Chapter 14 fourteen

In the middle of the night, probably because I had a fever after catching the cold, I woke up with the burning thirst.Outside the window, the northwest wind blew loudly, and the newspapers nailed with nails fluttered rhythmically, just like pulling a bellows.I felt bouts of dizziness.After I became weak, I discovered that the dizziness described in many novels is false; the description of falling to the floor with a thud, or falling limply on the sofa is mostly a posturing of the protagonist.I would also feel dizzy when I was sleeping quietly under the covers, and instead of making me faint, the dizziness would shake me out of deep sleep.At this time, the head seemed to be much larger than normal, and the blood in the head was very scarce, very thin, as if there was only a little water sloshing in a big jar.

Of course no one will pour me a sip of water to drink.I must be patient.And I'm used to patience.Sometimes, I am touched by myself being able to endure so much, that is to say, I am touched by myself.In the middle of the night, I was moved by myself.Endurance, unlike physical strength, cannot be tested with a meter, and it also includes both spiritual and material aspects.Some people can endure spiritual pain, but not material poverty; some people can endure material poverty, but not spiritual pain. I discovered that I had considerable potential for both mental and physical stamina, with only death as a limit.

Nature endowed me with such great stamina, is it that I want me to survive in a state of spiritual depravity?Can't I be prepared to do something useful to society in the future?At this time, I began to feel guilty, and I was tormented by self-condemnation and self-blame.The gain and loss of the yellow radish is, in my opinion, a punishment and retribution in the dark.The villagers are hard-working, and farmers in this area have always been called "suffering people", and working in the fields is not called working in the fields, but "going to suffer."A piece of sixty-one catties of yellow radish is not expensive in comparison. The villagers near the labor camp farms ask for at least one or eight to two yuan.My Longines watch was only exchanged for 30 catties of yellow radish and a bowl of moldy sorghum noodles.However, I cunningly fooled that honest, wrinkled fellow, and thought I had my own way. As a result... the blood in my skull kept swirling back and forth, and a long-precipitated memory was like a milky white cup bottom from the depths of my mind.In a large room with elegant sky-blue wallpaper, under green curtains with a pattern of windtails, and beside a French-style fireplace with a marble border, an uncle of mine sat on a brown leather sofa, and I Sitting on a Shu brocade cushion on the carpet.He swirls his own cocktail on the rocks and tells me the story of the Morgan family's rise to prominence.According to him, when old Morgan drifted from his home in Europe to North America, he was so poor that he only had a pair of trousers. Later, the couple opened a small grocery store.When he sells eggs, he never does it himself, but asks his wife to show it to customers.Because my wife has small hands, this makes the eggs bigger.It is precisely because of his calculations that his descendants established a Morgan financial empire. "Did you hear that? Doing business requires such proficiency. If the threshold is not fine, it won't work!" The manager of the stock exchange taught me with a goblet, "Whoever goes bankrupt is a Handa (pronounced "strong"), who can Making money is the hero!"

... The tide of memories receded with the rotation of blood.Therefore, I suspected that all the scheming I had spent was related to being born in a bourgeois family.Old Morgan would use human visual error to make eggs bigger, and I would use human visual error to reduce the amount of beaten rice; Morgans would calculate, and my abacus is also very good: use nails instead of barnyard flour, three catties of potatoes for five A catty of yellow radishes, just like the "buy short and sell short" on the exchange, made two yuan in one hand... It is true that fighting for survival is a human instinct, but the way of fighting depends on each person's temperament and upbringing; Inheritance is natural, and acquired nature can also be inherited.I was taken aback when I realized that although I had no property, I had all the habits of the bourgeoisie in my blood.I resisted and doubted the criticisms against me in 1957. Although I later fully admitted it, I completely overturned it in the period of "low standards".And now, I think that the criticism of me is right, even the malicious criticism of the "director of the sales department" is also right.People who have been begging for food since childhood must have an intuitive hostility towards the bourgeois "young master" they have enjoyed since childhood.Although I am not aware of it, I am indeed a "bourgeois rightist". The reason why I am not aware of it is precisely because it is determined innately.

I was thirsty, I was thirsty like a fire in my mouth, but there was nothing I could do, and I took this torture as my punishment.I am silently reciting Dante's "Divine Comedy": From me is the way into the city of misery; from me is the way into eternal pain; from me is the way into the people of eternal doom. The class I belonged to has been destroyed. If I don’t go to hell, who will go to hell?