Chapter 8 Vineyard: 6-9

Tingsheng: I don't have a picture of you, but I think about your appearance every day, thinking about every detail in the few hours we met.You actually entered my life without any effort, and I don't understand myself: Why is my heart that doesn't accept others easily, why I don't defend myself against you alone? I want to fly across thousands of mountains and rivers to see you, and I want to study all day in your hut. In the days away from you, I always feel bewildered.Imagining the reunion with you, my heart is full of complicated feelings of not knowing what to do.Lozanov said: "Love means I can't do without you, I'm sad without you, I'm lonely without you. This is an external description, but it's also the most accurate. Love is by no means fire (as people describe it), Love is air. Without it, there is no breathing; with it, breathing is easy. That's it." I like this description in its simplest and most profound way.This is exactly how I feel at the moment.

Are you someone worthy of my life?Do you still remember what I said in your hut that night-"If one day I lose my job, I will come to you and be your secretary." At that time, why didn't you give me a clear answer? ? Here is a newly written poem for you - "Eliott's Wife".This poem is written very sadly, because the marriage between Eliot and Vivienne is a tragedy in itself; and I hope our encounter is a good beginning. lover sleeps in trouble and i can't comfort him madhouse awaits The arms of black iron are endlessly cold love is beyond doubt but the moon is too cold

I must wrap my shawl and head back to the porch The beauty of dead leaves is too quiet wasteland is boiling i can't see he whispered Slowly descend and I went too far scream like two firefoxes When the heavy snow covered the footprints of the forerunners i love so much but it is not enough kiss touch hug laugh and lust are not enough because Lovers don't want to be crazy with me who will be forgotten who will be recited forever who will stubbornly return home who created the world unable to live in dark gleaming balcony I no longer fabricate crying and astonishment

me and my love Will spend the rest of my life in front of the raging fire To be a poet's wife, to be a writer's wife, the first thing you need is giving -- giving of love, giving of sincerity, giving of tears and sorrow.Moreover, the amount of sincerity, tears and sadness that will actually be paid will be several times that of many women's initial imagination. So, Eliot's wife Vivienne is crazy.In Eliot's pen, Vivienne is described as a "variable and creepy painted ghost".Unable to bear the cruelty of her husband for eighteen years, the poor woman ended her life in a madhouse.In the past, Eliot and his writer friends have described Vivienne as a retarded, eccentric, difficult woman.In a recently published biography in English, Vivienne finally revealed her truer side. She is pitiful and sympathetic. Many of the poems in the book were written by her to help Eliot.

Even if the husbands themselves were not eccentrics, their identities as writers and poets often brought the family a turbulent, impoverished life.Can the wives take it?Most of them had no choice but to give up their wives halfway, such as Wang Yingxia to Yu Dafu, Hu Yinmeng to Li Ao. And I won't give up.Once I make my choice, I will have no regrets for the rest of my life.The ancients said: "There are no heroes in the world, who will talk about miracles? There are no heroes in the world, who will die with romance?" Poverty and embarrassment are not terrible, what is terrible is mediocrity and triviality.If we live in a mediocre and uninteresting age, the meaning of life will be elusive.

The death of Wang Xiaobo made me sad for a long time.There is always a collection of essays by Wang Xiaobo next to my bed. In the book, Wang Xiaobo's tall figure and exhausted demeanor make me feel uncomfortable every time I look at it. Fortunately, I met you again, just like a small boat that is about to capsize meets a warm harbor. Can your soul forgive me? Can your chest accept me? Ning Xuan October 24, 1999 Ning Xuan: A star is looking for another star, because in the vast sky, every star is lonely. A star is looking for another star, using their light and life.If they do not shine, they will live forever.They glow, and they may be lost in an instant.However, in order to find another planetesimal, they still have to shine.

Ning Xuan, that night, when you said that you would join me and be my "secretary", my heart was ecstatic, but I didn't dare to answer you in a "presumptuous" way.For a while, I couldn't figure out whether it was a sentence you said "intentionally" or just a joke. At that time, I really should boldly answer you. Ning Xuan, I finally found you, how lucky I am!So, all the suffering we have suffered in the past immediately becomes insignificant.Come to think of it, there are many people in the world who are born alone and die alone like Emily.They never found their lover in their whole life.And we have been wrapped in happiness, just like babies in the womb.

You mentioned Wang Xiaobo many times in your letter.I like some of Wang Xiaobo's works very much, but I don't like the cynicism behind most of his words.In my opinion, cynicism is a double-edged sword. When you stab your opponent, you will also hurt your own life.This is a topic worthy of our in-depth discussion. Chinese cultural people, regardless of their elegance and vulgarity, are more or less sneering. Mr. Lu Xun is a master of cynicism. He struggled with cynicism all his life, although he still didn't get rid of it in the end. But some other well-known writers and scholars are obsessed with cynicism without knowing it.Qian Zhongshu's sarcasm is a roll of tobacco leaves wrapped with exquisite knowledge and elegant taste; Wang Xiaobo's sarcasm is a cocktail made of black humor and "Cultural Revolution" blood and tears; It is a bowl of Beijing miscellaneous sauce noodles with meat and vegetables, red and green, which makes people confident in the "good life".

I don't like Qian Zhongshu's mentality of a smart person who looks down on the world, nor does I like Wang Shuo's rogue thinking of "I'm a hooligan and I'm afraid of whom".Among the three, the one I can most accept is Wang Xiaobo. However, after reading more of Wang Xiaobo's writings, I found that he has a cultural trait very similar to Qian Zhongshu and Wang Shuo.So, I began to reflect on the problems of Wang Xiaobo: their writing is too "cold", and their behavior is too smart.Their words and their conduct lack such precious spiritual qualities as love, sympathy, and tolerance.There is no support of faith behind them, and they cater to or adapt to this era of no faith and contempt for faith with certain qualities that are closely related to each other-doubt everything, deny everything, and laugh at everything.

In the book "Towards the Truth on the Cross", Liu Xiaofeng deeply reflected on the "cynicism" that has prevailed in Chinese culture for thousands of years.He sharply pointed out that sneering has a long tradition in Han culture, and it is regarded as the best means of self-defense and resistance in a difficult or helpless situation.For example, Ah Q's spiritual victory method is also a kind of cynicism in a special environment.He has fallen to the bottom, but still feels that he is better than others. While cynicism increases the possibility of people being "alive", it also creates a huge "black hole" in the depths of people's hearts.It allows Chinese people's lives and Chinese culture to continue, and it also greatly reduces the quality of Chinese people's lives and the quality of Chinese culture.As Lozanov said: "Laughing can't kill, laughing can only hurt."

Sneering, then, is not an all-powerful weapon, although it is being used by many around us.Liu Xiaofeng said: "Sneaky ridicule is certainly a means of self-defense and resistance, but it is by no means the best, and it is not even good, because at the same time, sneering is also an injury to the self-spirit, it destroys people's basic trust in existence Sensibility corrupts man's susceptibility to precious, touching divine qualities, and prevents man's existential identification with love and hope." I agree with Liu Xiaofeng's argument, and think it can be used to dissect some of Wang Xiaobo's essays and novels.This is where Wang Xiaobo is deadliest.Isn't the vicissitudes of life on his face just what he did to himself?If we want to surpass Wang Xiaobo, we should work hard on this level. Liu Xiaofeng further questioned: "Of course cynicism is not a unique phenomenon of Chinese culture, but a common cultural phenomenon, even a modern cultural phenomenon. But it is difficult to understand that many people in the Chinese thought circle-- Moreover, why well-educated people are so fond of sarcasm is a topic worthy of study." I think the reason why Chinese people are fond of sarcasm is very simple: the more educated people are, the weaker their hearts are, the weaker they are. Need to find an "excuse" for yourself.Therefore, cynicism became the glaze for them to make their fragile selves extremely strong. Beyond cynicism is faith, love, compassion, compassion, tolerance and sincerity.Liu Xiaofeng talked about a series of great women such as Weil, Soler, and Mother Teresa.At a time when the men were evading in cynicism, such fearless women stood up.In misfortune and humiliation, they express their tearful affirmation to life and life; in their predicament and loneliness, they express their tearful affirmation to love and hope. As a woman, Soller sharply pointed out: "Faith is to fight against cynicism, it is to resist cynicism." She sees that cynicism, in essence, expresses a kind of powerlessness, fear and emptiness of life feel.She further asked deeply: What are the psychological factors that hinder people from going to faith?What quality of mind is lacking in the mind of the cynical unbeliever?It is a basic sense of trust.The lack of basic trust is also related to the subject's arrogance and rationality. Fear and arrogance lead to a huge split in personality, and cynicism takes advantage of it. Liu Xiaofeng believes that if we want to rebuild modern Chinese culture, we should replace cynicism with faith, hate with love, and violence with peace. "Faith is to have a sense of trust in life without fear. It is to hold true love and hope when it is denied by reality. It endows people with a transcendent mental intelligence and emotional quality, enabling people to Beyond the limitations and harms of existence, enter the sacred space of freedom, at the same time, make people actively and passionately participate in the renewal of life, because faith is also the kind of freedom that is indifferent to suffering, poverty, pain, and self-abandonment The negation of feeling.” His words triggered my deep thinking. It is a pity that these arguments and words of Liu Xiaofeng have not gained a minimum of recognition in the Chinese cultural circle. In the past two decades, he has been wandering from Beijing to Europe and then to Hong Kong.His "spiritual rescue plan" has not received much attention.Even among those top intellectuals in China, they were met with cold reception and blank stares. Even if they read these words carefully, the so-called "scholars" are unwilling, because Liu Xiaofeng pointed out their deficiencies, which hurt their "self-esteem" - not self-esteem, but "face".In order to maintain their own face, they would rather bury their heads in the sand like an ostrich, refusing to face danger in this way of self-deception. But it is natural for us to accept, welcome and embrace writers like Wang Xiaobo. His sarcasm fits our sneer, his nothingness is similar to ours, and his lack is exactly our lack. I hope that in the years to come, there will be a great writer or scholar who can replace cynicism with love, and win the general recognition and support of Chinese intellectuals and the public. I hope that in the years to come, all Chinese people will have the ability to love, and all Chinese will use actions to practice love.Sow the seeds of love in this land soaked in violence and blood for thousands of years. Ning Xuan, my love, you have to eat well, eat a lot, sleep well, and take care of your body. Tingsheng November 1, 1999 Tingsheng: Now, it is already midnight.Interesting, I write to you mostly at this time.This is the time of the day when my mind is at my sharpest. In the evening, I just had a heated "debate".For dinner, the boss invited several powerful officials to dinner. I was the manager of the marketing department, and I was also pulled to attend.This is the least of my favorite occasions.However, this is also part of my "job".During the banquet, several officials who had reached the point where they had to lose weight talked about "major national affairs".Of course they are happy with everything so far. I mentioned the issue of unemployment among workers, and a well-groomed official immediately said it was no big deal.It was not reported in the newspaper that a young couple who were laid off from the factory opened a snack bar, and the business was booming.After a few years of hard work, they became big bosses.Doesn't this mean that everyone has the opportunity to start a business? I also mentioned the problem that the burden on farmers is too heavy, and another official wearing a crocodile shirt said, then they can plant more fruit trees and raise more chickens and ducks.With the sideline business supporting the main business, why should they worry about not having a good income at the end of the year? How do these guys know the truth of life at the bottom?In their eyes, the suffering of others is as light as a feather; in their eyes, the hunger and cold of others are taken for granted.They are supporters of the rigid theory that "to be is reasonable" - yet their "happy life" comes from privilege, not from their cleverness.What would happen to them if God immediately turned them into powerless unemployed workers and mountain farmers?Do they still have the courage to live? In the past, although I hated their utterly selfish nonsense, I generally did not debate them.However, today I couldn't bear it anymore, and I almost reprimanded them outrageously.Maybe it was influenced by you, who hates evil and hates you? The boss kept giving me winks, but I pretended not to see it.As a result, the scene was quite embarrassing for a while. Fortunately, those bureaucrats are quite old, and they won't make things difficult for a little yellow-haired girl like me. They laughed dryly for a while, and then passed.They cheerfully said that this girl was too young, too extreme, and did not understand the major policies of the country. After the banquet was over, I thought about it carefully and felt a little regretful: Why bother talking to these people?Isn't this "playing the piano to the cow"? The Bible says: Do not feel sorry for the wicked, And do not be envious of those who do unrighteousness. For they are like grass about to be cut down, And like greens that are about to wither. ("Psalm 37:1-2") They won't go on like this forever, and we needn't despair of their temporary success. Although it is already late at night and there is no paper to write in the simple dormitory, I really want to write to you.I had no choice but to use my medical records to write—tear out the chapter on tooth extraction, and use the blank page to write to you. This special "letter paper" made me suddenly have two ideas. First, I think of a sentence you said to me when we met - "As long as my words can make you forget your toothache temporarily, I will be happy."Your words make me feel a kind of warmth from the heart.Tingsheng, I don't know if anyone has told you before that you, who have a keen mind and a sharp writing style, are such a sincere, good boy who cares about others in every possible way. Second, this is not wrong, maybe I am indeed a patient who asks for help from you, can you please treat my almost desperate soul? In your letter, you talked about many views on Wang Xiaobo, and these views are unique.In particular, your analysis of the deep-rooted national character of "cynicism" has given me many new revelations.I don't have much contact with Liu Xiaofeng's works, so I hope you can recommend a few for me next time.However, I do not completely agree with your criticism of Wang Xiaobo.I think, maybe you haven't read other books written by Wang Xiaobo, such as love letters, have you? His letters are not as profound as his essays, but they are so simple that it hurts. For example, he said: "There is only one thing I have inherited from my childhood, and that is the rage against mediocre life, a kind of determination not to be defeated. When I was young, I was simply arrogant. I saw everything that was mediocre, and I silently recorded it and turned it into I felt a boiling anger. No matter who took it as funny, I was so angry that I said to myself: What a petty act! I will fly over your heads in the future!" He also said: "Growing up in meditation, I started to like poetry. I read a lot of poetry, and some of them are really good poems. Good poems describe different things, and the rhyme changes, but They all have a little bit in common. It has a crystalline radiance that seems to come from a star. Wish I could read forever and break this lonely sea. I wish I could write poems like this. I wish I was a star too. If I can shine, I don't have to be afraid of the dark. If I am so beautiful, then all fears can disappear. So I began to save a little hope-if I can do it, then I will overcome the fate of loneliness." Don't you want to know me in life?Then please go back and read the above two paragraphs again, this is me in life, I can't find a more accurate language than Wang Xiaobo. Wang Xiaobo's essays and novels contain a lot of sarcasm and black humor. Of course, you can dislike it or criticize it. Your criticism is deep and accurate.I also very much agree with you on the pulse and diagnosis of Chinese cultural symptoms through your criticism of Wang Xiaobo. However, I would like to recommend another side of Wang Xiaobo, which you may not know. In the letter to his wife, Wang Xiaobo said a lot about love, about warmth, and about the meaning of life—— "Today I thought, I should love other people, or I'm ruined." "I think, I should move forward now, because I know you, I should improve a little." "As soon as I pick up my pen, I want to write about people's love for each other—the kind of love that is supercilious. Out of love, people can do wonderful things, which is ten thousand times better than people who are stupid." "I don't want to be lonely. Loneliness is ugly, disgusting, and gray. I want to connect with you, coexist, and your warmth is the most charming! Once you come, I am determined to be serious, no Live sloppily, even if it takes effort, even if I sacrifice it?" "What is the fulcrum of our life? It is ourselves. We want an absolutely beautiful and extraordinary life, an absolutely beautiful and extraordinary meaning. You remind me of brilliance, hope, and intoxicating beauty. I will always love beauty in this life, Love charming beauty. Anything less than satisfying is not worthy of our condescension." Do you like these words?I hope you read the letter Wang Xiaobo wrote to Li Yinhe.These words are also what I want to say to you as soon as I bring up the pen. Always sincerely love, truth, kindness and beauty.This is the light of the stars in the endless night.Although the stars are far apart and may never come together, "as long as there are still a pair of eyes crying with you in life, life is worth suffering for." I would like to pass on my faint starlight, pass through the endless darkness, and express my silent support and belief to you from afar.Did you get it? Let go of all forms of shackles!Forget long hair, I just want to collide with you; forget troubles, I just want you to be healthy.Forget about the phone you used to reject, pick it up whenever you think of me.I also forgot about the airplanes I hated, and found opportunities to travel across the ocean to see you, and to find you by flying over the eaves and walls. The medical records are full, even the corners of the four sides are full. "I don't know what to say." Please forgive my scribbling. your Xuan November 6, 1999 Ning Xuan: In the evening, I hope you have a good rest and don't stay up late writing to me. Your blank medical record is more interesting than any other stationery. You showed me another Wang Xiaobo in your letter, and this is also Wang Xiaobo that I had never paid attention to before.This side of him shows his transcendence and negation of cynicism, whether it is successful and thorough, but he shows such an effort. Now I will go back and review my previous understanding of Wang Xiaobo.My understanding is indeed incomplete - my misreading of Wang Xiaobo is just like others' misreading of me. My understanding of Wang Xiaobo has gone through three stages: the first stage is that I like it very much.An old man, Wu Xiaoru, wrote an article attacking Wang Xiaobo for being too "pornographic". I also responded with a pungent article, denouncing his dark psychology of "thinking of thighs when you see miniskirts".The second stage is to discover Wang Xiaobo's "fate gate" - cynicism, and then to reflect on his writing posture.This reflection gradually developed into my reflection on the entire national culture and the mental state of intellectuals.The third stage is to re-read his love letters and other texts after your recommendation, and discover the struggle and suffering deep in his heart, as well as the trend of his soul towards love and compassion. Ning Xuan, in the waves of life, we should not be bystanders on the shore, but brave crossers.The Danish philosopher Kierkegaard believes that people must put themselves into life and venture to the sea to raise their voices, instead of watching others' struggles and struggles on the shore presumptuously.He likes to use words like "enthusiasm," "confidence," and "pathos" to illustrate his thoughts, which are words I like to use, too. Kierkegaard said: "People have forgotten the fundamental meaning of existence. They generally regard pathos as belonging to fantasy and emotion, and let it be dialectized into nothingness. In our nineteenth century philosophy, pathos has become a shameful thing. He added: "A man cannot sow and reap immediately. The feast cannot begin in the morning, it must begin at sunset. Also in the spiritual world, there must be a period of hard work before the light comes and the sun flashes in all its glory. . . . This path leads to struggles, but I will not give up." This is exactly the outlook on life that I appreciate and am determined to live.I will not quietly wait for myself to be wrapped by the glacier, I will try my best to make myself glow, heat up, and let myself melt the ice around me.Instead of cursing the darkness, let us shine our own light. Our life will not be full of flowers and blue sky, but I refuse to intervene in a sneering way, and face life with understanding and love.The meaning of life is highlighted in every overcoming of suffering, rather than being discovered in the study or in words. I believe that every painful furrow will be exchanged for a row of golden rice. The Bible says that a woman is made from the rib of a man.Before I met you, I scoffed at this statement with scientific knowledge, and I thought it was just a myth of the ignorance of the ancients.In my opinion, men are men, and women are women, they are too different—whether in terms of physical structure or spiritual feeling, men and women are almost two species, and it is simply impossible to truly understand and communicate .But after getting to know you, I have come to believe this statement in the Bible, and I think it is the most beautiful and greatest truth. Ning Xuan, my dear, I think, you are the most important rib in my body.It turned out that I didn't dare to say that I was going to hold the gate, not because I didn't have the courage, but because I didn't have the help of "ribs".Now, with your rib, I have the courage to shoulder the floodgates. You are a part of my body, a part of my mind, better than all the other parts of me. Love is everything.I now believe that too.The campus has become a thousand times more beautiful than before, and everyone who walks by me, even those who I thought were ugly before, have become lovely.And all of this is all because of love, because of you. A historian said that history cannot be assumed, but I still want to assume: If I have not met you, and I will never meet you, what should I do? I'd be crazy, and loneliness would drive me crazy. However, now that I have met you, I can go on the road basking in the bright sunshine. Tingsheng November 11, 1999