Chapter 5 Pigeons: 6-9

Tingsheng: I haven't replied to you for several days, but I'm still a little bit disappointed--I was shocked when I received your letter again, and it turns out that I have been looking forward to it. When I wrote to you for the first time, I actually only read a limited amount of words in your "Fire", but the connection between my soul and my soul ignited my silent eyes at that moment.The distance between people is really strange, as far as it is, it is boundless; if it is close, it is so unreasonable. I think, in your words, we are "heart-to-heart". Your hate and your anger come from your love.After your book was published, you became a "celebrity", with many star-studded occasions.But I know that you are still unhappy, you are still wrapped in loneliness.

I remember that the Mexican poet Paz once analyzed the essence of loneliness in this way: loneliness has two meanings, one is isolation from one world, and the other is an attempt to create another world.I believe that for you, loneliness means more of the latter.Your solitude is a temporary retreat in order to rejoin the world.Your solitude is a time of preparation and learning, of testing and honing yourself. You can't stay in the spotlight for too long, it will destroy you.Paz said that according to ancient Mexican legends, people originally lived in the center of the world, the "navel" of the universe.Later, due to serious crimes committed by humans, they were forced to leave.Thus, this feeling of "paradise lost" was born.

Loneliness is the desire to return to the mother's body, to belong to the paradise.The only thing in the world that can overcome loneliness is love. It is in the solitude and love that come and go that we grow. After praising you, I'm going to criticize you. Didn't you say that I am your "fearful friend"? I read your new book "Speak, or Not to Tell".Soon, I will be disappointed in you, because I think part of your writing is "failure" - the part of "like water and tenderness".It may be inaccurate to say this, the words alone are correct, and the words are beautiful; but in terms of content, you really shouldn’t write or publish.

In all fairness, you really haven't loved yet. How can that be love?It's just a kind of youthful germination. At that age, with your simplicity and sincerity, any girl can easily walk into you--just a moment of contact, or just because she is close to you, because no matter what , your "first love" must have a carrier, you are not in love with this carrier, you just reached the age of love, love that period of youthful and innocent days, such unbearable and deep-rooted youth! Although I am younger than your age, when I read your words, I often shake my head like an old mother, sighing with pity and love: "Oh, this child, the love he wrote will make you laugh, he I've never really loved before!"

Really, I'm sure you'll laugh at yourself too -- someday, looking back at that girl who turned a blind eye to your words -- the treasure of your life and your only spiritual pillar -- she will What do you love?What do you love her for? Don't blame me for being mean, this is really just a farce.It's bound to happen, for your bar mitzvah, now that's over, well.Hope it will not bring the slightest shadow to your soul. You have to be confident, proud, and use your soul - a heart like gold, a heart that hates evil and hates to be proud of the world!You deserve true love, whole-hearted love, and you deserve the most perfect emotional world.I bless you.

Reading Lu Xun often makes me sad.Wang Xiaobo's early death also made me sleepless many times.The only consolation is that they all had a sincere female love. I read Xu Guangping’s reminiscence article, saying that Lu Xun often couldn’t sleep at night in his later years, and went to the balcony alone, lying on the cold concrete floor with his clothes on, while the young Haiying got up at night to pee and saw his father sleeping on the balcony floor, so he went to sleep. Lying beside him without making a sound.But Xu Guangping woke up and saw no one. When he looked for him, the father and son were lying side by side on the concrete floor of the balcony under the dark night sky.

After reading this, from Xu Guangping's calm narration, I deeply feel the tender and heart-wrenching love as a wife, a mother, and a woman.That love can tolerate all darkness, Lu Xun's sharpness and sensitivity, all scars, Lu Xun's deep pain, hatred and disappointment, and the child's pure, innocent and heartbreaking innocence. For this alone, Mr.'s life is not in vain. And Wang Xiaobo, read the letter he wrote to Li Yinhe, it's true love.It's exciting.Don't say it, it's really uncomfortable to say.I just want to comfort you, I am afraid that you will be hurt because of your ignorance, so I am wronged!

Forget the past, believe in the future, and believe in love. What is true love?What obsesses me the most is Russian Decembrist love.In the harsh Siberian blizzards, the wives of the Decembrists were as noble as their husbands to look up to.Instead of succumbing to the tsar's despotic power, they asked the tsar to accompany her husband to the place of exile.They are as weak as grass, although they died in the biting cold, but there is still a spring-like smile on the corners of their mouths. The real warmth is the warmth of the soul, and the real cold is also the coldness of the soul.Therefore, for these great wives, a Siberian hut is warmer than a Petersburg palace.They are with their husbands, with love and justice.

Speaking of Decembrists and their wives, I think again of the miserable but happy Russian writer M. Bulgakov.He is miserable because he has no choice but to live in an empire like a tomb, and his genius has been ruthlessly suppressed by Stalin; he is happy because he has a strong and unyielding wife who is with him everywhere Spent a dark old age - he died blind in both eyes. Gao Mang, an expert on Russian literature, described Bulgakov's cemetery in detail in his book "The Destination of the Soul".After Bulgakov's death, there was no sign on the grave for a long time, only some forget-me-nots planted by his wife, which gave off a light fragrance when they were in full bloom.

Yelena Sergeyevna was Bulgakov's third wife.Yelena was originally the wife of a general. Her husband was in a high position, he was upright, and he lived a wealthy life. There were two lovely children at home.However, when she got to know Bulgakov, she felt that this strong and talented writer was the destination of her destiny. Yelena ended her former family life in pain and married a poor writer.She dedicated everything to Bulgakov, and shared with him the joy of creation and the embarrassment of life. After her husband passed away, Yelena had been looking for the most suitable tombstone. She visited the stonemasons who made the tombstones again and again, but was disappointed again and again.

Once, in a mason's yard, she found a huge boulder in a waste pit.Curiously, she asked the mason what kind of stone it was.The mason replied that it was "Golgotha".Yelena was stunned: "Golgotha" is the place where Christ was crucified, the place where he was martyred.Why did the mason call this stone "Golgotha"? After an in-depth conversation, it turned out that this stone has a lot of origins: it was once erected on Gogol's tomb as a tombstone.It was selected by Gogol's good friend Aksako on a special trip to the coast of the Black Sea, and it took a lot of time and labor to transport it from the far south to Moscow.Later, when the city of Moscow was rebuilt, Gogol's cemetery was moved from the Daniel Monastery to the Novosibirsk Cemetery, and the stone with the cross, which symbolized martyrdom, was abandoned. Since then, the tombstone with the broken cross has been left unattended in the pit. Yelena's eyes lit up and she decided to buy it.Yes, there is no stone more suitable for Bulgakov's tombstone. "We can sell it to you, but how to lift it out of the pit?" The stonemason felt very embarrassed. Yelena invited many masons to help.Finally, the boulder was carried to Bulgakov's grave. In his letters to his friends, Bulgakov talked about his mentor Gogol many times. He had a meaningful sentence: "Sir, please protect me with a gray coat!" His words It has become a reality, and Gogol's tombstone now stands like a gray coat on Bulgakov's grave, becoming the guardian of his dead soul. "No bomb can hurt Misha now!" Yelena finally breathed a sigh of relief.After her death, her ashes were buried with her husband. They were close to each other during their lifetime, and their ashes were fused together after death. This is the true love of the world, the love of the world.Is it possible we have?Do we deserve it? In fact, saying these things goes against my principles.I have never liked to speak my mind so bluntly -- even if I made it clear, I remained silent.Besides, a girl talks about love so endlessly, it's like writing a thesis. In fact, apart from words, I have never had the luck of true love.But at least I am better than you, at least I know what true love is not.I don't know what I'm after, but I know clearly what I'm not after - this is my life now, searching, disappointed, persistent, uncompromising. I've read a lot of books lately—it's always been like this, and sometimes I feel suffocated reading it, so I don't mind mentioning it. "Green lights and yellow scrolls, beautiful women and empty dust", is not a beautiful picture. I have also written a lot of poems recently, I dare not call them poems, let’s just count them as some scattered sentences.I used to dream that if only I could write a poem, a really good poem - even a single line, I'd be penniless, I wouldn't even be afraid to die, and I'd be able to smile when it came with joy. Ning Xuan September 20, 1999 Ning Xuan: Thank you for your analysis.In fact, the purpose of writing the article titled "That Time, That Love" was precisely to "say goodbye".I have long been freed from the pain of the year.I don't think it was such a serious mistake, maybe it was a test arranged by God on purpose.God is asking me: "What kind of woman will you love?" If before that experience, I was still ignorant; then, after that experience, I have my own answer. On the road of life, having a lover who is in the same boat through thick and thin is like having a star hanging in the sky. If there is no star, how can we tell the direction? The Bible says: If two people do not agree, how can they walk together? ("Amos 3:3") In those days, I deeply realized the sadness and helplessness of "not agreeing".After that attempt, I firmly believe that a certain barrier between people cannot be broken, and there is no need to break it.As I mentioned in my previous letter, there is no need to "grind an iron rod into a needle" or "Yugong removes mountains". Some people, even if they have been together for several years, there is still a solid ice between their hearts that cannot be melted; for some people, even though they have never met, their hearts can merge like two converging rivers. I also believe that there is always a person in the world who is only a woman for me.And the reason why I came to this world is to meet her.What is fate?This is the fate. Ning Xuan, your letter is different from the thousands of letters on my desk, every word of yours makes me unable to put it down.You said in your letter that the distance between people is really amazing, as far away as you want, it is as far away as possible, and it is boundless;This passage has touched me for a long time, and I seem to have seen your expression when you wrote this passage. You wrote about Lu Xun and Xu Guangping in your letter.The scene mentioned in your letter also left a deep impression on me.Of course, your understanding is also correct. Xu Guangping's meticulous care for Lu Xun in his later years is beyond the reach of ordinary women.It is hard to imagine what kind of incomplete life Lu Xun would lead after middle age without a woman like Xu Guangping who supports the family burden by his side. "Book from Two Places" is a true spiritual cooperation between the two, and it is one of the purest love letters in China for a century.In this collection of correspondence, Xu Guangping's pursuit of love is much more active and daring than Lu Xun's.At this time, the naive and innocent side had the upper hand. However, between Lu Xun and Xu Guangping, there is both intimate love and unspeakable estrangement.The scene mentioned in your letter shows that there is still a knot in Mr.'s heart that cannot be untied.When Lu Xun was in a bad mood, he was often silent, silent all day long.This iron-like silence hurt both himself and Xu Guangping.This iron-like silence made the air in the family freeze. In many cases, Lu Xun and Xu Guangping were still unable to reach the state of "concentricity".This point can be roughly understood by looking at the memoirs written by Xu Guangping after Lu Xun's death, especially in the second half of the 20th century.The Lu Xun she understands is constantly changing with the changes in the political situation, and every change is catering to the mainstream thinking.Lu Xun in her works is naturally far from the "Lu Xun" reflected in Lu Xun's own writing. I always thought that Lu Xun secretly liked Xiao Hong, and Xiao Hong also secretly liked Lu Xun.In addition to the relationship between teachers and students, there are often spiritual and emotional collisions between them. My point of view has been criticized by many experts on Lu Xun, including my mentors.I felt it through the cracks between Lu Xun and Xiao Hong's words based on my intuition.I don't want to make a scholarly "textual research" on this, but I would rather stubbornly maintain this "discovery" of my own.What's more, there is a faint, melancholy love, which does not detract from the greatness of the husband. Mr. Lu Xun never believed that there is a kind of "perfect man" in the world.Just as Mr. Lu Xun said, "Being ruthless is not necessarily true. How can a pity be a husband?" Everyone has his own complex, delicate, and secret emotional world. Xiao Hong's "Recalling Mr. Lu Xun" is the most touching one among all the writings recalling Lu Xun, which is far better than Xu Guangping's writings.Saying that Xiao Hong's talent is higher than Xu Guangping's is the second reason; behind it lies the most important reason: Xiao Hong understands Lu Xun better than Xu Guangping, and goes deeper into Lu Xun's heart-even though Xu Guangping is Lu Xun's wife. Lu Xun's home in Shanghai often had many guests, and as long as Xiao Hong came, Lu Xun would be more cheerful, happier, and chatty. The first time I met my husband, Xiao Hong and Xiao Jun went together, and after that, Xiao Hong went more often alone. Xiao Hong wrote about a small detail. One afternoon, when she was going to a banquet, she asked Xu Guangping to find some cloth or silk for her to tie her hair.Xu Guangping brought beige, green and pink.Xiao Hong and Xu Guangping jointly chose beige.To make fun of it, Xu Guangping lifted up the pink hair and put it on Xiao Hong's hair, and said happily: "Looks good! Looks good!" Xiao Hong was also very proud, very polite and naughty, waiting for Mr. Lu Xun to look this way. When Lu Xun saw this, his face was serious. He lowered his eyelids and looked this way: "Don't make her up like that..." Xu Guangping was a little embarrassed. Xiao Hong also fell silent. This detail can well explain the complicated feelings in Lu Xun's heart. He wanted to say it was beautiful but didn't say it, and deliberately pretended to be serious.He wanted to hide the subtle fluctuations in his heart, but it was more obvious.Mr.'s heart also has moments of incomparable fragility. Xu Guangping also had some feelings about this later.She didn't say anything directly, but implicitly expressed her dissatisfaction with Xiao Hong.Hu Feng's wife, Mei Zhi, was also a member of the circle. She mentioned Xiao Hong's relationship with Lu Xun and his wife in an article.Xu Guangping once complained to her: "Xiao Hong is in the front hall again... She comes here every day and sits for half a day. I have no time to accompany her, so I have to ask Haiying to accompany her. I know, she is also very distressed... She is suffering. She is lonely and has nowhere to go so she came here. Can I express my displeasure and disapproval to her? Alas! I can't help it." After Xiao Hong's death, Xu Guangping wrote a subtle passage in "Reminiscing about Xiao Hong": "At this time, the past was very close, and almost Mr. Lu Xun was often sick, and his health was not very good. Mr. Xiao Hong could not get rid of her sadness, and often delayed all day In our apartment. In order to alleviate Mr. Lu Xun’s hard work of accompanying guests all day, I had to talk to her alone in the living room, so I couldn’t take care of Mr. Lu Xun, which often made me at a loss. I also accompanied Mr. Xiao Hong After half a day, I went back upstairs. It was summer. Mr. Lu Xun told me that he just woke up. It was too late to know that he was asleep and took care of him, so he caught a cold and fell ill. We have never dared to tell the cause of the illness. Now that Mr. Xiao Hong is dead, it doesn’t matter. I will mention it as a memory, It’s nothing important. It’s just that the disorder in one’s life can be seen from here, and it will directly affect the lives of friends around you and lose their steps. People in society are so connected.” After careful consideration, in this passage, Xu Guangping's criticism of Xiao Hong is obvious.From Xu Guangping's point of view, she has the right to write this text and express her dissatisfaction; from Xiao Hong's point of view, I think she is really pitiful. After she left this world alone, she still has to pay for the past , not showing love and being hurt. For two people to truly love each other, the degree of difficulty is sometimes beyond our imagination; the degree of ease is sometimes beyond our imagination. No matter how hard it is, love is my belief.The belief of Xu Zhimo mentioned by Hu Shi in the article "Recalling Zhimo" is actually our belief-he said that there are only three characters in it, one is love, one is freedom, and the other is beauty.I think, if we use love, freedom and beauty to resist the rainstorm, the wind, the frost, the sword and the sword, we will have the confidence to win. Russell's three answers to "Why am I born" are "the desire for love, the pursuit of knowledge, and the irrepressible sympathy for human suffering".Russell put love in the first place. He said: "There are three reasons why I pursue love. First, love sometimes brings me ecstasy. This ecstasy is so powerful that I often want to experience several In the second place, love relieves loneliness--that terrible loneliness in which one shivering consciousness looks over the rim of the world into the cold unfathomable lifeless abyss. Finally, in the In the combination of love, I saw the epitome of the heaven dreamed by ancient and modern sages and poets, and this is exactly the state of life I am looking for." Ning Xuan, this is exactly the state of life we ​​are looking for. Ning Xuan, go to bed early every day to ensure enough sleep time. Autumn is here, take extra care of your clothes and be careful not to catch a cold. Tingsheng September 25, 1999 October 3, 1999 Went to the hospital yesterday to have two wisdom teeth pulled. These two wisdom teeth grow on the left side, one on the top and one on the bottom.They have been tormenting me for a long time. They are inflamed and painful from time to time, making me unable to think about eating or drinking. "Wisdom teeth" - what an interesting name.Why are these extra teeth called "wisdom teeth"?Are they really related to human intelligence? People's own "wisdom" is just a little cleverness. How can a person be proud of a little bit of cleverness?So, we say wisdom teeth are extra teeth.Pull out the superfluous teeth, that is, pull out our arrogance, and make us all humble. I have two wisdom teeth, which just shows that I am too proud, too self-righteous, and too inconsiderate of others.This is God's punishment for me, this is the pain I have to bear. The Bible says: Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Be of one mind to one another, not to be high-minded, but to condescend to the humble.Don't think you are smart. ("Romans 12:15-16") I was so busy at work, and the National Day was off for several days, I finally got down to it and went to the dentist to uproot them. I registered as an expert in the hospital, and it was an old professor from the medical school who pulled my tooth.The professor said that it would be very painful to pull out two teeth at the same time. It is better to have one tooth removed first, and then the second tooth removed after a while.However, I couldn't wait any longer. Short-term pain is worse than long-term pain, so I just solved all the problems at once.I puffed up my chest and said, just pull it out together this time.The professor looked at me again and said, I can't see how brave a frail girl like you is.In fact, how could I be brave? When the tooth was pulled out, although I was given anesthesia, I was awake, and I could hear the sound of the professor knocking on my gums.My cold sweat fell drop by drop. The most uncomfortable thing is not when the tooth is pulled out, but when I go home and the properties of the anesthetic wear off.There was a piercing pain from the wound, and a trace of pain was still in my heart. When I returned home from the dormitory, my parents and younger brother knew that I had a tooth pulled out, and they took care of me like a baby.They love me so much that it makes me want to groan when I am in pain, and I have to hold on for fear that they will worry. Last night was the hardest, I didn't fall asleep almost all night.The feeling of pain came one after another, and as soon as one passed, another burst came up again.It's like a battle one after another.I have been playing music, let myself forget the pain in the tide of music. What I listened to was "Blooming in Bloom" by Zheng Jun: I reap happiness and I also reap torture you deserve everything i do To smile brightly and make the world sad Even if it's sad, it's so bright I am not the most beautiful flower but i want to be happy for you I'm going to burst into flames, to burst into flames This song contains black melancholy in the beautiful self-confidence, it just fits my mood at the moment. Today, the pain has subsided a little, but I still can't sleep at night.Suddenly, I wanted to call him.Nothing special, just want to hear his voice.Would listening to his voice and reading his letter be two different feelings?It's already past twelve o'clock in the middle of the night, I wonder if he's asleep?Is it appropriate to call him at this time? I lay on the bed, thought for a long time, held the phone several times, and put it down several times.He told me his cell phone number when he wrote me back for the first time, probably he hoped that I could call him.He was a shy boy, maybe he didn't dare to call me first? However, I never called him.I am afraid that once I make a call, I will have nothing to say into the microphone.I was as afraid of talking to him as I was afraid of meeting him.Moreover, I feel that he is a very shy and introverted person. If he is speechless on the other side of the microphone, wouldn't that be embarrassing? Why am I a little afraid of him?He is a child. On the contrary, I am not afraid of those cunning people, worldly people, people who draw inferences from one example.A few months ago, when I went to Hong Kong to negotiate a large investment project for the company, I met that rich and important man in Hong Kong.According to legend, when many people saw him, they immediately became three points shorter.However, I am very confident in front of him. Why should I lower my eyebrows and bow my head in front of the rich man?I think I am happier than him, I am freer than him, I don't envy his wealth, and I don't beg for anything from him. However, at this moment, why did I lose the most precious self-confidence? After much deliberation, there was still no dial.The mobile phone was turned on and off, turned off and on again, and so on, several times. When did I become such an indecisive person? Finally, I dialed his cell phone number.After a few rings on the other end of the phone, there was a sudden and rude question: "Who is that?" Before I could think about it, I hung up the phone in a hurry.Is he the one who answered the phone?Why is his voice so "deafening"? I dialed again cautiously, and there was still a loud questioning on the other end of the phone.I didn't dare to answer, hung up the phone again, and even my heart beat faster. I never want to make this call again.I don't even want to see him anymore.Suddenly, my emotions hit rock bottom. Just when I threw the phone aside in frustration, the phone rang again.I looked at the number on the screen, it was his number. To accept, or not to accept?It was even more difficult than his choice to "speak or not to speak". I still hit the receive button. "Excuse me, who called my cell phone just now?" It was his voice, a little annoyed. "I'm sorry, I'm Ning Xuan. Do you remember me?" I said bravely. "Ah, Ning Xuan, hello." He immediately changed his tone.He was a little nervous, "You, why do you think of calling me at this time?" "I had my teeth pulled out yesterday, and they were two wisdom teeth. The wound hurts a lot today, and I couldn't sleep in bed, so I thought of calling you." I calmed down, and gradually began to feel, as if I was talking to an old friend I have known for many years , Talk to the "you at the same table" in the class that year. "I also had a wisdom tooth extracted last year. When I extracted the tooth, the gums were already swollen. An old professor from a medical university performed the operation. He said that the operation was difficult because of the severe inflammation. The operator of the operation During the process, several doctoral students led by the professor were watching. The professor explained to the students how to deal with such a situation while performing the operation. At that time, I didn’t feel any pain, but I just felt shy. Let me tell you, the next day is the best The pain, as long as you persist for the second day, the wound will start to heal and the pain will gradually disappear on the third day." On the other end of the phone, he talked about his feelings when he pulled out his wisdom teeth. I know his intentions, he is trying to divert my attention.I could tell he cared about me.Moreover, his speech is not as stuttering as written in his article, it is very smooth and clear. "What a coincidence, the one who operated on me was also an old professor." I laughed, "Fortunately, I didn't have a large group of onlookers around me when the operation was performed." "Do you know what day is today? What a coincidence that you called me today." He hesitated for a moment and said. "I don't know, what day is today?" "Today is my birthday, my twenty-sixth birthday. I had a lot of friends in my cabin today. I did the cooking myself and cooked a table full of dishes. We romped for hours and got half drunk Just now, the brigade just dispersed. Now, there are still two friends who have not left. Just now, when you called, we were chatting in Xiao Han's room opposite, because I didn't have enough supplies in my room. chairs. I left them behind and went back to my room to answer your call." He said he was amazed that my first phone call would coincide with his birthday.Such an accident is no longer "accidental". He told me that many former friends have forgotten each other, and they don't remember each other's birthday.Unexpectedly, I received an unexpected phone call in the middle of the night. And I, it is impossible to know his birthday, I call him just because I have a toothache.Is there such a coincidence in the world? That's it, we talked.We talked about Peking University and literature.The topic slowly enters from the outside to the inside, and goes deep into the core area that we all want to touch. I am more concerned about his situation.I vaguely felt that he would be hurt.His articles, articles that only brought him a rough fate, were an inseparable part of his life.People say: "Is there any article that knows the world, and forbears to misuse the merits of the common people." Is it really like "the difficulty of the road to Shu, it is difficult to go to the blue sky" in this era to be a conscientious writer? He has made up his mind to do so. I asked him, had he been to Hong Kong before?He said no.I advised him that, if possible, it is better to go to Hong Kong, where there is a more free and relaxed atmosphere, and it is also a world of Chinese people, so there will be no distress of being separated from the mother tongue environment.There, you can advance and retreat, stretch and retract, you can not only obtain extensive information from all over the world, but also continue to fight more tenaciously. But, he said, he would never leave the land. He told me that even if he knew there would be traps and backstabs in front of him, he would not back down.He cites a passage from the Bible to illustrate his belief: Each will bear his own burden. ("Galatians 6:5") He said he needed such "skin pain". He said that every year he took the train from Sichuan to Beijing, or from Beijing back to Sichuan, passing through the barren provinces in the north - Hebei, Henan and Shaanxi. Whenever he cast his eyes out of the window, he would see heartbreaking scenes scene.The ragged people, like their ancestors, worked at sunrise and returned at sunset. The land they cultivated no longer has the richness of their ancestors; the sky they look up to has no longer the clarity of their ancestors.They bear the blessings, happiness and harvest brought by the earth, and they also bear the curse, embarrassment and barrenness brought by the earth.In today's generation, the latter far outnumbers the former.As a result, their waists are more curved, their wrinkles are deeper, and their skin is more chapped.Every time I see this, every time I think of this, I can't help but burst into tears. He also said that when he returned to his hometown and the end of the village, he would see a row of crumbling primary school classrooms and hear the sound of reading books.He said that there was an inseparable flesh-and-blood connection between these lives and his own.He will be driven into this land like a nail. I knew what he was thinking, but I tried to persuade him in vain for a while.He is stubborn and I can't convince him.His stubbornness is both his weakness and his strength.He is obsessed with those who are silent at the bottom of the pyramid, and I admire him for that. However, while I appreciate him, I also want to protect him and think about his own happiness selfishly.At this time, I treat him as my relatives. In the end, I myself was lost in nowhere. Our conversation went on for more than half an hour before we knew it.Why do I feel like I've only just begun?Or the ancients said it well: "Wine is less than a thousand cups when you meet a bosom friend, and there are too many words if you don't speculate." When I was about to say goodbye, I told him that I was so afraid of his voice just now—it was so high in decibels.He explained that his mobile phone signal was not good, and he was worried that the other party could not hear clearly, so he raised his voice on purpose.However, at that time, the phone rang twice in a row, but no one answered when he went to answer it.He did get a little annoyed thinking someone had called the wrong number and there was no apology.So, he did speak with a little anger. He told me that according to his personality, he would not call to ask questions when encountering such strange calls under normal circumstances. However, this evening, by a strange coincidence, he made an exception and called the number left on the phone screen. What if he ignores my calls?What if he left me a landline number instead of a mobile number, and the landline cannot display my mobile number? How many accidental causes of succession and transformation will give birth to our conversation tonight. After the call, I felt physically and mentally exhausted.Lying on the bed with my neck tilted on the phone, my neck was almost numb.During the call, the pain of the wound was completely forgotten.Talking on the phone with a close friend is unexpectedly a good medicine for overcoming pain. I forgot the toothache, but my heart was beating wildly with excitement. Tonight, I can't sleep again. October 3, 1999 Today is my birthday, and I just moved to a "new home", and I invited a large group of friends to the "new home" for a party.It is not only a birthday party, but also a DOUBLE\_QUO TATION housewarming celebration". In the monotonous student life, it is always necessary to find more happy names for yourself and your friends. At every gathering, old friends Xiangang are always indispensable.Xiangang knows how to cook good dishes, and I can make do with a few authentic Sichuan dishes.The cooperation between the two of us is simply perfect.In the past, we also met, but there was no venue near the school, and we had to take a long car to go to a friend's house in Nancheng.It is very troublesome to go back and forth.We spend more time in the car than we spend partying.Now, although my room is small, it is enough for seven or eight friends to "get together". I went out to buy vegetables early in the morning, and after a busy afternoon, I finally filled a table with various dishes.Several good friends also arrived one after another.Some brought fruit, some brought wine.Everyone talked and laughed, ate and drank.In my peaceful life, there are seldom such lively moments.It was already late at night when most of the food and wine on the table disappeared.So, the people at the table began to leave in twos and threes again. There is no never-ending feast.Soon, these friends, those who have graduated, those who have gone abroad, and those who have returned to their hometowns, how many times can they meet again?We are happy during the party, but after the party, when we think of the upcoming parting, we are extremely sad. Two friends who came from afar didn't want to go home, so we went to Xiao Han's room, sat on the floor, and chatted.When we talked about the elders who are still suffering in the countryside, and the migrant workers who are constantly being bullied in the cities, our topic became more and more serious. Xiao Han is a law student. Before he went to graduate school, he used to interview those people who came to Beijing to petition for many years.他告诉我们，有的家破人亡的百姓，就只带一卷草席，持之以恒地等在某气势恢宏的衙门门口。他搜集了一大箱子的资料，却一点也帮不了他们--每到这样的时刻，顿时感到所学的法律一无所用。大家沉默无语。 一位朋友带来了一瓶烈性伏特加。酒性太烈，刚才一群人也只喝了一小半。萧瀚建议说，不如我们再来一点，哪怕"借酒浇愁愁更愁"。他的提议得到大家的响应，每个人的手上又多了一个酒杯。 我们住在六楼。周围的高楼不多，通过窗口可以眺望到市中心的灯火辉煌。电视塔兀然而立，毫无美感。拉上窗帘，我们的世界独立而宁静。 正在心情压抑的时候，我口袋里的手机突然响了。我打开手机，刚刚"喂"了一声，另一边就断开了。刚放下，它却又响了起来。一接听，依然没有回音。 手机的屏幕上是一个陌生的手机号码。现在已经十二点了，谁会在这个时间给我来电话呢？这个陌生人怎么会知道我的手机号码呢？ 也不知道出于什么原因，我决定给对方打过去。照通常的情况，我会对这类的电话置之不理，然后继续跟朋友们聊天。我本来就是一个不喜欢打电话的人。我总是觉得，在电话里，人们说的话都是想好的、修饰过的、不真实的。我之所以买了一部手机，因为学校的宿舍没有安装电话，别人找我很不方便。其实，平时也很少使用。有时，在学校的图书馆里一泡就是一整天，一整天都把手机关闭着。 对方的电话拨通了，我有些恼怒地询问究竟是谁打我的手机。 是女孩的声音，她说："我是宁萱。"她的声音仿佛从天外传来，遥远却清晰。像一眼甘泉汩汩流淌。 我一听是宁萱，赶紧站起来，回到自己的房间里。连灯也来不及开，就在黑暗中与她交谈起来。 宁萱说，她刚刚拔掉两颗智齿，伤口疼的厉害，忽然就想给我打电话聊聊天。我的手机号码被抄在电话薄里好久了，一直没有使用过。此时此刻，有一种压抑不住的冲动，想要拔这个号码。 我告诉她，不久前，我也拔过一颗智齿，也曾经连续一个星期的时间天天都喝粥。当我讲到我拔牙时身边围着一群博士生的情景，宁萱情不自禁地笑出声来。 我告诉她，今天是我的生日，刚刚举行了一个朋友们的聚会。她的电话来得很及时。其实，我盼望这个电话很久了，只是没有勇气率先给她打过去。 宁萱在电话的那边很惊讶，她说事先一点也不知道今天是我的生日。 这是不是天意呢？我们的认识由一个巧合连环着另一个巧合，巧得连我们自己也不敢相信。 宁萱劝我好好保护自己。她说，假如不认识我，仅仅是我的一名普通读者，她会欣赏我的勇往直前、我的无遮无掩、我的率性而为。但是，她认识了我，成了我的朋友，她就不得不从世俗的角度替我考虑，不愿看到我"赤膊上阵"，中了的敌人的暗箭，而希望我选择"壕堑战"的方式，不要让自己的毛发受伤。 就这样，滔滔不绝地，我们在电话里聊了半个多小时，这是我使用手机以来最长的一次谈话。我向来讨厌那些在电话中喋喋不休的人，而今天我自己也成了其中的一员。 手机都被我握得发热了，手心的汗水在上面留下了印痕。 在许多场合，我沉默的时候居多。从很小的时候起，我说话就有些口吃，不知道是怎么发生的，连母亲也不知道。在人多的地方，我一说话就"期期艾艾"的，脸憋得通红。好多年里，内心也因此而自卑。口吃的孩子对世界的看法与那些滔滔不绝的人不一样。我的朋友、诗人孙昌健有一首题为《口吃的孩子》的诗，我很喜欢： 一副天生的好嗓子 一口标准的普通话 说起来总有点结结巴巴 不甘于无声的独白 把嗓音挡在耳朵后面 一遍遍重新开始朗读世界 但当声音一跟空气相撞 自己听起来也觉得怪诞 仿佛地球就要爆炸毁灭 有好多好多的梦要说呀 不能说就偷偷地写和画 轻轻地哼着小曲吹口哨 只有一个梦最美好而急迫 哪一天能在公民聚会上 发表三分钟的演讲 这两年来，我也尝试着开始在大学里演讲，甚至在几千人的大会场上演讲。尽管中间也会出现若干口吃的时刻，但我的表达正变得越来越流畅。 从童年开始，口吃一直在影响我与他人的交往。尤其是在打电话的时候，我会莫名其妙地感到紧张，三言两语，连意思都还没有表达清楚，就急匆匆地想放下电话。不知道什么原因，今天跟宁萱谈话，我感到从所未有的轻松，我几乎没有显露出一点口吃来，我破天荒地有了想说话的欲望。我说的话比宁萱多，而宁萱在另一边安静地听着。 结束了通话，恋恋不舍地放下手机，再回到萧瀚的屋里，他们已经改变了话题。夜更深了，大家都有些倦意。而我，再也没有想说话的愿望了，便建议说到此为止吧。于是，两位客人在萧瀚的房间里打地铺，而我回到自己的屋子。 躺在床上，翻来覆去睡不着，回想刚才自己究竟在电话里说了些什么，却大都记不起来了。