Chapter 14 04

This time I noticed that Daqing's face was strange - like a human being, he couldn't hide his emotions. In the room, everyone sat in silence.I felt in the air the sharp sound of china being smashed--I knew that as long as there was such a sound in the air, disaster was coming. I leaned close to my grandmother.She reached out and stroked my hair.I await dire news.Then my father gave a low, vicious curse.Mother couldn't help but rubbed her eyes.I had to ask, "What's the matter? What happened?" Grandma took me into her arms and continued to stroke my hair. The mother quickly answered: "Nothing, nothing—you can eat..."

I do not believe.But then everyone sat down at the dinner table.Can't swallow anything.Father ate the most, and he seemed to be the same as before. The next day, my grandmother said she would take me to the woods to pick firewood and pick mushrooms.Of course I am happy.This has not been done for a long time. It is too extravagant for two people to go to the woods.We haven't had a good time picking mushrooms and berries in the woods since my father came back, and my grandmother hasn't made honeydew... At noon on this day, my grandmother still didn't want to go home.We unknowingly walked into the depths of the jungle.I summoned my grandmother, who was just working with her head down: it was time to go home and eat.

But she said: Just eat here, you see I brought lunch.This is something that has never happened before - eating in the woods!Our hut is in the jungle, not too far from here!It was so exciting anyway, and I hugged my grandmother. I will never forget that lunch.There are salted fish cubes, pot cakes, rice porridge, and a lot of fruits—some brought here, and some randomly picked in the jungle... It was getting dark, and my grandmother was not in a hurry to leave.I reminded her: You can't get out of the jungle when it's completely dark.She said it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter.It was already dark as we walked back, and we almost got lost on the way home.The harvest was plentiful: a big bundle of dry wood, a big bag of mushrooms.

It was about eight or nine o'clock at night when we entered the courtyard gate.The courtyard was eerily quiet.I threw down the fagots and ran to the house, and my grandmother whispered: Slow down, slow down. The door was not closed, it was ajar.It turned out that Mom and Dad were not asleep. They sat on the edge of the kang, as if they were staring at the night.They deliberately did not light the lights.Are they waiting for me and my grandmother? "Mommy mommy……" Mom said nothing.I went to pull her hand and found that it was cold and stiff.I hugged her and she hugged me. A drop of tear fell down my face.I'm scared.

How quiet was that night! Somehow I made it through to dawn.I woke up feeling as if suddenly something was missing in the yard.Ah, it's the lack of Daqing's voice, it's the way it twists and turns running around the house!As soon as I rushed to the corner of the courtyard, there was its small nest... the small nest was empty! "Daqing! Daqing!" Father, mother, and grandmother stood at the door. "Where's Da Qing?!" The mother looked at the father, and the father snorted heavily: "Run away!" Mother turned and went back into the house. I looked around and realized that something was wrong with the yard: a layer of clean sand.In the past, this kind of sand was only spread after heavy rain, and it was done by the grandfather himself... I called Daqing loudly.No response.

At this moment, I could see that our yard seemed to have been shoveled and then sanded... I just felt like my body was burning like coals, and it was almost unbearable.I seem to understand something. ...It took me a long time to figure out the whole reason. It turned out that those who came to our house hated Daqing long ago.They said: It bites and must be killed.The mother did not know how much she paid for it, saying that it is such a sensible dog; it never bites; and living in the wilderness is no better than living in a village, and it is impossible to live without a dog.They ignore it.A few days later, a notice came saying: You must kill it within three days; if you don't kill it on the third day, someone will do it for you.The vicious guy was afraid that we would send Daqing away, so he emphasized: the dog corpse must be seen to count... Three days have passed.The day I went to the jungle with my grandmother was the fourth day.

The yard was splashed red by Daqing's blood.After the executioner left, my father scraped off the blood and brought sand... At that time, my mother could not get up. In my eyes, Daqing is a little sister or a little brother, who is like a brother to us.It knew too many stories about the thatched hut. Later, it was deeply immersed in the miserable atmosphere of the hut, and did not really enjoy it for almost a year. Someone actually killed a Daqing who was as naive as a child. From now on, I will never trust this world again.It will suffer evil, and the evil will be terrible. The white hair on the heads of my mother and grandmother grew rapidly.Soon, my grandmother died of illness...

I no longer had a unique interlocutor and had to be more silent.I dodge, run away, avoid everyone.The best place to go is the night dream, the depths of the jungle alone.I murmur in my own world, I desire, I recall, I hate and love. In front of the kind-hearted and impoverished peasants, I was ashamed.In front of those homeless people, I felt tormented.I dare not look at the white lamb, the clever puppy and the smooth pigeon for a long time... because I dare not think about their ending.All my life I've been guilty of not being able to save the kind and weak.I know that this guilt has formed my nature, that I am suffering from all-pervasive abuse.

This is my world, my own world.Who will come to the edge of this world to talk to me?No, it's always just the sound of my own breathing—quick and quiet...and across from me, in that filthy filth, some oily face is upturned, complaining that I'm "proud" !I am more than proud. ... The time for noble pursuit has come.I will always be proud.Yes, I'm starting to speak out about my contempt for you guys. After my mentor passed away, I was so overwhelmed with grief and despair that I could barely walk to my office.I began to look at the building with another eye.I know very well that I must get out of there as soon as possible, because the intolerable dirt has piled up.I accompanied my mentor to the end, and the mission was temporarily accomplished.

I should walk away, go somewhere a little cooler and get a breath of fresh air - I'm afraid of suffocating. Where to go?The first thing I thought of was to go to a place with a relaxed environment. What I envied most at the time was a certain unit that didn't have to work.Looking around, there are not many such units in the city, including several magazine offices.A friend contacted one. I noticed before that this magazine is still relatively serious, so I agreed to it. Looking at my choices now was another mistake.But it seemed natural at the time.On the one hand, I was eager to escape and settle myself down, and on the other hand, the kind of environment I needed didn't exist in the first place.I was still in a rather ambiguous period at the beginning of the choice, wandering between pain, hesitation and determination, and I still held a bit of illusion in the pursuit.

The head of the magazine is a lesbian in her forties, reserved and dignified. She looks only in her thirties. She is the second wife of the executive vice president of the college.She drinks tea from a magnetized cup, and works in a large shared office; she often discusses some problems encountered in daily life with everyone, giving people the impression of being kind, casual, serious and principled.There happened to be an empty table across from her, which was now my place. Every day I can smell the faint scent of lilac from her body, she probably used that kind of scented cosmetics.She is a very clean and neat woman, and she is really meticulous in her grooming.She is slightly fat and fair, with dark eyes that look like a baby's. She usually likes to eat snacks. She often eats some Xinjiang raisins, pine nuts, and dried plums at work, and passes some over every time. Compared with the original boss, I think she is much better.Working in such a unit, it’s okay to be a little tired.Originally, the magazine stipulated that I go to work on 136, but I am willing to come here every day.What is different from the past is that now I have to participate in the discussion of layouts, manuscripts, cultural and technological trends and art, etc., which is fresh and flexible.This is very much to my liking.Soon, I edited and published my mentor's posthumous works-those touching poems by myself.Our magazine has a literary and artistic section, which was previously run by the editor-in-chief, and now I will take over. Compared with the 03 Institute, the welfare of the staff of the magazine office is not as good, but it is also quite good.In addition to paying wages on time, each editor also has shift fees, editing fees and rewards for good manuscripts.There are more than 20 people in the entire magazine, with an office building, a dormitory building, and four cars. They are financially independent.Since the circulation of the magazine has been stable at 200,000 copies for several years, it is very ample.Later, the circulation of various serious newspapers and periodicals was squeezed by TV and popular books, and the number dropped sharply, and our magazines also maintained a limit of 100,000.In this way, the economic benefits are still very good.In addition, this magazine has always been paid by the government, so it focuses on social benefits. Even if the circulation drops to a few thousand copies, the salary of the staff is still not a problem. Editor-in-chief Liu Meng often told us her husband's opinions on the publication, which made me know that she valued men's opinions very much.Every time she asked everyone to share that special joy: "He was serious about it, and marked with a pencil any punctuation that was wrong; and he marked what should be used. He said the illustrations were too sloppy. ..." I took a closer look and found that except for "sloppy illustrations" which was absolutely correct, everything else was wrong. She pays special attention to collecting reactions from the society. If it is a leader's opinion, she will call everyone to discuss it.All the people in the magazines are very courageous, and even dared to present some sensitive manuscripts in front of the editor-in-chief, and she signed them off as soon as she was happy.I found that she spent a long time on the phone with some leaders, spoke very casually, and occasionally interjected: "No!" "I won't!" "I don't care!" Of course, this is not a bold rebuttal , the person on the other end of the line will never be annoyed. Thanks to Liu Meng's relationship, our magazine saved the day several times—some manuscripts were of course intended to offend people, and some were reported to the boss, who then picked up the phone and went directly to Liu Meng.Liu Meng argued hard, spit out a few "no" from time to time, and the problem was solved. Liu Meng is an indispensable figure in the magazine.I think her only shortcoming is that she is easily influenced, and she doesn't have any fixed opinions in her heart.But she is indeed not a bad person, kind and simple, and her mentality is definitely not like that of a forty-something.A male editor in the same room, about 30 years old, with very thick hair, seemed to be able to restrain Liu Meng.There was nothing Liu Meng could do about what he didn't want to do.The male editor has a very bad temper. Once I was a little late for work, and when I walked in, I found him throwing a water cup on the ground, and Liu Meng’s face was turned out of the window.I sat down, and Liu Meng was still standing in front of the window, taking out a handkerchief with one hand.Then she turned around and I saw the red eyes - she was crying! I was slightly surprised. She tried her best to look like nothing was wrong, and immediately asked me with a smile, what happened to Feng Er's painting of nudes?My least favorite thing to keep up with is the swarm: Almost every magazine now features naked and semi-naked women.She said: "Our family is more liberated this time. He said that the human body is beautiful. What's wrong with that? Don't be too conservative. I'm relieved..." I don't think this has anything to do with "conservative".This is actually a kind of pandering, which has nothing to do with real bravery.Relying on something, Liu Meng likes to play the role of a warrior of ideological emancipation, saying what others dare not say, doing what others dare not do, but deep down she is very willing to please others.She didn't hold on to anything in the real sense. This is what I can see at a glance. Liu Meng will be accepted in two aspects: the upper class and the folk.After a long time, I finally understood that the relationship between the male editor and her was extraordinary: they went on business trips together, attended pen meetings together, worked night shifts, and so on.She sometimes looked at each other with very youthful eyes, and it was often a short glance.And the old vice president was very affectionate with her, and he used her own car to pick him up every time. She also treated the old president like a big child. Once she discussed with me about "porcelain eyes".I don't want to mention him, so she talked alone: ​​"We all know that guy is terrible in that aspect. He's like a beast. I hate this kind of person the most. Once in a meeting, he held my hand and wouldn't let go. Look straight at people with your eyes... He is still an old friend of ours! What a joke, his evaluation of you will not disturb us at all, I know his virtue. Of course, the matter of men and women is also You can’t make such a big fuss like in the past—the key depends on whether there is genuine affection, that is, whether the relationship is deep or not. If two people really..." She picked up the magnetized cup and drank tea, but there was no more to say. It's a pity that such leisurely days will soon pass.About the second year I joined the magazine, there was a lot of rumors about the self-support and self-financing of the publication.Liu Meng asked everyone not to panic, saying that no matter what he was, the only remaining publication in the city that was subsidized by the government had to be us.Everyone believed her words. Sure enough, several self-replenishment meetings for publications were held in the city, and many publications were crossed off the subsidy list, while our publications remained the same.Everyone breathed a sigh of relief for a while. In the spring of the third year, there were again rumors that the publications would save themselves, saying that the government would step up reform measures, push all kinds of publications into the free economy, and cut off all subsidies.I think this time it might be true, because the male editor has already been entrusted by Liu Meng to set up a "foundation".He has almost stopped working normally, and has been driving around in a special car. The little female typist in the agency is at his side, known as the "female secretary".We asked the editor-in-chief about the future of the publication, and she said, "I've found the boss above, and it's fine." The male editor became more and more busy, and he began to go to the far east to make money, and formally proposed that the car should be equipped with a wireless phone.Liu Meng agreed.She had always wanted to install such a phone, but she was reluctant. The foundation is progressing slowly, and Liu Meng said that it is difficult to do anything now.She held a meeting to arrange the work, especially emphasizing the "revenue generation" issue of the magazine, saying that although our publications are fine, we still have to beware of "cooking without rice", and asked each of our editors to care about economic issues, think of ideas, and come up with methods; The regulations allow everyone to discuss: the kickback for the person who has a significant benefit in "income generation"-that is, how much of the total sum belongs to him?She said that this was strictly prohibited before, but if the situation becomes serious, this issue cannot be controlled by others, it is related to the life and death of a magazine! "Saving the publication is saving the future!" A beautiful and solemn aphorism—where did it come from?It wasn't like her language, or that of her chubby limp old man. I am very clear in my heart that our magazine is different from other magazines in that it has a strong material foundation and has received strong support from above for a long time, and the number of orders has remained high until now; plus advertising costs, self-insurance should be no problem.The long-term plan is right, but in such a panic, sharpening the knife and offering a reward seems a bit alarmist.If we hadn't spent so much money in the past, the foundation would have been done.Everyone has to earn and earn, compare those serious magazines that barely maintain the basic salary, and compare those companies that have not been able to pay wages for a long time. We are really ashamed of making money like this.Why do we have to distribute a lot of money for such a shallow and not evil publication? I know that her real fear is not that the publication will not survive, because there is no such danger; her fear is that she will not be able to distribute the money as she likes in the past. Of course there are magazines that are really in danger of the economy, but most of them are really serious and pure publications; and our city does not have such publications for the time being. The male editor's status was already special, but this time he was even more defiant.Relying on his thick hair, he has dated many immoral girls.More than once a girl came to her with tears in her eyes, telling her luck and misfortune.If Liu Meng was present at such a moment, the entire magazine would be in chaos.She would change from her usual quietness and gentleness, scolding people loudly, thumping upstairs and downstairs... She was so busy for a long time that she could not sit down and drink tea until the little girl slipped away.Her face was dripping with sweat, and she said that in this day and age, everything can happen, and she can't tell what she is! "Did you see her? Even the toenails are dyed blue! " The hairy man didn't come to the unit once for ten days and a half months, and he brought the tiny female typist around like flying.One day when he came back, Liu Meng immediately took the opportunity to lock him into the back room and yelled, "Talk about it, it's time to talk about it!" Soon there was a commotion inside.The male editor's voice was frighteningly loud, and after a while he made an aggrieved nasal sound.Then there was a silence, worryingly quiet.Thankfully there was a voice again, it was Liu Meng's weak but firm voice: "No! No! ..." More than half an hour later, the two came out amicably.The hairy man saluted me and others, and said to Liu Meng, "I'll go first, editor-in-chief!" and went downstairs. Liu Meng frowned slightly and said to herself: "This person, alas, it's not easy..." But no matter what, Liu Meng's dissatisfaction with him still increased significantly.First of all, he thought that he would not come back in time after leaving, and then there were "too many famous places", "famous places" probably refers to those colorful things.So as long as she catches the male editor, she has to wear it hard once.In the end, there was one person who lost his temper, and that was the little female typist.She was usually silent, but now she suddenly became brave, and when the editor-in-chief was muttering alone, she pursed her lips and let out a "hum".Liu Meng put down the glass with a bang, "What are you humming?" Liu Meng almost jumped up.Everyone stopped what they were doing.The three words "eating and squatting" are too exciting, and it is obvious that most of the people who edit manuscripts in the office are pointed at.It's as if we're not doing business.Liu Meng pointed to the typist and said: "What do you know? If you talk nonsense again, I will stop your job!" The little typist stooped and hid in the back room. Liu Meng sighed, and looked around: "You guys go out and run around when you have time, look for ways, and no one can monopolize it!" The whole day was tense and everyone was very unhappy.I understand: here too the last bit of stillness is over, and we begin to walk into the hustle and bustle. The quarrel between Liu Meng and the hairy man only happens occasionally, and they still get along generally happily.Several times, the editor-in-chief personally went out with him to solicit sponsorship and discuss projects, and when he came back he was beaming: "He is a genius in this area, he is quick to contact people, and he is quick to get to the point. Our magazine will rely on him from now on...Little monster! " The impromptu nickname just expressed her uncontrollable excitement and happiness.Now everyone called the male editor a "little monster".In fact, he is thick and tall, and has nothing to do with "small".There is really a small and strange person beside him, and that is the female typist.She couldn't sit in front of the typewriter anymore, she was running wild, with a pager hanging on her waist, plus she was small and small, she looked really strange.Liu Meng told: Dealing with entrepreneurs has to be patient.Once when they were drunk, they lifted the little typist into the air as soon as they raised their hands... The relevant parties finally sent a stern notice: starting from the second half of the year, all magazines will terminate financial allocations and implement self-financing.And pointed out that this is an important measure to implement a market economy. Liu Meng jumped up, and everyone patted the table. "This is a drudgery! This is reckless!Put us in the same pot with dirty tabloid magazines!No, I have to settle accounts with them..." She immediately dialed out the phone, but she couldn't get through after several calls, "Damn it, other publications must be arguing too, what's the arguing about?They usually know how to mess around, but now..." She ran away in a hurry.There was no sign of her for several days.After finally showing up in the office again, I was extremely tired.I have deep sympathy.At least on one point she was right—terrible squandering was spreading throughout the city, people were insanely pursuing material comforts, and hundreds of thousands of luxury cars were packed in this barren land—in In rural towns, a small unit commander and even a company commander of the militia have all sat in a high-end car, and some dirty bastards have already sat in an ultra-luxury car with an emergency inflatable cushion... just take a wheel out of a car Could feed a serious magazine and they're determined to stop paying.This is a move that is difficult for any hopeful nation to make, and it is madness under the impact of material desire. Under such circumstances, a large number of obscene books will inevitably emerge... Who will bear the responsibility for the collapse of a nation's culture? That day is not far away. After Liu Meng was exhausted, she sighed softly: "Oh, everyone has their own difficulties. No matter how expensive the money is, the country has to take care of the big ones, and we have to be considerate. There is no way, I have to think of a way, as long as I actively think of a way, the magazine will not only It can be done, and it can be done better..." My heart went cold, and all my sympathy was gone immediately.Her nature is to be carefree and compromise, and she is easy to be persuaded.She couldn't see the nature of the whole problem, the brutality, irresponsibility, and ignorance in it.She was quickly appeased, and she looked like a little daughter-in-law who had just gambled again. Then the publication naturally became "vulgar" - so-called "entrepreneurs" entered the room one after another, with photos, long articles, and portraits of people holding phones on the cover and back cover... The pictures and texts of vulgar and quasi-yellow, lying, flattering, Marriage advertisements, everything is available... The turbid current flooded the editor's small table.Little typist just at work after third miscarriage, so weak and so happy, wringing between desks, shouting, "It's long overdue!  …" I really wanted to grab her and throw her downstairs.She weighs more than 30 kilograms at most, and I can throw her several meters away with a wave of my hand. The foundation has a very "promising future". Liu Meng reported to everyone: Now the signs are very good. If this continues, we will not be afraid even if we lie down and play.In addition to the foundation, there is also the income of the journal itself-through the reform of the editorial policy, the surplus is about three times that of the past! "No wonder the superior let us go into the sea, it is forcing us to use our brains and learn to swim. We are not afraid of this first; the second is to be able to win the battle! Right! Right?!" Holding the magnetized water glass, she looked around one by one, and finally her gaze rested on my face.I looked at each other and found that she had changed in just one moment: her facial muscles were deformed by the desire to swell her face, and her whole person looked strange and ugly. This was simply not the Liu Meng of the past. "You should also go out for a walk more often. Once you are a stranger and you are acquainted twice, you will get used to it after a long time. I was embarrassed at the beginning..." I understand this is speaking to me alone.What did she encourage me to do?Of course it was about making money, but she said it so stupidly that at first I thought she was talking about some other career of hers.The same fat woman holding a water glass stood here not long ago and said, "Saving the publication is saving the future!" It seems that she is determined to ruin the "future" this time.In fact, she never figured out what "the future" was, and all her discussions about it were just another fashion for a shallow, sharp-tongued woman.Take her too seriously and she will fall for her.In this world, not everyone has a heart, and a considerable number of them are "hollow people". At night, I lay in the dormitory for a while, and I was so sad that I couldn't sleep.I thought over and over again of the ○3 "Porcelain Eyes", and the last days of my mentor...all of this will never be forgotten.At that time, I left angrily, determined to walk out of a gloomy building, let the sun blind my eyes... I was walking on the street, looking around like a wanderer, I really didn't expect to end up in another ghost place! Stars twinkle outside the window.I stared at the jewel-like stars for a long time, and wondered in my heart: Why is there such a bunch of dirty people busy under such a beautiful starry sky? It's kind of weird; it's such a scary existence... I've been looking at the stars—is it really the same starry sky that I was looking at as a child?I dare not think about it. The stars in my childhood seem bigger and brighter than they are now. They are low-hanging, and they want to get close to everything on the land: grass, bushes, carnations and irises.The stars have receded for more than thirty years--struck by strands, with regrets of disappointment--and the earth and everything in it has failed them; they were right.Everything here is about to be abandoned by the starry sky, we will have no light, and sink into the chaotic, pencil-like darkness... It's dawn, but I still don't want to get up.I began to feel cowardly and disgusted with that magazine.My head hurts and I think I'm sick. I was sick for a long time and didn't go to work for more than ten days.Liu Meng came, and the small satchel on her shoulder was as big as a fist, which looked infuriating.A person can actually carry such a small satchel, what absurd things can't be done?She sat on the edge of the bed, stretched out her hand to try my head, and said, "How pitiful!" The scent of lilacs gushed out from her body again... Such soft palms, such fine fingernails, what can I do? it is good?Why do you want to do those "once and twice familiar" activities? "Recover well, try to go to work early, there are many things waiting for you." She encouraged, asked, and cared constantly.It seems that the magazine is in a very relaxed phase, she has the leisure to spend so long in my poor little dormitory, and she laughs a lot. she left.Then the accountant came to the door again, and he sent me this month's salary and allowance.The subsidy was several times higher than the salary at once, and a dark pile was placed beside the bed.The money is very dirty. ... For more than two years, I have been in a state of ambiguity.I know, I'm approaching a painful decision. During this period, I experienced a lot, such as getting acquainted with Meizi, and the few songs I wrote...Meizi greatly offset my pain, and she and I had a fiery and stable life similar to ordinary people.But I couldn't keep the pain engraved in my heart out of the cabin.I said to Meizi: I want to leave, leave.She asked me to leave the magazine?I said yes, but... maybe, I'm leaving anyway - I feel compelled to leave.I will look back on everything I have experienced in a new, slightly distant land... It is a bit late, but it must be. This idea gradually became firm and clear.But to realize this idea, it is really too difficult. At that time, the wind of resignation swept the city, and sometimes even got some kind of inexplicable encouragement.I bid farewell to the city officially.Because I have discovered that vineyard through my business trips to the east in the past few years.A certain all-or-nothing mood sustained me and made me more determined.My father-in-law stopped me with unprecedented severity, but in the end I prevailed.He thought I was "out of the ranks," as in the war years, a "deserter."I said no, this is "enlistment", it is going to the "front line"...of course this is Meng He - I am far from being on the "front line".I just haven't forgotten the "Frontline" and I'm happy if I'm on the road to the "Frontline".When the dirt is buried in my throat, my first reaction is to jump out.For me, and for anyone who does not want to die, there is no choice for the time being. ＊＊＊ Master Hu, at midnight in this quiet vineyard, I really want to have a long talk with you again.That conversation will remain in my mind for a long time.I need to see your silver hair and your smile, your big black pipe.As a regrettable student, I first left my major, and then left the academic circle and work unit, and returned to such a desolate place... I justified myself and our kind of people in front, pointing out that The long-standing, inevitable and confrontational glory.What I want to say now is that this place is ten thousand times cleaner than the place I left: if it comes to business and knowledge, this place is also ten thousand times deeper and more real than that place in the broad sense and in essence.My opportunities to grow here are far greater than there, and I will definitely travel from here one day. In the story about Bai Lao, you are also a character, an intervener.So you didn't have any doubts and misunderstandings at that time.But with regard to "Porcelain Eyes", my mentor, my mentor's mentor, and the ○3 Institute, you have not shown such clarity.This is because there is no empathy.You are somewhat underestimating the seriousness of some of the parallels in this day and age.But I want to reveal and record again and again the ridiculous and cruel "similarities" brought about by the exhaustion of imagination in an era. The ridiculous "similarity", the ironic "similarity", the "similarity" that makes people bleed and cry!It is these repeated and roughly similar stories that have sunk one after another of our pure and simple brothers and mentors into the abyss. On this small plain, I was lucky enough to collect stories about King Qin’s East Tour and Xu Fu thousands of years ago—this story is well-known to everyone, who in the big China doesn’t know that there is a person named Xu Fu?Who doesn't know the story of him taking the elixir of life and never returning? Xu Fu is a survivor, he escaped too fast. In fact, the best way to treat those thinkers is to ravage them.Ravage has always been better than killing, and it is possible to turn decay into magic. Those "similar" stories are stories of devastation. I am in this vineyard, enjoying a time different from the past.I chewed those stories, sorted out the ins and outs, and only looked at one type of people in meditation, and felt their eyes.This gaze pierced through the distant time and space, still so vivid and warm! ... Out of your concern for students, you have been worried about my future: what should I do if this continues? Looking at the world before me, I often sigh like you... what to do?what to do?I leave, leave again, leave.People eventually have to leave.But one cannot evacuate with surrender.That's all I think about when I leave. I'm not afraid of anything, I'm only eager to join effectively.I didn't evade, I despised the raging turbidity.Sometimes this departure is necessary.It stems precisely from a longing.I can't bear it, this "can't" not only makes me fall in, but also makes me leave. I judged, recalled, and searched for my origin.It is impossible for me not to maintain this state in the turbulent confluence of the times.Sometimes I am like an orphan—an orphan of an era; sometimes I am like a man who takes care of the old and the young.I felt prematurely aged and strangely stuck in my childhood.who am I?what is itWhere am I?A similar confusion haunts me from time to time, making me afraid... So from the beginning, and from now on, my whole life, I will focus on one of the most common and basic questions: my position.When more and more people are ashamed to talk about their position, I want to bite it in the depths of my heart until it bleeds. I have been away from this plain for almost thirty years.This is tantamount to leaving the mother.Lost the most reliable protection, injured and bleeding.I returned with a disability, cuddling tightly. Lost for too long and too long, my mother is also getting old.Facing the ragged mother, that kind of pain is the real pain.The last and earliest source of dependence, love and pity has now become like this.Who could bear to look at his mother's desolate and fiery eyes? O my plain, I touch you, I cling to you.But the blood on my body hasn't healed yet, and I'm going to welcome you again.The dangers around my mother piled up like a mountain, this is my mother! I got up early in the morning and went to the field, trying to get my feet close to yesterday's green grass and kudzu vines.They are gone, withered away ten years ago.Now there are more thorns, lichens that have sucked green juice and turned golden.The soft filaments of the lichen are reminiscent of the long claws of an octopus with suckers.They suck the earth poor, and they still suck, suck, have they ever pitied the earth? What about the emerald green water?What about the clumps of bushes?The humming poplar forest, pine forest and Qinggang wood have been buried by undulating sand dune chains.The flock of sheep as white as clouds is gone, and there is not a single eagle in the gray sky. There are quite a few sparrows, but none of the more respectable birds have disappeared, such as egrets, wild geese, magpies, and pheasants... It is said that they have become very few in number and have hid in safer places. There are more gunmen now, and they're shooting at my plains.They all poured in from other places, and each of them had an oily face, which was disgusting to watch.There are also local people who are born and bred, but most of them are not the children of good families, but the prodigal children who have been infected with bad habits since childhood and wear little flower jackets like foreigners.They lead the way for ambitious outsiders, act as spies, and graciously point out where there are water sources, mineral deposits, fruits, fertile soil, and where there are flower girls.They offered their sisters with their own hands to receive a string of oily coins. In order to drive cars and trucks into the deepest part of the beautiful beach, they built asphalt roads.These roads are like black veins through which all treasures are emptied.They want everything, as long as they get money.So the local people were surprised to find that truck after truck of sand had been transported away, leaving patches of potholes everywhere on the big beach.大海涨潮时，这些坑穴又给灌满了盐水，于是仅有的一些植物也死掉了。洁白的沙子是构成海滩最基本的东西，是我们立足的根据。于是我们不难发现，有人存心要移动和毁坏我们的根本。 How to do it? 我终于发现自己无法撤离。我从学院到○三所、再到杂志社、平原……这原来都不是撤离，而是转移。 一生都只能转移。这是我独特的命运。我守住自己的命运了。 我在午夜难以入眠时，想得最多的就是：这片平原到底是谁的？法律上对此是怎样界说的？又是谁制定了法律？好像有人指出这平原这广阔的海滩不是我们的——"我们"指大多数人，即平常一群群在野地里奔忙、皮都晒焦了的那些人！——他们说它属于谁也没见过谁也说不清模样的奇特怪物。它不是一个人、一个可以把握的具体之物，而像传说中的"黑煞""山麓"一样，远远地吓人。 看来在这片平原的真正归属解决之前，我们就不会得到安宁。 ＊＊＊ ……您对我几年来的激烈言辞都原谅了。但从未真正赞同过。这既使我不安，又让我迷惑。因为我所说的一切在我看来都简单明了。您一再强调的意思常常是：也许你说的都是真的，都有道理，但仍然还是要学会宽容——再宽容一些吧！ 您不断重复的这些归结性的话使我失望极了。我开始觉得有一种无法走近无法沟通的痛苦。这一回它那么真实地告诉了我…… "宽容"——多少次听人这样说了呢？他们好心好意劝导我，让我领会和运用。据说号召"宽容"的人一辈子都不会错，所有品行高贵的人都善于劝导别人"宽容"，讲"和为贵"。但我逐一分析后发现，他们在劝说别人"宽容"时，从来没有涉及到信仰问题。也就是说，在最需要表现出宽容精神的地方，他们是绝不谈论它的。 实际上他们悄悄地换掉了一个概念。他们在讲忍耐和妥协，甚至公然主张与污流汇合。 我有一种被侮辱被欺凌的感觉。因为在频频侵犯中我已遍体鳞伤血迹斑斑——也许这血汁流了不止一人一代而是一家一族——有人却劝我承受、顺从，或直接跪下。这太不公平了。 对于好人，您这样的长者或朋友，我才愿意指出这种不公。而对于另一类，我就要毫不客气地指出他们的卑琐和虚伪。他们指责别人"不宽容"，自己却时刻准备加入丑恶势力。 他们的理由是：既然你如此地"不宽容"，就不要怪我不客气了。我几乎能听到他们唰唰挽衣袖的声音。 在那个口吃老教授的儿媳跪着死去、在我可爱的导师吐血而去、在大山里孤单的地理教师倒于雪地……这样的时刻，是谈"宽容"的时候吗？我不明白他们为什么那么喜欢这个词儿。我怀疑他们在用这一独特的方式为自己不够磊落和体面的昨日辩解？ 那些流血的时刻，言必称"宽容"的人又在哪里呢？ 原来"宽容"是一个陷阱，你一不小心踏入了，就会被吞噬。 我绝不"宽容"。相反我要学习那位伟大的老人，"一个都不绕恕"！ 不会仇恨的人怎么会"宽容"呢？宽容是指宽阔的心胸有巨大的容纳能力，而不是指其他，特别不是指苟且的机巧。 那些言必称"宽容"的人还是先学会"仇恨"吧，仇恨罪恶，仇恨阴谋，仇恨对美的践踏和蹂躏。仇恨有多深爱就有多深，仇恨有多真切爱就有多真切。一个人只有深深地恨着那些罪恶的渊薮，才会牢牢地、不知疲倦地牵挂那些大地上的劳动者。他们已被太阳炙烤着，像茅草一样，数也数不清——记住了他们才算真正的宽容。 在这个时代，在人的一生，最为重要的，就是先要弄明白自己是谁的儿子？ 这是一个寻找和认识血缘的、令人惊心动魄的过程。它绝不是生而知之的，它的认识有时需要付出半生或一生的血泪汗汁。每个人出生后都将跟从，都将被认领；如此他才不会背叛，才会有个立场。