Chapter 8 chapter eight

Now there is often a feeling of pity, like a bloody gas gushing out of my chest during "adolescence", rising from the bottom of my heart.Maybe it's a sign of my old age, I've never been sympathetic.But my sympathizers don't know who to sympathize with, whom to use the compassion in their hearts, so they often look up to the sky and sigh.The people around me are used to my sighing, but they don't understand why I sigh: I sigh when I read a book, I sigh when I read a newspaper, I sigh when I see a tall building being built, I sigh when I see a bridge turned into ruins, I sigh when I hear good things, I sigh when I hear scandals, Sigh when you are praised, when you are attacked, when you are successful, when you are suffering, and even when you are resting and idle, to the point where you sigh for everything and moan for nothing.I think I will never have a complete sentence when I am dying. It is probably the same as the "two poles" after their "married life", only a long sigh:

"It's over!" But I sigh neither for man nor for myself.I am grateful to fate for loving me so much. For all the people and things I have experienced, fate has shown off in front of me like an orange, as if letting me see clearly but not letting me see clearly; Pull me down for a while and throw me up for a while, make me understand for a while and be confused for a while.So in the end, I still can't reflect on the ways of the world. When I thought I was enlightened, I realized that I didn't. I have been between understanding and confusion all my life.After I started learning calligraphy, people often asked me for calligraphy. Once I asked a calligraphy seeker what words would you like me to write, and the calligraphy seeker sighed in thought, and said that he liked Zheng Banqiao's "Rarely Confused", as if he Unrecognized talents are repeatedly rejected because he understands too much.I couldn't help laughing when I heard it, and I said, you and I have never understood it in our lives, and even Zheng Banqiao has been confused all his life, so where does "rarely confused" come from?So I wrote him "It's rare to understand" with a swipe of my pen.Later I heard that he still didn’t want to hang it on the wall, because many people think they are smart, and all they know is the whole world; It is easiest to live life without understanding, and it is actually a very painful thing to "know" and understand. It is a happy state between understanding and confusion.Only when I was old did I realize that this was the best gift my fate gave me, and my sigh was an expression of gratitude.

As I said before, I worked with the ghosts and monsters of the group team every day, and gradually I felt a little sympathy for them.I don't know what mistakes they made when they were cadres, and I didn't see how they bossed around and oppressed the masses when they were superior. I only saw that today they are not only in front of the "boss" but also in front of me. It is still difficult.As soon as the reform-through-labor prisoners arrive at the cell, they have another world, steaming, boiling, boiling, and roasting all kinds of wild animals and plants brought back from the construction site one by one, and then enjoy them slowly; Think about what the family will send them.The ghosts and monsters here have to check the past, report the present, guarantee the future, and write exposing materials to deal with the transferees every day, as if they have been squeezed into a pile here all their lives, so they even snore when they sleep with a sad face.

The revolutionary masses are merciless to live tigers, and they torture them in a variety of ways, ruthlessly.Sometimes I would take a live tiger out to play at night, and when it was dragged back, it would be bloody and bloody as if it was really dead.I don't care about other live tigers, only I get up occasionally to move half-dead tigers to bandage them.Every time at this time, I think of the revolutionary novels I have read, which describe certain scenes of revolutionaries in the old society in prison, which seem to be somewhat similar to the special team.I didn't participate in the "Cultural Revolution", so of course I didn't understand the main principles of the "Cultural Revolution", and I didn't have time to read those long articles, but based on this alone, my feelings were inclined to the cadres who were punished until the following incident happened. thing.

After summer it's autumn, after autumn it's winter, and I don't feel bad about it.A few years later, I yearned for that time very much, and the special teams of labor reform teams often reappeared in my later dreams.Dreaming that I was arrested again, I didn't break out in a cold sweat, but there was a hint of joy of regaining puberty. I seemed to be born to face challenges.I understand why thousands of "educated youths" were forced to go to the mountains and countryside to suffer where they should not go, but today they recall singing "Youth without regrets" one by one.I have the same feeling with these old "intellectual youths". What we miss is the youth in that period of "adolescence". No matter where you put youth, it is the most glorious period in your life; Middle-aged and old people will gradually become "no regrets".This is probably one of the reasons why some people always favor the sins of the past and even beautify them. Who wants to admit that their youth was wasted on worthless things?

Yes, the sun I saw when I was a teenager is also different from the sun I see now.Once I was visiting an Indian reservation in Indiana, USA. There was a loud bang on the side of the highway, and a huge red sunset fell. It was so beautiful that I couldn’t describe it to her. I thought about it for a long time Only then did I come up with the most apt comparison: "That is the same as the sunset I saw in the wilderness during my labor reform period! Fate just made my adolescence happen at that time. I have no choice. When I get old, my feelings about life will be the same The experience at that time is the benchmark." At that time, every page of the book I read can be remembered now, but now I read even a short epigram and forget it in a blink of an eye.Old people tend to become rigid because the aging brain can no longer accommodate new things, and we can only be the carrier of tradition.Now ask me to repeat what I did yesterday, I can't explain clearly, ask me to talk about the old sesame seed and rotten millet thirty or forty years ago, but I will chatter endlessly.

Let’s not gossip, let’s say that the days are going through the winter like this, and there is not much work in the northern farmland. The rural areas generally call these months “winter leisure”.But of course the revolutionary masses are reluctant to let the ghosts and monsters of the special team idle. Such a tame labor force can no longer be found in the world, and only continuous forced labor can reform the bad guys.There are fewer jobs in the fields, but there are still many jobs near the residential areas. If you want to find jobs to do, there will be endless jobs in the world.The "head" of the farm made some adjustments to the work of the ghosts and monsters, and ordered all of them to write a "year-end guarantee letter."The work assigned by other ghosts and ghosts is relatively heavy, and even asks to move the adobe from one place to another, and then to move the adobe there back to the original place, tossing people and adobe back and forth.I still can't figure out how this repetitive simple labor can transform people's minds, and it is said that monkeys slowly evolve into humans by moving adobe back and forth.

The job assigned to me is cleaning the toilet.Don't think that cleaning the toilet is a dirty job, it is the most trustworthy expression of the revolutionary masses in me, because one of the toilets is in the former cadres' family area, and now the new "boss" who came to power lives there, also known as "Ge Gan". " and their families.Normally, ghosts and monsters are never allowed to come out in that area. It is said that it is to strictly prevent bad people from poisoning and assassinating, waiting for opportunities to retaliate, wooing the descendants of the revolution, or eavesdropping on "gossip" and "latest instructions" and so on.But I was able to go in and out of the restricted area with a shovel and pickaxe every morning and afternoon. The shovel pickaxe was regarded as a murder weapon at that time, and none of the "gegans" or their family members and children intervened.The descendants of the revolution also like to play with me. They often aim at me with small wooden pistols and shoot "quack". Their mothers do not stop them when they see it, as if I have become one of them. Proud, in the words written on the letter of guarantee at the time: "Under the supervision of the revolutionary masses, I am determined to use the invincible Mao Zedong Thought to overcome the non-proletarian ideology, and to transform my decadent worldview by cleaning toilets, so that the revolutionary masses have no worries. , wholeheartedly implement Chairman Mao's revolutionary line."

The toilets on the farm are euphemistically called Japanese toilets, but they are actually made of adobe with three walls and a reed shed.The men and women are only separated by an adobe wall that can be pushed down easily. Seven or eight squatting pits are dug on each side, and piles of excrement are exposed to the broad daylight. Every morning, every pit is piled up, which often makes me I can't help but wonder how high a person's buttocks must be pushed up to excrete. The feces must fall like a bomb.Fortunately, it was winter, and the smell was bearable.But I cleaned it with that kind of passion and full enthusiasm, even if the stench was high, I would not complain, not to mention that it is free to come and go without being blown by wind and rain.As soon as I entered the toilet, it was like a worker entering a workshop, throwing off my arms and starting to fuck.The technological process of digging out the toilet is very simple. Use a shovel to shovel the excrement from the cesspit to a large pile outside the toilet, and then use it to cover the excrement, and add it layer by layer to let them ferment. Best Farmyard Manure.Then evenly sprinkle a thin layer of fine soil in the cesspit, and the operation of a toilet is over.

There are five toilets and more than eighty pits in the residential area, which made me know how to measure the number of people in a government unit. Later, I visited many government units and schools in many countries and regions. How many people are active.So I disagree that the intellectual quality of Chinese intellectuals is poor, and Chinese intellectuals have accumulated experiences that intellectuals in other countries do not have.At the same time, I did realize the power of "thought" and its important role in "promoting production". What is the difference between a man's stool and a child's stool, a man's stool and a woman's stool, a healthy person's stool and a sick person's stool, and so on.It is a pity that this knowledge has never been recognized by the academic community, otherwise I could write several papers on it.

However, after more than ten days, there is a phenomenon that confuses me more and more.From the first day I cleaned, I found that there were bloody medical bandages and various papers in some of the cesspools. The blood color ranged from bright red to deep purple, and these bloody objects only appeared in the women's toilet.At first it didn't catch my attention very much, but I couldn't help but be amazed that it happened every day and every time.In that "excellent situation", I can only think of someone who was beaten. Is there another secret place where live tigers are held in this farm besides the special team, and the animals are live tigress?Although this is not my business, it arouses my curiosity, which makes me look unpredictable every time I go to clean the toilet, looking around like a thief, trying to find out where the injured woman came from. where to go.But the women who came to the toilet showed no abnormal behavior, but some of them were reserved and began to take off their pants before entering the toilet.When they got out of the toilet, everyone looked relaxed. Some women even hummed and sang revolutionary songs, and when they went back, they only went back to their own homes. My "bourgeois humanitarian" aftermath is really hopeless, and solving this mystery has become my main purpose of cleaning the toilets every day, as if the scouts have some special mission and cleaning the toilets is just a disguise.Although I can't save anyone, I think I can still express a little sympathy. How can I remain indifferent when I see a woman bleeding so much?I also conducted a careful study of these bloody objects.The results of the research are as follows: First, a few are medical bandages and rags, and most of them are various papers, including old newspapers, unedged paper, straw paper, and even farm letterheads, students’ textbooks and other waste paper; The bloody objects all have creases, and the blood color is the deepest in the protruding fold in the middle. It seems that the injured part is between the cracks of the limbs; third, more than one woman was injured, but the injured parts are exactly the same.What surprised me the most was this third point.The revolutionary masses tortured live male tigers indiscriminately, often causing injuries all over their bodies. Why did they beat women only in one place? Later, I was often ashamed of my ignorance, and I also felt that my childishness was ridiculous, but then I gradually became able to treat everything with a calm mood, because what happened continuously later made me finally understand that people live in ignorance all their lives and childish state.Things that seemed very important, urgent, worrying, or ridiculous at the time were later discovered to be nothing but "empty self-sorrow" or "empty joy".People are always played by fate like ignorant puppets, jumping up and down on the stage of life.Even people who live to be a hundred years old are immature children.Realizing this, you will be able to face any situation in reality with equanimity, but this kind of calmness in the face of reality is the last bite of steamed bread that will make you full. I am full and tired of eating. Worrying is not worth worrying, anger is not worthy of anger, distressing is not worthy of distress, joy is not worthy of joy... everything is illusion and not reality, even my own existence is like a cloud , so I reached a state, however, at this time, I also know that my "adolescence" has come to an end. But at that time, I was still in "adolescence", and I was distracted by the bloody object and couldn't find out the reason. Finally, I couldn't bear it anymore and told the monsters and ghosts, hoping to mobilize everyone's ingenuity to find out Another mysterious team.It is said that the moment of that night was the peak of the laughter of the monsters and monsters in the history of China's "Cultural Revolution". Later, they were not as happy when they heard the "highest instructions" to liberate them.Being able to create such a joyous atmosphere for the ghosts and monsters is my great contribution to the "Cultural Revolution".All twenty or so live tigers were laughing up and down, their postures were all kinds of strange, their laughter was ghostly and wolf howling, and two live tigers even laughed out their tears.After they stopped laughing, I realized that it was the "menstruation" that women have once a month, and at the same time, I also knew which part of the woman it came from.It turns out that the words "inconvenient body", "coming body" or "flushing" that often appear in old novels refer to this incident. Although "flowing red" is very close to menstruation, who can associate such a gorgeous word as "flowers fall into water and flow red" with dirty excrement? !The obscurity of Japanese novels is really harmful!It is a great progress for literature that our modern novels are written so frankly. I also laughed ashamedly. The "traitor" said that my question was the most ridiculous thing he had heard in his life, and he must pass it on to future generations in the future, so that such ridiculous things should not be easily buried; The famous saying "the noble is the most stupid"; the old "landlords" almost died of laughter, and coughed to death on the grass; , "Smile, ten years old", thank me for enabling him to live ten years longer; "Second Pole" spattered spit on my face again, but because I let him live a "marital life" with his wife, I tried my best to protect me , Said that he believed that it was indeed my ignorance, not that I was pretending to be stupid, and also pointed out that there used to be a scholar in their village who lived to more than 30 years old and did not understand "marital life" to prove "the theory that studying is useless". Then the monsters and ghosts discussed the bloody objects I saw.Messy mess, soft materials of all kinds, experienced people think this is new to them.According to them, most women sew a special strap out of cloth and always keep it on hand. When the body comes, they put straw paper on the strap and clip it in the genitals. They also tirelessly drew a sketch for me on the mud floor with matchsticks. , let me understand which cloth rope is tied to the waist like our men's trouser belt, how the belt is connected to the cloth rope on the waist, where and how to use the toilet paper pad, etc. It is equivalent to giving me a class on gynecological knowledge class.While listening to this, I felt that women's lives are more complicated and troublesome than men's. How can women be made to work like men?But they said that working women in the new society are entitled to a three-day holiday called "menstruation" once a month, which is the care for working women.I nodded and said this is still humanitarian.And they also said that although working women enjoy the "right to menstruation", they have lost the basic right to pay attention to hygiene, because "grasping revolution" has made society unable to supply even toilet paper, and now only female "educated youth" who go to the mountains and the countryside When returning to the city to visit relatives, they can bring some papyrus, and ordinary women in the farm and rural areas have to use what they have on hand.The medical bandage must have been left by Xiao Wang and Li in the infirmary. Apart from them, how can other women be so convenient? Speaking of this, the "capitalist-roaders" suddenly frowned and said that they should be exposed. This is a serious act of false public benefit.Medical bandages belong to the state property, how can individuals be allowed to use menstrual belts casually?Xiao Wang Xiaoli was assigned to the farm after graduating from nursing school. He was the one who approved to become a regular worker, but now he joined the "rebel faction" one by one.So the cheerful atmosphere became very angry and serious in the blink of an eye. The ghosts and snakes gritted their teeth one by one, "revealing their true colors" as they said at the time. Sure enough, they were not only tigers but also alive.The "traitor" who was originally the director of the farm's political department said thoughtfully that we should study it carefully, and from here we can "find a breakthrough."That toilet is for the exclusive use of "gegans" and "bosses". If their family members are found to use newspapers with "supreme instructions" or photos of the great leader as papyrus, it is a very serious political incident, which can be compared with "vicious attacks on the great leader." "In connection, there were many men and women who were shot and sentenced for this matter at that time.This idea was quickly responded by ghosts and monsters known as "traitors and anti-capitalists", and all of them praised this plan as great and wonderful! But who will discover the crime of "violent attack" of using newspapers and books printed with leaders' portraits or "supreme instructions" as menstrual paper?Of course only I have this opportunity.So the "traitors and anti-capitalists" mobilized me to "collect materials", saying that this was a very important "political task" and that the "Cultural Revolution" was a profound "political struggle". As a reformed rightist, I Molecules should actively participate in this movement to atone for their crimes and make due contributions to defending Chairman Mao's revolutionary line.I hesitate to ask if such a thing is too obscene? The "traitors and anti-capitalists" unanimously said that "political struggle" must be so unscrupulous. Didn't you see that they bruised us all over?This shows that they are following the "reactionary line of the left in form and the right in reality", and the conflict between us and them is already a life-and-death conflict between the enemy and ourselves, and we must make up our minds to overcome all difficulties and regain the "dictatorship of the proletariat".They talked a lot here and there, and I couldn't understand it very deeply for a while.All in all, this task is very glorious, and to accept it is to accept "the baptism of the great proletarian cultural revolution". The "capitalist-roaders" also made a wish that after they regained the lost power, they would treat me as a "conflict among the people". When one problem is solved, another bigger problem arises.If I did not participate in their "political struggle", I would not defend Chairman Mao's revolutionary line, and would be disloyal to the "dictatorship of the proletariat", and the first glorious task of participating in a political struggle turned out to be to check the menstrual paper!I don't know what a bloody newspaper is acceptable, but it's a bit embarrassing to know its ins and outs.But the former director of the political department, the "traitor", stared at me with deep and piercing eyes and said, this is a political test for a rightist. Don't look at those "rebels" who are now showing their teeth and claws and pretending to trust you, but they are "The rabbit's tail can't grow long", the great proletarian cultural revolution will surely win the final victory, and the great rivers and mountains will still return to the hands of the proletarian revolutionary cadres. I hope I will think twice about which one to follow. The former director of the Political Department deserves to be the director of the Political Department. He is good at doing ideological work, articulate and citing classics, full of logic and persuasiveness.Seeing that I bowed my head and made no sound, I thought I acquiesced, so I taught me the specific steps: the first step, check whether there is such a menstrual paper in the women's toilet, if not, the next step is to pay close attention to which family members use it If there is such a thing left behind the toilet, it can be sure that it was used by the woman.Then I picked it up and gave it to them, and they wrote a letter of denunciation to the higher-level "Military Control Commission" to report it.At that time, the menstrual paper will be important physical evidence and I will be an important witness. The head portrait of the leader who was contaminated by the menstrual station will testify in court together with me.I must stand up and resolutely defend the great leader, and send the family of the "gegan" who deserves to die to be shot, and I will be pulled off the horse even if I am implicated in that "gegan". This is my once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to make meritorious service!The words were both combat mobilization and combat deployment, exactly the same as the popular "anti-special film" at that time, and my internal organs were writhing and my whole body turned cold.I didn't expect that people's hearts are so sinister and complicated, and political struggles are so cruel and dirty, it would be better to stay in the labor camp and be safe. In the early morning of the next day, I walked into the women's bathroom with a shovel and broom in a daze. Sure enough, there were a lot of menstrual paper waiting for me to check. As usual, most of them used newspapers as toilet paper.This added another piece of knowledge to me: from what material is used instead of papyrus, one can infer the woman's living standard, that is, her social rank on the farm.Knowing what the blood-stained newspaper is for, I feel pity. Which woman is willing to put such a hard paper between her legs?Walking back and forth a few times will definitely cause the skin to bleed. I paid a little attention when I shoveled out the feces. There was no "supreme instruction" or leader's portrait on the blood-stained newspaper, which showed the cautiousness of revolutionary women and their love and devotion to the great leader.However, whether it is news or articles in newspapers, there are "serving the people" in a row, and these five words appear almost every one or two lines.At that time, it was stipulated that all quotations from Chairman Mao should be printed in boldface in newspapers. Although "serve the people" was Chairman Mao's words, these five words were not typeset in boldface in the article. Can this be regarded as "supreme instruction"? "Using it to report and expose?I stared at "serving the people" and spent a lot of time thinking. It seems that the "breakthrough" of the ghosts and snakes is difficult to find, and my chances of making meritorious service and atonement are very slim.At that time, the people who beat people and the people who were beaten sang "serve the people" in the same way as the old country woman chanted "Namo Amitabha". "Serving the people" was soaked in the blood of menstruation. I've never felt nauseous when cleaning toilets, but this morning I suddenly vomited over the bloody "serving the people". People, how can you tell me to have mercy on you!