Chapter 22 21. Guess

21. Guess 210 Doctor F's judgment is only the opinion of the family, and there are still different opinions on O's death.However, almost everyone who knows her believes that: O no longer loves Z.There is no difficulty in agreeing on this point: In seven years, from admiration to disappointment, from disappointment to unbearable, O's love for Z has ceased to exist.Moreover, this kind of consensus, either from the tone or the expression, often seems to reveal a little prescient complacency, which cannot be said to be pleasant - after all, it is a deplorable thing, but it looks like a difficult problem There is finally an understanding, albeit unexpectedly cruel.

But the fog is far from clearing.The rain has stopped, but the sky is still overcast, the clouds are heavy and thick. Like O's suicide note, is it a lie? "In this world, I only love you. If I have the strength to love again, I will still choose you." O is not a person who can lie, especially at a time like this.Or just to give Z a little comfort?Also, if she doesn't love painters anymore, if she just can't bear the "conquest" and "cold burning", why doesn't she get a divorce? O is by no means the kind of woman who is bound by traditional women's morality (single and loyal), and her previous divorces are the most convincing proof.If she still loves Z, how to understand the prologue of that death?And between that prologue and the death, O said very little, and never made excuses.Or, to prove your innocence by dying?But it was clearly not a hasty move—the beautiful fish was already ready, dried or roasted, in a small glass jar.

211 Z's half-brother HJ said: "It's hard for others to imagine how much 0 worshiped my brother. It's almost like a believer worships God. Is it T, am I not exaggerating?" HJ asked with a smile T next to him, pointing to T at the same time: "Anyway, she never did that to me." It was shortly after O's death, and HJ and T came back from abroad, and it was said that they wanted to invest in a European-style restaurant in China. T was still as young as before going abroad, leading his son.The boy can speak Chinese, but when he is in a hurry, he speaks foreign languages.

HJ said: When O wrote to HJ more than once, he said that people like Z with both talent and perseverance are really rare, and there are even fewer people with both talent and perseverance, who are poor and unshakable. At least in O There is no second in the field of vision. T said: O once wrote to T that she never dreamed that she would get such a perfect love. "It's a bit vulgar, but "Victory is innumerable in the world" is really a swan song through the ages. She said that the poet must have had the same feelings as I do now, otherwise it would be impossible to write such a poem.Of course, it’s not just sex, it’s not just happiness, it’s love and happiness. At this time, the only words you can think of are these two words: love, happiness.However, the two sentences "if the two loves are long-lasting, how can they be in the morning and evening" are also good, but she said that she really hopes that "the two loves are long-lasting" and can be inseparable day and night.She said that as long as she can watch Z draw pictures every day, life is enough for her, as long as she can be by Z's side all her life, listening to his voice, watching his actions, smelling his smell, and taking care of his body Life, never dare to have any extravagant hopes for fate, otherwise it is simply ignorance of God's grace, and it is simply abusing God's generous gift.But is this already a luxury?She said that she was so happy that sometimes she was afraid. Why would fate treat me so favorably?

"My brother, oh, what can I say about him?" HJ shook his head and sighed, unable to say anything more. "The responsibility of the two of them, in my opinion, is the responsibility of the two of them," said T. "Actually, neither of them knows much about love." "T is now a love expert, I often listen to teachings," HJ became more humorous than before. T said: "The two of them, one needs to be admired, the other needs to be admired, the one who needs to be admired suddenly finds that her idol is not quite right... The other, see, he either finds another admirer, or finds another Go crazy with narcissism."

"How about you, are you equal?" I asked. "More than equality?" HJ said, "We're both like-minded, feminists." T also laughed: "I'm just hotter than him..." "Not only that, you are too humble, you are amazing!" HJ turned to me again, "You may have heard of my history of long-distance running, right?" "I've heard of it." "In Chapter 15, you can go back and read it again. I'm still running like that. I have sold all my prestige, but I have never escaped from the position of suitor. No, no, don't get me wrong, this is me. free choice."

"That's because you're so useless," T said with a big laugh, "but you've always had your freedom, don't you admit it? Did I force you?" "Of course not. As I've emphasized, I'm a voluntary male believer in feminism." "Do you still believe in equality so much?" T asked me, "You might as well believe in freedom." At this time their youngest son asked me: "Do you know martial arts?" "He felt that in China, everyone must know martial arts," T said, with a look of sadness on his face. "Hey, maybe he is destined to be a foreigner. We both still want to come back often, and we will come back completely one day."

"But since when did O's admiration for Z turn into disappointment?" I asked. "No one can tell when. The most obvious thing is that the last time we came back, O told us something... Hey, you should tell me." T asked her husband to say. "O also heard it from my dad. Originally, my mom didn't allow my dad to tell others, but one day my dad was drunk again, and my mom wasn't at home. O happened to be there, and I heard my dad sitting in the room and yelling. My brother said that he actually told people that my mother was our nanny." "How come?" I said.

HJ: "You'd better not ask my dad about it, you won't hear anything other than hearing him yelling. It's like this: one of our British friends came to China. This British guy is almost an art dealer. I am also an artist, I hope he can go to see my brother's paintings. I told him about my brother, he is very interested. I think my brother's paintings are really great, maybe if they can be taken to Europe You can become famous all at once. Seriously, my brother is really painting with his heart and soul. I have never seen anyone like him, or painting with his life. It is fair, indeed. O is right, like me There are not many people who are as persistent and talented as my brother. Every time he finishes a painting, he will get seriously ill and lose weight. He never went to an art academy, nor did he learn from any famous teacher. He just painted by himself. I have seen him painting all day long since I was a child, saving the food money my mother gave him to buy painting colors and painting tools. Since I was a child, I always heard my sister say that he is a genius, and he will definitely succeed..."

HJ: "But that time, Z, my brother, actually introduced my mother to my British friend in English... saying that she is our family's servant...but my father can understand English, especially 'Servant' 'This word, my dad was a servant in an English pastor's house decades ago!" HJ: "That day, the Englishman was reading his works at my brother's place. My mother went to send my brother freshly steamed buns. Because O was away for a few days, it seemed that he went to the south. It was a rare day My dad also went there. As soon as my dad was about to enter the door, he heard my brother's introduction in the room. The voice was not loud, but that kind of introduction was so familiar to my dad. No matter how young you are, you will react immediately. My dad stood still outside the door immediately, and heard my mother still apologize to the Englishman, saying that he didn’t know there were guests coming, and there were too few buns. My dad Jumped into the house, grabbed my mother and walked out without saying a word..."

T: "When O told us about this, his face was expressionless, with a tired look on his face." HJ: "I believe that's true, my brother can do it. How can he be such a 'noble great man' with such an old and sloppy mother who can steam buns? Especially in an English gentleman In front of you. My mother is no longer what she was when she was young. After decades of suffering, she is completely like an uneducated old lady. Have you ever seen a painting titled 'Mother' painted by my brother? Yes, That's what he wants. He wants his mother to be like that forever, the mother in his dreams is always like that, I get it, it's actually kind of touching. But, 'he wants his mother to be like that forever' and 'his mother must have It's like that, you can understand the difference? Subtle but fundamental difference! What he loves is not his mother, he loves himself! Of course he also wants his mother to be happy, but mainly, he wants his mother Don't damage his 'noble image'. He wasn't like this when he was a child, he only hated my dad. But I don't know when, I can see that he also despises my mother, he despises our family." T: "My husband still went to Z and told him about it, and scolded him, but Z didn't say a word." HJ: "Don't embarrass him, it's his limit not to say a word, even if he cries, he will never let others see. I have scolded him once in my life, and he has always scolded me." T: "I heard that he apologized to your mother later, and knelt down to your mother when there was no one else." HJ: "Really, why don't I know?" T: "O won't let me tell anyone. O cried and asked me to promise not to tell anyone. O said otherwise Z would hate her to death. Of course, mom forgave him, and mom will definitely forgive him." "Did O forgive him too?" I asked. T shook his head: "O didn't say anything. I asked O, do you forgive Z? O didn't say anything, just sat motionless for half an hour, and then left." HJ: "Maybe it was this incident that made O very disappointed with Z. From then on, O often talked about Buddhism in her letters to us. Then, for a long time before her death, we never heard from her again. letter." 212 Z's stepfather was still a frequent visitor to that small hotel, but he stopped playing the erhu, and would scold Z when he was drunk. It seemed that it was easier and more enjoyable than playing the erhu. "Don't mention Z to me, I will get angry if you mention him!" In fact, he wanted to mention it himself. "That bastard, even though he wasn't born to me, is as bad as I am, and he married a good wife like me, but he doesn't know his own happiness as well as I do, so let's live a good life, as— —!” The doors and windows of the small hotel were replaced with aluminum alloys, the tables and chairs were arranged like a train carriage, the lights were much brighter than before, and wallpaper was pasted on the walls.Among the frequent drinkers, Z's stepfather must be a veteran, and the number of seniors is gradually decreasing, and the young and strong are gradually getting old.The opera is still sung, and the "model opera" and "the emperor, general, minister, gifted scholar and beautiful woman" have become antiques and are missed.Apart from singing, I complain. Everything is better than in the past. Among the things now, I don’t criticize the TV, but I criticize the programs on TV, from news to commercials, until there is only a "snowflake" left on the screen. Z's stepfather is still popular, and people loved to listen to his erhu in the past, and now admire his swearing with the same enthusiasm. "I'm sorry to Z's mother, I understand that. But her bastard son, what kind of woman can live with him? I just drink, how about him? Do nothing all day just draw his pictures It’s something that even gods can’t understand. If he can understand something, he will draw a woman with bare buttocks, who is as big as a real person and naked, and it’s cold to look at. Yellow? Call him yellow! Don’t scan him? All the yellow calendars on the stalls have been swept away, but it’s also weird—how can his stuff be hung in an art gallery? Men and women still go to see it, let me tell you How about going to a kiln, no matter how similar the painting is, it’s fake, right?” It is better to drink "erguotou" wine, or to drink slowly, and there must be a proper pause between wine and cursing, which is good for taste.The dishes to go with the wine are still peanuts, preserved eggs, and pork head meat, but no matter what they are, they are not as good as in the past. Every day is always fucking worse.There seems to be such a kind of psychological preparation implied here: if the days are getting better every day, I am afraid that I will be more worried when I die. "Is it safe now? My wife is gone, and she walks away with a shake of her hand. I've seen that he doesn't have that blessing! What a good wife, you can't rely on her for anything outside the house? Looking at her these days I've been tired for years. That boy Z doesn't do anything, and the jobs in the factory are also lost. He hasn't worked a day for several years. Who will wait for him? He doesn't earn any money, but let his wife support him. Wait, how does he look like a man? Damn he is elegant, but let a woman suffer and suffer for him, besides painting, he listens to music, drinks better than me, dresses better than me, always What kind of woman can bear this? If I let a woman take care of me, I won’t have the face to prevent her from going to other people’s bed! Didn’t you see, a tape is ten yuan, and it’s all earned by O Bought it? But what about him, with a sound of "thorn-" he peeled off the cellophane on the top, saying how chic it was, "thorn--" he peeled off another one, saying that it was a pleasure. X pleasure, this is not taking off a woman's pants..." The city wall has long been gone and demolished. The location of the city wall is now the ring road, and there is a lot of traffic all day long.That small street was looking forward to the demolition, and the hope was even older. All the houses were dilapidated or even crooked.But there are also advantages. All the old houses now face the avenue, and they can do business after decoration. So small food stores, small restaurants, small repair shops, small hair salons... have opened up one after another.But the business can't be big, and the investment should not be too much. What if it's really demolition? HJ wants to stop listening to his dad too much. "He's drunk again. But now that he's old, he always talks about being sorry for my mother. He says that when he's drunk. After O's death, he talks a lot more, saying that the women in our family are all good women. There is no man like a man." 213 O, whether it's because Z disappointed her too much, or because the so-called "ultimate meaning of life" made her fall into a puzzled confusion, it seems that Dr. F's judgment is correct, and her desire to die has been around for a long time , just waiting for an opportunity.But why is there such a prelude to death? The poet L said: Yes, O no longer loves Z, but she doesn't want to admit it.She doesn't want to admit that the love she devoted all her efforts to is just her own fiction.Not only is she unwilling to admit it verbally, she also refuses to admit it in her consciousness, but she will admit it in her dream, and in her dream she can see everything that is real.So when she looked at Z's painting in Chapter 19, she felt extremely cold, because her lonely heart had nothing to rely on. L said: "I think she must often have nightmares. Of course, there is no way to prove this. O is dead. Only Z knows, but Z will never say." L said: "About the cause of O's death, never listen to F. This doctor is fascinated by philosophy, and his mind is full of metaphysics. Love and death are not so metaphysical. They are both emotional things and flesh and blood. Things, no matter how real and specific feelings and situations are. Life is actually very powerful. As long as there is love, I mean specific love, you will not die. Fraternity may be our ideal, and its Being out of reach sometimes makes us feel that life is absurd, but as long as there is a place in this world where we feel close and honest, we will not die. Would you die for a metaphysical reasoning? You may think of death because of this, but you can’t die because of it. There is actually a long way between wanting to die and dying.” The poet said: O's love this time is actually over, but she doesn't want to admit that she was caught by some so-called charm of Z - you have to admit Z's charm, like a king, a king always It has its charm, but that is not love, there is no closeness of heart and freedom between hearts.To say that O is unwilling to admit it is better to say that she is unable to admit it.However, she is a person, a very real person, a person who feels cold and lonely, like all people, she instinctively yearns for warm support, her heart and skin need a warm and solid embrace . The poet said: "I said before that dreams don't lie, dreams admit everything is real. I remember that in the third chapter, in the prologue of O's death, she drank alcohol. Alcohol disregards the logic of the world. What refers to the heart is the catalyst of dreams. Therefore, she fell into the arms of another man, which is an inevitable trend, although it may be an accidental opportunity. It is not caused by her will, but the outflow of emotion, it is The function of Dionysus is the driving force of dreams." L said: But after that happened, O found that the chance of death came unexpectedly, and she felt that everything could end, everything was so absurd, so inexplicable, only death became attractive .How good and easy it is to die, it doesn't rattle like a strange bird anymore, it's like a holiday, like a holiday brought on a quiet bright morning, nothing needs to be explained, it's incomprehensible to others.The reason why she said that she still loves Z is either to comfort Z, or because the man who escaped makes her look down even more, or it is simply because she is disappointed with all men—including WR of course.If love is nothing more than a consoling technique, a way to quench the thirst of the skin, if even she herself cannot escape such a clutch, if there is no freedom and no weight, everything is false and temporary, can she still What do you expect?Then only death is sweet. L said: "This is the reason for the death prologue. O is really a brave man, I am inferior." 214 The female director N said: "I don't know the specific reason for O's suicide. But I am inclined to the poet L's speculation." N said: A woman who loved so passionately and resolutely, a woman who regards love so pure and noble, if she is going to die, she must be disappointed in men.If a woman who was so dependent on, admired and trusted her lover committed suicide, the reason is obvious.There are very few people who are as calm as F and know how to advance and retreat, and there are even fewer women like that.Women are generally not as rational as men. This is their advantage and defect, so they love and love deeply, and die without knowing why. They are naturally unable to explain, and they do not have so much logic to rely on. N said: "I noticed that there are a few sentences in Chapter 18: 'The history of sexual promiscuity, except for the different details, is nothing more than two kinds-known and unknown'," L has such a history, which is well known to the world, and Z may have such a history, but it is less known'." "But in Chapter Nineteen, Z has explained this to O," I said, "that can't be the reason for O's suicide." N said: "But Z said, 'That's just a matter of sex, not about love', said he 'didn't promise anything to them', and said he 'wouldn't promise anything now'." "Is there anything suspicious about that?" I asked. "The two non-promises of Z are different." N said, "First, the non-promise to 'them' means only sex to 'them', not love. The second is the non-promise to O, but to O What is not promised?" "You mean, what other sexual relationship might he still have? No, no, no, Z was quite famous by then, and he was very serious about his image." "He also paid attention to it in the past, so it's 'little known', isn't it? But O is not such a narrow-minded person, and she won't be bitter about Z's past behavior. As for their marriage... well, let's not Saying this. But, do you think that sex—minus prostitution of course—is really just sex? No, never. I agree with C on this, and maybe L—sex is a ritual of love. Sex, Especially for married people, either an expression of love, or a confession of the opposite, no way, this is an established logic of language, I haven't seen anyone who can break this logic. O may tolerate it, many A woman may tolerate it, but just like the women in L's long poem, she cannot remain indifferent, and she cannot tolerate it in a dream. That is to say, women do not value a man's sexual chastity, but she values The ceremony of love, the weight of the ceremony is valued. Unless she is a fairy, but will the fairy commit suicide?" "Do you have any hard evidence? What do you know about Z?" "No, I don't know anything. I only know that the fundamental desire of love is to find a free covenant in a sea of ​​strangers. I also know a kind of hypocrisy. That kind of 'non-promise' declared in advance I am very fond of Familiar... I know someone who said the same thing. No, don't ask who he is... Yes, they are really alike, and they both take their image very seriously..." 215 Of course N does not refer to F. Dr. F has promised N, but "Although the mountain alliance is here, the book is hard to trust", and N has not heard from F for a long time. So who does N refer to? Writing night, the only person who resembles Z can only be WR.In my childhood, they overlapped in my impression, and now, they will overlap again in "taking their own image very seriously".The principle of writing night remains the same: it doesn’t matter who is who, because at the end of the day, the men and women of writing night are nothing but my thoughts. So that said: In all likelihood, N had a relationship with WR.And on writing night, everything that could be true, everything that could be equated with truth. WR's official career was blocked for a while, and he seems to have encountered a paradox: Are you sticking to your political views at the expense of being relegated?Or give up your (thought to be correct) political views in order to get promoted?Any high school student can honestly give you a glorious answer.But the reality is not that simple. The actual paradox of WR is: if you are relegated, you cannot promote your political views; if you give up your political views, what is the use of promotion? This paradox made WR distressed, even disheartened.Only then did he discover that power cannot be relied on for everything, and power must first be relied upon.Only then did he discover how big this city is, and the variety and richness of life in it. It seemed that he had just returned to the human world, and returned to the life of the world from the next door of the world.There was an inexplicable sense of sadness or absurdity in his heart.Only then did he see that on the edge of this noisy city, not far from his home, there was a quiet ancient garden. One evening, he walked out of the house with a heavy heart.When the setting sun was red and big, he casually walked into the garden, and immediately froze in a daze.No, he has seen much more woods, taller and bigger than this; he has also seen much more silence and desolation, deeper and wider than this.He looked at the altar, and he saw the O on the altar. O was walking up to the altar, walking slowly, her dress fluttering, and a long shadow fell on the stone steps of the altar. WR's heart trembled: Why did he meet her?I haven't seen you for several years, why is she here at this time?Is she here, or am I here?So WR understood that in these sad and desolate days, he has been missing something.Moreover, the sadness and absurdity are not necessarily all because of that paradox. Outside of that paradox, he also heard a voice asking him: Are you really back?Are you still next door to the world, or have you returned to the world? He walked to the altar, climbed the stairs, and stopped until he was in the shadow of O.At this moment, his heart sank: So it wasn't her, not O, it was a strange woman. This is N, WR thought it was O. N turned to him and stared at him for a moment. "Are you ... Comrade WR?" WR felt dizzy: how did she know me?Is it really O?Has she become so powerful? N introduced himself and said, "What a coincidence, I ran into you here. I went to see you. You are very busy, and your secretary received you." "Oh," WR remembered his identity now, "What do you want from me?" "Are you free now?" N asked, "If you have other business, can I make an appointment with you?" "Oh, it's okay, I'll just walk around." WR kept looking at N, and asked himself: Does O have an older sister, or a younger sister?Answering myself over and over again: No, no, O is an only child, no brothers or sisters.But WR Muyu really wanted to talk to this strange woman more, because... because after all, even her voice was so similar to O. "What's the matter, tell me." "It's about a script, um... a movie I want to make. I think the script is very good, but the director of the factory can't pass it. I want you to read it." "Why? Why can't it pass?" "Maybe, just because of the subject matter itself." "What subject matter? What are you writing about?" "Writing about a female educated youth, yes, the so-called 'Old Cha', she has returned to the city now, but she has a child staying in the place where she jumped in the queue." "why?" "It's an illegitimate child." "Oh, is it? Where is the father of the child?" "I don't know. It is said that he is also an old educated youth. But now even his mother doesn't know where this father is." "Then, who is this child following now?" "A local old man. The child was handed over to a local beekeeper after birth. Soon his biological parents left there." "And his mother, why didn't she bring him?" "She doesn't admit to having such a child." "Can anyone prove that the child is hers?" "The author of the script. She wrote it in the first person. She is also an old educated youth. She jumped in line with the child's mother and lived in the same room. The child's mother—let's call her A—leads the way up and down the mountain. Township, was advertised by the newspaper as a "model of educated youth", and in the countryside was a "model for re-education". He worked as a breeder, a women's captain, and a private primary school teacher. Learn from Mao to choose activists’. A’s family is probably not well-off financially, and she never sends money to her. Everything depends on herself. She is very frugal, and she saves money and sends it to her family. In the "Selected Lectures for Students from Mao", they were eloquent, especially scoffing at some educated youths' falling in love. You can imagine, of course, they would say that it was bourgeois or something. It was like that at that time, the word "love" It is almost equal to yellow. No one would have thought that A would have any romance. Not to mention heterosexual friends, A has almost no sexual friends, and the author of this script is the one who can barely be regarded as a friend. However, on a snowy night, the author of the script—— Let her be B——I haven’t seen A come back after sleeping for a long time, and I still don’t see A come back after waking up. B is worried, so she goes out to find A with a lantern. You can’t see your fingers, there are mountains and forests in the distance, and the desert is nearby. It was snowing heavily in the wilderness,... B found A next to a boulder. The stone was very tall, dark red, four or five stories high. On the leeward side, B first saw a bloodstain, and then saw A. , heard A moaning. B was terrified, thinking that A had been bitten by a wild animal, and raised the lamp to look closely, only to find that A was giving birth... Think about it, living in the same room, B actually doesn’t know I didn’t realize that A was already pregnant. Maybe it’s because it’s winter, people wear thick clothes, and the winter in that place is very long. B dragged A and the child back. A didn’t want to have the child, thinking that the snowstorm Ye Ye would take him away immediately, but the child survived. He didn’t cry or fuss, he just laughed and was loved... People’s vitality is often unexpected. B helped A to hide this matter from everyone, But who is the father of the child? A will not say. A few days later, in the middle of the night, a tall and tall male educated youth came to see the child. Obviously he is the father of the child; B does not know his name. After that A few days, it was still a snowy night, this male educated youth and A took the child away together, according to A, he handed it over to a kind person—a single old man who kept bees. Shortly after that, he started to recruit workers, and A responded I went far to the south and never came back. Some days later, I heard that the male educated youth also left, and I don’t know where he went. After they left, B saw a boy at the old beekeeper’s place. Later, B also left there. A few years later, B went back to visit the place where the line was cut, and saw the child again, who was already three or four years old, and lived with the old beekeeper in a small wooden house in the woods. B had One day I met A in the city, and it was several years later, both A and B returned to their hometown. B told A that she had seen the child, how tall the child had grown, and how handsome he was. How beautiful, how likable, but A did not say a word, from the beginning to the end a sentenceHe didn't say a word, as if he didn't hear at all.Of course, she must have heard it, and the fact that she didn't say a word just means that she heard it. " "I can go find this A, what's her name?" WR asked. "Looking for her?" "Yes, let her recognize the child!" WR said, "She should bring the child in, and I can help with the household registration." N looked at WR in surprise, and laughed out loud, "This is a movie, Comrade WR." N didn't expect that Comrade WR would be so naive, cute, and have such a soft heart like a woman. 216 This A walk into writing night reminds me of M, Z's half-sister. M has returned to this city, and has returned to heaven. Over the years, M has traveled to many places, lived in many places, and changed jobs many times. Finally, he returned to his hometown and was single when he came back.As sung in a popular song, "I used to be full of pride, but I came back with an empty suitcase". M came back, almost forty years old, and after a lot of hard work, he got a position in a small school, asked someone to give him gifts, and got a small bungalow of his own. It seemed that he could live and work in peace and contentment.However, the good times seem to have just arrived, and cancer followed closely.There are such miserable people in the world.Or, there are many such people in the world who walk into my writing nights in the image of M. Will M be the A?Maybe, maybe not.But in any case, the child born in the wasteland is associated with M in my impression.Whether it is true or not is not worth guessing, because on this writing night, M has the same history of jumping in the queue as A.I sometimes think that the reason why M does not recognize the child in the distance is because her cancer arrived early.The reason why she didn't say a word when she heard B talking about the child was because she knew that she would not live long, and it might not be a good thing for a child who grew up in the wasteland to come to this city——she might think so , and she believed that the old beekeeper was the kindest and most reliable person she had ever seen in her life. But N doesn't see it like I do. N believes that not all the good human nature is mentioned in that script.If her film ever gets off the ground, she says, you'll see far more complex issues than good and evil. What are the problems?have no idea.That movie never got off the ground. When M died, Z and Z's mother were by her side all the time.She said to Z with tears: "I knew you could accomplish great things." She smiled and said to Z's mother: "Mom, do you think I'm right?" Painter Z burst into tears.The female teacher O later said: If Z has ever truly loved someone, it will be M. O also said: Therefore, Z rarely talks about his sister. In this regard, the female director N said: "No, no, it's not that simple. It is possible that Z loves M, but he seldom talks about M. It is more likely that M cannot add luster to this pretentious painter. On the contrary, it will damage Z's image. It's ridiculous to think about it, men are so attached to their image, thinking that their career must be equipped with a hypocritical image." N is of course referring to WR again. 217 Whether WR is in love with N, WR has never made it clear, yes, he does not promise.But WR doesn't love his wife - the woman O met at WR's wedding. O's judgment at that moment was not wrong at all.Because, on a certain night of living together with N, WR said: It seems that he has only returned to the human world now, and he has only returned from the next door of the world, and he has a human life. It was in the Kuilin in the north. Without telling his wife, WR went to that small town in the north with N. It was the season when sunflowers were in full bloom, and the fragrance of sunflowers was blowing in the town day and night.They stayed in a small hotel and spent the night together.During the day, they walked out of the small town and walked into the depths of the sunflower forest, where they enjoyed a short period of joy and freedom.At that time N asked him: "But you, do you love her?" N refers to his wife. WR didn't answer. N also asked him: "Do you love me?" WR said: "I don't like such a promise." It was a hot and crazy season, with endless insects singing, sunflowers turning their flower discs to follow the sun, WR He forgot his identity or his mission for a moment. But when they returned to the city from Kuilin, the hot and crazy season came to an abrupt end.For many days, maybe more than two months, N has been unable to find WR.He's busy again, the situation has turned around, the paradox is not so imminent, it seems possible to give up WR at this point. When N finally saw WR again, although WR became calm, he still hoped that N would come to accompany him often, and occasionally bring his difficult days into ecstasy nights. WR said: "That's it, okay?" WR said: "We don't have to promise anything to each other, we don't have to think too far, maybe we will always be like this, and it will be good forever." That is to say, he can't be with The woman is divorced.Why not, he didn't say, he just said he couldn't give up his job.不能离婚和不能放弃他的工作，这之间有什么逻辑关系吗？ N却狂热地爱上了WR，给他打电话，写信，去他办公和开会的地方等他……蜚短流长，必定是这样，WR所在的机关里开始传说“WR同志迷上了一个漂亮的女导演”。WR开始躲着N。最终让N清醒了并且轻蔑了WR的，是WR的一个小小的计谋：'WR邀请N赴一个晚会，N去了，但WR是与他的妻子同去的，晚会上WR同志不断向别人介绍他的妻子，并且当着他的妻子向别人介绍N——“我的朋友，电影导演……”——神态坦然磊落，语气不亲不疏极具分寸。舞曲响起来的时候，他一次又一次地跟他的妻子跳舞，众目之下完全是一副相敬相爱的样子，没人怀疑这不是一对令人羡慕的夫妻。N明白，WR指望所有的流言蜚语就此失去证据。N 随便跟什么人跳了几下舞，就离开会场，不辞而别。第二天WR打来电话。 “N，我知道你会多么看不起我，我知道我的行为有多么丑陋，找不是要请你原谅，但是我想让你知道，我自己的一切几十年前就已经被诚实出卖了，我早就不属于找自己了……” “我猜，”N说，“你一定是要提醒我'注意影响'，还有，你是打的共用电话，对不对？” “毫无疑问，”WR在电话里苦笑了一下，“你当然是把我看透了。这很好，也算是我没有欺骗你……” “说得真妙，永远都是光明正大！” “可是我骗过的人还有一个，她……她很像你，你们连声音都很像……而且我没法告诉她那都是因为什么，她白等了我十几年……” “谁？她是谁？” “但是我可以告诉你，我唯一的希望就是，不要再有什么人像我一样，因为我他们不会再像我一样……” “你太伟大了！”N挂掉了电话。 N和WR的故事到此结束，或者是N对某一个男人的暂短而疯狂的恋情到此结束。猜想在这儿结束。这样的猜想，在写作之夜走向O和Z，在我的印象里走向Z的少为人知的某一个女人，以及Z婚后少为人知的外遇…… 218 N说：O错了，她大错了，她可以对一个男人失望，但不必对爱情失望。不管你对多少个男人失望了，你都没有理由对爱情失望。因为爱情本身就是希望，永远是生命的一种希望。爱情是你自己的品质，是你自己的心魂，是你自己的处境，与别人无关。爱情不是一个名词，而是动词，永远的动词，无穷动。 “你怀疑Z在婚后，仍然跟其他的什么人有性关系吗？” N说：“这我可不敢说。不过，那个死亡序幕真是令人费解。如果是个以牙还牙式的报复，那可真糟透了，我是说O。我总想不通，那个序幕，为什么发生在那么容易被Z发现的时间和地点？O应该知道，没有谁比她更应该知道，Z绝不是那种宽容的人呀。” 219 F说：“不不，也可能O和那个男人之间什么事都没有。所谓的越轨行为，那只是Z的猜疑，是他的愤怒所衍生出来的幻觉。” Who is that man? F说：有两种可能。一种可能是O以前的恋人，另一种可能，是O的前夫。无论是谁，O与他并不见得有什么越轨行为。那不过是一次礼节性的会面。只不过酒桌上的气氛过于客气，拘谨，言谈举止都精心把握着分寸，仿佛这聚会不是为了别的只是为了来确定一种距离，关系不宜太近也不好太远。远了吧，有失气度，显得卑琐、心胸狭窄、不近人情；近了呢，又像对别人（画家Z）不够尊重，没有规矩，或者居心叵测。所以这个人，他可能好几次想走却又没走，直到很晚。虽然是聚会，可在酒桌上他们就像是在市场上、大街上、陌生的人山人海中，彬彬有礼心存戒备……肯定，这让O与那个男人心里都很不是滋味，往日的一切好像都已无足轻重，形同儿戏，似乎早该忘记，心血枯焦也是枉然，心血枯焦也终会轻得随风飘逝。酒喝得很久而且毫无生气，时间太晚了，末班车过了，那个男人只好在那儿住下。但在夜里，往日会浮上心头，沉沉的往事会在夜深人静时统统跑出来，喧嚣不息也挥之不去。 O睡不着，那个男人也睡不着，他们都有些话想单独说说，酒桌上的气氛是不宜说那些话的，但是往事总应该有一个庄重的结尾，总该让痴痴旧情保留住一点儿重量。这可能也是那个男人几次想走而终于没走的一个重要原因。那个男人一会儿躺下，一会儿坐起来，一会儿走进厅廊、走上阳台，一会儿又回到屋里……O听见了，知道有些话是到了该说一说的时候了，就走去敲那男人的门。他们把门关上没有别的目的，仅仅是为了单独谈谈，不要打扰画家。但Z生了疑心。 Z醒了，见O不在身边，他出去看一看，听见O和那个男人在一起，门关着，说话的声音很小，这情景确实也太容易让人生疑了。What are they talking about?为什么声音这么低？说了多久了？为什么刚才不说，现在两个人把门关起来说？确实，这情景谁见了也可能要多想一点儿什么的。尤其是Z，深入他心底的戒备就是不能再蒙屈辱，不能再受侵犯，不能被人俯视，别忘了他是要让人仰望的呀。这情景他不堪忍受，让他的联想疯狂地膨胀。之后的事，所谓那个死亡序幕，所谓O与那个男人的越轨行为……其实都是Z的幻觉，戒备和忌恨所生的幻景…… 但O不愿解释，她厌恶解释，解释是肮脏的，辩白是不洁的，这样猜疑已经是不堪忍受的了还要再说什么吗？而且她知道无论是Z，还是那个男人——不管是她以前的恋人还是她的前夫，他们听不懂她。 O不解释，这在无论三个男人中的哪一个看来都等于默认。我想，如果是她的前恋人，她的前恋人一定会使劲解释，他为O的不解释而气愤，然后他一走了之。正像N所说的那样，他不能为这样的事影响了他的前程，他的形象已经受了损害，他知道碰上了两个不明事理的人了，再说什么也没用，不如一走了之。如果是她的前夫呢，她的前夫就可能是仓惶而逃，因为“跳进黄河也洗不清”，但也许，这正是他的报复吧，呵——但愿不是这样，但愿不要是这样吧。 What about Z?画家当然是气疯了，再难保持平素的高贵举止，这放在谁身上也是一样，更何况是他呢。 Z一定是感到受了绝大的侮辱，于是暴怒，疯狂，不能自制……就在这一刻O看见了死的契机，她发现她很久以来就是在等这一天，这样的时刻，她可以了无牵挂地去死了。 O不解释可能还有一个原因：使她的死与Z无干，使世人理所当然地认为是她有罪，是她的不贞，一切都是因为她，她死有余辜，那样很快Z就可以找到充足的理由摆脱开这件事了。她之所以等待一个有别人在场的时机才去享用那条鱼，也是为了不给Z带来麻烦。而在她，一切蜚短流长都无所谓了，她早就想死了。唯一让她担心的是Z，是Z能不能从中摆脱，这就是为什么她最后说“你不要，你千万不要……”。她希望Z不要怎样呢？Z，你不要因为这件事而毁掉，死是我自己的事与你无关，Z你要好好地活下去……O也许想把一切都说个清楚：赴死之心为什么由来已久。但是晚了，来不及了，她的心魂已经走进另一种存在，来不及说清了，何况那是需要整整一生也许才能说得清的呀…… 220 不过，T又说：“很可能O心里还是爱Z的。又爱他，又受不了他，O只是觉得自己没有力气了。” N也说：“是的，尤其是像O这样的女人，即便她会恨他，她也还是爱他。” T和N都提醒我们注意O给Z的那句遗言：在这世界上我只爱你，要是我有力量再爱一回，我还是要选择你。 T说：O在给她的信中曾经说过，“我常常问自己，Z爱我吗？他到底是不是真的爱我这个人？每一次我都得到同样的回答，每一次我都相信，他是爱我的，Z还是爱我的。” N说：这是女人们典型的自欺，其实O只是每一次都相信她还是爱Z罢了。至于Z是不是爱她，O要是不怀疑，又何必这样问自己呢？尤其她问的是“他到底爱不爱我这个人”，这里面有着明显的潜台词。其实在第十九章里O已经感觉到了，Z爱的是那座美丽房子里的女孩儿，甚至不是那女孩儿本人，而是由那女孩儿所能联想的一切，正像他说的，是崇拜和征服。Z希望那座美丽房子里的人承认：是那个女孩儿爱上了他，是他们的女儿追求了他们所看不起的那个“野孩子”。O呢，有时甚至觉得自己真的就是那个女孩儿。 N说得不错，在我的印象里O好像一直对Z有着负罪感，好像Z不幸的童年都是因为O优越的童年造成的，Z的寒冷的那个冬夜，正是由于与此同时O的那个温暖的周末所致。O觉得那颗被冻僵的心就是由于她，由于那座美丽的房子（仿佛O真的就是那个女孩儿），是那个女孩儿的家人，是包括她在内的人们把一颗清洁的孩子的心弄伤的……是的，在赤裸的夜晚，最难设防的时刻，Z不是终于问过O了吗：“你曾经住在哪儿？”在他要她的时候，昏眩的幻觉中，他的欲望也是在进入那座美丽的房子而不仅仅是在进入O。有一次O似醒似梦地回答他：“是的是的，我就是住在那儿，就住在那座美丽的房子里，住在那个冬天的夜晚。”Z泪流满面，唯一一次忘记了他的尊严和征服，抽咽着说：“你们不要再把他轰走，别再让他一个人走进那个又黑又冷的夜里去好吗？那天你们把他轰走了你们说他是野孩子，现在你去告诉他们我是什么人，去呀去呀去告诉他们你爱我！”那一次O真是多么爱他呀，觉得Z那颗心很久很久以前就是被她所伤，现在她要抚平那心上的伤疤，补偿他，加倍地偿还他，O甚至有了受虐的快感……但是这样的坦诚只此一次，Z不习惯这样，太多的信任让他发慌，害怕有谁会把他的秘密贴到墙上去，他要把屈辱和雪耻都重新埋藏起来，埋得深深的，让那些屈辱在黑暗的地方发酵，酿制他所需要的雪耻的力量。 221 HJ说：“不不，我要为我哥说句公道话，他并不是像别人想象的那样，只爱他自己。” HJ说：他很小的时候，Z就给他听Z的父亲留下的那些唱片，听那个伊格尔王远征的故事。Z说：“你听，这就是我父亲的声音，是他走在无人之地时的脚步声。”HJ问：“那是哪儿？”Z说：“北方的流放地。”HJ永远记得Z那时的目光，望着窗外纷纷扬扬的大雪，眼睛里的颜色和那落雪的天空是一样的。Z说：“他肯定要回来的，因为这儿有咱妈。我要是他，我死也要回来的。” HJ说：“他恨我爸，不光是因为我爸是他的继父，而是因为我爸对我妈和我姐都太坏了。他恨我爸恨得毫无余地，本来他是最想出国的，但是他不去，因为那是我爸的关系，凡我爸爸的东西他碰也不碰。” HJ说：Z有一次对他说：“我再长大一点儿，我就要把你爸赶出去！”HJ问：“为什么？”z拍拍他的肩膀说：“等你再长大一点儿你就会明白。” HJ说：“他爱我妈。但是他讨厌那些张张扬扬地赞美着'贫贱者'的画家。他说：'他们真的是在赞美贫贱者吗？他们是借贫贱者来赞美他们自己！他们把贫贱者画得那么饱经磨难又贫贱不屈，好像贫贱者只是比别人多了一点儿皱纹和皮肉上的伤痕，他们倒是自己去做做那样的人看看是怎么一回事呀，不，他们不会去做的！他们不去做可他们又要摆出一副神圣的样子来歌颂贫贱者。'他说：'这个世界上只有梵高和罗丹有资格去描画贫贱者。梵高本人就是被侮辱被损害的，罗丹他真正理解了贫贱者，你看他的《老娼妇》，那是歌颂吗？不，那才是爱呀！'” HJ说：Z也是爱M的，不是姐弟之爱，其实Z是可以娶M的，他们没有血缘关系，青梅竹马，一直非常要好……是呀，屈辱和雪耻，是雪耻这两个字把Z的心咬伤了，就像Z总在画的那根羽毛一样。HJ说：那是一只被猎人打伤的大鸟掉落的羽毛，那自由的鸟曾经纯洁地飞着，想要飞向南方，飞向温暖，但是随着一声枪响那洁白的羽毛便失去了温度，飘落进阴晦和寒冷，但是它不能屈服，丝丝缕缕都在奋力挣扎…… N说：肯定，O非常希望Z能像那唯一的一次那样，把那个冬天的晚上向她诉说，把他受伤的心向她敞开，那样的话O相信——女人总是这样天真——她就能医治好他的创伤，使那雪耻的欲望慢慢消散，Z的火焰就会热起来，冰凌就会在他心里融化。'N和T都说：所以，O说她仍然爱Z，那是真的。但是她觉得她已经没有这个力量了，如果她有，她还会爱他，把他温暖过来。 至于死之序幕，N和T同意这样的猜想：O赴死之心久已有之，但那件事是偶然的，无论发生了什么没有，死机不期而至。 222 WR说：“不不不，如果她仍然爱着，她是不会去死的。毫无疑问O已经不爱那个画家了，但她是不敢承认。因为她全部的生活内容差不多就是爱情，这爱情几乎成了她的一切，否定这爱情就等于否定了她自己的生命和历史，否定这爱情她就再也找不到精神依赖了。这种失落，或者绝望，是人最难以承受的……” WR说：很少有人能具备这样的勇气：不仅敢于追求，而且敢于放弃，敢于否定以往的迷途，即便那是你曾经全身心投入的——无论是爱情，还是事业，还是理想或者主义——如果你发现它错了，你也敢于背叛它。这其实并不容易，并不像看起来那么容易。敢于杀死自己肉体的人并不少，但是很少有人能够杀死自己的心魂迷途，关键是杀死了旧的又没有新的，那时他（她）们就要欺骗自己了，就要像抓住救命草一样抓住原有的东西，自欺欺人地说仍然爱那东西，仍然坚信那东西。WR说：这是最可怕的怯懦，是生命力的萎缩，是自新能力的丧失。O就是这样，她也许看不见，但更可能是不愿意看见——她实际已经不爱那个画家了。虽然她说她仍然爱他，但那是不可信的。她并不是有意欺骗谁，而是她自己也受着自己的欺骗，她不明白自己的真象。 WR说：“O，她不敢承认旧的已经消逝，正如她不敢承认新的正已经到来。那序幕，无论发生了没有，无论发生了什么和到了什么程度，她的死都说明她不能摆脱旧的束缚，和无力迎接新的生活。” WR说：“我相信那个序幕是真的，并非偶然，那是人需要爱情和希望未来的本性注定的。不管在那个序幕里发生了什么，其实都是一样，都是证明旧的已经完结，新的正在召唤。O是处在这种'忠于'和'开创'之间，这是最艰难最痛苦的境地，她找不到出路于是心被撕成两半，她不敢面对必须的选择。无力选择爱的人必定选择死。这才是她赴死之心真正的由来。” WR说：“最可耻、可恨、可卑的是那个第三者。他如果不知道自己要干什么他就是个十足的傻瓜，他要是知道自己想干什么他就应该大胆地干，别怕被世人唾骂，否则他就十足是个坏蛋。是他的逃跑，最终把O送上了死路。与他相比，至少在这一点上，那个画家当初做的要漂亮得多，这正是O爱Z的原因之一，或许也是O'仍然爱Z'的原因之一，也正是O轻蔑那个逃跑的家伙的原因。” 对WR的话，女导演N只是从鼻子里轻轻“哼”了一声，不说什么。 223 残疾人C倒是同意WR的某些看法，他说：“是的，爱着的人是不会自杀的，包括只爱自己的人。” 残疾人C又说：“F医生在古园里的那些想法不容忽视，真的，我想F医生说对了，对爱和对生命意义的彻底绝望，那才是O根本的死因。” C说：那样的绝望，绝不会是因为一次具体的失恋。有些人，会因为一次具体的失恋去死，但O不会，她以往的经历可以证明她不会那样。能让O去死的，一定是对爱的形而上的绝望。如果爱的逻辑也不能战胜Z的理论，如果爱仍然是功利性的取舍，仍然是择优而取，仍然意味着某些心魂的被蔑视、被歧视、被抛弃，爱就在根本上陷入了绝望。 C说：不管O愿不愿意承认，她分明是看见了这种根本的绝望。因为，不愿意承认的东西往往是确凿存在的，理智不愿意看见的东西，本性早已清晰地看见了，意识受着欺骗，但潜意识不受束缚。实际上，O，她的潜意识一直在寻找着死的契机，或者是在等待赴死的勇气。理智不断告诉她“应该怎样和不应该怎样”，这让她犹豫不绝；但本性却一直在对她说“真实是什么”，因而本性执著地要宣布这真实：她已经不爱Z了，或者，爱也是枉然，爱本身也是毫无意义。这样的宣布不管是对她自己还是对别人，都需要一种语言或仪式。这语言和仪式能是什么呢？sex!爱的告白要靠它，不爱的告白还是要靠它。 C认为：性，可以是爱的仪式，也可以是不爱的仪式，也可以是蔑视爱的仪式，也可以是毁掉貌似神圣实则虚伪之爱情的仪式，也可以是迷途中对爱的绝望之仪式。 那个死亡序幕，是哪一种呢？ C说：“我想，那个序幕一定来得非常突然。但是它一出现，O就感到了，她宣布那种真实的机会来了。她曾胆怯地设想过这样的机会，现在它不期而至，它激起了O嘲笑爱情的欲望。我猜O绝不会爱序幕中的那个男人，O在那整个序幕中并不动情，而是怀着一种轻蔑的心理，要毁掉这一向被奉为神圣的仪式。这心理是：爱情原来也并不是什么圣洁的东西——不管是因为画家的少为人知的性乱，还是因为女教师对爱情的绝望，O都可能这样想。什么爱情，与这肮脏的占有是一样的！为什么要给它一个圣洁的仪式呢？不，应该还给它一种肮脏的语言。” C说：O在走向那个男人的时候，借着酒意，潜意识指引她去毁掉一个神圣的仪式，O的心里有一种毁掉那仪式的冲动，毁掉那虚假的宣告，毁掉那并不为Z所看重的爱，毁掉那依然是“优胜劣汰”的虚假的“圣洁”，毁掉那依然是有些心魂被供奉有些心魂被抛弃的爱情，毁掉一切，因为存在注定是荒唐的心灵战争，光荣在欺骗，光荣在卑贱搭筑起的圣台上唱着圣歌，毁掉这谎言是何等快慰！ C说：那便是死期的到来。当Z还没有发狂地举起拳头时，O已看见了死期的到来。在O的眼睛里，那也许是假期的到来，是平等的到来，是自由的到来。在那个世界里，不再有功利的纷争，不再有光荣和屈辱，不再有被轻视和被抛弃的心，不再有差别，那儿如果有爱，必是均匀地漫展，不要酬报，不要诉说，不要呐喊，不要崇拜也不要征服，她默默地存在着，真切而坦然，无处不在……那才是爱情，才称得上是爱情，才配有一种神圣的仪式。 C说：“当然，也可能是F医生说的对，那序幕中什么越轨的事情也没有。但是不管有没有，只要Z认为有那就等于有，只要种种迹象使Z相信有，那就是有。Z质问O的时候O并不解释，O的不解释在Z看来就是有，这样，O就仍然是做到了她所要做的告白。有和没有都并不重要，重要的是O希望Z认为有，那样，O就终于等来了赴死的时机。” C说：但是当O看到Z那双迷茫的眼睛时，她又想到Z将会怎样？想到一个心灵伤残的人，难道不是一个更需要爱的人吗？难道我应该就这样抛弃他吗？而且这时o才发现，她是恨着Z的。那个序幕之所以发生在那样的时间和地点，正是o下意识的报复，她下意识想让Z的高傲遭受打击，让他的理论遭到他的理论的打击。所以她说：“你不要，你千万不要……”她不要他怎样呢？她希望他不要再次受到伤害，像他童年的那个冬夜一样。o躺在那里，灵魂正在走去另一个世界，她已经无力多说，但是她在想：我为什么恨他？我曾经那样爱他，现在为什么已经不爱了呢？因为他不好。可是，这还不是择优而取吗？优取劣弃，那么又与z的理论有什么不同？不不，爱，不能是对美好的人或物的占有欲，而应该是对丑恶的拯救！但是，爱，难道不包含对丑恶的拒斥么？可这拒斥，这样的取与舍，不又意味了高低之分和心灵战争的酿成么？那么爱，到底是什么？她能够像死亡一样平等、自由、均匀地漫展、无处不在么？——这便是O至死的爱的疑问。 所以C猜想：“可惜O已经死了，她那么急着就去死了。要是她没死，如果她被救活过来，也许她终于能看见，那永恒的爱的疑问即是爱的答案，那永恒的爱的追寻即是爱的归宿，那永恒的爱的欲望正是均匀地在这宇宙中漫展，漫展，无处不在……” 224 F也请我们注意O的那句遗言：在这个世界上我只爱你，要是我有力量再爱一回，我还是选择你。 F强调的是“在这个世界上”，强调的是“这个世界”，强调的是“这个”。 所以F说：“O是说，在这个世界上她没有力量爱了，但在另外的存在中她仍然在爱，仍然要爱。” C感动地看看F：“谢谢你，谢谢你F医生，谢谢你的这个解释。” F医生沉思良久，说：“可是，也许，并没有两个截然分离的世界。O，她就在我们周围，在我们不能发现的地方，司空见惯的地方……” C说：“爱，也是在这样的地方。”