It was not until the early 1980s, when I was in my fifties, that I knew the word "puberty".In the past, I only knew that there was a word called "youth". When I first read it, I was just six years old, and I didn't know what it meant.The teacher who enlightened me was an old scholar from the countryside on the south bank of Chongqing, but he was not from Chongqing. My mother said that he, like us, also fled from Jiangsu and Zhejiang to "accompanied capital". "Downriver people" category.Now when I think of him, I can’t help but admire the ability of serial painters and film and television make-up artists to reproduce the historical appearance. Now all the private school students who appear in the picture are very similar to my first teacher, including the classic melon skin hat, so it also makes me feel like I can never forget what he looked like.He only taught a few children in my family, and he read "Three Hundred Tang Poems" at the beginning of school, unlike ordinary private school teachers who use "Thousand Characters" and "Children's Learning Qionglin" as textbooks.He seems to like Du Fu's poems very much. The first poem I learned was "Wangyue": "How about Mrs. Dai Zong, Qilu is still young." Can't find it.Once, he recited "Sword outside suddenly spread to Jibei, tears filled his clothes when he heard it for the first time. But he saw what his wife was worried about, and the volume of poems and books was ecstatic. Singing songs during the day requires drinking too much, and the company of youth is good to return home. That is to say, from Baxia When crossing the Wu Gorge, I went down to Xiangyang to Luoyang", suddenly covered my face with the book and cried bitterly, really "tears all over my clothes".The nose was creaking, and hearing such a loud noise, anyone would be surprised that this person's nostrils are not trivial.He cried so much that his whole body trembled, especially the white beard under his chin trembled more violently, tears and snot were wiped on the desk casually.Seeing an adult, and the teacher we have always been afraid of, would cry like us, a group of six and seven-year-old children below laughed and screamed.From then on we were no longer afraid of him.

However, because of his enlightenment, I have been influenced by poetry since I was a child. Unfortunately, I became a poet once when I grew up, and I was imprisoned for more than 20 years.In addition, another reason why I still don't forget him for a long time is: he is a scholar who I have never seen since then who can really immerse himself in poetry, and he can be said to be a "poetry fanatic".Regardless of what others think, regardless of the impression your actions will make on others, you put your heart and soul into the melodious tone of sleep, shake your head and indulge your feelings, dare to cry and laugh, and dare to vent yourself happily.Although he was driven out of his hometown by the Japanese like countless "downriver people" and lived in poverty, the more I admire him in the future, he still maintains spiritual independence; just take him crying in front of the child as an example, I can It is concluded that he belongs to the last generation of Wenshang with a strong character in China.Later, I traveled all over China and the world, and I have never seen anyone who has the sincerity to express his feelings through a certain art form, and I have never seen anyone who is so deeply moved by a certain artwork.The world has changed, and people’s hearts have hardened. All the pretensions of self-proclaimed artists and art lovers, the so-called "gentlemen", can no longer impress me.

However, I still haven't figured out what "youth" means, Mr. Private School has always been puzzled. The words "Jibei", "Baxia", "Wuxia", "Xiangyang" and "Luoyang" seem to be place names. I don't know much about the others, but I have a very vivid image of the poem "Tears full of clothes". And intuitive understanding.In the following decades, I encountered countless occasions that would make me cry, and even force me to cry bitterly, but as soon as the tears overflowed the lacrimal glands, the image of him with snot and tears would appear in my mind. When I cry, I laugh instead.His suffering has always been an indelible comic in my childhood eyes, and I think of him, even in my adulthood.When I was very old, I immediately became childish, which benefited me a lot in my life; the teacher's bitter cry made me eternally young and even rejuvenated, no matter how deeply I understood his noble spirit later, he Integrating with Du Fu, he is the incarnation of Du Fu, but his crying seems to be always a joke in life, and it still makes me laugh.The first teacher inadvertently planted in my heart a sense of humor to resist and resolve pain, so that I can live to this day.

Later, I went to regular school and junior high school, and the word "youth" appeared in textbooks more and more.However, none of the teachers explained the meaning of "youth" in detail, just like the verb "youth" and "eat", everyone would understand without saying anything.Especially in middle school, "Dedicate your youth to the motherland" has become a slogan that every young person must follow.Middle school students "only because they are in Lushan Mountain" do not feel that "youth" is particularly valuable, thinking that it is probably only a period of time in a person's life.But is it enough for a person to dedicate only this part of his life to the motherland?When you reach middle age and old age, the time is completely your own?Or the motherland does not need your other time, but only your precious "youth"?None of the young people have delved into these issues.But as time went on, the motherland seemed to need more and more, and every Chinese person's life seemed not to be his own. So, what special significance does it have to donate "youth"?Really, no one thought about it.

In the 1980s, Chinese people suddenly began to discover that there is still a "self".In a social atmosphere where political constraints are gradually loosening, the understanding of the human noumenon has gradually shifted from the ideology of "class society" to the psychological and physiological aspects of the human being itself.First of all, the society generally feels that it is necessary to make up lessons on sexual knowledge.Therefore, in addition to "youth", the word "adolescence" often appeared in newspapers and magazines and was repeatedly discussed and studied.In any case, the "youth level" is definitely the most youthful. Even though some people will "read youth forever" or "rejuvenate youth" after the expiration date, they cannot but admit that they have the most youth in "adolescence".However, the "youth" that Du Fu refers to and Wang Wei's "mad husband and wealth are in youth" do not seem to be the "youth" that we usually say that must be sacrificed, let alone "adolescence".After reading some columns such as "Must Read for Youth", I finally understood that from a physiological point of view, "puberty" turns out to be a necessary stage in everyone's physical development, and it is a purely natural phenomenon.At this stage, in addition to various physical changes in the body, the main psychological sign of each person seems to be the beginning of admiration, love or sexual desire for the opposite sex. In the words of someone who has worked with livestock for a long time, it is "estrus"!

Scholars who lead the trend believe that "adolescence" is a very important period in life, which is the same as childhood, and will determine a person's psychology, personality and quality in the future.Criminologists can even analyze the underlying causes of a suspect’s possible crime through the setbacks a person suffered in adolescence, so as to judge whether the crime was committed by the suspect; Hitler became a demon and Einstein became an epoch-making great thinker , are all related to some special encounter in their adolescence. This aroused my interest in self-analysis, but the results of self-analysis found that I didn't know when my puberty started, and I didn't feel at all when my puberty ended.It seems that I have never had puberty in my life, and it seems that puberty has been thinly spread over the whole process of my life. All the days are like a blue-gray iron plate, hard, cold and boring, and I have lived so sloppily until today .

I think I should have "adolescence" just like anyone else. How could I go from childhood to middle age and old age all of a sudden?If you don’t find this time in your life, you’ll always be reconciled; everyone else has what I don’t have, unless it’s a disease, and that’s not something to be proud of.And a little effort to find things that don't need to be searched at all shows that I have actually reached an incurable old age. Looking back now, if it is counted as the sprouting of "adolescence" that people often say today, that is, the expression of "estrus", there should still be some signs when I was playing "cat and mouse" with my friends when I was five or six years old.

The location is still in the countryside on the south bank of Chongqing.My impression is a big house in a big yard. Both the yard and the house are filled with an old smell, gloomy, damp and solemn. "Don't Meng Yiyi go to Xie's house, the small corridor is winding and slanting", there is indeed a circle of "small corridors" around the courtyard, and many auspicious patterns with unclear lines are carved on the corridor eaves.Later, I found that all the scenes that came to my memory later were very large, even the mosses beside the mountain roads and streams were vast and green.I have revisited the old places more than once in different places, and each time I am surprised to find that everything is much smaller than before.Not only did the trees no longer grow, but they seemed to have shrunk, becoming smaller by more than a circle.All the memories are full of water, or in other words, everything is so moist and full in the memories, but it dries up as soon as it enters the reality.I also went back to Chongqing, and devoutly went to the South Bank to search archaeologically for the site where my adolescence sprouted, that is, the big house in the big yard, but everything was missing, even the soil lost its ancient flavor. It is as thorough as the wreckage of the war being replaced by new buildings.For a moment I wondered if I had a past, or if my whole life was an illusion.Standing on the side of the hot and steaming asphalt road, breathing the exhaust fumes from large and small cars, I floated up like a withered yellow leaf.

However, the sensuality is still very rich, warm and soft, in sharp contrast to the gloomy and solemn.When it was attached to my body, it immediately melted into my body, making me feel as if more blood and flesh had been added to my body, and a certain part immediately surged and swelled.This feeling has been embedded in me as a biological individual since then, and it has become a part of my life and has grown with me.Whenever that feeling is like a glandular secretion, in the past, it always made a certain part of my body surge and swell, and then gradually spread from a certain part of the body to the whole body as I grew older, Let me drink a glass of alcohol, every nerve is soft and warm.