Chapter 51 51

51 Chen Tian and I are sitting in a bar beside the Second Ring Road. We always choose places with a poor style and less popular places for cultural people to meet. This kind of bar usually only has instant coffee, and the lemon in the lemon tea is crinkled. A crumpled little piece, and the hot chocolate tasted weird too, but no way. I held a fax in a serious manner, and I was telling him about Hong Kong people's final revisions before the filming of "Little Sky".He leaned back in the armchair opposite, and raised his legs leisurely. "That's weird, you always look so quiet, is it because of the clothes you like to wear?" he said suddenly.

I glanced at him and continued reading the fax. "You know, you have the look of a lot of children. You look very young, only sixteen years old, seventeen at most." He continued to look at me from the opposite side. "Are you saying that as a producer, or as a boyfriend?" "As a boyfriend." He smiled. "Do you want to listen?" "You are always so small, what will you do when you are old? You are so old and small, you look too scary." "Don't worry, I won't let you see it until then." "I'm sure you won't see it. When you get old, I'm already dead."

"Hey!" "Okay, you go on." He always called me "kid", from the first time he saw me he called me "kid", he said he has a preference for me, what is his preference?He preferred girls with girly faces, comely, quiet, smart, girls who would never mature, grow up, dress up, be wives, be mothers.I'm nothing special, I'm just one of the many girly-faced women he's ever liked.I already knew this. I'm not sure what he'll think, like it or not?The first time we had sex, he brushed the hair off my face and looked at me in disbelief—"Is it still you?"

Later, Chen Tian confessed to me a little embarrassedly that the reason why he refused to go to bed with me was that he had another worry that he couldn't talk about. "I'm old, and I'm afraid that if I can't satisfy you, you won't like me anymore." His willingness to admit this surprises me, and it shows that he is not the type of man who believes that male authority is inviolable, enough to make people understand why he attracts women's love.He is not a sex machine, a brand new, powerful sex machine. Whether a person can satisfy you depends on how much desire he arouses in you. Chen Tian has never satisfied me, whether it is physically or mentally.

Deep emotion has never been about contentment, contentment can only belittle the emotion, making it mire in comfort, gratification, and self-congratulation.Love someone who doesn't love you, a prostitute, a homosexual, someone who can't satisfy you, so that you can feel more clearly the trauma of love, the pleasure without vanity, the satisfaction of security, and even the comfort of your body , only love, love that makes people feel physically and mentally painful. ——Suffocate your self-esteem, throw away the common norms of love, forget the standard model of happiness, peel off layers of calluses that dull the senses, naked, fragile and soft, only love is left, how much it hurts , is so beautiful that it changes the color of the sky, the shape of objects, and makes every breath have texture, and life becomes different from then on...

Chen Tian must think that I am a woman who loves sex in bed, just like the illusion caused by my quiet girlish face, this is another illusion.Those urges, trembling, screaming, and biting are just symptoms. What I long for and chase is another thing, which has a name called "passion".It is the most invisible, elusive, and unsearchable of all emotions, and the desires of the flesh are banal and boring by comparison.I can't describe the passion I felt in his arms, the thrill of even the slightest touch that made me cry, moved me to tears.It comes and goes, the same arm, the same body, the same lips, in what hidden corner is passion hidden, and opened by what sound, touch, hearing or touch?Never know.

I don't think I managed to make him understand that either in the end.