Chapter 35 thirty five

This is a mixed passenger and freight train. There is no light in the dark green passenger car, which is dark; there is something on the flatbed truck, and the huge tarpaulin is covered with dirty snow.The old-fashioned locomotive seemed to be suffering from asthma, and stopped with a whimper.Captain Xie boarded the passenger compartment, and the train groaned away again, slowly disappearing in a cloud of white mist.The white mist dissipated, and the surroundings returned to silence; the snow stopped, and even the noise of flying snowflakes disappeared, and the whole world seemed to freeze: above was the blue sky, below was the white land.I left the small earthen house like a mushroom, stepped over the railway tracks, and walked towards the road with willow trees on both sides.

Click, click, click... I walked with a kind of quiet warmth in my heart.That night, people, "muscle laborers" and the world, suddenly showed such a beautiful and poetic side before my eyes.Reality surpasses fantasy; there is such a brilliant brilliance in people's hearts!Their recklessness, their vulgarity of speech, their rags, in no way diminished the splendor of their hearts. I walked all the way and meditated all the way.I also found that in our literature, in the Chinese literature and European literature that nurtured me, such vulgar and rough things that seem to follow a special moral code are witty, intelligent, and harbor the best Emotional manual workers do not seem to have a place yet.Fate gave me such a chance to discover them, and I want to keep them in my heart one by one like diamonds.The sky was getting brighter, and there was a dignified silver brilliance between the sky and the earth.A willow branch on the side of the road was crushed by the snow with a click, crystal-like powder was flying in the air, and it was like a pear tree falling into colorful flowers. There seemed to be the sound of silver bells knocking around, and I felt like I was walking through a fairy tale. in the realm.I was choked by this beautiful imagination, and felt a natural impact at the same time.This impact stimulated the function of my brain and produced a rare inspiration in an instant.I suddenly realized that even if a person can recite Marx’s books thoroughly and recite them backwards, but he doesn’t love the working people and always thinks that he is better than those vulgar and uneducated manual laborers, then this person does not even understand Marxism. Not even a finger of the reader!Don't capitalists also study "Das Kapital"?Is Kennedy also studying "Mao Zedong's guerrilla tactics"?Yes, "working people" are by no means abstract, they are people like Lana Hua, Captain Xie, and Hai Xixi... such people!Although they are far from the solemn and tall images of laborers in those literary and artistic works.With the kind of ecstasy that I suddenly glimpsed the bottom line of life, I strode towards the painfully small village hidden beyond the snow field.I am not cold, I feel warm.There, there is a person I love, whom I can depend on, waiting for me.I still think that if I marry her, I can change the blood of the bourgeoisie and let the fresh blood of manual laborers be infused into my next generation.

When we arrived at the village, it was already dawn.But there is not a single footprint on the snow, and the farm workers are not up.I went straight to Lana Hua's house. She probably came back from the sheep pen not long ago, and she just finished packing the sheep's head and went into the water.There are earthen pots and pots on the ground, and steam is rising from the pots, and a strong smell of mutton is smoldering in the house.Ershe fell into a deep sleep on the kang.With disheveled hair and a tired face, she was still busy among the pots and pans.But when he saw me coming in, he immediately cheered up, his eyes sparkled with joy, and he said in a complaining tone: "Why are you so stupid to run after me? Those bears have all gone home to sleep."

She already knew about it, but she didn't do anything about Hai Xixi's wandering again, which annoyed me a little: I don't like my wife being unsympathetic.I said, "How could I not go after him? It was sent by Captain Xie." "'How-what', 'how-what'!" She imitated me in a mocking tone, "If you really catch up, will you drag him back?" "Of course I have to drag him back." I said angrily, "Do you know that Hai Xixi is a good person!" Expression, "Listen, you don't see me..." "Oh, does that make sense?" I became anxious, "Do you know what Hai Xixi told me before leaving?"

"How do I know what I told you?" She tidied up the pots and pans on the ground, and asked me with a somewhat vigilant expression, but in an instant, she laughed again, "I'w—what? 'Know?" How do I propose?It seemed to her that there had never been anything solemn, nothing sacred.I may not understand the complex and subtle psychology of women.I always feel that she is much harder to understand than Hai Xixi and Captain Xie. "He, he persuaded me...to marry you." I had no choice but to say it out loud.But once I said it, I realized that this sentence was not as passionate, poetic, and romantic as I imagined on the road, but like a ball of tofu, it was dry and tasteless when chewed in the mouth. Without her, even I myself was not moved.

"It's strange what he's worrying about!" Although she was no longer vigilant like a kitten, she put on a pretentious indifference. This astonished me: Am I wrong, does she not love me?Now that the words have been spoken, we can only continue to speak.I said again: "At the train station, Captain Xie said the same thing. He said that two people are better off than one..." "He also eats salty carrots and doesn't worry about it!" Straighten upright, put the cleaned basin on the soil platform and place it on the soil platform. " This ridiculous proposal was a complete failure.Life has just shown another side, but it is fleeting, and it is reversed all at once, and it is still a harsh and poetic reality.I can't figure it out: Is her meticulous care and enthusiasm for me out of love, or is it the frivolous play of prostitutes?I stood by the door in a daze: Should I walk away in a huff?Or stay here and figure out her "idea"?At this time, the light and heavy footsteps of a cripple walking outside the door sounded again.She hurriedly pushed me away, picked up the door stick from behind me and pressed against the door, then snuggled up to my chest, shrunk her neck, stuck out her tongue, and with a mischievous smile, she waited for the custodian like a child playing hide-and-seek Come and call the door.

"Lantana, lantana," the custodian pushed the door open, and then called again in a low voice, "Lantana, lantana..." She didn't answer right away, she paused for a while, and then asked in a lazy tone: "Who is it?" After asking, she raised her face and wrinkled her nose and smiled at me. "I, Lantana, it's me." "Go to sleep!" she said in a drawn out voice, her voice was the exact opposite of her expression, "I'm very sleepy, if I still have work to do, I'll do it after I sleep." "Hey, I didn't ask you to work. You get up, the sheepfold is on the third pillar to the west, and I have hidden a pair of sheep for you, you get up and get it." He gave her something, but the tone was so strange. As if begging her to give him something.

"Okay then," she made another grimace at me, "I'll get it later." The custodian was still reluctant to leave, he swayed from side to side, dawdling outside the door.The moment they talked through the door, I was even more nervous than the last time.There was still a distance between me and her last time, but now, she is clinging tightly to my arms, teasing the custodian while playing with the buttons on my padded jacket with her fingers.Although I have taken many risks in order to get something to eat, the possibility of being discovered is much greater than this time, but this is the first time I have encountered such ambiguous embarrassment.I feel a little chilly.She smiled at me and made faces at me, but I couldn't laugh, and it wasn't funny at all.It took an unknown amount of time in a trance before the custodian walked away sullenly with light and heavy steps, and there was no more sound outside the door.

"Hee hee!" She twisted in my arms, and turned her face to me, "That silly bear is still trying to trick me! I'll get it later, and I won't eat it for nothing." "Oh!" I couldn't say anything, and took a breath.The beautiful colors of life are gradually fading, and life that has faded is very ugly. "Look at you, you're so cold." She touched my hands, separated my hands, wrapped them around her waist, lifted the lower skirt of the cotton jacket, and put my hands inside. "Come on, let me warm you up." Through the thin cloth, I could feel the warmth of her body, even scorching heat.The soft and elastic waist is just between my hands, but it doesn't arouse my lust at all.I suspect that I have misunderstood people and life as a whole.Which one is more believable: her indifference just now or her caress now?

"Silly dog, why are you so stupid!" She raised her face and said to me, "What' two people are better than one'! Don't think about it, when we become a family, you have to chop firewood, you have to carry water, what kind of work are you not allowed to do at home?Once you have a doll, you still have to wash your urinals. It’s so smoky all day, it’s so bitter that grass grows on your head!You have eighteen yuan, you can't even take care of yourself, how can you add half a person's food and clothing?Can you still eat as soon as you come, and read as soon as you finish eating?You, you silly dog! It was then that I suddenly realized. She said she had her own idea, and it turned out that it was this kind of dedication for love and for me.

And what value did I have before her, worthy of such a sacrifice?The world, people, and uneducated manual laborers regained their brilliant colors before my eyes.I think the reason why it is difficult for me to understand her is because I have never had the spirit of devotion to others or to the one I love, never! I only have myself in my heart, even if I want to "beyond myself", it is for myself.This is the biggest gap between me and her. I took her in my arms, and now I feel that I really love her, not gratitude, not gratitude.I murmured enthusiastically: "Lantana, let's get married! We can live as others live; wouldn't it be good for me to share your burden?" —What'!" She pushed me away slightly, stared into my eyes affectionately, and said in an angry tone, "I can't let you be like other men's 'wife and children on the bed', that's the worst thing to do You are a scholar, you have to study. As long as you study, even if I suffer so much that grass grows on my head, I am willing. What do I want you to 'share'? What can you 'share'? Once we get married, those silly bears will still Will you bring me something? Look, if I don’t make a move, the offal will be left there for me. You, silly dog, just wait to eat, isn’t that good?..." She still She wanted me to study, and why she wanted me to study, she never said why.In her mind, she seems to think that studying is my duty, my vocation, just like keeping a cat and making sure it encourages mice.I suddenly had a sense of humor in my heart, and at the same time, I had to admit that her thinking was very realistic. "A woman's scheming, a woman's scheming..." I muttered silently. However, this is undoubtedly my shame.Can I rely on the beauty of a woman to live a more adequate life?Come to "study"?In doing so, I lower myself even more. "No!" I repeated, "No! Let's get married, I can't let you do that! Let's get married..." "Hey, silly dog." She said, "I didn't say I won't marry you, I've thought about it a long time ago, otherwise, what am I doing? After this 'low standard' is over, life will be better Let's go to register, and let those silly bears stare..." "No, no..." I said stubbornly, "I can't let you do that, so you are cheating someone?" "Who cheated whom? Silly dog." She comforted me, "Don't think about it, they The food they gave me, which ones did they take out of their own pockets? I don’t want it. They took it back and ate it themselves. It’s better for us to eat it. Let me tell you, Xie Huzi is a good person in charge of this team. That cook is not a good bear!" I was dazed by her ingenious, realistic, and calm calculation: what kind of moral code should I live by?She didn't take it into account: I'd lose my dignity as a man if we had to get through it the way she had arranged it.In her opinion, this is an expedient measure that can be adopted in an extraordinary period, and I recovered my health—it was the recovery of health under the arrangement of her expedient measure, and after "studying" again, my shame Both my heart and my morals strongly discouraged me from doing this. "No!" I said stubbornly, "No! Don't do that. Let's get married. Captain Xie also agreed, and we will register right away." "Do you not believe me, afraid that I will follow someone else?" She said, with a rare seriousness in her tone and expression.Apparently she misunderstood my eagerness to get married today.So she got into my arms again, stood on tiptoe, rubbed my face with her cheek, and said softly: "Or, you can take it now, um, if you want, take it now go." She has been busy all night, and now her face is still tired.The light blue circle under her big beautiful eyes is getting deeper. Her actions are purely a woman's dedicated enthusiasm for love, and she has no personal desires at all.I felt a poignant, fatal bliss.Yes, fatal bliss!Suddenly this emotion rose from my breast, bubbling from my heart like a song without words to a string ensemble: not lust, or even love in general, but a pure, holy feeling.Limited love requires possession of the other person, while infinite love requires only love itself.Gods were created by man, and in the process of man's creation of God, there must have been such emotional factors.I kissed her humbly, then gently pushed her away. "No," I said, "we'll wait until we're married." "That's good." She immediately left my arms, raised her face, and said in a sober and decisive tone, "Don't worry! Even if the steel knife cut off my head, my bloody body will still be with you! "" Even if the steel knife cut off my head, my bloody body will still be with you. "What elegant vows of eternal love can express sincere and eternal love better than this bloody language with the breath of the wilderness? Oh, life, life, so hard and so beautiful it makes me shudder!