Chapter 18 171-180

171 After entering the door, we went to the bathroom to wash our faces with hot water. My mind was agitated, and I remembered that Yuan Xiaochen came back from a business trip, so I asked her: "Hey, are you also with him this time on a business trip?" "What's the matter?" She turned her cleansed face and rushed towards me, looking weird. "It's okay, just ask me." My heart was already filled with an unknown fire, but I still pretended to be very natural on the surface. "That's my ex-boyfriend. It not only saves the monthly rent of 500 yuan, but also is an old acquaintance, and also saves you the trouble of pick-up and drop-off. Why not do it?"

"You really know how to calculate!" I couldn't help but reply. "Angry?" she asked happily, "or jealous?" She turned her face again, this time, she washed it clean, and I clearly saw a happy expression appearing on her face, it was a kind of complacency due to revenge. "What's there to be angry about, isn't it just the resurgence of old feelings? I understand." I said and walked out. "Hey, where are you going? It's time for you to wash your face!" I heard Yuan Xiaochen yelling from behind. 172 After that day, for some reason, I tried not to use everything she bought, because I always felt that she saved it from that room fee, and what I don't know is, after saving the room fee, did they save money? intercourse?I evaded this question, and just made love with Yuan Xiaochen less and less, and even if I did, it was violent and stopped halfway.

Maybe my attitude was noticed by Yuan Xiaochen. She was more confident and often attacked me by grabbing what she thought was my weakness. For example, she read a fashion magazine and carefully read a page of a jewelry advertisement. As usual, I would say that it was useless, and she told me as if she had already prepared it, telling me about the craftsmanship of that kind of jewelry, how famous the jewelry company is, and even one day, when I threw a handkerchief she used into the washing machine Sometimes, she actually said that she would take it for dry cleaning, how expensive that brand-name handkerchief was, who gave it to her, etc., and for example, she often said that I was older than her, but I didn’t make as much money as her , quite a kind of complacency that she has rare goods to live in, and said that when she buys a big house, let me also taste the feeling of living under the fence. We used to make these jokes, but for some reason, it sounds very harsh now. I think the main reason is It was Yuan Xiaochen's tone that changed when she was speaking, and she began to seriously enter a state of emphasizing herself, which made me find it ridiculous.

After listening to these words, I finally heard the irony. In summary, there are only four points, that is, I think I am old, earn little money, do not work hard, and have no future. What is annoying is that these four points come to the conclusion. The references are none other than herself and her ex-boyfriend. "Look at him, he's the same age as you. When I met him, we worked together in the company. We drove a Jetta just like yours. We paid in installments. Now it's worth 80 million yuan. I'll change it to a Porsche." I bought two cars, divorced my daughter-in-law and gave my daughter-in-law 10 million, if I break up with you, at most I can get a few books signed by you, which are about the experience of having sex with other girls!" One day, she was like this He spoke to me eloquently, and when he spoke, his cadence was ups and downs, and a strange pleasure was revealed in his tone.

"Sister, if you want to talk about rich people, isn't there a man named Bill Gates in the United States? He is as tired as a grandson all day counting money and properties. Class, is it annoying, I have a little free time and use it to calculate others, sign contracts and go to the market, is it low-level? Isn’t it a businessman?” I answered her like this. 173 However, in some respects, I really have to thank Yuan Xiaochen, she is the messenger of the commercial society, she is the one who reported the news of the coming of the commercial society to me, this society has become the world of businessmen from some date, office buildings with similar shapes In the book, one after another transaction contracts are flying all over the sky like snowflakes, which are full of clear provisions to protect oneself and harm others. It is the essence of a businessman's life. A kind of high-level life, the businessman competes with the cheated wealth and cheated power, forming the two most important forces in society, but all of these have nothing to do with most people, I understand it by reading history books, In people's limited decades, the states of dying struggle are different, but strength and scheming are two survival tools that the living particularly like. Many people set the pinnacle of life on being able to hold these two things, It's just a kind of animal fashion handed down from ancient times, in order to make one's own life appear more important in comparison with others. In fact, that fashion that is morally ambiguous has always disgusted me. It's unfair and boring to like people who take advantage of human weaknesses to beat others.I am like a person who is content to wander around the edge of his own graveyard. For me, life and death are the only two overriding realities, dreams and forces that matter, and the rest is just a tragicomedy. , even in taste, I don't like command and deal, I hate such a monotonous social phenomenon like this, looking around, all and always endless transactions, men trading with men, women trading with women, men Dealing with women, young and old, and the rules of the trade are just rhetoric or self-serving lies, and after all these years there's nothing new in society, just new deals, I know, in Here, even death can become a transaction, isn't there such a thing as life insurance?Are you bored?

174 For Yuan Xiaochen and all her complacency, I think I have to fight back, just like I fight back against the monotonous and dull survival value that this society can provide. To perish, throw my life into a kind of reckless mess, and let all the few people's tomorrows go to hell!Like most people, I have no tomorrow, no future, let alone hope. A tool of power and glory, I have no meaning anymore, and I don’t want to have the meaning they pursue. My dream is different from theirs. I stand in my dream, next to my own broken pot and bowl, not afraid at all Shabby, like a wild animal standing on a wasteland.

175 When Yuan Xiaochen was busy with her house, her future, her salary, and her high-quality everything, with a cynical dissatisfaction, I turned down all the work at hand and devoted myself to the party in a down-to-earth way. Even in Beijing, there are so many places to gather. Art exhibitions, art exhibitions, film premieres, and various news releases are held during the day and performances at night. Large theaters, small theaters, Peking opera, Kunqu opera, local operas, American blockbusters, Mafia movies, DV exhibitions, poetry readings, literature seminars, various rock performances, various wine games, various dinner parties, various gambling games, various game halls, and even physical exercise, playing ball and swimming, etc. There are so many of them, you can’t finish watching them, and you can’t finish hanging around. If you go once, they will ask you to go again next time. In short, I was busy running outside to hang out, and I spent surprisingly little time at home. At that time It is spring, and primroses are blooming one after another by the roadside. After the drizzle, the air is filled with a smell of earth, and the birds are dancing lightly on the branches, but I am wearing the stars and the moon, going in and out in one after another. A party, or a friend's house, often does not even carry a mobile phone, and its whereabouts are erratic.

This move made Yuan Xiaochen crazy. 176 But on the surface, Yuan Xiaochen didn't show any signs of expression. She watched me and tried me in a sideways way. One night, before she went to bed, I was going out to participate in a mahjong game, and she grabbed me at the door. "Want to have sex? It's fine if you don't." I heard her say dryly. "What do you eat and why do you talk like that?" "For people like you, there is nothing to say, just be simple and rude." "It seems that my answer has to be straightforward, lest you feel procrastinated."

"What's the matter? To hit or not to hit?" She undressed without looking back, while urging me in an impatient tone. "I really want to say no." "That said, I'm going to take a shower." "I want to say fight?" "Then wash it after it's done—I really want to ask what's the difference between staying with you and being a widow!" 177 After we made love, we came out of the shower separately. I got dressed and tried to go out. Yuan Xiaochen gave me a hard look and grabbed my sleeve: "Say a few words before leaving! I don't even think about it, how do you feel about calling me like that. "

"What do you feel?" "The feeling of a tool for catharsis." "Oh, me too." "roll!" "Then I'm leaving." "Come back to me!" I sit back on the bed. "What do you mean by coming up and sitting on the edge of the bed? You want to get out of my way at any time, don't you?" "No." I said, got into bed, and sat next to her. "speak." "Say what?" "Tell me about my shortcomings? Tell me." "Aside from the short pubic hair, I really can't find any shortcomings in you."

"Bah!" She spat in my face, then laughed, "Bah! Bah!" She spit two more, then wiped it off for me. 178 We chattered about, and for some reason, we talked about the first time between Yuan Xiaochen and her ex-boyfriend. At that time, she had just started working, and he was her boss. The boss offered to issue invoices for two rooms and save the rent for one room to her, so she shared a room with the boss. She lay on the double bed first, and the boss pretended to finish the last bit of work, and then lay down next to her, and then pressed on her. She continued to use her own unique and ordinary posture, and the boss tried to change it a few times. She just closed her eyes and said nothing, and finally the boss had to monotonously complete the white-collar romance he urged. "Don't say it, it's really a piece of material to be a boss. It not only satisfies his sexual desire, but also increases your income. It is enough to calculate. It really kills two birds with one stone!" I imitated Yuan Xiaochen's tone and said sourly, "You are now Is it the same?" I asked even more sourly. "Get out! You think everyone is like you!" "I don't put financial factors into my sex life, unless it's with a prostitute." "Who are you scolding! The reaction is so intense, are you jealous?" "I'm so jealous that I scold you, okay?" She shook her head, sighed, and said as if she was talking to herself: "I regret that I shouldn't tell you this. It was said in the magazine that you men are fragile! Hey, you can't be so innocent, can you?" "I'm a romance writer, not a writer of pure love. I'm also asking such low-level questions. Is there something wrong?" I answered her with a smile on my face. Then, when I went out, the half bottle of vinegar in my heart had already been overwhelmed. I was sensitively aware that even if I wanted to set up a line of defense against my cheating, to achieve balance and avoid harm, according to Yuan Xiaochen's character She will always be disconnected from her boss. I know from many years of experience that if you want a girl to confess her love affair, unless it is when they are determined to leave you, so don't ask this kind of question at all. 179 While driving, I recalled what Yuan Xiaochen said to me, and the tone she expressed when she spoke, and finally focused on the hints in her words, coupled with this paragraph of her behavior, the more I thought about it, the more I felt it was a kind of The blatant provocation, the more I think about it, the more I feel that she is crazy. Through the boundless imagination, I made myself so angry that my driving hand trembled, and a kind of idea of ​​fighting for strength came to me. I know that Yuan Xiaochen is not satisfied with me. It has been made public, and it is entirely because of the time It's just a matter of time, so what should I do?I decided to increase my capital and continue fooling around. This is the only way to make me feel balanced.Yet she is not gone, what does she hope for in me?She once said that finding a writer is quite cost-effective, which is equivalent to finding a housewife without spending money. After get off work, you can see that the house is clean, and sometimes there are cooked meals on the table, and you can earn money to support your family. There are many entertainments to make life not so dull, she wants me to be obedient and devoted to her, and she can do whatever she wants accordingly, such an interesting idealist, what do you think? 180 Let's go to a party, forget all your troubles in the crowd, a party is flirting and joy, a party is also a joke and chat, a party is still indulgence and venting, go, go to a party with friends, the more people the better, Everyone pools their money to meet up, because partying brings people out of solitary emptiness and boredom into collective emptiness and boredom, and that's the only back door, the only way to retreat and escape, because parties are so frequent and so long, because everyone So hopeless and fearless, because the party is everything.