Chapter 4 Pigeons: 1-5

For two people to truly love each other, the degree of difficulty is sometimes beyond our imagination; the degree of ease is sometimes beyond our imagination. I think if we use love, freedom and beauty to resist rainstorms, strong winds, frost knives and snow swords, we will have the confidence to win. Ning Xuan: For some reason, I haven't heard from you yet.Has my letter been lost by the post office?Please forgive my pressing questions, I am really afraid of losing a friend who can talk deeply. Whenever I spread out the letter paper to write to you, I finally understand the meaning of "the end of the world is like a neighbor"."Far" and "near" in the geographical sense are not the same as "far" and "near" in the spiritual sense.When the soul is close, the distance in space can be easily overcome; while the soul is far away, even if we live together every day, we will be like strangers.

The campus is generally calm, and I like the calm vibe.Recently, however, an extraordinary thing happened in our department.This is a tragic love story that happened to me.Here, I want to tell you about it. The school is about to be on holiday. I went to the department office today and found a large group of people gathered at the door.A middle-aged couple was shouting at the top of their lungs: "Murderer! Murderer! Give me back my daughter!" The weather was very hot, they were sweating, tears were streaming down their faces, and the muscles on their faces were distorted by anger.

This is the first time I have seen such a thing happen at the gate of the Chinese Department of Peking University.So, I quickly asked the students next to me what was going on.Sure enough, a shocking event happened in the department a few days ago.I have always been not interested in "news events" in school, and I am quite slow to learn about various news.Who gets promoted and who gets a scholarship has never been within the scope of my attention.But this incident shocked me deeply. It turned out that the daughter of this middle-aged couple is a junior sister who is two grades lower than me.The girl is from Beijing, her family is superior, she is good at singing and dancing, and she is very eye-catching when she first enters the university.When she was in high school, she was buried in her studies and didn't know what feelings were.After entering the university, I fell in love with the class teacher for the first time.

The teacher is a doctor who has just graduated. He is talented, eloquent, and knowledgeable. Naturally, he easily captured the innocent and naive heart of the girl.The girl fell in love with the teacher madly, fell in love with the teacher desperately.That first gushing out of love is irresistible to any force.The teacher had just divorced and was feeling lonely, so he half-played and half-seriously accepted the female student's love -- in his opinion, it's better to have than nothing. The girl gave herself to the teacher. She cooked, washed, and typed for the teacher. She was attached to a big tree like a vine.However, the teacher didn't want to be a big tree. The teacher thought it was just a short dream.After waking up from the dream, it was as if nothing had happened.The teacher studies "post-modern culture", and hopes that his real life will also be full of "post-modern" game colors.

One day, the teacher told the girl lightly that he no longer loves her and that she should find a better lover.The teacher thought that it was natural for him to do so——Zhou Yu beat Huang Gai, one was willing to fight, the other was willing to suffer, and neither owed the other. The girl's world fell apart.The girl left the teacher silently without shedding a single tear.This is not the usual reaction of girls. The teacher felt a little surprised, but more relieved. When the girl returned home, her parents were still at work and would not be able to go home until evening.She cooked a hearty meal, ate a small half of it herself, and left most of it to her parents.She also left a note on the desk.

Then, the girl went into the bathroom and turned on the warm water in the bathtub.She peacefully took off all her clothes in the bathroom, and lay naked in the bathtub. She picked up the knife and resolutely cut her own wrist.She held back the pain, her heart was already dead, and the physical pain was nothing. Blood gushed out like a bubbling spring.The blood mixed with the warm water in the bathtub.She closed her eyes quietly. All that was left was the screams of the parents when they came home, and the roaring police cars. Then, I saw this scene at this very moment-the heartbroken parents came to the department to ask for an "explanation".Although this behavior is unlikely to bring back the daughter, it is the only way for the parents to alleviate the pain.

Girls read too many novels.She chose a romantic approach to death.She encountered cruel love, and she had to take revenge with her life.We can not understand her, but we have no right to blame her except her relatives. Love is like a mountain, and people are like climbers. In this seemingly peaceful campus, there are actually turbulent undercurrents hidden. Everyone has the initiative to attack.Even a general without a single soldier can end up shooting himself in the head.This shot was the general's last great attack. I don't want to condemn that teacher from an ethical point of view, many people have done that.He has nothing to do with the "love" I want to talk about, and he doesn't deserve my words.

I want to talk about that little junior sister.She is in the same campus and department as me.Maybe I haven't seen her, maybe I've seen her -- I passed by in some professor's class.I can appreciate her persistence and determination, although the girls around her will laugh at her for being "too stupid". The 1990s was an era of comprehensive victory of pragmatism and utilitarianism.There is only one word of faith in the 1990s: money.In our godless nation, money has become god.This is a terrible "false belief". Those people, they will shed tears for the false and empty love in "Titanic", but they will not pity the tragic tragedy of their friends around them.Their love was written on paper, printed on movie screens, and sung in popular songs.They will be indifferent and ridiculed to the rebels and true lovers around them from beginning to end, because the rebels and true lovers have broken the "rules of the game" they have agreed with each other and put them on the back burner. in an embarrassing situation.Their "self-esteem" cannot be hurt. In real life, they have to maintain such a tepid "degree".In the final analysis, they do not believe in love.

And I always believe in the existence of love. So, I grieve for that girl, she shattered like a beautiful piece of china. Broken, no more tears; broken, no more pain. Yuan Haowen, a poet, sighed and said: "Ask what is love in the world, and teach life and death directly?" This is an eternal question, no matter how advanced technology is, how prosperous politics and religion are, human beings still cannot solve it.Ning Xuan, has anything like this happened to you? Tomorrow, I'm sending you a couple of my other books.Although there are so many unsatisfactory places in every book, I still want you to read every text of mine.I think my best work should always be the "next" book.

You've only read my first book, and it's only a small part of my thinking and my life—many perspectives have changed dramatically by this day.I hope you can understand more of my thoughts, and I hope to get your sharp and sharp criticism. My intuition tells me that your criticism of me will be merciless and to the point.You will be one of my "friends". In the life that is like a white horse passing by, "friends of fear" can be met but not sought. Tingsheng July 8, 1999 Tingsheng: I have just returned from a place cut off from modern civilization, from the brink of death.

Both of your letters are on my desk.Like what happened in the previous life. Forgive me for not telling you my itinerary.Because before I set off, I decided not to tell anyone, including my parents. I went to Tibet once.Not by plane, but by car with friends from the expedition.We entered Tibet from Qinghai and took the risky road.Along the way, we encountered several near-misses.Even those strong men who climbed mountains and explored all the year round were frightened out of their wits at the moment of life and death, and everyone thought they really couldn't come back. However, even at the most dangerous moment, when the mudslides rushed towards the convoy, and when the snow mountain not far away collapsed, I didn't panic at all.Others were amazed: at such a young age, you have such concentration, you don't think about anything, you don't say anything, it's incredible. In fact, in the blink of an eye, I suddenly thought of you, my friend from afar - what are you doing?In the library, do you "see thousands of miles and think about thousands of years"? I went to Tibet not to see the scenery or follow the fashion, but to find faith and experience death.I want to see how the religious farmers in Tibet live. I want to see their smiles and tears.I even want to be like them, happily buried on that glacier. I remember that you wrote an article "Xu Zhimo: I Want to Fly", and I was very moved.Xu Zhimo wanted to fly, he finally let his soul fly in the sky, he was no longer bound and fettered by the world.The moment he left, there must have been more joy than fear. I don't want to fly, I just want to find a place to stay quietly and try to live a life that is not polluted or corroded.I just want to redefine "health", "happiness" and "fulfillment". Before going to Tibet, I wrote a scribbled text.I originally wanted to show it to my relatives in case I couldn't come back.Now, now that I'm back, I want to burn it.It represents my gloomy life, which fortunately has become a thing of the past. Watch it before you burn it, I'll copy a few paragraphs for you: I want to go to Tibet, and I want to go to Tibet even if I endure hardships. This year, I am twenty-four years old, and it has been more than three years since I graduated from college. How exhausted and weak my body is and how enormous and heavy my mental stress is after a traumatic experience in my soul.I couldn't eat well, I couldn't sleep well, and I was in a state of anxiety all day long. In this noisy city, no food, medicine or fitness can save me anymore.I have to live a simple life, labor, sunshine, air, don't want to mess with things, eat well when hungry, sleep soundly when tired, not tired of heart, but tired of physical labor, so heartily tired, heartily sleep. I always read books, read countless books, read endlessly, so that sometimes I am so tired that I just want to vomit, I can't read a word anymore, I am tired of all books, I just feel that they are like heavy stones on my heart. I never wrote anything.In fact, I want to write, and I should write. I feel really uncomfortable when my heart is silted up. I am too lonely, I am eager to communicate, but I tend to look down on people, so the best thing is to write it in words for others to see, and have this kind of one-way, safe and real communication! In fact, I never want to be a hypocritical person. I am more sincere and enthusiastic than anyone else, and I am a person who is easy to treat people heart-to-heart.But I can't see people worthy of my trust, which always disappoints me, always makes me lose hope, and makes me more and more tired of this world.If one day I am so lucky and meet the person I really love, I will tell him everything about me, the "badness" that I am most ashamed to see, and all the secrets that I have tried so hard to hide Tell him clearly.I must be the most thorough, truest and most relaxed me in front of my true love!Never have any reservations about him, just give him the truest and most sincere love!I long for it! I'm going to Tibet soon, if I don't come back, this is my last text in this world, my parents and younger brother will see it.Tingsheng couldn't see it.Neither my parents nor my younger brother knew that I had such a friend whom I had never met.I have been infatuated with literature for so many years, but I have been neglecting to write. Anyway, this can be regarded as a work. Although the sky will not leave traces of wings, the birds that fly by in a hurry still hope that there will be a momentary gaze on the ground! As I write, I want to cry again.Why do I still cry so easily after vowing never to cry?I hate myself, I always cry, I want to cry, I really wish I could have an operation to remove the lacrimal gland!No more crying! This is probably my "suicide note".I hope that those world-weary and indifferent emotions inside will not infect and affect you. I have come back safely, experienced a spiritual baptism, and feel much more comfortable physically and mentally. When I looked up at the sky so high and so blue that I couldn't imagine before in Tibet, I felt that my little pain was nothing.When I stood on the land closest to the sky on the earth, my restless heart began to calm down. Here, time is like a prayer wheel, eternal and unchanging. Everyone has their own pilgrimage.I want to make my heart as empty as the plateau and as clear as the sky. I stayed in Tibet for two months and met many Tibetan friends, including old people, young girls, and children.I lived in a herdsman's house in Medog for a whole month. I ate, lived, worked and prayed with them. My pale cheeks were peeled off by the plateau sun.I learned to drink butter tea, learn to eat mutton, and learned to milk goats.When I was tired, I rolled a few times on the grass, and I was in close contact with the chest of the earth, and I heard the heartbeat of the earth. The wrinkled Tibetan grandmother said, good girl, I saw a wound in your heart.However, don't worry, the earth qi here is the best medicine, it can heal even the wounds on your heart. The Tibetan girl I am in love with also gave me a Tibetan name - "Gesang Meiduo". Do you think this name sounds nice?Do you know what it means? The story of my time in Tibet cannot be finished in two days and two nights.Some feelings cannot be expressed in words.In the future, I will tell you bit by bit.Don't read those superficial travel notes about Tibet, they are like rotten food, which will spoil your appetite.After all, Tibet is not as special as we imagined, it is not a "Xanadu".Purity and tranquility cannot be found in Tibet, because purity and tranquility only exist in each of us. In the main hall of the Potala Palace, I saw a lot of fat bosses, some from the coast, and some from Hong Kong, Taiwan and Southeast Asia.They stuffed a lot of money into the incense cabinet, but the expressions on their faces were still greedy, anxious and arrogant.They donate incense money, but they want to get more money.For them, what is the difference between Tibet and Shanghai, Guangzhou, Hong Kong, and Singapore? After I came back, I realized more deeply that only when my mind is free can I find freedom in my body in the unfree external world; only when my mind is transparent can I see through the ambiguous and opaque world with a pair of transparent eyes. Going to Tibet is just a form, a "proof".This trip made me cherish my heart even more. I will slowly tell you my own story. I studied finance in college.I originally wanted to study literature, but my father disagreed.Against my will, I entered the Department of International Finance.It is one of the hottest subjects and the furthest from the heart.I don't have much interest in the course, but I can still get the best grades.I spend most of my time reading poetry and novels. I dare say that nine out of ten students in the Chinese Department can't read as many books as I do. Later, I gradually discovered that studying finance also has its benefits--literature can only be regarded as a hobby, not a career.When a person has a job, he will turn around and face literature with a much calmer mind.If a writer thinks about how much his work will sell all day long, his writing will definitely be hurt.Why are Russian writers able to write earth-shattering masterpieces?Many of them are of noble origin, have no worries about food and clothing, and don't have to worry about oil, salt, soy sauce and vinegar, so they can fly high in the metaphysical realm. You have a writer named Zhong Ming in Sichuan, who has written three thick books, the title of which is "The Spectator".I really want to be a spectator of literature.Many times, as Su Dongpo said: "I don't know the true face of Lushan Mountain, I just live in this mountain." But as a bystander, I can see clearly, see the shadows in the hearts of the great people, and read the words Weakness and panic behind.I have such self-confidence-I think my literary appreciation is stronger than many well-known literary critics, even though I haven't even written a serious review so far. The British writer Somerset Maugham is a small accountant in a company. He keeps accounts and calculates desperately in the company during the day, and writes at home in the little spare time at night.I am luckier than Somerset Maugham. I still have a "partial official position" in the company. I often peek at literary works when I am at work, just like when I was a student, fanatical and with a little fear.I was afraid of my teacher when I was a student, but now I am afraid of my boss. When I was in junior high school, I read "Qianqiu Commentary" written by Li Ao in Chinese class, and it was confiscated by the teacher accidentally.As a result, the teacher himself was fascinated by the book, and later refused to return it to me.Now, because of my strong working ability and high work efficiency in the company, I can be regarded as a "little celebrity", and the boss in Hong Kong still somewhat "indulges" me.When he saw me reading idle books, he coughed at most.After I heard it, I quickly stuffed the book into the drawer, then sat upright and stared at the computer decently. I was deeply moved by the tragic love story told in your letter.Similar incidents happened in our school that year.I believe that it is still happening on many campuses today.What saddens me the most is that in the end they all become the talk of the spectators.No amount of blood and tears can wake up those numb hearts.What I hate most are spectators, but there are as many of them as flies. The "stoneification" of the mind is the most dangerous trend of our time.When we become people made of stone and steel, we are certainly invulnerable, but what is the meaning of our lives? The growth of human rationality does not mean the weakening of love.Lozanov said: "We don't love because we think, we think because we love. Even in thought, the heart is first and foremost." Every year, I have many opportunities to travel home and abroad, especially to Beijing.In the past, I was the least willing to go on a business trip. The fatigue of traveling by boat and the strange feeling in a foreign land left me with unpleasant memories after each business trip, and it took me a long time to recover. In the past, Beijing gave me the impression of "big but useless".I feel that Beijing has an incomparable "dominant aura", and the streets and alleys of Beijing are filled with a condescending, "I used to be neighbors with the emperor" demeanor.Growing up in the south of the Yangtze River, I am used to the delicacy and warmth of the south of the Yangtze River. Of course, I don’t like the carefree and yelling Beijing. However, it is different now. There is a friend I care about in Beijing, and Beijing has become a place I miss in my dreams.In the future, if I have the opportunity to go to Beijing, I will definitely go to Yanyuan in the northwest corner of the capital to see you. Then, maybe it will be autumn.I heard that autumn is the most beautiful season of the year in Beijing. There are many golden ginkgo leaves shining in the warm autumn sun. Among the bustling crowds in the capital, among the unfamiliar faces, can you tell which one is a visitor from afar? Ning Xuan August 25, 1999 Ning Xuan: When I received your letter, I had just returned to school from my home in Sichuan. I did not receive your reply and went home with regret.Even at home, I kept thinking: After returning to school, is there any reply from you?I really have such a worry: Will I lose contact with you from now on?Will you be like a bolt of lightning, flicker in my life for a while, and then disappear suddenly?Whenever I think of this, I feel panic and emptiness like never before. I didn't expect you to experience such an important event.Beforehand, I found no clues in your letter that you planned to go to Tibet, and you kept it from me.Although I know you are lonely, I didn't expect you to be tortured so deeply by loneliness.If I knew you were so lonely and helpless, I would write more letters to you, and I would take time to visit you in Yangzhou as soon as possible. Tibet is a place of faith, a place of gods.For those who are devout, I have always maintained great respect.However, I think that for the Han people, Tibet will always be just a mirror, and we cannot really "go in".They are so different from us.We should respect this "differentness", discriminate and ridicule, and ultimately insult ourselves. I hope that the trip to Tibet can bring you great spiritual strength and a clear sense of life.The attitude you expressed in the last few paragraphs of your letter is exactly the attitude I want to see in your life: clear, frank, fulfilling, and joyful. I asked a friend who knew Tibetan, and he said that "Gesang Meiduo" means "white flowers on the grassland". "Mei Duo" is a pure little flower that only exists in Tibet.It is indeed a beautiful, imaginative name. Actually, I also like the name "Ning Xuan". "Xuan" means Wangyoucao, if only you could forget all your worries and bask in the sunshine happily. Your Tibetan name is Hua, and your Chinese name is Grass. They are all beautiful life on the land.Their roots stretch toward their mother's arms, their faces turned toward the sun.They grow humbly and happily, expressing their gratitude to God. The Bible says: The humble shall inherit the land, Delight in abundant peace. ("Psalm 37:11") I hope you are safe, I hope you are happy, and I hope that with my friend from afar, you will no longer be alone. This semester, I plan to move out of the dormitory.Peking University has the best "software" facilities among all universities in the country - the best learning atmosphere, the best teachers, and the best library; however, Peking University's "hardware" facilities are not even comparable to some key middle schools- -Peking University's classrooms, cafeterias and bathrooms are always overcrowded, and long queues are "routine homework" for every student in Peking University.Moreover, the dormitories of Peking University are probably the worst among universities in the country. When we were undergraduates, we lived in a small dormitory with six people. After graduate school, we got better and reduced to four people.Four young men crowded into a small room of fifteen square meters, and it was difficult to even turn around. However, everyone was a student of the Chinese Department, and the students of the Chinese Department had a common characteristic-everyone had a A large collection of books, everyone is a "bookworm" obsessed with books.Books need more space than people. Books are piled up on the window sill, on the head of the bed, and in every corner where they can be stacked, until even a needle can’t get in. In my little bed, "half of the country" is occupied by my beloved books.Sleeping at night, even turning over is very difficult.Once I turned over and knocked down a pile of thick books, and they buried me immediately like a flood.The classmates in the same room all woke up, thinking that there was an earthquake, and vaguely wanted to run outside.Fortunately, it was a false alarm, and I didn't suffer any injuries.After that, I have to go to sleep in fear, because the lovely books are still encroaching on my territory.I can't find anywhere else to put them. Moreover, our dormitory has to turn off the lights regularly at night.This is one of the most unreasonable measures in school.I heard that the seniors in the 1980s protested angrily on this matter and succeeded.However, in the 1990s, everything returned to the original state, and the students at this time no longer had the attitude of "looking up to the sky and going out with a long smile, we are not from Penghao".In the stagnant campus of the 1990s, students were the most insignificant class.After the turmoil, we have become screws bound by various "rules", and we dare not even fight for the freedom to use electricity.Sometimes, when I am writing an article, I am very excited, but the lights are turned off, which is really disappointing.I had no choice but to light a candle and "write with a candle" like the ancients. I have had the idea of ​​going out to live alone for a long time, but it has never been implemented.This semester, I think I will move out no matter what, because I will do my graduation thesis soon, and I hope to have a quiet and independent space. I plan to share a two-bedroom house with Xiao Han, a good friend from the law department, sharing the living room, kitchen, and bathroom, and each of us will have a small bedroom and study room.The life in the collective dormitory without personal privacy has become unbearable to me. However, the houses near Peking University are very tight.It is said that there are tens of thousands of young people living near Peking University and Tsinghua University.With pure and naive ideals, they struggled in this piece of land where every inch of land was rich in gold. They flapped their scarred wings and wanted to start their first flight from here.They almost rented out all the vacant houses around them.However, the proud Beijing University and the snobbish society rarely recognize their efforts. In the past few days, Xiao Han and I have been running around looking for a house outside, and we are not satisfied with several places we looked at.While writing to you, Xiao Han called again, saying that he had received a message and asked me to go to another place together.Let's hope it doesn't fail this time. I am going out, so I have to finish this letter in a hurry.I still have a lot to say to you, let's talk slowly next time. Maybe, soon, when you come to Beijing on business, I can entertain you in my little room. Tingsheng August 29, 1999 Tingsheng: Actually, I was in Beijing last week, from August 28th to September 4th.The capital is indeed as you said, it is not easy to live in, and it is even more difficult for a "white residence" like me.The heat is unbearable, the food is poor, the traffic is jammed, and there are no relatives.Because it is an office job, there is no mood or time for play, so I feel even more boring. I have been to Beijing several times, neither to the Forbidden City nor to the Great Wall.I don't have the slightest interest in these places that everyone is chasing after.The Forbidden City is just the gloomy and dark home of those perverted emperors, and how can the "greatness" of the Great Wall compare with Meng Jiangnu's pearly tears? I only went to one place, guess what? It is the altar of earth.It is Shi Tiesheng's earth altar, not the emperor's earth altar. The altar of earth originally belonged to the emperor Laoer.Every year during spring plowing, they will come here with great effort, pretend to worship the land, plant crops, and express their awe of the land and care for the people.However, such awe and concern are hypocritical and insincere. The emperor, princes and ministers, after respectfully fulfilling all the tedious procedures established by the ancestors in the solemn altar, went back and continued to do those things that hurt the sky - or abused the women in the harem, or slaughtered the outspoken scholars, or killed the peasants. The tax on the back is doubled. The altar of the earth and the gods enshrined in the altar of the earth have been silent for hundreds of years.The sacred and the wicked, the majestic and the vile, exist here at the same time.Only the ancient cypress watched the performance of the emperors coldly.It has its own evaluation of who has superb acting skills and who has poor acting skills. In the past, ordinary people were not allowed to enter the Temple of Earth, and the gate was guarded by royal guards.Now, the mighty emperor of the past has disappeared, but the Temple of Earth has become a huge, barren, untended garden. Beijing is a popular tourist city, but few foreign tourists go to the Temple of Earth.It was forgotten, abandoned, so it was free, it was liberated. I went to the Temple of Earth because of Shi Tiesheng. Shi Tiesheng's is a prose that moved me deeply.I want to breathe the air of the Earth Altar, I want to touch the trees of the Earth Altar, I want to take a look at the buildings of the Earth Altar, I want to feel the desolation and steadfastness behind those words. The last part of the book is a disabled person's reflections on life.It is thinking about destination and search, thinking about time and space, and thinking about the status of "I" in the universe.Facing the garden under the setting sun quietly, Shi Tiesheng murmured to himself: "I can't say whether I want to go back or not. I can't say whether I want to or not, or it doesn't matter. I can't say whether I am like that Child, still like the old man, still like a lover in love. It may be like this: I am all three of them at the same time. I was a child when I came, and he had so many childish thoughts that's why he was crying and clamoring to come, As soon as he came and saw this world, he immediately became a desperate lover. For a lover, no matter how long the time is, it is fleeting. It was on the way back. When the morning glory first bloomed, the horn of the funeral had already sounded. "This kind of utter sadness, this kind of open-mindedness like water, I can only understand a small part, because I am a Able-bodied people, also because I'm too young. What is the sorrow I have experienced compared with Shi Tiesheng?Even Shi Tiesheng's incomplete life bursts out with flame-like longing and passion from time to time, why should I be pessimistic? The ancient buildings in the Temple of Earth are all dilapidated.The scarlet color fell off piece by piece, revealing the pale flesh and blood inside.They have been glorious, they have been glorious.Li Houzhu's words said: "The carved railings and jade brickwork should still be there, but Zhu Yan has changed." In the altar of the earth, even the carved railings and jade brickwork have been worn out, and they no longer have the splendor of the past.Time, and only time, holds the final verdict. When I was walking under the poplar tree on the Earth Altar, when the cicadas on the branches were singing indiscriminately, I thought of the mother in Shi Tiesheng's prose.It was a mother who passed away at the age of forty-nine, a mother who loved her son deeply.Why did God call the kind mother back early?Shi Tiesheng was in the quiet altar, and heard this answer: "She was suffering too much. God saw that she couldn't bear it anymore, so he called her back." I suddenly remembered a poet's exclamation: "Behind the back I often hear the wings of time flying like a chariot, but in front is the deserted and eternal desert." My tears fell again.Human beings cannot possess and control time, so human beings will never be able to overcome their own finiteness. The mother used to send her son out to the altar of earth every day.When the son came back, the mother was still standing there, maintaining the posture she had seen her son leave.Shi Tiesheng later thought about how his mother was restless when he went out to the altar of earth to relax, with pain and panic and a mother's minimum prayer. Shi Tiesheng concluded that with her mother's wisdom and perseverance, in the nights after those empty days, the days after those sleepless nights, after much deliberation, she must finally say to herself: "Anyway, I can't keep him out. The future is his own, and if something happens to him in that garden, I will have to bear the suffering." She is Shi Tiesheng's mother, and she is also the mother of all of us.Her pale white hair flutters in the wind, and the wrinkles on her forehead are the scale of time.Mothers give love, and mothers do not expect to be repaid.She gives, she is willing.Even though it was a piercing pain, my mother endured it firmly.She endured endless suffering like this ancient land, and then she silently returned to the land. Have you ever been to the Temple of Earth?Have you ever seen the ruined palace in the Altar of Earth?Have you ever seen the green grass in the crevices of the stones? Those exquisite boots that walked on the stone road are worn out, and the bodies of the owners of those boots are also decayed, but the grass still pokes its head out of the stone slabs year after year, reporting the news of spring. When I was in Beijing, I wanted to visit you, but I really didn't want to meet you under such a gloomy sky.Every time I go to Beijing, the blueness of the sky in Beijing has decreased a little, and the gray has increased a little.It is the factory, the car, and the people who are extravagant. This is a slow suicide.People know nothing about waiting for the coming of death. I heard that the desert is only a few tens of kilometers away from the center of Beijing, and that the water shortage in Beijing is already quite serious—but not many people seem to be really worried. The Bible says: This place is sad, How long will the passing grass wither? Because of the evil deeds of its inhabitants, Livestock and birds were wiped out. They once said: "He cannot see our end." ("Jeremiah 12:4") The arrogant and wicked, the powerful, cannot hear such a voice. Shen Congwen said back then that the high and blue sky in Beiping moved people so much that they wanted to kneel down.Today, Beijing can no longer see the "high and blue" sky.I really envy Shen Congwen and the others. It would be great if I could meet you under the "high and blue" sky they once had. At that time, I wanted to write a letter to you in Beijing, but was forced by various intense arrangements, so I never calmed down to write.I cannot write to you in the midst of the noise.So, back again.Writing to you again from my cabin. Why don't you come and see me? "It's a good season in the south of the Yangtze River, and you will meet you again when the flowers fall", I believe, you will recognize me among the bustling crowd, because "there is no need to know each other when we meet, we are also lovers in the world". Today is my birthday, my twenty-fourth birthday.Although I am only twenty-four years old, I have worked for nearly four years and changed jobs three times.At this point, my life experience is much richer than yours. I went to school very early, starting elementary school at the age of five.I go to the children's school of my father's unit, so there is no strict age limit for going to school.父母工作忙，没有时间照料我，便早早地将我送进学校。我是班上年龄最小的学生，也是成绩最好的学生。因为年纪小，也因为成绩好，老师一直都宽容着我的调皮。 我猜想，你从小一定是个规规矩矩的孩子。而我从小就调皮惯了，谁也管不住。小学我跳了一级，中学又跳了一级。还不满十六岁，我就中学毕业，走进了大学的校门。我在我们大学的班上，同样是年龄最小的学生。我比你小三岁，却跟你在同一年里上大学，你佩不佩服我呢？ 今天过生日，身边是公司里的一帮同事。下班以后，大家簇拥着我去了一家餐馆，这里的狮子头很有名。 你吃过淮扬菜吗？比如风行天下的狮子头和扬州炒饭？我想，你是四川人，你当然喜欢吃味道浓烈的川菜。但是，淮扬菜也有其独特的风味，要是你来扬州，我会带你去最有特色的地方吃好菜--你熟悉现代文学，应当知道朱自清笔下的小笼包子、周作人散文中的烫干丝、曹聚仁多次提到的绿杨邨以及让丰子恺难以忘怀的小觉林……你要是真正尝一尝，你才知道它们的味道有多么美妙。 虽然桌子上摆着好菜，但我却没有太多的胃口。同事仅仅是同事，同事不过是借着替我过生日的由头，大家聚一聚，高兴一下而已。他们又怎么能够明白我千千结的心事呢？他们把我看作未来的"女强人"，他们却不知道我其实是一个最软弱不过的女孩子。只是，我从来没有在公司里流露出来过而已。 我需要有个知道我心事的朋友跟我一同过生日。这样的朋友却只有一个，就是在远方的你。 晚上应付完宴会之后，回到宿舍，同屋的女孩子跟她的男友出去了。我一个人躺在床上写日记、听音乐。 好想按照你留的手机号码给你打个电话。 好几次，拨了一半号码，却还是终止了。 此时此刻，你还在写作吧？ Ning Xuan 一九九九年九月六日 Ning Xuan: 要是早知道九月六日是你的生日，我会提前寄一份礼物给你的。你为什么不告诉我呢？ 要是知道九月初的那段时间你在北京，我会去你住的宾馆看你。见总是比不见好。我相信，见面以后，我们都不会失望，因为我们的文字与我们本人是浑然一体的。我们喜欢对方的文字、喜欢文字背后的灵魂，也会喜欢对方的人。 与你丰富的阅历相比，我只能算是"白纸一张"--从重点小学到重点初中，从重点高中到重点大学，然后继续上研究生。确实，跟你的猜测一样，我一直就是一个很听话的乖孩子。从某种意义上说，我是这套教育制度的受益者，但我却成了它最激烈的批评者。这真是一种有趣的错位。 前几个月，我在"水木清华"的论坛上，与一个网名叫"捕快"的朋友有一次长达将近一个通宵的"对决"。那次辩论在论坛上倍受关注，被形容为"西门吹雪大战叶孤城"。 对方代表的正是那种直线思维的、重技术轻人文的、有着浓厚的民族主义情绪的理工科学生。他们在教育体制内规规矩矩地成长，接受了所有既定的观念。在我们激烈辩论的许多问题当中，就曾经谈及批评者的立场问题。 当时，"捕快"在网络上反问我说："如果没有高考制度，你也许还在扫大街。高考制度改变了你的一生，你为什么还理直气壮地批评它？" 在网络上，这样强词夺理的论调十分风行。我回敬他说："我以受益者的身份反戈一击，正说明我的观点超越了我的现实利益。这是一个知识分子最基本的价值立场，他的判断不应以自身的利益为转移，而应当站在更大多数人群的基本利益那边。如果说每个人都被自我的利益所控制、所支配，那么，你怎么解释那些与俄罗斯帝国为敌的贵族革命者呢？"对方哑口无言了。 我不喜欢网络上骂骂咧咧的氛围，不喜欢那种毫无节制的、"无知者无畏"的语言暴力。网络上的青年们都很"爱国"，至少在语言上是如此。九十年代民族主义的盛行，使得这一代青年成为首当其冲的受害者。他们使用的是"文革"遗留下来的那套语言和思维方式。我称他们为"网络义和团"--在诞生于西方世界的网络上毫无理由地辱骂西方，多少有些滑稽。 我很少加入到网络论坛中去。在我有限的几次加入讨论的时刻，我力图营造一种"有话好好说"的气氛。不管对方多么粗暴无礼，我依然保持冷静和克制、保持对他彬彬有礼。我们需要改变的不仅是我们的知识结构，还包括我们每个人的思维方式和话语方式--用什么样的方式说话、用什么样的方式写作，是反映我们如何生活、如何存在的最重要的标识。 尽管如此，我依然认为，网络毕竟为我们提供了一种话语权力上的"平等"--大家开始拥有了某种相对平等的身份，仿佛坐在一张虚拟的圆桌上讨论各种各样的问题。无论如何，这是一个巨大的进步。 还是回到我自己的生活经历上来。当然，我也意识到自己在生命体验上的缺陷，"从校园到校园"的单薄履历，必然导致与外部现实生活的隔绝。这种隔绝，对于一个纯粹技术性的学者来说，不一定是负面的影响，有时甚至是必要的；但是，对于像我这样的写作者来说，却是致命的伤害--书本是苍白的，离开了生活的源头活水，写作将陷入危机之中。 鲁迅先生后来为什么要离开大学呢？除了北洋政府的威逼之外，我想，更加重要的原因恐怕正在于此。否则，到了上海，他依然可以到当地许多一流的大学里去教书。然而，鲁迅先生再也没有走进大学的校门。 在北京的时候，鲁迅先生已然深刻体会到：日益僵化的大学体制对知识分子完整的、本真的生命状态具有无形的伤害。他不愿继续被这种体制所伤害，于是选择了自由的、也是艰难的独立写作者的生涯。他的创作也就进入一个更加自由、更加博大、也更加深邃的境界。 我打算在获得硕士学位以后离开北大，去寻找更加广大的生活空间，去感受更加真切的现实生存。尽管许多师长和朋友都劝我留下来，但我还是决定要离开。我不恋栈北大，尽管在它温柔的羽翼下，我将获得在其他地方无法得到的安宁和静谧。但是，我更愿意独自去承受外面的风风雨雨。 北大仅仅是我生命历程中的一个关键的驿站，而不是终点。 前两天，我已经找好了房子，刚刚搬进去。是在北大西南角的一个名叫稻香园的小区。这是一个工人住宅区，楼房有些陈旧了，但环境倒还安静。 书籍还来不及上架，每次搬"家"--其实一个学生哪里有什么"家"，有的只是几十箱子的书籍--的时候，书籍总是让我最头痛的"财产"。几千册的书并不算多，但仅仅是装它们的箱子，就得找几十个。 搬家公司的工友，早先听说我没有任何电器家具，还以为遇到了一件轻松的工作，没有想到移动这几十箱子书，比搬运一个大家庭的物品还要累。 这些搬运工人，一听口音，都是我的四川老乡。他们当中的许多人，比我岁数还小，却已经扛起了生活的重担。他们告诉我，搬家的收入每次都是公司得"大头"，因此他们每人每次只能得五块钱。这让我感到震惊。看到他们累得汗如雨下、气喘如牛的样子，我赶紧背着带队的工头，悄悄地给他们每人加了一点工钱。虽然我也是一个穷学生，但我毕竟还有一点点能力帮助这些来自遥远的家乡的青年--至少能够让他们开心地吃上一顿红烧肉。 我在《巴比伦犹太教法典》中读到这样的一个故事：有钱的农场主卡尔布·萨瓦尔的女儿决定跟拉比·阿基瓦订婚了。阿基瓦当时是一个穷羊倌。当她的父亲听到这个婚约时，他发誓再也不给女儿一分钱、一份遗产。 这对年轻人冬天结婚了。他们很穷，晚上睡在稻草上。"要是我能够买些装饰品多好，"阿基瓦捡下他妻子头上的稻草说："我将给你买一个带着耶路撒冷图片的金的装饰品。" 一天，先知艾利加来看他们，他乔装成一个凡人。"给我一些稻草吧，"他在他们门外喊道，"我妻子快要生产了，可是我没有什么东西可以让她躺下。" "你瞧，"阿基瓦对妻子说，"我们以为自己很穷，可还有一个连稻草都没有的人呢。" 那么，我们也算是拥有稻草的人吧，我们还有几分能力帮助那些没有稻草的人。每个人对幸福的定义都是不同的，我相信，像我与你这样的人，会把拥有稻草也作为一种幸福的。 古犹太哲人莱维说："如果你想拯救一个人于淤泥之中，不要以为站在顶端，伸出援助之手就够了。你应该善始善终，亲身到淤泥里去，然后用一双有力的手抓住他，这样，你和他都将重新从淤泥中获得了新生。"他的话是说给我们所有人听的。 我愿意尝试着一点一点地开始做。每一次对他人的帮助，对自己傲慢的心态都将是一次洗礼。我在每一个细节上都意识到：与其说我在帮助他们，不如说他们也在帮助我。 The Bible says: 你在田间收割庄稼，若忘下一捆，不可回去再取，要留给寄居的，与孤儿寡妇。 你打橄榄树，枝上剩下的不可再打，要留给寄居的，与孤儿寡妇。 你摘葡萄园里的葡萄，所剩下的不可再摘，要留给寄居的，与孤儿寡妇。(《申命纪24：19-21》) 这几天，我正在辛苦地打扫、布置新居。离开父母为我营建的家已经五年了，第一次有了一间属于自己的小屋，一定要收拾得漂漂亮亮的。下次你到北京，可一定要到我的小屋子里来作客。那时候，我的小屋已经是一个宁静的家园了。 宁萱，你信上说到了扬州的饮食，虽然只有寥寥几句，却深深地吸引住了我。我是一个贪吃的人，用文雅的话来说，就是"美食家"。所以，假如有一天来扬州，我会在你的陪同下开怀大吃一通的。 Tingsheng 一九九九年九月十三日