tree? Maybe it is the old elm tree in Donglai's house with the scar.Why is there such a light on the deep black scar?The bright light in the splashing black suddenly hit something, making people wonder, why is there white in this black, and what is it?

For a long time, there was one thing that you dreaded.It's not accurate to say fear, you're just uneasy, slightly uneasy.what is that?Is it the little thing in his eye?At that time, you didn't seriously think about it, and you were still obsessed with it at that time, so it was impossible to think about it.You even appreciate that little thing in his eyes, but now, when you're walking back down the road, you can't think about that... yeah, first date, you noticed, there was something in that eye , that is a very strong light!You can hardly describe how you felt before that light, it's hard to describe, isn't it?What is that, think about it carefully, what would that be.Perhaps, you have seen this meaning in the ant nest, it is not an ant, it must be the meaning that can only be produced when thousands of ants are densely packed together; or it is thousands of ants. The wasp, take off the poisonous stingers on the belly and tail together, stack them densely together and squirm, and the effect will come out.Just so, that light stings!It's not just a matter of stinging, what else is in that light?Yes, cold.The light was very cold, and it was because of the cold that it had strength.It is like the water in a thousand-year-old well, the well is unfathomably deep and black, and when you lean down to look at it, you will see the bright light in the center of the vortex, which is a white spot that suddenly jumps out of the black light. ! ... If you pay attention, how shocking it is!That's it, you finally understand what you saw in his eyes, it was coldness and poison.

You have never thought of it like this before, and the thought of it even scares you!You used to think that it was the backbone, that was the blood, that was the strength.But you are wrong.Just think about it, and you will find that in the countryside, there are many people with such eyes.When they are squatting at the base of the wall to bask in the warmth, as long as you pay attention, you will find that bright spot of light, that sudden flash of white...just in different degrees.So, what nourished such eyes, such coldness and poison?They also eat whole grains, and they also have to go through the four seasons of cold and heat, why... suddenly, like a flash of calcium carbide sparks, you understand, that is "hatred".Think about his childhood, think about those days he spent in the country...you will find that those eyes match the teeth.Sometimes, there is such a tacit harmony between the bright flash in the eyes and the rattling teeth!Yes, it is "hatred" that nourishes this chill and poison day by day.In poverty, in humiliation, that "hatred" becomes the liquid of growth, the juice of life, and the bowl of nutrition.This "hatred" is in a broad sense, like that all-encompassing "day" or "fuck"!It is a kind of rebellion against the sky, the earth, and even the whole society; but it is also narrowly defined, it is trapped in specific days, in the humiliation of each day, in the humiliation of a certain person, a certain thing. in the curse of things.The countryside has its own vocabulary, and in the countryside, that "shou" is really the best comment.How much patience and reluctance are contained in it, and how much "hatred" is condensed in it? !Of course, this is not a question of right and wrong, this is a deformity, a deformity in growth... such a person, such a person wrapped in "hate", once he leaves the humiliation, will he come back?So, what would happen to him if, say, someone blocked his way of climbing in life?you understood.To him, very early on, you used an adjective.You say, he is ruthless.That's what you said back then, but you actually took it as a joke!Yes, at that time, you didn't care at all, you just said it so casually.In your tone, you even have some appreciation!That was your first feeling towards him... But, it was too late, it seemed a little too late for you to understand.If you had understood his eyes one day earlier, would you still fall in love with him?

Maybe, maybe not. Yes, you can't tell.That word also makes people unable to articulate clearly.That's right, hate is of course hate, and when I think about it, I can't wait to kill him!However, you hate it so incompletely... You are a person who cares about you.Think about it, in your childhood, have you ever suffered such humiliation?Have you ever been yelled at?No, it seems not.At that time, you were already the daughter of the branch secretary, and you had some relatives who became cadres outside. During the festivals, they always brought some colorful candies to the countryside.At that time, as you can see, those children who don’t have candies in their hands are so envious!As you can see, it's not just envy, but also jealousy.Some turned their faces away and didn't look at them.Remember, you once handed the candy in your hand to your best friend, but the girl turned around and ran away.At that time, you didn't understand why... In 1962, you saw with your own eyes a child who was the same age as you was eating leaves from a tree. He plucked bitter locust leaves one by one. Stuffed in the mouth, the scene is like a starving little wolf! ...Remember, even in the hardest of times like this, you still have goat's milk.Yes, you've drank goat's milk, it's fishy and smelly, you don't like it, you can't get used to the smell.But, do you know how many children are envious of you?When they see you, will there be that whiteness in their eyes? !

You are surrounded by a burst of darkness in front of you, and people actually gain a kind of freedom in the darkness, which is the freedom of mind.Black, the black in the blur is so kind, it is like an invisible barrier, separating you alone.This is such a good kind of hiding, a kind of natural hiding, the black is like a layer of cocoon, a layer of natural black cocoon, no one will see your face, and no one will guess anything about you, you I really want to melt into this dark night, become a black butterfly, and never see anyone again... Black also seems to have a smell, it is fishy and sweet mint, cool and crispy, that smell Reassuring.This black is like an old dog that will never betray, because it makes you feel warm because of its familiarity.

However, amidst the crowing of the rooster, the darkness is slowly fading away.Is Hei running away too, but where can you escape to?You have seen your home, the double porch, and the jujube tree in the courtyard. This is the place where you were born and raised.It's the jujube tree where the katydid cage he gave you was hung, and there are twelve screeching katydids!The cry is still in my ears, do you hear the cry?What you hear is clearly: person, one person; hands, two hands... back?The word "hui" makes you feel sad and sad.Although this is your home, can you go back, what face do you have to go back?What will my sister-in-law say?Just a few days ago, my sister-in-law told people that I can't keep the Han Xiang, I'm going to leave sooner or later, I'm going to be an officer's wife! ... That's right, when you left, you were so determined, you didn't even give yourself a single leeway, and you didn't even hesitate to break off your family!It turned out to be like this, that's it.

Where is your way? Is that your hiding place, that small earthen hut, that abandoned smoke kang room.Dawn is coming, this is where you are going.Where else can you go? You stopped a few steps away from the smoking kang room.You look back at the village again, and the village is still in a haze.In the gray-brown silence, there is a place of cooking smoke rising tenaciously, and the cooking smoke in the slanting wind floats straight above the mist.You know, that is the earliest family in the village, that is the tofu family.Brother Tofu is deaf, he is deaf and three times stupid, he just follows the donkey, walking round and round in the mill road, or pushing the handle of the bellows, pushing and pulling to make the fire blazing , boil out the pots of slurry, and then press out the plates of tofu; the tofu sister-in-law, who was once a clear and bright woman, carried two buckets and walked away with a load of tofu. There is a row of tanks in the room, the sea and the sea are big, it seems that they can never be filled, and they just pick them?Two people, just driving this mill, have raised a pair of children... A mill is a good job for a family!Think about it, how can you not be moved.The wind was very cold, and your heart trembled, and you felt desolate, extremely desolate.How did you come to be today, how did you come to this point?Is your heart not sincere enough?You ask the sky, the earth, the old locust tree that once served as a matchmaker, and the result is the same... You really want to cry, when there is no one, when people can't see you , Lock yourself up and have a good cry!

Turning around, you saw the vast fields and the boundless yellow land. The long and long time is contained in the endless blackness and the smoky night air. Ringing in the ear, what is that, is that life?If it is alive?All kinds of insects, no matter how humble and insignificant they are, will always make their own voices when the season comes.Those many insects sing one after another, echoing one after another, mixed in the torrent of night, can they also make a kind of resounding sound?The traces of the ruts meandering to the distance in front of you, the winding ruts, the traces of footprints, do you mean a "walk"?There is already a line of flying red in the sky, and the pulse is so painful... Do you want to go?Everyone is running away, as long as there is an opportunity, as long as you seize the opportunity, if you can leave, you will leave sooner or later, why can't you leave?The land is still barren, the land bears people, feeds them, shelters them, and tramples them down. The land is speechless, and the land has never spoken a word.Year after year, is there a time when the land is wronged?At this time, in a cavity of grief and indignation, you can't help but ask yourself, should people be a little bit ambitious? !

The door is to prevent people, and the house is for Tibetans. You must have a hiding place.The door of this old kang house has been eroded by wind and rain, and it is creaking and hoarse. It needs to be repaired.There is still an old smoky smell in the kang room. Although the "fire dragon" that was built has been dismantled, the adobe is still piled up on the ground, and there are also those long-disused tobacco stalks, which are piled on the ground in bundles. Throwing away, you have to clean up all these, you have to paste some newspapers on the earth wall, and spread a floor. From now on, this is your home... At this time, suddenly there are some people outside the door. Movement, is it a wild dog?Of course you're not afraid of dogs, after what you've been through, what else is there to be afraid of?Maybe, what you are afraid of is people. At this time, you don't want to see anyone!Of course, if you are a villain, if you have any malicious intentions, you are also prepared. You have prepared a pair of scissors for yourself, a pair of sharp scissors!If you can't handle him, you can handle yourself!Man has driven himself to a dead end, and the rest is nothing to be afraid of.

But, you still recognized it, it was the eggs.You know it's the eggs... Eight years later, you can still hear their footsteps. The eggs came in one by one, knelt down in front of you again, and said one by one: "Sister-in-law, don't go. Brother doesn't recognize you, we will." You laughed, although a little sad, you still laughed.You said: "Dan'er, get up. No need to say anything more, I won't go back... Everyone has a sky above their heads, their own paths, let's go separately. Clothes are in the box, each person has a small wooden box, Don’t get it wrong. The key is still under the eaves as before. There is a pig that doesn’t eat much, it’s that black pig, go and give it an enema... from now on, don’t call me sister-in-law anymore, I It's not your sister-in-law either." The eggs cried again, and the eggs said with tears: "Sister Hanxiang, go back. We will recognize you as a real sister. From now on, you will be my sister. No matter what time you are, you are ours." Dear sister! Really, we are going to tell a lie, if half of it is not true, there will be a thunderbolt!" You said, okay, don't say any more.You all go back.let me be quiet. However, they still couldn't get up, and they just knelt there... Finally, the fourth child burst into tears and said, "Sister-in-law, I know, no matter what we say, you won't believe it anymore. You won't believe us anymore. " You say, I believe.Let's go, I believe. At this time, the fifth child spoke, and the fifth child hooked his head and stammered, "Sister Hanxiang, that, that, that..." He said three "thats" in a row, and of course you knew what he was talking about.You know, this old five is shrewd at heart.You say, go back.I won't make things difficult for you.Tell Daddy there's nothing more... and with that said, you know they're still scared.So, you said: "Old Wu, when you go back, you call my father, and you say that I want to talk to him." The fifth child hesitated for a moment, then said timidly, "Secretary, what if...he doesn't come?" At this time, you took out the pair of scissors from your arms, and you said, "Tell him, if he doesn't come, let him wait to collect my body!" The eggs are probably frightened, and they stare blankly at you one by one.