Chapter 6 Miss Tonya
In the early summer more than twenty years ago, I fell in love with Dong Niya.
In that year, the "Cultural Revolution" had already won a decisive victory, but the revolution was not over and was developing in depth.
Before I fell in love with Tonya, I had known Tonya for nearly ten years.It was the first novel I read when I was a kid.In the winter of 1965, the weather in Chongqing was extremely desolate and dreary. The winter rain that cannot be avoided every year first fell silently, and then unknowingly turned into a chilly and unsettling rain.
Mandatory nap.I hid under the blanket and read Paul's comics.My mother quietly came over to inspect and confiscated the comic books, but said: There are novels at home, and comic books!From then on, I bid farewell to comic books and read novels, and they were in traditional Chinese characters.
Ostrovsky wrote a fascinating account of the revolution, and I was fascinated by it.In retrospect, the novel is attractive because it depicts the road of revolutionary trials that accompanied love experiences: Paul had three girlfriends, and the last girlfriend became his wife; by then, he was almost paralyzed up.Daya, who is beautiful in quality and accompanied by revolutionary consciousness, is willing to dedicate himself to him—to be exact, to dedicate himself to the revolutionary cause represented by Paul.Both revolution and love are irritating topics, like the current story of cops and robbers encountering beauties, making teenagers dazed and excited inexplicably.But I was not clear about the relationship between the revolution and love: Is the revolution for love, or is love for revolution?Revolution is a social behavior, and love and desire are individual behaviors; revolution is not a dinner party, painting and embroidery cannot be so elegant, gentle, courteous and frugal, revolution is..., and love and desire are natural forces that occasionally appear in the fragility of individuals, "a kind of warmth, sparkle and The feeling of becoming pure glow"...
Like most revolutionary novels, the thread of erotic desire affects the experiences of the revolutionaries in the story, but the relationship between revolution and erotic desire is quite ambiguous. There is no joy of unexpected encounters between the two, but instead, there are scattered and embarrassing sorrows and joys.In "counter" revolutionary novels, the relationship between revolution and eroticism is often much more explicit in the dark social upheavals.Pasternak wrote that Lana's husband found out that Lana was not a virgin and had been "possessed by the bourgeoisie" on their wedding night, so he defected to the revolutionary "bourgeoisie"; Described as a frail candle in a chandelier shaken violently by the revolution, it is like the desolate twilight in the summer wilderness, which is not on the same horizon as the revolution like the red and red morning glow.
What is the place of love and lust?How does it relate to that revolution?From the beginning I was subconsciously concerned about Tonya's place in the revolution.I kept thinking, why did the author arrange for Paul and Tonya to have an unexpected reunion in a world of ice and snow?In the reunion, Paul humiliates the shock of his first love with the "rudeness" of revolutionary consciousness, saying that she has become "sour", and pretends not to know that the man standing next to Tonya is her husband.
I don’t know if I describe my first love in this way, complaining secretly about the castration of my first love by the revolution, or cleaning the bourgeois blue sailor uniform and fat-leg pants with revolutionary soap to wash away the alien class sentiments on the first love.On the eve of fleeing, Paul hugged Tonya for the first time for several hours. He felt how docile Tonya's soft body was. "Unintentionally touched the lover's breast"... If the revolution had not happened, or if the revolution had stopped abruptly when the lovers were close together in the land of tenderness, Paul had married the daughter of the bourgeoisie, what would have happened? It's another story.
They swore to never forget each other.At that time Paul had no sense of revolution and called the revolution a "riot".
The love words in love have become the residual leaves in the hurricane. Is this caused by revolutionary consciousness?
Before I finished reading this novel for the first time, the "Cultural Revolution" broke out on the streets and in schools.I don't understand the meaning of this revolution, I only heard that it is a revolution against the "bourgeoisie"; all bourgeoisie are "sour" and Tonya is a member of the bourgeoisie, so Tonya is "sour" of.However, why does the caress of the bourgeois Tonya arouse the "rapid heartbeat" of Paul, a worker's child, and how dare Paul say "I love you so much"?
I have no time to think about it.With aversion to Tonya's "sour smell", with Paul's autobiography in mind, he joined the "Cultural Revolution" red soldier team and went to distribute leaflets.
In fact, from the very beginning, I secretly liked Tonya. She has a hearty personality, a gentle temperament, loves to read novels, and has a heavenly quality. The first concrete image of a light, transparent beauty in my mind.But Paul said that she is not "one of my own", and we must be wary of having feelings for her... I am concerned about Dongia's position in the revolution, but the reason is that if she is not a member of the revolutionary team, I cannot (Don't dare) like her.
The "Cultural Revolution" has reached the stage of armed struggle. The "villains" have occupied the west and south districts, and are advancing towards the central district; the "protection faction" has occupied most of the central district, leaving only a six-story electric building near my house controlled by the "villains", and the "protection faction" has besieged for a week.The "villains" in the southern area lined up dozens of anti-aircraft cannons on the beach on the south bank of the Yangtze River, bombarding the central area day and night.
I can't go out on the street, amidst the sound of guns and guns, except to watch off the citizens who fled with their clothes and help the old and the young, I finished reading.
That night, bursts of automatic rifles and bursts of submachine guns echoed in my ears all night, and the sound of grenade explosions was heard from time to time in my tight fear; Intensely going on.Early in the morning, smoke billowed from the building. The "Baopai" failed to attack all night, so they simply set fire to them and surrounded them tightly on three sides.The stubborn "villain" gunmen finally abandoned the building and fled.
The alley in front of my house has been sealed off, and four female high school students the same age as Tonya are guarding here.It was July, and the weather was sultry, and the tight belts made their youthful breasts more plump, reminiscent of Paul's "accidental" touch.Under the grass-green steel helmets are fair and delicate faces with big and bright eyes.Chongqing girls are very beautiful... I am envious of the Type 56 submachine guns in their hands, because Paul likes to play with Browning.
Their task is to intercept the fleeing "villain" team members.The other side didn't have a uniform, so how would they know if the young man with a sniper and hurrying through the alley was a "villain" or one of his own?The only basis for identification is the memory of classmates.The young man carrying the sniper was dragged back, the sled was removed, and the submachine guns in the hands of the girls hit him on the head and face in turn while waving their white and tender arms.On the chest...he is not his own, but a classmate.
I saw pure blood for the first time.
While trembling, I suddenly thought of Tonya; why did she save Paul?Does she understand revolution?Did she save Pavel for the sake of the revolution?Paul had clearly said that Tonya was not one of her own.
Revolution and Eros have one vaguely common denominator: devotion.Devotion is the occasional shift in the position of the individual body, "this one" body self is thrown into the desired space-time position by oneself, and re-settles itself in the time that is purely personal.Of course, revolution and eros dedicate themselves to different places in time and space; but both revolution and eros require dedicating cowardly devotion, which often makes people unable to distinguish the difference between the two.
There is no devotion without reason, there is always a reason for devotion, and this reason may be called the disposition of "this one" bodily self.The difference between revolution and erotic devotion lies in temperament.Paul devoted himself to the revolution, and Tonya devoted herself to love.The direction of the input of the body position is different, and a tragic tension was brewing, but it was easily ended because of Paul's escape.Paul walked into the revolutionary ranks and left behind a series of brilliant achievements; Dongia was thrown into a place that was not even a corner of history after being underestimated by the revolutionary consciousness.
Paul did not intend to dedicate himself to the revolution from the very beginning, and dedicating himself to the revolution required many trials.Austenitic likes to use lust to prove Paul's loyalty to the revolution, but once, he used lust to prove Paul's loyalty to love.In the cell, Paul confronts the sacrifice of a young girl who is about to be raped.Both sympathy and lust provide reasons for Paul to accept the dedication of "this one" girl, and the power of lust is obviously greater, because Paul feels that he needs the power of self-control, and sympathy obviously does not need such self-control.In fact, the lust aroused by Kriskina's "hot and plump" lips erased "all the pain in front of Paul's eyes" in the prison cell, the girl's body and "tear-soaked cheeks" "It made Paul feel involuntary, "It is really difficult to escape."
It was Tonya, it was her "beautiful and lovely eyes" that made Paul find the power of self-control, not only suppressing lust, but also suppressing sympathy.There is no restraint of some kind of sexual moral principle here, just because he has "this one" Tonya in his heart.The eros of Paul's "this" body self only tends to another "this" body self, which is irreplaceable.
The revolutionary consciousness redirected Paul's erotic power.The love words before parting with Tonya were turned into trembling things by the revolutionary consciousness that should be ridiculed.The awakening of the revolutionary consciousness means that the lust of the "I" body self must be subordinate to the revolution. From this we can understand why there is so much original strength of the body self in the revolution.
The "September 5th Order" was issued, and all armed revolutionary groups handed over various firearms in accordance with the instructions of the leaders.The streets are bustling with excitement, and the "Bao Pai" armed forces are holding a grand handover ceremony.The ceremony was actually a display of various weapons; Jiefang trucks dragged four anti-aircraft guns, carrying heavily armed combat teams, and slowly circled the urban area.
I was attracted by a truckload of combatants: twenty girls as old as Tonya were sitting in the car, each with a light machine gun in their arms, wearing a grass-green steel helmet, and a female high school student lying on the hood , holding the heavy machine gun mounted on the front of the car, frowning—especially beautiful sword eyebrows, staring ahead.The girl's full body is full of spring and the mighty steel gun in her hand really complements each other.
In the evening, the middle school held the funeral of the martyrs.The first ceremony is to display the remains of the martyrs. The purpose is not to show the greatness of the martyrs, but to show the cruelty of the "villain"'s counter-revolutionary consciousness.
The weather is still sweltering, and there are many exposed parts of the corpses, most of which have turned dark gray, and some parts ooze gray-black liquid, which is filled with suffocating decay; dry branches to repel flies.
The body of a young man.He only has a pair of underpants on his body, and a thumb-thick rusty steel drill is inserted into his temple. His eyes are wide open, as if he is asking something, the eyeballs are rolled up, leaving a lot of whites.
Lying on the lawn was the corpse of a female high school student, her upper body was covered with a straw mat, her exposed waist indicated that her upper body was naked; her lower body was covered with a pair of grass green military uniform shorts.It seems that she had just "sacrificed" not long ago, and her body was still human.Her head is tilted to one side, her left cheek is soaked in the grass, and her pale lips are pressed against the hot and humid Chinese land. Originally, her lips should be looking forward to receiving the first love kiss mixed with shyness; without a helmet, her head drifted away The fresh hair is intertwined with the grass leaves covered with evening dew, which has a bit of "poetic flavor" described in revolutionary novels.Her brows were tightly furrowed, it was the painful expression of enduring a fall before she stopped breathing after drinking a bullet... A (how many?) bullets shot through her neck?Shoot through the chest?Shoot through the heart?
I felt a loss of some kind of life tie, that sense of connecting "this" physical self with "another" physical self.I thought of the brows of the female high school student lying on the front of the car, clutching the heavy machine gun, and suddenly thought of Tonya, if she also devoted herself to the revolution and got on that train with Paul...
Head Zhao of the martial arts regiment delivered an emotional speech to the crowd, "For... (of course not for these young corpses) I swear to the death and fight to the end!" Then he drew one of the three pistols strapped to his waist. Revolver, facing the sky, his comrades raised their guns.The funeral ended with the frightening sound of gunfire.
Revolutionary devotion is different from erotic devotion. The former requires the individual to obey the overall purpose of the revolution so that the revolution can be realized, while erotic devotion only lingers and consolidates the individual status. The devotion of "this one" in love with "the other" is the erotic end itself of the accidental individual, which is bound up with the finite existence of the individual; The second purpose, in the words of Aurobindo's heartbeat: "My whole life and all my energy are dedicated to the most magnificent cause in the world - to fight for the liberation of all mankind." Struggle is revolution, "to liberate the whole world." Humanity" is the secondary (ultimate) purpose of this revolution.For this purpose the individual must bid farewell to his finite existence and, by dedicating himself to the revolution, dedicate himself to the infinite permanence of all mankind.There is the ultimate reason for the existence of the contingent individual in the infinite eternity, and it is said that the finite contingent individual loses the reason for living if he abandons the infinite all human beings.The relationship between the infinite permanence and the finite contingent has always been tense, Kierkegaard groaned: "The renunciation of the infinite is the shirt mentioned in an old legend. The silk thread is woven with tears. Just, bleached with tears, that shirt was sewn with tears.” The novel of “counter” revolution expresses exactly this kind of “renunciation of the infinite”, so it is full of trembling with terror in the revolution for the infinite. tears.
Before the advent of Christ, all kinds of religions in the world have been scattered all over the world, and they are still being developed; no matter what kind of religion, rational or irrational, silent or crazy, the purpose is nothing more than to make the limited chance of the individual In the body, move to infinity, although the implication of this infinity is very different, there are gods, there are omnipotence, there are Brahma, there are heavens, there are pure lands, and there are people.But the infinite permanence of the revolution makes the lingering individual love and desire lose its reason; abandoning the revolution means that the individual and occasional "I" is no longer there.
In many revolutions, the rot of many "this one" young bodies is not enough to shock people, and the display of many "this one" youthful corpses is only for the educational purpose of the revolution: this is the individual's identification with "the people" A price that must be paid.When Paul parted from Tonya, he said that "there were many excellent girls" with whom they "carried out cruel struggles" and "endured all hardships."He wanted Tonya to join in the brutal struggle, to know when to draw a pistol, like his political counselor Lida.
After the fighting, under the military control, the middle school students continued to carry out the revolution on the soul and body of the individual, and made great achievements in the vast world.At that time, I was already past the age of middle school students, and I was fascinated by the vast world.The small steamer that went to the countryside to jump in line went down the Yangtze River and headed for Padang.On board, I didn't enjoy the scenery; I just read it again.I found that my reading speed has greatly improved, and my ability to recognize traditional Chinese characters has also improved.
I'm still wondering why Tonya didn't follow Paul in dedicating herself to the revolution.When I read it for the first time, I felt sorry for Tonya and Paul: It would be great if Tonya and Paul devoted themselves to the revolution together and became a revolutionary couple.Now, this sense of regret is much weaker.But Tonya only loves Paul out of pure love, and I still don't understand.
The educated youth spots gathered by high school graduates are "inserted" on the sparse and lonely shrubs and hills mixed with white rocks. The broken cliff rocks and tangled branches along the cracks of the rocks lead the high school students into love and attachment to the revolution. foothills, as Paul described.
The secretary of the Communist Youth League of the educated youth spot is a nineteen-year-old girl, not pretty, but she has good eyes, a cheerful and humorous personality, and is a smart girl.She fell in love with a propaganda committee member of the Youth League branch who was the son of a local poor peasant.Under the moonlight, this revolutionary couple I admire (the lovers who dare to break through the urban-rural segregation) often leave everyone to talk about revolutionary work and exchange rose-red revolutionary experiences in the dew-covered dark forest.They come back from the woods and always bring us revolutionary instructions full of reverie.Under the dominance of their revolutionary enthusiasm (love?), the political activities of the educated youth spots were very impressive.Although the propaganda committee members are not very literate, they can speak eloquently, and they are very attractive in political work.Like Paul, he also likes to read revolutionary novels: "Fire King Kong", "Lin Haixueyuan", "The Armed Forces Behind the Enemy's Rear"...
One early summer evening, when I came back from the construction site, I saw the Communist Youth League secretary lying on the wooden board in the valley, wet. Although his face was bloodless, his slightly smiling expression seemed to be still sipping the slight breeze in the remote night sky of the field. breath.She committed suicide by jumping into the pond!How is this possible, how could she die!The life of youth has just begun, and there are still so many joys and sorrows waiting for her to have.Wasn't this the girl who would one day lift her tenderness on her wedding night, and some future day embrace her babe in trembling arms?I don't believe she's dead, it can't be, it shouldn't be.I couldn't help but pull her wrist, hoping to get the pulse back.Because of my actions, the wailing of the performatively wailing peasant women at the scene stopped, and they looked at me curiously... She didn't wake up, but I kept waiting for her breath that once ignited love; a kind of helplessness Yan Biao's sense of destruction has become the only endless way out...
The Propaganda Committee was never present.Later I heard that our Communist Youth League Secretary died from the trauma of love. As the first person to have the most personal skin-to-skin relationship with her, which was so joyful and inexplicable, he did not cherish her dedication with revolutionary sentiments. ; For his great revolutionary future, he had to belittle her.
With a broken mind, I reread it.I began to feel that all three of Paul's girlfriends were nothing more than proof of his dedication: to justify the neglect of the individual, and Paul's willpower in the process.
Paul claimed that devotion to the revolution does not need to have the tragic element of testing the will with asceticism, and he did not want to be a revolutionary ascetic.But love must belong to the revolution. Paul, who already has a revolutionary consciousness, said to Tonya: "You must go the same way as us.... I will be your bad husband. If you think that I should belong to you first, Then it belongs to the party. But as far as I am concerned, the first is the party, and the second is you and other people close to you." The revolutionary "we" has become the individual I-you love between Paul and Tonya conditions of.Love between husband and wife is justified only for the sake of the party.
"Tonia gazed sadly at the shining blue river, with tears in her eyes."
Tonya's heart must have been broken, a chilling sense of destruction had suddenly touched her in a moment of dear and intangible happiness.
But, what a lovely Toniki!She accepts no strings attached to the love offered by the man she loves.She loves Paul "this one", and once Paul abandons himself, her love will be destroyed.
I began to think that those revolutionaries who are riding a horse and riding a horse had better not disturb the flimsy love.Revolutionaries should actually be ascetics, otherwise it is inevitable that "this one" who is obsessed with love and lust will become a stepping stone for revolutionaries.Eros is a purely individual event, the lingering tenderness of the encounter between "this" occasional body and another "this" occasional individual, while revolution is a collective event.Social revolution and individual eroticism have their own justifications, and the two have nothing to do with each other.
I began to understand why Tonya did not follow Paul to dedicate herself to the revolution.Although her life is not as great as Paul's life dedication, she only knows the simple and inseparable day and night, and the simple and reserved family life without social laurel.By what right does Paul have the right to say that this purpose of life is base and vulgar unless it is attached to a revolutionary purpose, and to ask Tonya to be ashamed of it?In Paul's revolutionary self-report in reminiscence, isn't there a resentment that the world is spring and I am alone?
In those revolutionary years, there were not many girls who could refuse Paul's love with conditions.With what individual temperament did Tonya resist the sacrifice transaction with love as a bargaining chip?I want to know this.There was an aristocratic air about Toniki, made up of songs, prayers, poems, and novels, and she knew her rights.Once, facing Paul's rudeness, Tonya said: "What right do you have to talk to me like this? I never asked who you made friends with, or who came to your house." The revolution does not allow this Lida, Paul's political counselor and lover, and Daya, who compensates for Paul's loss of love, do not have this awareness of individual rights.
Dong Niji "grows up from a lot of novels she has read", and the world of classical novels provides her with a gorgeous and simple ideal of life.She wants to have an ordinary, purely her own life in her individual body position.There are thousands of justifiable reasons for the revolution (including the reasons for praising gay revolutionary lovers), but there is no reason to deprive the right of private sex and its self-rooted value and purpose.
There is a historical encounter in the story between the "sour smell" dedicated to the love of the occasional individual and the rudeness dedicated to the revolution, and it ends with the proletarian rudeness humiliating the aristocratic "sour smell".Does it imply that the revolution that is considered to "liberate all mankind" aims to destroy the day and night that the soul and body of the individual occasionally express with the most subtle tenderness?
I was very disturbed, because I realized that I fell in love with the aristocratic temperament of Tonya surrounded by azure mist, fell in love with her ideal of individual life built on the tender feelings of sympathy and sympathy nurtured by classical novels, fell in love with Her fragile but immeasurable dedication in purely her own love.She once loved Paul "this one", and Paul withdrew "this one" who he did not intend to reject his love, and threw himself into the embrace of "the people".This is certainly Paul's personal freedom, but he has no reason and right to rudely belittle Tonya's ordinary outlook on life, which only begs for sympathy and companionship.
I read it with the experience of the "Cultural Revolution" and my personal understanding of this great event.This kind of experience and understanding is one-sided. There must be another kind of revolution in the world, but I have not experienced it. After the "unprecedented" event, I didn't read it again.Paul's image has faded, but Tonya's image has become as fragrant and smooth as spring rain, bright and tender, residing in the heart, like the plowed soil ready to bear fruit.I started to look for the "a lot of novels" that she might have read:, "Insulted and Damaged",,, "Carmen"...
This personal affair took place in the autumn of 1975.Not long ago, I read a sentence by the French composer Ropartz: Quinous dira la raison de vivre? (Who will tell us the reason for living?) This reminds me of the experience of pity for the destroyed love of Tonya that I treasured in my heart. I can still feel that my heart is following Tonya's erratic blue The streamers of the blue sailor shirt fluttered.I dare not think of her, when I think of her, my heart aches...
March 1996 Hong Kong