Chapter 7 Vineyards: 1-5

Her soft voice flowed in the rich candlelight.I closed my eyes unknowingly, letting all the pores of my body open to my heart's content.Like a thousand pairs of eyes.Let the thousand pairs of eyes catch the sound of the waves.Like thousands of pairs of ears... October 7, 1999 Yesterday, Mr. Yao Renjie, an old professor in the Department of Biology, invited me to have lunch at his home today. Teacher Yao, whom I just met not long ago, is a "strange person", and our acquaintance was quite a chance. In 1998, the Economic Daily Publishing House published three thick volumes of "Thinking and Essays--The Anti-Rightist Movement in Memory". June Snow".Mr. Qian Liqun wrote a long preface to this book "Ideological Legacy That Cannot Be Erased". In the preface, he spoke highly of these "rightist speeches" that have passed the time.In particular, the remarks of the teachers and students of Peking University who were persecuted back then aroused Mr. Qian's feelings and thoughts, because he himself was one of them.

Those thoughts and words were ahead of their time, or rather, the times were behind those fresh thoughts and words.I agree with the latter statement more-they are too good and noble, the evil hates them so much, and the darkness fears them so much. The antagonism between the two sides is irreconcilable. As a result, those best people were about to spread their wings and fly high, but their wings were suddenly broken by cruel fate.For thousands of years, this perverse nation has always been proud of torturing and destroying its own elite talents, and always proud of constantly taking detours.

Mr. Qian wrote at the end of the article: "Rereading these words written in a specific historical situation today, I have no intention of making any value judgments between Tan Tianrong's adherence to idealism and heroism, and Liu Qidi's face-to-face reality and return to the ordinary. I only believe that this is all human. and I suspect that the reality of the China they live in (and the one we live in) will allow them to realize their choices as they wish. Therefore, I care about and want to track down their whereabouts later. I want to shout-- Tan Tianrong, Liu Qidi, Zhang Jingzhong, Chen Fengxiao, Qian Ruping, Wang Shuyao, Cen Chaonan, Jiang Xingren, Xu Kexue, Chen Aiwen, Jiang Wen, Long Yinghua, Yao Rentingsheng, Pang Zhuoheng, Zhu Qingqi, Du Jiazhen..., all rightist brothers and sisters, where are you? ?How have you lived these decades?Did you come back for the centennial celebration of Peking University?As real Peking University people, what do you have to say? --Peking University, as well as the whole of China, should listen to their voices. "At the end of this article, "Written in Yanbeiyuan". This is a small habit of Mr. Qian's writing articles.

Probably, he himself did not expect that this tiny "clue" finally attracted the affectionate echoes of those names he called. Among those "rightists" mentioned by Mr. Qian, there is one named Yao Renjie.In 1957, Yao Renjie was a young teaching assistant in the Department of Biology, a proud student of the famous biologist Professor Zhang Longxiang, and his career had just begun.Probably he never dreamed that he would be branded a "rightist" because of an article "The Party, we criticize you because we really love you and trust you". Like a storm, Yao Renjie was expelled from the campus together with the best talents of Peking University, and was forcibly sent to reeducation through labor.Since then, he has lost his personal freedom for twenty years.Later, Yao Renjie returned to Peking University after experiencing a near-death experience. "Qiandu Yaolang" once again gained a firm foothold in Peking University with his outstanding academic achievements.He was one of the few people among the 600 "rightists" who were kicked out of Peking University back then with their heads held high.

His keen thinking is still there, his passion is still there, and his hearty laughter is still there. However, his youth can never be regained. Yao Renjie saw the preface of Mr. Qian, saw the affectionate call of the fellow alumnus at the end, and found that "written in Yanbeiyuan" was marked at the end of the article. He was surprised-it turned out that he himself lived in Yanbeiyuan.Yanbeiyuan is located on the edge of the Summer Palace, and it is a residential area where the old teachers of Peking University are relatively concentrated. Yao Renjie put down the book and immediately went to the neighborhood committee to inquire about Mr. Qian's building number, room number and phone number. How much he wanted to see the author right away and respond to the author's call.Soon, the two teachers got in touch.Two resounding "copper peas" collided with shining sparks.

One is a literature research expert who has been sent to the backcountry of Guizhou for 18 years, and the other is a biologist who has struggled in a labor camp for 20 years-they have jointly endured the suffering of this school and this country. They used to be separated from each other, but miraculously reunited in the same garden. Teacher Yao has read my debut novel "Fire", and he also knows all kinds of pressure I have received because of this book during the climax of the school celebration. If it cannot be tolerated, what qualifications do you have to erect a statue of Mr. Cai Yuanpei by the Weiming Lake?

Teacher Yao knew that I had a close relationship with Mr. Qian, so he inquired about my situation through Mr. Qian and asked to meet me. One day in the middle of last month, when Moro and I went to Mr. Qian's home, Mr. Qian called to invite Teacher Yao to have a gathering.When we first met and talked, I realized that Mr. Yao is also from Chengdu, and we are fellow villagers.When fellow villagers see fellow villagers, they naturally feel very cordial. Teacher Yao is already seventy years old, but he is still in good spirits, with black hair and a voice like a bell.The ordeal not only did not destroy his body, but made his spine unbending like an iron plate.He has a cheerful and optimistic personality, and he can't stop talking when he speaks.His eyes were sharp and clear, and he still maintained a childlike sincerity.He said that he is the unyielding "copper pea" described by Guan Hanqing.When we were saying goodbye, Mr. Yao warmly invited us to visit his house when we had time. He personally cooked Sichuan dishes for us.

After the National Day holiday, Teacher Yao called and asked us to go to his house for dinner at noon today.In the morning, Mo Luo, Yang Fan and I arrived at Teacher Yao's house, and Mr. Qian had already arrived.And Teacher Yao has been busy in the kitchen since early in the morning, sweating all over his head. Teacher Yao quickly placed a table full of Sichuan dishes.Such superb craftsmanship is really rare among university professors.Teacher Yao said that since he is a biology student, he pays special attention to diet and health care.As we ate, we were full of praise for the taste of the meal.

After dinner, we sat and chatted together.The two teachers talked about the ups and downs in their lives, feeling that there are differences in the same, and the same in the difference.The floodgates of that era left the same imprint on their shoulders.Together they have endured the burn of the red sun, and together they have resisted those attempts to enslave the spirit.At the cost of youth and freedom, they have gained a relatively complete personality. Just then, my pager rang.I took it out and took a look, and it was written on it: "Miss Ning Xuan, please call me back." This is the first time Ning Xuan's trace appeared on my pager.I hid on the balcony and called Ning Xuan's phone number, which was the cell phone number I was familiar with.

"Tingsheng, are you in school? Guess where I am now?" I have only heard her voice once, but my ears have already established a magical response to her voice.The magnetic, crystalline texture and apple-scented sound is unique.From her voice, I heard her looking forward, her slight frown, and her little naughtiness. "Are you at work? At home? Or..." "Neither! I don't think you can guess, I'm in Beijing now!" She smiled smugly on the other side of the phone.It seems that she has already planned to give me an unexpected surprise. "Really? Where are you? I'll come to see you right away!" I was so excited that my hands trembled a little, and my speech was a little incoherent.

"I'm here with a few colleagues from the company. We live in the Great Wall Hotel. There are still many work arrangements during the day. I'll come to Peking University to see you at night." "When? Where? It's up to you to decide." I couldn't wait, but I knew that I had to keep a little "reserved". "So, how about at the south gate of Peking University at six o'clock? I'll come over as soon as I finish my work." Ning Xuan said.She sensed my anxiety, and she was soothing me. Then, she asked a little worriedly: "Can you recognize me from the crowd? I don't have any special marks on me. Well, I'm going to test you and see how good your eyesight is." "I think, I should be able to recognize you. Isn't there a telepathy between us? We will definitely not know each other even if we meet." I said without hesitation.When I was talking, I seemed to have seen a girl walking towards me, a vague figure, walking through the wilderness and forest, approaching me. So, we quickly agreed on the time and place of the first meeting. At six o'clock, it was half dark in Beijing.It was the moment when the lights came on. A few minutes before I was about to leave, the pager rang.It was Ning Xuan's message: "I have arrived at the south gate of Peking University, please come quickly." I rode my bicycle from the dormitory.The South Gate is the main entrance of Peking University. Although it is rustic, and the newly added gray marble door plaque seems to be a tombstone, it is also a landmark building.Generally, when we meet new friends for the first time, we will make an appointment here. Even for those who are not familiar with Beijing, it is easy to find here. Just spent a luxurious National Day.For some reason, the Chinese have an unreasonable religious attitude towards certain integers in particular.This year is the fiftieth anniversary of the National Day, so people are dominated by this inexplicable integer.Peking University is no exception. A huge flower bed and colorful lights are placed at the south gate, and even at night, the surrounding area is illuminated golden and shining brightly.This kind of decorating style makes it seem that this place is not like a quiet campus, not like a school with a lot of books, but like a yamen and a government office. I went to the door, got out of the car, and pushed the car out.The heartbeat accelerated involuntarily. I look around, where is she? At this moment, the South Gate is bustling with people coming and going.There are many people waiting for friends here.Suddenly, I found a girl standing in the northwest corner, tall, with short hair, and a pretty face, wearing a short black coat.A small satchel is carried on the right shoulder. Because of the backlight, she couldn't see her facial features clearly. She stood still, like a tree in spring, growing by the clear stream, with lush and soft leaves. She is not as anxious as the people around her, walking up and down, or even constantly looking at her watch.She has a well-thought-out plan and looks calm and relaxed.One stop is a dusty lotus, and one stop freezes the time.She knew what she had been waiting for was right in front of her eyes. I spotted her right away.Is she Ning Xuan? I feel that she is probably Ning Xuan.But I didn't dare to go up and ask directly. After hesitating for a moment, I still took a conservative approach: I took out my mobile phone and dialed Ning Xuan's mobile number. As soon as I dialed, the girl in black came straight to me like a cloud.Walking to my side, she slightly tilted her head towards me, with a gentle smile on her face, and asked me softly, "Are you Tingsheng?" I cut off the phone, looked up, and saw her smile, which was full of naughty and bright sunshine like a pool.The phone in her bag was singing, Johann Strauss' "The Blue Danube."The blue water splash seemed to splash on my wrist. I nodded to her with some embarrassment, and put away the phone.His face turned red all of a sudden. She is Ning Xuan. This is a face-to-face meeting with her.Like a rehearsed play, the actors and actresses are so familiar with each other's lines and actions. Ning Xuan looked like a freshman girl, not a white-collar worker with rich work experience.She has short, boyish hair, not the long, flowing hair I imagined. Under her thick, straight eyebrows, her black and white eyes are particularly bright, like stars twinkling.She was tall, almost as tall as I was, because my eyes were level with hers. Looking at each other for a moment, I felt an electric shock. Her eyes were so bright that I quickly looked away.I was still a little embarrassed to "scrutinize" a girl like this when we met for the first time.However, she observed me generously. Her gaze penetrated directly into my spiritual world, like wind, like light, like an oar extending into the water.Before I could give an order, all the fences opened automatically, no key or password needed. The two of us smiled knowingly, and we knew each other. In fact, we have known each other for a long time, and we have made this appointment thousands of years ago.Today's meeting is just a matter of course. I took Ning Xuan into the school gate, and asked as I walked, "What kind of food do you like to eat? There are many restaurants in Peking University, where you can taste all kinds of dishes. Huaiyang cuisine, Sichuan cuisine, Korean food, or Western food? " Ning Xuan said, just go to the student cafeteria and eat the simplest things.She said that it doesn't matter what you eat, but who you eat with. She also said that she had been away from school for a long time and wanted to re-experience the feeling of eating in the school cafeteria. We walked north along the main road at the South Gate of Peking University.There are towering poplar trees on both sides of the wide road, and autumn is the most handsome moment of poplar trees.The leaves rustle in the autumn wind, like lovers telling intimate love stories. Through the gaps in the branches, you can see the sky and see the stars. In Beijing, it is not every day that you can see the stars.Could it be that the arrival of Ning Xuan caused the stars to open their eyes involuntarily? At this moment, the students walking slowly and passing by in a hurry have become much cuter in my eyes than usual.The air is filled with the smell of hometown. I took Ning Xuan to the "Homeland" restaurant that I usually go to.It hasn't been open for a long time, and the taste of the food is not bad.The first floor is a self-service set meal, and the second floor can be ordered.We went upstairs by the corner stairs in the middle and sat down on the corner seats on the second floor. I asked Ning Xuan to order, I don't know her taste.She said that the tooth extraction wound has not fully healed, and she can only eat some light dishes today. During the several hundred meters of walking together, I pushed the cart on the right, and Ning Xuan walked side by side with me on the left.Therefore, although we talked a lot, I never had the opportunity to look at her carefully, but I could only see a soft silhouette of her.Now, Ning Xuan is sitting across from me, and I just quietly looked at her when she was buried in the menu and ordering. She was completely bare of adornment, rings, bracelets, necklaces, and earrings that young girls like to wear.There was no trace of make-up on her face either, her plain face was facing the sky, fresh and refreshing, like a lotus flower out of water. She took off her coat, revealing a thin gray sweater underneath.The sweater outlines her exquisite figure, and there are a few simple horizontal stripes on the chest, which are gray and white, adding a bit of liveliness to the tranquility. Under Ning Xuan's neckline, there are two soft and transparent butterfly bones on the left and right, which are so beautiful that I am fascinated.When she was talking, the two butterfly bones were shaking slightly, as if two dexterous butterflies were flying. She said that compared with the south, the temperature in Beijing is very different, and the temperature drops rapidly at night. Although it is October, I still brought a coat, which really came in handy at night.Otherwise, he would have been frozen into a popsicle by the autumn wind at the school gate just now. Her voice was as sweet as it was on the phone.As soon as she spoke, she showed two white and cute little canine teeth.These two little canine teeth remind me of the "little Huang Rong" Weng Meiling who once haunted me in my youth. At that time, all the students in our class were fascinated by Hong Kong TV series.TV dramas are broadcast at nine o'clock every night, and we don't study until nine o'clock. In addition to the time spent on the way home, at least half of the content of the TV drama will be missed.So, before the get out of class bell rang, we had already packed all our schoolbags neatly, and some students even carried their schoolbags on their backs, and were ready to sprint home when the bell rang.The head teacher walked into the classroom and saw us preparing for the "expedition", his eyes widened.At that time, all the boys were fascinated by the exquisite little Huang Rong and Weng Meiling's two quirky little canine teeth. What a coincidence, Ning Xuan also has two such small canine teeth.It was these two little canine teeth that added a bit of innocence and shyness to her dexterity and generosity. When seeing Ning Xuan for the first time, most people may feel that she is a little cold, because her demeanor has a bit of Gong Li, and she looks a little disapproving or contemptuous of everything in the outside world.It was also the first time for me to meet her, but because we had exchanged letters for a period of time, our hearts and minds have long been connected.So I don't think her face and expression are repulsive, but I feel that there is a kind of fragility in her that needs my special pity and care. Ning Xuan's "coldness" on the outside is actually a protective color of fragility in her bones-this kind of hidden fragility is more deadly than those that can be seen at a glance. Her face was a little pale, maybe it was because she just had a tooth extraction operation, maybe it was because she was too tired from work, maybe it was because she just stood in the wind for too long and suffered from the cold.This kind of white is the most precious white of porcelain, and people dare not touch it, for fear that it will melt away when touched. Her short hair is quite deceptive: people who are not familiar with her will think that she is a shrewd, capable and fast-paced modern girl at first glance, but those who really know her heart know that this is a design she deliberately set for others. A "visual trap".She is actually a sensitive, thoughtful, weak and quiet classical girl.I guess, she used to have long flowing hair, which once attracted the attention of many boys on campus.I think, if I have a chance in the future, I must ask her to confirm whether my conjecture is correct. "What are you thinking about?" Ning Xuan put down the menu and interrupted my reverie.She probably noticed that I was secretly looking at her, and a blush flew up on her face.This red glow contrasts with the original paleness, like a pink cherry tree blooming among the many snow-white plum blossoms. She ordered a plate of shiitake mushrooms and choy sum, a plate of smooth beef tenderloin, and a bowl of crucian carp soup with shredded radish.They are all very light dishes. The ancients said that beautiful food is delicious.Originally, I thought it was an exaggerated and metaphorical statement. Now, for the first time, I really felt the meaning of this sentence.Today, when I faced Ning Xuan, I didn't have any appetite at all. I only tasted a few dishes, and I only ate half a bowl of rice, which was not commensurate with my usual appetite.Her beauty delights my soul and makes me forget the need of my stomach. On the contrary, Ning Xuan seemed to have a strong appetite.She said that she rushed over immediately after the meeting in the conference center, and was already "starving and cold" when she was waiting for me at the school gate. "This is the first time I ate a delicious meal after tooth extraction. Before, I always drank the same gruel. Today I think the food is very delicious, and the food at Peking University is really good." In the blink of an eye, Ning Xuan finished eating bowl of rice. "I'm exhausted today, negotiating with customers non-stop. I'm also starving." Ning Xuan asked for another bowl of rice, and said a little embarrassedly. "You were sent to Beijing on a business trip by the capitalists before your tooth extraction wound healed. Your boss is really cruel." I said indignantly. "If the boss doesn't send me to Beijing for a business trip, how can I see you?" Ning Xuan asked me back with a sweet smile. The surrounding tables gradually filled with people, and the restaurant became noisy.However, the two of us seemed to be outside this noisy world.We enjoy a free time and space to ourselves.I have eaten here countless times alone or with many friends. This time, because Ning Xuan is by my side, I feel that the restaurant has also become a brand new restaurant. After we finished eating, I invited Ning Xuan to my cabin.She nodded in agreement. I offered to take her by bike.At first, she refused.After I encouraged her, she just sat in the back seat, but she looked cautious, as if she was about to jump off the car at any time.I, who was riding in front of me, was more nervous than she, who was riding in the back, as if I was carrying a heavy load—although Ning Xuan was very light. Exit the small south gate and continue westward.Ning Xuan sat quietly in the back.There is still some distance between her body and my back, is this the distance she deliberately keeps?She didn't put her arms around my waist, but I could feel her body temperature. When crossing the intersection, I suddenly encountered a red light.I immediately braked, and Ning Xuan subconsciously hugged my waist with both hands from behind, and let out a soft cry.While walking on thin ice, I was sweating profusely, but secretly rejoicing: this was our first physical contact—her soft arms wrapped around my waist at one point. When I first arrived downstairs, I found that the whole building was pitch black.Is there a power outage?That would be too bad.Uneasy, I took Ning Xuan up to the sixth floor in the dark.Open the door, thank God, it turns out that there is no electricity on the lower floors, but our floor still has electricity. Ning Xuan entered the house, turned around in a circle, and looked around.My hut has no decorations, simple, but neat and orderly.Surrounded by simple bookshelves filled with books.My thousands of books have finally found a place where I can stretch my arms and legs. "Wow! You have so many books!" she exclaimed, and she couldn't tell she wasn't trying to compliment me. I am extremely happy when anyone praises my collection of books.Some people are hard-working misers, but I am a "book slave". "If I can have a few months of vacation, I will definitely come here. I will use this as a library and read hundreds of books in it happily." Ning Xuan picked up the book, put it down again, and went to get it Another one, like a naughty child finding a lot of toys.It seems that many of my books are her favorites.She told me that my library almost covered her small collection. We talked for a while in the room.I turned on the computer and showed her the last few articles I wrote, which is the highest courtesy I can do to a friend.She sat on the computer chair where I usually sit by myself, and after reading a few lines, she praised me; after reading a few more lines, she raised different opinions.Moreover, she didn't wait for me to react, she just "snacked" typing on the computer-she was actually revising my article. "That's the wrong word!" There was a certainty in her tone that I couldn't argue with. I cherish my words as I cherish my life.The text I write is generally not modified.My writing habit is usually: After a long period of brewing and maturity, it will be completed in one go and "formed at one time".I also never let anyone open my computer and make changes to the text I have already written.Anyone who touches my words, I have a feeling of physical injury. Today, Ning Xuan did this for the first time, and I didn't get angry, and even approved the three or five small things she revised.Thinking about it afterwards, I felt incredible. Standing behind the chair, I saw her white neck and the delicate lace on the collar of her shirt.There was a faint feminine fragrance, which had never been in my house before. Is it her body fragrance, or her heart fragrance? There were too many articles, and Ning Xuan read a few of them, saying that her eyes hurt from reading them.My articles cannot be "quickly read" in the first place.It is impossible to read them all in one or two hours. I told Ning Xuan that when I was in good shape, I could write 5,000 words a day without feeling tired at all.I can write from morning to night, without rest except for eating, and let the words flow like water.Sometimes, after writing an article, I am amazed: Did I write it?Is it God who uses my hand to convey his thoughts? "You are born to be a companion of words. As long as there are people in the world who like to read, you will not starve to death. Your rice bowl is the real iron rice bowl." She said, she wanted to read all the words so much, She wished her eyes had scanned the pages like a bird over the earth. How to do it?I had an idea: copy all the new books I just edited on a floppy disk, and let her take it home and read it slowly. After chatting for a while, there was still a slight smell of paint in the house. I was afraid that Ning Xuan would feel uncomfortable, so I suggested to sit in the bar outside the west gate of Peking University. Ning Xuan agreed, and she said that she also wanted to experience my "leisure life".She also thought I went to bars a lot.In fact, usually I rarely go once a few months.Proposed to go today, just because she came. There are many bars in the small alleys outside the west gate. Although they are not as grand as Sanlitun Bar Street in the east of the city, they still seem to have winding paths and a unique charm of Xiaojiabiyu.I don't go often, and I don't know which one has the best atmosphere.We just had to take our chances. Push open the doors of several bars and go in. There are various bands singing inside. They are all rock bands that have wandered in Beijing and have not yet become famous.They came to the capital from a long distance with pure star dreams.However, the reality of the capital is far from their imagination.Later, they had to sing in bars. Although their income was not good, they could barely make ends meet. We thought it was too noisy in such a bar, and there was no way to talk when the singers were singing at the top of their lungs.So, before sitting down, we went out. Later, we walked into a bar called Driftwood.Its doors are finished in dark wood, giving it an antique feel.Push the door open and go in, it is really quiet inside, only soft light music is playing.Under the warm lighting, the decoration is also simple and elegant, with a feeling of ocean and beach.Some bars, decorated magnificently, seem to be nouveau riche who want to imitate the European aristocratic lifestyle, but no matter how they imitate, they show their own flaws.In contrast, "Driftwood" is really like a small harbor, providing a space for tired explorers to take a break in a place where the ocean ends. As it happened, there were no other customers in the bar.We were given a grand welcome.We sat down at a table in the corner.I asked Ning Xuan what she likes to drink, and she said anything is fine.I ordered two glasses of red wine. Ning Xuan said leisurely: "It's been a long time since I had such a happy night." I said: "Me too. I talked more in one night than I usually do in a month. Because of you, I have the desire to talk." My nights are always accompanied by computers and books.Even if you let yourself relax, that is to go to the lecture hall to watch a movie, and let your thoughts soar for a while in the illusory world created by the movie.It's been years and never had the experience of going to a bar with a girl. Behind us, there are two wooden stakes supporting a net.Empty wine bottles are bound at the kinks of the net.A large net of several square meters is dotted with dozens of wine bottles.This is probably the origin of the name "Driftwood".All kinds of empty bottles, big ones, small ones, exquisite ones, simple ones, round ones, thin ones... gathered together, as if the bottles were having a family meeting. I can't help daydreaming: Every drifting bottle probably has its own story of vicissitudes; every time I cast a net, there probably is an unexpected harvest.Then, I would like to be that poor fisherman who has no shoes. Although poor, he has hopes and dreams. There is a movie in the United States that tells a story about a drifting bottle.A small drifting bottle and a letter in the drifting bottle lead to two lonely people and an unforgettable love.The story is of course a Hollywood-style cliché, but many details exude seductive charm, like pearls in the dark.When I told this story to Ning Xuan, she smiled and said to me: "I suddenly wanted to write a little poem called "The Drifting Bottle". Our ignorant fate, in essence, has nothing to do with these drifting What's the difference between the bottle?" "Really? Come on, read it to me." I immediately became interested.I believe she is a talented woman who can "make poetry in seven steps". Ning Xuan thought for a moment, then recited softly: Does every bottle come from afar Is there a girl in every distant place? Is every girl sad Does every piece of sadness hide a dream Does every dream ride the waves Can every wave find its direction Can you see the other side in every direction? Is it possible to meet by chance in every other shore? Does every chance have a pair of eyes Can every pair of wise eyes moisten the heart? Is every piece of my heart yearning for love? Can every love form a good relationship? Her soft voice flowed in the rich candlelight.I closed my eyes unknowingly, letting all the pores of my body open to my heart's content.Like a thousand pairs of eyes.Let the thousand pairs of eyes catch the sound of the waves.It's like thousands of pairs of ears.Let these thousands of ears listen to the fragrance of the waves. This sound is the color of the rainbow after the rain, the aroma of ripe grapefruit, and the rhythm of the waves beating against the rocks. This fragrance is the golden color of the beach after the tide, the aroma of the oak cork of the drifting bottle, and the melody of the conch responding to the sea breeze. Ning Xuan told me that this is a poem that came out of my mouth.She often thinks of some poems suddenly, and she doesn't collect and record them deliberately.Therefore, after a few days, many poems can no longer be remembered, like shells swept away by sea water, and no longer know where to end. Hearing her say that, I felt very sorry, and hurriedly memorized this little poem twice in my heart until I was sure that I remembered it word for word.Such a good poem, let them come and go with the wind, it is really a waste of God's gift. After reading the poem, Ning Xuan was tired. She put her arms on the table and put half of her face on her arms.Her eyes were fixed on the candlelight that was only a few feet away.Her face was completely enveloped in candlelight.Her face was defenseless, innocent, and holy. She simply closed her eyes and listened to the soft music.When she blinked, the brilliance in her eyes was like a little bit of sunlight passing over the cold pool in late autumn; when she closed her eyes, her long eyelashes were like fences in the garden, covering the spring scenery all over the garden.Although we met for the first time, she was unrestrained and generous in front of me, she could do whatever she wanted, without any need to hide or be polite. Suddenly, my heart was touched by something.The heartstrings are like the strings of a piano.I thought to myself, Ning Xuan's face should be leaning on my shoulder.My shoulders should be able to carry that weight.I have a desire, a desire to reach out and wrap my arms around her shoulders.After hesitating for a moment, he still didn't dare. It was half past ten in a flash.Ning Xuan said that she had to go back to the hotel.I wanted to persuade her to stay a little longer, but the words ran back and forth on my lips a few times, but I didn't say it. "Then, I'll take you back." I put on Ning Xuan's coat. We hailed a taxi on the side of the street.We sat in the backseat together.Our conversation is still very strong, it seems that we are old friends who haven't seen each other for many years, and we have endless stories about the past.In fact, we knew next to nothing about each other's past.It is precisely because we know nothing that we express ourselves to each other so eagerly.We have a strong interest in any topic that the other person talks about. Originally, the journey from Peking University to the Great Wall Hotel was very long, but today, in my feeling, it was just a short moment - we hadn't talked much before the car arrived.We were very close, Ning Xuan's shoulder was leaning against mine, I really hope she keeps leaning like this. At the entrance of the hotel, I sent Ning Xuan off the car. She said "goodbye" to me lightly and calmly, then turned and walked into the splendid lobby of the hotel.I haven't even shook her hand yet, and haven't said any more words--I thought that farewell should at least have a simple "ritual".But what should I say to her?Do I have the courage to express all my feelings? On the way home, I was the only one in the car.From time to time, the lights outside flickered into the car and jumped on my clothes.I fell into boundless loneliness again.Happiness and loss tormented me, and I felt like an island floating in and out of the churning waves. Poet Emily Dickinson said: "The highest joy is in our own company, and our inner audience is ourselves." She can do it, and she locks herself in a huge house.However, I can't do it.I don't think "solitude is charming", I think loneliness is torture. I want to say goodbye to loneliness. I want Ning Xuan to come to my side. I want to be with her every day. She was there to stare at me when I asked me to write. October 7, 1999 That day, I heard that the company was going to send someone to Beijing on a business trip, so I volunteered to go.The boss was very surprised, because before that, I was the least willing employee in the company to travel.Every time I am sent on a business trip, the boss has to personally do the DOUBLE\_QUOTATION ideological work for me for a long time." This time, I "came without recruiting". But I was secretly laughing: no one knows, I到北京的真正目的是去看廷生。 我多么想早一点见到他啊。我最害怕坐飞机，每次坐飞机，我都晕得厉害。而一下飞机，又得强打精神，马不停蹄地在一个陌生的城市里奔波。但是，为了与廷生相见，我不再对飞机抱深刻的偏见--它毕竟在空间上完全改写了我们之间的距离。两千里路的云和月，今天折算成了两个小时的飞机航程。要是在古代，江南的读书人进京赶考要走多少天呢？他们的娘子又将在家中等待多少天呢？ 一到饭店安顿下来，我立刻就给廷生打电话。我想给他一个惊喜，而我确实也做到了--从他接电话的声音里，可以想象出他惊喜的神情。 我们约好傍晚六点在北大南门门口见面。 忙完了一天的公事，老板在饭店里请客户吃饭，要我作陪。我推说太累了，有点不舒服，便溜出饭店，叫了一辆出租车直奔北大。 快到北大南门的时候，我在他的传呼机上留了言。 北大，前两年我来过，来了以后却很失望。它也充满了浮躁和骚动的气息，与外面的世界一样。本来，它应该是无论外边的世界怎样沸沸扬扬，自己依然岿然不动。 北大不应该处于中关村这个"瞬息万变"之地，它似乎应当坐落在桃花源之类的地方。 北大的南门张灯结彩，有些不伦不类。我站在南门西南方向的一个角落里。这样，我就能够先发现他，并且先观察他一番。我占据了一个"有利"的地形。 几分钟以后，我看见一个男孩推着一辆半旧的自行车从校门里走出来。他穿着白色的夹克衫和蓝色的牛仔裤，中等个子，白面书生，文文弱弱的，一看就是大学里那种嗜书如命的男生。他的头发被风吹得乱蓬蓬的，跟公司里那些西装革履、头发上打无数的摩丝的男性白领迥然不同。 It must be him. 我暂且不动声色，看他能不能辨认出我来。他在电话里那么有把握，是不是真的有心灵感应呢？ 许多读过他的文字的人，也许会将他想象成一名怒发冲冠的侠客，而不会想到他是这么一个貌不惊人的学生，文弱而单薄，羞怯而腼腆。第一次见面的时候，他们会惊讶于他们所想象的"廷生"与廷生本人之间的巨大差异--这一落差足以形成瀑布。 这是因为他们没有真正读懂他。 而我，在给他写信之前，就隐隐约约地勾勒出了他的模样--跟眼前的他一模一样。 他在门口张望了一下，他的目光扫描到了我。他发现了我。他的目光差点就与我的目光相遇，但他又将目光跳开了。他似乎认出了我，却还有些踌躇。 我心里想，可怜的"孩子"啊，你为什么如此害羞，不敢走过来直截了当地询问我？ 不出我所料，他掏出手机，借着彩灯的灯光，埋头拨我的手机号码。我看着他拨号，然后把手机放在耳朵边倾听。 我包里的手机响起来。 我没有接。他就站在我前方二十多步远的地方。我直接朝他走去，在电话断开之前，我就能走到他的身边。也许，当我走到他的身边的时候，他还能够听到我包里手机的铃声。 我要先开口跟他说话，初次见面就"将他一军"，稳稳地占据上风。 "你是廷生吗？"我站在他的左侧，笑着问他。 他慌忙抬起头来，满脸通红地点点头。他看上去比实际年龄要小几岁。不像是研究生，倒像是本科低年级的学生。 我们的眼睛相互凝视了几秒钟，我们似乎有一种多年不见的老朋友终于见面了的惊喜。而我们却是第一次见面。 我们一起走进校门。这是北大的主干道，两边古老的楼房被夜色勾勒出飞檐斗角。树枝与屋檐融合在一起。我们就像是行走在另一个时代。 他一边走一边问我："你想吃什么菜？学校里有各种风味的餐厅，有韩国菜，有川菜，有北京烤鸭，也有你们那里的淮扬菜……"他真有趣，刚一见面，原来想了许久的那些客套话都忘记了，说起吃什么菜来却头头是道。 我想，他是一介书生，没有什么收入，我哪里会让他破费呢？他请我吃一顿饭，可能就少了几本书。这对他可是一个大大的损失。于是，我对他说，就去学生餐厅，随便吃点什么都行。再说，离开学校以后，我就再也没有进过学生食堂，我倒想进去重温当年做学生时候的感觉，也想比较一下北大的伙食跟我们学校相比孰优孰劣。 我们边聊边走，他给我介绍道路两侧的建筑。建筑有新有旧，新修的房子总是比不上老房子。新房子粗糙而漫不经心，老房子精致而韵味无穷。从这些建筑中我就能感觉到，这一个世纪以来，我们的审美能力大大地退化了，我们的精神生活的质量也大大地退化了。 很快，我们到了一家餐厅。正是校园里学生们就餐的时刻，远远地就听见里面鼎沸的人声。我仿佛回到了自己的大学时代，顿时对这个没有多少装修的学生餐厅感到十分的亲切。 我们在二楼的座位上坐了下来。与一楼的喧嚣相比，二楼显得安静一些。 他把菜单递给我，让我点菜。看得出来，他是那种很少跟女孩接触的男生。这种男生，一在女孩身边，立刻就觉得浑身不自在。 这时，我真是又冷又饿，赶紧点了三个菜，并要了米饭。我发现他在偷偷地观察我。我的样子不算难看吧？我心里暗自发笑，虽然有一点害羞，却暗暗让自己稳住。 我今天食欲很好，不知是由于拔牙之后没有吃过一顿像样的饭菜，还是"家园"餐厅的饭菜真的很可口。他却只吃了一点点，还没有我吃得多。他告诉我，中午在一位老师家吃饭，吃到很晚，因此还没有感到饥饿。但我想，更因为我坐在他对面，他是在陌生女孩面前有些紧张呢。 吃完饭，他建议去他校外租的小屋里坐坐。我答应了，在以前的电话里，他就邀请我去他新搬的"家"，而我也对他的小屋充满了想象。我想去那里，看看他写作的地方，看看他的电脑和桌子，看看与他有关的一切。 他说，从餐厅去他租的房子，有一站地的距离，他可以骑车带我走。 "你的骑车的技术行吗？"我有些担忧地问他。我是个胆小的女孩，除了小学时候爸爸骑车带过我之外，我宁可自己骑车，自己掌握方向，从来就不让别人带我。 "没有问题！"他拍拍胸口。 我小心翼翼地便坐到了后座上，却还是有些不放心，反复让他慢一点骑。 尽管如此，在过一个路口时，还是遇到了一次小小的"险情"--他一个急刹车，我赶紧抱住他的腰，紧紧地。等到他重新开始骑车时，我急忙松手。他感觉到了吗？我的心在砰砰地跳动。想到自己居然紧紧地抱住他，一点也没有淑女的风范，我的脸上就有些发烧了。 他住的"稻香园"果然是一个安静的小区。虽然很旧，没有新兴小区的朝气和洋气，墙面的红砖直接露在外面。但是，居民却不拥挤，也听不到外边街上喧闹的车声。这里正适合像廷生这样的写作者居住。 我们来到五号楼前面。他锁好自行车，这才发现，整座楼房一片漆黑，似乎停电了。不会这么凑巧吧？真的停电了，我们该怎么办呢？如果停电的话，我不太想上去了--去一间漆黑的屋子，等于没有去过。 他安慰我说，也许上面几层有电，都已经到门口了，怎么能不进去呢？他很热情，我只好勉强跟着他上了楼。楼梯间一片黑暗，我们摸索着往上走。到了六楼，进了门，一拉电灯，还好，灯亮了。 他租的是一套小小的两居室。进门就是一间窄窄的小厅，另一位朋友住向北的那间，他住朝南的大间。看得出，他刚刚搬进来。屋子里还有涂料的气味。他的房间，满屋子都是书籍。家具很简单，除了四壁的书架，就是一张宽阔的大床，一个衣柜，一张电脑桌。东西虽少，却整理得干干净净的，不像有的单身汉的住宅，到处是烟头和臭袜子。 他说，他自小在母亲的影响下，是一个有"洁癖"的男生。住在集体宿舍的时候，他最喜欢打扫房间。在他的带动下，他们的宿舍每年都被评为"卫生宿舍"。 这间雅致的小房间，什么都有，缺的就是女孩子温馨的气息，缺的就是一个聪慧的女主人。突然之间，我有似曾相识之感--我到过这里吗？在我的梦里？ 我真切地感到，我属于这里--这里让我的身心都彻底松懈下来。我几乎就想拿起一本书随心所欲地躺到床上读起来。这里比我的宿舍、比我的家更适合我。这里似乎早就为我安排了一个不可缺少的位置。这简直就是一种不可思议的感觉，难道我梦中到过这里？ 他打开电脑，给我看他新写的文章。我坐在他的电脑椅上，全神贯注地看起来，而他站在我身后，给我指点怎样打开窗口调出文档。他说，我是这些文字的第一读者。 "假如哪天我失业了，我就来给你当秘书，帮你整理文稿。"我不由自主地说出了我的心里话。话刚出口，我又觉得有些直白了，有点后悔，有点脸红。不知道他有没有听出我话里的弦外之音来？他站在我的身后，我看不见他脸上的表情。 他把文章都拷贝到磁盘上，让我带回去慢慢读。他建议说，去附近的酒吧坐坐。我点头同意了。 下楼的时候，楼梯很黑，他走在前面，他转过身来对我说："让我来牵着你走。" 我没有拉住他伸过来的手，我轻声说："我还看得见，不用了。" 黑暗中，我们谁也看不见谁的表情，但是我能够感受到他淡淡的失望，他默默地在前面走着，好一阵没有开口。 难道我的矜持伤害了他？我有点后悔--为什么不大大方方地把我的手伸给他呢？我怎么突然之间变得如此"保守"了？让他牵着我的手又有什么关系呢？ 其实，我是多么不愿伤害他啊。他跟我一样敏感而脆弱，一点点微妙的温度变化都能够感觉到。 沉默了片刻，我们又开始热烈地聊起来。我们都装着什么都没有发生的样子，一个小小的裂痕，很快就像一滴流过沙滩的水珠，消失得无影无踪。 我们进了一间名字叫"漂流木"的酒吧。看得出来，他不是经常泡酒吧的"新人类"，这个地方就在北大西门外，他却一点也不熟悉。 "漂流木"是我们比较了几间酒吧后选择的，它收敛，它安静，有一种怀旧的惆怅，有一种回忆的温馨。我们在轻柔的音乐里谈话。他比我想象的要健谈得多，略微有一点点口吃--在他激动地时候，但不像他文章里所写的那样明显。这一点点的口吃，反倒显示出他的真诚和可爱来。口吃的时候，他会脸红，一脸红，他就进入了他本真的状态。 我趴在桌子上，拨弄着玻璃杯里的蜡烛。我不愿在他的面前也戴着面具。我要袒露出我至今没有向任何人袒露的灵魂来。 忽然，一首诗涌上我的心头。我把这首即兴的小诗朗诵给他听。 他放下酒杯，全神贯注地倾听。看得出来，他被深深地打动了。 夜渐深了，我得回饭店了。他提出送我回去。其实，我心里就希望他能够送我回去，只是不好主动提出而已。 我们在出租车上继续热切地说着话。我们有说不完的话。出租车在三环路上飞快地行驶着。深夜的街道，再不像白天那样塞车。要是可能的话，我希望它在三环上绕一圈又一圈。 似乎没有聊多少话，车就到了饭店。我下了车，他也下车来向我道别。我有点控制不住自己了，不想离开他了。这一刻的离别，又不知道什么时候才能够再次见面？ 我想伸出手去与他握手，但突然又想起，在稻香园里下楼时，我曾经拒绝过他想牵我的建议。 那么，现在向他伸出手去，会不会使他认为我是一个变化无常的、情绪化的女孩呢？ 我低声地对他说了一声"再见"，便扭头走进了饭店。我的眼睛湿润了，我害怕他看见我哭。 我希望他追上来，我希望他拉住我。 他没有追上来，他乖乖地上了车。他不懂女孩子的心思。 当我回头的时候，他坐的出租车已经开走了。 Ning Xuan: 昨天晚上分别的时候，想说很多的话，还是没有说。 在我回去的路上，车窗外不知是华灯闪烁，还是幽灵狂舞。我这个异乡人，忽然又想起酒吧里的那些漂流瓶，想起你念给我听的那首小诗。一路上，一种莫名的寂寞困扰着我，仿佛生命中的某一些部分离我而去。 没有想到，我们第一次见面就能这么随意、这么深入地聊天，仿佛我们已经认识了好多年。你大概能感觉得出，我是个相当内敛的人，不会轻而易举地去接近别人，也不会轻而易举地让别人接近。 在我的生命历程中，几乎没有发生过"一见如故"的事情，至于"一见钟情"则更是天方夜谭。往往是经过很长的一段时间，观察、揣度、掂量，极其缓慢地了解对方，然后才成为"朋友"--我使用"朋友"两个字很慎重，这个世界上能够称之为朋友的人太少了。 然而，你却是一个例外，唯一的例外。我"莫名惊诧"于你居然如此了解我、洞悉我的一切。而我对你也一样。(不过，我还是没有你那样敏锐。) 奇迹终于诞生。 我的文字中曾经写到过的那个女孩，我们来往了四年，她依然"外在"于我。自始至终，两人之间一直隔着一堵厚厚的墙，我们没有办法忽视墙的存在，但谁也没有办法拆除它。 而你，顷刻之间，就已然"内在"于我。我的每一丝情绪的变化，你都能够捕捉到。好像若干年以前，冥冥之中就有一种神秘而伟大的力量安排好这一切，让你在某个地方静静地等待着我。而我必须经历过那么多的错误之后，才能够到达这里，看到人间最美好的景色。 然后，尘埃落定，我从此将不再东张西望，不再"这山望着那山高"。 早上，我重新读鲁迅先生的。先生在《墓碣文》中写道："于浩歌狂热之际中寒；于天上看见深渊。于一切眼中看见无所有；于无所希望中得救。"其实，我们的相遇本身就是"于无所希望中得救"。鲁迅先生说，寂寞像一条"大毒蛇"，我就时常有这样的感觉。 若遇不到你，会怎样呢？ 如果一个人在旷野中跋涉太久，对他来说，恶劣的外部环境并不可怕，可怕的是他被内心的孤独所压跨。这些年来，我在北大得到许多师友的关爱，可是我的心灵仍然像是一颗核桃仁，被坚硬的壳包裹着，有一天，会不会粉碎呢？ 墨西哥诗人帕斯在谈到孤独时指出：在这块说大也大、说小也小的地球上，孤独是全人类最严重的病症。但是，一个生活在高原上坚冷如石的夜空下的墨西哥人的孤独，和一个生活在抽象的机械世界里的美国人的孤独，是截然不同的。墨西哥人活在自然力量之间，但他失去了跟那些力量联系的能力，所以他沉默了。墨西哥人的孤独是一种宗教式的感情，一种孤儿式的感情，他们因为与万物失去了联系而感到孤独。而美国人生活在他们所创造出来的机器之间。他们不能在那些非人化的机器之间认出自己，他们的创造品不再服从他们，因此他们感到孤独。 那么，我的孤独是哪一种呢？ 我从遥远的四川的乡村来到恐龙般庞大的北京，恰恰好像从墨西哥来到美国。这不仅仅是一段身体的旅行，更是一段心灵的旅行。今天，我依然有着童年和乡村的清晰的记忆，同时也感受着现实生活深切的困扰。回乡村去，乡村和我都发生了深刻的变化；重新回到都市，都市却安抚不了我的灵魂。我的孤独两者兼而有之--有墨西哥人的孤独，也有美国人的孤独。因此，要彻底医治好我的孤独，也就更加艰难。 宁萱，你是不是这样一个妙手回春的医生呢？(在你的面前，我不再口吃。) 下午，我又出门去，为新书的出版而奔波。我本来是一个不善于同"列强"进行"交涉"的人，可是再艰难的事情，还得自己努力学习。每一本书都是自己的孩子，一定要把她送进最好的幼儿园。 目前，在作者跟出版社和书商打交道的时候，作者通常都是弱势的一方。尤其是我的书，每一本在出版的时候都会遇到许多意想不到的困难。有时，为了让它出版，我不得不退而求其次，放弃诸多自己的利益，即使接受一些苛刻的条件--比如大量的段落被删掉。 写到这里，我又想起鲁迅当年与书商之间的官司来。北新书局的老板李小峰是何等厉害的角色，就连像鲁迅这样有"绍兴师爷"背景、处世老辣的作家，也还是被他所骗。最后鲁迅赢得了官司，并获得一定的赔偿，但是他付出了时间、精力和心情，依然得不偿失。 在写作上，我是一个"喜新厌旧"的人--我曾经对你说过，我最喜欢的作品永远是下一本书。正如有一位在足球运动员对球迷说："我最得意的那个球，是我的下一个球。"对了，这本新书还没有一个好名字，起一个好名字似乎比写一本书还要难。你能不能帮我给它取一个好听的名字呢？ 你的牙好些了吗？注意不要吃生冷的和麻辣的食物。我曾经在一篇文章中写道，智齿与智慧有关，智齿的疼痛，不正是智慧给人带来的痛苦吗？然而，即使痛苦，我们也要勇敢地承受--无论如何，智慧也不知道要比愚昧好多少倍。我当然愿意当一名痛苦的哲学家，而不愿意做一头快乐的猪。 所以，有智齿应该是一件值得高兴的事情，那些一辈子都不长智齿的人岂不羡慕死我们了？ The Bible says: 智慧胜过愚昧，如同光明胜过黑暗。 智慧的人眼目光明，愚昧的人在黑暗里行。(《传道书2：13-14》) 自然而然地，忽然之间，扬州成了一个让我牵挂的城市，因为你居住在那里。 但是，我想问你一个问题。一个在我送你进饭店的时候，想问你却又没有问出口的问题--假如我建议你到北京来，你会考虑吗？ 会，还是不会？ 我希望能够早日听到你的答案。 Tingsheng 一九九九年十月八日 Tingsheng: 你给我的那张磁盘，我拿到公司里，让秘书小姐用打印机输出一份来。没有想到，她放了一叠又一叠的打印纸，里面还在滔滔不绝地涌出文字。 足足输送了一个多小时，文章打印完毕，打印机里的墨粉也就"鞠躬尽瘁，死而后已"了。 小秘书感到很奇怪，禁不住问我：究竟打印的是什么？ 我说，这是一个作家朋友的书稿，比我们公司的报告有意思多了。 你在我的面前谈话，就像你的文字一样滔滔不绝，我几乎感觉不到你的口吃。我听过一个故事，在爱尔兰科克郡的一个小城堡里，有一块名叫"巧言石"的石头。这块石头是一名勇敢的骑士涉过万水千山找来献给城堡的主人麦肯锡的。麦肯锡说话口吃，在战斗开始之前，他要向骑士们训话。这一次，他吻了吻"巧言石"，果然说话铿锵有力，大大地鼓舞了士气，取得了战争的胜利。后来，许多口吃的人都到科克郡来吻这块神奇的石头。你却不需要去了，你已经不再口吃。我就是你的"巧言石"。 我喜欢你的文字，也喜欢文字背后的你。晚上在宿舍里抱着这一大包沉甸甸的稿子，一页一页地看，觉得似乎抱着一大笔财富。我在读你的文字的时候，两种对立的心态在冲突着，使我矛盾万分：一方面，我恨不得立刻读完，一瞬间就了解你全部的思想；另一方面，我又克制着自己急切的心情、放慢阅读速度，担心很快读完以后再也没有好东西可读了。前面一种想法，好像一口气就将长生果吞下肚子的猪八戒；后面一种想法，又像抱着一大堆财宝不肯花一分钱的守财奴。 你说，究竟哪种想法是对的呢？或者两种都不对？ 关于你的新书的名字，我想来想去，也颇费了一番心思。要想取一个好名字，真是一件劳神又劳心的事情。就像你对我说的，好多时候，书已经完稿了，名字却还迟迟确定不下来。 我想了一夜，忽然想起安徒生的一幅名叫《棕榈树下的天使》的剪纸。那是很久以前看到的：纯净的蓝色背景，两个雪白的、长着翅膀的天使，隔着一棵茂盛的棕榈树，款款地向对方伸出手去。他们的翅膀灵动而舒张，仿佛立刻就要飞翔。我突然来了灵感，想到一个好名字--"想飞的翅膀"。 梵高曾经猜测说："你不觉得安徒生的童话很美吗？他肯定还会画插图呢。"是的，伟大的心灵都是相通的--被梵高猜中了，安徒生除了给世界带来公主和小矮人、巫师和美人鱼、丑小鸭和拇指姑娘，还留下了成千幅素描、剪纸和拼贴作品。 安徒生的美术作品与他的童话一样，是给孩子的，给善良的人们的。人们把他的小玩意当作珍品。在瑞典的时候，他为房东的小孙女剪了一座住着公主的宫殿。小女孩奔到院子里，快活地喊叫着。结果四乡八邻都来看这美丽迷幻得如同夏日梦境的剪纸。老祖母捧来一大盘自制的、当地最好的姜汁饼，感谢安徒生给她小孙女的礼物，顺便还请安徒生剪几个新的饼干花样，因为她的姜汁饼模子还是她奶奶留下来的。安徒生给她剪了几个最拿手的：人形风车磨坊、穿靴子的胡桃夹子，跳舞踢腿的芭蕾姑娘。"太好看了，可太难了。我们可怎么做模子？"--老奶奶高兴地说。 安徒生一生都在张着他那天使般的翅膀向美好的天国飞翔，同时他也割舍不下这个不完满的、充满了眼泪和微笑的世界。他不知疲倦地把美和温暖带到这个丑陋而寒冷的人间。我想，这不也是你的理想吗？ "想飞的翅膀"--这个名字不知道你喜不喜欢呢？ 我觉得，你所有的文字都可以凝聚成这个生动的意象--"想飞的翅膀"。这个意象里有三层意思。第一层意思：翅膀向往天空，向往飞翔，本来就是天经地义的事情，这种权利是不应该受到剥夺的；第二层意思：这双翅膀偏偏就是受到了束缚，它无法飞翔，它无比痛苦；第三层意思：尽管翅膀受到了束缚，但它依然渴望飞翔