Chapter 4 believe in love

believe in love (1) I like to listen to songs, especially songs with a little sadness.I also like to watch MTV and often picture myself as the melancholy diva. I like Stefanie Sun's "The Sky is Dark". When I saw the lonely female singer walking in the grass on TV, I suddenly felt that I saw myself, just like the song sang. "I fell in love with someone who made me desperate, I thought this was the world I was after then rampage Be misunderstood and deceived Behind the adult world There's always something missing" From first love to marriage, every relationship has always made me desperate, never thinking about the consequences.It's like getting married. We just knew each other for less than three months, and we were together for less than a month. It was just because I wanted to get married, so I got married.

The process of getting to know my ex-husband is a bit like the plot in a novel.On the train from Guangzhou to Shenzhen, he sat opposite me with a group of his friends.They chat with my mother.I sat quietly on the side. I had no interest in these young Hong Kong people at first.It was just that suddenly, he made a movement. I can't remember this movement until now, but I just remember it clearly. This movement made me suddenly touched, and I was inexplicably moved.So I started paying attention to him.Next, maybe the two of us were really destined. He lost his ID card and couldn't return to Hong Kong that day, so my enthusiastic mother said, it's better to live with me.

That's how we got to know each other. After that, he returned to Hong Kong after taking the documents, and came back again.Everything happened very quickly. Later, when my mother found out that we were dating, she felt that he was too poor and had no job, so she strongly opposed it.I had a falling out with my mother, I moved out from my mother, We got married.He returned to Hong Kong to find a job and came to Shenzhen once a week. The life between me and him is very practical. I rent a house in Shenzhen. Every time he comes from Hong Kong, when we are together, we just think about where to eat delicious food, or where to go to sing and drink.Sometimes, we will travel to other cities with his friends, but the program of the trip is to play cards, sing, and eat.

I am very busy working in an accounting firm and often travel across the country. Sometimes, we only see each other once a month, and the time we spend together passes quickly for us. As for everything about him, what he does, what he has done, I have never learned about it.I always feel that the one who lives with me is the current him. What he did in the past, who he loved, and what he likes has nothing to do with me.As for what to do now, I think everyone is an adult, each should have his own life circle, and we live in different cities, so it should not have much to do with me.The only thing that has anything to do with me is him who appeared in front of my eyes.

In this way, after two years, at the end of 1995, I immigrated to Hong Kong. The process of finding a job was quite smooth. Within a week of arriving in Hong Kong, I started working at a TV station.This is my ideal since I was a child, and it is also something I never thought I could do after graduating from university. My work went smoothly unexpectedly, and after three months, I moved to another largest TV station in Hong Kong. Our life is the same as that of most Hong Kong people. We go to work during the day, watch TV at home at night, drink tea with the elders at home on Sunday, and then go shopping.Sometimes, he goes out to eat with his friends and listens to them chat about Ma Jing.

We seldom talk about our own affairs, whether it is his work or mine, we have no interest in each other, but this seems to be no problem. Originally, in my eyes, he was a person who knew a lot more than me, but gradually, I found that I knew more and more things, so I had fewer and fewer questions, and our conversations became more and more complicated. It started getting less and less. Soon, we had a baby, although it was a bit sudden, but for me, when I saw the baby was born, I felt lucky and happy. The child was not yet full moon, and I changed jobs again, joined Phoenix Satellite TV, and started my master's course in communication.Those two years were quite strenuous, because I had to work during the day, and I had to go to class two nights a week.Although the child is taken care of by the elderly during the day, I still insist on taking the child by myself at night.So, the two began to revolve around the child.

In Fenghuang, because there were few people and many opportunities, the pressure began to increase. For a while, I was very unhappy at work and very depressed. I used to cry in front of him, but he didn’t understand at all. He felt that I was looking for trouble.So, I never talked about anything about work in front of him again. Perhaps because of being a reporter, I need to make decisive decisions on many things, and this style has begun to be brought into my life by myself. After a while, I found that in life, whether it is deciding where to eat, or Whether I should change a carpet at home has become a matter for me to decide.

I think that's what married life is like. Until one day, I bumped into a college classmate I hadn't seen in eight years, my one-time best friend.He looked at me and said, is this you? Where is the cheerful, confident, happy Luqiu in college? Where is the Luqiu who pursues love and his own happiness? My heart, which had become lifeless, began to become restless. I began to reflect on my life, and I began to think about an issue that I had been reluctant to touch.Do I still love him? Is this the marriage I want? For love, I have always had my own imagination.Maybe it was because I read too many romance novels when I was young.I believe that love should be the kind that makes people immersed in passion every day, makes people open their eyes every day, and see every different beautiful morning.Love should be something that makes people beautiful, vivid, and full of inspiration.In a happy marriage, two people should not only be lovers, but also soul confidants.There should be endless topics to talk about, and countless things to share.At the very least, everyone should have similar values ​​and world views.

believe in love (2) However, between me and my ex-husband, we have been living in a complete reality from the beginning to the end. Whenever I want to touch something deep in my heart, I know the difference between us, So I walked around, just pretending that I couldn't see it. I began to reflect on our beginnings and why I wanted to get married in the first place.I think the big reason is because my parents divorced since I was a child, which made me always long to have my own home.My mother's objection only increased my determination.As for my young self, I don't even know what kind of person I am suitable for.But, knowing that this kind of marriage is wrong, what should I do?

For the next two years, I have been struggling with this question, should I end this marriage.Because he is innocent, he is a kind person, he just doesn't understand me, we are not suitable for each other. I asked my friends, and they said, in fact, from the very beginning, we knew that you were not suitable.But how to do it is up to you to decide.As your friend, no matter what decision you make, we support you and are still your friend. My father advised me to be more cautious for the sake of my children. Finally one day, I said to him, let's break up. Those weeks were pretty painful for me and for him.It took courage to say it, and it took courage for him to accept it.

He asked me if it was because of a third party.I said no, really no, it's just that he still can't understand or believe it until now. I want to tell him, just because I think that if there is no love in a marriage, it is a disrespect for marriage.And if a marriage is unhappy, not only will the two be unhappy, but the children will not be happy either. But in the end, I didn't say it.I just quietly moved out of the two of us house. We have now been separated for almost four years.During these days, many things happened.We occasionally talk on the phone to discuss things about the child, and I still drink tea with his mother, and I still call his mother Mom. Time is slowly diluting the pain at that time bit by bit. Many times, I will ask myself, do I regret doing this.I think I can say with absolute certainty that I have no regrets. In fact, I have never regretted that I got married so early, because I think that life cannot be lived in regret, and many decisions at that time must have reasons and backgrounds at that time.I think, I clearly know that when I decided to get married, there was love between us. At that time, both of us were sincere and hoped that we could live together forever in the future. It's just that life is constantly changing, and the two of us are constantly changing.In the environment we live in, we are faced with more and more choices in life, our views on life are becoming more and more different, and the way we choose to live is also beginning to be different.At this time, the two of us failed to see this in time, failed to stop, and communicated with each other to see how to solve it, but kept moving forward on our own.So suddenly we found that we became more and more strangers, less and less speechless.The love we once had has disappeared without our knowing it. Over the years, although my marriage has failed, I think the big reason lies in myself.But I never gave up believing in the existence of love.Over the years, I have also met people I love, but not everyone regards love as important as I do.When love conflicts with other things, what they choose is always not love. Sometimes, I wonder if I am too persistent.Just like the song sang, behind the adult world, there are always incompleteness.Perhaps at the beginning, if I hadn't been so obsessed with my own principles, my marriage would have been able to survive until now, just like most people.But if so, am I living my life honestly? Will I be happy? Many times, my heart will feel lonely.When there are more people, standing in the crowd, the more I feel that I can't see clearly.This lonely heart is waiting for the arrival of someone who also believes in the existence of love. Maybe a little unrealistic. But I did come across it, albeit briefly.Although ultimately lost to worldly desires and temptations.But after all, it was sincere.Love used to stay by my side. Until now, I still believe that love exists in this world.I still believe that there is one person who believes this as much as I do. only "Love always makes you cry, make people feel unsatisfied The sky is big but I can't see clearly so lonely. . . . . . "