Chapter 8 71-80

71 After Daqing left, I lost a friend who I could call and gossip when I had nothing to do, so I became more lonely, so I focused all my attention on Chen Xiaolu. As I said, I thought she would be my life-saving straw. Let me see a new life, or build a new life with me, although I can't imagine what that kind of life looks like, but at that time I had a fantasy-like longing, I thought we could Each broke away from everything around me, I thought we could change something, it doesn't matter if it doesn't get better, it doesn't matter if it gets worse, at least, I think everything can be changed.

So, I spent three days writing the outline at hand, then called Chen Xiaolu and told her that my work had come to an end. Before the call, I even prepared a long essay to discuss our future. Unfortunately, Chen Xiaolu She told me that she was very busy, and she had a final exam for a course in the last two days, and she said that she would wait until the exam was over, so I had to wait patiently. 72 I think the most unbearable thing in the world is waiting—waiting makes people sleepy, waiting, waiting makes people discouraged, and the most tormenting thing in waiting is hope, hope, hope ——I hope I won’t mention it again. Whenever I think of the word hope, I can’t help but shake my head deeply. The things expressed by these two words are really terrible. A phantasy that remains unconscious after all insults, as long as one thinks about it—hope, one can plunge into a deeper insult—on the one hand, waiting to arouse hope, on the other hand, one has to endure, Patience comes from the premonition that hope may be dashed, and the waiting is passed between these two contradictory emotions, and unfortunately, most often, people wait for nothing but dashing, and because hope The disillusionment made the original sorrow even deeper.Even if the wish comes true, people's joy will not last long, because the passion has been consumed in waiting.

As I write this, I think of those who are about to die, those who are suffering from illness, those who bet on stocks in the stock market, and those who look at the lights of the city and look for People in their own homes think of those who sit in offices all day and sigh quietly in the face of endless trivial work, those who buy a little peace by installment payment, those who are ordered, scolded, insulted, and damaged I think of their waiting and hope, those soaring aspirations, those heroic dreams that think everything can be changed, and those tiny little hopes, those childish and innocent fantasies, those poor elves floating over Beijing— —Where do all these little birds without wings grieve, where do they cry?

73 During the three days I was waiting for Chen Xiaolu, I went shopping four times and bought back a large number of things that I would not use for at least a year. Cook six times, and make at least three dishes and one soup each time. Cleaned up the house three times, to the point of wiping every book on the shelf once. Smoking eight boxes and drinking a bottle of red and white wine. Sleep for forty hours. Read 20 tabloids with various contents. Even the news broadcasts that I usually never watch, I watched it once or twice as a collection of jokes. Read two serious books, one is "Christ City" by Andrea, and the other is "City of the Sun" by Italian Campanella.

What the two books have in common is that they are all nonsense and irrelevant. The interesting thing about foreigners is that they have the leisure to list the terrible situations that would never happen in the world and compile them into a book. Watching two videos, they are "The French Lieutenant's Woman" and "Jul and Jim" by Truffaut. The difference between the female lead of these two films is that the former only wants to be fucked by a man, while the latter only wants to fuck. Want two men to fuck, the commonality is the same reason, love of course. I listened to Schnabel's "Complete Works of Beethoven's Piano Sonatas" in a set of eight. The pain, struggle, will, etc. that Beethoven expressed in the sonatas had tormented him all his life, and unfortunately I was also moved by it. While listening to it, the thought of leaving Chen Xiaolu once came to my mind, but when the music passed, the thought disappeared immediately.

Walter conducted the New York Philharmonic, and the Westminster Choir sang Mozart's song eleven times.Many of the arias actually made me hear the taste of street pop songs. Even so, during the three days, I failed to get rid of the bad habit of checking whether the phone was hung up every once in a while. 74 Finally, I stood in front of the school gate of Beijing Foreign Studies University, and opposite Chen Xiaolu was walking towards me with a small bag and two textbooks in hand. For a moment, I wondered if I was standing at the gate of Harvard Business School in Boston. Waiting for an unattainable Harvard beauty.I went forward to meet her, full of joy, and when I got closer, Chen Xiaolu seemed preoccupied. Immediately, a strange and uncomfortable feeling came to my heart, and even my pace slowed down.

"How about it?" "I don't know, and I don't know if I can live." Chen Xiaolu said listlessly. Suddenly, I actually felt that there was nothing to say between the two of them. I walked with her for more than ten meters, took out the cigarette case from the jacket pocket, took out one, put it in my mouth, stopped, lit the cigarette, and took a deep breath.As soon as I raised my head, Chen Xiaolu also stopped, stood beside me, and looked at me. "Where are you going?" I heard her ask me. "Me?" I was at a loss for words and didn't know how to answer. In the morning I received a call from her asking me to pick her up at the school gate, but she didn't mention what happened after picking her up. When she asked me like this, I was even more confused.

"Are you busy today?" she asked again. "No." "You can accompany me to Friendship to clean the car." I nodded and without saying a word, we walked towards her car by the side of the road one after the other. "I'm always cleaning cars at Friendship," she said. We got in the car and drove to a parking lot inside the Friendship Hotel. A worker came up to clean the car. I stood aside. It was 4:30 in the afternoon. There was no one in the parking lot and the sun was shining. Chen Xiaolu stood with me, Watching the workers rinse the car with the leather hose connected to the faucet, wipe it with soapy water, rinse the soap away with water, open the door again, wipe the dashboard and steering wheel, drag out the floor mat, and shake it in the air Dust, and finally the glass, inside and out, was wiped brightly in patches with well-wrung suede, and we hardly spoke for half an hour in between.

"Are you okay?" I asked her after the glass was wiped. "A friend of mine asked me to find her. She runs an advertising company, and it's in Jimen Bridge. We haven't seen each other for a long time. I'm going to see her." I nod. "I still need to go to a place to find someone to get an invitation letter to apply for a passport. I'm going to Thailand next month. I——my husband wants me to go." Chen Xiaolu always calls her Taiwanese husband. I nod again. "Give me a cigarette," she said. I handed her the cigarette, and she lit it next to me and started smoking.

I was wasted there, I didn't know what to do, it could be seen that Chen Xiaolu was the same as me, the atmosphere was dull. "Then I'll go first." I said. Chen Xiaolu nodded: "Then, all right—bye." I waved to her and smiled at her, I didn't know why I was smiling, and I didn't know how to smile, but I smiled anyway, and I even wanted to say "bon voyage" or something, but I didn't, Instead, he turned around and walked towards a taxi parked not far away.Suddenly, there was the sound of Chen Xiaolu's hurried footsteps from behind. I turned around and saw her running towards me.

"What's the matter?" I asked her. "If you're okay, come with me. I'll just say a few words when I go to the advertising company, and it will only take a while to get the invitation letter. You wait for me in the car, and then we will have dinner together." I stood there, hesitating for a while, not knowing how to deal with this situation. "Come on." She tugged at my arm. So I followed her back to the car and got into her car again. Along the way, I didn't know what to do. I wanted to talk, but I didn't know what to say. I wanted to get off the car, but I didn't know what to say. I realized that Chen Xiaolu was the kind of person who should forget about it after having sex with her. Man, but, but, there always seems to be something about her that attracts me. Thinking about it, there are always three or four girls who have had one-night stands with me, but I have never had such a strange emotion for one of them as I did for her. I don't know what that emotion is. As the number of meetings increased, I felt that the distance between the two was not getting closer, on the contrary, it seemed more and more strange. I watched her get off the car to meet her friend, wave goodbye to the friend who sent her out, and looked at her again Get in the car, drive to a company, park the car, get out of the car and walk in, and then come out while reading a letter in her hand, I watched her get in the car again, put the letter away, let out a long breath, and then asked Me: "Where are you going? Are you hungry?" I nodded casually and didn't speak. She drove the car to a restaurant, and we went in for dinner together. It was a Shanghai restaurant, and it was noisy inside. We ordered food and waited to eat. Chen Xiaolu wanted to talk to me several times, but she hesitated several times. . Halfway through eating, she finally said to me, "Let's forget it." I took a deep breath and nodded. "Not good for you," she added. "To me? I'm fine." "Actually, I'm fine. You know my situation. That's how I am." I nod again. "You think I—" She hesitated again. "What's wrong?" I asked. "I don't think it's fair to you to go on like this." I pretended to be relaxed and smiled, finished the last bite of the meal, and then waved to the waiter to pay. We left the restaurant together, and I was about to say goodbye to her and take a taxi home, but Chen Xiaolu asked me behind me: "Where are we going?" I was confused and didn't know how to answer. "Go to your place. My brother is taking his girlfriend home today. It's not convenient for me." So, I got into her car again and came back to my house like a cloud and fog. As soon as we entered the door, we hugged each other and rolled on the bed. After I heard Chen Xiaolu say "this is not good" in my ear twice, I Put her on the bed, started fucking, and just finished, I heard her say to me, "One last time." I still don't understand what this sentence means. I don't know whether she means the one she just finished or she will do it again. Next, we did it again, and I peeked at her in the middle, and saw her eyes closed tightly, with a few teeth exposed, biting her lip, looking very devoted. Afterwards, she quickly put on her clothes, sat on the sofa, looked at me who was leaning on the bed and smoked, and said, "We can't do this anymore." Then, he repeated the sentence again, as if speaking to himself.I felt that she, too, was caught up in tangled contradictions. "I like you." I hear myself say that, and I don't know why I say it. "Me too." Chen Xiaolu said. "Don't go to Thailand, stay with me." Chen Xiaolu thought for a while, then slowly shook her head. "Give him back the car and move it here." Chen Xiaolu looked at me and slowly shook her head again. "What should I do?" I heard her say this, as if she was speaking to me, but also to myself. I dressed and got out of bed, went to the kitchen, opened the refrigerator, took out a can of cold Coke, opened it, took a sip from the refrigerator, and then went back to the house and sat beside her. "I want to drink too." She looked at me. I gave her the coke in my hand, went back to the kitchen and brought another can, I took a sip, Chen Xiaolu reached out and grabbed my hand, then she stretched out her head, kissed my neck, kissed me s face. "We can't go on like this," I said. "You should live on your own, and I'm willing to help you with anything." "It's not that simple. My husband proposed to me." "Then you should get married." "I don't want to marry him, I have no feelings for him, but he helped me in my most difficult time, at that time, my first boyfriend ignored me, I was very sad, cut my hair an inch long, and left On the street, I couldn’t even recognize myself. He met me on the street, recognized me, sent me flowers every day, and waited for me in the coffee shop below our company after get off work, making me feel like—" "What about you?" "I have no idea." "what should I do?" "I have no idea." "I do not know either." "I don't want to marry him, I never thought about marrying him-I just want to marry my first boyfriend, and every day before he goes to work, take out his clothes and put them on the bed In the chair next to me, I always thought so, but he fell in love with another girl - she was his ex-girlfriend -" I have heard Chen Xiaolu tell her past two or three times. Her past is very simple, and it only takes five minutes to tell it once. I couldn't figure it out, and I was able to transfer it in as I was talking. In short, she couldn't make any decisions, and I didn't know what my role was, what I should do, and what I shouldn't do. In short, Mess. 75 That night, Chen Xiaolu slept with me. At noon the next day, I received a call and went to the investors to discuss the outline of the newly written script. Chen Xiaolu also had something to do, so I broke up with Chen Xiaolu and went our separate ways. At this point, the matter has reached a deadlock. It stands to reason that I should withdraw, end everything, and get it over with. However, the strange thing is that I did not cut off contact with her. As for why, I can’t explain it clearly. Sometimes, people just When encountering this kind of thing, even now, I can’t understand my emotions at that time, so I can only sum it up with a sentence of “weird love affair”.Strange love, it’s easy to say, but it wasn’t like that for me at the time. I had a strong desire to be with her. Of course, I still met with Chen Xiaolu often, and we dragged it out for four or five months. , I have been in an extremely uncomfortable position, this position is very difficult to describe, it is simply indescribable—— 76 When I am in a bad mood, like everyone else, I will find a way to escape, and the way to escape is the same as others. In order not to let the name Chen Xiaolu involve me as it used to, I decided to empathize and try Going out with other girls, even though I wasn't very interested in other girls at that time, it was better than dying with Chen Xiaolu. Dating other girls is easy to say, but in fact it is pure self-deception. If there are other girls to date, I will not waste Chen Xiaolu. However, according to the law of "everything has exceptions", I decided to give it a try . The first step to try is to find the phone book. My phone book is stored in the computer. One afternoon, when I called Chen Xiaolu to ask for a meeting, but she rejected it with various untenable reasons, I finally turned on the computer. Find the phone book, first list the names of the people on it according to male and female, and then list the available people from the female column. Unfortunately, there is only one person, her name is Zhu Mei, and she is a supporting actress in a TV series filmed by Daqing. This person has a lively personality. In my memory, she once said that she would change her boyfriend when we were playing together, so I dialed her mobile phone, and I reported my name. I bit the bullet and asked where the other party was. Zhu Mei told me that she was in the United States and was participating in the filming of a Hong Kong TV series. Then, she suddenly remembered who I was, so she asked me if there was any play in Beijing. Seeing that the conversation was getting digressed The farther away I hung up the phone in a hurry, I lit a cigarette, my eyes stared blankly, and I didn't realize it until the smoke burned into my hand, so I threw the cigarette butt away, and it was right on the edge of the table. The garbage bag of waste paper, I was thinking about finding out the cigarette butts, the choking smell of smoke came out of the garbage bag, and then, the flame appeared, by the way, my garbage bag is made of paper fashion bags , The waste newspapers that I usually read, the paper towels after wiping the table, waste printing paper, etc. are all thrown in by me.Seeing that the flames were getting bigger and bigger, and the smoke was getting thicker and thicker, I got up in a hurry, stood up, opened the window, and without looking at it, I picked up the whole garbage bag and threw it out of the window. Observing, I saw the big garbage paper bag fluttering with flames and thick smoke, falling straight down the stairs, unbiased, and falling on a pile of sundries in the garden downstairs. Seeing that a fire was inevitable, he flew out, took the elevator, went down to the first floor, ran into the garden, and saw that the garbage bags had been burned out, and the sundries were not damaged at all. I went back the same way, sat in front of the computer again, and then looked at my phone book. My eyes flicked across the names of women. There are a few girls out there, all of whom are decent people. Usually when they call, they always talk about harmless things. Once they accidentally utter a dirty word, they will be corrected in various ways. In order to show that they are serious, they always talk on the phone. At the end, I persuaded me a few words, such as why are you still like this, you are too abnormal, every time I talk to such a person, I always regret it, and after hanging up the phone, I will say something stupid to express my dissatisfaction, but The current situation is special, and I can’t manage so many, so I started to call out one by one, two or three calls, and the answers I got were either to come to my place to play, to borrow a video tape, or to go to a concert or watch a play, etc. In short, they never let go of all the things I hate, and they came to them one by one with great enthusiasm, and regretted once on the phone. Finally, after I booked two or three dates that made my eyes turn black after thinking about it, I let it go in discouragement. Phone, dare not look in the direction of the phone again. In conclusion, I will say that a man's attempts to get out of bad moods usually end badly, and of course his moods get worse and worse until they can't get any worse. This is what happened to me. 77 I have never been used to serious girls, so I would like to say a few words here. Most of the decent girls are middle-aged, middle-aged, and experienced. The decent girls transformed from the unruly girls are especially outstanding in this respect. If you want to dare to kiss them once, you have to take the risk of marrying them. to do it.If you want to talk to them, it must be tedious and boring. If you want to sleep with them, you must have a big wallet, and you have to swear to God, lie and promise, serious girls are most interested in things they don't understand, show They are also the best at it, just like eating and dressing. For example, the dressing taste of decent girls often follows fashion magazines. If they are fat, they must wear tight clothes. If they are thin, they must wear inappropriate suits. , Walking on the street, it is difficult to distinguish them from chickens.If you want to eat, you must find a restaurant with a first-class environment and unpalatable food. If you want music, you must listen to an expensive show. If you want a play, you must watch Pioneer. Come here for nothing, of course, the more the better, and I will be proud to remember to give it back to you after a few months.A serious girl is like rare porcelain, you have to pick it up in person when you go out, and you have to return it when you are done.Serious girls are absolutely shrewd, they will never think of you in everything, they will never tell the truth, never get drunk, never Don't pay bills, never lose money playing mahjong, come to your house to play on a whim, and will cook two small dishes in the kitchen, but never wash the dishes after eating, serious girls are willing to listen to you tell dirty jokes and laugh, but if you Of course, anyone who dares to make an illegal request will be resolutely rejected.If a serious girl meets an unkind person, she will say that she was cheated. You can't help but think that they say this because they made a mistake in their deception. In order to show loyalty to the newcomer, it is necessary to be cruel and ruthless to the old one.In short, there are too many characteristics of decent girls, and they are extremely difficult to obtain, and it is of course even more difficult to try to escape after obtaining them. As for them, I can only say that they are a special kind of gift that has been trained, and if anyone wants to live the most boring and boring life, it is right to get one. 78 After I called Chen Xiaolu three times asking for a meeting, and got three uncertain replies, I decided not to call her anymore, if she wants to see me, then let her go to hell!What's more, instead of not meeting her, I went further and further, and simply made up my mind to end this weird relationship. I made this decision out of helplessness at first, but after I made the decision, I felt relieved, not only relaxed, but also a little proud. I ran to the bathroom to take a shower, put on clean clothes, shaved off my beard, and looked in the mirror. After taking a photo, for a moment, I felt that I was very cool. Coincidentally, my script outline was approved, and when I went to get the second advance payment, I was informed that I would go to a suburban hotel to close my writing until I finished writing the ten episodes. Organize the clothes that should be taken away cleanly and neatly, and put them all in the suitcase for going out, and only wait for the time to pick up the suitcase and leave. 79 The night before departure, Jiancheng and I waited for a party at a bar called Car Wash near the Workers’ Stadium. It was raining lightly that night, and there was an editor at the same table, Lao Bai, who edited the novel I wrote. . Let's talk about old age. Old decadent, as the name suggests, is often decadent, which perfectly fits his state. This person is also a friend of mine. The difference between him and us is that he is the only one in a group of people who has a job. Therefore, night parties are very important to him. It was hard work, because we could just lie down and go to sleep when we got home at dawn, but Lao Bai couldn't, he had to go to work in a dignified manner with a hangover and a yawn, which was not easy.Lao Bai is married, his marriage is in good condition, and his career is considered smooth, but this does not prevent him from suffering. Lao Zai’s pain is different. Others usually tell everyone about bad luck, but Lao Zai is the opposite. He always tells There are some good things for everyone, such as a slight promotion of the position, the division of the unit, etc., but this does not affect his decadence. Sometimes we simply can’t figure out why he drank a lot of beer silently with us all night, but there is one thing Everyone knows very well that Lao Yu is quite introverted and doesn't like to show his pain to others easily. Therefore, once Lao Yu is not in high spirits, it will always cause everyone to speculate. Depression is really harder than going to heaven. As time goes by, everyone takes it for granted and concludes that the depression of the old decadent is an abstract one. Although it follows the old decadent like the original sin follows the Europeans like a shadow, we have no way of knowing. In addition, the whereabouts of the old decadent Secretive, often answering a phone call between parties and leaving immediately. As for where to go and whom to meet, outsiders have no way of knowing. Sometimes he comes back after an hour or two and secretly drinks a lot of beer, which makes him even more mysterious Therefore, although the decadence of old decadence is obvious to all, there are different explanations. It was past ten o'clock at night when we met that day. As usual, we drank and chatted in a boring atmosphere. Lao Bai reminded me to revise the novel again, otherwise it would not be published. I chatted with him for a while about how to revise and so on. After a few words on the phone, ahhh, I hung up, and I was able to go home with my wife. Before leaving, I said to me: "I heard that you and Chen Xiaolu are not doing well?" "How do you know?" I asked casually. "I just came out of the coffee shop of the China World Hotel and saw her in the lobby, walking in with a man on her arm. I was on the phone at the time, so I didn't bother to say hello to her." Lao Tiao shook the phone in his hand to me. Mobile phone, stand up, say goodbye to everyone, and go outside. This sentence fixed me on the seat, and when I wanted to ask him something more, Lao Bai had already left the gate of the bar. Lao Bai never told nonsense, that's for sure, therefore, Lao Bai's words had a strange effect on me, so that after he left, I was talking nonsense with my deskmate, while thinking about As soon as he spoke, his feet were just about to move. I didn't greet everyone, so I slipped out of the bar like a ghost, got into a taxi parked outside the door, and said to the driver, "China World Hotel." 80 China World Hotel is a place where you can still eat delicious steaks until one o'clock in the night. The tables and chairs there are spotless, the lights are always bright and soft, the cakes are always fresh and sweet, the music is never harsh, the waiters are always friendly, and of course the prices are always expensive. I don't know why I am like this, I mean, just relying on the old man's words, at eleven o'clock in the middle of the night, I left my friends and ran to a girl I had decided not to associate with. The reason for the action, and I don’t know what will happen to me when I see Chen Xiaolu. I sat in the taxi with complicated emotions, holding a ridiculous and strange thought in my trance, that is, if Chen Xiaolu was really there, I would go far away. I took a look, and then left—the car was on Chang'an Avenue, and the rain was still falling. Through the rain-soaked window glass, I saw a series of street lights and various vehicles driving on the street. The lights twisted and twisted in the rain, sometimes clear, sometimes blurred into a ball, I thought of Chen Xiaolu's strange attitude towards me, sometimes indifferent and sometimes enthusiastic, I couldn't help but become more curious, mixed with curiosity, there was a bitter taste, when I put my head out When I went out of the window and faced the drizzle falling on my cheeks, this bitter taste became especially intense.