Chapter 26 Twenty-six

what! ... I staggered and ran back to "home".I was very dizzy and dizzy.When I reached the wall, I didn't take off my padded jacket, and I didn't care about tearing the cotton net cover. I pulled the net cover over my head and fell asleep. Soon, other people in the small earthen room also fell asleep.The old accountant turned off the light on top of my head, and slipped into bed sadly.Everything was silent.I think I'm probably dead!Death, how tempting!The boundary between life and death is very easy to cross.One step further, and that is death.All things, shame, shame, regret, pain... are dead.I just recalled it now. Before that, I had imagined everything, even thought that she would refuse and slap me, but I never thought that she would say such a sentence to extinguish my evil thoughts.

"You'd better read your book carefully!" This shocked me more than a slap in the face.A shock in the soul.The shock made me shudder. die!die! ... I really felt like I was dead. The passionate hug that exploded just now seemed to have consumed my entire life.However, my soul is still rampaging in the narrow space between the temples, as if it is full of hatred to tear its own body.I dare not look back at my behavior in the past twenty days, but as if to punish me, there is a screen showing my bad deeds inside my eyelids, the more I close my eyes, the shadows on the screen clearer.Hai Xixi pointed at the tip of my nose angrily: "You don't eat less!" Like thunder before lightning made me tremble.By whose charity I was restored to health!During that time, I played the role of a beggar maliciously, as the Rig Veda says, "The carpenter waits for the car to break down, the doctor waits for the leg to break, the Brahmin hopes for the almsman to come."I came up with the idea of ​​repairing the kang for her, and I ran to tell her stories. My... purpose was just to enjoy that bowl of mixed rice.I clearly realized that on the surface I looked like a dervish who practiced asceticism, but in my bones I was the dependence shown by a nobleman when he was down and down.Goethe once called "ignorance of gratitude" a virtue: "The temper of unwillingness to express gratitude is rare, and only ordinary outstanding people can have it.

They were born of the poorest classes, and everywhere had to accept help; and those favors were almost always poisoned by the vulgarity of the benefactor. "But in me it was the other way around, and my vulgarity poisoned the benefactor. A demon emerged from my growing body, like the one that emerged from the bottle on the beach, and wanted to get out of it. Let his benefactors eat them. What is the reason for this? The reason is that I am not "born in the poorest class"; the son was in trouble, and the lower-class women rescued him. As soon as he escaped from danger, he immediately thought of possessing this Is it not a stereotyped old story? At this moment, all the desires that I fantasized in my mind last night have become the Vinayaka in Tantric Buddhism, the beast A monster with a head and a human body, and Lantana Flower is struggling in the hands of this evil, hideous monster!

Yes, her last words infused the food she gave me with benevolence, with spiritual strength.This made me even more ashamed. I want to repent and pray, but I just realized that for a materialist, an atheist, and for me now, the greatest tragedy is that neither confession nor prayer can find someone.I don't believe in God, I don't believe in any gods!After I experienced a "death", all religions lost their sacredness before my eyes!So, to whom can I confess and pray?the people?The people have already expelled me from their ranks-"You deserve it! Your behavior now proves that we are right to expel you! That is not the will of a certain leader, but the will of our entire people! You have永远被钉在耻辱柱上了！”“嘘嘘嘘……嘘嘘嘘……”墙角响起了一阵阵可疑的声音，好像是从一个极其阴暗的世界传来的。But I know it's not God, it's not the devil, it's the call of death.I had an inexplicable fascination with death very early on, and I loved death as much as I loved life.Because that is something that I will never know while I am alive, and it is also something that no one else knows.The eternal mystery is the eternal temptation.Many people have overlooked that death is actually an important part of life; those who love life are the least afraid of death.Especially, for an atheist, and for me now, death is the easiest relief.Everything ends with the cessation of life.Well, I created an eternal secret.Tomorrow morning, the sun will rise as usual, the wind will still blow, the clouds will still be floating, and the farm workers will continue to work, but I will become a pile of lifeless bones and meat, like a dead sheep, a dead dog.My remorse, my shame, my conscience's reproach, leave no trace in this world.I died, I took a secret with me, I destroyed the secret I made, isn't this secret eternal?

I tried to live, to live, to live when I was on the verge of death, and I wanted to die when I was full.In the past, when I was uninspired, when I was depressed, poison, rope, sharp weapon, height and depth all attracted me.Now I fumble in the dark with the braided cloth strap she gave me.The cloth strap is soft and stretchy, and its length, width, and tensile strength make it very comfortable around my neck.How wonderful, how incredible are the things in the world!I can vividly remember the scene when she gave me the belt last night. She wanted to keep me warm and live a good life, but it was precisely this belt that I wanted to end my sinful life; she said I didn’t even have a rope, yes Out of sympathy and love for me, it seems to be intentionally giving me a tool to end my life. I imagined how beautiful it was when I hugged her, but it was precisely after I hugged her that I felt so regretful... So , a strange thought about my own destiny came into my head: I am the last generation born in a declining class family, and I can never enjoy good things; all good things will have the opposite effect on me... Then , only death can be the final relief.

So, I died!Only my head was left of my body, and I was wandering in a dark and vast forest.Because of the loss of body and limbs, the head can only fly in space.I float, float...fly, fly...surrounded by giant trees densely layered like a wall, the heights do not reach the top, covering the sky and the sun, but the dense branches and leaves never brush my face.Wherever my head swims, they swing away like weeds.I don't know where I'm going to fly, I just feel that there is a force floating me, pushing me, or attracting me, flying here for a while, flying there for a while... The darkness is transparent, emitting a faint blue light. the light; the giant tree is not three-dimensional, but like props on a holographic stage, it is a piece of plane standing upright in all directions.The Great Forest has no end, no edge.In this big forest, all the trees are still, it is only because of the displacement of my head that they are constantly moving, sometimes approaching me, sometimes moving away from me...they are not particularly eerie, eerie from my own brain, and there was an eerie fog between the blue darkness and the great trees.

There are absolutely no speakers here, but I have ears in my head.At this time, a voice as loud as thunder resounded solemnly in the big forest: "Why do you die-die-die-die-" The lingering sound of "death" is endless, lingering among the giant trees, making a "silk" metallic sound.I sneered.I am not afraid of anyone, since I am not even afraid of death, what should I be afraid of? ! "That's exactly what I want to ask you!" My head opened its mouth wide, rolled its eyes and searched in all directions.But the voice didn't come from any side, but echoed throughout the forest.I asked the voice loudly: "Why should I live... live... live... live..." The lingering sound of "live" is endless, lingering among the giant trees, making the metallic sound of "flowers".Silent!The voice fell silent, as if choked by a strong wind.Ha ha!Can you answer my question "you"?

I continued to run amok in the big forest.I had the pleasure of dying. However, the gloomy giant trees became denser and denser, with vertical and horizontal branches, like a giant net without gaps that stretched up and down on me.Moreover, they gradually closed in from the surroundings, and the world of my head became smaller and smaller.In the end, my head could only hang in the air motionless, my eyes kept turning around; I opened my mouth wide and gasped heavily.I have no arms, I cannot resist; I have no legs, I cannot kick.I waited: What kind of tricks will I encounter after I die! The voice resounded like an echo in the mountains, with the peculiar voice of a ghost, murmuring: "Go to heaven! Go to heaven—go—go—"

"Where is heaven?" My head was dripping with cold sweat, but there was no trace of fear in my mind. "Where is heaven?" I shouted in a questioning tone, "Where is there any heaven? I don't believe in any god!" Do I still have to be deceived after I die! "Go ahead--go above--go-- " This sentence suddenly made me cry.Cloudy tears rolled down into the thick fog under my head.Yes, "Beyond yourself!" The voice was not the voice of some ghost, it seemed to be the voice of my lost heart. "Go beyond yourself! Go beyond yourself! Beyond yourself is heaven—heaven—heaven—" "Ah! how can I go beyond myself?" I cried in despair, "in this poor country, in this place Like me, it seems to be abandoned by the world! How can I surpass myself?" "To connect with human intelligence - to connect with human intelligence - to connect - to connect - that woman is how-how-how-how-"

The voice became smaller and smaller, as if getting farther and farther away from me, and finally disappeared completely.My head was dripping with sweat, and I fell into the thick fog like a ripe fruit, as if it was the sound that made my head suspended in the air just now.I felt my head drop on a wet earth, and the soft, hairy moss pressed against my cheek; and the dew ran like tears on my face.The cold, moist air immediately made me very comfortable. At this time, the huge forest returned to tranquility, the dew gradually dissipated, and a ray of sunlight began to shine through the gaps in the canopy, like a golden sword, piercing straight from the sky to the ground.At the same time, from an unknown direction in the big forest, the sound of... the piano sounded softly.what!That was the knock of fate!It seems to be panicked, but also seems to be extremely determined.After a while, the French horn blew out the change of fate, and a powerful, clear music, like the waves of the sea in the sun, rushed towards me, and Beethoven's words rang in my ears: "I want to choke the fate of fate." Throat, he can't bring me to my knees... Ah! How beautiful it would be to live thousands of times!"

... I'm wide awake.I found myself in tears, soaking the cotton netting under my head.Under the cotton net cover, I found a hardcover hard book - "Das Kapital".