Chapter 5 chapter Five

Soon after, this good friend of mine passed away at the age of just over sixty.Surely he went to the funeral home with many dreams that he had purposely not crushed, and cremated them with his body: "Earth to earth, soul to soul."Dreams are the core of his soul; they are filtered by real life and peeled off by illness, and finally there is something that really belongs to him.That is the best funeral object for him.He cherishes them to the point of being stingy, and doesn't tell the world about them easily.There aren't many of his works, and one of the films left to us is called:

"The Corner Forgotten by Love"! After getting out of the cupboard and saying goodbye to the beautiful white triangle, I only read about love and women in novels and dramas.I found that there seems to be a clear boundary in the description of love in novels and dramas. Love only existed in the past era, and it disappeared like a dinosaur in the new era for no reason.Love seems to be in conflict with the construction of a new world and a new society; all the literary and artistic propaganda materials have declared to people with one voice: if love occurs between men and women of different classes, it is doomed to a bad end and will definitely end in tragedy. They are all revolutionary classes, that is a comradely relationship.Comrade relationship is the purest and noblest relationship above all relationships.This noble relationship covers all human relationships, including the relationship between the sexes. Men and women have no obvious gender characteristics in this noble relationship, and they are both "revolutionary comrades." "Talking about love" only appears before the protagonist has class consciousness. After the revolutionary consciousness, even husband and wife only talk about revolutionary work, exchange learning experience, criticize and self-criticize, and will no longer be sweet and sweet; "man-female style" It is always associated with "making mistakes", and "relationships between men and women" is a very serious crime. Even the prisoners in the labor reform team look down on "hooligans" who "mess up with men and women".All in all, there is absolutely no good thing when the two words "male and female" are connected together.

The whole social environment is like this, how can I show "youth pull" in "adolescence" and arouse my admiration, love or sexual desire for women?Love is a kind of "petty bourgeois sentiment", and those who "engage" this sentiment are likely to be classified as bourgeois, and I am already a bourgeois without talking about love, and talking about love is even more reactionary. Which female classmate dared to risk the world to "talk about love" with me.So I became a person without any "sensitivity", a person "out of vulgar taste".It's not just me, almost all Chinese people's lives and emotions are sealed tightly by the discipline buttons on the collar of the uniform.Tens of thousands of young people don't go through "adolescence" and suddenly enter middle age, which makes Chinese people look deep, introverted, cautious in words and deeds, and old-fashioned.Sure enough, with the development of the social context, the word "love" is generally replaced by the word "find a partner".A process of emotional communication that may be very lingering, warm and emotional, is simplified into a breeding behavior that goes straight to the ultimate goal. "Finding a partner" is nothing more than "mating" in animal groups.When I was herding horses, herding sheep and feeding pigs on the farm, whenever the livestock came into estrus, the captain asked me to drive the animals to the breeding station for breeding. He always stood outside the door with his hands on his hips and yelled at me like this:

"It's time to find someone for them!" The whole of China has become a "corner forgotten by love".In my opinion, love is just "estrus"! However, at that time, after all, I had reached the "adolescence" of the physiological stage. I was "in heat" but couldn't find the object of "estrus", so I had to look for some Chinese and foreign classical novels that had not been banned from reading.The beauties and ladies on the yellow pages of the book are full of charms, and they soothe my soul longing for women through my eyes. At that time, I thought it was just "feasting the eyes", but later I realized that it was the so-called "obscenity".Because of "obscenity" all day long, I have x + y taught in school. Z and the bible-like chemical molecular formulas, etc. are completely ignorant, and every homework in mathematics, physics and chemistry is a blank paper.A few years later, a famous "Mr. Baijuan" appeared in China. I think he was probably the result of "obscenity" like me.But he was far luckier than me, and he became the successor of the revolution because of the blank papers, but I was regarded as an appropriate political target by the school.At that time, even ordinary middle schools had to carry out a "loyal and frank" political campaign, which was said to be a necessary process for the transformation of intellectuals, and the school held meetings every day to mobilize middle school students to "confess" to the leaders.I don't know what the leader needs so many "hearts" for. The "hearts" submitted by the teenage middle school students are very simple and cannot meet the needs of the leaders. So the leaders search for complex "hearts" among students with complicated family backgrounds. Students from families like me bear the brunt of it.But other students from poor family backgrounds are doing very well in their studies, and my "Mr. Baijuan" has become the top priority.

I really wanted to hand over the content of "obscenity" to the leader, but it was difficult to say it for a while. When I was hesitating and considering words, one day the head teacher took the initiative to talk to me about "heart".He called me into his office to talk about "heart" as the moral quality that the proletariat must possess.Then ask me kindly if I know that personal items are often lost in the dormitory.Products, what socks, ink, envelopes, letter paper, stamps, pens, needles, threads, brains, etc. and so on.I said I knew, I lost a pair of socks myself.The class teacher said that it is good that you know, very good!You should confess to the leader that you "take" it.I asked in amazement how could I "get" my own socks?The head teacher inspired me and said: It's not that you "take" your own things, but you "take" things from your classmates.I shook my head decisively and said that I had never "taken" anything from my classmates.The class teacher said that you should admit that you have "taken" things. You were born in a bourgeois family. People born in that kind of family are born different from those born in proletarian families. They have the problem of "taking" other people's things. You admitted it. , Once you know it, that kind of problem can be completely corrected.I wondered and said that I didn't seem to have that kind of problem since I was a child. Isn't that kind of problem just "stealing"?The class teacher took the trouble to teach me that people of bourgeois origin have such a problem unconsciously. Besides, "taking" is different from "stealing". "Taking" is accidental, while "stealing" is regular.You just "took" something from a classmate by accident, how could it be connected with "stealing"?Although this makes sense, I still can't figure it out. This is even harder to understand than the difference between "youth" and "youth wave".The head teacher tolerantly said that you should think about it carefully, and admit it honestly when you figure it out. He also said that it would definitely be "good" for me to admit it. "After buying things from my classmates, I continued to study as usual, as if nothing happened.

The head teacher would talk to me about my "heart" at least three times a day, and the students talked a lot, which made me feel like a thorn in my back all day. What's more, the head teacher's earnest words finally moved me, and I felt that it would be okay to admit that I had "taken" things from my classmates if I didn't follow his teachings. I'm so sorry teacher.Finally I lowered my head and asked him, what do you think I "take"?Seeing that I was finally persuaded by him, the teacher in charge leaned back on the wicker chair easily, took out a pen and paper for me to record, he opened his little book and read one item, I wrote one item, three pairs of socks, ten stamps, envelopes A stack of used letter paper, a pair of sneakers, two bottles of ink, one pen, four pencils, and so on.After I finished writing it and handed it to him, he was very surprised when he looked at it at a glance, and said that the addition of each item was not "taken" by chance, but "stealed" by necessity!He shook his head and lamented how difficult it is to educate students from bourgeois families.

A few days later, the school announced that I would be expelled. This was the "benefit" promised to me by the head teacher.Forty years later, this middle school celebrated its 50th anniversary, and at the same time compiled a "Classmates Record". It is said that I am one of the most accomplished students trained by my alma mater. My alma mater wrote to me asking for photos and "a few words words", I wrote "Thanks to my alma mater for giving me a difficult start" and sent it to her.The so-called "difficult starting point" mainly refers to the fact that the school called my mother to the school on the day when I was expelled, and after the principal announced that I was a "thief" in public on the playground, he let my mother meet me under the peritoneum of everyone.This is probably a way that the school adopted at that time to educate students and parents at the same time.I saw my mother kindly sitting on the bench in the school corridor to welcome me, and tears welled up in my eyes, but my mother held my hand and said that she never believed that I could steal, even if someone taught me!My mother didn't shed a single tear, but gave my alma mater a polite and contemptuous smile as she left.

For the sake of my mother, I completely cut off the bad habit of "sexual obscenity".Since then, I have thought about everything in the world, except women.So my "adolescence" can only be expressed in another form. Not long after I was expelled from school, I entered the barbed wire fence. The bane planted by (Three Hundred Tang Poems) finally thrived and blossomed.At that time, the most dangerous occupation in society was not a thief but a poet. As a young man of bourgeois origin, I wanted to "steal" and write poetry. Blame me for asking for bad luck. Fortunately, according to the prisoner who was in the labor camp with me, "I saw the old sow Sai Diaochan in prison for three years." These words vividly describe how hungry a man who has not seen a woman for a long time will become. All as beauties.But I don't feel the torture of sexual repression just because I have no contact with women at all and don't think about women at all.When I see a pig, especially a pig that I can kill, I just want to get it to my mouth.One winter, when I was removing manure in a pigsty, a suckling pig walked towards me humming and humming. I estimated the polished shovel in my hand and looked at its neck. The light of the shovel flashed and its small head fell to the ground. .My technique was as fast as Grandma Gongsun wielding a sword: "Come like thunder, stop wrath, and stop like rivers and seas condense and clear light." The surrounding prisoners and labor camps did not even hear the cry of the pig.When the work was over, its blood was gone, so I picked it up and put it in my arms, and went back to have a big meal around the stove with my fellow sufferers.

A few years later, there was a movie based on a novel I wrote, in which the protagonist thought of suicide in suffering, so many people thought that I thought the same way.Little did I know that not only did I never think about suicide, but what I thought about every day was how to kill edible animals, including mice, frogs and epilepsy clams;I once read a revolutionary novel called "The Spectrum of the Red Flag", and I forgot everything else except one sentence: "When you get out of the water, look at the muddy legs." "Out of the water, look at the mud on the legs"!How well said!Like "Tears full of clothes" will always inspire my fighting spirit.This is the benefit of "adolescence" without women without love and hate. It allows me to avoid sexual suffering in the most difficult situation and spare all my energy to give full play to my ability to survive.

The "adolescence" without women and love is stronger, because this "adolescence" does not contain a little moisture.woman.Things like love, husband and wife, and family are actually softeners for men. A drop of tenderness in a man's heart will make his whole body osteoporotic and weak.Men have no opposite sex to pursue, and "puberty" is manifested as an attack on the same sex.And this is exactly what is necessary for self-protection in a labor camp; you have to keep your eyes open, if you don’t attack someone else they will attack you.Among wolves you must be shrewd, cunning, and dark as a wave.Although the labor camps are all intellectuals, most of them have been influenced by Tang poetry and Song poetry like me, and they are all well-dressed and elegant in society, but "mutual supervision", "mutual reporting" and "mutual exposure" plus hunger and fatigue , making us gradually and unconsciously degenerate into half-human, half-animal.Once intellectuals have 50% animal nature, their attacks will be more strategic, which is much more vicious than real beasts.It is my great luck that I just entered some animal nature in the country of "adolescence" of human nature.Even if a male prisoner who has passed "adolescence" turns into a beast, he is just an old and sick beast, and he should not try to take advantage of the wasteland of "ideological struggle".Whether in heaven or hell, whether it is a god, tiger or dog, whoever is in "adolescence" is full of vitality.Later, the old and weak beasts were no match for the "adolescent" beasts in their wits and courage, and they died of heart failure in the labor camp. .

Today, my hands shake as I write this history.