Chapter 22 twenty two

After eating the barnyard buns from the kitchen, the editor of the newspaper gave me half of his face wash.I took off my cotton-padded jacket beside the red-hot stove, washed my face, and wiped my body.Under the originally loose skin, strands of muscle have visibly bulged. Muscle is like a fetus in the womb. It is still very small and weak, but it will become a giant.I suddenly remembered that the earliest translations of political economy works often translated "manual laborers" into "muscular laborers".In this way, with "muscles" you have capital, and you have the power to stand in the world.Physiological discovery gave me a sentimental excitement, which spurred me to run more swiftly and more thoroughly in the direction of the "muscle laborer" I recognized.

The past will never come again, and I will bid farewell to the god of poetry forever.There is no need for culture here, and knowledge will bring me no benefit in my present life, except to make me sad from time to time in vain.I went to Lana Hua's house with the sadness and joy of being separated from the dearest person and going to meet the dearest person.I can't describe exactly how I feel right now. I seem to be tottering in a very absurd but very reasonable dream. I scrubbed at "home" today, and Haixixi has come.Strangely, he didn't sit on the only adobe stool he could sit on, but squatted in the old place, with his arms around Ershe, teasing her with a dazed expression.

The oil lamps hanging on the wall flickered on and off, and the room was filled with steam and firewood smoke from cooking.The lantana flowers next to the pot stand are hidden among the smoke and water vapor, more like a vague dream.The rhythm of life is as crazy as Louis Armstrong's "Dizzy Ball".Looking at the adobe stool, the earthen table with the floral curtain hanging down, and the "Anna on the Neck"... just over twenty days ago, I was still an uninvited guest, wanting to secretly open the pot Covers and curtains, and now, I'm sitting here proudly, like a master.I seem to understand Hai Xixi's trance, I'm even more trance than him.The empty adobe stool, which seemed to be reserved for me on purpose, suddenly changed my psychology.I have a little respect and sympathy for Hai Xixi again.Lantana quickly brought me a bowl of mixed rice, yellow rice, soybean stew, and a plate of pickles.This is my favorite food.As usual, she wiped the chopsticks with her palm.This action is familiar to me, I didn't dare to look at her; I also didn't dare to look at Hai Xixi and Ershe.Originally, I thought that after overcoming this challenge, I would be able to stand up straight in front of Hai Xixi, but at this time I seemed to be more ashamed than before, and I still didn't realize the reason for my shame.Moods and emotions are sneaking under the consciousness, they are not controlled by the consciousness but dominate me.

I pick rice grain by grain.I was very hungry, but I couldn't eat. I chewed the rice grains and stared at "Anna in the Neck" unconsciously.I feel that it is difficult for any literary and artistic works to express the dramatic plots and complex and changeable emotions contained in life itself.There is an atmosphere in life, a shadow that cannot be seen, smelled, or touched, and only lingers in the heart, so it is difficult to describe it with words, line drawings, or stage performances.For example, now, behind me, I hear Xixi playing with Ershe in a low voice, and the voice of the laughter is also dull, as if it has been suppressed by some influence.This reluctant, perfunctory laughter is especially uncomfortable.Lantana was washing the pots and dishes, and the tinkling sound was both cautious and harsh, like a commotion amidst boredom.After a while, probably at Ershe's request, Hai Xixi sang in a low voice in a bored and helpless tone: Sheep's belly (one) handkerchief (yo) floats on the water, sing (that) little tune to relieve anxiety.

A piece of hay can't support (a) door, and I can't hold a person with a good intention. The red fruit (ah) the fragrant (yo) pear of water. I didn't know that Nadal was sorry for you. By the last two verses, his tone seemed to have become younger again, rejuvenated.Ershe clapped his little hands straight: "It sounds good! It sounds good!" and asked him to sing.The mood sneaking under my consciousness suddenly breeds jealousy towards him.Not only does he have a kind of inspiration that is readily available, he is very good at expressing his emotions with songs, but also because Ersher has never been so intimate with me.While I was telling a story made up by someone else in a serious manner, Ersher fell asleep after listening to it.Have I lost my innocence to communicate with children?

I heard Hai Xixi whispering next to Ershe's ear again, as if instigating her to do something.Sure enough, Ershe shouted loudly: "Mom, you sing, you sing..." I didn't look back.She had probably finished washing the pots and bowls at this time, and was leaning on the edge of the kang.I heard her giggle—she could laugh at any time and under any circumstances, and it made a nameless resentment pass through my heart.She said briskly: "Okay, I'll sing." Then, she sang in her unique brisk, soft, and somewhat wild voice: "Goat's belly (a) handkerchief floats on the water, you don't know how to sing." you teach.

Thirty-three pieces of buckwheat (ah) ninety-nine ribs, no matter how good the second sister is from someone else. Sesame flax produces good oil, but if you can't marry a good man, I want to keep friends. The tune they sang is "Xintianyou", or "Mountain Climbing Tune".There are endless overtones in the libretto that is sung and harmonized. In my very vague and hazy imagination, it seems that there are two mountain eagles hovering in the thin, silky clouds, one up and one down.I ate, thought, and listened... Suddenly, it became clear that they were a perfect couple!I also realized that in this simple little earthen house in this deserted village, under the dim oil lamp flickering with mist and firewood smoke, I was completely superfluous!It was a fly that came from nowhere.After eating, he kicked his legs, wiped his mouth, and flew away again.I belong nowhere, I belong nowhere, I am superfluous in the whole world; like Ahashunruh, he who is expelled from the ranks of the people is a Jew drifting forever... Now, I Like a wedge driven indiscriminately, it broke into their lives.I thought I had found my place, but my original life was split and shattered.After the stomach is full, it should be comfortable and happy, but at this time, on the contrary, the mood is heavier.I seem to have seen through my destiny in life, it is better to be hungry; if I am not hungry, it will bring disaster to others.

After eating, I pushed away my rice bowl, didn't look at them, only said that the people in the group were still waiting for me to go back to discuss things, lifted my legs and left.Outside, a cold half-moon wrapped in clouds as tattered as my cotton wool.The mountains to the west are majestic and eerie black, like judges in cassocks.There was no wind, and the air was bitter and dry.Although some houses in the village still had dim lights on, they were very quiet, except for the rustling of broken wood and grass under my feet.I feel sad, but a little bit unwilling.I stopped to relieve myself.Hai Xixi also came out of her house before she finished relieving her hands.He coughed softly, and his blurry figure quickly and silently disappeared beside the swarthy horse.I seem to be willing, but feel more sad.