Chapter 8 141-160

141 But in the middle of 1998, the situation didn’t take a turn for the worse. We were a peaceful group of people. Often after the three girls were fired, we would pick them up, have supper together, go for a night drive, and then go back to my place to sleep. We made the floor, fell asleep watching art movies, or fell asleep listening to classical music, and often woke up at noon the next day. It was a miracle that Lao Wei was not fired during that period. During that period, my toilet paper and soap were used up so quickly , we mess around separately every night, and take a shower separately when we are done. There is a disadvantage of living in a group, that is, comparing each other. Of course, it is not for other things, but for enjoyment. It must be delicious, and the tea must be good, (fuck you once, I want to do it again, I think if this goes on, once one of the three couples has successfully committed adultery, the news will spread, and the wind of enjoyment will intensify, and it will evolve into You fuck my daughter-in-law once, I have to take revenge on your daughter-in-law twice, and I have to pay back to you four times,) Fortunately, I ran out of money and stopped the immoral and shameless life just in time .

142 You know, as a proletarian and free literati, God knows how tiring that kind of freedom is. In fact, that kind of freedom is sneaked out during busy schedules. A normal standard of living can be maintained by writing scripts, but I was almost I have written 100 episodes of scripts, and my interest in the scripts is pitiful. In addition, there were very few script jobs in 1998. In addition, I refused to accept low-priced scripts. In addition, I was writing a novel, and I had no previous scripts. Save money, anyway, my financial situation is a mess. I believe that poverty makes people decadent. Once they step into the quagmire of poverty, there is no way to get out unless there is a superhuman will. , until in the end, although I had been trained a lot in poverty, it was useless, because enduring poverty was a last resort, and I valued getting out of poverty more than the way out of it. Unfortunately, this On the other hand, I still haven't gained anything.

143 At first, I borrowed money. I borrowed from Lao Wei, borrowed from other friends, took the time to do one or two small tasks, and paid back the borrowed money. On such a day, on a weekend night, after everyone had eaten and drank enough, I categorically announced that today is the last event, and I will work hard to write later. At first, everyone was a little surprised, and then, everyone must have understood my difficulties, so they dispersed, only Hum still sat on the sofa, watching TV alone, as if nothing had happened. At night, before going to bed, I said to Buzzing, I want to write, and I need someone to write quietly. In the future, don’t come when you have nothing to do, unless you have nothing to do.

Buzz nodded, and hugged me tightly, hugging me all night. 144 The next day, I got up early in the morning and drove Buzz back to the regiment. She gave me a light kiss on the cheek when she got out of the car, and then walked a few steps forward. I was about to reverse the car, Buzz turned back and rushed at me again He waved his hands, as if he wanted to say something to me, I lowered the window glass, poked my head out of the car, and buzzed to me: "Old monster, come pick me up if you have nothing to do!" I nodded, Buzzing smiled at me, turned around and left, with the little bear dangling on his shoulders behind him.

145 On the way back from the car, my own mind was in a trance. I didn’t know how to get out of the predicament, let alone where to start. I parked the car downstairs, went upstairs, and went back indoors. All the curtains, let the sun shine in, I walk back and forth in the room blankly, my mind is empty, I don’t even know where I am for a moment, sometimes, I think I have made arrangements, but after much deliberation, I don’t know the end Something is arranged, I want to write, but what to write?Whether to call and ask if there are any scripts available, or to finish my novel in solitude, or to do something else, I don’t know, I turned on the computer, tried to read the previous scripts, and after just a few glances, I was disgusted, It seems that it is really difficult for me to pick up the script and write it again. I flipped through the novels I wrote before, and the progress was confusing and confusing. Indoors, until noon, after smoking a pack of cigarettes and drinking a lot of tea, everything was still unresolved.

I was thinking wildly, thinking from the present to the recent, from the recent to the past, and from the past to the future. In short, I just kept thinking about it all the way. The strange thing is, thinking about it, I left the current matter aside. I found that I was actually thinking about my future, and I believed that my decision would involve my future. 146 Regarding my future, I would like to introduce it. Of course, it is absurd to describe a personal "future history", but for the sake of clarity, I personally feel that it is necessary to mention it here. Before the age of 30, I was very worried about my future. Besides me, there are some people who are even more anxious than me, and that is my parents. Heart, of course, there have been various designs about my future, such as mathematicians, computer engineers, company managers, as I turned 30, I found that all the imaginations about my future have all collapsed After the age of 30, it seems that there is no future at all. At this time, I realized that the so-called future is just a fantasy. It is actually synonymous with reality-there is no such thing as a future, only now, At present, the reality, realizing this, in my mind, all the rumors about the future are all self-defeating in an instant, so a kind of thought of "there is not much to come, enjoy yourself in time" took advantage of the situation and sneaked in. To the depths of my incorrigible mind, so, I ask myself, what do you need?

The answer surprised me - I found that I desperately need money and beautiful women, and I need a little curiosity to know the world - and there is still time and freedom, and then what?I can't tell. 147 So, in 1998, I worried about my future again. I searched and thought hard, but I couldn’t get the answer. I even read philosophy books again. I didn’t read it as a science, but as a decision. I looked up the reference books on the direction of life to see if there were any opportunistic tricks in it. I began to look up the explanations of various theories on the meaning of life to see if I could combine the pursuit of the meaning of life with a certain career. The answer was obvious, or Being a philosopher or becoming a monk is neither suitable for me. I don’t have the level of a philosopher, and I don’t like the level of a monk. So I turned to seek other answers. In the annual spiritual crisis, the hateful thing is that once my physical desires are satisfied, this kind of spiritual crisis will suddenly erupt, and it will happen again and again, which is particularly annoying to me. Human tragedy!

148 Regarding the future, Russell’s words at the end made me suddenly enlightened. He said: "I found that it is painful to go beyond ordinary people in any point. The best life is to be a sports star or a director." Yes. , I tried my best, and I couldn't surpass ordinary people in any point, which saved me from the foreign crime of being a genius. I have average talent, and it is impossible to do any work that affects human beings. Of course, I am trying Yes, I have studied mathematics, philosophy, physics and other subjects that I think are of great significance, but I find that I am powerless. In mathematics, I have done the most work, and the results have disappointed me the most, except that I found myself a piece of trash. Other than that, I found nothing else at all, so I fell into despair. This kind of despair made me very uncomfortable. When I looked at the people around me, I also looked in a daze. What about myself?

At this point, I decided that I was like an inferior athlete who couldn't win in a proper competition, and had to rely on tricks to dawdle——At this moment, Russell's words sounded like thunder to me, and the bright moon was in the sky, which made me very useful ——Let me declare that I am a person who wants to do something practical, but my talent does not allow me to do unreasonable ideas, so I have to follow the secular life. I am not a sports star. It seems that the director is worth considering , if there is no objection, I think I should also use my little talent to do something that can improve my living conditions. I have a friend who is a director. It is easy to earn money and get beautiful women, so I immediately decided to imitate him. I read more than a dozen autobiographies of famous foreign directors. Except for Bergman, I think the rest are Bunuel and Kubry. Ke and his ilk are full of big bastards, and even their biographies are written in the same way. Bergman's autobiography is at least somewhat literary, while others write their autobiographies like elementary school students' essays. Mischievous and self-satisfied, he looks like a little bastard who lacks a tutor. A bastard like Polanski, in addition to becoming an international director, can actually win the favor of a stunning beauty like Kinski and accept her as a sidekick , Occupied for many years, really lucky!The more I watched, the angrier I became, and at the same time, I was so greedy that I almost drool, so I decided to study things like movies, and I planned to use them to get money and beauties. Peace of mind, but—after all, it is more reassuring to use art to cheat than to lie naked, not to mention that so many people are scrambling to grab this bowl of rice—I used to think that art is just a kind of deception It's a grandstanding thing, and now I have to take it seriously.

I analyzed myself and came to the conclusion that I was probably the kind of person whose ideals were not fulfilled and had to settle for the next best thing, but in the face of reality, I could be regarded as brave, not just an idiot! 149 Here I want to say something off topic. I also have some ideas about the meaning of life and the pursuit of truth. I once believed that there is no unfathomable truth in the world, no matter how difficult the truth is, it can be explained clearly, only lies and nonsense are unfathomable. According to my opinion, there is only one kind of knowledge in the world that is marginal, and that is mathematics, because no matter what kind of books I read, I always feel that I am not reliable. I am often as confused as I am, but I pretend to be more serious than I am. When I judge whether an idea is complete, I first look at it from the perspective of clarity and accuracy. Of course, mathematics books are the most recommended in this regard. If there is no mathematics, Newton's idea can make me laugh out loud. What kind of logic is it that "force is both the cause and the effect"!Mathematics clearly has an advantage in describing things properly and precisely, and a gift in mathematics, which seems to me to be gifted in clarity and order, is actually a small number of people, most of whom profess to like the pursuit of truth Most of the geniuses or masters rely on playing tricks to get around in the world. In my eyes, their appropriate title should be fools and fools.

Therefore, I look down on people who are not good at mathematics. This may be regarded as prejudice, but it is my experience. In reading philosophy books, I found a little secret, I have never done mathematics The expressions of some people are generally very confusing, and some even make people feel confused. Their strength is not to explain things clearly, but to make things messy, so I came to a conclusion: people who have not done mathematics can't do it. letter.Another conclusion is: within the scope of human so-called knowledge, mathematical discussion may be the only discussion that is close to the truth. At least, mathematical discussion has a clear context, and the discussion above it will be somewhat certain, while rambling However, they don't even have the basic context, so there is absolutely no need to take any risks to say that those heavenly scriptures are full of nonsense and nonsense. 150 By the way, all the people I really love and admire have made some achievements in mathematics, or a little bit of cultivation, because mathematics is well known. It is a difficult ideal, the most terrible and difficult invention in the history of human beings. There is not a word of complaint or complaint in it. In fact, each line of formula is condensed with the most painful blood and sweat and the highest intelligence. It is different, and I can accept the most disgusting scene. This is the conclusion I came to after reading the history of mathematics. Mathematics is different from any human language. It only talks to the most perfect mind or nature. And I have nothing to do with Fu Lu Shou. One day, the Chinese football team won the world championship. I can only feel that this nation has done another sensational thing. If Newton and Leibniz invented such useful mathematics as calculus, then I would simply think that there is still a cure for this race. Yang Dechang, 10,000 Confucius, 10,000 A Bing, and 10,000 Sima Qian, I think it’s just a piece of cake. I’m not speaking out loud. I have 10,000 reasons to support my idea. At least, On the eve of the earth's explosion, if human beings can't get rid of this matter, then it can make mathematics into a CD and release it to the universe. , Politics, art, economy, and the ideal of immortality, I think throw it in the trash!Of course, logic, music, physics, and philosophy related to mathematics, I think they may be spared, and it’s okay to throw them out as an accessory to mathematics, and it’s not too embarrassing—this is the proof that human beings have a clear mind .As for throwing other things into the universe, it is a wild way of spreading family ugliness and dumping garbage. I don't agree with this kind of way. This is what I say in my heart. Unfortunately, I failed in mathematics and failed to rely on the essence of human beings. I had to do Brownian motion in the common life, messing around from one zero egg to another. The reason for this, I thought This may be due to the fact that I have been educated in idealism since I was a child, and I have acquired the habits of Beijingers, which made me either achieve great things or simply mess around. I can’t change it, not to mention others, but even I don’t like Kant. In the field of philosophy, he is a big man. He doesn’t bother to give examples when he writes philosophy books. He says it’s for professionals. People in the circle read it. As a layman, I read a few pages, and I was suddenly disgusted.If you are doing abstraction, why not do mathematics!Mathematics can be learned by everyone and understood by everyone, but old Kant just went around in circles in German, what four antinomies, what a mess!Use him to sum it up!Go try to solve the mathematical paradox!Unfortunately, after reading his biography, I also started to sympathize with him, and I found the answer!It's really not enough talent. Although he has written a lot of popular science books on natural science and tried his best to pretend to be enthusiastic about natural science, in fact, he can only do it as a hobby, because he has been bad at mathematics since he was young. Even worse than his classmates, maybe not as good as me, an unfortunate child who has to write thousands of pages of nonsense to engage in philosophy and criticism, but who would believe it?Kant spent his whole life in Kölnigsberg. Although he kept a low profile in his life, maybe he really knew what was going on in his heart, so he was not ashamed to make a fuss about it. 151 I have something to say about philosophy and mathematics. I know from the biographies of mathematicians and philosophers that any mathematician, when he is middle-aged, has exhausted his talents, and hopes to get money, beauty and fame, he can make a name for himself by engaging in philosophy, and then he will be a fool. , maybe even become a social activist, gaining both fame and fortune.But for a good philosopher, if he wants to switch to mathematics and make a small contribution, it is difficult!On this point, even Plato has become an unfortunate negative teaching material to confirm my point of view. This shows that, from the point of view of talents, mathematics does require greater talents. Of course, a great mind is also essential--not to mention writers!Goethe was still working hard in the trenches to study what "colourology"-now everyone knows how unsightly the dirty things he did, if Schopenhauer, who pretended to be an expert in natural science, wrote in his book Speaking of which, I simply did not know that Goethe was also an idiot. In short, I don't trust the works of idiots, and because of this, they are brought closer to me a lot at once. I found that there are too few people who tell the truth in the world, and I also found the reason. , are facing the same predicament as me, and the sorrow of the liar lies in one point in essence, that is-too poor ability! When I figured this out, I was a little surprised. The reason for the surprise is that, first of all, I have never seen such words in anyone's book. When talking about their abilities, most people avoid talking about the most disgusting A form of lying that is spoken of by a few, many of whom disgust me, because most of them boast of some kind of talent, and very few of whom speak of ideas, but with evasive and euphemistic euphemisms.Thinking about it, the reason is actually very simple. Not lying means to describe things objectively, but it is extremely difficult to be objective. For example, to say that a star is a small bright spot, for some people, even if they are not lying, Because at least he didn't say that the stars are a non-luminous body, but it is difficult to figure out what the stars are. If the telescope hadn't been invented, there might still be people who regard the stars as diamonds in the sky and wait for them. Fall down to make a windfall!Having said that, even with a telescope, it is still not easy to figure out what is on the stars, and it is even more difficult to tell the process of the stars' generation, development and destruction-maybe humans will be able to do this two thousand years later, but , what about people from two thousand years ago?They are obviously guessing wildly, but they seem to be serious, and they don't add three words-I guess. What's annoying is that no one said such a thing, no one said "I can't tell the truth because of my poor ability", but I saw a lot of people complaining about historical limitations and bad conditions Lah and the like, what is not sincere enough, completely wrong!They even roasted the person who told the truth on the stake, and I could smell the human scent from inside! 148 I know quite a few examples of nonsense, if not everywhere. In this regard, I would like to mention the ancient Chinese. For a while, I wanted to learn Chinese culture. There must be something worth seeing in 5,000 years, right?I bought a few ancient books, and when I looked through them, I found Lao Tzu. I saw him blustering nonsense like "Tao begets one, one begets two, two begets three, and three begets all things" without any proof or explanation. As if speaking some kind of truth, it was unbearable!What's annoying is that you can't figure out what he's talking about at all, whether it's about existence, mathematics, reproduction, or something else. In addition, Zhuangzi's ambition of Kunpeng also makes me feel like I'm in a fog, and I don't understand it. For this kind of perceptual type of people, asking them to add the word "because" after a judgment sentence or statement sentence is more difficult than reaching the sky. The expression is clearly saying, that's what I said, and that's what you are Listen, if you understand it, it’s mine, if you don’t understand it, it’s yours, if you love it, take it seriously, if you don’t like it, don’t take it, what is the way!What's even more exasperating is that there are still many believers in this type of person who feel that his words are unfathomable. In fact, as I said, only nonsense lies are unfathomable--speaking of which, I can't help but sigh, what kind of ancient Chinese philosophers, it's almost as good as saying that they are liars in ancient China. Of course, after reading a few ancient books, I felt at ease. Fortunately, I didn't have any attainments in Chinese studies. Otherwise, if I had been immersed in it for a long time, I might have no choice but to become a liar in contemporary China.To my relief, I pulled back from the brink in time and slammed on the brakes—in a word, in order to avoid bad education, I no longer spent money to buy such books for nothing. 153 Having said that, I have made up my mind, determined to become a director, and use this career to waste my life. However, even if I want to be a director, I don’t want to be a director. In other people’s words, it is called "you have to fight for it." , then fight for it.What is striving for?It is to compete with others to do filming.How to fight?I know the way. First, you have to have a script. Second, you have to make the producer, that is, the person who can get the money, think that your script is profitable, so that he will let you shoot the script. Come out, compared to ordinary directors, I think I have a little advantage, that is, I can write scripts, so it is easier to start, but at the same time, this is also my weakness. Directors generally do not write scripts themselves, and they have to learn from screenwriters or writers. I got the script, so the first step is to go straight to the topic. The topic I said is the word "cheat", first cheat the script and then cheat the money, cheating the script is equal to training before cheating money, and what about me?After writing the script, I will be caught blind, I don’t know how to get money, of course, I am not afraid of this, just take my time. 154 Just do it, I started to write a 20-episode series, and at the same time, I started to pull films, that is, to show some successful films frame by frame, so that I can clearly see the lighting, spatial relationship, character relationship, camera movement, and editing principles of the shooting screen. And all other trivial things related to shooting. I did this kind of thing when I started writing scripts. As I said, I am very good at self-taught for technical things. Small skills such as directing skills are really difficult. Don't tell me, isn't it just sticking to the story?In fact, no one knows their own story better than a screenwriter, and unfortunately, no one is worse at making money than a screenwriter, so when I first started writing a screenplay, I faced a strange dilemma, which was , What should I do after I finish writing?For this problem, my approach is not to think about it, let it go, and write it first. 155 Script writing seemed to start overnight. I wrote like crazy. I forgot to eat and sleep. I stayed up all night. I divided my life into two parts. One part was used to watch movies and the other part was used to write scripts. Apart from books about movies, I rarely Reading other books, my mind is filled with various plots, and sometimes I draw dozens of sketches for a play with a complex relationship between characters and space, to study how to shoot clearly, as I said, I I am good at playing games with myself, and I can be very interested without others participating. For a few weeks, I felt like I had some kind of fever, paranoid in the stories I made up, other than that, I was not interested in anything, that's it I wrote all the way down and finished 5 episodes in no time, I breathed a sigh of relief and stopped for a day, when suddenly I realized that I was working for a fantasy, even for Russell's one line, which is It's ridiculous, but once the ridiculous thing starts, I will feel that I have already paid for it and I can't stop it. I ask myself, is it okay to continue like this?What is the worst possible outcome?The worst result is that I will spend a year writing a script, but no one will let me shoot it, and no one will buy it. It will become a stack of 300 pages of waste paper. All of a sudden I became worried, and what was even more worrying was that my living expenses were exhausted again, and there seemed to be no way out but to go into debt. While I was writing my own script, I didn't want to take on the script, which would consume too much money. Lost my energy and time, but what about the money? 156 It was my parents who settled the matter. Two days later, I received a call from my father, saying that my mother missed me and hoped that I would go home and have a look. So I went home, and when my mother was cooking in the kitchen, I talked to my father about my recent situation, and my father listened quietly. After that, I opened the drawer, took out 3,000 yuan from it, and said to me: "From now on, you go home every month to see your mother, and you can take the living expenses from home." Then, my father gave me the money. , so as to pull me out of the fire pit. In my life experience, my father pulled me out of the fire pit many times. Sometimes it was 100 yuan, sometimes 200 yuan, sometimes 10,000 yuan. In short, many problems were solved.It's really an incredible thing, the fact that for some reason I always get help from home, it's something I don't want to do, but it keeps happening, over and over again Three, and precisely at those critical moments, it allowed me to live as I wanted, almost willfully, within a very small circle. Help, most of the time makes me feel deeply ashamed, I think it is very inappropriate, but there is no other way, the unconditional love of my parents makes me uneasy, but it makes me feel a strange security, yes, family , that is unconditional favor, that is where as long as the conditions permit, there will be everything. 157 When I came back after having dinner with my parents, I was full of pride and drove the car very fast along the way. In the dark, it seemed that everything was doomed. I had a thought, which soon became a wish. Realization is not important to me, the key is that for that wish, I will get busy, keep doing it, keep doing it, and fill up the time in my life, so that I can be called "enriched". As for What to do, how to do it, and whether it makes sense are secondary things. But, I know what I'm doing, I want to make a movie, I want to get out of the loneliness by doing a movie, I want to escape from the spiritual world, I want to blend in with the crowd, I want to get out of my study, I want someone to call me , Urging me to work, I want to meet people one after another, I want to talk to more people about the facts, instead of looking at stacks of books all day long, and the dictator talks non-stop. 158 In my concept, those who are willing to sacrifice their own interests when they conflict with others' interests are good people, those who live alone, work hard in secret, and successfully complete their work are good people, and those who live with People who match their identities and properly maintain their dignity are good people, but they have nothing good at them. People who criticize others, praise themselves as equals, and brag about themselves to others are bad people. They dare not blush without heartbeat People who accept compliments are bad people, and people who like unreal fame and wealth are bad people. Since the day I planned to be a director, I have privately determined that if I want to succeed, I must make up my mind to become a bad person. In fact, it is not easy to become a bad person, you have to find opportunities, you have to exploit, you have to talk big, you have to be hypocritical, you have to be disrespectful, and you have to be extremely cunning. This requires learning bit by bit. In short, this is a difficult road. It's no less difficult than being a good person. In my opinion, as a director, the sign of success is to get ahead, to grab fame and fortune, to get awards from film festivals, to make blockbuster films and earn a lot of money, to attract others’ attention, to make others love to watch them, in a word, to sensationalize , if he can successfully win the favor of the public, then he can be written into the history of movies, and the people in the history of movies, in my opinion, are mostly bad guys. Becoming a bad guy, I like to be competitive, I just have such a personality, I just have such a passion, let me tell you clearly, I am the kind of fool who would throw away all the money on me in order to be able to participate in the robbery ! 159 Maybe my decision was a mistake. I have been aware of this from the very beginning, but a wrong beginning often does not show the whole picture of the mistake. Whether it is right or wrong can only be revealed through the manipulation of fate. My script Going on, while I got a call or two from buzz, she asked me how I was doing, I know, other than that, she wanted to ask when she could be with me, buzz She was very sensible, and didn't make any demands on me, but just told me tactfully, if I passed by her, I would go and see her. I went to see her, we hadn’t seen each other for a month, Buzz suddenly saw me appearing in front of her, looking a little strange, I took her hand, let her sit next to me, and had a few words with her, As if on a secret signal, Buzzing acted coquettishly to me in the blink of an eye. She sat on my lap for a while, and hugged me behind me for a while. She pulled my hair to confirm that I was still the same The old monster who has been teasing her for more than a year, so Lai Jiner also came up, I took her out to eat, while she was eating, her eyes rolled around, observing my expression, to see if I would like to take her home, I asked her: "Do you have a rehearsal tomorrow?" "No, we have nothing to do this week!" Come back with me." "Alright! Alright!" Buzz said impatiently. 160 I drove the car, and Hum sat next to me. We first went to Uncle Sam’s fast food restaurant next to Dorset to buy 10 egg tarts. It was a small cake that Hum loved very much, and it was the most delicious of all pastries. The cheap one, most of what Buzzing likes to eat is very cheap. It can be said that she is not interested in luxury life, she likes the warmth of ordinary life. For her, staying in a small restaurant is different from sitting in a It’s the same in a big hotel, it’s just that the environment is different. Facing the 30 yuan a can of Coke in the restaurant, her evaluation is “not worth it”, which shows her simple and practical side, which is different from mine. The point of view is very consistent. Using luxury to elevate status, I think it is the embodiment of human vanity in the hierarchy. Those who go far in this respect are often those who are climbing, and "practical" is often regarded as poor. "Useless" is an aesthetic taste of a rich life. A vase of flowers is often placed on the dining table in an expensive restaurant, which not only occupies the place where the plates are placed on the table, but also makes the table look unsophisticated. But people like to make themselves think that convenience and inconvenience are of secondary importance, and that eating under flowers is different, and of course there is a careless loveliness in a life of affluence and leisure that seems to be granted superiority, unfortunately. Yes, to the poor, all paradise is closed, for lack of breeding and habits to match it, and generally the poor pride themselves on being conspicuous, because that makes them seem important, though they never really were .