Chapter 29 Twenty-nine

After that, every night after I finished the meal called from the kitchen, I went to her place to read "Das Kapital" - "Director of Sales Department" You should be satisfied.She took the oil lamp off the wall and put it on the tin can on the earthen stand. "It's a bright light," she said.The room really looked much brighter.Ershe is a very good girl, except sometimes pestering her to ask her to sing a song, she is not noisy at all.She never asked me what book I was reading or why I read it, nor did she tell me the reason why she advised me to "read your book well" when she broke free from my arms that night.She seems to think that studying is a good thing, something a man should do, and a noble behavior, but she doesn't have any purpose in her mind.In this regard, it is not exactly the same as the teaching given to me by the philosophy lecturer.

"My grandfather is also a scholar." She said, "I remember, when I was a child, I always saw him studying, just like you, holding such an old and thick book." After a while, she said again, "Xixizi is a poor guy, he just puts the book aside and doesn't read, but likes to run around the world. I don't want to treat him!..." Here, I seem to see the secret that she doesn't "hope" for Hai Xixi but "hope" for me.From the layout of the book her grandfather read from her gestures, I guess it is a religious classic.But in her thoughts, there is no religious concept at all; an optimistic, cheerful, lively, and enthusiastic person has been tempered by life, and will no longer have any mystical views on life itself.

Under the light, I held my head and read.She and Ershe were chatting on the kang.The light cast the shadow of my head on them.Ershe seemed to be infected by a solemn atmosphere, and the voice of laughter was also quietly.Sometimes I stop and listen to their laughter, and I can fully appreciate the kind warmth they give me.This wonderful little house can hardly contain the tender warmth between us.It often reminds me of a delicate boat sailing on a quiet sea, and of a fairy tale.After Ershe went to sleep, she knelt on the kang and cut my pair of fleece trousers that were "just like people in the city".The scissors rustled on the blanket.The rustling sound was also wonderful and soft, like a warm drizzle in the green bushes.She doesn't talk to me when she sews.Occasionally, when I turned my head to the side, she would raise her beautiful eyes and give me a knowing, coquettish smile.The radiant face showed that she had gained a kind of spiritual enjoyment in this atmosphere; she enjoyed a woman's rights.Later, I gradually felt that she regarded a man studying seriously beside her as a longing formed from childhood impressions, a beautiful dream, and an ancient traditional fantasy of Chinese women.

In one day, the fleece pants were sewn.This gray cotton velvet blanket has three red stripes at both ends.Now, the three red stripes at one end are across my two thighs.Wearing these "like a city" fleece pants, you look like a clown in a circus.Seeing my appearance, Ershe clapped his little hands and laughed: "Doll! Doll!..." "Don't call me that! Call me 'Daddy'!" □ She patted Ersher on the head lightly, then squatted down, stretched out my trouser legs, and straightened my stitches.I can't see her face.Her words that made my heart flutter, in her hasty movements, like a gust of wind, drifted away, and I couldn't figure out what she meant.

"Okay, okay! Fits right!" Then she stood up, covered her mouth and smiled, "I sewed you a hat too!" She told me it was a copy of the old man I slept with— —The old accountant's hat, sewn from leftover cotton wool blankets.When I saw it, it turned out to be a "borscht hat" that Shanghainese wear in winter.On the top of the hat, a piece of red ball was cut out and formed into a ball, and a big red tassel was planted. "It's hard for you to figure it out." I smiled and put it on my head, "I wore this kind of hat to school when I was a child." At night, I wore these "doll" style fleece pants—she put my After unpacking and washing the cotton trousers, wearing the "borscht hat" she sewed by hand, she began to read "Part Three: The Production of Absolute Surplus Value".I was warm from head to toe and my stomach was full.I vaguely recall Engels saying that people must first eat, drink, live, and wear clothes before they can engage in politics, science, art, religion, etc. Marx discovered the law of historical development from this simple fact.These words indeed have undeniable truth both on the macro and micro levels.Now, I really feel that there is a spiritual force eager to explore the mystery, eager to try in my mind.When I read this passage from Marx, I became even more excited, because my mental state at the moment made my mind understand how I should act from this passage, which seemed to have nothing to do with my reality. To look at the current life and how to establish future life goals.

Marx put it this way: Man is opposed to natural matter as a natural force.He moves the natural forces belonging to the human body, arms and legs, head and hands, because he wants to possess natural matter in a form useful to his own life.But when by this motion he acts on nature outside himself, and changes it, he also changes his own nature.He will unfold the potentialities of sleep in his nature, and make the workings of their forces subject to his own dominion.Then, the so-called transformation of man means first of all that man wants to transform nature and his external existence; the transformation of man is nothing but the reaction of nature and social environment to man in the process of man's transformation of nature and social environment.Only when man transforms the natural and social environment can he himself be transformed; man cannot be transformed unless he takes actions towards the outside world and transforms the natural and social environment first.Over the past four years, because I have been continuously transforming nature, I am also being transformed.But it was an unconscious, even absurd transformation; it forced me to use primitive and savage methods to transform nature, so I was almost transformed into a primitive and savage person.Only by consciously and lawfully transforming the natural and social environment can self-transformation achieve conscious purpose.To be conscious, to be able to use lawful methods, only through learning, "connect with human wisdom".The degree to which a person transforms perfectly depends on the depth and breadth of his transformation of the natural and social environment.From here, I think of Faust's "final conclusion of wisdom": we must develop life and freedom every day, and then we can enjoy freedom and life.

In this way, I don't have to lament my own fate, and I don't have to sigh "how did I end up in this situation".Because the pain and joy in life can be switched anywhere at any time.I remember Dante said: "The more complete a thing is, the more joy and pain it feels." If there is self-consciousness, the more difficult a person is in the environment, the greater the ability to release it.My experience has proved that human potential is astonishing, the only limit to which is death.Unfortunately, when I have no self-awareness, what is released is just a survival instinct.Once self-consciousness is acquired, I believe that when man "expands the potentialities of sleep in his nature" in order to cope with various difficult conditions, he will develop himself and "beyond himself"!Joy also comes from this, and my life is "complete"!

My mind was racing fast.I can't clearly express what I was thinking at this moment, but I felt a flash of light in my mind like an electric shock.I believe that there is some scientific truth to the "epiphany" theory.It refers to the leap from quantitative to qualitative change in the thinking process.I trembled at the feeling of this aura.Tears filled my eyes again.I almost cried out like Faust when he realized "the last conclusion of wisdom" on his deathbed: You are beautiful, please stay a while! At this time, she came over quietly, leaned on my back, put one hand on my head, and looked over my shoulder, as if she wanted to explore what magical words made me so excited.However, I don't want her to realize from the book that there is a gap between her and me that is difficult for her to pull together.Somehow, I figured that would spoil her, and it would spoil my intoxicating pleasure at the moment.I suddenly felt that I was in a rare and wonderful realm like hallucinations in my life: economic concepts and life, rationality and sensibility, crystallization of wisdom and impulse of passion, harsh reality and dreams beyond time and space, abject poverty My life and gorgeous imagination, a series of abstract categories and a living and beautiful girlfriend...all mixed together, so that everything became blurred, hazy, flickering, and erratic.But everything is real, like a pebble under running water, a full moon in the clouds, a small bridge in the morning mist.

I slowly took her hand off my head.Her hands had just been soaked in lye, and the palms were red and the calluses were whitish. Rather than saying that her hands had been roughened by labor, it was better to say that they were thick, powerful, warm and shiny.The lines on the palm are clear and simple, showing the clarity of an optimist just like her person.I stared at her fingerprints one by one, and sure enough, her middle finger was a "Luo"!My heart trembled, and the passion of reason turned into a tenderness of love. Byron's verses suddenly sounded in my mind: I will chase it with every Aegean wind by the loose curls in my mind. By those eyes with long eyelashes, the eyelashes kiss your pink cheeks, I will swear by those wild deer eyes, you are my life, I love you.

It is a tenderness that rises above the restless passions.Like a noisy torrent merging into a big river, I surpassed myself one step, and there was a bigger volume in my chest to hold the lust of youth.The love at this time is calm, but deeper, like the backflow in the bend of the river.I pressed her hand to my lips with a joy as soft as water and as erratic as a dream.I kissed her thumb, index finger, middle finger, ring finger and little fingertips one by one.Then, I took her hand and covered my face.When I let go of her hand, a teardrop also rolled down.My heart is filled with a kind of silent moving: moved by her, moved by love, moved by "myself" who has "transcended".I couldn't help but say, "Honey, I love you!" She stood behind me all the time, her plump, elastic belly resting on my back.Her hand was always tenderly and submissively held by me, and the other hand kept stroking my shoulder.When I kissed her fingertips, the fingers on both hands suddenly became timid, hesitant, and cautious.That kind of trembling expressed both shock and embarrassment.I feel that she is also enjoying the happiness of love in a silent yet strange mood.After I said that, she suddenly pulled out her hand, threw her whole upper body on my shoulder, put her face against mine, and asked in great surprise, "What did you call me just now?" "You... Calling you 'Honey'."

"No, it doesn't sound good!" She put her arms around my head and giggled silly. "What's your name then?" I asked in surprise. "You're going to call me 'Fatty'!" she taught me by poking my temple with her finger. I thought of Haixixi's folk song and couldn't help smiling. "Then what do you call me?" I asked again in a joking tone. "I call you 'dog'!" Although the title of "dog" expresses love, I am amazed and amazed, but it immediately makes me feel very different from the "elegant tenderness" I have always yearned for. different.Now that I have become a normal person, and now that I have been connected to the memories of the past, her way of love and the language of love faintly make me feel awkward and ridiculous.Although I don't want her to find out that there is a gap between me and her that she can't match, but I have begun to be soberly aware of this gap.