Chapter 2 Chapter two

Now I know how helpless a person's life is. Of course, the bearer of the body and skin is a woman. A little girl who is several years older than me is my neighbor who should be called "sister". I can't think of her name and overall image as hard as I can. It's not as impressive as the impression my first teacher left on me.All the characters in the memory gradually become symbols or codes; time widens the distance between the present and the point of occurrence, making all graspable things fly from the fingertips.The first teacher is just because the symbol composed of melon skin hat and beard has been adopted so far so that I still remember it, but the sensuality is just because it is a feeling, and the image of the flesh is so weak that it does not exist.This is the sad part of people gradually living to old age, all concrete things and even close people will disappear without a trace, and finally, even oneself will disappear, becoming a symbol or code in the impression of others.According to my observation, not only the elderly, it seems that all people will gradually be infected with different degrees of amnesia and dementia when they enter middle age.Life forces people to tend to what Buddhism calls "emptiness".

But after all I had that moment, I had that feeling.That feeling will never be innate, even if it is symbols and codes, it should come after the real thing.I remember she took me on tiptoe, hastily and breathlessly ran around several houses, and the gloomy courtyard of the house came alive because of us.We really poked around like mice until she finally settled on a big cupboard in that big house. The strange thing is that I remember the cabinet very clearly. It was the color of rosewood, and there was a strong aroma of camphor in it.Since then, I have developed a unique liking for the color of purple and the smell of camphor. The color of purple and the smell of camphor will always arouse my lust.However, that also restricted my emotional coverage, so that I could no longer break out of this limitation of color and taste in this life.Every kind of encounter is a number of misses, and that kind of narrowness made me miss countless love encounters later.

She pulled me into the cupboard and closed the door.The world went dark immediately.There are only her and me in the whole world.Because I held my breath nervously for a while, after relaxing, she and I naturally had to take a deep breath. I found her lips pressed against my cheeks, her breath was hot and moist, and it gave me a feeling of numbness and numbness. Itchy warmth.Such a close distance has a special allure, which attracts me to get closer to her, so I unconsciously snuggle towards her in the dark.Later, of course, I also had the same dangerous distance with other women, but I could never regain the state of fat, unintentional, and purely natural impulse, so I thought that all conscious, premeditated, warm-up actions and Language, or "love," as it is commonly called, is not at all interesting, but only "in heat." "Fate" is essentially accidental, random and random.

She put her arms around me.The already hot temperature outside rose suddenly inside the cabinet, and the thin layer of cloth was nothing.So this made me often pay attention to the texture of textiles after I became "sensible", but I have never seen a fabric with a thickness equal to zero.The greasy sweat between me and her came from someone who was oozing out. This kind of sweat was particularly smooth and cool, as if we were bound together by this kind of adhesive.This determines that I will never be able to make out with women with dry skin for the rest of my life.Since both of us are afraid of being caught by the "cat", we have formed a community of destiny.We hug each other.Thinking back now, our posture was absolutely irregular. In the dark, our two bodies kneaded into a lump of flesh.Probably that was only a moment, and at that moment I completely reached an ulterior bond with her.Her hands swam repeatedly on my chest, back, shoulders, and lower abdomen, both gentle and strong. As long as she swam to the meaty part of my body, her palms would automatically bite together, and every bite was like a fish and butterfly. , just right, let my young heart experience the feeling of "kind" "cut" from now on; Han Jae is so great, the word "cut" really fits "cut"!I also responded in this way completely unconsciously, like a conditioned reflex, and like our movements must correspond up and down like the couplets taught by the teacher.Only then did I realize that there is another kind of flesh and skin in the world. Touching it is much more comfortable than scratching myself. The comfort of tickling myself is on the skin, but the comfort of touching her is deep in my heart. , which has a completely different experience.

The rules of the game of "cat and mouse" decided that we had to separate in the end.I have completely forgotten how and what happened after the separation.Although now I can make fictions and fantasies, any additions are superfluous.The ambiguous or warm touch is indescribable and cannot be described in words. The feeling is like your own blood flowing and rubbing against the blood vessels. Who can say it accurately? Perhaps, it was just an "event" for me, a "ritual" of entering puberty, a spiritual birthmark I branded in order to force myself to set an "epoch-making" stage in my life, and that "sister" But it is completely unconscious, her touching is purely out of family affection or enthusiasm, it is neither a manifestation of her "adolescence", nor has anything to do with "sex".The wind wrinkles the spring water unintentionally, but the spring water is wrinkled by the wind; the water thinks it has a tacit understanding with the wind, but the wind just treats blowing as a game.However, after the water was wrinkled by the wind and was never blown by the wind, the pool of water became stagnant water, and that wind will remain in the memory of the water forever.

The "ritual" in the cupboard is very important to me in that I now consider myself to be my first communication with the opposite sex - I was touched and caressed by the opposite sex, thus making me "in heat" for the first time.If that was the beginning of my "adolescence", I would have matured too early like a puppy.I am not extraordinary in intelligence, let alone an extremely intelligent child prodigy, but I have premature sensitivity to the opposite sex. Not only is this not worth showing off, but I should also feel ashamed.However, as mentioned above, since that "ceremony", my "adolescence" or "estrus" has been stagnant for a long time without any progress, like a small meteor that disappears one after another, and falls into a world that no one knows. wasteland.As mentioned earlier, that encounter has since restricted my emotional orientation and lost the universality of "sprinkling rain and dew". In terms of nutrition, I am more "partial eclipse". In this way, my interest in the opposite sex Not only did it not rise because of it, but it fell because of it.Therefore, that luck was actually a misfortune. It was a setback and depression I suffered in my childhood, which prevented me from getting such a spontaneous and warm embrace for the rest of my life.

After the cabinet "incident", the strange feeling didn't last long, and even gradually faded away.However, after 40 to 50 years, that feeling came back to life and became more and more intense. Now, it has almost become my homework to go into the cupboard every day before going to bed to review it.One of the wonderful benefits of getting old is that you can hide in a quiet corner and go into your memories to pick up things that were lost in the past.All the details that have been lost in the past, even if they are stitches and threads, will become very precious when they are tossed out in my mind today. I can also taste the warmth from the scolding by my parents and teachers back then.

A person keeps running forward from birth, throwing away life and time along the way, like a necklace that is off the line, losing one by one realistic feelings along the way, and these feelings will only be discovered when they are old. They are all shining pearls.For the elderly, there is nothing in the real world that can give him a strong temptation, and the passing time is the most alluring.So every old man walked back slowly, picking up and picking up non-stop on the way back, and his back was probably bent because of this.