0 I'm thirty-one, I read, I sleep, I write, I'm bored, I fidget, I walk around, I poke my head, I'm inattentive, I'm bored, I'm lonely, I'm dull, I'm worthless, My life fell apart. Even, I don't know why I describe my life, I don't know what I mean, I just blindly do what I think can be done, that's how I am. Thirty-one is a nasty age, and the reason I say so is—at thirty-one I find myself walking into the moor, After counting my luggage, I found that there are only two personal belongings - boring joy and ulterior pain. This is enough to make me assert that thirty-one-year-old is extremely annoying.

I don't think I'm the kind of positive person, but I respect positive people very much. I respect their patience and fighting spirit, and I respect their way of life. I think, if there is no "positive, always fighting Lively and lovely superstitious activities such as "challenging fate" and so on, life simply cannot sparkle. I don't spark, I tremble, but don't flicker, I hesitate, but don't back down, I doubt everything, I turn my back on life, I'm a different kind of person, the one who hasn't found faith yet, I am top-heavy and lack foundation, therefore, in the vast sea of ​​people, I seem to falter, look left and right, move slowly, and don't know where to go.

I am pretentious, I do not know the level.On the contrary, I am very shy. My shame comes from judging my own incompetence. On the other hand, when I see those around me who are stupider than me without knowing it, I can't help but get angry and look like a fighting dog. , As long as I heard them speak, I would refute without asking, and when I finished speaking, I always regretted it. In short, I went up and down, up and down, confused, and contradicted myself. Many common sayings don't apply to me, for example: I don't know what "everything is difficult at the beginning" means, and I don't know where the difficulty lies. I only know that everything starts from scratch, just like my recent situation-in April 1999 One day, I was reading an American Paul.Fussell wrote a book called "America's Social Class and Lifestyle", when the phone rang.

I have to talk about the significance of the phone in my life. Since there is no so-called formal job, my source of income is all dependent on the phone placed in front of my writing desk. When the phone rings, it is nothing more than two things for my life. It's up to you - to use an economic term - to produce or consume.The so-called production means that there are jobs coming to the door, writing scripts or articles, so the manual workshop opens immediately.The so-called consumption means that friends can't stand their own loneliness, and they are ready to move around and ask for gatherings. Of course, gatherings cost money.My phone career seems passable, but it’s actually very passive. I came to this conclusion by looking through it. At first, I also mistakenly believed that my life was unconstrained and free, but told me that the life of a proletarian like me is really low-style. It's vulgar and horrible-just like the last chapter of the book "The Other People Who Break the Convention".

I picked up the phone, and it was an editor who asked me to write a novel of about 150,000 words, which is rare.I quickly agreed. I have said that the life style of proletarian literati is low-key, vulgar, and horrible. This may make some people dislike it, but This is my conclusion based on the two principles of rationality and honesty. The reason is very simple, that is, literati have something to ask from society. When literati speak, they hope that others will hear and respond. Free literati are "amateurs" of society. They always participate in social activities as amateurs, which is very in line with the code of conduct of the upper class in Europe and America, and seems to be very stylish. Unfortunately, the status of "amateurs" of literati is forced.Moreover, according to the principle of "uselessness is beauty", once a literati's work is useful, the beauty will disappear immediately, and the ugliness will come to the door. I wonder if this principle that all literati can memorize is applicable to the literati themselves?Paul.

Fussell doesn't tell me that in the book. My point of view: Behaviors such as loving freedom and pursuing truth should be attributed to personal hobbies and even privacy. If someone is doing these tasks, it is best to do them quietly in their spare time. No, that's the best, the most stylish, because honestly, that's the only thing that deserves that unobtrusive way, And as far as I know, all the great people in the world have done it since ancient times. It must be surprising that my novel begins with this, but everything must have a beginning, and it is always more honest to start with reality than to say nonsense. This is also my personal opinion.When readers read my novels, please don't forget my attitude towards my own writing.Of course, readers are asked to see whether the novels written with this attitude are worth reading.

All I will say is that I don't like the world, and the more I know about it the less I like it. What I want to say is that I don't like my life, I have wanted to use "sabotage, escape, destruction of labor tools" to get out of my life, unfortunately, I can't find those slaves even from Marx's book The final destination after this. What I want to say is that the stories I write come from reality, but they are incompatible with reality. I will say that I consider myself a really bad writer. What I want to say is that I was born in Beijing, I like Beijing, and I hope that Beijing will be better and not worse, so when I write about Beijing, there is no

I was asked to do it, I was writing for Beijing voluntarily, I was born that way, and I deserved it, because I couldn't find anything else to do. 1 That was a long time ago, how long?I can't figure it out, it's the same anyway, every day is so boring, if I could figure out the difference between boring and boring, I think I could tell the difference between one day and another, one year from another . Unfortunately, that is whimsical. When did the new life begin?I can't remember.I just remember that from some day onwards, I changed a group of new friends, so I had a so-called new life, I mean, the life that has continued until now, I mean, fragments.Yes, that's fragments, colorful and sparkling, and when you get up close and look at them, they're useless scum, I mean my life.

My life is concentrated in Beijing. I was born in Beijing. I moved several times with my parents, from dormitories to Hutong courtyards, from courtyards to Tongzilou, from Tongzilou to residential buildings, from North City to South City, from the city to the suburbs. Going around in circles in Beijing, one day, I did the math, and before I turned 30, the time I had left Beijing was no more than half a year. I like Beijing, I like it from the bottom of my heart, it can be said that I will never get tired of living in it, and I can never finish seeing it.I seldom really thought about leaving Beijing, leaving it, where would I go?

I have walked through many streets in Beijing. Xidan, where I walked when I was sixteen, is no longer what it used to be. Caishikou Street has been completely demolished and rebuilt, not to mention Wangfujing Street, which changes like a magic trick. It has been the busiest construction site in the world for several years. Beijingers are keen to demolish roads and houses over and over again to show that this city is full of vitality. From the photo album under the bookshelf of my parents’ house, I can see my Standing in Tiananmen Square when I was five years old, facing the sea-gull camera my father held up to me, but was that me?

The streets of Beijing are always full of traffic. Even after ten o'clock at night, the cars on the Second Ring Road are connected end to end. It is really a big city. In a big city, there are wide streets with street lights, giant billboards that can shine at night, magnificent buildings, endless supermarkets, red lights, green lights, and—— People, many people, all kinds of people, passers-by, drunks, actors, company employees, peddlers, drug addicts, criminals, laborers, beautiful out-of-town whores, farmers, soldiers, athletes, even philosophers. 2 Someone told me that a person should have a job that belongs to him in his life. For this person, only this job is the real job, and only this job is the excuse for this person's existence. It can also be said that this person should use this Work gets paid for being. Unfortunately, this person didn't tell me what my job was, so my existence was meaningless. Of course, this is nothing special. 3 In 1994, by chance, I met some new friends, one of them was Daqing, a director. When I met me, he was preparing to shoot a 20-episode TV series. I was with Daqing. He watched a few movies at home, and through watching, he poured out some knowledge about screenwriting to me, and then I took away dozens of issues of "World Movies" from their house, which is a book with foreign I read the monthly magazine of movie scripts one by one, and I actually started writing the script, so I quit my job and became a screenwriter. In a blink of an eye, I wrote more than a dozen episodes of TV scripts in one go. Because the producer was eager to pay back, the filming of the drama was completed in the blink of an eye, and then it was released. It didn’t take long for TV stations across the country to start broadcasting episodes. stand up.Finally one day, I saw on TV that my name was signed behind the screenwriter column. Although the subsequent episodes of the TV series made me sweat like rain, feel ashamed, but that’s how it is. After the episodes of the drama were broadcast, it was a matter of course. I received another draft and started to write the next drama. I still remember the titles of some films that Daqing showed me, such as "Thirty-seven Degrees Two" by Benex in France, and Quentin.Tarantino's "Reservoir Dogs" has Philly."Henry and Joan" by Pu Kaufman, with Jim.Jarmush's "Night on Earth", Chinese films include Edward Yang's "A Brighter Summer Day" and so on. To add, even today, after watching thousands of movies of all kinds, I still think that these The movie is worth seeing. By the way, let me introduce Daqing. This person is not tall. If his girlfriend Wu Li wears high heels, he has to stand on tiptoe, and the two of them can make a gesture of mutual love. I mean kissing. Of course, Daqing and Wu Li have never There has never been such a grandstanding scandal in public.Daqing was nicknamed "crochet" when he was in school. It can be seen that he was thin enough, but now he is white and fat, but his thin legs are still the same. Standing there looks like a piece of lard on two bamboo poles. On weekdays, he wears a pair of glasses, and when the glasses are accidentally broken, his eyes immediately show a fierce look. 4 Screenwriting career is not accurate at all. Today I am still spending a lot of money, but tomorrow I will be empty-handed and borrow money everywhere. Since the working time and location are not fixed, when there are scripts, I am so busy that I want to use all four feet, and when I am not, I am so free that I have nothing to do all day, so my life is extremely irregular. After two years, my body has become terribly bad. My old friends got married and started a business, and they had a successful career. They gradually cut off contact with me. They only made phone calls during the holidays. Almost all new friends are freelancers. They basically know each other from the wine table. They come and go quickly. Most of the time It's just being with yourself, visiting bookstores, buying video tapes, cooking at home, sniffing honey in bars, that's all. 1995 was a transitional period. For that muddle-headed year, my memory only stayed in some small things, such as gambling failures and one-night stands. Fragmented. For a whole year in 1996, due to various reasons, I didn't receive a good script, and my life was extremely difficult, and my car was sold. As for my spirit, I also became more and more decadent. A broken, rotten life, and even then, there was something going on around me. 5 In the dream, after a lot of fighting, I was still eaten by a large South American spider covered in piebald spots. After hearing the sound of my own bones breaking, I woke up with cold hands and feet. When I turned over, I hit Xin Hong. When she woke up, she said to me without turning her head, "The marijuana is over." I got up from the bed, sat on the sofa naked, picked up the cup on the coffee table, took a sip of the leftover wine from last night, leaned my head on the sofa cushion, and looked out the window. Outside the window, the dark blue night sky As if to float away by itself.I close my eyes and feel my temples throbbing. Xin Hong was the escort I brought back from a bar called Yi in Sanlitun three nights ago. When I came back, I was very drunk. I only woke up the next night. After waking up, my whole body was hot, and I said I had a fever. I bought her a bottle of antipyretic medicine at the pharmacy, and the fever subsided after another day. After we got up, we made a pot of instant noodles together. She ate After finishing, I turned on the TV, drank a bottle of Longhui dry red while watching TV, and smoked the last piece of marijuana with me. Later, she told me the story of the clients. went to sleep. 6 I called a taxi and stopped at No. 11 of the Asian Games Village, then walked into the cave, took the elevator up to the 8th floor, got out of the elevator and turned right, walked three meters and came to Zhu Ling’s door, I knocked on the door a few times , Zhu Ling's voice came from inside, followed by the sound of her slippers, the door opened, and Zhu Ling stood in front of me. "Come in," she said. I went in and sat on the sofa. "The marijuana is gone," I said. Zhu Ling brought me a cup of tea: "Have a sip of tea first." I reached out to take the teacup, took a sip, and sank down on the sofa as much as possible. "What's wrong?" Zhu Ling asked me. "nothing." "So depressed." "Who knows—it's always been that way." "this is not good." "It's not good." "Do you still have money?" "Have." "girl?" "Have." "So that's how it is." Zhu Ling smiled. "why are you laughing?" "I think you're interesting." "interesting?" "Yes, interesting" "Zhu Ling." "what?" "Thank you." "Thank me?" "certainly." "why?" "You buy me weed—" "It's nothing, it's a matter of course." "But I didn't do anything—every day." "Wouldn't that be nice—better than doing something bad." I lowered my head, not knowing what to say. Zhu Ling went to the kitchen and came back with a small envelope in her hand, which she handed to me. I took it and squeezed it. Inside the envelope was a small plastic bag with a small piece of marijuana inside. I put it in my pocket. Then, I started drinking water in small sips. Zhu Ling looked at me. "Zhu Ling." "what." "I didn't want to tell you—" "Say it." "It's a bad thing." "It doesn't matter." "I'm with Xin Hong. She is a girl I brought back from Sanlitun. She has STDs. Last night, I drank too much and slept with her without a condom." "Why didn't you say it earlier?" "Just remembered." "Then go to the hospital." "I'll go later." "Going right now!" Zhu Ling was in a hurry, she took three steps in parallel, rushed to the door, and opened the door: "Go quickly." I glanced at her and stood up. "I'm leaving." "Get out." I went out and the door was slammed shut behind me. I leaned against the door, startled, I suddenly felt a little scared. 7 I met Zhu Ling at "Hard Rock". At that time, I was 26 years old in 1994. I had just started writing scripts, and sometimes I didn't have any script work. When I had a script to write, I had money to spend, and I was happy. If you don’t have a script to write, you have no money and you’re unhappy, you also have to go outside to hang out. In short, no matter what happens, my group of friends and I go to sleep at dawn, get up in the afternoon, and get together , often eat dinner until the sun goes down, and then spend the long night together until dawn. 8 At night, I would rather be with other people, no matter what kind of people they are, no matter whether they are good or bad, than alone facing a computer or books that don’t make sense. That was in 1995 . Needless to say, I was then plunged into an unspeakable anguish. But in the daytime, I'd rather go to sleep, even if I take a hundred sleeping pills, I'll go to sleep in the daytime, the daytime is the world of those dudes who don't know what to do, in the daytime, they put on suits or casual clothes, they paint red lips or paint With deep eyebrows, they brush their teeth, wash their faces, and rush out of the house pretending to be fearless. Production, exchange, consumption, they control others, they get rid of others' control, they are positive, they are the engine of this dilapidated city, they keep this stinking city sailing in the sea of ​​people without sinking, they strive Changing their social status and economic status, they follow success or failure, or are complacent or dejected, they give themselves reasons, give themselves excuses, let themselves exist, make themselves valuable, they are mediocre in the sun, in a word, They are struggling, and their hard-working faces are enough to make people awe-inspiring. They are those normal people. And when the street lights came on, the coffee shop opened to welcome customers, and the neon lights of the bar began to flicker, normal people filed out of their posts and returned home. They turned on the TV to listen to the nonsense inside, They ate dinner and talked with their families about the hardships of work, unfair treatment and various trivial matters in life. At the same time, the city of Beijing suddenly tore off its mask, revealing another face in an instant. I like the other face of Beijing. I like to watch couples in the movie theater with sweet words on their mouths but dirty hands with their hands. Those lonely people who don't speak a word suffer time, I also like to watch people bragging and reasoning with each other in restaurants, and I prefer to watch prostitutes put on heavy makeup to cheat customers of money and favor-these night scenes are shown again and again , I watch it over and over again. So, I threw away the book in my hand, extinguished the cigarette butt, resisted the nausea rising from my stomach, jumped out of bed, put on my clothes, packed my wallet, and walked out of the house to watch the pieces torn apart by the night, I was insensitive and bored, but it also allowed me to forget about being alone, about my own pain, about whether life really had any meaning. 9 Zhu Ling was introduced to me by Daqing. One day at ten o'clock in the middle of the night, Daqing and I were listening to Callas's "Madama Butterfly" at his house and discussing where to hang out. People often called and asked if we would go. Go here, go there or not, but we didn’t know why we were not interested in those people and places that day. After Karas finished listening, he switched to Beethoven’s early quartets, and then changed to Old Gould’s humming "Gothenburg Variations", and then changed to "Mozart Piano Sonata No. 2" played by Zimmerman. The more I listened to it, the more boring I became. As I listened, the phone rang. Daqing answered the phone and said a few words, please, please, please, etc. Afterwards, he resolutely hung up the phone, turned off the record player, picked up his coat and put it on, and turned off the light. In the dark, I heard him say to me, "How about sending you a girl?" "Send me ten." "get out!" The two of us quickly went out and got into a taxi. Daqing said to the taxi driver, "Hard Rock." 10 The Hard Rock is located in the Landmark Building. It is a place where you can eat, drink, and play disco. There is also a Malay band, and there are singers singing American pop songs. That night, we met three girls inside, one of them was Zhu. Ling, at that time, She was in her early thirties and looked good even when she was dancing on the dance floor in a pair of tiny dark glasses.The first time I went to bed with her was only two hours after we nodded, and when I lay down on her bed, I was too drunk to wake up.I have a characteristic when I'm drunk, which is that others can't see it at all. Even if I am completely drunk, I can walk like flying, recognize my way, and talk to people normally. Forget everything about it. Zhu Ling was married, and her husband was a smuggler. The day before he met me, he finally died because of smoking white powder. These were all told to me intermittently by Zhu Ling in the days to come.That night, I slept next to her and helped her take off her earrings and sunglasses. She reminded me to wear a condom and take a shower after work. I had to wash carefully, not carelessly. She said to me, "You are a child now, and you don't care about anything, that's because you don't know anything, and when you know everything in the future, you will care about everything." It is said that when I was drunk, I replied: "I don't care!"